Unsilenced Truths

PIO was definitely a much needed form of Self-Care and I am very grateful for the opportunity to go. While the conference was a week a way from my initial visit to Alive Church, after much encouragement and a series of unexpected events I made the decision to go and "seek first the kingdom". I attended with an open-mind and heart and witnessed how God is not only moving in my life but also in the lives of the other women throughout the room.

What do you believe? 
I am learning now more than ever that what I believe is one of the most important components of my life. An interesting quote I came across read, "You will always choose evidence for what you choose to believe in". Please ponder that for a moment...

"Try not to  resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you.  Do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?" - unknown

I have never been a fan of change and lately instead of fighting it I have chosen to embrace it to the best of my abilities. The best analogy I can think of to describe my approach to life currently is "My life is a movie that I am watching while also acting inside of it as the main character and reading my lines for the first time. You only get what one take  before it cuts to the next scene." 

Some roads  to change are easier than others offering a soft, gentle transition. Other times it feels like you're walking through fire praying to God that you won't get burned. Change can bring about the best moments in your life. You can meet new people who bring about peace and positive or find yourself geographically in area that you can explore. Change happens on the inside and outside. The way, you think, breathe, and eat matter just as much as where you work, the cleanliness of your home, and how you get to school.  However, it is equally important to be able to look in the mirror and learn to love what you see.

Not everyone will appreciate how you change and the results of it. People will not always be able to see the fruit you bear from what has been sown. Don't lose sight of your vision and what God has shown/told you.

The change I am facing seems bittersweet like a farewell that mentally I was not ready to give but my heart knew it was time. Within these changes I will remain hopeful and trusting.  Who I am is changing and I have lean into my faith  knowing that any difficulties I encounter  is a part of His plan for me. That the uncertainty I face does not mean God has wavered in his love for me, but instead that he loves me so much that the things I experienced before have equipped me for a time such as this; that this too shall pass and be used as a stepping stone towards an even greater purpose. Pruning hurts but so does staying the same when everything around me is changing. Thank you God for your grace and mercy. Thank you for seeing a purpose in me that I didn't and occasionally don't see in myself. Thank you for wanting what is best for me. Thank you for your protection against the seen and the unseen. Thank you for this life I am living and choosing me as one of your own.

"He loves you for who you are becoming because he sees you perfected through His Spirit working in you" -Melanie Newton

To be dearly loved by God is quite honestly the most comforting thing I have to hold onto to in life right now. I am trying my best to be ROOTED and well established in genuine love, meaning to be grounded and stabilized in God's love for me- for all of us. To truly understand and believe that there is not anything I can do to be loved less or loved more. Oh, to experience a truly unconditional, impartial, everlasting, infinite, and perfect love (Richard Halverson).

I have struggled my entire life to accept the idea that I am loved mainly due to how the people closest to me growing up expressed it. Then as I got older I had difficulties defining and recognizing healthy love patterns and establishing them for myself. I just knew feelings and often labeled them as good or bad  lacking stability in my life to know where those feelings stemmed from. Now being older, I have started my own journey to understand what Love is supposed to look like from myself and others. It has been difficult but this season of my life has  helped me answer questions such as "Am I loved for who I am and not what I do?", "Are the people around me aware of what real love looks like and do they exhibit it?", "Do I love how God loves and if not how can I take steps to do so?" and "How can I be more deeply rooted in love, especially when I am hurting?".

I hope the  transparency of where I am at in life helps others find where they are too. It was not easy being honest about how I felt due to the fear of being judged or misunderstood. Things at times seem really confusing if I am being real. The people  that are closest to me, I love very hard and are the most aware of my struggles whether internal or external. Seasons change and so do people including myself... I am very sad at times thinking of what could have been when I remained hopeful for so long. I do understand that sometimes  what I am hearing as a "No" could be a " Not yet" from God , just as a delay is not a denial. Again to all the people I have told "I love you" looking back I know I really meant it and showed it the best way I knew how. I hope that I too can believe that those people dearly loved me just as much as they said they did.

"Every person you meet knows something you don't; learn from them"

I'm in the process of restarting my heart because honestly it was not postured correctly for me to be in the most receptive state. Things (what ever they may be)  are going to hurt you for the rest of your life physically, mentally, and emotionally;  how you decide to heal from them is what allows forward movement. I realized that I've been in denial about certain areas that still needed some deep cleaning; spot cleaning my spirit was not enough. It is almost like your house... daily cleaning is nice and keeps your environment from getting overly messing but nothing compares to the refreshing you get from deep cleaning your living space. Spiritually I have been trying to overcome a lot alone because it seemed as if I didn't have anyone else to help me. I was lost and longing for a sense of community, specifically a community with the same values and desire to grow in all areas of life. I hope as I continue to heal myself I can be a vessel that leads other people to be led to their own healing. As much as I enjoy being a leader I can recognize when it is time to be a follower. Everyone deserves to experience true peace and love- I want to share that with others.

"Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible."

I feel lately like my heart is hurting in ways my tongue wouldn't dare to let me speak. I don't know what seems to be holding me back. I know how I feel but who other than myself and God can truly understand the internal  battles I am fighting without the use of so many  words. I am struggling, yet in so many ways I am also thriving.  I can expect to live in moments of joy and peace, despite the storm surrounding me. I step away from confusion while leaning into the unknown. Both lack clarity but at least when I walk somewhere new I have the opportunity to expand and grow. I am thankful for new relationships and I am terrified to let go of the old. Some days I unclench my fists to release, relieve, and realize.  So much good is happening every day and I want to be able to see more of it in the world without being naive of the battles being fought around me - in me. I ask questions beginning with Why and How, when I need to be asking What. So many good things happening... That is what I will focus on. I don't ignore my hurt and instead remain patient in my healing. I know I am headed the right direction and will continue to remain steadfast in my growth (spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally).  When I feel like I am being crushed by the weight of the world I fall to my knees let it all out. I scream, cry, and allowing trapped emotions/ thoughts to spew out to the man above. I know the Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in the spirit. If anything is certain, it is God keeping his hand on me; walking with me day in and out. Hopefully, the next episode I can have the freedom to speak my truth a little bit better, but for now let's be patient with Caira together. Celebrating where I have been and where I have yet to go. Thank you!

Over the years I have learned various things about myself, one of those being that I am a "why" person. Even on rare occasion I love to ask the question "how" in order to better understand the process of how a situation began in one place and has progressed its way into another. Recently, I have come to the realization that it  isn't my job to understand how every minute detail comes together. If I had the ability to understand the big picture all the time, I would probably drive myself crazy. Trust in God and yourself is built in navigating the unknown while confidence in your ability to make it through the difficult moments develops as you overcome all the challenges in life that seem to want take you out from under your feet. Growth by no means is linear.  At times it is hard for me to recognize when I have grown in a particular area because it doesn't match the story I have created for myself in my mind; to me the best moments are when I am finally able to see that I am living out a season that turned better than I originally imagined it to be. Some days I feel like I'm crushing it to only be humbled in the next moment. Life is really about embracing the highs and the lows and finding appreciation in both while also showing gratitude for the seasons when you are in that sweet middle. I am just grateful that my life is not my own and that God has taken care of me every single step along the way. I am thankful for the people who have supported me and will continue to make space for more new things to come.

No longer pissed and still positive. MLK weekend gave me a reality check in all areas of my life.  Things have been a bit foggy in my head. Slightly confusing at times. It genuinely seemed like I was driving on a dark, narrow highway with dim headlights but thankfully I made it to my destinations safely. As I was listening to the recording I realized I started a story and never finished it, so be ready for me to come back around at the end and sliding in the rest of the story in (Hahaha)... <--- how did you read that? Anyways, life can be rough but always find/make time to laugh and smile. I appreciate those who asked "When are dropping the next episode?" it kind of pulled me out of my "funk". I didn't know what I wanted to say and felt like there wasn't room in my schedule to speak to guys; boy was I wrong. I tried some new things while recording this ( change in environment, glass of wine, video recorded episode) and it was definitely more of my usual vibe. It didn't seem so serious and I felt-light hearted sharing what's been going despite how tiring my day was. I am really proud of not giving up on my goals and allowing my vision of my future to expand and be more inclusive. I am grateful for the hard things I go through and the peace/joy the good times bring. I am proud of me.

Can you be pissed off and still have a positive mindset? I am asking a genuine question... I have been running into block days these past few days with my courses for the Spring semester. Roadblocks are inconvenient and quite honestly annoying, so what do you do when you can only go forward and turning back isn't an option? I apologize in advance if the audio is a little loud in some areas. Your girl was highly upset but prior to recording I did some breathing exercises, listened to some praise music and got right with Jesus, ate a snacky snack, and really asked myself what am I wanting to say this moment. I was angry y'all and I am not ashamed to admit. The things I am struggling with will pass like all things and I know I need to stick to my guns and continue to fight for my goals/dreams. Nevertheless, we will honor my anger (which is neither good or bad in my opinion) and allow Caira to release some tension for the next thirty minutes. Thanks in advance!
***Also I didn't go kayaking,  take a nap , or do more school work. After I finished recording I got a text from my job asking if I was on the way. I was scheduled to work and had mixed up the days. Sigh... so much for time management but hey good things can still happen today.***   

**Trigger Warning**It's a new year and a new season of Unsilenced Truths! Why is it a new season you may ask... I don't know it just smelled like a fresh start in the air ;) This episode I opened up about my sexual assault from 2020 and the impact it had on my life. What prompted this topic was my desire to be a bit more transparent about some of my  darker life experiences but also watching the interview I did with Jalaycia and @thesocialrecipe (on instagram) in light of Sexual Assault Awareness month (April). I appreciated the platform that I had been provided to speak my truth and spread awareness about being assaulted because that had truly changed my life. It got worse before it got better but new positive experiences and habits have stemmed from this which I have gratitude for. In watching that interview, I realized that it was my first time mentioning the idea of having my own podcast *wink wink* and the underlying theme we discussed was being open and vulnerable enough to speak MY truth. A truth that I had felt was being silenced by the company I worked for, a past significant other, my own fears and doubts, and my peers ( people wanting to protect and stand by my assailant). Navigating how to take legal action was very difficult and ultimately, my case was dropped due to lack of evidence. Everything was effected from my graduation date (medically withdrew from classes multiple semesters) to me temporarily giving up on my passion of being a personal trainer. I fell to alcoholism and smoking weed to cope with the anxiety, depression, grief, and lack of self-esteem. However, with time, patience, friendship, counseling, solid support, perseverance, and God I am in a much better place than I was before mentally, physically, and emotionally. Hell... even spiritually. I admire my resilience and courage. I have grown beautifully despite the roller coaster ride of healing and life. I am grateful that my story can help others and I hope Sexual Assault Awareness month means something to you now without it having to actually happen to your or a loved one. Thank you...

"Somehow I just can't say enough how much I appreciate you being in the world"
"I think one of my favorite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing halfway through how much you enjoy them and their existence" 
"Find somebody who shares your definition of love"

This episode here honestly made me feel like throwing up for the majority of the time I was speaking. It was scary and little embarrassing sharing this however,  after recording I had a sudden sense of peace. I often get nervous at the level of vulnerability I allow on this podcast but hey it is called Unsilenced Truths for a reason. Please be kind..... I did not have an intended direction with what I was saying; the goal was ultimately to get some feelings off my chest and a few spinning thoughts out of my head. Love sounds so different depending on who you ask to describe it. I often find it difficult to get clear guidance in the Love department of life because how it is experienced and demonstrated is extremely subjective to each individual. Two people in the same love story can experience in two entirely different ways. Love to ME has  appeared in many ways with numerous definitions but thank you God for a clear illustration of what it ACTUALLY looks like (1 Corinthians 13). Thank you for anyone who has given/ showed me their love and to those who I have told "I love you" I hope you know I meant it.