What the HELL Were You Thinking?

We are rapidly nearing the point where I have no choice but to conclude that his has sworn some kind of pact with the Great Old Ones and is actively working to rouse Dread Cthulhu from his slumber I Donald J Trump can tell you that is not dead, which eternal lie, but in strange eons, even death may die--ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn means Make America Great Again--I will build a wall from R'lyeh to America, the Old One will rise and I will make a deal with him so that America, Trump and Cthulhu will rule the Universe

The Tiny Penis of the Republican Party said things that ostensibly should have had him run out of the state on a rail, or hung from a palmetto bug--and still he won. We are rapidly nearing the point where I have no choice but to conclude that his has sworn some kind of pact with the Great Old Ones and is actively working to rouse Dread Cthulhu from his slumber:

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n no way do I expect people to stop jumping on Jim J Bullocks 90 Day Juice Cleanse—is that guy even still alive?—or trying Tia Tequila’s new Six Exciting New Kegel Clenches, but this a person who has publicly said the Earth is flat and that fat people deserve to die but also she is a Super Soldier created by Nazi’s—so maybe you shouldn’t listen to her when she mentions anything about vaccines. If you are desperate for a movie star’s medical advice, might I suggest Ken Jeong star if movies such as the Hangover, and televisions Community who is an actual medical doctor and would probably dispense some very good advice such as ask your fucking doctor and stop bothering him!

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A lot of Lefties have the fire right now for a dick swinging Liberal firebrand to take Scalia’s place on the Court. Someone who would go in and just kick over every Conservative apple cart that comes before the court the same way Scalia did to us. Except, they are wrong. The BIGGEST insult to Scalia’s legacy in a moderate justice who would take a nuanced view on the issues and vote the merits of the case. If that means we lose some cases, GOOD, because if our cases are bad then we DESERVE to lose. But, if we have someone who has the long term interest of the nation, who truly sees the Constitution as what it IS, an evolving document that changes over time to suit the needs of the governed, then THIS is the antithesis of EVERYTHING Scalia stood for. I don’t want an idealist on the Court I want nuance, intellect, I want a slightly Left of Center Kennedy! I want a way a more Liberal Roberts, who understand the Court is the last bastion of reason and logic in an increasingly illogical system. I want a slightly liberal firewall to block the derp spewing up out of the hinterlands. Because if we don’t get that, if he appoint a Sanders level Liberal to the court, the stress fractures in our political system are going to bust open like the seams of my work pants when I squat down to pick up a quarter on the sidewalk.

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FDR told us the only thing we had to fear to is fear itself, and here we are 80 years later terrified of it—because I cannot see why people are so fucking afraid. Crime is still down, the economy is stable, and terrorism is a legitimate threat but not an imminent one. If we are not at “peace” we are also not engaged in multiple wars with hundreds of thousands of troops deployed. Inflation is nominal, the stock market is well, not humming along but doing what it does, go up and go down, jobs are on track to continue modest growth in the foreseeable future, our budget imbalances are bad but nothing compared to where they were eight or ten years ago. If our government is basically gridlocked by endless partisan bickering is at least a STABLE gridlock. Frankly, I am beginning to think the inability to do ANYTHING might be the best government we can hope for. When I look at the board, I simply do NOT see the reason for all this unreasonable fear! Are there giant Space Clowns the government is hiding from us? SERIOUSLY IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE NOT TELLING US! GIANT SPACE CLOWNS!

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We who do not care for the activities of millionaires who received preferential treatment all their lives due to an enhanced ability to carry a ball across a field, an activity so pointless it defies explanation. Could we not simply decide which end of the field we want the ball to be on, and leave it there? A lot of people are getting hurt trying to move a ball, and no one has even thought to check with ball see where it might like to be located? Of course, they are getting paid an OBSCENE amount of money to get hurt, so, they got that for ‘em. Anyway he asked if we just lay off with sport ball bashing today.

WE have to lay off? Excuse me, but I do not think it was the sport ball hating nerds who were doing the bullying through 12 years of education? I don’t remember my D&D club ganging up on the Popular Quarterback and making him cry because all the cheerleaders were hanging around with us while we tackled Assault on the Aerie of the Slavelords! I know when I was attending Georgetown on a Call of Cthulhu Scholarship, all of the athletes were so jealous that I didn’t have to go to class, I just sat in the Student Union! Yeah that happened.

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Stay tuned for the Jameson 80 Proof Prediction sadly NOT brought to you Jameson’s Irish whiskey, the official drink of the What the HELL Were You Thinking Podcast. Every time we slur, you’re hearing Jameson! Naturally the big story in the coming week is the New Hampshire Primary, when the people of New Hampshire all climb out of the snow caves and syruping shacks and head down to the nearest building that is NOT a Bed and Breakfast run by a retired New York stockbroker or Bob Newhart, sorry that was Vermont, and cast their vote for President.

Now, to say that my friends are split on the Hillary Bernie issue is something of an understatement. All of us are godless libtards pinko bastards sekert muslin terrorist sharia sympathizing Democrats. But we are heavily divided between HOW we want to oppress the God Fear Good Christian People of America! The Clinton Wing would prefer a graduated approach, incrementally stripping away people’s guns and gods a little at a time, while the Sanders Wing prefers to throw everyone not agreeing with straight in an concentration camp, as soon as we are done nationalizing all private industry.

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And if you are fan of or reality or just a decent human, these next two weeks are going to really hard for you. That’s why I am doing this Special Edition. Between tomorrow and next Tuesday, you are going to have really bad week because I am making the Jameson 80 Proof Prediction, I think Trump is going to win Iowa and New Hampshire Hold on hold on, wait, it gets worse, because I bet he wins South Carolina too. If you need a minute, you can pause the show and get yourself together, I understand.

Iowa is too small, too rural and too white to even come close to reflecting the America these jackoffs running for office are even PRETENDING to represent. Hell, the Iowa Caucus doesn’t accurately represent IOWA! The voters, well not voters but the delegate representatives, must be physically present to be counted, no absentee ballots, so if you have a night job, or the tractor broke down on the back 40 and you had to walk back to the farmhouse and don’t make it to the caucus, fuck you, you’re out. This is the first year that members of the military, you know the people out there defending democracy, could participate via a video link! 2016! So, your average Iowa caucus voter is VERY white, and very middle class, you know the kind of people who have jobs that let out at 5 PM. That leaves out the cashiers at the Wal-Mart, the chicken pluckers at the Tyson plants, the cops, firemen, nurses and doctors, the janitors, the street sweepers, gas station attendants, Merle down at the Stop and Shop who always let you buy beer without and ID, the kind of people that someone like Sarah Palin would probably call Real Americans, so long as they were white, which Iowa, they are.

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