Where's the Lemonade?

Are we saying the wrong things to our kids about the divorce??? Probably!! We think we are saying good healthy things to help our kids thru the divorce, but are we? I know we are just human and we are trying our best. But it is hard, we are stressed, emotional and have never been thru this before, so we are struggling to say the right things and hope that we are. We want to have our kids get thru this devastating life changing with as little trauma as possible. 

Our research department found information from psychologists on what are some phrases we are saying to our kids that we need to stop! I guarantee that we have and maybe still are saying some of these. Lets dig in:

1. “Your dad” or “Your mom” – that tiny addition of the word “your” creates otherness in the family. If you are now saying “your” the child is now hearing a separateness in who they are connecting with. Divorce does create changes in the family dynamic, but honoring how the child sees the parent can help keep a sense of cohesion.   

Nix the “your”. 

1. “The Situation” – You are talking with your friend and the kids are in the room and she brings up “The Situation” and how “The Situation” is affecting everyone.  “When you speak in code, it makes it seem like something sinister is going on.” The more you try to obfuscate what’s happening, the more anxious and curious your kids may become. “ 

Say instead – There are ways to explain divorce that is less abstract. You could even mention people they know who are divorced.

1. “It’s not about you” - When your instinct is to keep your children from thinking they’re to blame for the divorce, this probably feels like a totally logical and constructive response. But according to Dr. Rubenstein, this phrase isn’t specific enough to quell the “well then what caused it?!” anxieties, because for kids, something had to cause it.

“Children have active imaginations and can conjure many scenarios that have nothing to do with the       cause of the divorce,” she tells us. “It’s not about you” also negates the fact that the divorce very much        involves your kids, which, Dr. Rubenstein explains, can wind up complicating your child’s feelings and experiences and what they’re willing to share with you.

Say instead – You can explain that mom and dad are not getting along and don’t feel they can resolve it. Grown ups have adult issues that sometimes cannot be solved, as hard as they try.

1. “This is a good thing” – Sure,it might be a good thing for the family in the long term, but from a child’s persepective…not so much. This phrase sweeps their pain under the rug. “Almost every child wants their parents to be together under one roof. Even if one parent has addiction issues, anger issues, or other things a child can observe, most children want to believe in the fairytale that somehow things will all work out. It is challenging for them to see divorce as a benefit,” 

Say instead – Acknowledge that this is really, really hard on everyone! That your decisions was a last resort made to have the children grown up in a home without fighting or discord. 

1. “You will get double everything! – While this is true, most kids want two parents in the home instead of more things. This is another example of minimizing your child’s feelings, even thought it done out of your desire to protect them. 

Say instead – Emphasize that they will get more quality time with each parent individually. Get them excited about decorating a new room. Get their feedback on their new accomodations.

1. “Not much will change” – This is  lie. And if you tell children a lie, they are less likely to trust you in the future. “For a child, their world is forever changed.”

Say instead – Be honest that things will change, but that change is sometimes good. Yes they will miss certain traditions of family structures, but play up the realistic advantages they can expect. They will model your behavior and reactions in the face of change and learn resiliency.

Lemonade moment of the week
Valentines Day auction adds more neighbor kids.

Links: https://www.purewow.com/family/divorced-parents-phrases-stop-saying?utm_source=flipboard&utm_medium=referral

The first year of blending families can be pretty tricky and downright horrible. In this episode, we talk about the challenges of throwing two families together and how we dealt with the obstacles we ran into.

Listen to this Episode

Love does not conquer all.

• For those of you that think everything has been rosy. It has not.
• This has brought up some tension and memories of the hard times. Sacramento Airport.
• We were naive enough that we thought love would be able to handle all of the problems we faced. That helped but was not enough.
• Everything was hard.
  • Meshing kids. We had two 16-year-olds that were completely different from different kinds of friends. One very social and another not very social at all. You cannot force them to be friends; they don’t want to be. Now they are excellent friends.
  • Meshing rules. Is there a double standard for some of the kids? Or is everything the same?
  • Meshing discipline. Understanding boundaries with stepkids was rigid. Older kids and younger kids.
  • Expectations for a clean house.  Darren’s idea of cleaning is picked up. Not clean. Paige wanted things cleaned.

Logistics of a blended family

• Moving
  • Logistics. What to keep, what to throw out? Where do we fit everything? Two households crammed into one place.
  • Moving kids from schools, friends, and church. Etc.
  • Paige and the kids are trying to overcome feeling like guests in the house.
• Finances were hard
  • Food was hard, what to cook, what did kids like, what did they not like. How much to cook?
• Going to church in the same congregation as Darren’s Ex-Wife
  • Whose friends are whose? 
  • Who can I talk to? 
  • Who do I vent to, etc.?
• Going out to dinner was a challenge. Soda or water? Why was it contentious?
• Remember your kids in the changes
  • Kids have such little control over the situation, so they want some control over it. Mountain Dew (Jake), Jacob with his long hair.
  • The kids need to feel like they have some control and some say. 

Marriage counseling and other help got us through it.

• Marriage Counseling was a big win for us.
• The night we got engaged was our first counseling session.
• Consistently working with a counselor allowed us to establish communication patterns faster. Something we needed to navigate all of the stuff we brought with us. Kids, Exes, jobs, debt, etc.
• Empathy – Get in the trenches with each other. Instead of getting upset with what they are feeling, try to understand it. And why they are feeling that.
• Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best first.
• Don’t find fault with your spouse; you will find it.
• Communication, laughter, alone time, intimacy, not wanting to fail.

Lemonade Moment of the Week
Darren and Paige head to Las Vegas, to catch some shows and brave the strip with all the craziness.

The week after Christmas was boring…. saying.

At the beginning of a marriage, everything feels new and exciting. You've got romantic date nights planned for weeks, and what may become future annoyances are just endearing little quirks that make you love your spouse even more. But unfortunately, that honeymoon stage won't last forever. Eventually, things are going to simmer down, and you might even find yourself feeling, well, bored. You can start feeling that marriage is more like a routine than a relationship.

Fighting the Monotony

Luckily, that feeling doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. All it means is that you might need to devote more time and energy to making things exciting again. Let's talk about what might be adding to the monotony of your marriage:

You don’t surprise each other.

It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, but finding ways to surprise your spouse, whether a gift or a thoughtful act, can keep your marriage fresh. “What do you and your partner need to feel loved?” Make sure your surprises match their needs and personality.

Sharing too much or not enough.

You need to share more with your partner, OR you are joined at the hip! You need to bond with your partner and be vulnerable. Sharing can be the exchange of information, emotions, and experiences. Try discussing some of your fav shared experiences. It will remind you of great times and give you ideas. On the other hand, you need to be your person. Couples who spend too much time together can quickly start to feel bored. Find new hobbies of your own and have experiences away from your spouse sometimes. Then share about those.

Technology is consuming you.

Ok, people. Get off your phones!! This is for us as well. To avoid “phubbing,” institute some phone free time each day. Be present!!!

Your not putting energy into your relationship.

We initially go through our romantic stage, but a few years in, that can start to ebb a little. You need to reinvent and rekindle your relationship constantly. Be more deliberate about giving your marriage the care and attention it deserves, even after the butterflies die.

Your not setting goals for your relationship.

It's pivotal to establish new goals to strive for. If not, you’re bound to feel unenthused about the future. Supporting and encouraging each other – whether solo or as a couple – increases love. “Happiness comes from moving toward what you want, not necessarily getting it.”

We are too routine.

Having a humdrum daily routine can make any relationship feel boring. Try new restaurants, new hobbies, and new places to visit. Get out of your comfort zone.

Help available

There are a lot of other examples in the articles of why we are bored and how to alleviate the boredom. We will keep you posted on how we are doing.

Lemonade moment of the week

I enjoyed visiting family and grandkids. At my aunt's 80th birthday party, I saw many cousins we hadn’t seen in a while. Fun dancing! Not boring!!

Links this Week

• Boring Marriage Tips
• MARRIAGE MONOTONY: REDUCING RELATIONAL BOREDOM

Darren and Paige have been thinking a lot about 2023. There is so much uncertainty in the future right now. Darren has had a lot of luck with his work and will continue this year. They have had friends lose their jobs, friends waiting to see if they will lose their jobs, companies changing their compensation packages, the economy is slow simmering into a recession…a lot of uncertainty.

This brings a lot of anxiety and worry. The article referenced for this podcast says anxiety is our organic coping mechanism for lack of control and information. But at a certain point, anxiety about something we will never be able to control is unhelpful and even harmful. So What Can We Do???

Techniques for Coping with Uncertainty:

Identify and tune out unproductive worrying

"Productive worries tend to lead to actions that give us more control of our environment, whereas unproductive worries make us feel even more anxious and uncertain (thus leading to a vicious cycle)," Aldao explains.

With this in mind, try to differentiate how much of your worrying is productive (ensuring enough food in the house) versus unproductive (staying up all night thinking about worst-case scenarios). If you can do nothing about it, it's not yours to worry over.

Something to note: Simply "tuning out" worrisome thoughts is not easy, especially for a very anxious person. That said, taking a step back and recognizing what is and isn't worth the worry can be a helpful first step.

Practice Mindfulness

Not our thing. It says to Feel the Chair under your butt, appreciate the texture of the food as you chew, and note the sensation from going hungry to satisfied… Okie Dokie.

Develop habits and routines for a sense of control. We need structure and management on a smaller scale. Hold yourself accountable with daily exercise, changing out of PJs, and trying new recipes. Set up an activity calendar for work and fun and stick to it as much as possible. It will help with your low moods.

Focus on Gratitude

Find that silver lining!! Perspective is so important!!

Seek out Humor

Watch a funny tv show or game night with friends; humor is here and now. Takes our minds off the future and uncertainty.

Don’t rely on temporary distractions

Don’t fill the void of uncertainty with escapist behaviors, drinking, eating, denial, etc.

Accept what you can't control

Easier said than done, but acceptance is a big step toward peace of mind. Also, obsessive consumption of information -grasping for certainty – can worsen things. "Acknowledging that we can't control and change everything is essential," Aldao says. "Wanting to know and control everything fuels uncertainty. Seeking out information is vital, and keeping up with the news is important—but constantly refreshing your news and social media feeds only adds to the anxiety."

How to help your spouse

Empathize with the situation and your spouse. Don't try to fix things; tell them everything will be OK, or it is not that bad. Let them have their moment. Don't let them wallow too long. Go out and do something together. Have a friend take them out to lunch or something.

We’re Back!!!

It has been a while since we have done a podcast, but we are getting back into the swing of things for 2023. 

It was a busy year! 4 of our kids got engaged in 2022!!! So fortunate to have all these new in-laws join our family. 

Let's take a look at all the things that happened this year!!

January – Darren and Paige went to Palm Springs for a short getaway. Super fun!

February – Girls' trip with Ilene and Jill in Sedona and then a quick trip to Utah for Zoey’s birthday before Paige’s surgery! 

March – Quick trip to So Cal to see my mom, sister, Dallin and Alex while Darren had work meetings. 

April – Saw Journey and Toto! So fun!! Then off to Idaho for Andie and Jacobs's graduation, we were supposed to head to Brazil, but Darren got COVID. So instead, we stayed home; Paige got Covid too and went to Bodega Bay. Mid-April went to Utah for Julianne’s graduation. 

June – Portugal, baby!!! And another trip to Utah for Mitchell’s first birthday.

July – We had lots of summer visitors, which we love!!

August – Took the 3 amigos to San Francisco, Alcatraz and China town.

September – Paige had a girls' trip to St George with our daughters. Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. 

October – 2 weddings!! Anna and Matthew in Atlanta worried about the rain, but it was a beautiful day. Then McKayli and Jake were married here in California. Worried about rain again, but ended up perfect. 

November – Footloose baby!!!! So fun seeing Sam in the play. Loved all the performances!! Then Thanksgiving week in Europe with Andie and Jacob. Wonderful trip.

December – Trip to Utah to watch the grandkids and tortured Boyd when he asked permission to marry Julianne. Then Christmas fun! 

A busy but wonderful year, minus Paige’s surgery. Looking forward to 2023!! 2 weddings and a family trip!!

Most marriage difficulties center around one fact, that men and women are totally different. There are emotional, mental and physical differences. We can have happier marriages if we make an effort to understand the differences.

We are definitely stereotyping and generalizing, so deal with it. 

• Women tend to be more personal than men.
• Women typically have a deeper interest in people and feelings, in building relationships. 
• Men tend to be interested in logical deduction. 
• Men tend to be more challenge-and -conquer oriented, typically why they like sports.

Why would a woman be less interested in a boxing match? It’s because close, loving relationships are usually not developed in the ring! Also, watch what happens during many family vacations. He is challenged by the goal of driving 400 miles a day. On the other hand, she wants to stop now and then to have a snack, relax and relate. He thinks that’s a waste of time because it would interfere with his goal.

• Men tend to be less desirous in building intimate relationships.
• Women are usually the ones to buy marriage books or listen/read to self help books.
• Women tend to find their identity in close relationships.
• Men tend to gain their identity through careers/work.

Because of a woman’s emotional identity with people and places around her, she needs more time to adjust to change. She sees that changes may affect her relationships. A man can logically deduce the benefits of a change. He gets “psyched-up” for it in a matter of minutes. This is not so, with a woman. She focuses on immediate consequences, and needs time to overcome the initial adjustment before warming up to its advantages.

• Physically women need touch and romantic words. 
• Women are typically attracted by a mans personality.
• A man is typically visual, doesn't need words as much as women.
• When a women feels hurt by her husband, she does not want physical intimacy. 

Now that you know WHY men and women cannot understand their respective differences without great effort, I hope you will have more hope. I also hope you will have more patience as you endeavor to strengthen and deepen your relationship with your spouse.

Lemonade moment of the week 

Darren went to help Jacob and Andie with their new house. Paige got some alone time. 

Links

• http://marriagemissions.com/understanding-the-differences-between-men-and-women/

Ok, so here we are again in the summertime!! It is a beautiful time of year. Kids are home, enjoying a nice break from school. It's time for them to relax and chill. But what happens when their chillin involves hours and hours of screen time each day? How much is too much? Do we as parents ban screen time completely? Or limit it? Do we keep them super busy with other things? Let's dive in and see what we can figure out.

Consider how you manage your families technology:

Every family is different. Your schedules are different. Consider:

• What works well and what is currently working?
• Model the technology restrictions you expect from your kids.
• Screen time limits, will you limit by the day or by the week? Will they have things they have to do before they get on? 
•  Setting priorities for the day, instead of monitoring minutes, could be the secret to summer happiness, thanks to less time spent nagging, pulling your hair out, and feeling guilty.
• Each kid is different. Some of your teenagers may have a job, sports, or camps. Their downtime might be screen time. 

Seek Balance:

• As you consider a new strategy for managing summer screen time over the summer, it’s important to seek balance. An outright ban on technology in the home can be frustrating to every family member.
• Is it screen time or downtime?

Know the difference between active and passive screen time:

• Are they just playing a non-productive game or watching a mindless tv show or YouTube videos? Or are they learning something? Important to know the difference and recognize it with our kids. It's easy to see them on a screen and tell them to get off, but what are they really doing?
• Search out ways that they can learn on their screen. That's a win-win. 

Be ok with the occasional binge. 

• Sometimes our kids are busy from morning to night and others where they have total down time. That's ok for them to be able to chill for a day. 

Links

• https://techsavvymama.com/2017/05/managing-summer-screen-time.html

Lemonade moment of the week:

The boys are away at camp. Miss them but get to spend time with Madeline one on one.

Darren & Paige are in Portugal for a week away from work and kids, but not podcasting. In this week's episode. Find out what they learned not to do when they travel. Some of it from personal experience. Some of it by watching other tourists standing out. :)

Second Half of Portugal

• Sintra and Cascais- Wear great walking shoes. Dress in layers. Rain, no rain, rain, hot, rain. Lots of hills to climb on cobblestone streets and sidewalks.
• Lisbon on a Sunny Saturday. Incredible city. Very crowded. Everyone in Portugal was there when we were there. Must see the Monastery of Jeronimo, eat at Pastéis de Belém, Pastels de Nata (egg tarts), and walk along the Tagus River to the Tower of Belem. Walk the Rua Augusto near the Praca do Commercial. Too much to see in one day.
• Beach cities - Peniche, Nazare, and Praia Del Rey
• The hunt for a porcelain platter 
• Church on Sunday/ A family moved to Portugal from the states 5 years ago. Great to hear their story.
• Lisbon Temple on Saturday

Don'ts When You Travel

• Don't order the food they aren't known for and expect it to be good. Mexican food in Poland.
• Don't go to big cities on Saturdays with good weather.
• Don't try and park in downtown Lisbon.
• Don't rely on your mobile phone service. Don't stay in the passing lane on the freeway. Everyone in Europe moves right (Except in the UK) except to pass.
• .Don't get offended when someone honks at you.
• Don't be afraid to wear comfy shoes.
• Don't ignore your concierge. Don't be rude to anyone.
• Don't be too loud. Notice what other people are doing and pay attention. Poland is a peaceful country.
• Don't be afraid to make new friends and talk to people.
• Don't forget sunscreen
• Don't forget to put on sunscreen that is in your backpack
• Don't forget to take a backpack with you.
• Don't park where you are not supposed to. You will get a ticket.
• Don't get a speeding ticket. Many European countries send you a ticket in the mail months later.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

While Darren & Paige were in Portugal, one of the kids had an incident with the car. Everything was fine, and a friendly neighbor was there to help the situation.

This week Darren & Paige are in Portugal. Why Portugal? You have to listen to find out. They talk about some of the travel tips they have learned over the last eleven years of traveling together, including what not to pack and how to tip your waiter.

Why Portugal?

• Resort in Praia Del-Rei
• Porto
• Coimbra

Travel tips 

• It might be cheaper to travel from a different airport. SFO was about half as much as flying out of SMF for use.
• It might be cheaper to rent a car one way than to pay for parking. Check it out before you rule it out.
• Stay in some place central where you can make day trips into the different cities. We have done this on multiple occasions.
• Plan out an itinerary but be flexible. We had a rough idea

Before you fly

• Get snacks for the flight
• Try and switch to a better seat. Unless you are my flight.
• Have a battery backup or charger for your devices
• Download shows to watch before getting to the airport. Bring a blanket or sweater. Airplane temperatures are hot and cold depending on who has control of the thermostat.
• Check out the travel documentation requirements. Including COVID. They are changing all the time.

Clothing

• Do your homework and pack accordingly. Light rain jackets are always good.
• Proper shoes or sandals. On Paige's first trip outside of the US, she brought plenty of proper shoes.

Eating

• Tipping customs
• Times restaurants are open or closed. In Portugal, everything is closed down from 3-7pm.
• What kind of food is local in the places you are visiting. If you are visiting different cities, they have different dishes.
• Bring snacks in your carry-on and in your suitcases. We have been in situations when nothing was open when we landed or got to the hotel.
• Find the local hangouts. Ask your uber driver and even someone at the front desk. It is cheaper than the typical tourist areas.
• Understand the local customs with food and restaurants. Just because bread is free in America, it is not accessible in most places. They may even put it on your table and not tell you how much it costs.
• Hydration. We are over hydrated in the US and in Europe. Most times, the water is as expensive as soda or beer. Craziness for us.
• Find out if you can drink the local water. Websites should have this information.

Driving and Transportation

• Look at the travel blogs and Reddit for tips on traveling in a foreign country.
• Rental cars can give you flexibility if you are exploring.
• Toll roads are big in almost every country in Europe. 
• Look at trains and subway systems for big-city transportation.
• Parking can take time and cost lots of money.
• UBER and Lyft are great alternatives.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After exploring Porto with sore feet and tired bodies after a long day, Darren & Paige walk along the Douro River and find a wonderful evening of music and food.

Darren and Paige decided to tackle, "should you blend these two families?" It can be a colossal mistake to blend families too quickly. (says the couple who combined very quickly) There are some essential things to know before agreeing. (Do you like camping, do you want a dog, or do you want more kids??) The need for companionship can drive you too quickly. 

Let's talk some sobering statistics. In the U.S. 50% of first time marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Ouch! Those are not good numbers. Obviously you can beat the odds if you know what you are getting into and are committed. 

Of course our research dept found an article listing 5 wise considerations before blending families. Paige and Darren might not have headed all these, lol, or any of them. Let's see:

• 1. Unload your own baggage. Grieve the loss of your marriage. Give your children attention. Give yourself and your children time to heal. Get back on your feet emotionally, financially and into new routines. Try to gain some insights about your marriage that ended, about your needs and issues. Be ready to show up differently in the next relationship. 
• 2. Prepare yourself for the relationship you want to have and being the partner you want to be. Work on your communication, listening, and conflict resolution skills. Educate yourself about relationships; skills for success and common pitfalls.
• 3. Once you are dating someone, prepare your relationship by taking time to learn about each other and focus on your partnership. Have you had fights and resolved them? Met each other's families and friends? Have you learned about triggers and vulnerabilities? Are you in agreement on the BIG things? (money, religion, values, sex)
• 4. Prepare to blend by introducing the kids to your partner. Talk with your children about their feelings. How do they feel about this new person? They don't have to feel the same way you do about this new person, that's ok. Your children have another loss to deal with, the loss of their parents never getting back together.
• 5. Challenges Ahead! Relationships in blended families will not be equally close, some get along better than others. Do not force everyone to like each other. Let it develop naturally but provide the opportunities to let this happen (picnics, bowling, hiking, movies). Clarify roles of parent, step parent, co parent when it comes to discipline, payment of child expenses, time together. Counseling can be a huge help, don't resist it, give into it.

Not everyone has to do all these steps to have a successful relationship, but these are some really great tips. Blending is complicated and hard, but can also be rewarding and amazing. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

School is ending! Finals week, hard for the kids, but now it is summer!!!!

Links

• https://gabardi.com/2021/09/01/five-wise-considerations-before-blending-families/