Unsilenced Truths

" Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" 1 Corinthians 13:7

This episode was released at a later date than it was recorded.  On May 8th, I verbally provided my victim statement at an expungement hearing for my rape case ( 3 years after it took place). My sexual assault was a heavy weight that I had been carrying for a long time prior to the Freedom encounter at church and I am grateful for all the young ladies and gentleman who supported me at my hearing. It was nice to have familiar faces and hugs to receive after the judge made his decision to grant the expungement ( he was definitely on my side though in his heart). I appreciated the encouragement, prayer, and love they gifted me. I know this is not the end of my story and my experiences will be a testimony to help others. It is unfortunate how poorly structured our judicial system is and the lack of preparation I felt leading up to my hearing even just seconds before it started. Despite, the uncertainty I showed up for 19 year old and 23 year old Caira in the best way I could. I can whole heartedly say that God held me up through that process and has continued to carry me in the days following. So many blessings are coming in and have arrived. Despite "losing" I feel as if I came out winning because I did... Love Won! When I left the court room and thanked God for all that he had done I received the most love I had ever felt in my life. I finally felt contentment in that moment after embracing each person and individually thanking them for the support they showed me. I fought a good fight and I was not alone. Praying friends are great friends to have. Thank you God for everything you have given me. Love never fails.

I am admitting it; I can not do life without Jesus. I need peace that surpasses all understanding! I need someone to have control of the things outside of myself because being responsible for me is a full-time job, costing more than it pays some days. I am grateful to be where I am in my life currently but to say it's been easy would be a lie. I am being transformed and who I will be on the other side is daunting and exciting. God please do a good work in me. Help my life show fruit that is evident of your presence in it. Prayer is a powerful thing and you have nothing without hope and love. God won't allow life to break you just leave you broken. He is a God of Restoration and will mold you into something better than before. He will even show you off to the world while smiling, pleased with what he has made. Everything of God is Good we just have to believe it and choose to see it.

"Stop trying to calm the storm. Calm yourself. The storm will pass"

Having guests on the podcasts has been so much fun. I have enjoyed listening to other people's perspective on the topics I discuss. It reminds me that there are other people who understand what I am going through or have the answers to questions I have been asking myself and God.  I need to get back to doing things that allow me to feel grounded and connected. So this upcoming week I intend to find my way back to Caira and will be fasting. I just need to re-center myself and rest. Then I will continue to take strides in  the race God has set out for me.
 
Take time to process your emotions in a healthy manner.

Rachael will be launching her own podcast Love  Rae some time in May, so make sure you give her content a listen  when she publishes her episodes. I am proud of her for  creating a platform for her to share her experiences and perspective with the world. I admire her willingness to be vulnerable, grow, and give her insight on life.  I am grateful for development of our friend and will honor the position you have allowed me to have in your life to witness your healing journey and walk with Christ.

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"

I would love to give a special thank you to Reighan Sheppard. She is the first guest ever on the Unsilenced Truths podcast and it was such a honor to have her. We had such an amazing time going in-depth on topics that had been weighing on our minds for awhile. Hopefully we are able to upload the full visual recording for you guys to watch. I enjoyed the process of creating a nice and comfortable set up. It was a pleasure to have intimate conversation over mugs of peppermint tea. I appreciate Reighan's professionalism and admired the way she presented her topics and expanded on them. Our conversation served as a reminder of the importance of having healthy connections and how relationships are our most important and accessible resources .

"It does not matter how slow you are going as long as you do not stop" 
I don't even know what message I was trying to get across to y'all this episode. I just wanted to share my story and where I am at mentally. Last week was definitely a high I never wanted to come down especially after coming out of such a dark time. I was reminded that just as the bad times don't last forever neither do the good. Things change in the moment but how you interpret the experience determined how you categorize it. I cried and cried yesterday. I didn't realize the anger that was stored up. Healing comes in waves and I am sure that it wasn't due to a total lack of a positive mindset but the fatigue I was experiencing mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I needed rest. I was trying to maintain the momentum I had created for myself and wanted to use my productivity to the max. However, my body said other wise and once I physically could not do anything my emotions surfaced and well... I had swollen eyelids and dried snot on my face for 6-7 hours. In the process of trying to take care of everything else I neglected me and was mad that my  needs weren't being met through others. It is hard finding a balance of carrying what is yours and sharing the load. I find myself jumping from extreme ends of asking for assistance or isolating. I don't want to be too much or a burden, but on the other side of that coin I have no issue making it known my needs or seeking help from people who I trust can/would help me. It seems to me right now  relationships are weird and tricky but are my most valued resource. Communication and vulnerability is key. Closed mouths do not get fed.

Learn when to say no! 

• April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month! While being assaulted is not your fault, you do have the responsibility of healing and finding a healthy way of moving forward. I encourage anyone who has been sexually assaulted to find someone safe to talk about your experience(s) with preferably a professional. Doing the internal work is hard but staying where you are at is even harder in the long run. You owe it to yourself to heal.
• God is so good. Lately, I have been trying to learn all the names of God and the meanings behind them. It helps me look at God as more than just a spiritual father and a provider but also a God of peace, the Almighty, a Shepherd and much more. I have been working on not limiting my beliefs in what God is able to show up and do in my life no matter how big or small. My God is a God of Miracles- one who is capable of doing more than I could imagine.
• Just because you can does not mean you should! Not every opportunity presented is one that should be taken advantage of. There is power in saying No. I am reminded that no is a full sentence despite only being one word. No is a sufficient answer without an explanation being provided.
• Don't abort the promise of your call for convenience. I said it slightly wrong in the podcast but that is what the episode description is for lol. Be patient in the process of preparation you will be grateful for everything you have gone through in the end. God shows his glory through you just be a willing vessel.

"The outcome is God's job, the obedience is yours"
We have made it to a third season! I am so grateful for the opportunity to share my journey with you guys no matter what it looks like in the moment. 

I think this episode really speaks for itself. Open up your mind and eyes to signs that are being given to you daily. That tug on your heart just might be the nudge you have been waiting for to take action. Those soft whispers in your head with life giving thoughts that may seem to go against your norm can lead to quality of life better than you imagined. We constantly ask for signs and they could be the billboard you pass everyday on the way to work or a radio commercial you heard in  the car. It could be that piece of advice you refuse to take heed to because "it couldn't possibly apply to your situation". Don't box yourself in and be willing to take risks. The willingness to step out of your comfort zone into the unknown is daunting but when you have God on your side nothing is impossible. 

My obedience is the cross I have chosen to carry instead of the weight of the past and what was. Growing up I struggled with doing as I was told especially if I did not know the why, what or how. In season 2, I had to learn to trust God and move on his command wether I knew I was executing it right or not. Now as we enter season 3, I am learning to trust my own judgement and trust that God trusts Me with the assignments he has placed in my hands. I am not alone and I will not fail. Life is not perfect and there are many things I do not fully understand but I will remain in my lane and run my race. I am not running behind, instead I am right where I need to be. When I am obedient I am a vessel for God to work through and witness to his greatness. Within my obedience I am presented opportunities to share my testimony, live a life within His will for me, and I receive the answers to questions with the understanding that delayed does not mean denied. God's timing is perfect. God's provision is enough. God's love is healing and how comforting is it to know that someone who knows you better than yourself has plans for you to succeed! Success looks a lot of different ways but if you seek first the kingdom, everything else can fall into place.
"Obedience allows God's blessings to flow without constraint"
Read Matthew 6

I am doing this for me...

Life has been extremely hard lately, but every day I recognize the areas I have been prepared and where I am being prepared. Oddly enough, I have regained some of my joy back. Laughter does the soul wonders.

This season has been full of accountability, breakthrough, self-discovery, and revelation. I grateful for the experiences despite the pain that came with refinement. I asked myself today, "Is it possible that love is enough?". The right type of love of course- straight from the source. "God is Love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them" (1 John 4:16). If the love we exhibited to ourselves and to each other was strictly based on the characteristics of what God says it is and not through the distorted perceptions of humanity, I think it would be enough. A Love that is patient and kind. A love that does not envy or boast and isn't proud. A Love that is not self-seeking, easily angered or keeps records of wrongs. A Love that does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. A love that always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. A Love that never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

As this season ends and transitions into the next, I am reminded of God's faithfulness and have learned to trust Him and myself better. I want to give myself the best of me and do what is best for me. Changing the world starts with changing yourself and I  understand that I am called to shine and be a light to others. Anything is possible and I never want to forget that. 

I will love for I am loved. I will forgive for I have been forgiven. I will give for I have been given to. I am a child of God. I am. I can. I will. In Jesus name, Amen.

pivot (v) use with object : to modify (a policy, opinion, product, etc.) while retaining some continuity with its previous version.

It is good to be intentional, create goals, and plan a course of action to have a direction to move towards in life. However, one's ability to pivot and redirect his or herself can assist with navigating change. God's timing is not reliant on the timeline we have created for ourselves. While planning and organization are great skills to have, it is important to be aware of how your steps are aligning with the circumstances you are currently in. What worked in one moment may not work in the next. The strategy you used in previous months may need to be updated for the season you are in now. It is easy to want to feel like you are supposed to be constantly doing something to ensure that life is going "right". Have you ever considered that despite all of your preparation things might still inevitably hit the fan? Ultimately, drastically changing your course in life. There is a saying "to plan for the worse and hope for the best". My dad tells me "your highest level of preparation is where you fall when things go wrong". Those two pieces of advice have been extremely helpful allowing me to approach life differently and elevate. Though I find myself most frustrated or caught by surprise when what I should be doing is nothing at all. "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Certain areas of life are just simply out of our control and manipulating the situation for a specific outcome can do more harm than good. Patience is not always about how long you wait but how well you wait. Now I enjoy the extra downtime to do the internal work and some soul searching.

In the particular example of connect four, I was so use to my winning strategy working that I focused on the execution of the strategy rather than watching my opponent's moves more carefully. "Lol. Yeah you were too locked in on your strategy" instantly became a reminder to not be so narrow minded or have tunnel vision. As a MMA fighter I should known better but life has a way of giving you nudges to re-evaluate your actions. Thank you Lando for being such a good friend, a source of encouragement, and a sound mind to entertain life questions. You are appreciated and I am grateful to have met you!

"Joy is a decision; a really brave one about how you are going to respond to life".

In the beginning of the episode you heard me singing the worship song Gold  by Jesus Culture in attempt to strengthen my resolve and lean on God in a time of deep emotional pain. This past week or two I have been fighting depression. Which was difficult for me to admit to myself since I try my absolute best to not allow myself to easily fall into that dark pit. Sporadically throughout college and as a teenager,  I struggled with suicidal thoughts, depression, high functioning anxiety, and PTSD stemming from trauma including various forms of assault. I had all the tools necessary to get through these last several days bruised but not broken. I am grateful for community (small groups, friends, and like-minded people), the bible (instruction manual), healing (physically and mentally), music (so many talented artists and performers) and grit. These factors allowed this battle to be very different than what I am accustomed to. It was not the worse it has ever been, yet the fight to not give up on myself is what seemed to challenge me the most. I couldn't allow myself to slip away this time. I just needed to make it to the other side even if that meant taking life one breath at a time. Yes, I said breath. 

My heart was so heavy but I reminded myself that I have to respond to life from my spiritual practice (Christianity) rather than my emotional programming. I needed God to help me stand firm in who we (Him and I) knew myself to be. Other people's opinion about me couldn't matter. I can only focus on how I felt about myself, my feelings toward others and how I chose to handle a life that only I was living. It is critical to be surrounded by people who can speak life into you. People who take time out their day to pray for you and let you know you're not alone. People who bring you solutions that not only help but heal you too.

*I am publishing this episode a week after recording for reference* To allow yourself to fall apart for the sake of being rebuilt can be a very painstaking process. Though I was inclined to run away from uncomfortable emotions I continued to walk towards the unknown. Despite difficulties, I found gratitude in things big and small; acknowledging  the value in the experiences I was having. I wasn't trying to be in control anymore and had thrown my hands in the air in surrender.  I no longer desired the responsibility of completely controlling my life and everything around me (as if I could in the first place). Thank you those who allow me to fully let my guard down and remind me of my best qualities. Thank you to those who provide a safe space for me share my burdens and push me towards places of restoration. Life is not the most fulfilling currently and there are multiple lessons to be learned in that. The key is to keep dancing even if the music stops and move to your own tune.

"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance. And if you get the chance to sit out or dance, I hope you dance" - Lee Ann Womack