No-one wins every game, every match, every point. Failure is part of the process of winning. It’s an important part because we learn from it. We learn what to do better next time. We learn about choosing other options, being flexible in our thinking, trying another approach. It makes us work harder, strive more.
Through failing and working through it, we get stronger, more resilient, but it isn’t easy, especially when you’re young.
Many young athletes want to make their parents proud, impress their coach and have their teammates cheer for them and celebrate their triumphs. But doing well to get the approval of others isn’t something we can control. It’s fragile and it can make us vulnerable when that is our aim.
Winning isn’t in our control because it depends on others performing less well on the day than you.
It can depend on the standard of the competition, the state of the environment – weather, ground, crowd, so many factors beyond our control.
Have you heard of the Feedback sandwich?
Overall, what went well?
What could I have done more of?
What could I have done less of?
Overall, what was the positive feedback for me?
Let’s apply this to your last sports event.
This is a bit more like a feedback bap isn’t it?!
What went well?
What could I have done more and what could I have done less of
Overall, what is the positive feedback for me
Let’s learn something about feedback.
Who has an ‘inner critic’ who says things like this.
“Why do you always do that?”
“Why do I never score”
“Why is everyone better than me”
“No-one passes to me”
These are Generalisations and they are never true.
The interesting thing about generalisations is actually the exceptions.
So write down a generalisation using: always/never, everyone/no-one that you say to yourself.
I always …………………………………………….
I never………………………………………………
Everyone …………………………………………..
No-one…………………………………………………..
Now change these to
Sometimes I…………………………………………….
Some people……………………………………………
Think about those times when that thing did not happen and there you have your ‘model of excellence’.
What was ‘the difference that made the difference’ on that occasion? Do this more often!
Let’s look at another way we give ourselves feedback. Coaches, teachers, listen up because perhaps you could change the way you give feedback.
Deletions are when we delete the detail or the context so for example
“That was better”
“You didn’t play well today”
“That was mean”
Ask, how, in what way to get the detail that you can learn from.
In order to learn from that feedback we need to know what we did that made the difference so we can do it again.
Let me tell you something you may not know. You may sometimes talk about your ‘anxiety’ or ‘anger issue’. These are deletions too. Why? Because they don’t really tell you anything do they? What is missing? The context. You’re not anxious all the time or angry all the time. If this may apply to you, have a go at some of these ways to reframe these deletions to include the context and get more mindset control for your sport.
I feel anxious when ………………………………..
What worries me is if………………………………
……………………………….... makes me anxious
I’m worried about……………………………………
I feel angry when………….………………………..
…………………………………...makes me angry
If …………………………….……I get really angry
Now let’s link these so you can see the connection.
I feel angry when……………………………………..
and I’m worried that………………………………….
So next time you feel angry about something, ask yourself what you were worried about. Then give it a score of 0-10 as to how likely that thing is to happen. If more than 5 do something about it and if less than 5, take some deep breaths and choose to calm down. Control your controllables!
Another form of deletion is saying
‘I can’t’
Again we have deleted the context.
When can’t you?
Who says?’
What if you could?
When can you?
What ‘can’t’ you do?
I can’t…………………………………………………….
Now answer those questions above.
When can’t you?......................................................
Who says this?.........................................................
What if you could?...................................................
When can you?.........................................................
In NLP terms, it is called a modal operator of possibility in that it makes what is possible, impossible in that moment. It is a blocker.
What can’t you do in your sport?
I can’t…………………………………………………
Let me tell you a story.
I was training two students at my house a few years ago and we were talking about ‘beliefs of excellence’.
I asked N what she’d like to be able to do. She wanted to do a Yoga headstand. “I can do that, said J” and proceeded to show her. N had a go but said “It’s no good, I can’t do it.”
She watched again and tried again but still insisted that she couldn’t do it. Each time she just did a little bunny hop and didn’t manage to get her bottom far enough over her head to be able to raise her legs up the wall.
We went through the structure with J. What did she do first, then next and so on but N still couldn’t do it.
This brings me to the NLP Modelling process whereby you copy someone who can do the thing you want to do OR importantly focus on the time YOU can do that thing, and identify the successful belief. Think about what you were thinking just before you do the thing and it works brilliantly.
J said: “Just before I do a Yoga headstand I think ‘this will be fun’”
N laughed and said “I’m thinking, ‘I can’t do this’”
Of course, we can clearly see that if you think you can’t do something then you won’t be able to do it. We’re literally telling ourselves that we can’t do it and because the mind and body are connected, we won’t be able to do it.
N said she could not imagine doing the yoga headstand as ‘fun’ so I asked her to imagine something that she thought was fun, before she attempted the headstand. She did that and she achieved an absolutely perfect yoga headstand straight away.
The learning here is that ‘If you always do what you’ve always done (note the generalisation) you’ll always get what you’ve always got.’. Your old way of thinking did not work.
Instead, take a different way of thinking that is successful for someone else or for that time when you have successfully done that thing.
When you find yourself using a generalisation in your thinking, ask yourself:
“Really? Is that really always true. When was it not true? What happened then? What was my thinking? What was my belief about doing that thing?” Now transfer that more effective or resourceful belief to where you need it now.
Then lastly we have Distortions. These are mindreads. We are making an assumption about the intentions of another player, team-mate, the coach or teacher or your parent.
You cannot read people’s minds. Think about it.
He deliberately……………………………………..
She made me feel…………………………………
They don’t like me………………………………….
Give yourself and others feedback that you and they can learn from.
This is my latest book. You can buy it for Kindle as an EBook or a paperback where your sporty teen can ‘engage’ with it, underline bits, highlight, make notes and so on.
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