Why aren’t we talking about this?

Why does female ambition still come with so much explaining? You want the promotion, the bigger business or the opportunity to be seen, but admitting it can bring up a whole other set of questions. Will people think you’re selfish? Does it make you less committed to your family? What happens if you become more successful than your partner?

Identity coach Nadia Patel joins me to talk about the ambitions we downplay and the ways we wait to be noticed rather than asking for what we want. She introduces what she calls “identity lag”: being more capable and experienced than the version of yourself you’re still carrying around in your head. We explore how that can show up in what you charge, the opportunities you pursue and whether you believe you belong in the room. I also share my own contradiction: wanting to be more visible and outspoken, then catching myself shrinking because I’m worried people will think I’m getting too big for my boots.

We get into the relationship questions too, including being more ambitious than your husband, worrying about outgrowing people and recognising contributions that don’t come with a salary or job title. Nadia reflects on trying to make her husband more career-driven before recognising the things he already brought to their life together. If you know there’s something you want to go for but keep softening it, qualifying it or waiting for someone to pick you, this conversation will feel familiar.

In this episode:

Admitting your ambition: why saying what you want can feel more exposing than quietly working towards it.

Waiting to be picked: the difference between hoping someone notices your contribution and putting yourself forward.

What Nadia calls “identity lag”: when your picture of yourself hasn’t caught up with your capabilities.

Being more ambitious than your partner: questioning whose goals count and what each person brings to a relationship.

The fear of being “too much”: anticipating judgment, downplaying your successes and making small changes to how you show up.

Find out more about Nadia and her work at nadiapatelcoaching.com.

Listen to next:

People Pleasing — Heidi Cullip. Explore how other people’s expectations can shape your choices before you’ve even asked what you want.

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Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

Responsive desire might be a new phrase to you (it was to me), but the experience may sound familiar: you enjoy sex when it happens, wonder why you don’t do it more often, then get swept back into everyday life and barely think about it again. What happens when you’re both waiting to feel spontaneously in the mood, while tiredness, work and the never-ending to-do list fill the space between you?

Adult sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay joins me to explore the things we were never taught about desire and pleasure. Drawing on her coaching work and her years as a striptease artist, Ruth challenges the narrow assumptions we make about men: that they always want sex, that they all enjoy the same things, and that their experience is somehow less complicated. We also discuss how couples can share a bed for years while carrying very different interpretations of their sex life, sometimes built around a misunderstanding neither has ever mentioned.

This conversation gets personal when I share the body insecurities I’d carried for more than twenty years without explaining them to my husband, and what happened when we finally talked. We explore the pressure to perform, worries about how our vulvas look and smell, and the difference between making time for intimacy and agreeing in advance to have sex. If you love your partner but feel stuck in familiar routines, distracted in intimate moments or unsure why desire rarely arrives by itself, there’s plenty here to recognise and talk about together.

In this episode:

Responsive desire versus spontaneous desire: Ruth explains why feeling interested in sex doesn’t always happen out of the blue.

The assumptions we make about men: making room for individual preferences, insecurities and desires beyond the stereotypes.

Scheduling intimacy: protecting time for connection without creating an obligation to have sex.

Your brakes and accelerators: an exercise for exploring what gets in the way of desire and what helps you feel more interested.

Body image and sexual pleasure: the thoughts that can pull us out of the moment, and the conversations our partners may not realise we need.

Find out more about Ruth and her work at ruthramsay.com.

Listen to next:

Talking About Sex — Ally Iseman. Take the conversation into asking for what you enjoy and talking with your partner about changing needs.

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About the show:

Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

Hustle culture has left me with a belief I find difficult to shake: if I want to earn good money, I should be working bloody hard for it. When someone tells me they’ve built a business around having more freedom, my first reaction isn’t always admiration. Sometimes it’s suspicion and, if I’m honest, envy. Is she a con artist, is this a pyramid scheme?

Lorna Lyons, founder of the MumBOSS Network, joins me to unpack that reaction and question why success feels more believable when it comes with exhaustion. A former teacher who moved into business after becoming a mother, Lorna shares why time with her children shaped the kind of business she wanted to build. We discuss the distinction she makes between putting in effort and working every available hour, alongside her experience of moving towards online group programmes. She also talks about the difficult first year, the financial uncertainty and the times she took on work for the cash rather than because it suited the life she wanted.

We explore feeling guilty for not working, making room to think and recognising when jealousy is pointing towards something you want for yourself. Lorna shares the role that mentors, community, positive psychology and her spiritual beliefs have played in her approach. I reflect on wanting freedom and adventure while filling my days with work that leaves little space for either. If you struggle to close the laptop without feeling you should be doing more, this conversation asks what might change if you stopped using hours worked as your measure of progress.

In this episode:

The belief that money has to be hard-earned: why working constantly can feel like proof that you deserve success.

Suspicion, envy and other uncomfortable reactions: what came up for me when Lorna described a different way of working.

Effort versus endless hours: Lorna’s experience of building a business around the time she wanted for her family.

Moving beyond trading every hour for money: her perspective on online courses, memberships and group programmes.

Creating thinking space: stepping away from constant input and noticing whether your working habits support the life you want.

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Apple

About the show:

Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

Burnout in women can sit behind a very convincing “I’ve got this”. You’re keeping work moving, looking after other people and finding a reason for every sign that you’re struggling. When everyone knows you as capable and resilient, how do you admit that the load has become too much?

Rehabilitation physiotherapist and health and wellbeing coach Shena Lee-Anthony joins me to share the experience she now understands as severe burnout. While navigating divorce, a senior role and caring for a seriously unwell child, she kept telling herself she could manage, until she reached a point where she could no longer get up from the sofa. Looking back, she describes feeling exhausted but wired, waking without feeling rested and becoming irritated by things that would normally have brought her joy.

We talk about the shame of not coping, the identity wrapped up in being “the strong one”, and why asking for help can feel so difficult. I recognise my own perfectionism and people pleasing in the conversation, including the habit of taking everything on without making room to recover. Shena shares how she approaches support, pacing and finding forms of rest that suit the individual, while acknowledging that caring responsibilities and workplace pressures can make slowing down far more complicated than it sounds. If you look like you’re managing but privately feel depleted, this conversation offers space to be more honest about what you’re carrying.

In this episode:

The signs Shena explained away: exhaustion, difficulty switching off, irritability and no longer feeling like herself.

Being “the capable one”: how resilience can become an identity that makes admitting difficulty feel exposing.

People pleasing and perfectionism: recognising the patterns that can add to an already demanding load.

Rest that suits you: exploring why recovery time doesn’t look the same for everyone.

Asking for support: acknowledging what feels unmanageable and considering what needs to change around you.

Find out more about Shena and her work at FemExec Wellness.

This conversation shares personal experience and general information. If exhaustion is persistent, unexplained or affecting daily life, speak to your GP rather than assuming it is burnout.

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Wanting more from life doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for the life you already have. So why can it feel so uncomfortable to admit it?

Your career’s fine, your relationship’s alright, and you’ve got plenty to be grateful for. But there’s still that question: is this it? Recorded live at Home, Life & You at ExCeL London, this conversation with identity coach Nadia Patel explores how to figure out what you want in life when you’ve spent years doing what you thought you should.

I get honest about wanting to be really, really rich while talking down my own value, comparing myself with other people and feeling guilty about wanting their kind of money. We also get into sex becoming a chore, feeling disconnected from my body after IVF, and wanting desire back without quite knowing what I desire anymore. Nadia helps me question the stories underneath those contradictions, including what I believe someone like me is allowed to have.

In this episode:

Knowing what you actually want: three questions to explore the desires you don’t say out loud and the limits you’ve come to accept.

Wanting more money without apologising for it: the tension between ambition, guilt and downplaying your own worth.

How to feel sexy again: making room for pleasure when your own needs have ended up at the bottom of the list.

Putting yourself first without feeling guilty: being grateful for what you have while allowing yourself to want something different.

Changing when the people around you haven’t: navigating friendships, boundaries and the discomfort of becoming someone you haven’t been before.

If you’ve been quietly wondering whether this is all there is, this conversation gives you space to ask what you want now, even if the answer is different from the one you gave twenty years ago.

People Pleasing: Heidi Cullip. Explore how other people’s expectations can shape your choices before you’ve even asked what you want.

Spotify

Apple

Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

Career envy is uncomfortable to admit, especially when you genuinely admire the person you’re jealous of. You can recognise that her work is brilliant, want other women to succeed and still feel that hot, bitter pang of “Why isn’t that me?” What do you do with that feeling and what might it be telling you?

Recorded live with Women in PR and hosted by FINN Partners, I’m joined by Claire Bridges, founder of NowGoCreate, and Elizabeth Treversh, managing partner for consumer at FINN Partners, for an honest conversation about jealousy, comparison and professional success. We talk about promotions, awards and the LinkedIn announcements that can leave you feeling behind. I share my own reaction to reading a brilliant piece of work on a subject I’d been sitting on for years: admiration, followed by genuine rage, followed eventually by the realisation that I was angry about what I hadn’t put into the world.

We explore why another woman’s success can feel threatening, the belief that there’s only one seat available at the top, and whether envy can help clarify what you want or simply leave you stuck. The conversation also moves into the “sliding doors” version of yourself, the career or life you imagine you could have had and how to reflect without turning it into another reason to criticise yourself. With questions from the audience, this is a frank discussion for anyone who has congratulated someone while privately struggling with what their success brings up.

In this episode:

LinkedIn and career comparison: seeing everyone else’s wins without knowing what sits behind them.

Jealousy between women: exploring scarcity, representation and the feeling that someone else has taken your place.

Envy as a clue or a blocker: asking what you actually want without insisting every difficult emotion must become productive.

The life you didn’t choose: comparing yourself with an imagined version of who you could have become.

Working with your inner critic: the jealousy map, kinder self-reflection and honest conversations with people you trust.

Thank you to Women in PR and FINN Partners for bringing us together and making space for this conversation.

Spotify

Apple

Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

Recurrent UTIs aren’t just an uncomfortable inconvenience. The burning, the constant urge to pee and the pain can take over your day and infections can sometimes lead to kidney infections and life-threatening sepsis. The scale and seriousness of something we talk about so little blows my mind.

Femtech and digital strategy consultant Katherine Church joins me after spending nearly four months trying to get effective treatment for a UTI. Despite knowing her way around the healthcare system, she found herself going back and forth, taking repeated courses of antibiotics and still looking for answers. That experience led her to bring together people working across healthcare, pharmacy and innovation to ask what could be done differently.

We discuss recurrent UTIs, the menopause connection, the risks when an infection progresses and why better information, appropriate testing and joined-up care matter. Katherine also shares her personal experience of vaginal oestrogen and why she wants more women to discuss prevention with a clinician. Women are dealing with pain, embarrassment and uncertainty, sometimes without knowing when symptoms need urgent attention. I want to help change that by making this a conversation we can have openly, with each other and with the people responsible for our care.

In this episode:

Living with recurrent UTIs: the pain, disruption and frustration of symptoms that keep coming back.

UTIs and menopause: opening up the conversation about hormonal changes, bladder health and Katherine’s experience of vaginal oestrogen.

When a UTI becomes more serious: discussing kidney infections, sepsis and why worsening symptoms need prompt medical attention.

When treatment hasn’t resolved the problem: Katherine’s experience of repeated antibiotic courses and why she is advocating for better diagnostics and more joined-up care.

Feeling able to speak up: reducing embarrassment and asking for clearer explanations, follow-up and support.

Katherine shares her experience as a patient and women’s health advocate; she is not a clinician. Testing, treatment and prevention should be discussed with a qualified healthcare professional. If symptoms worsen or aren’t improving within 48 hours of starting treatment, seek medical advice. Fever, shivering or pain in your back under the ribs need urgent assessment.

Find further information through the NHS guide to UTIs.

Listen to next:

Endometriosis Support — Kyra Bentley. A different health experience, with a shared question: how do you find understanding when symptoms are affecting your everyday life?

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Apple

Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

When life falls apart, how do you find your next step while you’re still frightened, overwhelmed and unsure what’s going to happen? It’s one thing to hear someone explain how a difficult experience changed their life afterwards. It’s another to try to make sense of it while you’re still in the middle of it.

Sarah McDermott, author of Chaos: The Art of Resilience, joins me to share the hospital waiting-room moment that made her question the life she’d built. While being investigated for pancreatic cancer, she was also facing a financial crisis after her business had been defrauded. The cancer tests later came back clear, but the experience brought an uncomfortable realisation: she’d pursued a life of freedom and found herself on another treadmill, with little room for the things she loved.

We talk about coping with uncertainty, recognising familiar emotional patterns and finding room to respond rather than immediately react. Sarah shares the personal and spiritual beliefs that helped her navigate that period, alongside her decision to write the book she’d always wanted to write before the situation was resolved. We also explore people pleasing, the fear of disappointing others and what happens when you admit that something no longer feels right for you. If you’re in a messy transition, this conversation offers an honest account of questioning what comes next while the answers are still taking shape.

In this episode:

The moment that changed Sarah’s priorities: facing a health scare alongside the possible loss of her business and home.

Finding agency during uncertainty: considering what you can influence when you can’t control the whole situation.

Making room for difficult feelings: Sarah’s approach to anger, sadness and pausing before a difficult conversation.

Recognising familiar patterns: noticing the stories and reactions that seem to repeat across different parts of your life.

People pleasing and being yourself: the peanut analogy that made me rethink trying to be liked by everyone.

Listen to next:

Coping with Redundancy — Jarrod Cocksedge. Hear another conversation about uncertainty, losing familiar ground and trying to imagine what comes next.

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Apple

Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

This week, we’re doing something a bit different. I’m talking about me. Why, at 41, did I decide to start a podcast, share stories about myself and put insecurities on the internet that I could quite happily have kept between me and my search history?

Despite having been an adult for more than half my life, I still regularly feel like I’ve missed a fairly important briefing. I can run a business, raise a child and look reasonably convincing in a meeting, while privately wondering who decided I was qualified for any of this.

This is a personal reflection on starting something new in midlife, being seen before you feel ready and asking what you actually want when you’ve spent years getting on with things. It’s also about why I keep having these conversations: because saying something I’m slightly embarrassed to admit so often leads to someone else saying, “Oh, thank God. Me too.”

That’s where Why Aren’t We Talking About This? began: honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis, asking: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, identity, confidence, starting something new in midlife, fear of being seen, feeling like an adult, figuring out what you want.

Living with endometriosis can feel lonely, even when you have people around you who love you and want to help. How do you explain unpredictable pain, exhaustion and fears about your fertility when you’re still trying to understand what’s happening yourself?

My guest, Kyra Bentley was only 26 when she was told she had stage-four endometriosis and adenomyosis. She shares the experience of chasing results, receiving frightening information about her fertility and trying to process what it could mean for the family she hopes to have. This conversation takes place while she is still working through those questions, without a neat conclusion or certainty about what comes next.

We talk about feeling let down by your body, the guilt that can surface within a relationship and the isolation of not knowing how to put your experience into words. She also shares what happened when she decided to speak publicly while supporting a petition about NHS-funded egg freezing: women began reaching out with their own stories, bringing a sense of understanding she hadn’t realised she needed. Whether you’re looking for endometriosis support or want to understand someone close to you, this conversation explores how much it can mean to hear, “I get it.”

In this episode:

Life beyond painful periods: her experience of unpredictable symptoms and their impact on work, relationships and everyday plans.

Endometriosis and fertility fears: processing difficult conversations about her options and the cost of egg freezing.

Feeling disconnected from your body: anger, guilt and the challenge of being kinder to yourself.

Sharing before you have the answers: why she decided to speak publicly while still in the middle of her experience.

Finding people who understand: the comfort of community alongside support from friends, family and a partner.

This episode shares personal experience rather than medical advice. Symptoms, treatment and fertility options vary; discuss your circumstances with a qualified healthcare professional. For further information and support, visit Endometriosis UK.

Listen to next:

Male Infertility — Alex Wortley. If the fertility questions resonated, this conversation explores uncertainty, different ways of coping and supporting each other as a couple.

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Apple

Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.

Posting children on social media can feel like an ordinary part of family life: the first day of school, a birthday, something funny they’ve said. But how much of their story are we making public before they’re old enough to understand what that means? Where does sharing our experience as parents become sharing something that belongs to them?

Lisa Ventura MBE, founder of the AI and Cybersecurity Association, joins me to explore children’s privacy online, the risks of sharing photos and the questions that privacy settings alone can’t answer. We discuss identifying details such as school uniforms and routines, the possibility of images being copied or misused, and how AI adds another dimension to those concerns. I come into this as a parent who wants to understand what I’m sharing, who it’s for and what the consequences could be.

The conversation also moves into consent, family boundaries and who controls the version of us other people see. Lisa shares her own experience of having personal stories and images shared against her wishes, and we discuss children’s diagnoses, distress and vulnerable moments becoming content. Social media has brought real friendship and connection into both our lives, but does staying connected require making everything public? If you’re a parent, grandparent or someone who shares family life online, this conversation offers plenty to think about before the next post.

In this episode:

Sharing children’s photos online: considering the audience, identifying details and what could happen beyond the original post.

Consent and the freedom to say no: listening to children’s wishes while recognising that adults remain responsible for protecting their privacy.

When private moments become content: discussing diagnoses, difficult days and the stories children may later wish had stayed within the family.

Boundaries with parents and relatives: Lisa’s experience of asking for more control over her own images and personal information.

Connection without broadcasting everything: thinking more carefully about what we share, with whom and why.

For practical guidance, visit Internet Matters.

People Pleasing — Heidi Cullip. Take the wider question of boundaries into a conversation about making personal choices without managing everyone else’s reaction.

Spotify

Apple

Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human.

Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday.