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It’s up to you to get what you want from sex and to avoid what you don’t want. Get to know yourself, and know your body. Know what you want out of the sexual relationship. What do you find sexually appealing? What feels good to you? What are your limits? Know what kinds of things you are willing to participate in and what things you won’t within a sexual relationship.

Create your own Sexual Health Bill of Rights. Here are some examples:

I have a right to ask questions and receive accurate sexual information.

Our sexual rights

It is time for a reminder of our sexual rights and to give ourselves the permission to be free of the negativity around sex that comes from our rape-prone culture. It can be helpful to read these rights out loud to let them really sink in.

Introduction 

"The Bible is always read with a context in mind. Assumptions are made about the original social context of the text and these are most often derived—consciously or otherwise— from the current social context of the reader or critic. In recent decades the positive value of recognizing these connections has been advocated by contextual theologies in Latin America and elsewhere. Although some critics have rightly cautioned against temptations to superficially equate contemporary social contexts and the biblical world, those committed to a contextual approach have maintained that, when used appropriately, a serious engagement with current social contexts can offer insights into the biblical context and hence into neglected aspects of the biblical text. One area where I believe that shared similarities between past and present contexts can be most usefully investigated is the political arena of state terror and the use of torture for this end. Latin American military regimes used terror in the 1970s and 1980s to create fear and promote fatalism throughout the whole of society. An understanding of this provides a context to recognize Roman crucifixions as instruments of state terror. Furthermore, Latin American torture practices involved deliberate attempts to shame the victims and undermine their sense of dignity. Physical torture and assaults were often coupled with psychological humiliation in attempts to end the victim’s will to resist, or even to live.

Sexual assaults and sexual humiliation are a particularly effective way to do this, and are commonplace in torture practices past and present. This article argues that torture practices can offer a deeper understanding of Roman crucifixion as a form of state terror which included sexual abuse. The analysis below draws on Latin American reports, but a similar reading could be offered through attention to torture in many other contexts, including torture and prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib. To raise the question of sexual abuse in relation to Jesus may at first seem inappropriate. However, the Gospel accounts indicate a striking level of public sexual humiliation in the treatment of Jesus, and even this may not disclose the full horror of Jesus’ torture before his death. Although this may be a very disturbing suggestion at first, at a theological level, a God who has identified with the victims of sexual abuse can be recognized as a positive challenge for contemporary Christian understanding and response. At a pastoral level, it could help sensitize people to the experiences of those who have suffered sexual abuse and, in some cases, might even become a healing step for the victims themselves."

Link: https://ourarchive.otago.ac.nz/bitstream/handle/10523/9834/Tombs%202019%20-%20Crucifixion%20and%20Sexual%20Abuse.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y

"On this Good Friday, as on many before, I consider anew the full range of torture and humiliation to which Jesus of Nazareth was subjected, physical and sexual. The latter is so traumatizing for the Church that we have covered it up -- literally -- covering Jesus' genitals on our crucifixes. But the Romans (and others) who used crucifixion as more than a form of execution, as a form of state-sponsored terrorism -- really lynching -- to control subject populations were not inclined to respect the human or religious dignity, culture or customs of their targets.

The mocking, taunting, forced stripping of Jesus was a sexual assault. He was, as so many of us are -- women and men, children and adult -- vulnerable to those who used physical force against him in whatever way they chose. Those who rush to say, "But he wasn't raped," or, "At least he wasn't raped," miss the point. The combination of various forms of sexualized violence and lethal violence are potent dehumanizing expressions of dominance as in ritual castrations combined with lynching in the American South -- and North."

"It is hard to think of Jesus that way. Hard to find images that preserve that historical perspective. (I couldn't find any nudes that also portrayed Jesus as a Semitic, Afro-Asiatic man.) An Internet search is not for the faint of heart. The sexualization of a bound man or woman is an obvious and a familiar trope in pornography. The association of Jesus with BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, submission/sadomasochism) is horrifying (for me and for many others, but clearly not for all). The line between consensual sexual encounters and assault and sexualized murder is crystal clear for me. Crucifixion, like all forms of lynching, is depraved and should make us uncomfortable whatever our sexual pleasures.

The Church that has a hard time talking about sexual violence perpetrated against mere mortals has an understandably hard time thinking about the sexualized connotations of the crucifixion of the Son of God. The reason the Church has such a hard time thinking critically and talking about sexual violence is because it has a hard time thinking critically and talking about sex. The Church -- and I really mean churches, congregations and denominations -- has had and have a hard time talking honestly and publicly about good healthy sex and so they are unable to speak authoritatively about its antithesis and perversion, the use of sex as a weapon.

There is so much shame associated with sex for so many Christians and those who lead, teach and preach in Christian communities, and that shame is regularly heaped on women and gay or effeminate men. Yet the scandal -- and it is scandalous -- of the Incarnation is that God pulsed into this world between a woman's thighs, in not only the spit and shit of a stable, but passed through her vagina, as Bro. Cornell West says located "between the orifices for urine and excrement."

"Jesus has been carefully shielded from female and male genitalia in the tradition ever since. The idea of Jesus being in either a heterosexual or homosexual relationships are both anathema for many Christians. Even the notion of Jesus' own human sexual development -- erections and nocturnal emissions -- is taboo. And what of his own actions? Could Jesus be fully human as a teenaged boy and man without ever fantasizing or masturbating? If he was truly unmarried in a culture that married teenagers off as soon as they went through puberty in lieu of birth control because there was no controlling those hormones, how did Jesus deal with his own, natural, healthy, God-given sexual desires?"

Side note: I don't mind people casual sex and hooking up being what it is called, I'm elaborating on the importance of not well-treating self and others. 

"I wish I’d known sooner that the careless is the enemy of the good. Sex doesn’t need love, or permanence, or even much talking, in order to be healthy and satisfying. But sex without care is toxic. Sex without care leads to violated boundaries, injured bodies and unequally distributed pleasure. At best, sex without care is awkward and unsatisfying. At worst, sex without care is humiliating, traumatizing and painful.

Sex without care is bad sex, or regrettable sex, or sex with weird social consequences afterward. It’s wanting to sink into the floor when the girl you kissed last weekend gets in line behind you to order coffee at the student center and doesn’t acknowledge your presence even though she clearly saw you standing there.

Casual sex that includes trust, communication and respect is possible. I know because I’ve had it before. There was the arrangement I had for most of 2016 with a lovely, kinky Twitter comedian who wanted to know about my desires and my work drama while sharing my disinterest in dating each other. There was my weekend fling in Boston with an old friend who fucked me and cooked me pizza from scratch for three days. There was the simple and pure one-night-stand I had with a frat guy at age 19; his leg was broken and we stopped having sex when his cast started digging into his skin, at which point we watched the movie Up together instead.

Healthy casual sex isn’t some myth tossed around by naïve feminists and kinky sex educators (trust me, naïve feminists and kinky sex educators are on the cutting edge of creating a world that isn’t trash). But a culture of healthy casual sex requires conscious effort. It’s not all that casual."

"There is nothing wrong with sex that is uncommitted, anonymous, surprising or meaningless. Casual sex is not bad or degrading or hurtful or doomed or dangerous or risky or a threat to civilization and the world order. The problem is not the act. The problem is how we treat each other. It’s the ignoring and the evading and the using and the taking. We’re not doing this right.

And we know we’re not, we know it during every conversation with friends about opaque text messages and uncomfortable sexual encounters. We know we have a problem when we talk about the Me Too movement and sexual harassment and wonder about the nights that were nowhere near rape but left us feeling used and diminished. We want to have sex without commitment, and we fear we’re sacrificing something vital in exchange for that freedom.

One reason we treat each other like shit is the term “casual sex” and all the sticky, unspoken baggage it carries. Our concept of “casual sex” has given us permission to be casual with each other’s humanity.

I see now as an adult that we use the phrases “casual sex” and “hooking up” as shields against vulnerability, trust and compassion. They create a false binary between casual sex and serious sex, turning emotional nuance into a shameful trap and not a normal side effect of two humans interacting. “Casual” lets us stop caring about each other and ourselves, positioning sex as about the individual and not the couple because when it’s over, we are alone again. It is supposed to be an impersonal act of taking pleasure rather than creating it together. It’s physical, unemotional. Serious sex within a relationship means that you care. Casual sex, then, is careless. And if you care, you lose."

"The number one rule for having healthy casual sex: Do not lose sight of your sexual partner’s humanity. Be present and generous with them—before, during and after your sexual encounter.

Treat your sexual partner’s body with respect and care. Share your STI status, ask about their last STI test, and make a plan together to have safe sex. Follow through on that plan.

Be upfront about what you can and cannot offer your sexual partner. Do not coerce or mislead them into a sexual relationship under the guise of future commitment if that’s not what you’re looking for. Likewise, don’t pretend to be satisfied with a casual encounter if you actually want something serious.

Communicate your boundaries. Ask your sexual partner if there is anything they would like for you to know.

Ask your sexual partner for what you need. Give them what they need if it is within your power to do so.

Value your sexual partner’s pleasure as much as your own. Create a sexual experience together, as opposed to using each other for your separate enjoyment.

Pay attention to your sexual partner’s comfort level and check in with them frequently. If they ever seem uncomfortable, stop what you’re doing and ask if they’re okay. If you are uncomfortable, tell them you need to stop. You are always allowed to change your mind.

After having sex, see to your sexual partner’s needs. Are they hungry? Tired? Dehydrated? Sore? They don’t cease to matter once you’ve gotten off. Everyone can benefit from a glass of water.

Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. If you don’t want to see them again, thank them for the experience and wish them well. Be honest and kind.

Don’t play coy. If you want to see them again, say so! It’s 2021, you don’t need to play power games via text.

Above all: care. Care about them. Care about yourself."

For women and girls, the right to control their own bodies and their sexuality without any form of discrimination, coercion, or violence is critical for their empowerment. Without sexual rights, they cannot realize their rights to self-determination and autonomy, nor can they control other aspects of their lives. Indeed it is the attempts to control women’s and girls’ sexuality that result in many of the human rights abuses they face on a daily basis, including gender-based violence, forced marriage, female genital mutilation, and limitations on their mobility, dress, education, employment, and participation in public life. The same holds true for lesbians, gay men, bisexual people, transgender people, sex workers, and others who transgress sexual and gender norms and who face greater risk of violence, stigma, and discrimination as a result. 

It is clear: sexual rights underpin the enjoyment of all other human rights and are a prerequisite for equality and justice. At the global level, there is great debate about whether or how to define sexual rights. IWHC believes in order to overcome some of the political barriers to the recognition, respect for, protection, and fulfillment of sexual rights we need to clarify what they are.

 IWHC, in collaboration with other leading human rights and sexual health organizations, have developed the following working definition of sexual rights:

Other definitions, such as the World Health Organization working definition, make the link between sexual rights and existing human rights that are critical to the realization of sexual health, and includes: the rights to equality and non-discrimination;

While most love a great conversation, you require it daily from the person you choose. When you hear someone talking about their thoughts, and the things that they question or know in life, you not only admire them, but you find yourself attracted to them on a level unlike any other.

You dig deeper into human beings. If there isn’t much below the surface, you find yourself bored and uninterested. You can’t even fathom being with someone like that for the rest of your life. You crave intelligence, to you it is exciting, and it takes precedence over what someone does for a living, or how much money they have.

If someone challenges you to a debate, you find yourself drawn to them on a deeper level. In them, you discover a counterpart who will always expand your mind, and who doesn’t shy away from using their knowledge to test or entice you. You don’t find these kinds of people stubborn or pretentious, either. You admire their eagerness, and their thirst for smart conversation.

Yes, you need to be physically attracted to someone in order to be with them. However, if they are simply just a pretty face, you tire easily. To you, conversation is key, and no matter how attractive someone is, if they cannot hold one, and if they cannot deepen your knowledge, they aren’t worth your time.

While most people often find themselves enthralled with other right away, you ease into relationships and attractions. For you, you always discover a diamond in the rough — someone who may not initially be the shiniest person in the room, but who holds within them depth and a thirst for life the more and more you dig into who they are. When you slowly discover someone’s wit, someone smarts, their emotional intelligence, the way they speak, the way they resolve conflicts, your attraction to them grows. You are slow and steady.

You feel physically uncomfortable when someone cannot hold a deep conversation with you. Small talk is a thing of nightmares, and you would much rather sit in silence than have to answer to someone’s comments on the weather. You admire those who use their intelligence to carry conversations forward, to expand on ideas and ask questions that fuel speaking points.

You cannot stand those who need to assert themselves through aggression or over the top gestures. You have no tolerance for men or women who are foolish, and who unravel easily. You find it attractive when someone can meet difficult situations with poise, and with intellect. You admire those who can rationalize their feelings, and who do not explode or fly off the handle, whenever things go wrong."

This means that you can choose not to be sexual, even if your partner would like you to be sexual. This includes deciding not to be sexual with someone you have been sexual with before.

The right to make your own decisions about birth control and protection from sexually transmitted infections (STIs), regardless of your partner's wishes; the right to make free and responsible reproductive choices.

This means that you can choose whether to use birth control and decide how to protect yourself. Making responsible reproductive choices also involves deciding if or when you and your partner would like to have a child. This includes the right to tell a partner that you will not have sex without birth control or without protection from STIs. Pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections shouldn't "just happen."

The right to stop sexual activity at any time, including during or just before intercourse.

This includes the right to make your own decisions about sexual activity, but it's important to remember that being sexual is not an all-or-nothing deal. There are several levels of sexual activity. You can decide what you're comfortable with and engage in only those activities you want to participate in.

The right to tell anyone that you are not comfortable being hugged or kissed in certain ways.

Even if someone is related to you, they cannot force you to experience affection the way that they would like. You have the right to tell your relatives and other acquaintances how you are comfortable expressing affection and to be free from sexual harassment.

The right to ask a partner if they have been examined for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Asking a partner about STIs doesn't mean you're accusing them of anything. It means you're being a responsible, sexual person.

The right to tell a partner what you would like sexually or to tell a partner that you would like to be hugged, cuddled or touched without sex.

This means you have the right to talk to your partner about your wants and needs. It includes the right to tell a partner that they are being too rough, and the right to be sensual without being sexual.

The right to masturbate.

You have the right to give yourself sexual pleasure; it's not dirty, wrong or shameful. Your partner does not have the right to tell you not to masturbate.

The right to sexual autonomy, sexual integrity and safety of your sexual body.

This means you have the right to make decisions about your sexual life according to your own values. You have the right to be sexual without violence of any sort.

The right to sexual privacy.

This means you have the right to make your own decisions about sex as long as your decisions don't interfere with the sexual rights of others. This also includes the right to be examined by a doctor for sexual concerns without the doctor sharing that information with other people, except in extreme circumstances (like abuse)."

"People are often confused by what I do when I tell them I am a Sexual Empowerment Coach and Sexuality Educator. The other day someone said, “Oh, so you do prevention?”

I smiled and explained that prevention might be one small piece of a holistic approach to sexuality, and that I’m more about creating and expanding sexuality than preventing it!

We learn to deal with sexuality in deficits. What’s not there. What we don’t have. What we can’t be. What we can’t do. What we need to stay away from. I’d like to swing the lens around 180 degrees and take a look at what we DO want. What we CAN be. What we CAN have. What we CAN do. What types of lovers we CAN draw to us. What experiences we CAN create for ourselves. How we can EXPAND who we are exponentially when we develop, nurture, heal and explore our sexuality. This week, I want to answer the question, “What does it mean to be a sexually empowered person?”