Where's the Lemonade?

Is there a magic secret to a happy marriage? If we are told to do A, B, and C to make our marriage work would we do it? Do we do it? Or is it different for every single couple? Darren and Paige were curious about the tips that couples would give on how to keep a lasting marriage happy. They asked a lot of their friends and family that have been married for decades to see if there was some advice or if it is entirely different for each couple. Maybe a sense of humor isn't that important to a more severe couple but essential to another. 

ADVICE!!!!

Lets see what our friends and family had to say about what makes a lasting marriage?

• Focus on your partner's strengths and try to ignore their weaknesses.
• Treat your partner the way that you would like to be treated.
• She's almost always right, so just accept it and move on.
• Keep your promises.Don't take each other for granted. Remember you chose each other. Try to always remember the qualities you love about them.
• Be fully committed. 
• Try not to be selfish.
• Don't compare your marriage to other peoples.
• Look at your spouse through rose-colored glasses, not a magnifying glass. We all have flaws, but constantly magnifying your spouse's flaws will make you lose sight of their best attributes. (This doesn't mean you should ignore hurtful behaviors)
• Mandatory walk together each day. Takes just 11 minutes, but recap the day.
• Praying together at night.
• Being willing to forgive the little things, and sometimes big things, repeatedly. (as long as your health and safety are not at stake)
• Weekly date to connect.
• Do fun things together and find humor in everything you can. 
• Be a good listener and be interested.
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
• Learn how to enjoy intimacy, it shouldn't be a chore, and you can learn to enjoy it together.
• Care about your spouse's happiness more than your own.
• Find what you have in common.
• Mutual respect.

This might be a fun list to go thru with your spouse and see if there are a few things you want to start doing or talk about. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Heidi fell in the pool. Poor baby. 

Links

https://www.brides.com/marriage-secrets-from-married-couples-5184605

Darren and Paige had a different podcast subject planned for today. However, after Mother's Day came around, we saw a lot of feelings around this day and thought we would do another episode on this topic. This day is hard for many; how can we make it better????

Mother's Day is supposed to be an amazing day!!! Right?

So here is another Mother's Day in the books. How was it for all of you? Were your expectations met? Managed? Complete disappointment? This is already sometimes a difficult day for women for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because of unmet expectations. I'm sure some very nice person came up with Mother's Day thinking what a nice thing, to have a whole day to make moms feel special...they had no idea what they were creating. Women can build up this day as a kind of reward for the other 364. When this day arrives and it is not the blissful fantasy we have in our minds, it falls short and reality hits. Now add in the complication of a blended family and oh boy, tricky.

What can we do to help the day be a happy one?

• Plan a group event. Fun to be with many people, friends and family. Helps the focus be off of just you (if you want that). This is not for you is you want all the attention on you. Figure out what is best for your situation.
• Be specific with gift giving or risk getting a toaster. Some men are great at gift giving and plan creative things way in advance. Most are not. BE BOLD! Don't drop hints that he will not decipher. Be specific, very specific. Maybe have an Amazon list to share with family. If money is an issue, make sure to let it known that you want a card from everyone. Or you want a few hours to yourself, or watch a movie you pick. Let them know in advance you would like a nice breakfast made by not you. Get out there what you want. Not in a bratty way, in a nice, I'm helping you out kind of way.
• Remember the kids. This is for a blended family specifically. Remember that your children probably did not ask to have a mother and a stepmother in their lives, they have had to adjust to the decisions made around them. Don't make this harder by making them choose who they have to make feel the most special. Let them focus on their mom on this day, if she is in their lives. Pick another day to celebrate with them if that is what you want. 
• Curb expectations. If you are hoping that your children will make some grand gesture to prove that they love you more than anyone else in the world, you are being unrealistic and a little unreasonable. Set expectations low and reasonable and be pleasantly surprised if it exceeds them.
• Don't overthink it. Mother's Day is a special occasion, but it is not the end all be all. If things don't work out exactly as you had hoped, don't assume that it is an indication of how your family feels about you. Resist the urge to indulge in self-pity and remind yourself that everyone is trying their best, even if it doesn't live up the the day you've created in your mind. 

We all approach Mother's Day with hopes and expectations. Sit down and take 5 minutes and figure out what those (reasonably) are and then communicate to your spouse or/and kids, what you need. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Two of our boys get engaged. No lemons this week just lemonade.

Links

• https://www.mightymoms.club/mothers/mothers-day-disappointment/
• https://www.socialmoms.com/know/parenting-2/navigating-mothers-day-in-blended-families/
• French Toast Recipe - Bake in the oven for 12-15 minutes at 350.

This week, Darren and Paige discuss tips and tricks to help with a problematic co-parenting situation. This is hard stuff!! You are divorced for a reason, and now you still have to make many decisions together around the children. Let's dive in!

It's not always rosy after a divorce. In fact it rarely is...

So you've made the decision to divorce. Sad. Now you have to co-parent with the person that you decided, for whatever reasons, to not be with anymore. Now parenting will be easy with your spouse/significant other gone, right? Oh, heck no. It is SOOOO much harder, especially in the beginning. Those little things you disliked about your spouse are now huge. And sometimes you just want to stick it to the other, just for kicks. But that is not what is best for the kiddos involved. Not at all. But how do we continue to parent when we disagree, don't get along, and just want the ex to go along with whatever I say because I am right! 

Here are tips on co-parenting with someone you don't agree with:

• Set boundaries with your kids. Sometimes we want to be the "fun" parent after a divorce. Kids need consistency. We don't want them to grow up entitled little brats because of our insecurities as a parent. We may be viewed as the "non-fun, serious house," but the kids need boundaries and will thank you later in life.
• Do not criticize your co-parent in front of the kids or to just anyone who will listen. This is confusing and hurtful to the kids. Also, do not let the kids speak disrespectfully about the other parent. They can vent respectfully. 
• Be a team. This will be hard, especially at first. The kids need to see a united front if possible. You will have significant decisions about the kids, and it will only hurt them if they know you are divided on certain things and will confuse them.
• Focus on your child's needs. You may think that this goes without saying, but sometimes you are focused on your anger at your ex, and you have a hard time focusing on your child. Adopt a business-like attitude; the business is the children. Talk only about the children. 
• Don't talk on the phone. This is especially true in the beginning or if you just constantly argue. Communicate thru texts or emails to give yourself a minute to think and act rationally. This will also let you respond to some things and not to others. Also will give you evidence should you need it one day for court; let's hope not.
• Don't expect too much. Manage your expectations. It could go either way after the split. They might step up and be a better parent or not. 
• Have a support system. Many days, you feel like it is just too much dealing with your ex. It can be very hard. Have that one friend or family member you can vent to and maybe get advice from. Don't vent to everyone!!! Pick a few people that you trust.
• Go to court if you must. If you have tried everything and it is not getting any better, you will go. This is the LAST resort. There is usually no winner in court. It can get ugly.
• Let the past go. Let it go, Let it go! To succeed in co-parenting, you need to let go of the anger and resentment and start anew. It is no longer about your ex's feelings; it is about the kids. Kids' best interest, repeat frequently.

You can do it!! It can be a roller coaster at times. Buckle up and try to enjoy the ride!!

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The last person in our house finally gets COVID. We got to spend some one-on-one time with David.

Links

 https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/9-tips-for-co-parenting-with-a-difficult-ex 

This week Darren and Paige talk about how to maintain perspective when things don't go they way you planned or want. They will talk about the some challenges and disappointment over the past few weeks. How do you maintain perspective??

Happy, Sad, Happy

•  Darren and Paige had a lot of big plans for April! Graduation, Brazil, Graduation. Lots of wonderful things.
• Darren blew it! After over two years of not getting COVID, Darren went to DC for a work trip and came home with the VID. They found out after getting back from the first graduation trip, two days before they were supposed to leave for Brazil. Brazil was cancelled. Paige and Darren were home alone while all the kids were off doing fun stuff. Then Paige got COVID, and depressed.
• Luckily recovered enough to go to the next graduation. 

How well do you handle challenges and disappointments? How do we keep perspective?

Use these strategies to keep a level head when everything seems to go wrong:

1. Find a way to learn from the challenge....blah, blah blah. But its true. Life would be much easier if we never made the same mistake twice.
2. Be Accurate. Avoid letting your emotions get the best of you. Be objective.
3. Ask yourself what you can do about it. Then listen to the answers and focus on solutions.
4. Exercise. Eat, sleep and get some vigorous exercise.
5. Maintain a positive attitude. Focus on the positive aspects of your life.
6. Realize that the situation is temporary. Just hang on and get thru each day. 
7. Help someone else. There are people all over the world that would trade their best day for your worst day. Serve others, you'll be glad you did.
8. Ask for help. There are people all around you that love you.
9. Find the silver lining. There has to be one.
10. Visualize a positive outcome. In many respects you get what you expect.

Your perspective can make all the difference. A negative outlook can make finding a solution much less likely.

Lemonade moment of the week: Jacob, Andie and Julianne all graduated. So proud. Also, all ten kids were together for the first time in a very long time. Family pictures!!

This week Darren & Paige explore selfishness in Marriage with a quiz. Are you selfish in your marriage? Is your marriage about you or about your spouse? 

Are you selfish??? 

• We are all selfish, right? Especially before marriage. We only have ourselves to think about. What do I want to eat? What do I want to spend my money on? What music or show do I watch?
• After marriage, those I's have to become we(s)...This might be harder for some than others. You have to now think of someone else and merge your lives with compromises and solutions that work for you.
• Obvious signs of selfish behavior: It's all about you! Think you are better than your spouse. Controlling. Don't give or share. Will not compromise. Blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong. Forgiving is difficult. Think that your spouse's feelings matter less than yours. Competing.
• Harmful effects of selfishness: Creates hurt feelings and resentment. Communication issues. Arguing. Prevents you from thinking the best about your spouse. Doesn't build trust. Marriage will become stagnant.

How to Overcome Selfishness in marriage

• 1. Be responsible and admit you are selfish.
• 2. Communicate with your spouse about your selfish behavior. Find a balance where you can compromise and decide who gets to pick what.
• 3. Change your mindset. Start thinking as WE, not I. Ask yourself, Is this what is best for both of us rather than just me?
• 4. Be patient. 
• 5. Don't blame your spouse for everything they do. You are a team. Work on bringing out the best in each other.
• 6. Serve your spouse. How can you help your spouse today? What can I do to make my spouse's life easier today? 

Remember you cant change anyone but yourself

• Work on you and keep the communication open about what YOU are learning.
• Improve yourself, and if you are happy, your spouse will follow.
• Thinking of your needs and standing up for your morals or values is not selfish; it's what makes you who you are.
• You also have to stand up for your actual needs, like time alone. You don't want to lose yourself in your marriage.
• Self-care is not selfish, but DO NOT TAKE IT TOO FAR!!!

Quiz:

Questions and Answers

• 1. How often do you tell your lover about what they should do?
  • A. All the time
  • B. Only sometimes
  • C. Very rarely
  • D. Never
• 2. Do you accept your mistake after fighting with your partner? 
  • A. Yes
  • B. No
  • C. Only when I am at fault
  • D. Sometimes when the fight is too big. 
• 3. Do you have the habit of dominating your partner? 
  • A. Yes, because I enjoy it.  
  • B. Only sometimes when I get jealous. 
  • C. I think dominating the partner is not at all a good thing. 
  • D. No, I never want to control my relationship. 
• 4. Are you happy being a selfish lover?
  • A. Yes, I love it. 
  • B. I'm not a selfish lover 
  • C. Not at all!
  • D. I like it sometimes
• 5. Do you have the habit of deciding the place to go on dates?
  • A. Yes, because I like doing it. 
  • B. I pick the dating place sometimes.
  • C. No, I don't have this habit. 
• 6. Suppose that you have a strong desire to have sex but your partner doesn't. What will you do? 
  • A. Compel my partner to have sex anyway
  • B. Try to seduce my partner
  • C. Drop the plan because having their consent is equally important
  • D. Wait for my partner to come in the mood. 
• 7. Do you like listening to your partner's opinion? 
  • A. Yes, of course!
  • B. Most of the times
  • C. No, I don't pay much attention to their opinion. 
  • D. I prefer ignoring their ideas because they are never good. 
• 8. Do you have the habit of putting your needs before your partner? 
  • A. Yes
  • B. Not at all!
  • C. Sometimes I do like that. 
  • D. I always put the needs of my partner first. 
• 9. Are you empathic towards your partner? 
  • A. Yes, of course!
  • B. Most of the times
  • C. No
  • D. I was empathic earlier but not now. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren & Paige get fleas at the two youngest boys swim meet.

Links

• Relationship quiz
• https://ourpeacefulfamily.com/selfishness-in-marriage-how-to-overcome-selfish-behavior-become-selfless-spouse/

On today's episode Darren & Paige talk about their excursion into watching Korean Dramas. Ok just one K-Daram "Crash Landing On You", but they are considering watching another one.

K drama!!!!

• Darren and I just finished a K drama, Crash Landing on You
• Paige was very hesitant, don’t want to read my tv
• We had been told by so many people, of all ages and likes, to watch this show
• What is a k drama?
• Why it was good for our relationship? had to focus only on the show, talked alot about it after.
• Writing was great - good story, clean

Good clean Entertainment

• Refreshing to not have garbage to worry about in the show
• However, they do discuss some serious subjects, suicide. Seems like a normal topic there. 
• Chemistry between the two leads is great. They are actually a couple in real life!
• Interesting to see how they portray North Korea vs South Korea. A defector from North Korea that has a youtube channel, says that about 60 percent was accurate. 
• It was filmed in Switzerland but took place in North and South Korea.
• Supporting cast was so good. 

Show Hole

• What are we gonna do now???
• Have to find some more K dramas!!

Lemonade moment of the Week:

• Went and saw my mom and sister. Also, Dallin and Alex. L.A. traffic is the worst!!! But loved visiting family.

Links

• Crash Landing On You

Sometimes in our very busy lives we lose that connection and spark and just get set in the doldrums and monotony of just going through the motions of life. Darren and Paige are somewhat there. They have been through a lot in the last 6 months and need to reconnect in a way that Darren isn't Paige's caretaker.

So, how do we start the reconnection process:

• You can start by intentionally spending time together every single day doing something fun.  For example, doing the dishes, cooking, going for long walks, etc.

Lets talk about different ways and simple things you can do to reconnect with your spouse emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, physically and of course, sexually.

Emotionally 

• Cheer each other on.
• Observe and appreciate the good qualities of your spouse when it comes to them as a person, a spouse, and as a parent.
• Accomplish a bucket list goal together.
• Question: What are three of your happiest memories of our early days together?

 Intellectually

• Take a class together.
• Set Goals together.
•  Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common?

Spiritually

• Pray together or pray for your spouse.
• Share what you're learning about or something you have read.
• What is something that makes you feel fulfilled?

 Physically

•  Go for a walk together / gym.
•  Give each other a back rub.
• Hold hands.
• What did you notice about me first?

 Sexually/Intimately

•  Surprise each other.
• Schedule time together.
•  Are you satisfied with the physical aspects of our relationship?

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The kids are graduating from College and they have jobs!! :) 

Links

• https://ourpeacefulfamily.com/how-to-reconnect-with-your-spouse-husband-wife-emotionally-sexually-spiritually-intellectually-questions/

• Madeline and Paige were talking the other day about different parenting styles. Some are too lax; they just want to be their kid's friends. Some are too strict, hovering, helicopter parents. Some are too serious; where is the fun? 
• I said to Madeline in that conversation, “You can have it all! You can have fun while also being strict and having rules.” She then said, “You should do a podcast about that, about having a balance.” 
• I think it's actually hard to balance it all equally. You are rarely in perfect balance. The scale is mostly always tipped one way or the other, but keep trying.
• Letting the kids be silly even during serious times, such as reading scriptures, can be significant and frustrating because they go too far with their silliness.
• I love to have fun, but there has to be order and rules to have the fun.

5 ways to try and find that balance:

• Always follow through - If you set a consequence for something  they have done, you have to follow thru, even if it is more painful for you!!
• Help them find a hobby -  kids are much happier when they have something they are interested in, besides video games, and passionate about. If they are having a hard time coming up with something, have their hobby be finding a hobby for a while.
• Let them choose their bedroom décor -   kids sometimes feel like they don't have enough control over their lives, especially in a divorced family. Let them give their input on the room theme and décor.
• Give them chores -  This can teach them responsibility, value of hard work and respect. Having said that, teenagers can be quite busy, don't overwhelm them with too much to do, be flexible with what their responsibilities are at different times in their life.
• Have fun with them and be generous with rewards - Make sure you are having fun with the kids. They need to see a lighthearted side of their parents. Be silly, be funny, be relaxed. And make sure you have rewards for their work. MAybe after you clean the garage, you go get ice cream. AFter they finish studying for a big test, go out to dinner.  

Links

• https://www.betweenthekids.com/2017/05/fun-and-strict-mom/
• https://themomkind.com/keeping-the-balance-between-fun-and-discipline/

In this episode, Darren talks to three of his kids about what it is like to have two households as teenagers? What it is like now that they are adults? and What advise they have for other kids that navigate two households?

Video: https://youtu.be/MIBHpAjpTYc

Blog: 

What’s Hard

• Logistics and coordination are complexes between two houses.
• Rules are different. How do you manage that?
• Food can be very different (Vegan, Paleo, etc..)
• No Settling
• Understanding the differences between the houses and parenting styles
• Losing things, Clothes, towels, school books
• Transitions - Forgetting things, going back and forth.
• Responsibility at a young age.
• Being in the middle of the parents.

Benefits

• Two Christmas mornings, Two thanksgivings, two birthdays, double the vacations
• Bonus Parent - Help you navigate your relationship with your bio parent, expand your possibilities
• Learn Responsibility

Tips & Tricks

• Make your step parent an ally
• Understand your parents are trying their best. They are not perfect.
• Set boundaries with your parents and step-parents
• Time is limited, so set expectations. This is true when you are adults coming back to visit.
• Setting a schedule and communicating it.
• Get comfortable with awkward
• Take time for transitions
• Buy toiletries, clothes, and things for both houses.
• Get two sets of textbooks from the school if possible.
• Don’t have a primary house. Create your own space in both houses, or don’t create your own space at all.
• Find someone to talk to about the situation.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Paige is out recovering from surgery. Darren gets insight from his kids on what it was like to grow up in two households. 

Links

• https://www.womansdivorce.com/living-in-two-homes.html

How to be happy when my spouse is doing something fun without me????

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” 

• Paige recently went on a girl’s trip. She has been doing it for 18 years. Darren wasn't always excited about it. Why? 
• Darren goes out to dinner with co-workers. Is Paige jealous?
• How can we be happy for our spouses when they have fun without you in a hobby or with friends?

Check out the video: https://youtu.be/uYIxYuuo0S4

Learn to trust and communicate with your partner.

Mostly insecurities keep us from completely trusting our spouse and being happy that they are so glad.

Communicate how you feel and why you are struggling with these insecure feelings. If they think you are spending too much time away from them, come to a compromise.

Make friends or get hobbies of your own, that makes you happy.

Don’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself that you aren’t with them. Find your hobbies or friends. If only one of you has friends they do things with, or one of you has hobbies that can be unbalanced. Figure out what you like. 

Stop being selfish and be there for your spouse; show interest.

If your partner is into car racing and you have no interest, give it a shot. Be interested in what they are interested in. It doesn't mean you have to lose yourself and be a puppet for your spouse; it means you take an interest in them and their hobbies. They can still do this without you, but if they know they can talk to you about what makes them happy, you will be become much closer and maybe even learn to love what they love.

Find fun things to do with your spouse.

After a trip or a fun activity without your spouse, find something fun to do with them. Seeking enjoyment in marriage is vital to building a solid relationship. Do not come home and say, “I just had a great time, why don’t we do something fun!.” That can set your spouse off. Instead, have an idea of a fun activity and suggest it.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After years of practicing piano, cello, and singing, Jacob shows us his true talent.

Links

https://www.yourtango.com/2019326841/3-ways-to-stop-being-so-jealous-insecure