This week: Unlearning Doubt. Morning posts are written for individual contributors. Midday posts are written for managers and supervisors. Evening posts are for everyone — wherever you sit.

Have you ever walked into work in a good mood — and then heard a raised voice, a slammed door, or watched someone approach you with a smile that didn’t reach their eyes — and suddenly the whole day felt different?

Of course. We all have.

Learning to separate your own experience and your own identity from the environment around you is a skill. It’s one of the things we’re working on this week as part of Unlearning Doubt.

Let’s ground and do a short visualization.

Feet on the floor. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Imagine yourself waking up. The sun is shining. You feel ready.

You walk through the door at work — sun still shining, that feeling still with you. In the parking lot, you run into a colleague who clearly doesn’t want to be there. You say good morning. They mumble something back. You turn and say, “Hey, let me know if you need anything today. It’s going to be a busy one — happy to help.”

And then you keep walking.

You hear a door slam somewhere behind you. You startle for a moment. Then you say to yourself: “That person is having a hard day. That has nothing to do with me or the day I’m going to have.”

You sit down at your desk. Somewhere nearby, voices are raised. You take a breath and say to yourself: “Those voices aren’t directed at me. They have nothing to do with what I’m capable of, how I perform, or what I’m going to accomplish today. I am in control of my own day.”

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Come back to the room.

That’s the practice. Consciously identifying which elements of your environment are actually directed at you — and which ones have nothing to do with you at all. It sounds simple. It takes real repetition.

You control your actions, your words, your thoughts. The noise around you is real — but it doesn’t have to set the tone.

You have more power over your own day than you think.

Deep breath. You’ve got this.

For news, resources and more, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Hi. I’m Elizabeth, and this is Unmanaged.

We covered a lot of ground this week. Tonight, let’s bring it together.

Feet on the floor. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

This week we talked about what happens when a whole team is living inside a difficult environment — how one person’s struggle rarely stays contained, how the impact moves through relationships and trust and eventually the work itself.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

We talked about fear — how it shows up in silence, in guardedness, in the way people stop asking questions or offering honest opinions. That fear is data. It tells you something real about the environment, and you can use it.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

We talked about psychological safety — and how it starts with you. With how you speak to yourself. With whether you allow yourself to make mistakes without turning it into an indictment.

We talked about trauma bonding — the relief of feeling understood by someone who is living the same thing, and the cost of letting that bond become the thing that keeps you in place.

We talked about being real. Not relentlessly positive, not relentlessly negative. Just honest — with yourself and with the people around you.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Now take a moment and think about your team. When was the last time someone showed you a kindness at work — something small, maybe, but real? How did it feel?

Is there someone on your team who could use something like that right now? Someone you know is struggling? After you’ve taken care of yourself — what’s one small thing you could offer them?

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Whether you’re a manager or an individual contributor, you have more influence over your environment than it sometimes feels like you do. Kindness — to yourself and to the people around you — is one of the most accessible tools you have. It doesn’t fix the structure. But it can make the day survivable for someone who needs it.

That matters. You matter.

You showed up every day this week. That's not nothing. Deep breaths. You’ve got this.

See you next week.

When It’s Not Just You is a series running this week about the impact of a difficult work environment on a team. This series concludes this evening.

For news, updates and more resources, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Hi. I’m Elizabeth, and this is Unmanaged.

Today we talked about two things that are really rooted in the same feeling: fear. Fear of retaliation creates trauma bonds among colleagues. Fear of consequences creates distance between staff and their managers. Tonight I want to talk about what you can do with fear — specifically, how preparation can take some of its power away.

My husband is autistic, and one of the things I’ve learned from him is the value of planning for the worst case. Not obsessively — just practically. If we’re going somewhere loud, we bring earphones. If we’re taking a road trip, we bring food, water, and a backup plan. It sounds simple, but it works. Knowing you’ve thought through the hard scenario makes the hard scenario less frightening.

You can do the same thing at work.

A few years ago, I was conducting a workplace investigation involving sexism and misogyny. Throughout the process, I kept hearing the same thing from executives — that the women who had filed complaints were unstable, greedy, unqualified. I knew I needed to say something. But I tend to find the right words about twenty minutes too late.

So I prepared. For two weeks, I practiced my response in my head and waited.

When the comment came again, I was ready. I paused and said: “In more than twenty years of HR work, I’ve handled hundreds of complaints involving women as complainants. In one hundred percent of those cases, there was a narrative from leadership that the women were crazy, greedy, or not qualified. One hundred percent. So I can’t go along with that assumption.”

The person’s face went red. Then they thanked me for calling them out and left my office.

Dysfunctional workplaces are actually fairly predictable. The dynamics repeat: abuse of power, micromanaging, deflection of feedback, decisions made for individuals rather than the organization. You’ve seen the patterns. Use them. Prepare your responses in advance for the situations that come up regularly — the ones where you usually know exactly what you should have said twenty minutes after the fact.

Feet on the floor. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Think of one situation at work that comes up regularly — a dynamic, a conversation, an interaction that tends to catch you off guard. Now think about how you’d like to respond next time. Practice it. You don’t have to have every scenario covered. Just one is enough to start.

Feel the floor underneath you. That’s your preparation. That’s what you’ve already built.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Managers — you know your team. You know who gets anxious, who gets confrontational, who needs a little more room. Plan for that. Walk in tomorrow having already thought through how you’ll meet each person where they are.

Preparation is how you become fluent in your own workplace. It doesn’t eliminate the hard moments. It just means you’re ready when they arrive.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

You’ve got this. I’ll see you tomorrow.

When It’s Not Just You is a series running all week about the impact of a difficult work environment on a team.

For news, updates and more resources, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Difficult work environments are exhausting in a specific way. The pressure is constant, and it has a way of narrowing everything down until the job feels like the whole world.

Tonight, let’s widen the lens.

Feet on the floor. Feel the chair beneath you, the floor underneath your feet.

Let those points of contact remind you of something: your skills, your experience, your knowledge, your character — these are what’s holding you up. Not the environment. Not the dysfunction. You brought those things in with you, and you’ll carry them out.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Now, imagine you’re floating a hundred feet above the ground, looking down. What do you see? The people in your life. The places that matter to you. Everything that exists outside of work. Take it all in for a moment.

Where is your job in that picture? How much space does it take up?

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Come back down now. Feet on the floor. Back in your own space.

Think of three things happening in the world right now that are more urgent, more pressing, or more consequential than what’s happening at your job. Just three. They aren’t hard to find.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Notice what happens when you hold your workplace inside that larger context. The lens widens. The pressure doesn’t disappear, but it shifts — it takes up a little less of the frame.

Every day at work may be hard right now. But the job is not the whole picture, even when it feels that way. Widening the lens — even briefly, even imperfectly — is a way of reminding yourself that you are larger than the environment you’re currently in.

Take that with you into tomorrow.

When It’s Not Just You is a series running all week about the impact of a difficult work environment on a team.

For news, updates and more resources, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Tonight’s reflection is for everyone — leaders and individual contributors alike.

Feet on the floor. Feel the support beneath you.

Think of that as your own psychological safety net. Even when the environment around you isn’t safe, you can still offer that safety to yourself. You can still show up as the person you need and want to be.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Allow yourself to make mistakes. Write down your ideas, your concerns, your questions — even the ones that feel too risky to say out loud yet. Perfection isn’t the goal. Doing the best you can, in this moment, with the circumstances in front of you — that’s enough.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Think back to a time when you treated yourself with compassion. What did that look like? How did it feel? What did it make possible?

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

What do you need from yourself right now? Not from your manager, not from your team — from you. Stay with that for a moment.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Now, say this to yourself — out loud if you can:

“I can offer psychological safety to myself. I am in control of how I speak to myself. What others say or do has no bearing on the safety I create within.”

Whether you lead a team or contribute to one, the capacity for compassion, empathy, and self-understanding lives in you. When you strengthen that from the inside, something shifts — not just for you, but for the people around you. Kindness that’s rooted in something real is the kind others can feel.

Take that with you into tomorrow.

Deep breaths. You’ve got this.

When It’s Not Just You is a series running all week about the impact of a difficult work environment on a team.

For news, updates and more resources, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Hi. I’m Elizabeth and this is Unmanaged.

When a team breaks, there are no longer collective goals. The goal for each person becomes survival. And inadvertently, people fighting a toxic work environment sometimes contribute to that environment without the support of a team and or a leader. Each person becomes siloed.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This isn’t wrong - each person must make themselves the top priority in order to survive. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t take a look at how we are interacting with our team.

Tonight, let’s consider what happens when we pause to bring awareness back to our own journey as part of the team.

Feet on the floor. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Reflect on how you felt today. Consider that your colleagues may have been feeling similarly. Consider that possibility for a moment.

Think about your interactions today. Deep breath in, deep breath out. What were the reactions to your interactions?

Think back to a time when you felt supported by a colleague. What did that feel like? Who was it? What did they do? How did you respond? How did you feel after the fact?

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

If any of your interactions today with colleagues were tense or confrontational, take a moment to reimagine that interaction with a different approach. What would you say? How would they react? How would that help things? Or make things worse?

You don’t have to control anything other than your own actions. Let go of everything else. The only thing you need to do is consider the different possibilities for that interaction. How would that impact your relationship with that person? With the team. With the work.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

You’ve got this.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

When It’s Not Just You is a series running all week about the impact of a difficult work environment on a team.

For news, updates and more resources, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This week was heavy — naming abusive tactics at work, looking at them directly, sitting with what they do. If that took something out of you, that's not weakness. It means you were paying attention. This closing video is about what you leave the week with.

In this video:

What gossip, sabotage, DARVO, gaslighting, and exclusion all have in common — and what they're designed to do

Why knowing yourself is the thing no one can touch or rewrite

How your documentation, your reality anchor, and your facts hold you up when the environment works to take your footing

A closing grounding practice to reconnect with a version of yourself that's still in there

Take the free Toxic Workplace Quiz or book a free intro call at unmanagedpeople.com.

Your knowledge of yourself, your circumstances, and your facts — that's what they cannot touch. You have more power than they want you to believe.

— Elizabeth

Grounding: feet on the floor — think of that floor as your documentation, your reality, your record

No one can change it or take it away — it belongs to you entirely

Think of a time when you were happy at work — stay with that for a moment

That version of you is still in there. That is also yours.

Deep breaths.

Maybe you were gaslit today. Maybe it happens every day. It’s real, and it’s not okay.

Tonight we are going to take the tools we’ve been building this week and breathe life into them — because gaslighting works by taking air out of the room. We are putting it back.

Ready?

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Feet on the floor. Feel the floor underneath you.

That is your documented reality holding you up. You cannot fall through it. It is steady. It is solid. It is not going anywhere.

Those are your facts. They belong to you.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Your brain deserves care. Your confidence deserves care. You deserve to feel safe at work. And this — what you are doing right now — is part of taking control of your own story.

This is how you survive a toxic workplace. You identify what is happening. You find the truth. You hold onto it.

You are the priority.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Lift your feet and set them down again. The floor is still there.

The facts are still there.

Nothing they say or do can shake you away from what you know to be true.

Now say this — out loud or silently:

I know what happened. I know the facts. Nothing they do can take that away from me. I own my confidence. I own my competence. These things are entirely mine.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Let it go for tonight. It will all be there tomorrow — and so will you.

What Just Happened is a series about identifying and responding to abusive tactics at work. Tomorrow, we look at exclusion.

For news, updates and more resources, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

DARVO happened. You wrote your reality anchor notes. You read them repeatedly. You feel confident in your account of what occurred.

And then you try to go to sleep.

The thoughts start: What if they’re right?

This is the moment to return to what you know — about what happened, and about yourself.

After my confrontation with my boss, I found myself circling back to the apology I had offered. I apologized — I must have said or done something that justified it. And then I remembered something about myself: I apologize in almost every situation, regardless of who did what. It’s a habit I developed early and one I’m still working on.

When I remembered that, something shifted. I hadn’t even known what I was apologizing for. He hadn’t named anything specific — no specific words, no specific action. Just that I had escalated things.

Why couldn’t he name anything specific?

There it was. I had remembered myself. I had remembered the truth. And that is what loosened the grip of his narrative.

Grounding exercise.

Feet on the floor. Feel the support underneath you.

Deep breath in. Slow breath out.

Zoom out. Think of a time when your account of events turned out to be accurate — when your truth held. How did you feel? What do you remember thinking? What did you do?

Now focus on that feeling. That is what you are building toward. Peace of mind. Confidence in what you know. Confidence in your own character.

Take a breath and let it settle.

Grounding in reality doesn’t make any of this easy. But it gives you something solid to hold onto — something that belongs entirely to you and that no one else can rewrite.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

You’ve got this.

What Just Happened is a series about identifying and responding to abusive tactics at work. Tomorrow, we look at gaslighting.

For news, updates and more resources, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

“I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.”

I remember laughing at Al Franken’s character Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live. And then, many years later, I remember saying those exact words in earnest — standing in front of a mirror, trying to get ready for a job that was proving to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated.

Sometimes someone else’s narrative takes over. The narrative of someone whose primary interest is not in seeing you succeed. And when that happens — when sabotage is in the picture — the most important thing you can do is return to what you actually know about yourself.

Not what they’re implying. Not the story they’re telling. What you know.

Know yourself out loud.

We have to be able to identify and speak our strengths — not just hold them quietly. We have to tell our own brains what we are good at, where our natural talents lie, where our skills are strong. Because we are the only ones who can know ourselves that well. And our brains need the reminder, especially when someone else is working hard to suggest otherwise.

Start here: why did you apply for this job? Why were you hired? At some point, someone had enough confidence in you to offer you this position and pay you to do it. Go back to that moment. Remember what they told you.

Then think of something recent that went well — at work or anywhere. What did you do? What skills did it take? How did it feel when it was over?

Why this works.

Self-talk activates your brain’s reward system. Affirmational thoughts — specifically ones that are true — send your brain a signal of competence and reinforce it each time you repeat them.

This is not about pretending. It is about accuracy.

Here is an example from my own practice: I am good at helping people see the bigger picture when they come to me with a problem. I can identify the larger pattern and help them zoom out. Saying “I am good at helping people zoom out” reinforces to my brain that this is a real skill. Each time I say it, it becomes a little more solid.

That is what we are doing now.

Grounding exercise.

Feet on the floor. Feel the support underneath you.

Deep breath in. Slow breath out.

Think of a successful experience at work — at this job or a previous one. What made it successful? How did you feel afterward? What skills did you bring to it?

Now complete this statement out loud:

“I am excellent at _______________.”

Do it again with a different experience. A different skill.

You now have two true things to return to — two affirmations grounded in your own lived record.

Anyone can attempt to sabotage you. A boss, a colleague, a leader. But no one can get inside your brain. You are the only one with access to your own reward system. When you are grounded in what you know to be true about yourself, it shows — and more importantly, it holds. Confidence is a layer of protection. No one can break through it unless you give their narrative more power than your own.

You are in control of your brain.

You’ve got this.

What Just Happened is a series about identifying and responding to abusive tactics at work. Tomorrow, we look at DARVO.

For news, updates and more resources, visit unmanagedpeople.com.

Thanks for reading Unmanaged! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.