I put a post on Instagram talking about some things that I was so not expectant of when my fertility journey ended and I didn't end up becoming a mom.

I felt like I was really uninformed because I didn't end up becoming a mom and want to talk about today is what are some of the things that we weren't expecting would come after our fertility journey ended and we didn't become a mom? I feel like that's not talked about enough I feel like we go to the clinics I feel like we go through and we're like on board and a hell yes for all of our treatments But there's just a lack of preparation of what might happen if those treatments end and we don't become a mom.

 The biggest thing was  this loss of understanding of what my purpose was going to be in life. So anyone who's on here,  you have ever felt like you just didn't know what... The meaning would be for you to be here if it wasn't going to be a mom  a lot of the work that I've done with my students and thrive is  understanding what it is that we even want to do with our time.

Maybe you feel like there's this huge void in your time and most people tell you  Oh, you're so lucky.  What a luxury that you get to sleep in on a Saturday or how awesome that you get to go home at the end of your work day and you don't have to make. Dinner for your family  that feels really heavy to a lot of women who have gone through this journey We feel like everyone thinks having so much time should be easy But it feels almost like we don't know what to do with our time and it feels like a burden Does anyone ever feel like they feel burdened by finding ways to fill your time that seems  meaningful and seems like It's a good use of your time?

I wasn't prepared for that.  

I wasn't Prepared for going into crowds and meeting new people because there's so often the  icebreaker Questions (I talked about that a couple episodes ago on the podcast) of how there just seems to be this Icebreaker question when you go to maybe a networking event for work, or if you're,  going to say a wedding and you're seated at a table with people you don't know, and you know that  the introductory questions are going to be like, Oh, how many kids do you have?

Or,   stuff about  being a mom that seems really awkward.

I think I wasn't prepared for that. 

Have you ever felt like maybe you've been with a group of friends or been in this crowd of people and you feel like you're the only one who has this weird feeling about being there. Maybe you feel really isolated or really alone because it seems like everyone with kids gets on the kid talk which you know good for them - I don't want to tell them not to talk about their kids, but I sometimes in the past have had opportunities to feel like I just didn't have anything to add to the conversation and, I just sort of felt like I was kind of boring because it seemed like everyone had these things that they were connecting and Feeling like they had something in common and then here I was I was like, oh do they know that I went through fertility treatments?

Are they censoring things because they think that they're making me feel uncomfortable because I don't have kids? So I feel like I wasn't really prepared for feeling  left out because before fertility treatments I was always  the life of the party and I was always like the cheerleader and the planner and the organizer and finding the fun things for people to do and then as my journey continued and I wasn't Really feeling  as festive as I used to feel I just started feeling kind of like I was an outsider Even though I don't think people intentionally made me feel that way.

 There was a lot of reflection on what I brought to the table just by being Lana So I'm curious, does that come up?  The other thing I think I wasn't prepared for was questioning my relationship with my husband.

We have a really solid marriage.

We have a lot in common.

We're also very independent as much as we are as a couple. But I'm just curious, have any of you ever felt like you weren't sure if your marriage was going to be enough? And then you started feeling shameful about  the thought that you even had that you would question your marriage because here you had this partner that saw you through all of this and saw you through your journey and how dare you question whether your marriage was going to be enough.

And when I was going through that, I felt really like I wasn't authentic.  I recently shared that with my husband, all these years later, he didn't know that I was actually. feeling a little bit disconnected. But what it really was this fear that without Children, what if we run out of things to do?

What if we've run out of conversation? Because I remember, like early on, after my fertility treatments ended, we would sit there at dinner and we would just talk about our work day. We would  go through the checklist of Oh, how was your day? How was your day? What's for dinner?  What we made, what was on the table, and then maybe like what was going on for the weekend.

And it just felt like there was a lot of unexcited conversation. So I'm just curious, is there ever a time in your marriage where maybe you were like, Gosh, is this really going to work? Do we have what it's going to take to feel,  fulfilled and feel... connected to one another without having a child to share.

 When I shared that with my husband, you know, I said it in a way that I was like, I feel really sad,, telling you this, because I don't believe that anymore.  With all the work that I've done and the coaching that I've done,  I see our marriage in such a different way. But I harbored a lot of,  shame and guilt that I would even question if my marriage was going to be enough.

 Lastly, I would just say  finding a community,  I wasn't prepared for  the journey that I was going to go on to find the people like you,  you're the people that I was searching for, and I feel so blessed and feel so grateful that we have found each other I wasn't prepared for it to be me.

It's been so hard to find other women who had lived the journey or can relate to the story that I related to.  I feel so grateful for all of you, but I really wish that, you know, the clinics and the doctor's offices had more resources for people like us. And that people like us had an easier way to find each other and network with each other.

And for the love hate relationship that so many of us probably have with each other. Social media. I'm like so grateful that because of social media, this community that we have has put us together. And I'd love to tell you about  how this community has changed my life because until I found other women who understood my story  and could relate to my story, I just always felt like my life was going to be better.

at 80%. And I don't know if you're somebody who, you're not like an average person. I know I was somebody who was always like this zealous overachiever type who loved doing great things and knowing how to create a goal and knowing how to achieve it. And when I finished my fertility treatments and my ability to create a child was not part of my story, I really started to think like, My best years were behind me and here I was like only in my 30s and early 40s and I was like, is this it?

And so that's when I started my podcast and that's when I decided To start telling my story and I figured if there was nobody that anyone could refer me to that could  tell a story that sounded like mine, maybe I could tell my story and it could create connection for me to find people like you and through the telling of my story, there's been so much love and so much connection and so many things that have changed in my life.

Because I started to decide that I didn't want to be shameful of not being able to have a child. I didn't want to be shameful and believe that I was a failed woman because I was a failed fertility patient.  When I created, this  new identity for myself, that being childless not by choice doesn't mean that my life has to be at 80%, I feel like the floodgates opened.

 That's why I started the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind. That's why I founded The Others Day. That's why, I started the podcast. But the Thrive After Infertility Mastermind is The best three months that you could ever have in your life because you are going to uncover such amazing things about yourself About your future about the desires that you have to go on and create a life that You're super proud of even though it doesn't contain the children. You always dreamed that you would have so thrive after infertility is purposely a small group setting because I think it's super important to create relationships and create friendships with people who know your story.

The doors to Thrive After Infertility. Are going to open  in September.  I'm going to start taking the applications very soon. And then Thrive's going to be October, November, and December. I would love to tell you more about it. I would love to tell you if you're a good fit for it, Um, not that anyone would ever be turned away for it, but I think that there's some people who are ready for it now and maybe some people who will be ready for it in a short amount of time because one of the things  I carry around is a lot of integrity and I'm not somebody who's going to promise someone that their life is going to change just by signing up for three months of working and thrive. There's, I think the right person and where they want to go and the goals that they have. Yeah. are super important to me and I would only bring people into Thrive After Infertility if their desires is something that I can offer and if I can't help you, I promise that I will put you in touch with somebody who can help you.

 Thrive After Infertility is  my greatest love, and I'm talking about it so much today because so many of the students that I've worked with, I just love hearing where their lives end up. after we spend time together and thrive.  I wanted to  acknowledge some of the things that I think we weren't prepared for. And if there's anything I missed, let me know. These were just kind of some of the things that were top of mind for me today.

 I just want to let you know that if you are feeling alone and you're feeling isolated and maybe feeling like nobody prepared you for what life would be like when fertility treatments ended and you didn't become a mom. Know that there is a huge community of women who understand that, and maybe have experienced that, and even if you want to reach out, and I could try to connect you with somebody that I know that maybe lives locally, and you can find someone that you can do a coffee date with, or even if you want to hop on a Zoom with me, I would so love to share my calendar with you, And just talk to you and be here for you and just listen to what you have to say, because I think no matter where your story ended up, your story matters, and it doesn't matter how many miscarriages you've had, it doesn't matter if you never got pregnant, it doesn't matter if you've had a stillborn or lost a child after it was born, you're never too far gone To create a life that you love and I know that because I've experienced it myself and I see my students Continually experience it and create that life for them So never believe that your story is too sad to recover from 

 So I will leave you with that this week. I love you. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.