Being misunderstood as an autistic or AuDHD adult can set off something that feels a lot like rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), and about half the time I don't even catch it happening until hours or days later. In this episode I get into why that delay happens and what I do about it.
I get into why I think being misunderstood can register as a rejection when you're autistic or AuDHD, and why a nervous system reaction can show up well before any logical assessment of what happened arrives. I also cover how the autistic and the ADHD versions of this can run on completely different timelines, and what alexithymia and low interoception add to the processing delay. After that I go through two options, one for the times you catch a misunderstanding while it's happening, and one for the version where you only work it out at 2 a.m. three days later.
The second part of this episode answers a question that comes up in our communities quite a bit, which is how to tell the difference between being anxious because a task is new and being anxious because someone is watching you do it. I use an example from my own history where I could get on a stage in front of a room full of people without any trouble at all, and then found one particular one on one situation of being watched while I work really hard. I go through how masking adds onto that thing of being perceived, how to work out which one is draining you, and what you might adjust if it turns out to be the being watched part.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN:
- Why being misunderstood can produce close to the same reaction as being rejected
- What to do when you catch a misunderstanding while it's still happening, and the two situations where that stops working
- How to process a late realization without spending a long time on that thing
- How to tell whether the exhausting part is the task, the being watched, or the masking
CHAPTERS:
0:00 The misunderstanding is hard to catch
2:03 Intro and what's in this episode
3:07 Where the term RSD came from, and what the research actually shows
4:48 Why being misunderstood can register as a rejection
6:05 Why the nervous system arrives before the logic does
7:43 How the autistic and the ADHD versions run on different timelines
8:30 What alexithymia and low interoception add to the delay
9:32 What happened to me the morning I recorded this (and no, I didn't expect to talk about this!)
11:31 Option one, for when you catch it in the moment
14:24 The two situations where option one stops working
14:50 Option two, for the delayed realization
17:40 How much space to leave before you process it
18:26 Why this is harder than I make it sound
19:42 Community question: being perceived versus doing something new
24:33 Where masking sits on top of being watched
26:29 What you can adjust, and what to do when you can't
About Audio and Video
This show is available as a video on YouTube. Some audio you are hearing is taken from the video versions that are recorded outside, and why there are some changes in the microphone quality.
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About
This podcast was created, written, and is hosted by Jen deHaan. Jen has certifications related to healthy communities (Tufts University Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy), nervous system regulation, and she is a trauma-informed certified coach. She is working towards her board certified coach (BCC) credential, and has a BFA in teaching creative arts to adults. You can find her full bio here.
This podcast was made in British Columbia, Canada by Jen deHaan.
I respectfully acknowledge that I live and work on the unceded traditional territory of the Coast Salish peoples, and honour the homelands of the Qualicum First Nation and the Snaw-naw-as First Nation, as well as the ties of the Snuneymuxw and K'ómoks First Nations. I would like to express gratitude to these and all First Nations for their continued stewardship of these lands and waters where I create these episodes.
DISCLAIMER:
Wired Divergent is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you're in crisis or need clinical support, please reach out to a qualified professional.
Crisis & Support Resources: https://jendehaan.com/mental-health-resources
Full Disclaimer: https://jendehaan.com/disclaimer
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
OP3 - https://op3.dev/privacy
