What the HELL Were You Thinking?

Weather is serious, weather REPORTING is NOT. Weather REPORTING is the hysterical response of glory seeking reporter wannabes who can take a mole hill of a storm turn into mountain of Oh Shit We’re All Gonna Die. Hurricane Sandy was a big fucking deal, and it fucked up the Eastern Seaboard—but from the hyperbolic reportage leading up to the storm, you would think we needed Bruce Willis on a space shuttle!

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The last two Republican winners of the Iowa Caucus were Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum both of which went on to embarrassingly drop out . In any normal election year, Ted would be heading for a similar fate. But this year, there is a big, orange turd in the punchbowl and all of the sudden a rabid tea tard, grandiose self-promoter literally loathed by his party establishment is preferable to the aforementioned tufted deuce floating serenely on top of the Republican polls.

And that deuce is NOT going to swirl gently into the good plumbing, it is going to skid along the porcelain and leave the kind of mess you need to Ty-D-Bowl before the next person can come in.

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The Bundy Boys are emblematic for the entire Wingnut Wing of the Conservative Party in the country, they are not entirely sure what it IS they want, but they sure as hell know what they DON’T. And that is anything that comes out of Washington, except the occasional small business loan, federal disaster relief when range fires wipe out their homes, jobs at the dead alien storage facilities with great union benefits. You know real salt of the earth cowboy jobs, like guards at federal prisons! And, a lot of them want one thing more than anything else: to keep minorities as far away from them as possible. As though people are going to fight their way through war, death, famine and torture to finally make it to America and then move to a land so desolate, remote and filled with ideological zealots it makes Raqqa seem like the Castro District of San Francisco.

I guess what I am saying is the new Star Wars movie is more than just a movie, indeed the old Star Wars movies were as well. They touched something in all of us that connects with our deeply troubled childhoods and all the broken and bitter disappointments we feel toward our parents and our lives—when we sit in the theater watching a note for note recreation by JJ Abrams he is not looting our childhood but returning to us the false sense of hope we once held when a young band of plucky rebels stood up against authoritarian evil and toppled an empire the same way we too would stand up to our parents and say “Fuck you, I am studying poetry in college and there is nothing you can do about since you aren’t paying for it DAD! OH, I am still mad you for throwing away my Star Wars toys! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? YOU DESTROYED MY CHILDHOOD ALL OVER AGAIN!”

2016 will actually be CRAZIER, and probably hotter than 2015. Nothing will change, nothing will be done to fix anything, we will continue to ignore our problems and focus on the inane, the pointless and the self interesting while our country and the world, slowly sinks into a morass of its filth and stupidity, but at least I will have show topics for the podcast. And that is all that is really important isn’t it?

“Where is the big redemption, that moment where our host wakes up after being visited by the Three Ghosts who show him how much Christmas really means?” you are in for a BIG disappointment. Life is NOT a He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special where even Skeletor learns a valuable lesson? Yeah, you don't get one of those."

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The bulk of Trump supporters are also under educated, under employed, under served by their government and under the spell of religion. They are the forgotten Americans, a group of people left in the dust of progress like a Palm Pilot in an iPhone age. Imagine what it’s like from their perspective, things LOOK familiar, all the buttons are there, but somehow they just can’t seem to figure out what they all do—that’s America to a Trump supporter: it looks like America, but no matter how many times they press the button, they can’t figure how to launch the app that makes them culturally, intellectually and until now, politically relevant.

When politicians SAY they are praying for the victims of crime like this, chances are they probably aren’t so much praying for the victims as praying to God thanking them for another safety check on the elected office. After all, did not the Human Yeast Infection that is the Republican Front Runner actually Tweet that the shooting would give him a bump in his poll numbers. And while the orange skidmark in our national tighty whites is a heinous excuse for a human being, he is refreshingly honest because every single politician on BOTH sides had that moment where they thought “Jesus, this is going to so GREAT for my poll numbers!” the fetid miasma of fecal fragrance that is DT just voiced that universal feeling.

I think it’s ironic that the group of people most likely to be shoved in a locker with our undergarments wedged so far up our asscracks we could taste the fruit on our looms has devolved into the most destructive and vicious group of bullies on the Internet. People who once yearned to be accepted now circle like a pack of angry jocks over a dropped book bag full of Monster Manuals around someone for daring NOT to like something THEY like. Fuck, am I the only one who remembers what it was like to have some no necked gym teacher spew spittle in my face when I dared to reply that I didn’t think football was all that great? Now, when someone utters the tiniest thing construable as less than complimentary about your favorite nerd thing they get death threats? Great job, Nerds, you are now the jocks and women are dweebs.

Because we’ve recently learned our show is, for some unexplained reason, slightly more popular in Norway than the rest of the world-- we thought we would take a minute to explain some American Pop Culture References you’ve probably seen on the Internet but do not understand. Sit back, have a lutefisk and let us explain the American Phenomena of the Drunk Uncle!