In this week’s episode; we learn more about Jill and her terribleness, even outside of school, as she vandalizes and terrorizes her neighborhood all in the spirit of “Halloween pranks”. How dare she ruin the sanctity and glory of Halloween that way? Throw in some intense ongoing bullying and assault, throw in a little casual racism and Boom, Judy Blume thinks she has an appropriate book for 4th graders.

Join us as we journey through the most definitely not a YA book to teach the lesson of anti-bullying that it states it is. We dive in to meet our narrator Jill and her classmates as they begin their tale of bullying, portrayed as harmless fun, and the group of parents, teachers, nannies, and various other oblivious adults. Warning, this is not a kind book and we are not kind to it or its author, but maybe we can all learn more about accountability.

It's almost time for Margo's evil plan! Everything will be fine as long as no one talks to each other about the weird shit that keeps happening this holiday season. Elizabeth wears a very specific dress, and Jessica is chipper enough to attend an NYE party after the death of her boyfriend.

Sure this will all be fine.

And it is!

And Jess has zero consequences for her horrible actions as we wrap up the thrilling conclusion of The Evil Twin!

The Wakefield twin’s parents are morons and are stranded in San Francisco on a fake trip that they never questioned.

Margo, the evil twin, has an elaborate and meticulous plan that all hinges on Elizabeth wearing a particular dress so hopefully, she doesn’t change her mind! She doesn't, it's fine.

Margo also has the best shoplifting scene ever and becomes our hero.

Elizabeth and Jess are still not talking because Jessica drugged her (whoopsie!) and the evil doppelganger Margo uses it to her advantage to go on a "sexually aggressive" date with Todd.

Todd just thinks its Jessica and being the POS he is, doesn’t tell Elizabeth. Probably because he used to date Jessica when Elizabeth was in jail but hey, he’s handsome so it’s fine.

Jessica’s boyfriend calls to meet her in a super creepy location to break up and he dies. Still, no one notices anything so get ready for a lot of sarcastic eye-rolling on our end.

Meet Jessica and Elizabeth, the SUUUPER different and beloved twins of Sweet Valley High and the cast of characters of their lives who seem incapable of having a basic conversation which would have prevented this whole terrible plot!

And we do mean terrible.

But, before we get into that, we need everyone to accept some basic things.

1. All blonds look exactly the same

2. Even your best friends and family cannot tell when an evil doppelganger in a wig is impersonating you

3. And no one is creeped out by the dude in the elf suit.

We all on board for this somehow holiday adventure? Ok good.

Never has a lamer hero fallen victim to such a ridiculously self- inflicted murder. Bro, you knew what was happening. Your girl asked to tie you up with your clothes on, She has a horse trough full of bad coke she wants to use to murder you--wait what? Yup. There was slim to no chance anyone could save you Or is there...there isn’t. It’s fine. But listen in on our final Episode for the least sexy almost-sex scene and the murder we all kind of supported.

Theo is apparently a drunken sharpshooter rivaling any Marine Corps marksmen, Sammie can’t seem to vocalize why she so badly she wants to see the naked cheerleader pics, and Herb’s dream girl gets and entire sentence devoted to the horrific childhood trauma she suffered. Check out these SUPER well fleshed out sub-plots in Episode 3 of our review of Christopher Pike’s Die Softly.

In Episode 2, we dive into the dramatic mystery of developing film-ehh err sorry a murder plot. And Herb learns that it is totally normal for girls to sneak up on each other with bats, tee hee. Oh girls. Also kids throw water balloons at cars knowing they could kill them and everyone carries around trash bags of coke at all times. Sure Pike, that’s normal.

Meet Herb, arguably the worst book hero ever, who just wants to take pics of cheerleaders in the shower. What’s so wrong with that? Everything Herb. Everything. But dont worry, Herb isnt alone in this cast of awful humans. Theo the town drunk who carries guns everywhere? Lisa the coke fiend? Or worst of all Sammie, the best friend who is dumpy. Enjoy episode 1 of our review of Christopher Pike’s Die Softly where we learn the tragic tale of our “hero”.