A Sandra Bullock/Nicole Kidman/Tom Cruise height-guessing game turns into an actual Google competition, and Tom Cruise still comes up short. That segues into a Practical Magic sequel review 28 years in the making, which mostly involves someone's mom threatening to walk out. Then it's a full-blown DC multiverse lecture — Flashpoint Paradox, evil Martha Wayne, the whole thing — that nobody asked for but everybody stayed for.

Fantasy football draft recap turns into a public shaming when someone admits his bedroom superpower is "being a good listener" and gets docked 52 points on the spot. Also: a door hinge finally gets fixed after nearly taking someone out, a bathroom sink that just won't turn off, and a long, confused conversation about a niece's TikTok candy-bucket career that nobody at the table can explain.

Somebody decides they’re now watching every movie in Chinese subtitles from here on, right after explaining why porn is better with captions. Also: a stolen trailer gets guiltily returned two hours later, a debate over whether lap dances improve when the stripper’s crying, and a full apocalypse survival plan that ends with eating the dog.

An argument about flock cameras spirals into a full federal budget rebuild — 30% off the military, a corporate tax hike, and a surprisingly confident case for striking first with nukes. Also: a Darth Vader cosplayer testifies at a town hall, a smallpox scar becomes a two-needle forensic investigation, and Dolly Parton’s death sends the whole bar into a genuinely sweet detour.

The gang explains the Mormon “soaking” loophole in graphic, unnecessary detail, then pitches a flavored-cocaine business plan (strawberry, cherry, “decaf” for the coke-curious). Also: an Ibiza recap featuring a solar eclipse shaped like a shark fin, a lost suitcase, and shorts so small they had to be worn back to the hotel.

Someone rattles off a random dead president's name and it's correct, and nobody can let it go. Also: running with the bulls in Pamplona, a boat-terminology argument settled by asking an AI, and a full-throated defense of "six seven."

A rant about a watermelon vodka switch and a mystery seltzer that’s just labeled “purple” somehow spirals into Fed policy, Trump’s Epstein birthday card, and a UN vote where America got left standing alone with Iran and North Korea. Also: karaoke, a snowball joke nobody fully commits to, and a passionate defense of pizza crust quality.

The crew invents “Mitch, please” as the new “buffering” and immediately loves it too much. Also: a genuinely heated argument about diamond hardness versus brittleness, a rundown of every dead daytime talk show host from the 80s, and Jesse’s dad’s rich friend wanting to open a bar in Homestead with zero actual plan.

The crew drafts Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia in the filthiest game of the night, and somehow Sicilian folklore comes up. Also: the actual government conspiracy behind processed American cheese, a scientifically detailed (and wrong) theory on duck penis mechanics, and why nobody can agree on what a “gorilla fart” shot is called.

The bar decides Mitch McConnell has probably been dead in a hospital bed for three weeks and nobody’s telling us, then pivots straight into “Big Olive” running the oil industry like the mob. Also: a senator picks a Twitter fight with Mbappé and loses, and someone tries to explain the difference between bourbon and whiskey to a room that stopped caring immediately.