Wisdom of the Wounded

When I attended Western Theological Seminary, I was befriended by a man named Stan, one of my professors. As the years went by, Stan and his wife Nancy became friends. A year ago, Stan died after a battle with Parkinson’s disease. Shortly after the anniversary of Stan’s death, I saw Nancy. Her face was radiant when she said, “I must tell you about something wonderful that happened this week!”

Knowing that it was the one-year anniversary of Stan’s death, I wondered: what could possibly be “wonderful”? Nancy then shared that a friend gave her a Yahrzeit candle, which is a special candle that comes from the Jewish tradition of honoring the departed.  Nancy explained, “The candle is lit at sundown on the eve of the anniversary of your loved one’s death and it burns for 24 hours. My children and I met on the anniversary date of Stan’s death.  We placed the Yahrzeit candle in the center of our circle.  Then we shared stories and remembrances of Stan.  It was such a meaningful and special time of remembering.”

I have long encouraged people to care for others by remembering the anniversary of their loved one’s death. Giving a grieving friend this candle is such a caring act and it gives them a tangible way to honor their loved one.

Do you know someone who will soon mark the anniversary of a loved one’s death? If you decide to give them a Yahrzeit candle, perhaps you could also include a few Psalms to consider reading during the lighting of the candle. My personal favorites are Psalms 23, 121, 130, and 142.

Another option is to read a poem that is adapted from the following Jewish prayer of comfort titled, “We Remember Them” by Sylvan Kamens and Rabbi Jack Riemer.

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,

                  Amen.

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Phillipians 4:6  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7

Do not be anxious, Karen!  That is easier said than done.  I am anxious about many things.  How does one cast all her anxiety on God?  Anne Lamont in her book, Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers gives us a way to do this.

Anne writes, “I’ve used for twenty-five years a God box.  This box can be a pillbox, your car’s glove box, or a decorated  box. On a note, I write down the name of the person about whom I am so distressed or angry, or describe the situation that is killing me, and I fold the note up, stick it in the box and close it.

You might have a brief moment of prayer and acknowledge to God that you are turning this person or issue over to him.  ‘Here it is, God, please do something about this situation or that person.’ Then I agree to keep my sticky mitts off the spaceship until I hear back.

The willingness to do such a childish thing comes from the pain of not being able to let go of something. We learn through pain that some of the things we thought were castles turn out to be prisons, and we desperately want out, but even though we build them, we can’t find the door.  Yet maybe if you ask God for help in knowing which direction to face, you’ll have a moment of intuition.  Maybe you’ll see at least one next right step you can take.

The response probably won’t be from God, in the sense of hearing a deep grandfatherly voice.  But the mail will come, or an e-mail, or the phone will ring. You will hear back.”

Yes, oftentimes, when I give my worries over to God, I do “hear back.” Sometimes it’s as simple as a thought popping into my head on how to proceed.

Lord help us to give you our anxieties, and leave them with you, and wait for your answer.  Amen

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By Jennifer V. Miller

I’m looking at a photo from my eldest child’s first day of kindergarten. In it, his big brown eyes shine with anticipation as he proudly climbs the steps of the school bus, ready to embark on an exciting adventure. That photo was taken many years ago, back when we parents knew (more or less) what to expect when we sent our kids off to school. This year, due to the COVID-19 pandemic, there’s way more ambiguity. Many schools across the country are still sorting out the logistics of the new school year. Our students—whether they’re starting their first day of kindergarten—or heading off to college, are going back to school during uncertain times.

Every year in August, Wisdom of the Wounded publishes tips for caring well via our Back to School page. This year, it seems fitting to add a blog post on uncertainty. Since mid-March, I’ve been telling my kids (a college sophomore and a high schooler) that we must gain comfort with the words, “I don’t know” and “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” COVID-19, which showed up with a suitcase packed full of Uncertainty has become like a house guest who’s overstayed their welcome. Will it ever leave?

Even so, I know there is opportunity in the challenges presented by this pandemic. British statesman Benjamin Disraeli famously said, “There is no education like adversity.” So as I prepare to send my children “back to school” (whatever that looks like), here is how I will care for them and prepare them to cope with uncertain times.

One of our cornerstone principles at Wisdom of the Wounded is the Caregiving Basic of “listen.” Our ministry founder, Karen Mulder, reminds us not to try to “fix” someone’s worries, but instead just be there and listen. When my kids express worry, I’m going to wait three seconds before responding so I can fully absorb the essence of their concern. It will help me remain calm and avoid jumping in with a quick fix.

As I talk with fellow parents, it’s clear that we’re all a bit (a lot?) on edge right now. Just because we have more mileage on our Life Experience odometer doesn’t mean that we’re 100% comfortable with the uncertainty surrounding back-to-school. It’s possible your kids are feeling discomfort too. Over the next few weeks when my kids express impatience with me (or sassiness, or massive eye rolling) I will pause and remember that none of us signed up for this. But it’s the reality we’re living with. And kindness is a renewable resource, if only we remember to plug into it.

I’m a fairly optimistic person, but this pandemic has definitely got me spinning “what if’s” at an unhelpful rate. Dr. Ken Ginsburg specializes in adolescent medicine and writes that if we’re caught up in “worst case scenarios,” we need to take a pause. He tells us, “Uncertainty can make our minds race to the worst possible outcome. Catch those thoughts and say, ‘I am imagining the worst. Let me focus on what is really happening.’” Dr. Ginsburg also reminds us that youngsters sometimes assume the worst because they don’t have the life experience to know that tough times do eventually get better. If one of my kids starts to “catastrophize” a situation, I will guide them to see the reality of the situation. I will assure them, “I’m here for you, no matter what.”

My teen and young adult understand (at a conceptual level at least) that they can’t control the circumstances surrounding the pandemic. But as school schedules and re-opening guidelines rapidly shift, it’s normal to want to have some semblance of control. This Psychology Today article was helpful in reminding me to work with my kids to sort out the things that they do have agency over. In the past, when my kids have been overwhelmed or stressed, they have found it helpful for me to sit with them and together, we write a “To Do” list. For one kid, it’s helpful to do a “brain dump” and write it all down. For the other, that’s too overwhelming so we do “a little bit at a time” method and pick Top 3 Things for the Day.

Life is always going to have uncertainty. But this year? Wow! We’re on ambiguity overload. One of the best things we can do for kids going back to school this fall—no matter their age—is to help them navigate the uncertain times we’re in. They’ll gain life skills that will serve them well. Just like my son on his first day of kindergarten, they are heading off to an exciting adventure. And with our support and care, they will thrive, even if they can’t clearly see what’s around the next corner.

About the author: Jennifer V. Miller is a freelance writer and editor who manages content for the Wisdom of the Wounded team. 

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From time to time, I’ve felt called to write about racial injustice. For example, I’ve pondered my role as a bystander by not speaking up about racial injustice. The deaths of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor have put the issue of racism in the United States front-and-center this summer. Racial injustice is so big, so complicated that I’m at a loss for how to help. Where do I begin?

In this video titled Courageous Presence with Racism, author and psychologist Tara Brach says, “We each have a role to play.  We each have medicine we can apply to this illness.” Tara advises to “start right where you are.”

So, where am I? Well, I am a white privileged woman living in a predominantly white, conservative community.  I am fortunate enough to have a house full of books, many of which are children’s books. Over the decades, I’ve read these tales to my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

This New York Times article by Jessica Grose challenged me to consider my personal library through the lens of race. Jessica writes, “A way to raise children who are anti-racist is by making sure your home library has books with black people at the center of their stories.”

When I checked my small library of children’s books, I found that out of 170 children’s books, three had black characters. I do not remember reading these books to my children or grandchildren; in fact, I cannot remember what the stories were about or why I purchased them.  Slowly it dawned on me that I have been a racist and didn’t even know it.

Jessica’s article, These Books Can Help You Explain Racism and Protest to Your Kids contains age-appropriate book recommendations for kids ages 0 -12. That’s perfect for my great-grandchildren, whose ages range from pre-school to kindergarten.  So, I am taking one small step forward and buying several books for them, including Each Kindness, The Youngest Marcher, A Letter to Amy and Whistle for Willie.

I know that ultimately words and books should not be the end of our children’s education about racism. But for me, it is one small step forward. . .as I consider the next step toward making a contribution to end racism.

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When Lara Kallander’s daughter was a young teen, she became very sick and needed care for an extended period of time. Lara says, “It’s hard to feel that you are making progress when someone you love is sick because it may be two steps forward and then one step back.” To cope, Lara started making notes about her ability to support her daughter’s progress, no matter how small. She called it her “Proud Of” list and she found it really helped her as a caregiver.

Lara’s experience in coping with significant family health issues ignited a passion to help others thrive through challenges. Lara got her master’s degree in positive psychology and is now a well-being coach. Through her studies, Lara learned that a “Proud Of” list is one way to cultivate positive emotions. “Taking a moment to recognize your success is critical to making you feel that you can overcome an overwhelming challenge,” offers Lara. Making this list not only helps you be more effective as a caregiver, it can also clarify how you are making a difference.

While there is no “right” or “wrong” thing to put on the list, here are a few examples to help spark ideas.

Plato wrote, “Never discourage anyone…who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.” Give yourself credit for your daily or weekly accomplishments by writing a “Proud Of” list to help you see the forward progress you are making. You’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and it will help you be a better caregiver.

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Do you have a nursing home in your community? Maybe someone who lives there is lonely. And you can help ease their loneliness! “Make someone happy, and you will be happy too!” is a line from an old song and it is so true.  When we reach out and write to a lonely person, not only will that person’s spirits be lifted, but our countenance will shine like the noon day sun. (Isiah 58:10).

You can bring joy to lonely person (anybody really, but especially those who are home bound) by writing a letter, a poem or drawing a picture and sending it along to the nursing home with the note, “Please pass along to someone who needs a bit of cheer.” A handwritten note is such a rare treat these days, and it’s something the older generation really appreciates.

Or, you could multiply the joy! Invite a group of people (perhaps your church group?) to participate in a letter writing project like our Wisdom of the Wounded team member Jennifer Miller did during the pandemic lockdown. (For more information on how to organize a letter writing campaign, see Jennifer’s post, Feeling Less Lonely During Lockdown.)

I participated in Jennifer’s project and wrote a letter to one of the residents at the Aurora Pond retirement community. I was delighted to receive a lovely, handwritten reply from a 96-year-old woman named Helen.* She wrote, “I have memories galore and would love to share.  Also, I’d like to know more about you.”  So, happily, for both of us, I have a new pen pal.

I hope you will write to a lonely person and you will find that it is true, “Make someone happy and you will be happy too.”

Are you unsure what to write? Consider the list of questions from our post, “Telling Life’s Stories.”

*Name changed to protect privacy

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Guest post by Jeff Mulder

“Jump off the boat” is a phrase my wife and I use.  It comes from the movie, Forrest Gump.  There is a scene where Forrest is all alone and is driving his shrimp boat down the river.  He sees his long-lost friend Lieutenant Dan on a dock, and without any hesitation Forest jumps off the boat, swims to shore, and gives Lieutenant Dan a hug.  Can you do that?

I cannot.  I will slow the boat down, pull it over to the dock, put the bumpers out, tie it up, turn it off, and then get out and give Lieutenant Dan a hug.

I do, however, know someone who does “jump off the boat”.  My wife, Jeri, does this almost every day for someone.  She makes plans just like I do.  She has things she wants to get done.  She also has things she needs to get done.  It does not matter.  When someone in need calls, she dumps everything to give that person whatever kind of “hug” she can.  Sometimes this is literally a hug.  More often it is lending an ear. And once in a while, it is an action like taking gym shoes to school, making a food delivery for a local restaurant, or going grocery shopping with a friend who just needs some face time.

Do you have this gift?  Are you able to “jump off the boat” for others?  If you do, I pray that you will nurture it.  While you are likely taken for granted and seldom get a thank you, I assure you that the people you “jump” for appreciate it.  Like me, they may be so caught up in their own issues that they do not even realize you are helping them.  If, however, you are patient, they may surprise you.  They may give you a hug back.  They may even say thank you.  Either way you may be the only person in their life who will “jump” for them.

If on the other hand you are like me and do not possess this gift, I have two suggestions.

Will you “jump off the boat” when someone in need calls?  Will you “cover” for others who can “jump”?  Try it.  God Bless.

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A few months after Jennifer’s dad died, her mother mentioned a very sad observation: nobody would mention his name in her mother’s presence. “I guess they don’t want to upset me” Jennifer’s mother said. “But I want people to talk about your dad. He was a wonderful man and I enjoy hearing people’s fond memories of him.” Right then and there, Jennifer promised herself to help widows keep memories alive of those who have passed.

Here’s an example of how she stays true to her promise.

Melinda’s* husband Bob died during the COVID-19 pandemic. There was no visitation or funeral service. Melinda and her two teenage sons were left to grieve with family and friends via Facebook, text messages and phone calls. Jennifer set up calendar reminders to check in with Melinda every 30 days. (Note: if you know the person well, you could check in every two weeks.) Jennifer says, “many people rush in to help the first few weeks after someone passes away, but then the phone calls and texts taper off.” It’s unfortunate, but true: we go back to our lives, yet the bereaved are left to face their grief every day.

Jennifer and Melinda are acquaintances, so she didn’t know Bob very well. But she did recall that Bob loved baseball. So, during one of her springtime check-ins (via private Facebook message) Jennifer mentioned baseball season and asked Melinda to share a favorite baseball memory. Melinda was so grateful and wrote, “You have no idea how much I appreciate you checking in on me and the boys.”

When someone dies, to avoid talking about the departed is hurtful. It is far more painful for people to not mention the deceased spouse than it is for their widow to talk about them. Those who have lost a loved one want the memories to live on, not fade away. Help widows keep memories alive by talking about and fondly remembering those who have passed.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

For more information and resources, please visit our Caring for the Grieving page. You may also appreciate the tips in our free e-book 122+ Ways to Care Well. Click here to download.

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My friend Carole died on Good Friday during the COVID-19 pandemic.  Because of social distancing requirements, I was not allowed to visit with her husband in person.  We could not hug and share stories about Carole, which is what I would normally do for someone. So, I turned to “distance caregiving” for Carole’s grieving husband.

You’ve probably read the sad stories of how this novel coronavirus has disrupted mourning rituals everywhere. As this article points out, “Grieving, already a tumultuous and lonely affair, has become even more solitary.”

Thankfully, COVID-19 doesn’t prohibit us from sending condolence notes. But don’t send just that one condolence card. As the weeks (and months) go on, grieving people need your attention. Dr. M. Katherine Shear, a psychiatrist, clinical researcher and director of Center for Complicated Grief,  offers this advice: the most important thing is to make sure the grieving family can still feel your presence, even if you can’t physically be there to comfort them. So, check in, and do so consistently over an extended period of time.

Following are some suggestions on how to check in with your grieving friend.

Please find ways to be a constant presence in the person’s life who is grieving the death of a loved one or experiencing other types of losses.  You will be such a blessing, and you will also be blessed.

For more ideas on how to care for others, download our free e-book, 122+ Ways to Care Well.

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