When my sister and I were were uh 5 and 8 years old we watched a show called Life's Animal Miracles. It was just actually called Animal Miracles, but it was on the Life Network, and uh it had aired for three years and hosted by Alan Thicke, and it showed stories of animals being miraculous, saving lives, helping people get through tough times situations. But it's pretty intense for an eight-year-old to watch. Dog dies. First episode. Just a heads up.

Some people like to call attention to the fact that I am a Toronto Raptor's fan even more so than I do. I think part of that is because it's somehow looked upon as a strange thing that as a theater creator that I enjoy sports. I’ve been playing sports all my life and that because of that I am a passionate sports fan. And I think that there are things to be learned from the way that sports bring people together in the way that theatre does as well. And the game I was at tonight was celebrating what would have been the hundredth birthday of Nelson Mandela and seeing everybody celebrate that together was beautiful.

Today I made a comment about a high ceiling, I said “You could fly a helicopter in here”, and then someone challenged whether or not the propellers would actually fit. It’s nice to have people call into question your hyperboles when it’s just a little too plausible. Also, today I learned that it’s easy to stop overextending yourself when there is nothing left to extend. Uhh not on the same topic- the anti-Doras happen on June 16th in Toronto. Save the date. I was told by a peer that my last thought was rambley – and I don’t think that’s a word.

So the Raps lost by three points to the Denver Nuggets this evening. I was happily in a theatre at the time, but when I came out of the theatre I learned that they uhh they missed 9 free throws, and lost by three. So, you know, you don’t have to know basketball you just need to know math to figure that one out. Umm I learned some new things about Pokémon Go tonight. There is an app that you can use to properly appraise your Pokémon. But instead of doing that I should probably prepare for a poetry feature I have Saturday night.

Just when you thought nothing else could happen your creative team and you decide to radically alter the production and your cat keeps you up til 5am with sudden health failure. I started this month thinking about risk, and I return to it now. My creative team and I, less than a week before opening, are shifting to a new gesture. Radically strange, totally unknown. All I know is it feels imperative. The production is asserting itself to us. We listen or we don’t. We are choosing to listen. We are going on the ride. We are going into the dark. My cat is at home and hanging on. I might not sleep again til January, my body feels numb, my heart feels open and I am shockingly alive. The key is risk.

This week feels like the calm before the storm. Quiet but intense. I’m having a hard time getting things done. I’m pacing, disorganized, unable to focus, feel on high alert, bitten all my nails. It took me about 3 hours to get dressed today. I have the strong desire to flee. Brendan Healy recently talked to me about a Vincent Miller book, “A Crisis of Presence” I haven’t read it yet, the title is enough for me right now. Fight of flight. I do both. When it feels really hard to be present, when my fear is very very very high, I know the fight is with myself - to stay. Stay in this moment, don’t disassociate, don’t flee, don’t look away. We open next week.

Unpopular tension. I will fight for labour reform in the arts making sector. It’s an important fight that will benefit a lot of people. But I’m not sure it will change the culture of labour we live in. And I’m pretty sure it won’t change me. I started out with certain privileges, and then continued to make some pretty hard life choices and large sacrifices-- that support my ability to funnel additional time, energy, and probably a lot of my sanity, into my work practice. Given the culture we live in, and the sheer nature of time on deck, I receive more benefits and opportunities because of this. So, labour reform will benefit many, but I’m not sure it will level the playing field. Is that what people think it will do?

Content Warning: Pessimism. Whereas yesterday I was trying to task myself with the meditation “What if where I am is what I need?” today I feel like if one more person brings up the idea of structuring a work/life balance I’m gonna punch them in the face because ultimately our arts sector, and the whole--really all the sectors--exist within neo-liberalism which has already completely destroyed and eroded the idea that the human being could be for anything other than just the extraction of pure labour.

Challenging myself to remember Deborah Hay, I challenge everyone to remember Deborah Hay, this morning, and always, with the question (ask yourself, as she would ask you - perhaps) “What if where I am, is what I need?” What if where I am, is what I need? What if where I am, is what I need.

I’m currently pan frying eggs because to be an independent artist means multi-tasking every minute of the day, or at least it does for me, and I’m thinking of the old proverb ...when the student is ready the teacher arrives. When I think about the massive, total upheaval just about every aspect of my life is going through right now: personal risk, artistic risk, family upheaval, sense of self, emotional stability - all that pretty up in the air I think about how right now my two greatest teachers are fear and faith.