Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez broke off their engagement and said they're splitting up. So the lesson is, don't be fooled by the jocks that she got, she's still-she's still Jenny with no rock. Oh, I'm getting an update: A-Rod says they're still a couple and are "working through some stuff". Oh I'm getting one more update: Ben Affleck has deleted the text he was about to send that said "U up?"

Quick QAnon update. Their latest ridiculous conspiracy theory is that Oprah's interview with Meghan Markle was entirely CGI, because they think Oprah is in jail for child trafficking, another disproven fairy tale. I think CGI-Oprah is the dumbest theory I've ever heard, although it does explain this promo for her next interview.

In space news, a group of scientists says we should build an "ark" on the moon to store 6.7 million human sperm specimens. When Buzz Aldrin heard that, he said "(WINK) Mission Accomplished".

Big news from the mouse. Disney says its streaming service Disney+ has surpassed 100 million global subscribers, getting to half of Netflix's numbers in just 16 months. I have to admire what they're doing-- success like that takes real vision.

Did you guys catch this? Paul Bettany says he wore a fake butt for WandaVision. I am shocked. How dare they put a fake butt in a fake-sitcom that exists in a fictional cinematic universe based on comic books I haven't read but whose summaries I perused on Wikipedia! Oh, I'm getting an update... he didn't choose the fake but, it was... Agatha all along!

Congress is debating the "For the People Act" which fixes many aspects of our voting system, but Republican Senator Mike Lee says it was "written in Hell by the Devil himself". Mike's not the only one who shares that opinion-- he's got the agreement of his entire church at Our Lady of Voter Suppression. Honestly, if Satan wrote this bill, that's quite a hot streak. He just wrote the last 10 Nicolas Cage movies.

Well, it was Daylight Savings last Sunday... So if you live in a red state, remember to set your clocks back to the Jim Crow era.

In Utah, lawmakers are working on a bill that requires an activated porn filter on all new sales of phones or tablets. Special exceptions can be made, for example, if the person buying the device is a Utah lawmaker.

In Los Angeles, inauguration poet Amanda Gorman was walking home when she got tailed by a security guard who felt she looked "suspicious". My team did some investigating, and it turns out the guard was just a responsible member of the Neighborhood Poet Laureate Watch, and is obligated to report any poet found in Proseville.

Listen up, cinephiles. There’s a new movie coming out about a killer pair of jeans called "Slaxx". It's a really unique film because the more holes the plot has, the cooler it becomes. 

Quick update from the looney far-left: In San Francisco, Democrat Evan Low has proposed a bill to make it illegal to have "boys" and "girls" toys or clothing sections in stores. Apparently he also wants to outlaw legos because the way the "male" pegs go into the "female" slots can be very triggering to non-binary toddlers.

In Chicago, researchers say they found a gene they can target to potentially "stop one-third of all cancers". Even more amazing, that gene... is Gene Wilder. He was such a treasure.

Finally, a scientist at the University of Illinois posted photos of his canine lab assistant who is such a good boy, he wears full protective gear in the lab. The scientist says it's the cutest thing in the world except when the pup makes a pee pee in his PPE.

In SpaceX news, Elon Musk is asking officials in Texas if he can start his own city there and call it "Starbase". They said "Look Elon, you can call it "Texas BBQ Sucks Land" for all we care, as long as you fix our electrical grid. Elon even suggested it could be a sanctuary city for aliens. And they went "Oh, like undocumented immigrants?" and Elon said, "No".

Elon Musk's SpaceX Starship rocket suffered another mishap, exploding upon landing, which seems to keep happening. Now, I'm no rocket-scientist, but if Teslas work so well, shouldn't this thing be electric?  Anyway, rumor has it Elon doesn't mind the landing failures because he's launching a new cryptocurrency, "CrashCoin". Every time a rocket explodes, CrashCoin skyrockets.

Here's something cool. Animal behavior experts say a cuttlefish has passed a cognitive test designed for human children, where they resisted taking food immediately to get a better reward later. And they say the reward that works best with cuttlefish... is cuddling.

Listen to this. North Pole Scientists say they've observed a "space hurricane" 1000-miles wide with swirling masses of plasma raining electrons down to earth. Great, that's all we need, something else for my mom to blame when her computer doesn't work.

In the UK, a group of health experts are pushing to change the term "breast milk" to "chest milk" to be more inclusive. Apparently they also want to rename mammograms to man-o-grams, and treasure chests will be called "treasure breasts".

Bonus Story! In Japan, gun bans have worked so well that criminals are now using crossbows. It's gotten so bad, Tokyo Disneyland just kicked out Chewbacca.

Get this. While Oprah's famous interview with Harry and Meghan was airing on live TV, low-IQ-Anon folks were spreading a bizarre conspiracy theory-- that Oprah was wearing an ankle monitor. It raises a lot of questions. Mainly, what brand is it, and where can every woman in America buy one?

Well, Congress has finally passed the $1.9T American Rescue Plan. But they cut two important provisions: an increase to minimum wage, and my proposal of paying $1M to every Tik Tok influencer-- I mean don't they care about us essential workers?

In Australia, a sheep named "Baarack" was rescued from an overgrowth of 75 pounds of wool with a quick shave, and is "getting more confident every day". In fact the sheep just got a deal to host a podcast with Bruce Springsteen called "Shorn in the USA". I have one question for whoever shaved that Sheep... can you do me next?

In Japan, there's no reason to feel alone anymore, because the government has appointed an official Minister of Loneliness. Apparently he threw a big party to celebrate but nobody showed up.

In Washington state, a high school band found a way to practice in the same room during Covid by putting each kid in a green mini tent. The teacher said it was a huge success, and only half the band members died from asphyxiation.

Finally, in Sacramento, a mom of three had her kids expelled from school after other parents complained that she runs an OnlyFans account selling sexy videos online. She immediately stormed into the principal's office to plead for her kids to be reinstated, and you can watch what happened next on, you guessed it, her OnlyFans page.

Here's something interesting. According to a new study from London, "night owls" are twice as likely to perform poorly at work and take disability than "early birds" are. In a related story, there's a new study by worms that says early birds suck balls.

In Israel, animal rescuers have found a miracle cure for treating turtles caught in oil spills: mayonnaise. They say it works especially well if you grab a roll of bread and make them into a delicious turtle hoagie.

In Indonesia, a fisherman has found a mutant baby shark born with a "human face". He even gave the little guy a nickname-- Casper the friendly Klansman.

Did you guys catch this? The FDA has granted emergency use authorization for Johnson & Johnson's single-shot vaccine. The good news is, it's also available in a new tear-free formula! The bad news is, you have to inject the Johnson and Johnson in your johnson.

Finally, researchers say social media users desperate for likes "have thinking patterns similar to lab rats seeking food". Uh whatever, sounds like BS to me. Now listen guys, daddy's gotta eat, so smash the crap out of that Like button, OK?!

In France, an 88-year-old-man who was caught going 119 mph told officers that he was speeding to get to his vaccine appointment. In a related story, police in Hill Valley found a 119-year-old going 88 mph, with no vaccine appointment.