This Week in Despair with Peter-john Byrnes

Frequent guests and good-but-not-great friends Andy Fleming and Stephanie Hasz have never appeared together on the show, and their pairing results in utter insanity. The sexiness of Elizabeth Warren is discussed. Bob Woodward is explained and defamed again. Sex is Zimbabwe is revealed to be dangerous. Stephanie shares her top sexual fantasy over a multi-year period. Andy reveals a shameful Star Wars secret in his past. My guests share their encyclopedic knowledge of statutory rape laws in multiple states. I hide under the desk for much of this episode.

Our first-ever star-spangled all-Texas panel of Chad Briggs and Cody Melcher demonstrate just what a wide demographic diversity that state really has. It's a week where horsemeat and beauty-pageant show ponies were in the news, as well as the animals behind Girls Gone Wild. Chad and I try once more to discuss our sexual obsession with Debra Winger and Urban Cowboy, but are once again stymied as the conversation turns to Paul Lynde. The sequester and Bradley Manning somehow get worked in there as well. The show also takes a remarkably dark turn regarding new information about German concentration camps. Just another light-hearted day at the office.

The very entertaining and thoughtful pair of Bill Cruz and Sean White join me to discuss papal conspiracy theories, historically-significant pornography collections of the non-Vatican variety, and sacred jelly. Sean and Bill educate me on TSA security holes. Racist math problems are examined. Bill is a rule-stickler where popes are concerned. Our game of Moral Dilemmas gets very heated over the ethical lessons of Star Trek. We learn yet another reason why one should never live in Las Vegas. It's all very educational.

On a week where the United States government announced it had the right to kill its citizens without trial if they are considered an imminent threat, returning guests Maggie Ednie and Mike Ortiz are very patient with me as I rail about government overreach and sing the praises of the US Postal System. Mike outlines his design for a whale factory farm. Maggie manages to insult all of Asia. I tell stories about stripper tricks that I've never seen, plus we have our usual wrap-up of pornography and bestiality stories. It's a show likely to cause an international incident.

On a week where North Korea dominated the news, Alexandra Tsarpalas and Mike Wiley come to discuss Pacific Rim geopolitics and the Benghazi hearings, but stay for the more serious matters of unauthorized silicone butt injections in Miami, and "Flamy," the ill-conceived Brazilian hospital mascot for child burn victims. I explain the plot of the 80s classic Red Dawn to my guests. Alexandra is fascinated with Faces of Meth. Amy Poehler's teeth are judged.

Joe McAdam joins me for a particularly free-wheeling episode, where everything from Iranian Space Monkeys to Bedbugs to Hitler's fabled Lost Toilet were in the news. The NRA compiles a ilst of enemies that sounds like a sad Hollywood Squares cast list. A discussion of poisonous vaginas lead to a bad Peter Falk impression. Tony Danza is disparaged. Pam Dawber is explained. You'll never watch Sesame Street the same way again.

Regular guest Adam Burke returns, this time accompanied by his brother Jim, for an off-beat episode with an international flair, wherein we sit around and tell stories of travel and journeys. Adam and Jim talk about their early years in Australia, and summer holidays in Spain. Jim has a tale of getting in touch with his inner colonialist in Morocco. Adam explains how he came to live in Dallas. I tell a story about helping to build an online casino in Costa Rica. We all have a grim ferry tale to share.

It's a week when Notre Dame football is in the news, so who better to bring on the show than Naked Sports Live Host Megan Gailey, and Notre Dame alum Bill Bullock? This marks the first time on the show that I know the least about the subject at hand. We all share on this episode. Bill tells us what it's like to be an African-American student at Notre Dame. Megan tells us about waxing trends among the 20-something generation. I explain to my guests about John Hinckley and Jodie Foster. We all come together to be mean to Lance Armstrong.

My sisters, Jessica and Suzanne, are my guests this episode with the intention of sharing Christmas memories from our childhood and adulthood, but instead reveal themselves to be horrible, horrible people. Grandmothers are mocked. Nutloaf is discussed. A story is told of enemas purchased in advance of a funeral. All manner of bodily excretions are brought to light. Jane Goodall is disparaged. Mother Teresa is slandered. This is officially the Worst Christmas Episode Ever. It might ruin all future Christmases. Consider this before listening.

One of our favorite regular guests, Adam Burke, is joined by newcomer Kenny DeForest to help with a recap of 2012. Adam and Kenny share their love of Gangham Style. Fan-favorite subjects Bigfoot and The Girl with the Anal Tattoo make return appearances. Kenny gives his plans for introducing world harmony. Adam unveils his new character, Racist Helen Keller. It's all very tasteful and elegant.