What the HELL Were You Thinking?

This latest faux outrage, well the outrage is real enough, it is always real, that’s the problem, but the problem causing the outrage is faux is perhaps even more spurious the 999th attempt to repeal Obamacare. Conservative despise Planned Parenthood with a peculiar fury because they made it just about the only place to get a safe, legal abortion in huge swathes of the country. They also have the temerity to dispense low cost slut pill prescriptions to women who otherwise would be docile, obedient god fearing members of the society--right up until they time they dropped their fourth bastard. It’s funny how when Black women have children out of wedlock they are welfare queens ripping off hard working white folks who pay taxes, when it’s Lurleen whose five children by six different men: that’s just a sad story.

As a New Yorker, and having survived this City for a decade I am now legally allowed to call myself a New Yorker, or at least that is story I am sticking with, nearly naked women are the LEAST offensive thing IN Times Square. In descending order from most to least: Tourists with Selfie Sticks, Tourists with maps, Just Plain Tourists, Costumes Characters, CD Vendors, Tour Bus Leaflet Wavers, Comedy Show Guy, Smelly Ellie the Homeless Lady at 44th and 7th whom you can sniff at least three blocks away, and finally the nearly naked ladies. Times Square is a horrific shit show of clogged sidewalks, tacky merchandise, gawking tourists and commercial cancers blossoming like the nodules on my liver as I finish the glass of Jameson, the boobs are basically the ONLY HONEST thing in the whole damn area!

Hello and welcome to the podcast episode that asks a simple question: Kim Davis, what the HELL were you thinking? This week we talk about Rowan County Clerk currently in jail for contempt of court after defying a court order to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples. Davis refused on the grounds it violated her religious principles. Lying to God when she took an oath to uphold the Constitution apparently falls under the “I had my fingers crossed” exemption cited by St, Paul in Thessalonians. Here is just SOME of what you will hear:

“Still, the REASON we have people swear oaths is some jobs require us to do things we might not otherwise want to do. I wasn’t keen on the whole charging into combat and getting blown-up part of being in the military, it didn’t fit with my own personal...idiom I think most people feel similarly. So, you take an oath. I didn’t think much of the drug laws when I was cop, they were stupid and pointless, but I took an oath to uphold the laws even the stupid and pointless ones. Davis is not in jail because she is a Christian, she is jail because she violated an oath she took before God! She, in short, lied to God, which is also a sin if I am not mistaken. It wouldn’t surprise to find out she was dueling too!”

First of all, who uses a website to cheat? Honestly? I know I am going to come across like an Old, but whatever happened to heading down the lounge of the Holiday Inn and seeing what happens? Do we NEED a personality profile and an algorithm to find someone to fuck outside our relationship? All I need just the right mix of anger, frustration, horniess and alcohol and it’s done! I could be wrong, but I think that is what it takes for most people. Still, it’s the 21st Century, so natch there is a website to do for you that you are fully capable of doing for yourself. and this week hackers showed everyone exactly why you shouldn’t use it.

The What the Hell Were You Thinking Podcast is brought to you by the Native American Casino Owners Association of America, taking it back one trailer home at a time. Are you an indigenous American who lives in rural, Southern locale? Have you considered a casino? White people show up and give you money, and if you give THEM booze they will give you deeds to their trailers, pink slips and mother’s jewelry right off her person. The Native American Casino Owners Association of America, reclaiming history one dumb redneck at a time. If you would like to sponsor the show, head on over and give your money to the casino, it’s gone either way.

I don’t believe Bernie Sanders has it IN him to do what Obama has done, I’ve never seen a hint of it. I respect and admire the man, I LOVE his politics, I would love to live in a world where he COULD be President. I don’t, I live in this one, and this one is utter shit.

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Naturally, fashion and New York City go together like bulimia and runway models, so shopping here is going to be a bit different than running down the Mall in Waddletown or whatever backwater bourgeoise berg you call home...sorry, got a little to Dennis Miller there. This the home of the fashion in the United States, if someone wore it on a red carpet it probably was designed by a flamboyantly gay man or emaciated woman right here in the Big Apple. So naturally, there are different standards as to what is fashionable...and I meet none of them by even the wildest peyote tripping balls imagination. We didn’t head for Bloomingdales or Saks, we started smaller, both literally and come to find out literally: H&M.

0.1% of the people in America have basically as much money as 90% of the rest of America--now that is kind of hard to grasp as a real number so let me put it another way. You and the family decide you are going to have some delicious Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner tonight and you send your cousin Big Teddy out to pick up a ten piece bucket and sides. And Big Teddy gets the dinner and fucking eats that shit in the car on the way, all the sides, the dinner rolls and nine out of the ten pieces of succulent 11 herbs and spices fried chicken on the way back. All that is left when Big Teddy gets back is one wing, one little wing, and he give THAT to cousin Elroy, who is Big Teddy’s boy going back to when you guys were kids and Elroy eats all the good part of that wing; the little drumstick and two bone part. ALL the rest the family has to eat that night is that shitty, shitty little piece of cartilage with no meat and barely any of the phenomenal goodness of the batter...fuck you Big Teddy, fuck you Elroy, you greedy bastards, now the rest of us are sucking the finger licking good grease off the side of chicken barrel, you douchebags!

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Welcome to Storytime, factual fictions and fictional facts about growing up in the South in the 1970’s, from the creator of the What the HELL Were You Thinking Podcast. Storytime features recollection, remembrance and artificial realities drawn from the memory of an expatriate Southerner trying to find just one thing he can talk about and not make his Momma disappointed in him...and probably failing. Y’all stay tuned now, yah hear!

People, many of the same people that believe that every black man in the world is at least potentially a serial rapist, can’t believe Bill Cosby could EVER do something like this. These women are all gold diggers, going after Bill’s money, they say. All their stories match up too closely to not be rehearsed! They took him money, you know they were blackmailing him! This is the standard Cosby Defense, engaged in by Cosby, his lawyer and his ardent defenders. The playbook is as old as time itself, hide behind reputation, point out the accusers behavior as proof of innocence and intimidate the shit out of the victim. It worked for decades, it worked when he was ACTUALLY being sued in 2004--it was in news, but NO ONE talked about it, rumors were whispered in the wind before the lawsuit, but even DURING the lawsuit no one talked about it, a tribute to the power and myth of the Coz. It wasn’t until Hannibal Buress made a joke last year and it went viral that America FINALLY started coming to grips that behind the the ugly sweaters and jello pudding a rapist was giving a smug, deprecating lecture on the state of black men’s pants.You know Bill, best to attend to the open fly in your own pants, before the underwear exposed mote in your neighbor’s.