This week Enterprise fans get the chance to watch their favourite show with Jonathan and Marina sitting next to them on the couch, which only raises enraging and bewildering questions like Is any of this even real? and Does any of this actually matter? (to which the answers are of course not and if you like, respectively). Meanwhile, Trip is forced to sacrifice himself to ensure that Archer gets the chance to participate in the foundation of the Federation, without which, to be honest, none of us would even be here. Probably.

Basically nothing happens on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine this week, as Nathan undergoes a religious experience which inspires him to be terribly nice to people for a change, while Joe anticipates failing to win a major podcasting award. Still, sometimes it’s just nice to hang out with the people you love, isn’t it?

A return to the realm of cheap Saturday-morning-cartoon Trek, where the only person apparently putting in any effort is Master of Dialect, Jimmy Doohan. This week, we find ourselves in a universe where space is white, stars are black, people age backwards, women give birth to large old men, and the Enterprise crew are listless, lifeless and dull.

This week, we watch an dreadful hour of Star Trek — cheap, mawkish and absolutely absurd — but we end up enjoying ourselves enormously. Have we found a fatal flaw at the entire heart of the Untitled Star Trek Project?

A few tense moments this week, as a fragrant dikironium vampire kills a bunch of redshirts before threatening some characters with names and ultimately the Enterprise itself. But the real suspense comes from an entirely different direction: Will this episode teeter over the edge of camp into baffling semicompetence? Will Kirk’s obsession turn him from a jovial and beloved authority figure into a massive idiot? Will any cue from the Star Trek music library go unused? (No, no and no, fortunately.)

It’s four weeks until the Deep Space Nine finale, and so it’s time for a momentous and operatic episode, an episode full of subtext and thoughtful performances, and an episode that deals a killing blow to two crumbling empires and changes the status quo forever. In short: an episode that exemplifies everything that makes us love Deep Space Nine.

Captain Lynne Lucero (Rosa Salazar) can’t wait to take command of the USS Cabot as it heads off to the Klingon border to save some settlers from a planetary famine. But that’s before she meets walking HR disaster Edward Larkin (H. Jon Benjamin) and his viviparous and prolific sidekick (Tribleustes ventricosus). Hijinks, as usual, ensue.

This week, but in the thirty-second century, two people face each other across a poker table. The man’s unbearable loss has made him resolute, and the woman remains resolute despite the loss she is about to suffer. And somewhere far away, in a distant, isolated, unreasonable space at the very edge of the Galaxy, Something — implacable? incomprehensible? — is waiting to judge what they do next.

The absence of Robin Williams and the presence of Rick Berman are both keenly felt this week, as a normal day at the office for the Enterprise-D becomes merely a mildly diverting day at the office. The cause: an elegantly named time-travelling confidence trickster, who nicks a bunch of stuff so he can put it on eBay and pretends that everything here is much more thrilling than it actually is. Let’s say three-and-a-half stars, but two of those stars are for Marina Sirtis’s performance.

This week, we discover to our surprise that there’s a lot to enjoy in a flawed and ultimately unsuccessful episode episode of Deep Space Nine — two wonderful guest actresses, some (largely) cringe-free sexiness, and a mature and gentle romance. Meanwhile, some TV writers imagine a just reward for their life of constant backbreaking labour.