If you are neurodivergent and you socialize, which you probably do, you probablly get hit with the social tax of social masking (or camouflaging) on an almost daily basis. It can lead to meltdown, shutdown, autistic burnout, and more because it is really hard on our nervous systems and body. Most conversations about autistic masking stay on the psychology, or in that "you shouldn't mask" or "hey, just unmask!") territory, so in this episode I cover the body side of things.
We should be able to "just unmask". Sure, it would be so great! But the reality is we live in a world that still forces us to do this for safety or need. So until we can just unmask, this episode helps with things you can do in the moment in social situations, because sometimes we can't afford to not mask (for safety, for access, because of various marginalizations, etc).
Social masking asks the autonomic nervous system to run a sustained performance for hours, and for a lot of neurodivergent people that load does not clear with a single good night's sleep. I walk through what happens physiologically when masking runs too long, and how it connects to allostatic load and what some autistic communities call masking debt. I also get into why the collapse that follows can feel so far out of proportion to the day, and why low interoception and alexithymia make the cost so hard to notice while it builds.
Then I cover two nervous system tools, that I adapted for neurodivergent brains, that give you something concrete to do in the moment.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN:
- How to tell when masking has pushed you past what your nervous system can recover from
- Why standard advice like "just unmask" or "give yourself permission to rest" does not reach the real load
- The body signals that show the cost is building before you hit collapse
- How two CRM skills, reworked to be inclusive for neurodivergent bodies, fit into a heavy masking day
- Why this load can be difficult if you also code-switch or face dismissal in medical settings
CHAPTERS:
0:00 The post-social collapse most masking talk skips
1:27 Why this one is personal
3:45 What social masking does to the nervous system
7:54 Why "just unmask" misses the actual problem
12:37 Allostatic load and the idea of masking debt
16:37 The body signals that show the cost is building
23:24 Why "give yourself permission to rest" rarely lands
25:00 Two CRM skills, adapted for neurodivergent brains
30:03 Building a masking-recovery practice that fits you
31:53 Coaching, newsletter, and where to go next
SCIENCE:
Studies on the costs of autistic camouflaging and masking:
https://docs.autismresearchcentre.com/papers/2017_Hull_Putting-on-my-best-normal.pdf
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6483965/
https://pdxscholar.library.pdx.edu/socwork_fac/378/
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1750946723001320
On why science doesn't support the biology claims of Polyvagal Theory, and why it is harmful for neurodivergent people (supported with science): https://jendehaan.com/blog/is-polyvagal-theory-debunked-2026/
and
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301051123001060
Community Resilience Model (CRM), Trauma Resource Institute: https://www.traumaresourceinstitute.com/crm
RESOURCES & LINKS:
Neurodivergent coaching (1:1): https://jendehaan.com/coaching
Group practice: https://jendehaan.com/offscript/ (introductory program coming soon, check site for other options in future)
Resources and blog posts: https://jendehaan.com
Podcast version and regulation practice episodes: https://jendehaan.com/wired-divergent
Newsletter signup: https://jendehaan.com/newsletters
About Audio and Video
This show is available as a video on YouTube. Some audio you are hearing is taken from the video versions that are recorded outside, and why there are some changes in the microphone quality.
NEURODIVERGENT RESOURCES FROM JEN:
- AuDHD and autistic coaching (1:1): https://jendehaan.com/
- Regulation Practice Library (free!): https://jendehaan.com/wired-divergent/practices/
- Newsletter signup: https://jendehaan.com/newsletters
- Wired Divergent videos: https://youtube.com/@jendehaan
- Resources and blog posts: https://jendehaan.com
Support the show
- We love our podcast host Capitvate.fm! Contact to ask me anything, anytime. Sign up with Captivate here: https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=yzjiytz
- We have our newsletters on Kit.com. Sell products, get tips, and a newsletter too. Easy, and they don't take a cut! https://partners.kit.com/ijdkivtf8ndd
- Transcriptions by MacWhisper. I use and love the Pro version (subscription free! Local!) - you can get it too using this link: https://gumroad.com/a/20303251/ivpqk
- Run Coaching or Courses? Absolutely love ClarityFlow. Seriously. Ask me anything, or sign up here.
About
This podcast was created, written, and is hosted by Jen deHaan. Jen has certifications related to healthy communities (Tufts University Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy), nervous system regulation, and she is a trauma-informed certified coach. She is working towards her board certified coach (BCC) credential, and has a BFA in teaching creative arts to adults. You can find her full bio here.
This podcast was made in British Columbia, Canada by Jen deHaan.
I respectfully acknowledge that I live and work on the unceded traditional territory of the Coast Salish peoples, and honour the homelands of the Qualicum First Nation and the Snaw-naw-as First Nation, as well as the ties of the Snuneymuxw and K'ómoks First Nations. I would like to express gratitude to these and all First Nations for their continued stewardship of these lands and waters where I create these episodes.
DISCLAIMER:
Wired Divergent is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you're in crisis or need clinical support, please reach out to a qualified professional.
Crisis & Support Resources: https://jendehaan.com/mental-health-resources
Full Disclaimer: https://jendehaan.com/disclaimer
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
OP3 - https://op3.dev/privacy
