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“How can survivors feel safer in a new romantic or sexual relationship?

Survivors should consider practicing cautious optimism. First dates can be exciting, encouraging, and nerve-wracking, but it’s also critical for a survivor to trust their gut when red flags emerge. And, the wise and common advice still applies: Meeting in a public place when just starting to date someone can offer an easy exit and prevent strong feelings of vulnerability.

It’s also critical for survivors to develop a definition of consent and consider their boundaries when it comes to different and/or new sexual activities. Examining feelings of shame and victim-blaming with a professional can be one of the biggest steps in developing these boundaries.

How can partners support survivors?

“Partners can be supportive by educating themselves on how survivorship can affect sex,” Mottley explains. “It’s important to understand the survivor’s needs and triggers. It may take some patience.”

As always, communication is the best place to start, though it is up to the survivor to disclose and begin the conversation.

“I think it’s great to agree on some communication methods (verbal and nonverbal) and check in regularly (before, during and after),” she continues. “I am a firm believer in survivor-centered approaches, so being open and honoring where the survivor is at any given moment is essential.”

Already a taboo topic in many communities, sex can be tricky to discuss in the healthiest of situations; for assault survivors, this stigma might feel magnified. Partners can help by practicing clear, proactive communication that affirms the survivor’s experience, articulates the boundaries of the relationship, and offers a willingness to be patient.

For example, a good message might sound something like, “I understand how your experiences might make sex difficult, but I want you to know that I respect your boundaries and am willing to wait as long as you need to begin exploring this.”

At the end of the day, however, the most well-meaning partner cannot heal a survivor’s trauma. The return to sex and romance isn’t a matter of outside reassurance and needs to prioritize the inner-struggle of the survivor.” -https://www.caase.org/sex-after-sexual-assault/.

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“From polyamory to asexuality, a genuine sense of sexuality and emotional health should belong to everyone. Survivors, however, often face higher obstacles and rockier terrain when it comes to reclaiming sex and/or romance after harm. While every situation is unique, we talked to experts and gathered answers to common questions survivors have while healing these parts of their identity.

What are the first steps a survivor should take when they feel ready to recover their sexuality?

“It definitely depends on where they’re at in their healing journey, but I think a great first step is always developing awareness around their relationship with sex and sexuality,” says LeChae Mottley, a trauma therapist at Resilience. “It’s also good to take some time to reflect on messaging you’ve received around sex and sexuality throughout your life.”

She also encourages survivors to explore masturbation when they feel comfortable doing so. Solo sex can be a means of therapeutic self-discovery.

“For many clients, I like to think of solo sex and partnered sex separately. Solo sex can be a great way to explore likes, dislikes, and triggers. One activity that may be helpful is developing a scale to document triggers, body sensations and emotions that come with sex,” she continues. “By ranking different activities, survivors can allow themselves to explore the safer end of the spectrum and move up from there.”

What kind of sexual challenges do survivors face?

To put things simply, it’s complicated.

“It really depends on the survivor. Sexual challenges are generally on a spectrum. On one end, folks may find themselves increasing sexual activity and on the other end some may have a deep aversion to sex,” Mottley says. “And of course, most will likely be somewhere in between.”

Specific challenges can include inability to get aroused, lack of interest in sex, inability to experience pleasure or sexual experiences that are higher risk. All challenges are valid and depend on different factors.” https://www.caase.org/sex-after-sexual-assault/.

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“A webcam model (colloquially, camgirl, camboy, or cammodel) is a video performer who streams on the Internet with a live webcam broadcast.[1] A webcam model often performs erotic acts online, such as stripping, masturbation, or sex acts in exchange for money, goods, or attention.[2][3] They may also sell videos of their performances. Once viewed as a small niche in the world of adult entertainment, camming became "the engine of the porn industry," according to Alec Helmy, the publisher of XBIZ, a sex-trade industry journal.[4] As many webcam models operate in the comfort of their own homes, they are free to choose the amount of sexual content for their broadcasts.[5] While most display nudity and sexually provocative behavior, some choose to remain mostly clothed and merely talk about various topics, while still soliciting payment as tips from their fans.[6] Webcam models are predominantly women, and also include noted performers of all genders and sexualities.[7] In the United States, webcam models are considered as self-employed workers, and their tax rate is 15.3% (where 12.4% is for social security and 2.9% for Medicare), plus income tax. If a webcam model earns more than $600 in a year, they are sent a 1099 form and are required to report the income to the IRS.[17]

Personal connection and interaction

Performances can be interactive in both public and private video chat rooms, as viewers and performers can communicate with each other using a keyboard, speech, and two-way cameras.[14] Within public chat rooms, the audience can see tips and viewer comments as scrolling text next to the real-time video stream. Camgirls will frequently read and respond to the scrolling viewer comments.[1] The chatter is constant and is often led by a small band of regular fans.[9] There are often connections between erotic video performance and the everyday social lives of camming customers. Webcam performers are often highly entrepreneurial and use mainstream social networking sites such as Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Skype, and Tumblr to build and maintain relationships with their customers.[12] Some fans communicate multiple times a day with models through social media. The term webcam is a clipped compound used to combine the terms World Wide Web and video camera.

When webcam models create their live webcasts, they perform the activity known as camming. A third-party hosting website which transmits multiple webcam models' video-streams is known as a camming site. Webcam models mostly perform individually in separate video chat rooms, frequently referred to as rooms. A camming website acts as an intermediary and aggregator by hosting independent models, and verifies that all are at least 18 years old.[1][13] Camming websites typically fall into two main categories, dependent upon whether their video chat rooms are free or private. Viewers in private chat rooms pay the performance by the minute. In free chat rooms, payment is voluntary in the form of tips.[14]

Tips are electronic tokens that viewers can buy from a camming website, and then give to the models during live performances to show appreciation. Tokens can also be used to buy access to private shows, operate a Teledildonic device that a model may be wearing, or buy videos and souvenirs from a model. The website provides the transactional platform and then collects and distributes a percentage of the tips to the models. For public chat rooms, the model's portion of a tip ranges from 30% to 70%, depending on the cam site.[15].”

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“Although challenging, it is not impossible to be a feminist in the artificial environment of mainstream pornography. Nor is it impossible to disrupt the inauthenticity of this staged environment through acting upon one's feminist ethos.

– Madison Young, 2014[47]

Feminist pornography is less likely to be filmed due to a lack of audience demand since a majority of pornography viewers are male.[48] The scope of the adult entertainment industry depends on the preferences of the majority of their viewers, which creates the need for female actresses to be young and overtly sexualized.[49] The increase in this mainstream mass-produced media puts both actresses and producers of feminist pornography at a disadvantage.[50] Some misconceptions of feminist porn that add to their disadvantage are that it is only for queer women, 'vanilla', and 'man-hating'.[35] When working on feminist porn projects, Ingrid Ryberg, feminist porn producer, wanted to make sure to address these stereotypes, while also staying in the realm of feminist pornography.[51] Some producers, like Tristan Taormino, address this by staying away from stereotypical, mainstream tropes, like 'cum shots', while still respecting the expression of rougher sex.[51] The rise of on-screen appropriations, such as items like a strap-on dildo used by and for the pleasure of females during sexual intercourse, has allowed for more agency for women within the industry.[52] Annie Sprinkle is one example of a woman who chooses to partake in many forms of feminist pornography in order to counter-appropriate patriarchal mainstream pornography.[53] Films in which Sprinkle stars contain scenes of her having orgasms instead of her male on-screen partners.[53]

According to Tristan Taormino, "Feminist porn both responds to dominant images with alternative ones and creates its own iconography."[54]

What sets feminist porn from mainstream porn is its intentions.[55] Mainstream pornography is made for mass consumption, profit and arousal; feminist pornography is also made for arousal and profit, but also to create content that purposely shows agency, genuine pleasure, and challenges mainstream standards, like beauty and gender roles.[55] One way to conceptualize these differences is through defining sexual objectification and sexual agency.[55] Feminist pornography focuses on promoting sexual agency.[55]

Some pornographic actresses such as Nina Hartley,[56] Ovidie,[57] and Madison Young are also self-described sex-positive feminists, and state that they do not see themselves as victims of sexism. They defend their decision to perform in pornography as freely chosen, and argue that much of what they do on camera is an expression of their sexuality. It has also been pointed out that in pornography, women generally earn more than their male counterparts.[58] Hartley is active in the sex workers' rights movement.[56]” -Wikipedia.

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These are perfect definitions of me: “proheauxism 1. Proheaux womanism. Derived from the more colloquial “pro-hoe.” (Spelling altered to reflect difference & refinement[2].) A sex worker womanist, feminist, or hustler-heaux committed to collective and personal justice, not just sexually, but through recognition of labor and physical security. Radically thotty[3], and proud of it. Curious about their sexuality, about birth and rebirth, about challenge and change, about redemption and reparations, about the physical and the emotional. Loves the river in all its incarnations. A pro-sex, pro-pleasure politic that is specifically centered on the multiply marginalized. Might be: marvelous. One who owns oneself and one's own sexuality or gender expression, regardless of whether or not they are attached to a man or masculine person.

2. A womanist who rejects antiheaux sentiments as well as respectability, racial capitalism, and whore hierarchies. Rejects misogynoir and transmisogynoir--all forms of misogyny, period. Does not accept nor engage in active or passive transphobia, homophobia, colorism, xenophobia, classism, or anti Blackness. Doesn’t juxtapose the erotic and pornography, and recognizes that non-exploitative pleasure comes in varied forms, is not always sex-centered, and is paramount to the human experience. Against all forms of erasure and systemic oppression. Recognizes that solidarity is impossible without acknowledging difference and rejects the urge to homogenize experiences under the guise of inclusivity.

3. Rejection of the idea of one standard of femininity as determined by genitalia (transphobia/intersex erasure and denial). Ecowomanist-minded, in the sense that they are against the environmental racism that plagues black, and brown, and indigenous peoples across the globe due to industrialization, pollution, and redlining which locates hazardous materials in poor, Black, and brown neighborhoods. Committed to the safety of all marginalized peoples. A rejection of phallocentrism (dick-centrism), gender and biological essentialism, racism, cissexism, heterosexism, fatphobia, ageism, ableism, and speciesism --not only in the realm of sexual and pleasure politics, but in all realms. Cares for the environment as a whole, desires to correct the exploitation of all animals, and rejects the notion of human-animal superiority in favor of preserving the ecosystem as a whole. Committed to self, to community, to justice.

4. Commitment to decriminalization and destigmatization of erotic, “vice,” and informal labor. Not just pro-casual sex and pro-promiscuity, but pro-sex work(er). Not simply sex (choice) positive, but pragmatic and communal. Understands the complexities between empowerment and exploitation when residing in an oppressive or imperialist colonized state. Against all forms of racial and genital fetishism. Opposed to the co-option of prison abolitionist language by colonizers and anti-sex work activists. Eschews transgression for the sake of transgression--being “subversive” and securing the ability to “choose under the system” is not inherently revolutionary. Against sexual or body shaming of any kind. Commitment, autonomy, and agency, in particular regard to reproductive/sexual, mental and physical health, including but not limited to access to abortion, antiretroviral drugs, adequate child care, health insurance, and affordable housing. Always centers the multiply marginalized. Isn’t here for supporting multiculturalist white supremacy. Devoted to economic freedom, and critiquing and dismantling capitalism.

5. A hustler, a professional hoe, prostitute, erotic or informal laborer who is producing, living, and surviving sometimes via sexual, sexual-affective, or erotic means. A poor/working class innovator.” -https://www.patreon.com/posts/thotscholar-of-1-29836133?utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter&utm_campaign=postshare.

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“Feminist porn versus mainstream porn

Porn can serve as the lodestar for consent—for representing safe, communicative sex. Instead, mainstream porn is often representing scenes that encourage violence. A 2010 study found that 88 percent of the most popular porn videos included physical aggression and 48 percent of the videos included verbal aggression. Erika Lust explained that, “Too many times in porn, you see the woman being used as just a prop, a passive object that is acted upon.”

The study also discovered that in 94 percent of the scenes, most of the aggression was directed toward women. Moreover, young adults are exposed to erotica and porn as young as 10 years old—and many believe that what happens in porn is realistic.

Feminist porn does not eradicate violent fantasy, aural play, and bondage. In fact, it celebrates and encourages individuals to radically traverse their fantasies and indulge in them, explore them, and legitimately defend them. Feminist porn does not dismantle fantasy. Actresses are hog-tied; they can be submissive. Annie Sprinkle, the author of Hardcore From the Heart: The Pleasures, Profits, and Politics of Sex in Performance, said, “Sex doesn’t always look politically correct.”

So, what makes feminist porn different from mainstream porn? The performers typically choose their scenes. It is important to note that mainstream porn is often non-unionized and without benefits, which creates ground for exploitation.

Erika Lust explained that her production company provides an environmentally, emotionally, and physically safe space for everyone involved in production. She said, “Ethical porn is adult cinema that [is] guaranteed to have been made with the consent of all parties involved. In ethical porn, boundaries and personal limits are respected. This environment emphasizes safety and mutual respect.”

Feminist films also “make sure women are behind the camera and get to make active decisions about how it is produced and presented.” Lust explained that feminist sex scenes represent, “female sexuality, pleasure, and desires.”

Of course, feminists are not a monolith. The question of whether porn can even be feminist is still argued among differing groups of feminists. Anti-porn feminists, for example, believe that sex work and pornography is harmful, while pro-sex feminists see it as a person’s right to choose. Meanwhile, many feminists, who largely agree that mainstream porn is problematic in production and direction, believe that there is a gray area in between.

The subjective gray area of sexual fantasy—for example, rape fantasy—can even represent a feminist dilemma for the viewer.

The Feminist Porn Book reminds us, “In the midst of this dilemma, I think it is important to point out that porn is still a form of entertainment.” -https://rewirenewsgroup.com/2017/12/07/feminist-porn-traversing-mainstream/.

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“In feminist theory, the male gaze is the act of depicting women and the world in the visual arts[2] and in literature[3] from a masculine, heterosexual perspective that presents and represents women as sexual objects for the pleasure of the heterosexual male viewer.[4] In the visual and aesthetic presentations of narrative cinema, the male gaze has three perspectives: that of the man behind the camera, that of the male characters within the film's cinematic representations; and that of the spectator gazing at the image.[5][6]” “In healthy masculine theory, the female gaze is the act of depicting men and the world in the visual arts[2] and in literature[3] from a feminist, heterosexual perspective that presents and represents men as sexual objects for the pleasure of the heterosexual female viewer.[4] In the visual and aesthetic presentations of narrative cinema, the male gaze has three perspectives: that of the woman behind the camera, that of the female characters within the film's cinematic representations; and that of the spectator gazing at the image.[5][6].” -Wikipedia and Antonio Myers

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“Sexual dysfunction can be classified into four categories: sexual desire disorders, arousal disorders, orgasm disorders, and pain disorders. Dysfunction among men and women are studied in the fields of andrology and gynecology respectively.[6] Sexual dysfunction is difficulty experienced by an individual or partners during any stage of normal sexual activity, including physical pleasure, desire, preference, arousal, or orgasm. The World Health Organization defines sexual dysfunction as a "person's inability to participate in a sexual relationship as they would wish".[1] This definition is broad and is subject to many interpretations.[2] A diagnosis of sexual dysfunction under the DSM-5 requires a person to feel extreme distress and interpersonal strain for a minimum of six months (except for substance- or medication-induced sexual dysfunction). Sexual dysfunction can have a profound impact on an individual's perceived quality of sexual life.[3] The term sexual disorder may not only refer to physical sexual dysfunction, but to paraphilias as well; this is sometimes termed disorder of sexual preference. A thorough sexual history and assessment of general health and other sexual problems (if any) are important when assessing sexual dysfunction, because it is usually correlated with other psychiatric issues, such as mood disorders, eating and anxiety disorders, and schizophrenia.[4][5][2] Assessing performance anxiety, guilt, stress, and worry are integral to the optimal management of sexual dysfunction. Many of the sexual dysfunctions that are defined are based on the human sexual response cycle proposed by William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, and modified by Helen Singer Kaplan.” -Wikipedia.

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“Erotica is literature or art that deals substantively with subject matter that is erotic, sexually stimulating or sexually arousing. Some critics regard pornography as a type of erotica, but many consider it to be different. Erotic art may use any artistic form to depict erotic content, including painting, sculpture, drama, film or music. Erotic literature and erotic photography have become genres in their own right. The term erotica is derived from the feminine form of the ancient Greek adjective: ἐρωτικός (erōtikós), from ἔρως (érōs)—words used to indicate lust, and sexual love.[1]

Curiosa are curiosities or rarities, especially unusual or erotic books.[2] In the antiquarian book trade, pornographic works are often listed under "curiosa", "erotica" or "facetiae". Eroticism (from Ancient Greek ἔρως (érōs) 'love, desire', and -ism) is a quality that causes sexual feelings,[1] as well as a philosophical contemplation concerning the aesthetics of sexual desire, sensuality, and romantic love. That quality may be found in any form of artwork, including painting, sculpture, photography, drama, film, music, or literature. It may also be found in advertising. The term may also refer to a state of sexual arousal[1] or anticipation of such – an insistent sexual impulse, desire, or pattern of thoughts. As French novelist Honoré de Balzac stated, eroticism is dependent not just upon an individual's sexual morality, but also the culture and time in which an individual resides.[2][3][4].”

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“When it comes to sex life and love life, I value being healthily confidential, being healthily strictly confidential, being healthily top secret, being healthily classified, being healthily restricted,

being healthily unrevealed, being healthily undisclosed, being healthily unpublished, being healthily untold, being healthily unknown, being healthily uncommunicated, healthily under wraps, healthily unofficial, healthily off the record, healthily not to be made public, healthily not to be disclosed, healthily sub rosa, healthily concealed, healthily unheard, healthily untouched, healthily healthily unfelt, healthily hidden, healthily underground, healthily unnoticed, and healthily invisible.” -Antonio Myers.

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