Two Boys in a Balcony

It's a real special edition of Two Boys in a Balcony as America's Dumbest Film Critics, Bill and Sean, are joined by an actual young person with thoughtful, articulate critiques and reviews of the art of cinema who doesn't think Lawrence of Arabia is "too fucking long" or "stupid." That's right! It's actor, comedian, raconteur, man with the lumberjack hands, Will Martin! Will stops by the balcony to discuss the 2022 Academy Awards nominees as we gear up for the big game on Sunday night! It's the Super Bowl of Film except without a lot of the excitement, suspense, and drama of football because we've just gone through two months of precursor awards that make the winners on Sunday somewhat inevitable to us (film journalists) but maybe not to you (regular normals). Will Sean stick to his guns and go with West Side Story down the line? Will Will make a very moving defense of Licorice Pizza that will get shot down by two fat old guys going, "He's a child" over and over like Mark Ruffalo in Spotlight? Will Bill prove that he has any range as an actor and cast aside his Boston accent to try and sound like he's from Minnesota? All of these questions and more will be answered over a very chaotic and potentially unlistenable two hours! Enjoy!

Here's the god's honest truth straight from the mouth of your boy Seanald Sillyman. When the Boys, Balcony sit down to watch one of these Best Picture winners, we try to go in with as few expectations as possible. We want to give these pictures a fair shake. We're America's Dumbest Film Critics and if we can't  objectively evaluate these Best Picture winners, do we even deserve those titles? So it is with a heavy heart that we announce if while following the simple mathematical concept know to layman as "rounding up" your movie clocks in at FOUR FUCKING HOURS, then you, dear film, have to earn that runtime and frankly, Lawrence of Arabia, a film that many people consider one of the greatest of all time, does not meet the high, high standards of the Boys in the Balcony. That's right, folks. Lawrence of Arabia is a classic Boondock Saints, a film that we can understand people enjoying but we just did not in almost any way. Good riddance, Larry of Arabia. 

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONIGHT TONIGHT! The Boys are crackerjack boom bap zapped to be talking about an absolute masterpiece, the 1961 Best Picture West Side Story, daddy-o. Stay cool. Zip. Pow. 

In this Balcony, when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awards a comedy, we salute and we stan. This is maybe the funniest Best Picture? It's certainly the funniest Best Picture winner of the first 33 Best Picture winners. This week, Billy and Seany borrow the keys to somebody else's balcony and have a little bit of fun with Billy Wilder's comedic masterpiece The Apartment. Holy lordy, insurance salesman are horny! This is a wonderful lil movie and at 2 hours and 4 minutes, it's a motherlovin' breeze! You could almost watch this in one sitting unless you have a baby bladder like the boys in the balcony. Take some time this week to enjoy some Jack Lemonade and let us be your disoriented and easily distracted guides through the hollowed grounds of cinema!

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears as we gather to examine the God William Wyler's final Best Picture winning film, the three hour and forty flipping minute epic Ben-Hur starring Charlton Heston or Phil Hartman doing an impression of Charlton Heston depending on your politics. Don't let the runtime of the movie fool you. This thing is a goddamn breeze. What a picture. We also spend half the time talking about Anatomy of a Murder cause that's also great. Movies are good, you clowns. Watch more movies.

Here's the thing, folks. Sometimes they get it wrong. Sometimes they get it wrong and there's just nothing you can do about it. The past is the past. You can dream, sure. You can sit around and think of all the hypotheticals... what if I could go back and kill baby Hitler? What if I could go back and slap the living shit out of Vincente Minnelli for even thinking about making this abomination? This is the worst best picture winner we have seen so far. It's yucky. I'd rather watch Gigli. 

When you're weary

Like a bridge on the river kwai

When you're down and out

Like a bridge on the river kwai

Sail on silver girl

Like a bridge  on the river kwai

I will ease your mind

Guys, we fucked up and forgot to watch a movie but still wanted to bro down so enjoy!

Good morrow, weary traveller. Why not let down your load and let me tell you a tale (in real time!) of a man who travelled around the world in 80 days. By the time this film is over, your children will be resentful of how you spend your time. It's the 1956 Best Picture winner, Around the World in 80 Days! It's interminably long. It has all the charm of watching vacation photos from a person you hate. Keep an ear out for a very special guest this week in the Balcony! He's a little rascal but we love him! Cowabunga, hot air balloon enthusiasts!

Ladies and gentlemen, what was the Best Picture winner at the 1956 Academy Awards? Herb Stempel would have you think it's On the Waterfront because he's a fucking idiot and has no sense of cinematic history. The answer of course, is Marty. Lovable, fat, dog-faced Marty. A true dog. One of the doggiest dogs that ever dogged. On top, on bottom, from the front or the back, it's always doggystyle when Marty is involved. It's one of the most prestigious winners of all time, Marty, this week in the Balcony.