blog: https://whispersburn.blogspot.com/?m=1

I had a big mental break down yesterday. I don’t feel very good. I’ve kinda fixated on that phrase. I don’t feel too good. Because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to explain so it seems like the easiest thing.

People don’t understand how hard it is when the ask oh well what’s wrong?

This like depression I’m going in like I said in the last episode it’s just a circle it feels like this always happens to me but it gets worse each time.

I feel very alone right now. I don’t like the feeling of constantly having panic attacks like these and thinking too much. I can’t stop thinking. But right now I don’t like anything feels like there isn’t any positive outcome because I don’t want to go home and feel the same sadness that everyone is having fun while I’m at home feeling sad. This feeling I have isn’t sadness it’s just anxiety or something I can’t explain. I feel like I’m going exactly back to what I used to do because I feel the exact way now but worse. It feels like I’m just trapping everything in my head. It seems like something in my head or in general prevents me from being happy. Prevents me from being able to live so instead I go back to daydreaming, or thinking, or fantasizing or movies and shows. And then I finally started to feel happy and live and then it went away and now I can’t daydream anymore so I don’t know what to do. I feel this feeling of hopelessness but also restlessness. I can’t sleep. I can’t wake up. Feels like things are slowly getting worse. Because, the longer I stay like this the longer and more I think and start going back to what I used too. It feels worse then 3 days ago. And it’s always just been an endless circle. An endless cycle. And I’m very tired and now I’m losing hope in this endless cycle. I also feel like again im missing out on a lot of things. I also feel very ugly. I feel very ugly. That’s a big one I haven’t talked about. I actually have never really talked about this like fully but u have a big big issues with confidence from how I look.

I hate the feeling I’m feeling right now. It sucks. I started taking meds, I talked about that on about day four of taking meds. It’s supposed to take about a week or so to like actually start working but then I searched it up and I know the doctor said I might feel a little bad at first but I think she dumbed it down because now researching it I’m supposed to feel like shit before I can feel good again. Seems really fucked.

I just don’t feel good. I’m not sure what to say or how else to describe any of this. It’s just so bad I hate everything right now. If one thing negative becomes positive I start worrying about something else. It’s not even if it becomes positive it’s just if I get comfortable with something bad my mind just switches to something else to worry about. And I’m not even going to lie to you.

Bad after bad after bad thing keeps happening to me. Like a bullet after another. That has HAS to be sign of something but I DONT KNOW.

Can someone please just tell me. Universe what am I supposed to do? Universe please guide me to feel happy and become better then I was before.

I’ve realized that I’ve never really understood the struggles my friends were going through. I’d always been the therapist or advice friend. And now being on the other side and not doing well at all it’s so hard. I understand so much except I’ve always had smile depression where I could just hide it. Now it become severe depression which is kind of what happens with too much of masking you sadness and untreated adhd. It’s a real struggle right now. It’s just hard. Everything has to happen for a reason I just hate feeling this sadness.

just an old random brain dump. sometimes everything is just so very hard. that's all i have to say right now.

bonus episode (1)

Depression is really hard. It hurts when your sad and your just grasping for the next thing that can make you feel even just a little a bit better. Every time I fixate on one thing, tricking myself into believing its the solution so when things like medication that are the solution, I don't believe it. I need to get treated and I need to see a doctor but waiting for it is so hard. I've been waiting for the next best answer and now slowly disappointing myself. I don't know what to do. I'm just.. just. I don't know.

Hey, I get it. Trust me I get it completely. Life can be so unfair and so hard but you really aren't alone. Me and you were going through this together. Even when I think nothing matters anymore. Even, when I struggle to just get through the day. I do. I still am. I'm still here going and so are you. Sometimes even when everything's hard it does get better. Me and you were just waiting for the storm to pass. We got this. Even if it feels like we're underwater drowning and no one can see. I believe in you. So just sit down and take a break. Because we're both suffering together.

Right now, I'm going through a lot. Hey. Its nice to meet you. It really sucks when life hits you with all the struggles you can't seem to carry. I wanted to let you know that you really aren't alone. You and me we're struggling together. And soon we will make it out alive, because look at us we're still going. Nothing else matters. Lets try to take it slowly, lets just try to do our best. Even with how cringey that sounds it'll be okay. Everything will get better. The storm just seems so bad right now. And time is both our biggest enemy and friend. I'm so sorry. I wish everything would be okay again but its different for us and it always has been.