When I feel respect, I feel valued, and I know I am loved.  Respect is about love. It is love in action. Women need respect as much as men.

In 2004 a book by Christian writer Dr. Emerson Eggerich was released.  It was Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. The book became very popular in fundamentalist and evangelical church circles. Eggerich and his wife Sarah became big on the Christian speaking circuit in America, and any copies of the book were sold.

The book is built upon the theory that the “primary emotional needs” for men and women are that men need respect and women need love.

Just like they need air to breathe, apparently. Get this right, and a healthy marriage is sure to ensue, the author promises. 

When this book first came out, it featured at the Christian bookshop we frequently attended, and we bought it.  It seemed true enough.

Several years later, another couple at the church we were attending thought so too.  So much so that they purchased a carton of these books and made them available to whoever wanted a copy.

Whether the would-be reader could afford it or not, they graciously accepted whatever was paid or let the would-be reader have it for free. 

At the time, I remember that it was a topic that my husband certainly identified with.  He knew respect was a major issue for him, and I thought, what woman doesn’t just want to be loved?  

Roll on 10 or 15 years, and I’ve learned more.

Here I am now, in another town, in a new decade and with quite a different way of looking at life. As a result, I no longer agree with the premise of the book. In fact, I think it can be damaging to relationships and might even lead to abuse.

Women need respect as much as men.

One thing I’ve learned is that women need respect as much as men.  Indeed, we all need respect, and we’re all deserving of respect.  And it probably goes without saying that we all need love. It’s not a case of one or the other.

It has become abundantly clear in our present society that disrespect for women is rampant.

It’s probably always been there, covered over by societal norms and not spoken about out loud.   And maybe it’s the same for men, although the way to get it is not by asserting it must be given.  Demanding respect is not likely to get you what you are asking. It could even cause the opposite; disrespect.

What is disrespect?

What is disrespect?

Words and phrases like belittled, not valued, dismissed, not considered, not worthy of time, attention, money spent, snubbed, cast aside, overlooked, and offended all relate to disrespect. 

None of them in themselves truly incorporate that feeling nor do full justice to that awareness of being considered inferior and not worthy of even taking a little effort.  

Respect is often in the small things; it’s in the repeated things.

The stepping back to allow someone to go through the door first. Or holding said door open for me.

The please and thank-yous that we take for granted.  It’s even in those things that aren’t even noticed or regarded, considered so trivial not to be worthy of attention. 

The picking your dirty dishes up and putting them in the sink. Not leaving your belongings scattered around the house. 

Those seemingly little things are often not considered worthy of an attempt at change. 

Furthermore, disrespect is often noted in people from whom we would expect so much more. Partners, loved ones, children, and extended family; we can all be guilty of it.

Those professionals we pay large sums of money to who leave us sitting in their waiting rooms until they are good and ready and to the ones we engage in simple transactions who can’t be bothered to give eye contact.

The people we sit next to on public transport or drive past in our cars.  All are worthy of respect, and all are capable of giving respect.

What does disrespect actually feel like?

So, what does disrespect actually feel like?

I have been asked that question recently.  Now I have to dig

Their life was like a ship heading for the rocks, but with new words and affirmations, the ship slowly began to steer in a new direction. Thoughts change when we take charge.

‘Bitch.’

That was the word on the pendant necklace hanging around her neck. I was visiting her at her temporary home. Temporary because this was the psych ward.

She was in there because she wanted to kill herself.

I wondered if any of the psychiatrists and mental health people would challenge her on the words that hung around her neck. I hoped so.

Then again, we live in such a politically correct, super sensitive, non-directive world that maybe no one would say a thing.

I told her that she wasn’t a bitch, and having that word hung around her neck was having a corrosive effect on her soul.

Every day she had it around her neck. It reinforced a thinking track, a rut, a groove. Every day that path got deeper and deeper.

The power of a word to steer

What’s a word that has been worked and ruminated into your subconscious?

Maybe it’s a word that was spoken at you from a very young age, and you have adopted it as your own: parents, siblings, schoolyard bullies, to name but a few options with cursing tongues.

Then you have nurtured that little word, kept repeating it, and every time you made a mistake or stumbled, it confirmed the ‘truth’ of that word for you.

Then you added a few other words. The super-powerful words of ‘I am.’

You created an affirmation. You were firming up the word to be part of your identity.

I am stupid

I am a bitch

I am an idiot

I am a failure

I am a fool

I am a _____ (name your poisoned words)

It’s those little words that we probably don’t say out loud, but instead, we whisper them in our souls.

We have done this all our lives, and now they are so ingrained that they feel like facts.

Affirmations of truth

He was so secure in his identity that he was rock solid. He was and is the great ‘I am.’

What Jesus said about himself

‘I am the bread of life.’John 6:35

‘I am the way.’ John 14:6

‘I am the truth.’ John 14:6

‘I am the life.’ John 14:6

‘I am the vine.’ John 15:1

‘I am the good shepherd.’ John 10:11

‘I am the door.’  John 10:9

‘I am the resurrection and the life.’  John 11:25

Jesus knew himself. His identity was secure, and it rattled the world.

Jesus knew his identity and shared it to reassure us about the invite he offers to us.

We have a door we can go through, a shepherd to follow, a vine to draw from, a light to shed on our path, a hope, and a future, a daily bread to be nourished from.

Jesus didn’t need to use affirmations to firm us his identity, but we need to. We doubt and get storm-tossed. Our brain is not perfect.

We are in transformation mode.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. Romans 12:2

I need to keep telling myself my truest God-granted identity.

The disputing word ‘Yet.’

Some words in our English language act like a pivot, a hinge, a turning point. They offer a change in direction.

Words such as ‘and’ and ‘but.’

I think one other is the word ‘yet.’ It is a conjunction.

‘Yet’ says ‘I know how this is at the moment, but I will look at things differently, choose a different path.’

It’s a word that can be used to dispute our current thinking track. To challenge our beliefs and feelings, and thoughts with alternatives.

That is the way it was used by a guy called Habakkuk

Though the fig tree does not bud    and there are no grapes on the vines,though the olive crop fails    and the fields produce no food,though there are no sheep in the pen    and no cattle in the stalls,yet I will rejoice in the Lord,    I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18

I want to dispute the struggle I am in with the larger story of God’s eternal goodness to me.

Life can be tough – fig trees not budding, no grapes, olive crops failing, failures in the field, and the sheep pen and cattle stalls empty – yet I am going to still trust.

There is a larger story going on. One that I’m not f

We have all been a little one, a child, and we stumble, but we can grow from the stumbles, and we can learn new truth and find new hope.

I’ve heard many stories of abuse, but some of the worst are when subtle little lies have, with organized precision, been sewn into a child’s life. It’s evil.

Knowing the vulnerability of a child’s mind to learning and absorbing new information and behaviors, someone has, with malicious intent, corrupted a mind made in the image of God. Those lies take root and grow into deformed thinking and behaviors far from God’s intended delight.

I’ve seen adults with low IQ, intellectually challenged and disabled, being taken advantage of because of their child-like naivety. It was repugnant and evil. I called the Police, but nothing could be done.

Then there is another kind of abuse—the one where the child receives messages from another hurting human. Hurt people hurt people. The child hears the messages – verbal and non-verbal and believes them as truth.

Words that couldn’t be taken back and words that dug deep into the soul of that little child.

A thinking track is laid down in the child’s mind. A small little tiny microscopic pathway, and then the next day, another abuse is added to the brain.

This neurological pathway in the brain is gaining strength. That soft, malleable brain takes its cues from the environment around it and shapes its pathways according to what it’s been told.

Stumbling blocks and Millstones

When the followers of Jesus wanted to know who was the greatest, the one who got the pride of place position at the table, Jesus turned their earthly kingdom thoughts of achievement upside down. He still does.

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child, whom he put among them, and said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

“If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Woe to the world because of stumbling blocks!

Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to the one by whom the stumbling block comes! Matthew 18:1-7

Everyone one of us has taken a stumble. Jesus said they ‘are bound to come.’

My little two-year-old granddaughter took a nasty fall the other day and hurt her head. She was playing on a small plastic slide and fell from the top of the slide onto the floor.

She was crying, and her parents comforted her. After a little while, she got back up and quietly got back into life.

I wonder what she learned? Maybe that this world is not as safe as she once thought it was.

My daughter and her husband didn’t maliciously set up the slide with the intent of her falling. It was an accident, but they felt bad for what had happened. They could have prevented it by not having a slide, not allowing her to try new things.

Wrapping people in cotton wool chokes out the discovery of life.

That delightful two old will have many other stumbles in her life, but woe to anyone who sets out to cause her to stumble.

Where has the little one stumbled

I think we all have stumbled and fallen. Something has tripped us up. Hopefully not with malicious intent, but we have all tripped up in our thinking somewhere along the line.

We heard one thing and interpreted it possibly in a manner that it wasn’t intended to be understood, especially by God.  We have interpreted the experience in the most obvious childlike way.

Children are excellent recorders of their experiences but poor interpreters. David Riddell

Some time ago, I watched a teacher berate a child within their care. It was, to be blunt, a shaming exercise and spoke more about the angry world within the

It was a dream, but now it was shattered. Perhaps a new dream was to be discovered, and so we dug deep into what truly mattered.

It was happening again. The dream was being shattered. The marriage was over, the pregnancy test was negative, a redundancy letter handed out, and unemployment was on the horizon. There, in the most honest place of the soul, was a loss of spirit, drive, beauty.

A few years ago, an acquaintance opened up a cheery conversation with me by saying the words ‘Living the dream?’. After some paused consideration, I humorously said, ‘Sometimes, and then at other times, it feels like I am walking a nightmare.’

Live life honestly, and you know that dreams get shattered.

Shattered

Shattered is an interesting word.

I think of a window and how a single little stone can hit the hard beautiful transparent surface and create a crack, then another crack, and then a thousand cracks spread from this impact point.

The glass loses its structural integrity; it bends and flexes and then crashes to the floor. A thousand million fragments of what was once oneness.

It’s gone, never to be seen again—a mess to be cleaned up somehow.

Grief, loss, mourning, anger, all appropriate and needed if we want to glean something good out of the shards and micro-glass dust.

Building your house of lower dreams

Jesus once told an interesting story of two house builders. Both had a dream home they were building. It was going to be their place of security, warmth, and investment. Their house expressed a personal signature about themselves. This was the house of Mary, and this was the house of Tom.

The big difference, though, was what the houses were built on. One house was built on sand, and the other was constructed on rock.

Jesus said it this way.

If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.

“But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don’t work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in, and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards.” Matthew 7:24-27

I have dreams for a better life than I have now.

A life where things go perfectly well. Great marriage, happy children, good income, fulfillment, acknowledgment, etc

I build my life around these dreams. I set goals,  work hard, read, manipulate, control and try to make things work the way I want them to.

I am building my house of cards, and actually, to be honest, it’s ugly.

Yes, it’s functional, acceptable to others, normal, boring, but there’s truly nothing of supernatural glory.

Then a storm begins to build. They always do. Rains beat down, and floodwaters rise, and the strength of that which I have built my little house on begins to be exposed.

The sand grains of collected foolishness begin to lose any sense of energized connection.

Dissolving away, I am exposed as a naked Adam and Eve. I try to cover up my vitals. Hands rush to hide.

Dreams shattered can leave us feeling shamed and exposed.

‘I was such a fool ever to trust again.’‘Why did I ever do that?’

Rock-solid dreams

In Larry Crabb’s book Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Path to Joy, he writes this.

‘Through the pain of shattered lower dreams, we wake up to the realization that we want an encounter with God more than we want the blessings of life. And that begins a revolution in our lives.’ Larry Crabb 

You’re going to have dreams shattered. Your hopes will be hulled out.

Disappointment has unknown scheduled an appointment with you.

The ‘flower-strewn pathway’ has thorny roses, stinging wasps, invasive weeds, and moss slippery paving stones.

What I want more of

I was in a good conversation the other day.  It was rich with words and deep connection. We shared life.

The person I was listening to was sharing something of her life and struggles. She wanted to be heard.

Life can be tough at times, but to have someone come close and tell you that you’re doing ok can bring deep reassurance and a sense of being centered.

Sometimes you need to be told that you’re doing ok.

They were in a time in their life when it felt like they were in a bubbling cauldron of change. It was bubbling away, and life threw challenge after challenge at them. It was stressful, and they felt it in their body. They felt tired and needed a place to rest.

Then questions started to rise within their thinking.

Did they make the right decision? Perhaps they weren’t meant to be doing this? Maybe they don’t have what it takes?

Thoughts started to spiral downward. Depression and anxiety began to sneak in the back door.

I was watching my friend slowly and steadily lose their way off the path.

I reached out, placed my hand on their shoulder, and told them they were doing ok.

‘Am I really?’ was the response, but looking in my eyes and feeling the affirming touch of my hand, they knew that they weren’t alone.

You’re Doing Ok’

I think we all need people in our lives that can reassure us that were doing ok.

It’s the comparison game that can trip us up. We compare ourselves to others, or more likely to what others present to us.

We also compare ourselves to our younger years when we had all that energy and dreams and goals. Or it might be a comparison to some future years where we have dreams and aspirations but seemingly never come to be.

But to be ok, in this present moment as you read this, well, that is the secret.

We all need someone who can understand the story and appreciate the work of life.

Someone who can say, ‘I see you, I know you, I am with you, and you’re doing ok.’

This isn’t rocket science either. It doesn’t take much to offer the other person a ‘with you’ moment.

That ‘With you’ moment

There is one phrase that covers the whole story of the Bible. It’s part of the BIG STORY. The meta-narrative that our little stories of three score years plus ten (more or less) comprise a stage scene.

It’s the ‘with you’ moment. In prosperity and poverty, in anxiety and depression, in moments where you feel completely abandoned and alone, in times of betrayal, loss, shame, guilt, and pain. There is one whisper that shouts through creation.

‘I am with you.’

I tangibly feel it when another flawed and failing human being reaches out a hand, listens to the story, touches my heart, and says, ‘You’re doing ok.

It’s a grounding in the reality of us all being on a darkly lit path.

What do they know

You may scream internally at these three words. ‘Well, what do they know! Do they know about this and that?

They may not know all the dirt you have to shovel through, but perhaps what they are offering is that from their limited point of view that they want to offer a gift of solidarity, not solutions.

This may be the time where you can ask if you can share something of the ongoing story. The struggle of the moment. That expression of not feeling ok.

Discovering a ‘warm your heart’ walk

It’s a beautiful story of two travelers who were not doing ok. They were hurting and confused. They had seen an innocent man put to death. Crucified.

In their struggle, one came alongside and expressed that they were doing ok in light of all the struggle. They had a ‘with you’ moment of warm fellowship.

That same day two of them were walking to the village Emmaus, about seven miles out of Jerusalem.

They were deep in conversation, going over all these things that had happened. In the middle of their talk and questions, Jesus came up and walked along with them. But they were not able to recognize who he was.

He asked, “What’s this you’re discussing so intently as you walk along?”

They just stood there, long-faced, like they had lost their best friend. Luke 24:13-35

Sometimes we don’t recognize the stranger that comes alongside us and offers us that heartfelt compansion in the ‘You’re doing ok’ community.

There is a desire still in the heart of the Christ t

There is a mask or even a mist that we can see something quite wondrous when we see behind or through, but it takes awareness to see the vision of what they are becoming.

There is a drive I take every week to a farm and garden out in the countryside. I leave home early in the morning when it is dark and often arrive at daybreak.

It’s a beautiful drive going over hills, through valleys, and besides a stream with sailboats nestled into wooded banks. But it’s particularly beautiful on those mornings when there is a little bit of mist just sitting above the paddocks and on the river. I have to stop and quietly soak in the beauty.

As the sun begins to light up the sky, the darkness starts to retreat.

It’s light, its movement, it’s a time of transition from night into day. The fog sits and clings to the trees, and I know that within a few minutes, it will be gone.

It’s a special time of day, and so many people miss it. They are asleep to the glory and beauty around them. Or perhaps they are busy with getting ready for the day.

By the time they on the same road that I have traveled, the beauty has moved on, never to be seen quite like that again.

We hurry by, don’t we? It takes a conscious decision to slow down, stop, and take it in.

Many people need to be seen behind the dark or even the daylight of their presentation.

Looking a little beyond to the becoming

I like to look a little beyond.

It’s a simple prayer and goes something like this.

‘Help me to see them as you (Jesus) see them.’

What would it be like to have the eyes of Christ?

The eyes of Christ that can look right through all the parades, charades, and games that we all play. To see under the mask of makeup and self-protection.

These wouldn’t be condemning eyes. Instead, these are eyes that dance with delight and joy. These are eyes that affirm you with loving acceptance.

They see the tears, they may even shed a few with you, but they don’t reject or abandon.

These are the eyes that have traversed the dark with you and know that a new day is coming. They see something different from the experience that you have of yourself.

The tender moment

It was a moment in the conversation that I wasn’t quite expecting. Good things often happen unexpectedly.

We had been talking for a few minutes about a painful moment in their lives, and then I saw tears start to trickle down the face. They were hurting, and I felt inadequate. I was meant to.

I prayed, ‘Help me to see them as you see them.’

It was that moment of time between the darkness of the night and the dawning of a new day. The new day would be them shifting out of a deep conversation and into the business and activity of the day.

There was a moment, and I wanted to see the beauty and purpose of it.

Who were they becoming? What was this moment of misty dawning awareness bringing forth for us to explore? I was both excited and still.

I knew that Aslan was on the move. It wasn’t safe, but it was good.

Sure enough, ten minutes later and it was back into functional day-to-day business. Let’s keep busy to keep us one step ahead of the pain of the night and the unknown.

A new business card

I recently saw quite a funny cartoon.

The first image shows Simon, the fisherman picking up a pack of business cards from a printer.

The printer says

‘Here’s your order, sir. A thousand business cards saying ‘Simon, the fisherman.’

The next image starts with a little caption

‘Later that day …’.

In the image, it has Jesus saying to Simon.

‘Simon! from now on, you shall be known as Peter!

Peter looks a little annoyed that he had just got all these business cards, and now he has a name and identity.

This story refers to the encounter between Peter and Jesus that we find in John’s telling of Jesus’story.

Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, was one of the two who heard John’s witness and followed Jesus.

The first thing he did after finding where Jesus lived was find his own brother, Simon, telling him, “We’ve found the Messiah” (that is, “Christ”).

We’ve all fallen to the oldest trick in the book, but we need to know the oldest truth in the book. Knowing the difference between ministry and manipulation.

I watched them do it. They said a few words, suggested some options, smiled in a certain way, and waited. It wasn’t long before they had what they wanted. They had laid out the bait, and the person had grabbed it.

I then wondered how many times people had fallen to this subtle and sly manipulation. They were such an expert at it. Their success, their control was based on their ability to get others to do what they wanted them to do.

What’s it like to find out you’ve been manipulated?

To have someone use all sorts of little tricks and techniques to further their own cause.

The oldest trick in the book

You may have heard of the little phrase ‘The oldest trick in the book.’ It refers to a way of tricking someone that is still effective, although it has been used a lot before.

You’ll see it everywhere.

Those advertisements for the cosmetics that will ‘turn back the clock and remove the wrinkles.’ ‘You’ll feel like your 25 again’.

The advertisement promoting a particular tool that you will be able to build a house just like all the other guys, the successful ones!

Give your money to this Church building project, and God will bless you with abundance and prosperity (whatever that might mean to you).

Come to Jesus, and all your problems will disappear. (Jesus never said that, by the way)

And actually, the oldest trick is truly the oldest trick in the book, the Bible.

The oldest trick in the Bible.

I’m going to suggest that the oldest trick, that sly manipulation, was one that came from a snake.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

That word ‘crafty’ is about being creative.

I know someone who can take pieces of driftwood, flax, twine, twigs, and cane and craft them into a basket. Crafty can be good. It’s creative. It’s twisting, bending, and making something out of the raw materials on offer.

Crafty can also be bad. Twisting the truth, manipulating and bending a few words for them to seem something different to their original intention.

“Did God really say” is such a sly little question.

It’s a hook to open up doubt about whether God is holding out on something good.

It’s the oldest trick in the book to raise a doubt, to suggest a lack, to whisper ‘you might be missing out.’ It’s a comparison, and you’re the one that’s lacking.

I think of the prodigal son leaving the father, thinking he knew better about where life could be found, and then his brother whining that he had missed out on something.

The oldest truth in the book

There is a truth that is deeper and better than the trick, and it’s so profoundly good that we are not aware of it.

Jesus, in the story of the loving father, speaks the truth to the trick.

‘You’re with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours’ Luke 15:31

That was the awareness that we had as humanity before believing the trickery of the serpent, the satan, the accuser. There was closeness and fulfillment.

Satan tried it on with Jesus too ‘You can have it all – if you bow down to me.’

Jesus already had it all and knew it.

Ministry or Manipulation

When I was a child, in the church denomination I grew up in, the pastor was called ‘minister.’ Other churches had priests, pastors, and vicars. We had a Minister. They were to minister to the needs of the church.

Yet so often, then and now, I find many ministers are often manipulative in their ministry.

This, of course, is done with good intentions, but I wonder if what we do as ministers (and I include myself here) is more about manipulation than true selfless ministry. Reaching a goal rather than sharing a grace.

We have a goal, so we will manipulate a response.

‘Come to Christ, or you’ll burn in hell.’

‘The Bible says … so you need to …’

The songs

They were too naked in their vulnerability. Too much too soon, but with careful listening, time, and respect, they began to feel deeply known.

They had been too naked with their vulnerability. They thought they were safe with this friend, that what they shared wouldn’t be exposed. But it was told to others, and now they had closed up and remained unknown.

When you’re naked, you’re open to critique, you’re vulnerable to both rejection and acceptance, and you’re never quite sure which way it will swing.

So now they share with no one. Everything is masked up and hidden away.

Secret thoughts, passions, desires, longings, and questions (lots of questions) stay behind the walls.

Perhaps one day, they will find the presence of someone that can listen to the naked vulnerability of their story and sacrificially clothe them with acceptance.

The Eden desire to be known

What would it be like if you were to be known fully by one person and, most importantly, loved for everything you are.

It’s probably difficult to grasp this because we are so aware of our flaws and failings but in this instance, try to imagine there would be nothing of that.

Nothing to hide. Everything open and perfect. You would be translucent, and others could enjoy the uniqueness of you.

I still long for the kind of love that we first felt back in Eden.

To be known and have unselfish love flow towards me and from me to others.  A ‘suitable helper,’ a ‘soul mate,’ someone to be ‘soul naked’ in front of and feel no shame.

Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25

I want to be known, and so I open the door and hope someone will provide some Eden interest in my heart.

You see, we still have the scent of the Garden wafting deeply through our subconscious. We want to be known, but often we feel unknown, alone, invisible, and sadly a kind indifference from others.

It’s not self-centered this desire to be known.

You may well be thinking that this desire to be known sounds very selfish. That it’s all about you and meeting your needs.

But it’s not because you were made and created in the spirit of deep community. We were made for translucent communion with each other.

Deep in your heart, you also want to know at least one other person where you can commune with oneness. You want to meet them in their unknownness.

It may be scary to get to know the other at a deep level. It might hurt and push some of your own buttons. But deep down, you want to know them and be with them in their place.

I was in conversation with someone the other day, and I was deeply and genuinely curious about something they said. We talked briefly about many different things, but most of all, I wanted them to feel known in the struggles they were facing. Not to be F.A.S.S.ed – fixed, advised, saved, or set straight.

It’s now pay-to-know.

If you want to know anyone at any great depth, then there has to be a payment made of time and respect.

I love the game of Cricket, especially test match cricket. This is the game that can be played for 5 days, and at the end of the game, it can be a draw.

I try to describe a great test match as a 5-day arm wrestle where both teams are wrestling to the bitter end.

I want to know the game and everything that is going on, so recently, I signed up for a pay-to-view subscription with a local internet provider to see the matches.

Relationships work in a similar way, and the currency is time and respect.

How many times do we only find out something deep and quite significant about someone after we have walked with them for many, many years?

It’s like we have to pay the due of time and respect before the trust was built enough to allow the other to feel safe to be known at that next level.

A spouse discloses how they were abused as a child. Only after years of observation and trust-building have they felt room for them to be known.

You’re too naked too early.

At times I have had conversations with people who have been quick to tell me the da

It was my shame, but it wasn’t to be carried alone. I had a friend who knew it all, and God entered in and healed the pain.

I was being laughed at. I was only a seven-year-old, but for the first time, I felt the cold icy winds of being mocked and shamed.

The situation was that it was my school assembly and I thought our class had won a prize for some art project. So I got up from sitting on the floor and started to walk to the front.

Within seconds I realized that I was the only one standing and moving.

Slinking back to sit on the floor, I felt every eye was on me. I felt very alone and stupid. Kids were laughing and making sport of me.

That was the first time I remember being exposed to the humiliation of getting it wrong. I went on to have many other moments of shame.

Like a bumper boat being shoved from one intrusive experience to the next, our little life gets bumped and bruised along a passage of painful moments.

Shame can be defined as ‘a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.’

It sounds very technical, doesn’t it?

But shame is very much an emotion. To know shame is to know a hole in your life that is bottomless. You can fall into it and keep on spiraling down.

It’s a cold shadow of being completely alone – exposed, unloved, a fool.

Do you remember your first moment of shame?

That moment when your flaws and failings were exposed. You were seen and not known in grace. It might have come from someone else, that painful exposure, that mocking. But deeper and more lasting are the shame messages we say to ourselves.

There is something in yourself that you loath. A self-hatred festers and poisons your life. It’s a comparisonitis to perfection; however you define perfection.

Your the only one in this ‘shame world.’

Everyone else has got it perfectly right. We stay in our personal shame hole because we may well be shamed even more in the very instance of exposing our failures.

We either hide or we hit. In any exposure of flaws, we either hide away or we hit back and retaliate. What’s your defense strategy?

The God who enters our shame

They had got it wrong, and they knew it. They had stolen fruit from the orchard and discovered, for themselves, that it was poisoned.

I remember my father telling a story one day of how he had been to an area of our farm where some beautiful plum trees were growing by a stream. The trees were ripe with big red plums, and looking for a plum to eat on a hot summer’s day, he looked up into a tree.

To his surprise, two little boys were sitting high in the tree. He called out to them, ‘What are you doing up there?’

They responded, ‘We’re looking for Mr. McPherson’s pigs.’

‘Well, you won’t find them up there!’ he told them.

We laughed heartily at their quick-witted response.

They had been exposed for breaking the rules. They were stealing fruit, not looking for pigs.

In Genesis, we find another couple of plum stealers.

Adam and Eve ate the fruit that was out of bounds. They had got it wrong. Badly wrong. The choices they made were human in experience, and now they experienced the fullness of exposure. Guilt and shame washed into them.

But the dancing trinity did not shy away from their exposure. Instead, they entered into it and clothed their exposure with a sacrifice of something of their own creation.

And the Lord God made garments of skins for the man and for his wife, and clothed them. Genesis 3:21

The Christ who enters our shame

Fred: ‘He’s coming to dinner.’

Jenny: ‘Our place? Our messy kitchen? He’s going to see our dirty oven and the dust on the mantlepiece.’

Fred: ‘Oh yes, he also wants to eat with people like us – the prostitutes, gamblers, tax collectors, adulterers, loan sharks, addicts, and all the crazies that have been shunned and looked down upon.’

Jenny: ‘That’s a big party.’

Fred: ‘He also said not to make a fuss and do anything special. He wants to simply be with us, enter our world and wash our feet.’

 While Jes

Many people fear that God will leave them, but you have a very good reason why this will not happen. God has a reputation to uphold. A reputation of perfect love.

Deep, deep down, I think one of my greatest fears is that of abandonment. That I will be kicked out of the tribe, the family, the grouping, I will be alone.

Like a leper cast out of the town, I will be on the outside whilst everyone else is enjoying community on the inside. The party is going on, but the door is shut and bolted to entry.

Dig into the deep longings of your heart, and I think you will find a similar fear. We were created to enjoy a party going on, not the sterility of an isolation ward.

Yet, so many live in a fear of God leaving them. They have a deep belief that God, having become so fed up with their sin, lack of obedience, trust, and failure, throws the hands to the skies and shouts, ‘I’m done, they’re out of here.’

Maybe a threat of ‘being kicked out’ was held over them from a young age.

Punishment for not getting it right. Threats, condemnation, rules, black and white, you’re ‘In,’ or you’re ‘Out.’

Possibly at a young age, they experienced a deep loss. A death, a parent walking away from the marriage, a belittling of genuine pain. Healthy, God-designed attachments broken and torn away.

Rejection can get its hooks into us at a very early age. Only love can pry it loose.

Returning the favor

I think we often make God into our own likeness.

French writer Voltaire writes this.

In the beginning God created man in His own image, and man has been trying to repay the favor ever since. Voltaire

We create an image of what God is like from the scraps of our own experiences.

Taught or caught?

We get taught certain theologies about God’s nature (head knowledge) but so often, what we deeply believe (heart knowing) is caught through the experiences of our lives.

We remain in the old belief systems until we have caught, or we catch new healthier beliefs.

What beliefs have you caught that actually need to be thrown back as they are either undersized or something never intended for eating?

Promises, promises, promises to never leave.

I could fill this page with verse upon verse of scripture about God never leaving us.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8

But do these verses touch that core fear of the heart? Maybe they do on a very cognitive basis, but what does the heart need to hear?

You’ve seen promises get broken. You’ve broken them yourself. So now you’re not too sure about being reliant on a few words uttered.

Looking beyond my shame and guilt

I believe that God uses us as flawed mirrors of themselves – Father/mother, Spirit, Jesus.

We discover new facets of what God is like through the expression of themselves through their greatest creation – us.

When someone who knows my pain, shame, guilt, darkness, depression, anxieties and yet still chooses to love and welcome me into themselves, then I smell the aroma of perfect love.

I catch something of God.

As a pastor, coach, friend, I have had the deep privilege of hearing some of the most terrible things that have happened to people. Actually, once I had a counselor say to me that God has given me the gift of being able to walk into the very dark places of people’s lives and having nothing sticking to me.

When I have listened to the darkness of others, I have been an ambassador of Christ. I have represented God’s ‘I am with you’ reputation.

When I have given the invitation to look bad in the face of love, often people have caught a new vision of what God is like.

Christ has no body now but yours.No hands, no feet on earth but yours.Yours are the eyes through which he looks compassion on this world.Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good.Yours are the hands through which he blesses all the world.Yours are the hands, yours are the feet, yours are the eyes, you are his body.Christ has no body n