🎙️ TOURING HISTORY – May 3 Edition As told by Lane & Dave

LANE (with incredulity): It’s May 3rd—a date that, like most of history, will make you say: “Oh, that’s fascinating!” followed quickly by, “Wait, that’s real?!”

DAVE (dry): A day with Machiavelli, Bing Crosby, student riots, legal victories, and the reason we have an entire aisle of plastic potatoes at Target.

🎉 Birthday Roll Call

LANE: Let’s start with the birthdays. Niccolò Machiavelli—the father of political scheming. If you’ve ever said “It’s not personal, it’s just business,” congratulations, you’re a little bit Machiavellian and a candidate for any White House administration.

DAVE: Bing Crosby, born 1903—the only person to sell millions of records by singing about snow while Living in southern california where there is none.

LANE: And James Brown—the Godfather of Soul. The only man who could sweat through a tuxedo and still look cool.

🏛️ 1802: Washington, D.C. is Incorporated

DAVE: On this day in 1802, Washington, D.C. was incorporated. And almost immediately, the city’s core export became: disappointment.

LANE: Yes, D.C. was built on a swamp, and it’s been capturing career politicians like the La Brea tar pits ever since.

📚 1937: Gone with the Wind Wins Pulitzer Prize

LANE: 1937: Gone with the Wind wins the Pulitzer. A book that’s somehow both beloved and deeply problematic. It’s like if your grandma knitted you a Confederate flag—sentimental, but please, let’s never do this again.

🏠 1948: Supreme Court Strikes Down Racial Housing Covenants

DAVE: In 1948, the Supreme Court ruled against racial housing covenants. Which was a huge step—finally, Black families could buy homes in previously restricted neighborhoods! And then, as if on cue, America invented new and exciting forms of housing discrimination. Because if there’s one thing America loves more than a parade, it’s moving the goalposts. Can you say redline?

🏙️ 1973: Sears Tower Tops Out in Chicago

DAVE: The Sears Tower was topped out in 1973, making it the world’s tallest building. Chicagoans celebrated by insisting for the next 50 years that “it’s still called Sears, dammit.”

LANE: They could rename it the “Free Pizza for Everyone Tower” and Chicagoans would still say, “Nope. Sears.”and if there’s one thing Chicago loves it being tall and not called Willis.

🥔 1952: Mr. Potato Head—First Toy TV Ad

LANE: 1952: Mr. Potato Head becomes the first toy ever advertised on television. Yes, we invented the modern children’s commercial by selling kids a box of dismembered plastic faces for a potato.

DAVE: And let’s be honest, if that was invented today, we’d call it “NFT Head” and lose millions in crypto.

📸 2014: Instagram Introduces Native Advertising

DAVE: 2014: Instagram debuts native ads—so you can scroll through fake photos of your friends’ vacations and be marketed acne cream at the same time. Machiavelli eat your heart out. Speaking of eating…It’s time for a word from our sponsor.

🎙️ [SPONSOR BREAK – Rise Doughnuts]

LANE: If this all sounds exhausting, don’t worry. This episode is brought to you by Rise Doughnuts in Wilton, Connecticut.

DAVE: Small-batch, hand-crafted, and, unlike “Gone with the Wind,” universally beloved.

LANE: If you’re going to eat your feelings, don’t be like a french protester and take all day.

DAVE: Follow @risedoughnut, and don’t worry—no one will judge you for ordering the entire menu. Well maybe just the line of 50 people behind you.

✍️ 1915: “In Flanders Fields” Written

DAVE: 1915: “In Flanders Fields” is written, becoming the most quoted poem in remembrance ceremonies and the #1 reason poppies are forever associated with tragic English weather not to mention Glenda the good witch from the Wizard of OZ

🗺️ 2000: Geocaching Begins

LANE: 2000: Geocaching begins—the sport of using expensive satellite technology to find old Tupperware in public parks.

DAVE: It’s like Pokémon Go, but for people who love hiking and frustrating disappointment.

🕵️ 2007: Madeleine McCann Disappears

LANE: In 2007, Madeleine McCann disappeared, whoever she is god bless her. That’s right folks we mention even random European crime scenes. We call them head scratchers!   It happened in Portugal, launching a global search, tabloid frenzy, and more conspiracy documentaries than Netflix has “true crime” stories.

📧 1978: First Spam Email

DAVE: 1978: The first spam email is sent. So, thank you, history, for ensuring that every morning starts with “Congratulations, you’ve won!” and ends with malware. I’ll give our listeners a chance to guess where the term Spam came from and it’s not the canned meat!

PLAY CLIP

🔥 2016: Fort McMurray Wildfire Evacuates Entire City

LANE: And finally, in 2016, the Fort McMurray wildfire forced an entire Canadian city to evacuate—reminding us that even Canada gets tired of being polite and occasionally just burns the whole thing down. 

Dave: And the fact the all the Mounties were busy rescuing damsels in distress from railroad tracks.

🎙️ CLOSING LINE

LANE: So that’s May 3rd: cities founded, towers topped, riots that mattered, toys that don’t, and more advertising than your dopamine receptors can handle.

DAVE: We’ll be back tomorrow, with another day of history’s best, worst, and most accidentally hilarious moments.

LANE: Until then, stay skeptical…

DAVE: …stay at least three clicks ahead of the next spam email…

BOTH: …and stay historical.

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🎙️ TOURING HISTORY – May 2 Edition As told by Lane & Dave

LANE (brightly indignant): It’s May 2nd, a date that celebrates literature, beauty, war crimes, and royalty—which, honestly, is just a typical Tuesday in British history.

DAVE (deadpan): It’s a day where the Bible gets rebranded, Berlin gets captured, and Apple reminds you that even dystopia can be sold in a sleek aluminum shell.

🎉 Birthday Roll Call

LANE: Happy birthday to Catherine the Great, born in 1729—empress of Russia, art collector, and quite possibly the most misunderstood horse enthusiast in European gossip history.

DAVE: Also born today: David Beckham, proof that if you look good enough, no one cares how many red cards you’ve racked up.

LANE: And Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson turns 53 today. He went from professional wrestling to global superstardom by playing the same role in every movie: “muscular man, emotional range of a granite countertop.”

📖 1611: King James Bible Published

LANE: Today in 1611, the King James Bible was published for the first time. It was commissioned by King James I, who apparently read the Bible and thought, “This needs more pageantry and significantly weirder phrasing.”

DAVE: It’s the version of the Bible that sounds like it was translated by Shakespeare’s stunt double during a migraine.

LANE: But to this day, it remains the go-to version for anyone trying to sound holy… or just win an argument on Facebook.

🧼 1885: Good Housekeeping Magazine Debuts

DAVE: In 1885, Good Housekeeping magazine debuted, promising to help women manage their homes better—which is adorable, considering in 1885, “managing your home” mostly meant not dying of typhoid in the laundry.

LANE: The magazine later introduced the “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval”, which sounds impressive—until you realize it’s just a fancy way of saying, “we didn’t die using this toaster.”

🚫 1933: Hitler Bans Trade Unions

LANE (grimly): In 1933, Adolf Hitler banned all trade unions in Germany. Because, apparently, even fascism has room for “Sorry, you’re not allowed to collectively bargain anymore.”

DAVE: And this is why labor rights are important. Because the second someone says, “You don’t need a union”, what they really mean is “We’re about to do something deeply illegal, and we don’t want you talking about it.”

🏁 1945: Soviet Troops Capture Berlin

DAVE: In 1945, Soviet troops captured Berlin, ending the European theater of World War II and beginning a Cold War that would last decades.

LANE: And the symbolism here is astounding—because if ever there were a city that deserved to be invaded by history itself, it’s Berlin.

DAVE: A city that rebuilt itself so many times, it now has a monument for every bad decision since 1871.

💍 2011: Royal Wedding of William & Kate

LANE: Also in 2011, Prince William married Kate Middleton, in a televised wedding watched by two billion people, and remembered primarily for a hat that looked like a cinnamon roll doing the Macarena.

DAVE: And honestly, it’s the only time a British public ceremony made Americans say, “Wow… that’s classy.”

LANE: They’re still married. Which in royal years is basically a platinum anniversary.

💻 1983: Apple Releases “1984” Teaser

DAVE: In 1983, Apple released the teaser for its “1984” ad, an Orwellian-inspired spot meant to position Macintosh as a revolution against conformity.

LANE: Which is deeply ironic—considering today, Apple is the exact kind of monolithic overlord the ad warned us about.

DAVE: It’s like if Greenpeace launched a new oil tanker and named it “The Eco-Crusher.”

💁‍♀️ 2003: Dove’s “Real Beauty” Campaign Launches

LANE: In 2003, Dove launched its “Real Beauty” campaign, encouraging women to embrace natural beauty and ignore unrealistic standards.

DAVE: It was a radical act of brand-driven feminism… sponsored by a company that also sells cellulite cream.

LANE: So yes—empowerment, but make it revenue-generating.

🎙️ [SPONSOR BREAK – Rise Doughnuts]

LANE: If history is starting to feel overwhelming, there’s only one solution: doughnuts. This episode is brought to you by Rise Doughnuts in Wilton, Connecticut.

DAVE: Small-batch, handmade, and more satisfying than watching Goebbels resign.

LANE: They rotate flavors, they sell out early, and they’re so good they once made a man cry in a Subaru.

DAVE: Follow @risedoughnut. Because when everything feels broken, glaze fixes it.

🗳️ 1997: Tony Blair Elected UK Prime Minister

DAVE: Back to Britain. In 1997, Tony Blair was elected Prime Minister in a landslide victory.

LANE: And it all started so well! Until, of course, he decided, “Yes, George W. Bush seems like a smart foreign policy partner.”

🏀 2014: Donald Sterling Banned for Life by NBA

DAVE: In 2014, Donald Sterling, owner of the L.A. Clippers, was banned for life from the NBA after recordings surfaced of deeply racist comments.

LANE: It was shocking. Not the racism—because, let’s be honest, that had receipts—but the fact that the NBA finally said, “Yeah, we’re done here.”

DAVE: And that was the last time a billionaire faced meaningful consequences. Ever.

💶 1998: European Central Bank Founded

LANE: In 1998, the European Central Bank was founded. Its job? Keep the euro stable. Its vibe? “We do math… but in a very nervous way.”

DAVE: Imagine if your accountant also controlled 27 nations’ economies. Now imagine them trying to explain inflation… in four languages.

✈️ 1952: First Commercial Jet Flight Takes Off

DAVE: In 1952, the world’s first commercial jet flight took off from London to Johannesburg.

LANE: It was sleek. It was fast. And it was less terrifying than flying Spirit in 2025.

🌪️ 2008: Cyclone Nargis Hits Myanmar

LANE (serious): And in 2008, Cyclone Nargis hit Myanmar, killing over 130,000 people. It remains one of the deadliest natural disasters of the 21st century.

DAVE: And the Myanmar government’s response? Almost criminally negligent. Because apparently, ignoring thousands of dying citizens is a leadership strategy now.

🎙️ CLOSING LINE

LANE: So that was May 2—a day of queens and coups, bibles and banner ads, cereal-like leadership, and actual cereal.

DAVE: We’ll be back tomorrow with more history and fewer billionaires.

LANE: Until then—stay informed…

DAVE: …stay suspicious of inspirational ad campaigns…

BOTH: …and stay historical.

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🎙️ TOURING HISTORY – May 1 Edition

LANE : It’s May 1st, also known as May Day—a day for workers’ rights, political protests, and deeply uncomfortable flash mobs involving people dressed as anthropomorphic hammers.

DAVE: Or as Americans call it: Monday, with more yelling.

🎉 Birthday Roll Call

LANE: Happy birthday to Tim McGraw—country music legend, actor, and the only man who can turn a sleeveless plaid shirt into a moral philosophy.

DAVE: Also born today: Judy Collins, whose voice could calm a riot. And Wes Anderson, whose films are what would happen if Etsy became sentient.

🇬🇧 1707: England and Scotland Form Great Britain

LANE: On this day in 1707, England and Scotland merged to form Great Britain, which was sort of like if two aging rock bands joined forces… and still couldn’t agree on who got to headline.

DAVE: It was a historic act of unity. And by unity, we mean: "You get the sheep, we get the money."

👷 1886: Chicago Workers March for 8-Hour Workday

LANE: In 1886, Chicago workers marched for an eight-hour workday, which was seen as radical at the time.

And to be fair, it still is—especially to anyone who’s ever gotten a Slack notification at 11:47 PM that just says, “Quick question…”

DAVE: They risked their lives for reasonable labor conditions. We, on the other hand, get excited about casual Fridays.

🗽 1931: Empire State Building Opens

DAVE: The Empire State Building opened today in 1931. It was the tallest building in the world and a testament to American ambition.

LANE: And, like most things built during the Great Depression, it was also a massive “screw you” to poverty. “Can’t afford bread? Try looking at the skyline, peasant!”

✈️ 1960: U-2 Spy Plane Shot Down

LANE: In 1960, an American U-2 spy plane was shot down over the Soviet Union. Because what better way to say “we come in peace” than flying a camera-equipped plane 70,000 feet above someone else's nukes?

DAVE: The pilot was captured, questioned, and probably asked at least once, “Do you even go here?”

🇪🇺 2004: The EU Expands by 10 Countries

DAVE: In 2004, the European Union expanded, welcoming 10 new countries into the fold. It was Europe’s version of “The Bachelor”—except with more treaties and slightly fewer tears.

LANE: It was the biggest expansion in EU history, proving that nothing brings people together like bureaucracy, wine, and a shared disdain for American tourists.

🥣 1941: Cheerios Introduced (as CheeriOats)

LANE: In 1941, Cheerios were introduced—originally called CheeriOats, which sounds like something a horse would say right before unionizing.

DAVE: They rebranded after a trademark dispute. Because even during World War II, the real battle was always over cereal naming rights.

💻 2000: First Online Banner Ad Archived

LANE: In 2000, the first online banner ad was officially archived. It was from AT&T, and it asked: “Have you ever clicked your mouse right here?”

DAVE: Which, frankly, sounds like a phishing scam and a bad Tinder opener at the same time.

LANE: This was the dawn of online advertising—a glorious era when every website looked like a slot machine and half your screen was screaming “CONGRATULATIONS YOU’VE WON!” You hadn’t.

🎙️ [SPONSOR BREAK – Rise Doughnuts]

LANE: Now, if you're feeling overwhelmed by imperial history, labor revolts, and banner ads from hell… don’t worry. There’s doughnuts.

DAVE: This episode is brought to you by Rise Doughnuts, in Wilton, Connecticut—makers of small-batch, handcrafted doughnuts so good, they’ll make you forgive 2023.

LANE: They’re warm. They’re beautiful. They sell out faster than toilet paper in March 2020.

DAVE: Follow @risedoughnut, line up early, and don’t look back. Because if you’re going to eat your feelings, you might as well do it right.

🪦 1945: Goebbels Commits Suicide

LANE: Back to the bunker. In 1945, Joseph Goebbels, Hitler’s propaganda minister, took his own life after realizing that “history’s worst hype man” was not a great long-term career plan.

DAVE: Fun fact: he lasted one day longer than Hitler. Which is not something you want on your résumé.

🍍 1999: SpongeBob SquarePants Debuts

DAVE: In 1999, SpongeBob SquarePants premiered. A sponge who lives in a pineapple and works in fast food.

LANE: Which sounds insane—until you realize this show has outlasted five U.S. presidents and still makes more sense than most government policy.

🎯 2011: Death of Osama Bin Laden Announced

LANE: In 2011, President Obama announced the death of Osama bin Laden, ending a nearly 10-year manhunt.

DAVE: It was swift, secret, and shockingly bipartisan. A rare moment when the U.S. got it right—and Twitter somehow didn’t crash.

❄️ 1978: Naomi Uemura Reaches North Pole Solo

DAVE: In 1978, Japanese explorer Naomi Uemura became the first person to reach the North Pole alone.

LANE: Which is impressive. I won’t even go to IKEA alone without texting someone my "If I disappear in the rug section, avenge me" message.

👑 2023: Coronation Date Set for King Charles III

LANE: And finally, in 2023, the official coronation date was set for King Charles III—who waited 70 years for the top job.

DAVE: He spent decades preparing to be king and still somehow seems deeply surprised every time someone hands him a crown.

LANE: Let’s just say: when your mom reigns longer than most empires, you age into the role.

🎙️ CLOSING LINE

LANE: So that was May 1—an absolutely stacked day of empires, email spam, labor rights, cartoon royalty, and a man with square pants and a full-time job.

DAVE: We’ll see you tomorrow, when history continues to disappoint and delight in equal measure.

LANE: Until then, stay informed…

DAVE: …stay irrationally angry about cereal names…

BOTH: …and stay historical.

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- Good day and welcome back to Touring History, the only show where we recap humanity's greatest hits and even more of its total misses. I'm Lane. - And I'm Dave. It's April 30th. And if you like presidential drama, which there tends to be a lot of these days, awkward land deals, tech breakthroughs and charming bunker endings. Oh boy, do we have a show for you. - But first, birthdays. First up, happy birthday to Carl Friedrich Gauss, born 1777, mathematician, genius, and the reason you failed calculus. Ah, good old Carl. Also born today, Queen Juliana of the Netherlands, who reigned from 1948 to 1980, and somehow kept her cold despite living through both World Wars and disco. And in 1982, we got Kirsten Once, Spider -Man's MJ, interview with the vampire's child vampire, and the only person who has chemistry with both Toby McGuire and the cursed fountain. But first, back to the 18th century. On this day in 1789, George Washington, the famous wooden tooth player, became the first U .S. president. Fun fact, he won unanimously. How about that? Because there were no political parties, no Twitter, and no Florida recount, Chad. - It was so popular he could have run unopposed by a bald ego holding a cheeseburger and still won by a landslide. Moving forward to 1803, the U .S. bought Louisiana from France for $15 million, which is like buying half of America for the price of a Manhattan studio "Ah, you can't have it. We are not interested." "Yeah, we paid about four cents an acre, which proved once again, France is great at pastries. Terrible at real estate." In 1945, Hitler commits suicide, and, well, he died by suicide in his Berlin bunker, finally fulfilling his dream of being underground and unpopular. "Hmm, That's like me when I play golf two shots in a bunker. Oh Nice nice nice He died alongside his wife of one day and a brawn because even in death Hitler managed to make bad relationship decisions Yes, it's the end of the war. I think I'll ask you to marry me Yes, I know you very long we'll do it now We've done everything we can do now. Let's go. Now to the messy stuff. So before the 1973 lane, glad you asked, Dave, in 1973 top Nixon AIDS, Haldeman and Ehrlichman resigned over the Watergate scandal. Yeah, it was the political version of you can't fire me. I quit. Except with more wiretaps and less dignity. Nixon would later resign to proving that, yes, even In the 70s, accountability was possible, just incredibly reluctant. Yeah, it took a while. Well, in 1993, CERN released the World Wide Web into the public domain, and just like that, the internet was born and then immediately misused for cat videos and conspiracy theories. So thanks, CERN, we got access to all human knowledge and decided to spend it looking at memes of Shrek. Yes, it gave new light to the infamous algorithm. Ah, in 1967, the first radio ad for Rolling Stone magazine aired, which, like the magazine, was edgy, iconic, and deeply committed to reminding you that you weren't cool enough. Yeah, man, you weren't. And honestly, you still aren't. That's right. And in 2017, Heineken released its "Worlds Apart" ad, where people with opposing views built IKEA furniture together and discovered they had feelings. It was heartwarming. It was human. It was peak 2017 and somehow still less manipulative than every Pepsi ad from that decade. And speaking of ads, let's talk about today's sponsor. Today's episode is fueled by Rise Donuts in Wilton, Connecticut. Small batch handmade and, unlike the Louisiana Purchase, absolutely worth the price. - That's right, absolutely. These donuts are so good. I'd sell half the continental US to get one. Sorry, Montana, it's been real. - Follow @RiseDonut on Instagram, show up early, and bring a friend, or don't. - More donuts for you. - More donuts for me, Rise Donuts, because sometimes the only thing history gets right is breakfast. So, Back to our show in 1900. Oh, I became a U .S. territory officially joining the Empire of pineapple and poor pronunciation It would take 59 more years to become a state because you know democracy, but slow. That's right colonization is too 1939 Lang well in 1939 on this day Dave NBC aired the first major TV broadcast in the U .S. featuring a speech at the World's Fair, which means we've been interrupting important moments with static and awkward ad breaks for exactly 85 years. Good times. So, back to 1948, the Land Rover was unveiled today at the Amsterdam Auto Show in 1948. It was rugged, boxy, and designed to survive the apocalypse, or your dad's midlife crisis. It's the car that says, "I want to go off -roading, but I also want espresso." And I probably won't go off -roading. I still look good, though. In 1975, Saigon fell, making the official end of the Vietnam War. Ooh, and with that, America closed one of its darkest chapters. For now. Until, of course, the next one. Spoiler alert, there will be many. - In 2018, was there one then? - Yeah, of course. The Armenian prime minister resigns. Who doesn't remember that? Gosh. - It was a peaceful-- - After weeks of mass protests, who wouldn't remember that either? - Huh? It was a peaceful transfer of power, proving once again that when people show up, leaders step down. - Perhaps, unless it's Florida, then they just run again. (laughs) So that's April 30th, a day of presidents, dictators, pop culture, coups and carbs. Just join us tomorrow where the past gets even messier, and we keep pretending we're qualified to explain it. Until then, stay curious, stay caffeinated, and stay historical. Bye everybody! See ya!

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Welcome to Touring History of the Only podcast where we revisit major historical moments with the enthusiasm of a sleep -deprived Wikipedia editor. I'm Lane. - And I'm Dave. It's April 29th, and today's timeline has everything. Saint and armor, a dictator in a tox, riots in the streets, and a bear selling soda. So, buckle up folks, we're ready. - Let's start with birthdays. Born today in 1899, Duke Ellington, one of the greatest jazz musicians of all time. If cool had a soundtrack, he composed it. That's right, Duke Ellington. Also born Emperor Hirohito, the Emperor of Japan during World War II, and famous Mickey Mouse -wearing watch wearer. He reigned for 62 years and never once got cancelled, which is impressive considering, Well, you know everything and born in 1958 Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman proof that Catwoman can carry a whip and still seal your heart. Oh, that's right Tony Montana's girlfriend. She was fabulous Let's start with a bang literally in 1429 John of Arc led French troops to victory at the Siege of Orleans Beans she Oh, dear. That was a hot one. Yes. She was 17. 17? I was still figuring out deodorant, and she was liberating cities in full armor. I still haven't figured it out. Divinely inspired and criminally underrated on the AP History Test. Yes. Speaking of history in 1945, on this day, Adolf They're married Eva Braun, inside a bunker, surrounded by crumbling walls in just hours before they both died. Wow, hell of a honeymoon. Honestly, it's the most German wedding ever. Bleak, efficient, and nobody danced. On to 1975, only 30 years later. Oh, that's right. In 1975, the US began evacuating Saigon, Officially marking the end of the Vietnam War and our bunker moment. It was chaos, helicopters on rooftops, desperation in the air. Something's never changed, Lane. I know. And somehow, we still managed to frame it as a strategic exit. That's right. Sure, like I strategically exited that freshman chemistry final. Ho ho ho ho ho. And that was right around the time of 1992. On this day in 1992, the Rodney King verdict was announced. The officers were acquitted and Los Angeles erupted into five days of riots. Can't we all just get along? I guess not. Thousands injured, billions in damage, and once again America learned that justice is often delayed if it shows up at all. And yet we still ask, why are people so angry? Spoiler, this. This is why. This is why. Well, something a little cheerier, 2011, Prince William and married Kate Middleton in a wedding that cost millions, millions and made zero policy changes. Two billion people watched it, only two were actually invited. And one of them was Elton John, because of course he was. They got married on two days, I thought they got married yesterday. Well with the time zone change, it's split Split. That's right. I forgot about the international date line. That's right. 1985 Coca -Cola aired its first ever polar bear ad. Doc. It was adorable, oddly emotional and raised the bar for animal actors worldwide. Or those bears look chill. But I guarantee they were jacked up on syrupy product placement. And speaking of ads in 2010, Dave? - Yes, the old spice, the man your man could smell like. Add one everything. It featured a towel -wrapped man, a horse, diamonds, and zero logic. - It was the Shakespeare of body wash commercials. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now realize how low the bar is. - Why don't you look like that? And now let's talk about today's sponsor today's episode is powered by Rise Donuts the pride of Wilton, Connecticut Small batch made fresh and better than most things that happened in 1945. That's right. You've got brown butter You've got strawberry glaze you've got donuts that make your therapist say Maybe we could just lean into the carbs. Hmm. Rise isn't just a bakery. It's redemption with frosting Oh, it certainly is Lane is Lane. Follow @RiseDoughnut and plan your pilgrimage. And yes, bring a box and a backup box and maybe another box. Rise doughnuts because some days history sucks, but your breakfast doesn't have to. That's right. Now, back to the show. Dave, I don't know how to pronounce this. Is it Roger? It's the Sorens? It's Roger. It's Roger. Okay. Back to the facts today. Or it could be Rodgets if you're in Chicago. I don't know. Rogues. Rogues. That's right. Back to the facts. Today in 1852, Roges the Sorus was published, or as I like to call it, a compendium lexicon reference catalog or vocabulary tome. Is that what you call it? I didn't know that. Big day for people who hate repeating themselves, or for people who hate repeating themselves, who loathe, despise, detest, and abhor it. How do you like that? That's right. You know who hated that? Willie Nelson. Willie Nelson hated that. That's right. Country music legend Willie Nelson was born in 1933. Still smoking dope. He's 92. Still tours. And somehow looks younger than Jay Leno. And a smaller chin. At this point, we're not sure if Willie Nelson is human or a renewable energy source. Wow. That's interesting. In 1946, the Tokyo War Crimes Tribunal began. 28 Japanese leaders were tried for crimes against humanity in the wake of World War II. Think of it as the sequel to Nuremberg. Except this time, it's personal. That's right. Somewhat related. In 2004, Dave. Well, the World War II Memorial opened in Washington, D .C. A long overdue tribute to the greatest generation who ironically had to wait decades for their own monument. >> It's beautiful, dignified, and not a single part of it is a touchscreen ad. >> Wow, that's not gonna happen anymore. And finally, what happened in 2015? >> Well, in 2015 on this day, NASA's messenger spacecraft crashed into Mercury after 11 years in space. >> Who's driving that thing? Because after over a decade of collecting data it said you know what I'm done and face planted into a planet honestly same yeah so that was April 29th mutinies monarchs music legends meteor crashes and one very handsome deodorant commercial why thank you thanks for listening to touring history come back tomorrow where the mistakes are new but the snark stays absolutely the same. Until then, stay curious, and fragrant, and stay historical. Hysterical? Hysterical! Hysterically historical. Bye everybody! See ya!

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Welcome to Touring History, the podcast where every day is a history lesson and every lesson ends in existential dread. I'm Lane. And I'm Dave, existential dread. Today is April 28th, which means we're talking war, space tourists, controversial ad campaigns, and one very, very famous mutiny. First, it's 1958 James Monroe fifth US president and owner of the Monroe Doctrine, which basically said Europe stay in your lane That's right. Don't come back born in 1926 Harper Lee famed author of to kill a mockingbird Ooboo Radley which inspired millions of people to love justice and never read another book again And in 1950 Jay Leno a man with a chin so prominent, it has its own area code. - Oh yeah, that is a big piece of machinery there. Hey, on this day in 1789, crew members aboard the HMS Bounty said, nah, we're good, or ah, nah, we're good. And mutinyed against their captain, Bly. - They didn't want to go back to England, and honestly, same. - Yeah, they said Captain Bly adrift in a lifeboat. And somehow that SOB survived because in the 1700s people were either dead by 30 or built like cockroaches. Ha! You're never gonna survive in your scurvy lace pool! Speaking of overthrowing leaders, on this day in 1945 Benito Mussolini was executed by Italian partisans just two days after being captured swift justice Italian style. Yeah, he should never have dressed up like a German soldier that did him in. You know what's bad when your own people say, "We, uh, rather have a pasta without the government than you with one." And then we move on to 1952. That's right, today in 1952, Japan officially regained full sovereignty after World War II. Wow, that took a while. Which was great news for Japan, and even better news for future generations of Nintendo consoles. Oh, next level, next level! of Nintendo consoles, and then to 1967. In 1967, Muhammad Ali refused to be drafted into the Vietnam War, citing religious beliefs and opposition to the conflict. He lost his boxing license But his heavyweight title, but kept his integrity, which, let's be honest, is worth way more than a belt. That's right. In 2001, Dennis Tito became the first -ever space tourist. He paid 20 million to ride a Russian rocket into orbit. He basically said, "What if I skip Disney World and just left the planet?" Yeah, like, how do you think that felt, paying that It back in 2001 just for like a 10 -minute ride above the planet. I don't know crazy I don't know. I would have started our hobbies. I would have started my own vodka brand. That's what I was Hey, you got golf I got orbit Earth dude top back And then 1986 some high school years for me Back on this day in 1986, McDonald's debuted its "You Deserve a Break Today" campaign. Right around the time people stopped asking if fast food should be emotionally validating. I wasn't that Barry Manilow who wrote the lyrics for that? I believe it was. And it's the only ad that says, "You worked hard. You earned this. Sodium. Come." Yes, and in 2013, - Dove released their real beauty sketches ad campaign. Well, yeah, it went viral for telling women that they were more beautiful than they thought. And making every man from watching think, wait, am I the problem? - Yes. - Yes. - Yes, you are. But now we have to take a break and talk about our sponsor of the day. So it is brought to you by Rise Donuts in Wilton, Connecticut. You don't just eat a Rise Donut. You contemplate your life while doing it. They're soft. They're glossy. Ooh, and they're borderline illegal in four countries. They rotate flavors like it's a tasting menu from heaven. And let's be honest, there's no better way to process Mussolini's execution than with a lemon -glazed brioche. That's right. Strung up a piano wire? at Ry's Donut on Instagram and go early. Lines form fast, regret forms faster. - Ry's Donuts, the most delicious reason to believe in time travel. - Well, back to our show. - Back to the headlines in 1923, Wembley Stadium officially opened in London. - It was meant to hold 125 ,000 people. Hey, 300 ,000 showed up, which is Also, I would describe my birthday party in rights. - Oh, yes. - Who are you? - Where's mine, Dave? Why didn't I get one? - Oh, you were 300 ,000 at one. - Oh, thanks, I almost made the cut, that's good. What about 1965, Dave? - Well, again, the US sent Marines to another country, the Dominican Republic during a civil war, claiming they were just there to protect American lives. - All 40 ,000 of them. - Because nothing says stability, like parachuting into someone else's revolution. - Yeah, hey, we're just coming to get our citizens. We'll leave another 10 years, okay? - So more military action in 1978. Today in 1978, Afghanistan's communist coup began. It led to Soviet occupation, US intervention, the rise of the Taliban, basically the ultimate butterfly effect of bad decisions. Yes, and we're still feeling it. Well, in 1994, oh, Richard Nixon was buried with full military honors. Wow. Because in America, we forgive everything if you die quietly and wear a flag. That's right. Well, what happened in 2019, Lane? Oh, well, that's not that long ago in on this day in 2019 It seems like yesterday Avengers Endgame shattered global box office records. That's right It made 2 .8 billion dollars Killed off half the cast and somehow got everyone to forgive that time travel plot line It also proved one thing if you give people 10 years of backstory in a talking raccoon They will show up show up. That's absolutely right. So that's April 28 mutinies popes draft Dodgers doughnuts and Iron Man's last stand Yeah, so we'll see you tomorrow with more chaos more comedy and probably another fast -food ad pretending to love you Until then stay curious and remember if someone offers you a one -way trip to space Ask how much leg room and How much is it gonna cost first? - That's right. Bye everybody. - See ya tomorrow.

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- Welcome back to Touring History, the only show that asks what happened today and then says, oh, wow, that's dark. I'm Lane. - Hey, and I'm Dave. Today is April 27th, and we've got steamboat explosions, papal promotions, royalty and, that's right, the Energizer Bunny. So yeah, basically a normal Tuesday in history. - Let's start off with our birthday roll calls. - Born today in 1822, you Lissie's S. Grant, Civil War hero and US president who proved that yes, you can win a war, drink constantly, and still get on the $50 bill. - That's right. Also born today is Coretta Scott King, civil rights icon and keeper of the legacy. She made sure people didn't just quote MLK on Instagram, but actually remembered what he stood for. - And born in 1988 Lizzo proof that talent confidence and a flute can take you all the way to the Met Gala Oh, what'd you do with the flute? Huh? I guess she's 100 % that birthday Yes, absolutely. So let's start off our historical events in 1865 on this day in 1865 the steamboat Sultana exploded on the Mississippi River Killing than 1 ,800 people, the deadliest maritime disaster in U .S. history. It was overcrowded with Civil War POWs being sent home, and then boom, literal explosion, figurative footnote. Yeah, oof, filled with ports see the war POWs. I wonder which side they were on. Anyway, today in 1945, Benito Mussolini was captured by Italian partisans while trying to flee disguised as a, wait for it, German soldier. Oh, that's right. He shaved war helmet and hoped no one would recognize him. Spoiler, they did. Let's say The final appearance was less than fascistic chic. (laughs) - In 1961, Mussolini, I always liked that name. It sounds like a great pasta, doesn't it? I'll have the Mussolini. Mussolini arbiata. - Aldente, por favor. - Maybe just keep it as a pasta, not as a dictator. - Yeah, that's better. - 1961, Sierra Leone gained independence from the UK, and in true British Empire fashion, Britain left with half the gold and none of the guilt. Oh yeah. Hey, we're leaving. Hold on, we gotta load up our ships. Happy Independence Day Sierra Leone. Sorry about the colonizers. And now on to 2005, Dave. Well, there's a big thing that came out. The Airbus A380, the world's largest passenger jet, made its first flight today in 2005. It can carry over 800 people, which is also the number of times you say "excuse me" trying to get to the bathroom and economy. Yeah, that's quite a tub that flies around. It makes it so big it makes other planes look like uber pools. So what happened in 2014, Lane? Oh yeah, thanks for asking Dave. On this day in 2014, we had Pope John Paul the second and Pope John Paul the 23rd, both canonized in the same ceremony. That's two popes, one St. Hood, and zero punch cards required. - You're very good at doing those Roman numerals. I just would have said Pope John XX triple three. The Vatican hasn't done a two for one special like that since the last supper. - Oh, yes. Coming off Easter weekend. - What happened then? Oh, I know, the Energizer Bunny debuted. And he's still going, banging that drum. - He's outlived seven ad agencies, four marriages, and all of Radio Shack. - Yeah, just once I'd like to get him tired. Maybe sit down, reflect on life, you rabbit. - Nope, just keeps going. Like your aunt's story about her kitchen remodel. - Oh, The never -ending story about the avocado being replaced with white and stainless steel. I know Aunt Jane. It's enough What happened to know 2016? Hey, here was a big day for breakfast lovers McDonald's launched all -day breakfast today in 2016 and changed Lazy brunch culture forever. It was like the moon landing for stoners. That's right, man I've got the munchies And now for another word from our sponsor, speaking of dreams, today's show is brought to you by Rise Donuts in Wilton, Connecticut, where donuts aren't just food, they're emotional support. That's right, their handmade small batch baked with care glazed with ambition much like our president. These donuts are so good they could canonize a third a third pope! Follow them on instagram at rise donut that's at r -i -s -e -d -o -u -g -h -n -u -t nut. Then go stand in line, contemplate your life choices and order one of Amazing. That's Rise Donuts, because history is full of suffering, and you deserve frosting. That's right. Now back to, uh, this day in history. Back to the show. 1521, Ferdinand Magellan was killed in the Philippines during a battle with local warriors. Wait! We come in peace! And do you have any gold? He circumnavigated the globe, almost. Turns out machetes don't care about your sea maps. That's right. He died mid expedition. You know, that's like quitting marathon at mile 25 because somebody stabbed you and hatched you out. That's right. A little more recent in 1937, the first social security payments were issued to the U .S. And just like that, America got its first taste of government sponsored. Please don't die yet money. Yeah, yeah. And there was one person that really got the payday of a lifetime. Shout out to Ida Mae Fuller, the first recipient who paid in $24 and got out, hold it, $22 ,000. That's the most gangsta return on investment in history. That's amazing. That is amazing. Well, in 1983, the longest lasting solar eclipse of the modern era occurred. That's right. It lasted seven minutes and 12 seconds, which is longer than most people's New Year's resolutions It's longer than a lot of people's things But don't worry if you missed it just stand outside in August and pretend your neighbor's landscaping blocked the Sun Oh, I can't take it Don't take your hand away In 2011 on this day Prince William married Kate Middleton in a wedding. So lavish, it temporarily made people forget the Royal Family's colonial resume. - That's right. It was watched by two billion people and exactly four of them cared about the groom. - Say what you want. Kate's dress did more for lace than 400 years of doilies. - Oh, hey, you know, in 2020, the US surpassed 1 million COVID -19 cases. Yikes. Officially marking the moment we realized two weeks of flat in the curve was actually a lifestyle Mask shortages zoom birthdays banana bread. We tried it all and somehow Dave still caught it twice Brutal that's what I get for trusting my immune system and licking an escalator ouch So that's April 27th steamboats exploded popes ascended and McGriddles became a 24 -hour reality Aw, grimace, eating breakfast all day long. We'll see you tomorrow where history gets weirder, pop culture gets dumber, and someone else probably gets canonized, not me. Until then, stay curious. And if you see the Energizer Bunny, just let him go. He's got demons. Bye, everybody.

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Hello and welcome back to Touring History, the only show where we time travel with zero supervision and even less emotional maturity. I'm Lane, and I'm the other emotional one. I'm Dave, and today is April 26th, which in history terms is what you'd call absolutely insane. We've got war crimes, nuclear meltdowns, groundbreaking elections, and a in camel who just wants to know what day it is. Clu -clu -clu. - But first birthdays, born on today in 121 CE, Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor and philosopher who basically invented journaling your way through a mental health crisis. - Yeah, Aurelius, I think, I hate to correct you, but he's the reason your ass quotes, "Meditations" while actively ignoring your PTO request. Also born, John James Audubon, who painted birds and inspired all the weird kids in high school to suddenly care deeply about swamps. Swamps. Yes, and Carol Burnett, born in 1933, but she doesn't want that coming out. Comedian, trailblazer, and the only person who ever made a curtain rod funny. Remember that one? Oh yes. The shoulder pads. It was the Longest sustained laugh by an audience in television history. I just saw it in the window and I had to have it. 1937, the Guernica bombing. Today in 1937, the German Luftwaffe bombed Guernica Spain, one of the first aerial attacks on civilians in modern warfare. Not to be confused with Putin's daily aggression in Ukraine. - Yes, it was a brutal moment that shocked the world, inspired Picasso's most famous painting, and made it clear that airstrikes were about to become everyone's problem. - Yeah, so tough day to be a bask. What happened in 1962, Lane? - Well, that's when NASA's Ranger 4 crashes on the moon. In 1962-- - I got this, I got this! - In 1962 NASA's Ranger 4 spacecraft became the first American object to reach the moon by crashing directly into it. Wait a minute, this thing doesn't have a pernundle. Where's reverse? It was supposed to take pictures instead. It face -planted into the sea of tranquility. Hmm, not very tranquil. Like a drunk uncle at a wedding. I love you! Oh, come here. You know you - Oh, you love me too. - Because, I'm sorry, but it was a milestone because in space, even failure counts as progress, also known as the Musk Doctrine. - Musk Doctrine. 1986, Chernobyl reactor number four exploded, causing the worst nuclear disaster in history that didn't involve Godzilla. - It released radiation across Europe and taught us three important lessons. One, nuclear power is dangerous. Two, Soviet PR is worse. Double duh. Three, HBO miniseries slap. Oh, that was so good. Skarsgard was amazing. Anyway, 1994, what happened there? Oh, well, that's South Africa's first multiracial elections. On a brighter note, today in 1994, South Africa its first multi -racial elections, ending apartheid and electing Nelson Mandela as president. I think that's when Elon left, wasn't it? Oh! A true milestone. Mandela spent 27 years in prison. Ah, poor guy. Then came out, forgave everyone, and somehow still had more charisma than every politician alive today. Now that is amazing. He's the only person in history who could go from inmate to icon without dropping a SoundCloud diss track. Oh, 2005, Syria, after 29 years, finally withdrew its military from Lebanon. Up we're leaving, gotta get some more PETA, ending a controversial and unwanted occupation. You know it's bad when your country leaves and literally no one throws a going away party. What? They're gone? They were here just a minute ago. They left all their crap. Anyway, what happened in 1984, Lane? Oh, well, Apple airs 1984. Yes. On April 26th, Apple re -aird its famous 1984 ad. You know, the one where a woman smashes a giant screen to symbolically destroy IBM? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they actually got real skinheads in London to do that ad where she throws the giant hammer into the screen. Well, or as Gen Z calls it, what's IBM? - The ad was supposed to warn us about dystopian tech. Instead, it predicted Apple's entire business model with scary accuracy. - That's right, their iPhone's falling out of everybody's pocket, but nobody noticed. And in 2010, Oh, what day is it, Lane? Oh, yes. That's right. In 2010, Geico unleashed the hump day camel ad, featuring an overexcited camel in a diaper office, yelling, "What day is it?" It instantly became a meme, a ringtone, and a mild HR violation. That's right, that camel had more raw energy than the 2010 Charlie Sheen, and possibly the same diet. - Skeletor. - Now back to our Rise Donuts plant. - Sponsor of the day, that's right. Now word from today's sponsor, Rise Donuts in Wilton, Connecticut. - That's right, because if you've never had one, imagine if Joy was edible deep fried and filled with lemon curd. Maybe not lemon curd. - Rise makes small batch handcrafted donuts that are basically what happens when angels learn pastry arts. Oh, it looks so pretty. Their doughnuts are so good. I once saw a grown man cry into a hibiscus glaze, and that man, that's right, was me. Flavors rotate, the quality never does. Follow them on Instagram @RiseDoughnut @RiseRiseDoughnutD -O -U -G -H -N -U -T to plan your next pilgrimage. I thought doughnut was spelled D -O -N -U -T. I know, that's why I'm spilling it out, Dave. Thank you. That's rise doughnuts because history is full of pain, but you deserve a doughnut. What happened in 1514, Lane? That was a long time ago. It seems like yesterday. In 1514, Nicholas Copernicus recorded his first observation of Saturn laying the groundwork for a heliocentric model of the solar system. Oh, that fling's got rings. Look, honey. That's right. He looked at Saturn and said, oh, boy, maybe Earth is in the center of everything. What the heck is that? A realization Dave has yet to have. That's me. Listen, I'm still processing Pluto. Okay. Okay. Well, listen, let's get to 1954. Let's do that. That one. That last one was not great. And So, you know, this is something that RFK Junior doesn't want to talk about. Oh, my vaccine. The U .S. launched its mass polio vaccine trial today in 1954, eventually wiping out a disease unlike measles that used to paralyze thousands of kids a year. Hey, let's bring back an iron lung. There's so much fun to lie in. It was a scientific triumph. and yes, people lined up for it gratefully because they didn't get their medical advice from TikTok comments or our head of healthcare. - That's right. And it was given away for free. - It was, you could say it was, it was given away for a measly price for free. - Oh God, watch out. I feel some hooping cough coming up. - Uh -oh, Uh -oh. That's right. What happened in 1989, Lane? Well, a devastating tornado struck Bangladesh in 1989. Oh my gosh, that poor country. Yes, again. Killing over 1 ,300 people, making it the deadliest tornado in recorded history. Well, this is your reminder that climate doesn't care what day it is or how good your umbrella is. That's right. Even if it's 2002, what happened then, Dave? Well, this funny little FBI agent named Robert Hanson was sentenced to life in prison for spying for the Russians for over 20 years. Geez, how'd they not notice that? Where you going? Oh, just to drop a package. I mean, just to get a pack of cigarettes. I'm going up to rice donuts. Yes, I'm going to hide something in their curd. He gave up secrets, exposed agents, and was paid mostly in cash and diamonds and proving that proving that bomb villains do exist, but they shop at Costco. Oh, it's a. Well, you know, here's something that happened in 2021 that nobody really wants to talk about. Can you just. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's SpaceX. You know, we're back to the Musk doctrine. Yeah. Successfully landed its starship prototype for the first time without exploding. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, it came back, oh, that's only number 920. - Which for Elon Musk is called personal growth. - The rocket landed safely, the stock price immediately took off and no one remembered the previous six times it exploded like a Michael Bay outtake. - That's right, so in closing, that was April 26th. Ladies and gentlemen, a day of cosmic breakthroughs, corrupt agents, camels and cubicles, and catastrophes, nuclear, natural, and NASA made. A lot of alliteration in that line, Lane. That's right. We'll be back tomorrow with another "Tour Through Time" because history never sleeps, and neither does Dave's Instagram scroll. That's right. Check it out, ladies and gentlemen. Until then, eat a donut, wear sunscreen, and maybe don't build a nuclear reactor with parts and radio Shack or as we like to say rapial shack until then bye see ya

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Hello, and welcome to Touring History, the only historical recap show where we mind humanity's worst decisions for your entertainment. I'm Lane. - And I'm Dave. And if you're enjoying this on the toilet, well, congratulations. You're smarter than the Ottoman Empire. So, let's begin. - On this day in 1800, the Library of Congress was founded. It now holds over 170 million items, including books, maps, photos, and Unfortunately, several Nicholas Sparks novels. - Ooh, I don't think he had a library card. Which, to be fair, are the only books in the collection that come pre -moicent. - I'm crying. - Thomas Jefferson sold them his entire personal library to restart it after a fire, which, ironically, is also how Dave paid off his bar tab in college. - That's right. Even though Jefferson only had four books to give them. It was incredible that I had none. They didn't even take books. They took kidney function on birthdays. That's right. We have to mention birthdays. So happy birthday to Pulitzer Prize winner writer Robert Penn Warren, the only man to win for both poetry and fiction. Because why just dominate one genre when you can ruin the curve for everyone? Yeah, he was up for fiction, but only because his poetry was fiction. Also born today, Barbara Streisand, icon, egot winner. What is that again? Oh yes, Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, toenails. And the only person who sneezes has its own key signature. It's untight. - And shout out to Kelly Clarkson, born in 1982, America's first idol, and the only woman strong enough to survive from Justin to Kelly. - And relentless Wayfair advertiser. Hey, it was either her or Clay Aiken, right? And let's be honest, Clay wouldn't have made it past 2007. - On to American genocide. - Oh no, that's the Armenian genocide. - Oh! - The American genocide is presently taking place. - Sorry, Trumpian slip. Today It's the anniversary of the Armenian Genocide when the Ottoman Empire began the mass killing of 1 .5 million Armenians. Those autos, they were everywhere. A horrifying, deliberate campaign of ethnic cleansing that many countries still won't call a genocide. Oh no, it's not that. Oh, it has to be 18 million before we call it that. Because acknowledging history is apparently harder than saying, "Sorry, boo, At Thanksgiving, can you pass the peas? It's one of the worst crimes of the 20th century, and yet it gets less pressed than a new season of "Selling Sunset." Oh, I love that show. Do you want it to be $17 million or $20 million? To be fair, those realtors are monsters, though. On to 1980, the failed U .S. rescue mission in Iran. In 1980, the U .S. attempted to rescue hostages in Iran with Operation Eagle Claw. How do they come up with these names? They go around a table. Let's call it Operation Toothpaste Still in the Tube. Now we use that one last week. It ended in disaster when a sandstorm and poor planning led to the deaths of eight servicemen, unfortunately. It was like Ocean's Eleven if the heist ended with the Bellagio on fire and George Clooney crying in a helicopter. Ah, she's always there crying, either in a helicopter or in a golf cart. What's his deal? Also known as Oceans 12. In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope launched. Oh, the world's largest peeping Tom. Yes. In 1990, NASA launched the Hubble Space Telescope with a broken mirror. Oops. Haha. How many bad years of luck would that give you? So yes, we spent 1 my billion to send a blurry camera into space. - Eventually it was fixed and began showing us galaxies billions of light years away. - Hey, how'd you like to be the guy that had to go up there and actually repair it? Well, I need a Fetzer valve and a claw hammer. I think we're good. That's right, which we use mostly to make iPhone wallpapers. - In 2013, - The Rana Plaza, am I saying Rana, right? Is it Reina, Rana? - You say potato, I say Reina, go ahead. - The Rana Plaza garment factory collapsed, killing 1 ,134 workers. It was a horrifying reminder of how cheap clothes often come at a high cost. - Ouch, so the next time you buy a $4 tank top online, just ask yourself, is this worth someone else's life? And if the answer is yes, Congratulations! You qualify for Amazon Prime! Commercials included! Well, in 1971, FedEx is founded. Uh, Wilson! Wilson! It was founded today in 1971, and they've been expertly losing your packages ever since. Their slogan was originally "absolutely positively overnight until someone said, "What if it just lingers in Memphis for five days?" "Well, then it's absolutely positively in Memphis for five days. Seriously, every FedEx package has to go through Memphis. Remember Elvis? He was always going through Memphis." In 1988, Dose Eckes debuted the most interesting man in the world campaign, giving us gems like he once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels. - Oh, those are great campaigns. This campaign made Doseki's cool, proving that a fake hemming way in a blazer could sell more beer than a Super Bowl ad featuring, well, monkeys. - And as always, he doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he makes me feel deeply inadequate. - Boy, that's for sure. And if you have a beard, you're cool again. He also once parallel parked a cruise ship and fixed the Hubble mirror with duct tape. He's the most amazing man. All right, sick around. We'll be right back after this message from our sponsor, which unfortunately is neither interesting nor well -dressed. That's right. Tonight's show is brought to you by the world's longest putt. Yes, that's a real thing. Not a metaphor, not a crypto scam, an actual physical golf putt. It's amazing. That's right. You, a regular human with barely enough core strength to stand upright in a Trader Joe's checkout line, can now attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the longest putt ever made, and win a million bucks. All you have to do is sink a 401 -foot putt. That's four football fields. Or, if you're bad at sports analogies, approximately one emotional distance from your father. Ha ha Haha, it's the dumbest thing I've ever wanted to succeed at, but you could actually become rich, not by investing in stocks or inventing an app, or working for Doge, but by gently rolling a ball really far on purpose. This isn't mini golf. There's no windmill, no clown mouth, just you, a putter, and the crushing weight of physics. Well, I'm sure there are a few clown mouths out there, But you go to worldslongestputt .com and register for a chance to make sports history and Possibly pull your hamstring in front of a cheering crowd Because some people are born great some achieve greatness and some putt their way there Oh, that'll be on my headstone worlds longest putt come for the million dollars Stay because you overshot the hole by three hundred and seventy 375 feet. Now back to the show. That's right. Ah, yes. 1184 BCE, the fall of Troy. Also known as the most overhyped gift opening in history. Did that have anything to do with Helen? Or should we bring this giant wooden horse left by our sworn enemies? Ah, sure. What could go wrong? Bring it in it's a good reminder that if something seems too good to be true. It probably has 40 Greeks in it Oh, I've been to that diner. It's fantastic Well in 1907 Hershey Park opened Milton Hershey Famed chocolate man opened Hershey Park in Pennsylvania today, which was like Disneyland if Mickey was filled with Nougat hmm Oh, originally meant as a leisure park for his chocolate factory workers, because what says labor rights like a roller coaster called the Coco Cruiser? Or being dipped in a vat of chocolate, just for fun! On 1967, Soviet cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov tragically died today when his space capsule crashed during re -entry. with the coming in hot way too hot and he knew the spacecraft was faulty before launch but since it was the Soviet era he's still fluid because apparently in Soviet Russia you know cancel missions missions cancel you he was a hero yes he was a tragic flaming physics defying hero that's for sure Well in 2004 the US lifted sanctions in Libya. That's right 2004 saw the US lift economic sanctions in Libya because nothing says Igawns like a handshake with a guy who once kept a tent at the UN Where's the white part of my camel? Hmm. It's not forgiveness. It's just oil. That's right In 2000 ever you won as long as I can fill up my Tesla. Oh, wait a minute. That's the wrong car. I bought my Tesla before he low and crazy Thanks for the bumper sticker. You bet 2018 Bill Cosby was convicted of sexual assault and a no denial lawsuits and putting pop commercials. Oh gosh Mmm, I just don't know what to say the sentence was three to ten years and the vibe was oh not nearly enough doctor - That was justice -ish. - Ish, yes. Well, so we have come to the closing of April 24th. I'm sure there's more stuff out there, but we don't have enough gas in our tank to do it all. So that was April 24th, a day of genocide, galaxies, Garmin collapses, and a guy who really is into Dosekis, and a comedian who we all love that turned into a monster so Lane we'll see you tomorrow where history will again remind us that humanity is basically just one long season of white lotus gorgeous views terrible people and someone always ends up dead that's right so good night and remember don't open the giant wooden horse

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Touring History

April 24th, 2025

LANE: Hello, and welcome to Touring History —the only historical recap show where we mine humanity’s worst decisions… for your entertainment. I’m Lane.

DAVE: And I’m Dave. And if you’re enjoying this on the toilet, congratulations—you’re smarter than the Ottoman Empire. Let’s begin.

📚 1800: The Library of Congress is founded

LANE: On this day in 1800, the Library of Congress was founded. It now holds over 170 million items, including books, maps, photos, and, unfortunately, several Nicholas Sparks novels.

DAVE: Which, to be fair, are the only books in the collection that come pre-moistened from crying.

LANE: Thomas Jefferson sold them his entire personal library to restart it after a fire—which, ironically, is also how Dave paid off his bar tab in college.

DAVE: They didn’t take books. They took kidney function.

🎤 Birthday Roll Call

DAVE: Happy birthday to Pulitzer-winning writer Robert Penn Warren, the only man to win for both poetry and fiction.

LANE: Because why just dominate one genre when you can ruin the curve for everyone?

DAVE: Also born today: Barbra Streisand, icon, EGOT-winner, and the only person whose sneeze has its own key signature.

LANE: And shoutout to Kelly Clarkson, born in 1982—America’s first Idol and the only woman strong enough to survive From Justin to Kelly.

DAVE: Hey, it was either her or Clay Aiken. And let’s be honest: Clay wouldn’t have made it past 2007.

🩸 1915: Armenian Genocide Begins

LANE: Today marks the anniversary of the Armenian Genocide, when the Ottoman Empire began the mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians.

DAVE: A horrifying, deliberate campaign of ethnic cleansing that many countries still won’t call a genocide—because acknowledging history is apparently harder than saying “sorry” at Thanksgiving.

LANE: It’s one of the worst crimes of the 20th century, and yet it gets less press than a new season of Selling Sunset.

DAVE: To be fair, those realtors are monsters.

🚁 1980: Failed U.S. Rescue Mission in Iran

DAVE: In 1980, the U.S. attempted to rescue hostages in Iran with Operation Eagle Claw, which ended in disaster when a sandstorm and poor planning led to the deaths of eight servicemen.

LANE: It was like Ocean’s Eleven if the heist ended with the Bellagio on fire and George Clooney crying in a helicopter.

DAVE: Also known as Ocean’s Twelve.

🔭 1990: Hubble Space Telescope Launches

LANE: Today in 1990, NASA launched the Hubble Space Telescope… with a broken mirror.

DAVE: So yes, we spent $1.5 billion to send a blurry camera into space.

LANE: Eventually it was fixed and began showing us galaxies billions of light years away.

DAVE: Which we used mostly to make iPhone wallpapers.

🏭 2013: Rana Plaza Collapse in Bangladesh

LANE: In 2013, the Rana Plaza garment factory collapsed, killing 1,134 workers. It was a horrifying reminder of how cheap clothes often come at a high cost.

DAVE: So the next time you buy a $4 tank top online, ask yourself: “Is this worth someone else’s life?” And if the answer is “yes,” congratulations, you qualify for Amazon Prime.

📦 1971: FedEx is Founded

DAVE: FedEx was founded today in 1971, and they’ve been expertly losing your packages ever since.

LANE: Their slogan was originally “Absolutely, positively overnight”… until someone said, “What if it just lingers in Memphis for five days?”

DAVE: Seriously, every FedEx package has to go through Memphis, like it’s trying to find Elvis.

🧔 1998: “The Most Interesting Man in the World” Campaign Debuts

LANE: Dos Equis debuted “The Most Interesting Man in the World” campaign today in 1998, giving us gems like: “He once had an awkward moment... just to see how it feels.”

DAVE: This campaign made Dos Equis cool, proving that a fake Hemingway in a blazer could sell more beer than a Super Bowl ad featuring monkeys.

LANE: And, as always, he doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does… he makes me feel deeply inadequate.

DAVE: He also once parallel parked a cruise ship, and fixed the Hubble mirror with duct tape.

LANE: All right, stick around—we’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor. Which, unfortunately, is neither interesting nor well-dressed.

🎙️ [AD BREAK – Live Read: World’s Longest Putt]

LANE: Tonight’s show is brought to you by the World’s Longest Putt—yes, that’s a real thing. Not a metaphor. Not a crypto scam. An actual, physical, golf putt.

DAVE: That’s right. You, a regular human with barely enough core strength to stand upright in a Trader Joe’s checkout line, can now attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the longest putt ever made… and win $1 million dollars.

LANE: All you have to do is sink a 401-foot putt. That’s four football fields. Or, if you’re bad at sports analogies: approximately one emotional distance from your father.

DAVE: It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever wanted to succeed at. You could become rich not by investing in stocks or inventing an app, but by gently rolling a ball really far on purpose.

LANE: This isn’t mini golf. There’s no windmill. No clown mouth. Just you, a putter, and the crushing weight of physics.

DAVE: Go to worldslongestputt.com and register for a chance to make sports history—and possibly pull your hamstring in front of a cheering crowd.

LANE: Because some people are born great. Some achieve greatness. And some… putt their way there.

DAVE: World’s Longest Putt. Come for the million dollars. Stay because you overshot the hole by 375 feet.

🪖 1184 BCE: Fall of Troy (Traditional Date)

LANE: Ah yes, the fall of Troy—aka the most overhyped gift opening in history.

DAVE: “Should we bring in this giant wooden horse left by our sworn enemies?” “Sure, what could go wrong?”

LANE: It’s a good reminder that if something seems too good to be true... it probably has 40 Greeks in it.

🍫 1907: Hersheypark Opens

DAVE: Milton Hershey opened Hersheypark in Pennsylvania today, which was like Disneyland if Mickey was filled with nougat.

LANE: Originally meant as a leisure park for his chocolate factory workers—because what says “labor rights” like a rollercoaster called “The Cocoa Cruiser”?

☠️ 1967: Cosmonaut Komarov Dies in Space Accident

LANE: Soviet cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov tragically died today when his space capsule crashed during re-entry.

DAVE: And he knew the spacecraft was faulty before launch, but still flew it—because apparently in Soviet Russia, you don't cancel missions, missions cancel you.

LANE: He was a hero. A tragic, flaming, physics-defying hero.

📉 2004: U.S. Lifts Sanctions on Libya

DAVE: In 2004, the U.S. lifted economic sanctions on Libya. Because nothing says “bygones” like a handshake with a guy who once kept a tent at the UN.

LANE: It’s not forgiveness, it’s just... oil.

⚖️ 2018: Bill Cosby Convicted

LANE: Finally, in 2018, Bill Cosby was convicted of sexual assault, ending years of denial, lawsuits, and pudding pop commercials.

DAVE: The sentence was: 3 to 10 years. The vibe was: not nearly enough.

LANE: It was justice… ish.

🎙️ CLOSING LINE

DAVE: So that was April 24th—a day of genocide, galaxies, garment collapses, and a guy who’s really, really into Dos Equis.

LANE: We’ll see you tomorrow, where history will again remind us that humanity is basically just one long season of White Lotus—gorgeous views, terrible people, and someone always ends up dead.

DAVE: Good night, and remember: Don’t open the giant wooden horse.

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