Where's the Lemonade?

Whether we want to admit it or not, we have certain expectations for each other in our marriage.
Darren and I recently talked with a marriage counselor and realized that we needed to be more explicit about our expectations.
This can be scary. I asked Darren what his expectations were for me?? What would he say??? Darren then asked me what my expectations were for him. Started a great conversation. 

5 Successful Ways to Manage Expectations in Marriage

Communicate!
The number one reason for so many let-down expectations is the lack of communication. If you can grasp how to communicate with your partner, you’ll see an immediate increase in met expectations.

Needs vs. Wants
This is a great question to ask yourself before or when you feel your expectations aren’t being met. What do you need versus what do you want?   Draw a line for yourself in between these two. For example, if you and your partner are going on vacation, make a list of things you need to make you happy.

Let Go of Control and Don’t Control Others.
Expectations are under-met goals. Goals are objects of your ambition. Ambition is the strong desire to work hard to achieve something. All of these are you wanting to control a successful outcome, whether it’s controlling your environment or controlling your spouse. Don’t fall into the vicious cycle of under-met goals. When you learn how to let go of holding your domain and your spouse, you’ll gain peace with your outcomes.

Don’t Assume
Assuming is another dangerous reason why expectations are blown out of proportion and do not meet the standard you would like them to be. Assuming that your spouse understands your needs and even assuming you know your spouse’s needs will always end in unmet expectations.

Find things you are thankful for when you are struggling.
If you find yourself in a moment when your expectations aren’t being met, and circumstances are beyond your control, take a moment and list out what you’re thankful for. It can be hard to find what fills you with gratitude in moments like this, so start with the basics. Start spreading your thankfulness from those epicenters until you feel like your situation isn’t as bad as you thought it was.

Lemonade Moment of the Week
- Everyone around us has COVID, but we came through without a cough or a sneeze.

Links
https://tonightsbettertogether.com/2017/04/17/5-successful-ways-to-manage-expectations-in-your-marriage/
Video: 
https://youtu.be/yv4XpEVnuJk

Why we started
Wanted to help and be a voice of “we’ve been there” for blended families
Wanted to show others that even when life is extremely challenging throwing lemons at you, not going according to your lifeplan at all, you can still be happy - that there is Lemonade somehow, somewhere

Why we stopped
Pandemic, life was boring
Felt like we had nothing left to say about blended families, that we had addressed most topics that we could
Realized this podcast isn't just about blended families it's about finding the Lemonade
We missed doing the podcast, therapy for us
OK so, lets recap of what's been going on:
Pandemic still going on…….
Darren is halfway thru his PHD
Paige has health issues
2 teenage drivers with jobs
A new grandbaby

#WTL #2020 #WheresTheLemonade
Check out the video
Check out our blog

What is an overly communicative spouse?

Evaluate the current communication situation between your spouse and their ex. If you are not happy with what is going on then you need to set some boundaries.

• The ex calls to emotionally attach to your spouse
• Calls to fix something at the house
• Runs out of gas.
• Comes into the house without permission

Setting Boundaries

• Play the long Game
  • People avoid setting boundaries because they don't want conflict.
  • Start sooner than later. Get your boundaries up now.
• Avoid Emotional Conversations
  • Table the issue until there are cool heads.
  • Think about your spouse's situation; they have to deal with their Ex and now you.
  • Also, Your spouse should not be having emotional conversations with their Ex. Keep it business.
• Explain Exactly What Bothers You and why
  • Be specific about why the communication bothers you and how it makes you feel.
  • Your spouse is not a mind reader.
  • Only a stepmom can understand the emotion and situation they are in.
• Communicate to understand
  • Try to understand why your spouse responds the way they do with their Ex. 
  • There is a specific reason they are doing it.
• Come to terms
  • Come to terms that the Ex is always going to be a part of your life.
  • You will always have to work at it.
  • Setting boundaries is not something you check off your to-do list.
• Understand that there may be guilt and Loyalty issues
  • Why is there some loyalty to the Ex? 
  • Why are they still falling under the I am going to make you guilty spell.
• Ask and give some empathy.
  • Please get in the trenches with your spouse and ask them to as well.
• Identify the issues
  • Establish the boundaries based on the problems.
  • Where do we need more boundaries?
  • What's working what is not?
• Plan what you'll do when these boundaries are crossed
  • Get clear on when the boundaries are crossed.
  • What are you going to do when the Ex dictates how to raise the children.
  • When this happens, this is what we are going to do.
• Be proactive
  • Send emails to establish boundaries.,
  • It is not what you say; it is how you say it.
  • Business communication. Facts only. Keep the emotion out of it.
• Always consider what's best for the kids
• Anticipate backlash
  • Stay consistent.
  • It will get worse before it gets better.
  • Don't back down

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After six weeks of the house being tore up to repair and redo the floors. They are finally done.

Additional Links

• https://www.jamiescrimgeour.com/the-poptart-diaries/how-to-get-your-partner-to-set-boundaries-with-the-ex

Why Kindness is important in a Marriage

• Keeps you together
  • The biggest predictor of satisfaction and stability in a Marriage
  • Kindness makes each partner feel understood, cared for, and validated.
  • Couples that treat each other with kindness even when they argue stick together.
  • You can throw spears at your partner or explain why you are upset.
  • Paige comes home to a new carpet in the house and boxes of stuff to unpack
• Builds Trust
  • Kindness is the #1 trait that people look for in a partner.
  • Being kind can help your partner feel secure.
  • Watching your partner show kindness to people make you feel like you can trust.
  • You can trust that your partner will not hit below the belt when you are arguing. 
• Help get your needs met
  • When you are kind you take time to address your partner's needs.
  • Your relationship is deepened when you put your partner first 
  • That encourages your partner to be mindful of your needs.
  • Kindness breeds openness in communication and compassion.

The Seven Day Kindness Challenge

• Most magical solution for the author was just speaking kindly to each other. Better than any other books or articles.
• Started on date night. 
• Bring it back to basics. Listening, admiring and respecting each other.
• Be spontaneous. Do something outside of the ordinary - Watch the sunrise
• Afirm, Afirm , Afirm - Thank you for taking me to see the watch the sunrise
• Men need sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex. (Anonymous wise man)
• Make a concerted and conscious effort to make each other feel good.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Sam broke his clavicle skiing. Several of his friends called dropped things off and cared about him. It is good to be recognized.

Links

• https://www.smartparenting.com.ph/life/love-relationships/treat-partner-kindness-importance-a00286-20191224
• https://www.popsugar.com/love/Ways-Kind-Your-Relationship-43641054

Does your ex-spouse communicate with you? Or is it just silence when you try to co-parent. Listen to Darren and Paige talk about techniques to open the communications channels and improve co-parenting.

What people do

• Blame Game
• Quiet treatment
• Push-pull
• You cannot make me
• Solo decision maker
• Withholding or punishing
• Trash talker

Ex won't communicate

• Document your communication
• Be Civil
• Do not post on Social media
• Don't involve other people
• Keep personal feeling aside
• Keep it short and sweet
• Use technology
• List both bio parents as contacts on forms
• Use a Mediator or someone your ex will listen to
• The last resort is court. Try and avoid

Overcoming 

• Always be kind
• Ignore what you can
• Keep communication open
• Be collaborative in decisions
• Look at your own behavior
• Make sure your children are protected from anger and fighting
• Seek mediation before going into attack mode.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Mass chaos in the house as we replace flooring. Boxes tripped over in the middle of the night. Everything in disarray. Lemonade our house looks new after replacing 30-year-old carpet. 

In this episode, Darren and Paige look at a 30-day relationship challenge calendar. Find out what they think works and what doesn't work. We used the calendar from the website www.endlessblissblog.com.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Eating outside in our little downtown Folsom, CA reminds us that we have a great town and had fun people watching.

Links

* http://www.endlessblissblog.com

In this episode we revisit traditions. We start questioning some of the traditions we stuck with when we first blended after one of our kids mentioned how busy Christmas is and how it would be nice if it was a bit slower. 

Why Traditions are important:

• They give us a foundation to build our lives on
• They give us a sense of roots and belonging
• We asked the kids what they thought
  • The Younger kids had a different perspective than the older kids 
  • They can only remember the traditions that we currently have
  • They have some that are doubled up
• Older kids remember
  • Some of the traditions when we were still married to their parents. Some we have dropped
  • Some of the traditions that we continue to do give them a sense of belonging to this new family
• Building Traditions in Blended Families
  • Keep Traditions (Combining)
  • Choose one over another
  • Creating new ones

Keeping or SlashingTraditions:

• Keeping both traditions for the same event
• Sausage Fondue and Eggs Benedict - combined Christmas breakfast
• Sausage Fondue is from Paige’s first husbands family
• Giving the kids an ornament is from Paige’s first husbands family
• Acting out the Nativity
• Fondue on Christmas Eve
• Easter baskets 
• Carving Pumpkins. Only kids like, we wouldn't mind if it went away ;)
• Adjusting to the aging kids.
• Introducing new conditions

Evaluating and Creating New ones:

• We tried a new tradition of going to a tree farm to get a Christmas tree for a few years.
  • ended up at home depot to get a tree
  • we now have a fake tree.
• Ice cream for dinner (fail, everyone was sick). Dinner for dessert
• Monday night swim parties
• Swimming at Christmas
• Ikea Scavenger Hunt
• Valentine days auction
• Dancing before bed
• Reading Scriptures never really took hold until Dallin challenged us to read scriptures consistently, which is now 7 years and going
• Ice Skating at Christmas every year (No one totally enjoys this, everything hurts, and we are cold, but it is fun. ;)
• Cooking competition

Have you ever wondered why Valentine's Day is so stressful? We can tell you why. Expectations vs Reality. Listen to the latest "Where's the Lemonade?" to hear how Darren & Paige handle or don't handle this curious holiday so well.

And Yes that is Paige throwing away flowers that Darren got her for Valentine's Day. :)

Valentine's Day

• Most wanted gifts for women (Big loving gestures, some love it,  and some hate it)
  • Card
  • Flowers
  • Chocolate
  • Jewelry
• Most wanted for men 
  • Sex
  • Chocolate
• Does your valentines day feel like Saint Valentine's Day Massacre was 1929.

Expectations and Reality

• Inequality in the holiday
• More pressure on men than women for this holiday
  • Women expect men to do something romantic for Valentine's Day
  • So why (80% of cards are bought by women)?
  • Mostly for kids and grandkids
• Our first Valentine's Day disaster
  • Ballons on the ceiling, holes in the ceiling
• Our second Valentine's Day disaster
• Gas station card at the last hour. after a 10-hour drive in the car in the snow.
• Setting expectations: Paige tells Darren exactly what she expects for the holiday (but then apparently doesn't mean it)
• Communicate your needs as long as they are not ridiculous

Ideas for Valentine's Day

• For men to women 
  • Put some thought into your gift
  • Keep it simple. Do something different on that day. Something outside of the ordinary
  • Darren does not get Paige flowers on Valentine's Day. He does it throughout the year.
  • A card with a handwritten note might be just what she needs
• For women to men
  • I want to just get through this holiday without making her too disappointed
• We have changed the holiday to be a fun family dinner auction. In celebration of the feast of St Valentine.
  • Thanks, Survivor
  • It takes the pressure off of having something extremely romantic and instead is something fun with the kids
  • This doesn't mean we don't do something romantic around that time

Links

• https://www.proflowers.com/blog/the-history-of-valentines-day
• https://www.shropshirestar.com/entertainment/features/2020/02/08/valentines-day-2020-team-weekend-ponder-what-men-and-women-really-want/
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_of_Saint_Valentine

Disneyland Dad Syndrome is real and affects blended families every day. It is so prevalent that there is a legal definition for it. So how do you become a Disneyland Dad? How do you deal with a Disneyland Dad? Darren & Paige give their insight into this problem in Blended Families.

What is a Disneyland Dad

• Legal Definition
• Only having fun when you are with the kids
• No rules, responsibilities, or discipline
• Indulging in gifts.

Why you become a Disneyland Dad

• Intentional - deliberately overindulges the kids to undermine the other parent.
• Un-intentional - Trying to have fun with his kids with limited time that they have with the kids.
• "Visitation" - is a term that makes it seem like your kids are just visiting and therefore you want to use the very limited time doing fun things not school work or chores. etc...
• Frequency of seeing the kids play a big part.
• When we see the kids - Weekends and Evenings. Most families have fun on the weekends. Stay up late, excursions etc..
• How to avoid being a Disneyland Dad
• The parents do not have the same schedules or circumstances. School with homework, weekends only. etc..
• Be consistent
• Be involved
• Encourage responsibility
• Teach them
• Consistently discipline. - Mom's rules don't matter at Dad's house. Not good.

Dealing with a Disneyland Dad

• Connect with your kids - The quality time is more important
• Focus on your own relationship with your children. - You cannot control what the other parent does.
• Let it go!! - Don't get stuck in frustration and anger.
• This is not a competition. Children are not consumer whose love is bought by stuff or entertainment
• If you compete you lose. 
• Being Present. Tune in. 
• Don't say negative things about your co-parent.
• Have fun and play. Does not need to cost money.
• Have confidence in your parenting. don't compare yourself to the co-parent.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The pinhole leak turned out to be a nail that slowly leaked.

We recently had facebook and google give us reminders of where we were 2 years ago today. What came up is the inception of our podcast. On a trip to Panama for a "getaway" of time "alone together", we dreamt up a crazy idea of podcasting our experiences of blending a large family. In today's episode, we went back and listened to our first episode, and wrote down what we thought.

Our Thoughts from our first podcast

• Dating was incredibly difficult. Remembering details about people is not my strength so I kept a spreadsheet. I actually dated two women that both had a daughter named Amanda. Not good to confuse the two. :)
• We knew so little back then when we first started. We had lots of topics to talk about and had to learn how to talk about tough subjects without harming the kids or the relationship with their parents.
• I hate COVID and I need to go on a trip with my wife to re-energize and re-connect again.
• We need to continue to learn more as we continue to experience new things as a couple together.
• This last year we had several new experiences with adult children moving in, moving out, and getting married.
• This time was a trying time for Darren as he was changing jobs and moving his career in a different direction.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

A broken toilet turns into a full bathroom remodel. Up side we have a new bathroom and new tools.