TonioTimeDaily

We all know it’s not okay to tell secrets. But even if someone hasn’t prefaced a statement by whispering “I have a secret,” they still may not want you to repeat it.

Even if someone has nothing to be ashamed of, they may want to keep information about themselves from others for a number of reasons, such as fear that they won’t react kindly. For example, it’s never okay to reveal someone’s sexual orientation if they aren’t out or to reveal that someone has been sexually assaulted without their permission.

It’s also not okay to tell other people about problems someone else is having.

This can be difficult when these problems involve you and you want someone to confide in. It’s fine and often necessary to talk about conflicts you’re having with others, but try to find someone who doesn’t know the other party.

I once made the mistake of venting about an argument with a significant other to a mutual friend. I thought he’d have a greater understanding of the situation than anyone else because he knew both of us.

That may have been true, but it wasn’t worth it. After I revealed that I had confided in his friend, my partner felt we’d both violated his trust. I didn’t have his consent to reveal details of our relationship to someone he knew. I should have vented to a friend who wasn’t close with him.

It’s also important to recognize that someone’s decision to reveal information about themselves in one context doesn’t mean they want it aired in another.

Discussing something with one group of friends doesn’t mean you want all your friends to know it. And revealing someone about yourself once doesn’t mean you’re willing to talk about it at any given moment.

Artists, writers, and other professionals who tackle personal subject matter deal with this misunderstanding frequently.

As a writer, people often assume that if I’ve written about something, it’s fair game to discuss with anyone. However, due to the personal topics I’ve written about and the harassment I’ve faced for writing about them, I’m hesitant to discuss them in spaces that don’t feel safe to me.

A friend once introduced me to a male friend of hers by saying, “Suzannah’s a great writer. Tell him about that viral article about not shaving your legs.”

I wasn’t comfortable reiterating my reasons for not shaving my legs to a stranger, especially a man (the demographic that harassed me the most after that article was published). I had no idea what his views were on the topic and didn’t want to get into an argument.

Social media adds another layer to this issue.

When posting on someone’s Facebook wall or tagging them in a post, keep in mind that many people are Facebook friends with their families and others they may want to keep certain information from – even if they’ve shared this information with you.

Obviously, it’s impractical to go through life without ever talking about anyone you know. But before you share something about someone in person or online, consider whether they would want everyone you’re addressing to know it."

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.

Philippians 2:3 tells us, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

Narcissists are by definition self-absorbed, but they know that it’s not Christ like nor socially acceptable to be selfish, so many will mimic fake humility, perhaps even going so far as to put themselves down.

But watch out, this seemingly humble person will not put you first, especially if no one else is watching.

Who doesn’t like a nice and agreeable person?

Narcissists have learned this one (especially the covert ones). But be careful, they will smile to your face but throw you under the bus if it suits their need.

With their laid back attitude and seemingly sincere smile, these covert narcissists talk with a really sweet voice and pretend to be interested in you but truth be told, they are only looking for you to return the niceness and feed their fragile ego.

If you disagree or offer constructive criticism, you’ll see an entirely different side to this seemingly ’nice’ person.

Have you ever had someone agree to your face and disregard you behind your back? It can be frustrating. Narcissists, especially the covert ones, will not have the courage to disagree with you or be truthful. Instead, they will tell you what you want to hear and do what they want anyway.

Matthew 5:37 is clear in this command: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.”

Don’t stay stuck trying to hold them accountable for their lies disguised as oversights; they have no intention on being real with you.

Make no mistake, narcissist are not generous people. They have the attitude of, what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine . They will, however, give for two reasons: one, if they want something in return, or two, to make themselves look good.

Matthew 23:5a describes them best when it says: “They do all their deeds to be seen by others.

Christian narcissists are typically in the Christian circles long enough to learn the “faith” terminology.

They know what to say to make themselves sound like faith champions.

But watch what happens when a crisis hits. Their self centered, fragile ego doesn’t rely on God. They turn to people and EXPECT help and if they don’t get it, they play the victim.

Remember faith without works, is dead (James 2:17).

Narcissists aren’t apologetic.

To do so, would shatter their fragile image. However they do understand that repentance is part of the Christian process, so they fool many people with their half hearted, often side handed apologies, that typically put the blame right back on you.

Be careful of apologies that  shallow and have no personal responsibility."

"We are in the Christian season of Lent, a good time to talk about Jesus. My sermon title, “How Buddhism Saves Jesus,” is meant to be both serious and somewhat provocative.

I know some people who would immediately react, “Jesus doesn’t need saving; Jesus is the one who saves us all.” Many Christians believe that Jesus, by dying on the cross, saves those who believe, so we might go to heaven and avoid hell. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I don’t believe we need to be saved from a God who will punish us for billions upon billions of years, in fact for all of eternity. What kind of God would punish us forever for things we may have done in a mere ninety years here on earth? That would not be justice.

In our UU tradition, the Universalists were historically the “no hell” church. They said that a loving and just God would not create a torture chamber called hell, and then create people so flawed that we needed to be sent there. The Universalists said that sin is like an illness; it should be healed, not punished. That makes more sense to me than a God who would set up a system in which many people, created in God’s image, have to be punished for eternity.

So I’m not talking about that kind of salvation. Yet I do believe that we need a kind of saving, here on earth, in this lifetime. To me, “salvation” – which is related to the word “salve,” a balm for healing – salvation means healing ourselves and the world, which we do by living a life that is not self- centered or self-absorbed, but is a life of loving-kindness and compassion. And that, in fact, is very close to the Buddhist idea of enlightenment."

"We know that the Bible is mostly fiction, but did you ever wonder how some of the incredible stories got into the book? As a child, the story of Noah made no sense to me. Why would a supposedly loving God commit a genocidal holocaust by killing all humans on Earth except for one man and his family (a wife, three sons, and their wives)? The answer was that this perfect, all-knowing God somehow regretted that he made human beings and he grieved in his heart (Genesis 6:6) because, much to God’s surprise, there was violence on Earth. Only 600-year-old Noah found favor in God’s eyes. So God told Noah to build an ark and save only his family and pairs of animals from a life-destroying flood. Noah didn’t question God’s plan or show any compassion for his neighbors. Obedient Noah just followed orders. (By the way, how do Christian fundamentalists justify an abortion-loving god who killed all those innocent fetuses?)

When the family finally left the ark for dry land, a grateful Noah burned some of the animals that were on the ark and offered them on an altar to God. When God smelled the burning flesh, he was pleased and promised never again to destroy all life by a flood.

What did Noah then do? He made wine and became the first drunk in the Bible. He drank so much that he passed out while naked. One of Noah’s sons, Ham, saw his father naked. When Noah awakened, he got furious with Ham for seeing him naked and for some strange reason cursed Ham’s innocent son, Canaan, and said an appropriate punishment for Canaan and his descendants would be perpetual slavery. (The authors of the Bible probably focused on Canaan because in the Book of Joshua the Israelites slaughtered all inhabitants of Canaan on the way to their “promised” land.)

Though not biblical, some now claim that Ham’s descendants populated Egypt and the rest of Africa. Noah’s curse was later used by preachers and politicians in the American South to justify race-based slavery.

The Bible’s writers were not original in their flood story. They seem to have plagiarized from an older Mesopotamian tale known as the Epic of Gilgamesh, written around 1800 BCE, long before the Hebrew Bible was written. In it, the Mesopotamian gods decide to punish humanity with a catastrophic flood. One man was chosen to survive using a specially constructed boat filled with animals. After the flood, birds were released to find dry land. On dry land, animals were sacrificed to repair the relationship between humanity and the divine.

The authors of Genesis were aware of the deluge depicted in the Epic of Gilgamesh. Archaeologists have found bits of the Epic of Gilgamesh all over ancient Israel. It appears that the Epic of Gilgamesh was in broad circulation at the time Genesis was written."

"Bad tribalism”

We are built to be tribal. But sometimes that tribalism goes too far. The worst type of tribalism is groups aligned to destroy other groups, such as through ethnic cleansing and genocide. We have heard the word tribalism used a lot today in reference to our politics. Today in our political world, we have “bad tribalism.” Bad tribalism is a group identity that fosters the bullying and scapegoating of others not like you. Bad tribalism joins people out of anger, jealousy, and spite, not for collective well-being. The unfortunate irony is that bad tribalism is easy to provoke, but not healthy to maintain. Staying angry is stressful, and large doses of stress are bad for our health. At the same time, good tribalism is difficult to build, but healthy to maintain. When we connect with others to ensure safety and good health, we lower our own stress.

Changing bad tribalism into good tribalism

How can we invoke healthy forms of tribalism and lessen bad tribalism? First, recognize that groups built on the foundation of hate, disdain, and anger build those traits in ourselves. With the constant urging of bad tribalism, we stay angry, and that can affect our personal well-being. Second, we can step outside ourselves through empathy and see the world from the view of others. When we use empathy to understand others, we see how we are similar, how we are all human beings. Empathy can broaden our sense of connections to others, and that diminishes bad tribalism.

Ultimately our goal should be to build the tribe we all belong to: that of humanity. When we can see each other as human beings, we change bad tribalism into good tribalism. We are part of the work to ensure the survival of our shared tribe of humanity."

The idea that women attain control by eliciting men’s desires plays into the age-old notion that women’s worth lies in their ability to produce erections.

“One of the greatest powers a woman has is the power of her sex,” author and speaker Rick Johnson writes in Patheos.

By making looks paramount to women’s empowerment, this attitude reduces them to objects. And by telling women to gain power through their sexuality, rather than their personalities or talents, it teaches them to focus on their looks.

Equating all situations where women are the objects of desire with empowerment has the effect of justifying objectification. “A young woman’s sexual power is effective with both sexes… Advertisers know that and use partially clad images of young women to sell products to both men and women,” Johnson writes.

This statement ignores all the ways women are disempowered by advertisements that use their bodies to sell products, depicting them in passive poses and even presenting them as inanimate objects. There is nothing empowering about dehumanization.

Furthermore, telling women their value lies in their ability to be desirable devalues women who are not widely considered sexually desirable. “Women tend to lose their sexual power as they age,” Johnson admits.

If women’s ability to get what they want is rooted in their demand among men, what about women who aren’t in high demand?

It’s true that people often favor women based on their adherence to ageist, racist, sizeist, and ableist ideals. But that should be challenged, not celebrated.

Placing value on women based on men’s attraction makes those who don’t possess the traits society considers attractive feel worthless, and it makes women of all appearances feel like objects.

We should be prizing inner qualities more important than the ability to provide or withhold sexual pleasure, like strength and wisdom.

And people should honor women’s wants and needs regardless of what they look like or whether sex will ever be offered in exchange."

"Will the real Paul stand up?

Ehrman reserves most of his scrutiny for the writings of Paul, which make up the bulk of the New Testament. He says that only about half of the New Testament letters attributed to Paul - 7 of 13 - were actually written by him.

Paul's remaining books are forgeries, Ehrman says. His proof: inconsistencies in the language, choice of words and blatant contradiction in doctrine.

For example, Ehrman says the book of Ephesians doesn’t conform to Paul’s distinctive Greek writing style. He says Paul wrote in short, pointed sentences while Ephesians is full of long Greek sentences (the opening sentence of thanksgiving in Ephesians unfurls a sentence that winds through 12 verses, he says).

“There’s nothing wrong with extremely long sentences in Greek; it just isn’t the way Paul wrote. It’s like Mark Twain and William Faulkner; they both wrote correctly, but you would never mistake the one for the other,” Ehrman writes.

The scholar also points to a famous passage in 1 Corinthians in which Paul is recorded as saying that women should be “silent” in churches and that “if they wish to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home.”

Only three chapters earlier, in the same book, Paul is urging women who pray and prophesy in church to cover their heads with veils, Ehrman says: “If they were allowed to speak in chapter 11, how could they be told not to speak in chapter 14?”

A frail man sits in chains inside a dank, cold prison cell. He has escaped death before but now realizes that his execution is drawing near.

“I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come,” the man –the Apostle Paul - says in the Bible's 2 Timothy. “I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.”

The passage is one of the most dramatic scenes in the New Testament. Paul, the most prolific New Testament author, is saying goodbye from a Roman prison cell before being beheaded. His goodbye veers from loneliness to defiance and, finally, to joy.

There’s one just one problem - Paul didn’t write those words. In fact, virtually half the New Testament was written by impostors taking on the names of apostles like Paul. At least according to Bart D. Ehrman, a renowned biblical scholar, who makes the charges in his new book “Forged.”

“There were a lot of people in the ancient world who thought that lying could serve a greater good,” says Ehrman, an expert on ancient biblical manuscripts.In “Forged,” Ehrman claims that:

* At least 11 of the 27 New Testament books are forgeries.

* The New Testament books attributed to Jesus’ disciples could not have been written by them because they were illiterate.

* Many of the New Testament’s forgeries were manufactured by early Christian leaders trying to settle theological feuds."

"1. Don’t Only Make Sex About Reproduction

Most of the ways in which we talk about sex with children is in reproductive terms. From answering the “Where do babies come from?” question to having a conversation about puberty, the link between sexuality and procreation is a constant one.

But for almost all children, and for most teens, this is not the most salient aspect of sex.

Yet separating sex from reproduction can be hard to do. That’s because then you need to talk about desire, and pleasure, and as I did recently with my nine-year-old, things like oral sex. (“Eeeew,” she groaned after I gave a basic description, “That is so gross. What if someone didn’t wipe!?”)

But kids find a lot of things kind of gross and aren’t traumatized.

And explaining that many people have sex not to have babies, but because it feels nice and can forge intimacy and connection, isn’t actually all that hard to say.

Plus, you can always add that if something sounds unappealing, that’s a pretty good sign that a kid sure isn’t ready to experiment with it yet! And you can always let your kids know that they don’t ever have to do something they find unappealing and that no one should ever expect them to do something that sounds gross to them.

2. Start Conversations About Consent Early

Over the past few years, we have seen the emergence of a long overdue public discussion on consent – which is a great thing.

However, most of the focus has been on consent between teens, college students, and young adults. And while these are crucial populations to address, if we really want to nail sex positivity, we need to talk about consent long before high school – and in ways that don’t always link it to sex.

When addressing consent with young kids, you can teach them that they need to get permission to touch others by asking peers and siblings things like “Can I hug you?” or “Can I hold your hand?”

Children should also have their physical boundaries respected by adults.

Adults often think it is perfectly fine to continue to tickle or wrestle a child who is asking them to stop. But it isn’t – and it teaches kids that they don’t really have control over their bodies.

But if their limits are respected, then they can better learn how to identify when lines are belong crossed. This will also help them assert themselves now and in the future.

Kids should also be allowed to change their minds. They shouldn’t, for instance, be taught that keeping a promise is always the most moral thing to do. Enforcing this code can make children feel that they have to follow through with something they earlier agreed to, but that they have since realized isn’t a good idea, or which now makes them uncomfortable.

With older kids, explain that consent for sex can be withdrawn at any time.

Just because you told someone you would hook up with them earlier doesn’t mean you actually have to. Plus, kids and teens should know that you can stop a sexual interaction at any time, even if both people are naked and fooling around. Even in the middle of a sex act."

Religion was designed to conduct itself as a hate group: "A hate group is a social group that advocates and practices hatred, hostility, or violence towards members of a race, ethnicity, nation, religion, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, or any other designated sector of society." Religion was also designed for hate crimes: "A hate crime (also known as a bias-motivated crime or bias crime) is a prejudice-motivated crime which occurs when a perpetrator targets a victim because of their membership (or perceived membership) of a certain social group or racial demographic.

Examples of such groups can include, and are almost exclusively limited to ethnicity, disability, language, nationality, physical appearance, religion, gender identity, or sexual orientation. Non-criminal actions that are motivated by these reasons are often called "bias incidents."

"Sandra Pertot, an Australian sex therapist and clinical psychologist, and author of When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match, developed the concept of 10 libido types. Do you see yourself in one – or more – of them?

Snapshot: You find emotional intimacy more important during sex than physical performance.

Snapshot: You need sex to feel loved and reassured, or to deal with stress.

Snapshot: You feel desire, but avoid sex because you’re worried you can’t please your partner.

Snapshot: You’re not worried about whether you have sex; it’s easier to satisfy sexual needs with masturbation.

Snapshot: You feel an emotional closeness only with someone who is sexually passionate.

Snapshot: Your find it difficult to resist sex with other partners despite being in a relationship.