We Date Modern - The Podcast

On the podcast we’ve referenced the power of sexual intimacy in Christian dating quite a bit (check out our deep dive into sexual trauma or our interview with Pastor Brandon Watts on Christian dating and modern sexuality if you want to hear more). But let’s not neglect the power of emotional and spiritual intimacy on a relationship as well. Often I find in my work with couples that it’s easy to slip into pseudo-dating relationships or a toxic dynamic of codependence when two people push the boundaries of healthy emotional connection.

On today’s episode, I sat down with Kimberly Weaver, a Christian woman living and working in ministry in New York City. She gives us a very honest and vulnerable peek into her dating life, and she shares how past experiences of rushing in too deep have led to disappointment in relationship.

Episode highlights:

• Kim shares why she thinks God may be “hiding her” in dating

• How to trust God in the process and get out of your own way in dating

• Chanel shares Pete Scazzero’s concept of being “indifferent to the outcome”

• What emotional intimacy may look like in relationship and when it strays into an area of unhealth

• How a healthy knowledge of self is important so we’re aware of our triggers that might drive us to latch onto unhealthy relationships

• The power of spiritual intimacy and praying with our partner

• The value of accountability in our church communities and friendships

Are you subscribed to our podcast? If not, subscribe today on iTunes or Stitcher so you never miss an episode! We would also be so grateful if you left us a review over on iTunes so other people can join the conversation and explore Christian dating just like you. Just click here to review in less than 15 seconds. You can click the star ratings (obviously a 5-star hehe) and "Write a Review" to let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you so much and we'll see you next week on the podcast!

• Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero

• The Emotionally Healthy Leader by Peter Scazzero

• Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

• We Date Modern Facebook Group

Talking about sex in the church is often considered taboo. Most pastors completely avoid the conversation and when the topic of sex does come up, it’s often relegated to a quick condemnation of pornography or an encouragement to go put on a True Love Waits wristband. And while we understand the value of abstinence and recognize the destructive nature of pornography, there are a whole host of other legitimate questions Christian adults are asking about modern sex and dating.

So imagine how refreshing it was for us when we found out about Pastor Brandon Watts of Epiphany Church in Brooklyn. This past summer his church hosted an open and explicit conversation on Christianity and modern sexuality called Sex Rewired.

For one night only, the church invited single and married Christians to come forward to honestly discuss sexual struggles. They laid a biblical foundation for sexual intimacy and answered questions on the top issues people in the church were facing. For example, they talked about everything from masturbation to homosexuality and the biblical perspective of oral sex. Can Christians give blow jobs? Yep, they talked about it.

The conversation went for hours and it was standing room only. The event was such a success that Epiphany Church will be hosting a follow-up event sometime in 2019. In the meantime if you want to host a conversation about sex in your community, Chanel regularly facilitates these talks. Visit our Speaking page to plan an event with her.

We couldn’t wait to sit down with Pastor Brandon for a candid conversation about sex for our listeners. This is an episode you’re going to want to bookmark, listen to again, and share with a friend.

Episode highlights:

• Pastor Brandon Watts shares how he met his wife Ty. They’ve been married for 16 years! (Sneak peek: he asked her out in real life.)

• How the habit of avoiding real conversation and sliding into someone’s DMs is sabotaging your dating life

• Why Epiphany thought it was important to host the Sex Rewired event and why churches can be bolder in presenting a biblically rooted perspective on sex

• How sending a message that sex is bad can make the experience of sex within marriage difficult

• Why men aren’t the only people who struggle with pornography

• Pastor Brandon describes the concept of Gospel-centered sex

• The impossibility of experiencing sex from a biblical perspective without the protection of the covenant of marriage and why hookup culture inevitably falls short

• What it means for sex to be a covenant renewal ceremony

• The importance of accountability when you’re trying to pursue sexual purity

Want to host a conversation about sex in your church or community? We are ready to help you be a trailblazer. Chanel regularly facilitates group discussions on modern sex and gives talks on Christian sexuality. Book her for your next event by visiting our speaking page. We can also host a number of other conversations with your group. Let’s renew the culture around dating together!

Are you subscribed to our podcast? If not, subscribe today on iTunes or Stitcher so you never miss an episode! We would also be so grateful if you left us a review over on iTunes so other people can join the conversation and explore Christian dating just like you. Just click here to review in less than 15 seconds. You can click the star ratings (obviously a 5-star hehe) and "Write a Review" to let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you so much and we'll see you next week on the podcast!

• Epiphany Church Brooklyn - Pastor Brandon Watts’ church in Brooklyn, NY

• Follow along on Instagram - @wedatemodern | @chanel.dokun | @b_wattz | @epiphanybrooklyn

• The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller

• Relationship Coaching with Chanel Dokun

Have you ever dated someone outside of your ethnicity? What was that experience like for you?

We’ve found that dating someone who does not share your cultural background can be a beautiful experience. In the tension of our differences, we get to engage the rich diversity of humanity. However, dating a person of a different culture can also trigger conflict and present unique challenges for how to connect.

In today’s episode, Chanel is sitting down with clinical psychologist Jennifer Chen to discuss cross-cultural dating and generally, how we can build emotional health in relationships. We’ve also got a great episode bonus you can download now packed with tips on how to communicate well in any relationship! If you’ve never heard two therapists sit down and have a conversation, you’re in for a treat. This is one of the most soothing episodes you’ll hear for some time!

Chanel and Jennifer previously worked together by hosting racial reconciliation workshops around New York City. The topic of race and cultural identity is near and dear to their hearts and that’s evident as they apply that lens to the space of love.

By the way, for the purposes of this podcast episode we’re trying to be attentive to the differences between terms like race, ethnicity, and culture. Borrowing from Lisa Sharon Harper’s breakdown of these terms in The Very Good Gospel (it’s a must read!) we’re defining these terms as follows:

• Race is a political construct created by humans to determine who can exercise power within a governing structure

• Ethnicity is about group identity, heritage, language, place and common group experience over time.

• Culture is a sociological and anthropological term that refers to the beliefs, norms, rituals, arts, and worldviews of particular people groups in a particular place at a particular time.

Episode highlights:

• Jennifer outlines some of the cultural differences that can arise when dating someone from a different background

• The importance of communication and talking about your own cultural expectations when dating someone of a different ethnicity

• Chanel shares what she learned from dating and marrying her husband who is Nigerian-American

• Why the conversation around cultural differences needs to be intentional particularly when people of color are dating someone who is white

• The value of maintaining a posture of curiosity when going into an interracial dating situation rather than fear or frustration

• What the book of Relevation says about the way people of all cultures connect

• Why you need to identify core cultural values and customs so you can communicate these with your partner

• How to navigate different communication styles when you’re in a relationship with someone

• What it means to listen incarnationally

• How dating someone of another culture can trigger feelings of loss

• The beautiful opportunity to create a new culture as you blend your life with another person

During this podcast episode, we talk a lot about communication. Pretty meta, huh? In light of that, we put together a little bonus for you that outlines some of the best communications tips for you to use with someone you’re dating or with anyone you’re in a relationship with no matter the status. Grab it now so you can take your communication skills to the next level!

Are you subscribed to our podcast? If not, subscribe today on iTunes or Stitcher so you never miss an episode! We would also be so grateful if you left us a review over on iTunes so other people can join the conversation and explore Christian dating just like you. Just click here to review in less than 15 seconds. You can click the star ratings (obviously a 5-star hehe) and "Write a Review" to let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you so much and we'll see you next week on the podcast!

• The Very Good Gospel by Lisa Sharon Harper

• Communication Tips from We Date Modern

Ready to shake up your dating experience?

A couple of weeks ago we invited you to take the We Date Modern Dating Challenge. The idea was that you would spice up your love life by leaping out of your comfort zone to ask a guy out on a simple coffee date. We liked to think of it as exposure therapy, or a way of intentionally desensitizing you to the experience of initiating romantic contact with a prospective partner.

Hands down the biggest complaint we hear from Christian women at We Date Modern is that men are not stepping up to date. You can listen to our past episode about why men aren’t stepping up now. While there are many reasons for men to hesitate, we wanted to put you back in the driver’s seat of your own love life.

Some of you were bold and took the challenge. You get a gold star and cool points in heaven. Others (cough - our own contributor Rasheeda - cough) were a bit on the fence. It turns out that asking someone out, even for something as low-key as a $20 coffee can be as anxiety-provoking for some of us as a marriage proposal.

On this episode of the podcast, we’ve invited Rasheeda Winfield of Christian Girl Gone Rogue back to talk about why she hesitated to pull the trigger. We’ll also talk about ways that we can “put ourselves out there” without too much pressure.

Episode highlights:

• Rasheeda makes a little confession about taking the Dating Challenge

• We explore how women want men to initiate and do the pursuing

• What makes asking someone out on a date so challenging

• Why my husband, a board certified psychiatrist, thought the Dating Challenge was a questionable idea

• Why you might need a little exposure therapy to shake up your love life

• Ways that women can be a little flirty so men know you’re interested - and it might involve dental hygiene

• How you can live your best Beyonce life and take the “get in formation“ challenge

During this podcast episode, Rasheeda mentioned how she was honored to participate in The Dating Project film. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s a documentary following the lives of 5 real single men and women, ages 18-40, as they navigate the modern landscape of dating. One of the most interesting parts of the film is the dating assignment Professor Kerry Cronin gives to her students at Boston College to help them learn how to initiate a little romance.

To help you shake up your dating life a bit this week, we’ve created the We Date Modern Dating Challenge. If you’re ready to stop talking about dating and experience something new in the world of love, we encourage you to take the challenge! Be sure to grab the rules and then let us know how it goes. We can’t wait to hear your stories so email us at [email protected]. You can also hop into the We Date Modern Private Facebook Group to get a little encouragement and support from women who are also taking the challenge.

Are you subscribed to our podcast? If not, subscribe today on iTunes or Stitcher so you never miss an episode! We would also be so grateful if you left us a review over on iTunes so other people can join the conversation and explore Christian dating just like you. Just click here to review in less than 15 seconds. You can click the star ratings (obviously a 5-star hehe) and "Write a Review" to let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you so much and we'll see you next week on the podcast!

• Healthy Minds NYC - Chanel’s handsome (and super smart and empathetic) hubby

• The We Date Modern dating challenge

The one where we talk with social worker Danielle Murphy about sexual trauma and the potential impact on our experience of romantic relationships.

The one where we talk about gender stereotypes when it comes to pursuing a relationship and ask if it’s okay for women to ask men out on a date.

The one where we talk with Kristi Oloffson about the methods Christians use to find a mate, and how modern dating trends like online dating may not facilitate building the kinds of relationships Christians desire.

The one where We Date Modern Founder Chanel Dokun and Contributor Rasheeda Winfield question why Christian women feel like Christian men don’t pursue them.

The one where Louise Nankiinga and We Date Modern Founder Chanel Dokun explore how our perception of our dating circumstances quite literally influences our experience of dating.