Donkey Kong is trapped. Make no bones about it. The jungle is his hell and he is forced to endure it. His captors: Funky Kong, a Kong that is so funky it does not register on the funkotronic scale, and Diddy Kong, a hellspawn designed by Satan’s intern. Together, they control everything Donkey Kong sees and does. Go on a treasure hunt, Donkey Kong. Dance with us, Donkey Kong. Dig the hole for our glorious leader, Donkey Kong. There is nothing left in the soul of our hero. He is only forced to go on their whims. We, the viewers are trapped as his only companion. Let’s go on this treasure hunt together.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s got a pocket for all that lotion. John Hurst is your co-host and he is doing the secret handshake to end the podcast while typing this post up because he is very talented.

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It’s 1995. You have found the end of Dollywood. It’s in the woods! Why is it in the woods! You don’t know. You just know it’s looking less like a theme park and more…. Wood-like. There’s an Eagle Sanctuary nearby that says Dollywood and the ride has the Butterfly logo on it, but is that enough to trust it? You think quietly for a moment and think “Yes. If Dolly Parton says it is, then it must be. You know better than to question it. You enter the wooden coaster entrance and grab out your VHS Camcorder. This time, you are going to record it for posterity for the alt.entertainment.rides.coasters usenet. The tapes will circulate very well for such an obscure coaster in East Tennessee and you know it. You hit record. You hear a scream from the nearby Blazing Fury. You know they just dodged death. You smile. Life is good.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s got the best fastpass options on lock. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s just having one. One!

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It’s AMERICA’S GAME! Accept it! Accept its place in the heart of America! Specifically three contestants at a time who can win fabulous prizes! Spin the wheel! Feel valued! Lose it all and start all over again! It’s Wheel of Fortune! What, you think you have to try?! This ain’t Jeopardy! Just say a letter! If it’s a vowel, we make you pay for it! It’s your damn fault for using so many vowels in English! This is America’s Tax! Or Game! The Tax Game! Play it! Now!

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he reviews the latest regional milk craze and then reviews it again with a twist. John Hurst is your co-host and can’t stop talking about soup.

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Chicago! Line on up! Come get your slam dunked submarine sandwich, made specially by the Chicago Bulls! Small Forward Scottie Pippen is making them hot off the basket! Mystical sandwich powers can be a curse, but the Bulls make the curse look so very good! Even better than a newspaper from the future? Well, that’s up for debate. It’s kind of like the Green Lantern but…. Sandwiches.

This is a weird episode.

John Hurst is your host this week and he smells clove cigarettes at the airport. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and Subway’s subliminal ads are working a little too well on him.

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Snowman are cute until you realize they have teeth. They don’t teach that in science and biology. Not because they don’t want you to know but because you have to find out the horrifying truth for yourself. Every person has to come across that, much like you on the highway trying to find any sort of liquid to parch your throat. You have teeth. They have teeth. You share common ground now. You reach for the same Nestea soft tea drink. And then you both scream. It’s the same cadence. The same terror. The same tea.

Drink the (nes)tea.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and and he’s not sleeping in the gasoline house. John Hurst is your co-host and he is regretting his decision for unlimited regional soda.

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20 yards away there is a bear. It’s running at you. You’re not sure though. You need to use math and you’re math, for lack of a better word, is faulty. You got your bear spray with you and you’re not afraid to use it. You just want to make sure you’re not wasting it. The bear would not appreciate you wasting it. You certainly don’t to waste it in case because otherwise you will experience the full wrath of the bear running at you. It’s just mutual trust in a conflict, really. What if we could make it happen in a way that makes it easy to understand the distance though? A way that only 90s kids will know. Yes, that’s the ticket. Sorry, people who experiences the 80s, 00s and beyond. Your time is limited. It’s the 90s reign again. And we know how to stop the bears.

First, load Google Maps.

John Hurst is your host this week and and he’s trying to quickly judge distances in the most wrong way possible. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he doesn’t care if he fails Boating Safety in Science, Tennessee. You can’t stop him!

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Look up at the sky! It’s a UFO! Television Opening! Fromm the 70s! Several groups of people in several environments are on the case! Maybe. They’re looking like they are, save for the Sub crew. They’re ready for local goth night on the submarine. You can’t escape goth night, Gary! You gotta listen to Bauhaus and fight aliens with us! There’s no other way. Gary, come on. We’re going to Skydiving later too. I got a coupon. Where you going, Gary? Garrrrryy! Come on, man.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s going to make the taxi service for podcasters. John Hurst is your co-host and he’s trying to spend all this clout.

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Behold! A Nintendo! At your local mega toy store, even! Does that other store have? We say nay! Don’t even look in that trash fire they call a “shoppe”. We know they don’t have it because we of Toys R’ Us say they don’t! We made the deal with Nintendo! It’s our stock! You can’t have it! Unless you want to buy it from us? Then, okay. Maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement. We’ll meet in a secure location. Say, at our Toys R’ Us stores all across the US? Video Game Aisle? Ask for Rex at the video game counter. He’s the one with the knife wounds.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s trying to prevent the aging process by not learning. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he found a loop hole to get out of podcast conversations.

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Freeze, kids! Don’t you move! This is an emergency! A food emergency! We gotta get you the most non-food content your body can technically digest! Here, suck on this hose full of cheese! Then eat the fruit roll up and corn! Your body will eventually make something that resembles nutrition, but for the sake of all that is Holy, you cannot move. And you definitely cannot eat that brownie. THAT BROWNIE IS LAST FOR A REASON. Didn’t you follow the directions on the– oh god they ate the brownie. Get the penguin. Get the damn penguin! Now!

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he is worried about when the fruit roll-up comes into play. John Hurst is your co-host and he loves the flavor of yellow Quantum Juice, full of yellow!

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The 90s were a time. Some humans experienced it and it was okay! Other humans did not and that is okay too. Just know that during that time we had a song by Rednex blaming a Cotton-Eye Joe for not being married some long time ago. The good news is that the 00’s also could experience their dismay towards Cotton-Eye Joe, as long as they were inside a fallout shelter. And singing into a light bulb. That’s all they have in the future. Let them have it. We aren’t going to experience that time and it’s okay. Captain Jack will be there to guide us towards the light, though.

John Hurst is your co-host and he is sad that Crazy Frog is Twitter dead. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s getting the special High School ring made.

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