Br. David Vryhof

Matthew 18:21-35

It’s no wonder that Jesus made such a big deal of forgiveness in his teachings and in his parables. Forgiveness is essential to healthy human relationships. The French Jesuit and theologian, François Varillon, once said, “People cannot live together unless they forgive each other just for being who they are.” We all need to forgive and be forgiven, over and over again, if our life together is to be life-giving, and if we are to be the agents of healing and reconciliation in the world that Christ calls us to be.

Sometimes it’s easy to forgive. We find no difficulty in setting aside the incident and moving on. But at other times we may find it extremely difficult to forgive the one who has hurt us. We may believe that we should forgive; we may even want to forgive. But we recognize that our heart is so full of anger and pain that we cannot yet say, “I forgive you,” and mean it. A declaration of forgiveness at this point would be dishonest and premature. In circumstances like these, we can at least set ourselves on a path towards forgiveness, recognizing that arriving at forgiveness is a desirable and necessary goal, not only because we are commanded to forgive one another “seventy times seven,” but also because forgiveness will rid our hearts of the toxic presence of resentment, anger, and bitterness.

Why is it so important to forgive? First, let’s consider the costs of withholding forgiveness. “When you hold resentment toward another,” Catherine Ponder writes, “you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Without forgiveness, the hurt we have experienced is perpetuated and passed on to others. Anger, bitterness and resentment take root in our hearts and gradually change us from within. We stay mired in the past and lose our ability to be present in the moment and to be hopeful about the future. We may become bitter and cynical, or we may be tempted to seek revenge, which will lock us into a cycle of violence that will bring on a whole series of disappointments and misfortunes. Withholding forgiveness is not a healthy option.

Second, let’s consider the benefits of forgiving. Forgiveness is essential to our spiritual well-being; it is the necessary outcome of loving one another as God has loved us. “Forgive us our sins,” we pray, “as we forgive those who sin against us.” Jesus commands us to forgive, repeatedly, just as we have been forgiven. Forgiveness allows our broken hearts to heal and sets us free; it enables us to cultivate a loving heart towards others. It will afford us a clear conscience and bring us peace. There is every reason to set out on the path to forgiveness.

There are several important caveats that we have to mention in regard to forgiveness.

First, it is essential at the outset to rule out the possibility of taking revenge. Even if we feel that revenge is justified, in the end it will lead only to further misery and guilt, and will deepen our resentment, hostility and anger. We must do our best to avoid it at all times. So before you start on this path, rule out the possibility of taking revenge.

Second, remember that this path leads to forgiveness, but not necessarily to the restoration of the relationship as it was before. Sometimes we realize that we cannot and must not try to restore a relationship. If it was abusive, we must not risk putting ourselves back in a vulnerable place. We can still forgive the person; but we can choose not to allow that person back into our life.

Third, we must put a stop to the offensive actions of the other. As long as the offensive behavior continues there can be no possibility of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean giving up our rights or cowering before the offender. Putting an end to offensive behavior may mean confronting the person, or seeking outside assistance, or even appealing to the justice system. But their hurtful actions must stop.

Forgive then, even if your offender accepts no responsibility for the offense, expresses no remorse for their actions, and refuses to change. Forgiveness is not dependent of their words or actions.

Forgive, even when you know you cannot return to the way things were.

Forgive, because it is necessary for your own health and well-being, and because withholding forgiveness poisons your soul.

Forgive, even when you recognize that at present you can only begin the journey. You want to arrive at a place where you can recall the one who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. But it may take time to get there. Keep moving forward, keep trying to arrive at forgiveness. The rewards are well worth the effort.

“We love because God first loved us,” the author of 1 John reminds us. So, too, we forgive because God has first forgiven us. Remembering that God has forgiven us gives us the power to forgive one another.