True Crimes Against Wine

DEFENDANT: Frances Hodgson Burnett

EVIDENCE: Secret Garden Rose Gin

SCENE OF THE CRIME: The moors, darling, the moors!

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Hi — come sit with us while we get a little giddy and a lot floral. In this episode of True Crimes Against Wine we test a rosy Scottish gin called Secret Garden, riff on three garden-ready cocktails (a Rose Garden Spritz, a Strawberry Smash, and a Lavender-Lemon Stroll), and wander straight into the moody, magical world of Frances Hodgson Burnett's The Secret Garden. We talk sparkling cava vs prosecco, muddled berries, honey-lavender syrup, and why mint on the rim is a total game-changer, then break down why this hundred-year-old story still makes our hearts ache — the visuals, the soundtrack, the gothic elements, and yes, the complicated colonial moments that deserve honest conversation. Bring a glass, bring a friend, and get ready for springtime vibes, serious giggles, and a few tender asides about loss, literature, and why a secret garden is the best kind of therapy.

SpOoOoky episode; listen if you dare! 👻👻👻

DEFENDANT: Agent 007, Commander James Bond

EVIDENCE: Martinis

SCENE OF THE CRIME: Our Secret Lair

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Hey friend — grab a glass and settle in. In this episode we put the martini itself on trial: from the citrus-bright Vesper to a garden-fresh basil-cucumber twist, plus a yuzu-matcha surprise that doubles as our truth serum. We sip, argue, and nerd out about James Bond — the actors, the gadgets, the infamous "shaken, not stirred" debate, and the songs that make you feel like walking into a slow-motion title card.

Expect cozy banter, a few too many martinis, pop-culture tidbits, and lots of affectionate teasing (and yes, some of that classic Bond misogyny and other problematic bits get called out). Whether you love Shirley Bassey, are Team Vesper, or just here for the gossip about which Bond almost died/was recast/played by a model who conned his way into a role — we’ve got you.

We keep it casual — like a long conversation with a friend who brought cocktails and way too many fun facts. If you’ve got martini riffs, Bond takes, or favorite theme songs, slide into our inbox — and cheers: 007 out.

 Hi, welcome to another episode of True Crimes. Against wine. We're doing a people\u2019s court today. The story: two 26-year-olds, six years together. Early on, she was diagnosed with vaginismus — a medical condition that made penetration impossible despite physiotherapy and dilators. For years, they tried oral and manual sex, but over time his desire and emotional connection faded. They fought about whose "fault" it was, he sought therapy, and they tried to end things gradually, but it ended more abruptly after a heated argument. Now she's telling friends he put her in an impossible situation; he's left wondering if he was unreasonable. This episode explores intimacy, medical issues, trauma, guilt, and how young couples navigate big, painful challenges. Join us as we unpack the situation with empathy and honest questions.  

DEFENDANT: Emily Brontë

EVIDENCE: Goldschmidt Cabernet Sauvignon "Katherine" 2023

SCENE OF THE CRIME: The wild moors of Alexander Valley, Sonoma, CA

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Hey — settle in with a bowl of soup and a good glass, because this episode is equal parts wine tasting and literary sleuthing. We pop a bottle of Goldschmidt’s “Catherine” from Stonemason Hill in Alexander Valley (Sonoma), sniff out garnet color, black cherry and red‑plum fruit, a blueberry peak of ripeness, and a lovely stone‑like minerality with velvety tannins. It’s approachable, not pretentious, and sits in that sweet spot around $40 — perfect to bring to dinner or enjoy on a stormy night with friends (and a dog wedged between you).

Then we tumble headfirst into Wuthering Heights: Emily Brontë’s 1847 Gothic whirlwind of obsession, class friction, and moor‑bound drama. We talk about Emily’s short, wild life, the Brontë family dynamics, the book’s thorny questions (are Catherine and Heathcliff half‑siblings? are they in love or simply consumed by each other?), and why the novel is more morally complicated than the romantic myth that often gets pasted onto it.

Finally, we air our grievances with Emerald Fennell’s new film: gorgeous visuals, striking costumes, and some undeniably hot scenes — but also some big misses. Miscasting, whitewashing a character whose outsider status is crucial to the story, and a sleight-of-hand that ends up glamorizing an abusive, toxic relationship left us frustrated. If you love Wuthering Heights, don’t be fooled: this adaptation is a visually lush reinterpretation, not a faithful or thoughtful translation of the novel’s core themes.

Short version: drink the Catherine (it’s delightful), read the book (it’s messy, brilliant, and not for the faint‑hearted), and watch the movie cautiously — especially if you’re handing it to younger viewers who might mistake obsessive cruelty for tragic romance.

  Hi there. Welcome to another episode of True Crimes Against Wine. In this episode we dig into Bridgerton season 4 (first four episodes) with hot takes, spoilers, and a lot of laughs. We chat about the new heroine Sophie, Benedict’s surprise Cinderella arc, the show's heavy-handed nods to classic tropes (midnight, silver slippers, the whole shebang), and whether continuing the series past season three was a brilliant idea or a cash-grab mistake. We also talk casting, visual vibes, the recurring music covers, and the characters we wish got more screen time — especially Eloise. Join us as we rant, gush, and debate whether the show’s predictability ruins the fun or if pretty costumes and steamy scenes are still worth the watch.  

DEFENDANT: Herman Melville 

EVIDENCE: Melville Estate Pinot Noir

SCENE OF THE CRIME: Santa Rita Hills, and the Big Blue Sea

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Hey friend — pour yourself a glass and come sit with us. In this episode Judge Topher and Judge Rachel finally introduce themselves (yes, really) and then proceed to hijack a $75 Santa Rita Hills Pinot Noir, talk glassware, sniff cherries, sage, pepper and a little eucalyptus, and declare that yes: this bottle is absolutely worth the fuss.

We wander from tasting notes (garnet color, plums, violets, forest-floor complexity) to winery vibes — estate-grown, sustainable farming, family stories — then slip into full literary chaos as we roast, admire, and gently disembowel Herman Melville. Expect idle mutiny, a ridiculous cross‑examination quiz, surprising Melville facts (Mocha Dick!), and the sacred power of the line "Call me Ishmael."

There’s a lot of laughing, a little spilled wine, a bonus boxed-Pinot for scientific — ahem, comparative — purposes, and lots of off‑topic delights: antique store finds, dog shenanigans (Hermes is a star), and the kind of tangents you only get when two people drink nice wine and refuse to act like sober adults.

By the end we deliver our verdict: not guilty — this Pinot is a winner. Whether you’re here for the wine geekery, the Melville deep dive, or just to feel like you’re in the room with two pals roasting each other and solving the mysteries of the sea, this episode’s for you. Tell us your White Whale (or your favorite Pinot) — we’ll trade you a story and maybe some podcast swag if you’re brave.

Hey friend — buckle up. This episode is peak messy and oddly heartwarming: imagine a Victorian house party with deceptive chocolate cocktails (they sneak up on you), a disco ball spin-off, and one of our hosts getting so tanked she ends up barfing in the shower. Classic.

We also dig into the restaurant trenches — you know the ones: forced prix-fixe menus, last-minute menu swaps, entitled Valentine’s diners who stiff servers and act like their big romantic show excuses everything. If you ever wondered why hospitality folks roll their eyes at Feb 14, this episode explains it in gruesome detail.

On the flip side, there’s a genuinely sweet chaos: a sneaky ring in a jacket pocket (disguised among empanadas, naturally), a bout of nausea from cigar smoke, and then—after showers and teeth-brushing—the perfect, quiet proposal at home. It’s hilarious and tender all at once: puke, pajamas, and a very sincere “will you?”

We rant about how Valentine’s can be performative and cruel, celebrate Galentine’s and the small rituals that actually matter, and trade childhood Valentine memories (cupcakes, cheesy hearts, and all). It’s raw, funny, and totally relatable.

Want to swap your best or worst V-Day stories? Slide into our DMs — misery, triumph, and barf tales welcome. Love ya. Cheers.

Hey — this episode unpacks a vacation that went horribly wrong: a 37-year-old narrator brings her partner, toddler and a 16-year-old dog to visit her parents, who are openly hostile to the aging pup. They repeatedly put the dog outside, dump its water, and make cruel comments about putting her down.

The partner withdraws and spends time apart to protect the dog and avoid blowing up, while the narrator freezes because she's conflict-averse and has a fraught relationship with her dad. After they get back, family gossip paints the partner as rude, and the narrator is left asking who the biggest asshole really is.

We cut right to it: the parents are the main problem. Depriving an elderly, anxious dog of water and comfort is cruel, and their passive-aggressive escalation — plus the mom's cruel comments — crossed basic lines. The partner's quiet protection felt reasonable, not disrespectful.

If you were my friend, here’s the real talk: set boundaries. If your parents can’t treat your dog and your family with basic respect, don’t keep subjecting your kid, your partner, and your pup to that toxicity. Practical moves: offer to stay in a hotel with the dog, arrange separate visits, or limit holiday time until boundaries are respected.

You’re allowed to prioritize your immediate family and the emotional safety of your child and pet. Talk to your partner, consider couples or family therapy to sort the fallout, and don’t feel guilty for protecting your household from repeated mistreatment.

We rooted for her to protect her dog and reclaim Christmas — and for anyone listening, be the friend who tells someone they’re allowed to choose kindness and healthy boundaries over obligation.

DEFENDANT: Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

EVIDENCE: Manos Special Edition Great Gatsby Sauvignon Blanc

SCENE OF THE CRIME: Long Island

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Hey friend — come sit with us for a cozy, messy chat where wine and soup fuel a no-holds-barred re-read of The Great Gatsby. We get personal, a little loopy, and deeply into the weeds about Gatsby’s tragic love, Tom’s grossness, Daisy’s contradictions, and whether Nick was totally in love with his neighbor. Spoiler: feelings are messy and rich people are worse.

Pop a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, lean back, and let us walk you through art-deco bottles, literary gossip, and cheating scandals — plus a surprisingly earnest defense of hand-painted wine labels. We talk Fitzgerald’s life (and terrible choices), Zelda’s shadow, speculative queer readings, and how the book manages to feel both glamorous and kind of rotten all at once.

No fake facts here (well, maybe a few), lots of laughs, and zero pretension — just two pals getting hungry, distracted by soup, and falling down rabbit holes about vintage covers, terrible men, and whether Gatsby’s mansion was modeled on a castle. Bring snacks, or don’t — we’ll probably eat them anyway. You’re invited, old sport.