Wisdom Cafe

INTRO
The years from 45 to 60 or so are regarded as middle years in adult development. But many people fail to navigate that transition well and get stuck, or worse move forward carrying old, unnecessary baggage. How well you deal with losses in your life is at the centre of that. In this episode, Rob discusses loss, grief and moving forward with a lightness in your step.

WHAT WE COVER

• Transitioning through phases of life
• Midlife 45-60 years of age
• Getting stuck not properly dealing with what needs to be left behind
• Not refreshing your identity suitable for older life stages
• Undealt-with loss can trip us up as we progress in life
• Major losses - marriage, a parent, a child, a career, your wealth, physical etc
• Minor losses - illness, loneliness, a disappointment, lockdown freedoms etc
• All lives carry gains and advantages, as well as losses
• To move on effectively, you need to grieve your losses well
• Moving from earlier adulthood to later requires transition
• Accepting what you no longer have or no longer exists
• Shifting some of your values
• The young-old polarity - a psychosocial reality
• The red sports car, big motorbike, dressing like a 30-year-old
• Recapturing the sense they had from youth
• Revisiting your old favourite music from 30 years ago - happy memories
• Some losses you never recover from 100%
• But we shouldn’t debilitated by them forever
• Follow a process of identifying, accepting and grieving.
• How was your 2021?
• Moving forward to 2022 feeling lighter and freer.

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO OUR LIFE

• Spend focused time alone
• Identify and write down your main losses
• Take each one, and look it squarely in the eyes
• Accept it - say so out loud
• Feel it - accept the feeling you’re experiencing
• Grieve it properly
• Decide to leave it behind - let it slip away.
• Focus on what you do value - what do you want now?
• Look for relevant ways to make them real in your life from now on.

Christmas is a wonderful time of year and it’s just around the corner as we speak. Trouble is, it’s also a very stressful time. And, if we’re stressed, it’ll have a negative effect on others too. How can we navigate December (or any time of year) with less stress, less anxiety, more calm and more peace? In this episode, Rob shares six simple ways you can do so.

WHAT WE COVER

• Life is fast and getting faster
• Complex and getting more complex
• Family traditions like our Sunday dinner with Mum and Dad
• The artificial goals, KPIs and other metrics of the corporate world
• Getting older often means wanting different things
• Calm and peace is very desirable
• Over 50s want freedom, choice and general contentment
• Science shows that too much stress generates the wrong hormones
• Cortisol is helpful, to a point
• Too much cortisol changes your physiology
• Osteoporosis
• Mood swings
• Our modern lifestyle can facilitate these health issues
• Reduce stress by:
  • Taking longer (antidote to rushed driving and walking)
  • Meditate (learn to raise your awareness of the present moment)
  • Walk (change your content, get fresh air, observe)
  • Pause (adding a few seconds of stillness before reacting, moving, responding)
  • Reduce the incoming (turning off advertising, notifications, emails)
  • Deep breaths (‘nuff said).
• When we are less stressed, it helps others around us too.  

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

Today’s episode is very practical so perhaps replay the last 10 minutes for the six best ideas on how to deliberately create more room, space and time in your day to day life. 

There’s no doubt that we have significant problems in the world. But better arguments aren’t going to make better people or a better world. Changing our attitude towards others will. What causes the barriers and what can we do about it? In this episode Rob Bialostocki explores how we view other people and suggests an alternative.

WHAT WE COVER

• It’s easy to think warmth and love for people we like
• This brings nice feelings and good actions
• Love is something the world desperately needs
• What about those who are different, argumentative, or who seem wedded to war?
• ‘Us’ and ‘them’ is at the heart of humanity
• Religion, politics, sports, locations can all be barriers
• We want to belong and feel safe
• We tend to group together with those we think are like us
• Separation creates barriers which can become problematic
• Travelling to Istanbul
• Seeing the Blue Mosque
• “Closed for prayer”
•  Treated as not part of the club
• Differences may not be necessary from hereon
• Heuristics are natural
• Minimising their impact by being deliberate
• Deliberately trying not to categorise others
• Seeing others as just a fellow human being
• Actively trying to wish the best for others
• The more we do it the easier it will become
• Trying to be more open to everyone and trying to be less judgemental
• Focusing on how similar we are
• Wishing warmth, peace and success to everyone you meet.  

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

1. When you’re next out, consciously look at and notice another person.
   1. Pay attention to your thoughts - what are they saying?
   2. Notice whether you use categories such as gender, age, culture etc
   3. Deliberately say to yourself simply, “Look, there’s another person.”
   4. Leave it at that.
2. If your mind persists in categorising them, repeat the exercise.
   1. “There’s someone, a fellow human-being like me.”
3. Wish them good things, success and warmth.
   1. Smile at them, even if they don't see you.
   2. Look at them and say quietly to yourself, “May you be happy. May you be warm and safe. May you find success. All the very best.”
   3. Carry on with your day.
4. The more you consciously do this, the easier it will become.

There’s an old saying that you should follow the straight and narrow path. Trouble is, life is neither straight nor narrow. Instead, it’s wonderfully unpredictable, has many options, and includes all sorts of obstacles and opportunities. In this episode, Rob Bialostocki discusses embracing whatever life brings and navigating it with gratitude.

WHAT WE COVER

• The benefits of reading widely
• Life is not like a motorway
• We like predictable but it can be boring
• There is no pre-determined path for you to follow
• There are twists and turns, speed humps and sometimes blockages
• Your journey depends on the combination of paths you take
• Your life is the experiences you have strung together
• The story of the Southern Crossing
• RIP my brother-in-law Pete
• We can plan, but can’t predict with great accuracy
• Embracing the full gamut of Life’s experiences
• Challenges make you a better person.

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

• Examine your expectations of life in general
• Do you wish it was easy, predictable, enjoyable all the time?
• How do you view mistakes, challenges, problems?
• It may be useful to spend some time writing this down and then seeing how you would re-write those same answers in a more realistic way.
• Cultivating a more real-life mindset reduces anxiety which leads to a more healthy attitude.

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The view of many in society is that when you get older, your life is mostly over and it’s time to go out and play bowls or something. However, there’s a growing mass of people 50+ who feel they’re only just getting started! In this episode, we celebrate the next chapters.

WHAT WE COVER

• The wonderfulness of being young
• Life in front of you vs behind you
• Believing you’re past it
• The wisdom of saving 10%
• Being happier at 60 than at 40
• The psychological U-curve of happiness
• Life’s best moments over time
• Society suggests older age is not so good
• A good life doesn’t consist of just things, holidays or career highs
• Measuring the clarity, contentment and peace you experience
• Inner states versus outer experiences
• Deciding what you want from now on.

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

• Take a few minutes to have a cuppa
• Consider ‘What is my overall experience in life right now?’
• Decided what you really want in life
• Perhaps take a big sheet of paper and imagine yourself living the next 20 years.
  • Where will you be?
  • Who with?
  • What’s the overall spirit of it all?
  • What would you be doing?
  • What would be some things you’ll really enjoy seeing?
  • How will you want others to see you?
• Imagination helps creation.

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Understanding brings insight that can vastly improve the quality of our approach and actions, and the outcomes we can achieve. But first, you need to want to cultivate this kind of mindset. In this episode, Rob Bialostocki explores how better understanding can lead to better community change, a better divorce, and even better use of time and energy.

WHAT WE COVER

• Understanding brings insight and that enables compassion
• Understanding circumstances allows you to make better decisions
• Relationships based on mutual understanding are more rewarding
• It also brings clarity that helps you carve your own path
• Things happen for a reason, even if we don’t know what it is
• Why do we do what we do?
• What are the options?
• You can in fluency more when you understand more
• You need to want to understand - curiosity
• Pushing back on initial or first impressions, or easy answers
• Ockham’s Razor
• Know yourself and how you operate
• You have beliefs, preferences, an agenda
• Knowing how you’re blind
• Confirmation bias
• Ask better questions
• Eg. What’s behind this?
• What’s causing this?
• What other factors might be at play?
• Taking a more useful approach that aligns to cause
• Assess work, family, community group scenarios before choosing a solution
• Developing empathy for the other party brings understanding
• How to be nicer during divorce
• Knowing that reactions have an emotional basis
• You don’t have to agree with them
• Fostering compassion
• “Responding out of compassion is going to be far better than reacting out of self-preservation.”
• Seeing cause and effect allows you to cut them some slack
• The agenda behind advertising
• Knowing the game being played allows you to choose whether to play.

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

It’s about asking yourself questions.

1. What is happening here?
2. Why is this happening? What’s causing it?
3. Given that, is what I’m seeing any surprise?
4. Also given that is probably what’s happening, how should I best respond?

Notice that it has little to do with being right. It has everything to do with being better.

Our lives are filled with possibilities and yet we often forget that nothing is set in stone. We can make changes to areas of our life that just don’t work anymore. In this episode, Rob discusses the kinds of changes that people who want a better life have made.

WHAT WE TALK ABOUT

• The newness of Spring
• Nothing is set in stone
• We act as if things are unchangeable
• From here on, everything is up for grabs
• Relationships, work, religion, lifestyle can all be changed
• Stop acting like you don’t have a choice
• Video: Julia Sweeney - Letting Go of God
• Changing your industry
• Looking for what gives you life again
• Feeling stuck may be due to fear
• Fear of the unknown, making a mistake or taking full responsibility.
• Who is telling you you cannot change?
• You have options.
• Yes, perseverance is good but…
• Don’t keep waiting on the dance floor alone.
• Old friendships that have changed.
• Minimalism brings clarity and simplicity.
• There is more life, love, and experience to come.
• Give yourself permission to change.
• Embrace the journey.   

HOW TO USE THIS IN YOUR LIFE

1. Take some time to review your life.
2. Think about areas like work, love, friendships, activities, lifestyle, beliefs, and so on.
3. Identify any area that isn’t working for you anymore.
4. Don’t spend too much time analyzing it.
5. Instead, try to imagine what you do want instead.
6. Compare that to what you’re currently experiencing.
7. If there’s a significant enough gap, start to deconstruct your notions about that area.
8. Strip away all the parts you don’t want.
9. Give yourself permission to change it.
10. Take a step towards what you want instead. Do something to make it happen.

Retrying, repairing or restoring broken relationships with parents, children or close friends is difficult. But given the importance of these connections in our lives, try we must. The question is, why should we and how do we? In this episode, Rob explains how he developed loving, good relationships with his birth mother after being abandoned by her when he was two, and his father after a cold patch emerged.

WHAT WE TALK ABOUT

• Important relationships are worth more than anything else
• Life satisfaction research
• The role of close relationships
• Friendships are dynamic over time
• Quote: “Relationships are a living thing”
• The commonality of relationship fractures
• Giving and receiving love is central to life
• Silence eats away those involved
• Even if it’s not your fault
• Time is a healer
• Quote: “Time heals many wounds, and can change minds.”
• Nothing stays the same
• Carrying heavy, unnecessary burdens
• The story of my birth mother - making contact after 35 years
• The key is this: you go first
• Having reasonable expectations
• Taking it slow
• Watch and see what happens
• What to do if you get a negative response
• Making some effort can soften hard hearts
• The value of important relationships
• Investing time and energy moving towards the other person
• Free online chat/session www.robbialostocki.com  

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

• Don’t focus on the problems, focus on the possibilities.
• Don’t focus on the injustices, focus on interest.
• Don’t focus on expecting, focus on accepting.
• Take one step towards the other person.
• Enquire, don’t require.
• Keep it short
• Be kind.
• Repeat.

INTRO

We bring our best to the world when we bring our true selves and our own magic. But for many, that is a distinct dream as they labour under layers of unhelpful ideas, expectations and opinions. In short, they’re not being real. In this episode, we explore why this happens and how to let the true you emerge more fully out into the light of day.

WHAT WE TALK ABOUT

• Meditation and its benefits
• No gurus, incense or weird stuff required
• Feeling like there’s a real you somewhere deep down
• Most of our experience is layers of sensation and belief
• We act according to your beliefs
• Practising paying focused attention to the moment
• Breath, sound, sights, sensations, aches, busy mind
• Meditation enables you to realise the layers upon you
• There is much we carry that we simply don’t need to
• Finding yourself isn’t external
• Taking off layers of ideas, expectations and habits
• It’s like a pile of blankets on top of you
• Taking them off reveals the true you
• Saying ‘no’ or ‘no longer!’
• ‘I do not want that anymore.’
• We accumulate layers from our parents, friends, the media, the church…
• Claustrophobic relationships
• Financial hopeless
• Stuck in a life-sucking job
• Doubting long-held religious faith
• The real you emerges from underneath all the layers.

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

The sense you have is okay, it’s proof of life.

1. Give voice to it by writing down your thoughts, concerns and questions. Get them out of your head and onto paper.
2. Decide whether an item either helps or hinders. Categorise your thoughts and feelings to discern their value. Not everything is valuable.
3. Give yourself permission to say no. Or say, I no longer do this. Clear space for yourself by taking things off the table. Talk to them. Reject them.
4. Do some self-enquiry - ask yourself a few critical questions. Ask with your head, but listen with your heart. What is surfacing? Take note of it. Spend time fleshing it out. What does it mean? Why is it important? What would it mean for you? Questions like:
   1. What do I really want from now on?
   2. Who do I truly want to be?
   3. What do I genuinely enjoy doing?

Keep exploring this until further clarity comes.

Take initial actions on things you believe are central to the real you.

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/wisdomcafe)

INTRO

Wisdom is often associated with age. But age does not mean wisdom. In this episode, Rob looks at the essential difference between growing older and growing up. Listen to the story of the two hypothetical little boys who take different paths in life and end up in very different places.

TALKING POINTS

• The beauty of watching little kids at play
• Fast-forwarding your life - what will it be like?
• The story of Mikey A vs M Mikey B
• The so-called normal aspects of a modern life
• Exercising choice to pursue a different path
• Conscious living
• 60-year-olds who still seem to act like a 40-year-old
• Growing old but not necessarily growing up
• Choosing awareness, maturity, and wisdom
• Learning about self, others, and the world
• Enjoying life more
• Experiencing less stress
• Being someone others are drawn to
• Non-financial wealth
• Putting time and energy into personal development
• We’re all biased in our thinking - it’s very human
• Gaining useful insight into others 
• Meditation is about increasing your awareness of the present
• Funny YouTube video
• Developing a habit of spending time each day meditation
• Resource: Waking Up app by Sam Harris
• Resource: 10% Happier app by Dan Harris
• Growing up has little to do with core intelligence
• Contact Rob to share your best ideas
• Get a free 30-minute chat with Rob online.

HOW TO WORK THIS INTO YOUR LIFE

Come to terms with all your life experiences

• Spend some time reflecting on your mistakes, wrong-turns, and failures
• Don’t worry about them, simply identify them
• Sit with them for a while - accept them

Spend time learning how you work as human

Learn to meditate - i.e. becoming aware and present

To do this, you’ll need to have the desire and decide what you’ll stop or forsake to free up time and energy for the above.