Originally Published February 25, 2018 under the Just Us Women podcast title.Joy Hopper (Pseudonym) was born into a family with a twin sister and three older brothers. Her dad was an alcoholic and, as a result, drove her mom into the arms another man. Her mother moved out of state with the hopes of coming back for the three youngest, after she got settled and on her feet, financially. But before that could happen Joy and her siblings all ended up in foster care due to severe neglect and her dad’s second DUI. One day, two social workers pulled up and Joy and her twin sister got into one car, her brother into another while the two older boys had been sent on an errand. When they came back they were gone. No good-byes no closure. Just gone. Joy and her twin landed on a farm out in the country, in rural Idaho and were adopted by a devoutly religious, Pentecostal family. They never saw their brothers or anyone else in the family again for the rest of their childhood.Joy has fond memories of the Assemblies of God church they attended. The church was where they felt loved and accepted. As a teen, the church became increasingly pivotal as Joy fully embraced the message of being in the world but not “of” it. She was the compliant and obedient daughter that every other Christian parent wanted their own children to emulate. Essentially, church was the place where she didn’t feel like a freak.As she got into high school, every minister, traveling evangelist and TV preacher talked about the imminent return of Christ. Joy’s fear of missing the rapture kept her locked in to the church and Bible reading and prayer at a heightened level. It was also this fear that fueled her decision to go to Bible College in North Dakota.For the next three decades, she followed Jesus with her whole heart, mind, and strength. Joy played the piano on the worship team, wrote children’s musicals for Christmas and Easter, taught Sunday school, assisted her husband as a care group leader’s wife, did missionary work, home schooled her kids.The unraveling began just a few years ago, when her oldest daughter came home from traveling in Europe for a year. She started talking about Christians in third person and Joy felt such a tremendous wave of sadness and panic. There was NO WAY she would let any of her six kids get ensnared by the devil. She felt she had to win her back to Jesus! Her biggest issue for de-converting was the concept of Hell. On her journey in Europe, Joy’s daughter had met and befriended the most amazing people and they all happened to be atheists. She said, she could never believe in a god who would condemn perfectly decent, kind, caring, honest people simply for not having enough evidence to believe. So, Joy started digging deep and researching the doctrine of Hell and from there her ironclad foundation started to shake. She didn’t lose faith because she walked away from God or took her eyes off him. Instead, she lost faith when she pressed in and looked MORE closely– sincerely looking for answers to help her daughter.Joy has spent the last three years reflecting and processing this journey by writing a memoir of her spiritual formation and eventual collapse. It’s called, Joy Unspeakable: Toxic Faith and Rose-Colored Glasses. It’s in the process of getting published and will come out later this year from Page Publishing.Joy uses the metaphor of rose-colored glasses to describe how she saw the world, with Jesus in it. When she was finally able to take off the glasses, the world looked very different.Joy felt she had been hiding behind an avatar her entire life, a representation of herself that was merely a conduit of the Holy Spirit. When the glasses came off, belief system in a pile of ruins,