It’s 1991 and Cindy Crawford has the Official Drink market in an iron fist. America won first blood with making Cindy Crawford hold a Pepsi, but it wouldn’t stop there. Japan had Pocari Sweat and a puma to help sweeten the deal. She was working on the Canada contract soon with her sword training. She had to assert dominance over the other celebrity models after all. She had the Puma trainer’s number too just in case she needed to take out one of them. Or an antelope. Or anything in between now and victory. Life was going all the way up and nobody could stop her. Well, maybe if she could figure out how to avoid being so cold all the damn time. Maybe some sort of cloth thing used to wrap up a human being with insulation. No, there was no time for that. There was only the path forward. The Cindy Path Forward.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s going to be using the void, that’s for damn sure. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s going to need a shovel for all these new situations.

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Summer may be winding down in the real life that you and live in, but it’s still going strong in the Bachelor in Paradise! Why, David Spade is hosting! And they got all these names having fun on the screen! Some of them may be rats habitating a facsimile of a human skin designed to trick the other contestants! Others might be playing volleyball! Fun?!

Except for Demi. We’re not sure what the hell Demi is doing.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s thinking about bee collecting (not keeping.) John Hurst is your co-host this week and he is dispensing sage advice from the depths of his blender.

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When you put Bac-Os on a salad, what you’re really trying to do is resign to fate. The salad is there. You’re going to eat it. You may enjoy eating it! You may not! But you’re probably not the most excited by it. You need something to take your mind off all that saladness. Bac-Os is there for you. It’s suggested by lettuce you’re about to eat and everything. You’re about to commit horrible vegetation atrocities. You might as well have a little fun to go with it. It’s Bac-Os!

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s looking for the most gamer of printers. Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s making the printable steak a thing!

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Captaiinnnnnnn Planet! We’re summoning him with our rings! Our rings of elements! We have to be in close proximity to the other four to do so and unfortunately, we hate the other teens! We’re just going to use our cool water powers to make like a river and flow into the ocean! We don’t need those other elements! We especially don’t need Heart! Wait, what do you mean he is hypnotizing an army to give him cash?

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s insanely good at remembering the names of the Planeteers. John Hurst is your co-host and did consider using the Earth Ring to play SimCity 2000 Land Development in real life. Reticulating splines.

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Grant Nel took the dive like a champ. Hi fives, smiles, the only thing red was probably he back from the failed dive. I mean, what else can you do? When you receive a vision of the future and it is a zero score, you can’t exactly walk back down? You gotta follow through. Accept your fate. At least you know a teenage lifeguard won’t be saving you. You’re safe from the Panel of Uncool for just a little longer.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s putting a little falsetto in his voice to enrage Aaron. Aaron Littleton is your co-host this week and he is being left at the pool mistakenly as the cloned version of himself.

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Here’s your one chance, Fancy! Don’t let me down! Get the nice cat glasses out and let’s eat Viennetta! It has… Layers? Of Dairy? It’s not an ice cream. Legally we can’t call it an ice cream. We can legally say layers though, right? … Our lawyers say to hold off on the layers. Okay, fair enough but the point is it’s got curves and weird little swivel thingies. Like a fancy thing! Rebecca, please put away the steampunk goggles. You’re ruining tea time.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s a two time COVID fighting champ (He’s doing okay!) John Hurst is your co-host and he’s not ready for his big introduction.

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Sometimes, you just need a video of an anime chomping on ice. Just really going to down on that solid water hoping to crush it into a nougat of liquidy water. This is one of those days. You’ve earned it. You’ve made it to this part of the week and we’re so proud that you have. You should hold your head up high and smile at everything you’ve done until this point. Just don’t start counting the clouds and wondering how many units water they may have. You may never be the same!

Also, animals will review you poorly.

John Hurst is your host this week and he’s not quite sure he is remembering the podcast spiel correctly! Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s making the first audio-only sport.

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The damn sound. You can’t escape from it. No matter where you are in the house, it means someone is sneaking on the computer. And that your cleverly laid trap of leaving the pc speaker on at full volume worked. You know they’re about to log onto America Online to chat with their dang internet friends and look at Ranma 1/2 fanfiction. You don’t know what to do with this information, mind you; nothing is wrong with any of that! It just means you know they’re not going sleep well and you can see them the next morning and go “Ah ha hah! Rise and shine, buddy!” or something like that. It helps you get through the day but really you know it’s distracting your from all the plastic baggies you need to fill. A road trip is happening soon. You and your bags of dirt have places to be. You have no time for computer frivolities. The plants need you. The earth will regret you. Only bliss awaits (at another location different from the original bliss.)

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s making a more absorbant plant! John Hurst is your co-host and he’s making a reverse dracula.

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VIDEO GAME HINTS! They’re fast and fun! It’s like an ancient gacha for your phone, except your parents will get even madder at you! Don’t mind the super hero trying to usher you into the St. Paul megadome (St. Paul residents, I am sorry but I’m not looking up your sports arena’s name. I’m sure it is very nice though.) Don’t even mind that it is empty! Just come in and ignore the plants and abnormally large curtains! You’ve got games to beat!

John Hurst is your host this weekend and, yeah, he’d pay $8 to see this commercial live! Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s watching a video essay on this right now.

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At Hidden Valley, the ranch flows unending. There’s just too much of it. We need to use it in more and more creative ways, but it means we all must make sacrifices. The ice cream truck? Gone. It’s now full of vegetables (and ranch dressing.) The children? They must enjoy the ranch as well. If they do not, they’re not effective and they’re BANISHED from the Valley of Hidden. We must all do our part. Bring in the big bowl. Stick your fist in it. Lick the ranch from your knuckles. It’s ranch or be ranch’d, buckos.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s re-ranching his lawn this week. John Hurst is your co-host and he’s getting gaslit very easily!!

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