Wisdom of the Wounded

Today I am grumpy.  Really grumpy . . . because my list of “I can’ts” seems impossibly long: I can’t walk because my hip hurts, the COVID pandemic has grounded me, I can’t worship with my church family and I can’t lose weight, just to name of few.

So today I am grumpy.  I was planning to indulge in an all-day self-centered pity party, but then a small voice gave me two pep-talks, or maybe they were more like wisdom teachings:  The first lesson came from an unlikely source.  It was from the movie, Frozen II.  The often-repeated theme of the movie is, “do the next right thing.”

Which led me remember Isaiah 58:10 in which a wise person says, “If you offer food to the hungry and satisfy the needs of the afflicted, then your light shall rise in the darkness and your gloom be like the noonday sun.”

And one of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp, has written, “The best way to de-stress is to bless.”

The best way to de-stress is to bless

So, I followed the advice of ancient wisdom, an author and a Disney film: 

• Wrote notes to some grieving individuals 

• Sent funny cartoons to my friend who is on a cancer journey 

• Made energy bars for my husband

• Made some phone calls to my grandkids

• Continued my journey to become an anti-racist by reading a few educational articles

• Ordered a birthday present for a grandson

• Offered many short thank-you prayers to God

And guess what?!

I AM NO LONGER GRUMPY!

Thank you, God, for the wisdom you sent my way today:

“Do the next right thing.”

“Care for those who are suffering.”

“The best way to de-stress is to bless.”

The post I Am Grumpy! appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

Did you know that going on a hike with kids is good not only for their physical health, but their emotional well-being too? Larry and I have always been huge fans of hiking. Over the years, we have had opportunities to hike not only with our grandkids, but other young people as well. According to the National Recreation and Park Association, hiking provides benefits to kids including improved self-confidence and the ability to “rough it” just a little bit. Plus, being outside in fresh air refreshes the soul.

Consider inviting a young person (and their parent or guardian, if you aren’t a family member) to go on a hike. And when I say “hike” perhaps “walk” is all you or your young friend can do. That’s fine too! The important thing is that you spend time listening to and affirming a young mind.

What to talk about? Oh, that’s easy! Try out a few questions from our “Getting to Know You” questionnaire. Really, any inquiry that gets them talking will do.  Think about family and friends with young kids, tweens and teens. Who can you invite to “take a hike” today?

You may also enjoy: Walk and Talk.

Updated January, 2022

The post Ask Youth to Take a Hike appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

Did you know that 61% of Americans report that they are lonely? I recently read about a wonderful program by the AARP called “Friendly Voices.” Volunteers make phone calls to lonely individuals who have requested to hear from someone. In the first few months of the program, which was started during the COVID 19 pandemic to help combat loneliness, over 4,000 people signed up to receive calls.

I wonder – do you know a lonely person who would enjoy hearing a warm and friendly voice on the other end of the line? Could you be that “friendly voice” who reaches out to a suffering friend or family member? Loneliness doesn’t affect just older people. According to Cigna Healthcare, people ages 18 – 22 report feeling lonelier than individuals over 70.  Loneliness is a significant, but silent form of suffering.

Author Matthew Kelly writes in his book, The Rhythm of Life, that to make a difference in the world, ask God, “Who needs my attention and care today?” Perhaps the name of the person who pops up is lonely and would very much appreciate hearing from you. So pick up your phone and call someone today. The sound of your voice will make a difference in their life. 

For more information, visit AARP’s Friendly Voice program.

Visit our archives on coping with loneliness for more information and resources.

The post Be a Friendly Voice to the Lonely appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

by Lisa Braunius

If you had told me when my husband and I decided to start a family that our journey would take place over six years, I would have laughed an uneasy laugh, leaning towards denial of the truth. Or, I would have questioned whether I wanted to move forward on this journey. As it turns out, both reactions have a place in our story. Dealing with infertility is a complicated, lengthy journey.

As a woman, when you decide to have children, there’s an unspoken expectation:  you will get pregnant in a few months and a baby will join your family. My husband and I began to dream of whether our child would be a boy or girl, started making a list of names, and picked out the theme for the nursery. After the first three to four months of seeing the negative test, I started to feel a bit disappointed. Then as more months passed, I began to search the internet for answers and ask questions of my friends who have been successful in getting pregnant.

After thirteen months, despair set in. In my mind, my body represented failure

My disappointment turned into doubt about myself and my body. Why was I getting a negative test every month? I continued to read, research, learn, and try with no success. After thirteen months, despair set in. In my mind, my body represented failure. It was unable to do the function that made me a woman, to produce a child. This “failure” seeped into other areas in my life where I felt inadequate. Failure became a constant. Out of that failure came depression, which was another barrier to living and functioning in daily life.

Thankfully, my husband was with me on every step of this journey. I call it a “journey” because attempting to become pregnant is not a race that has a hard start and end. Battling infertility calls for all your emotions, senses, and body functions to come together for the goal of getting pregnant. My loving, supportive partner would stand with me as I read the tests and hold me as I sobbed.

My family and friends tried to understand my deep despair and sense of grief. But oftentimes the words “just relax,” “take a vacation,” and “trust in God’s plan,” caused more pain instead of offering comfort. This caused cracks in my relationships because I could not give them the response that they seemed to need. My journey helped teach them, too. They began to understand that their words hurt me, and they gained sensitivity in communication and offering support.

Words like “just relax” and “trust in God’s plan” caused more pain instead of offering comfort.

 A turning point in my journey came when a friend created a space for me to lament, which is the act of mourning, crying out, and expressing pain and sorrow. This friend sat with me in a coffee shop and gave me a safe place where I could express my sorrow and mourn the loss of a dream. It allowed time for me to sit and cry or even just sit silently together.

This friend, along with my husband, formed the foundation of an excellent coping tool that I have long used during challenging times: walking and talking. I learned to use walking as a time to talk with my friend or my husband about whatever was on my mind. They did not need to say anything. Their presence offered the comfort that I needed.

As the journey lengthened, I also became stronger at not feeling like I needed to hide my emotions. To be clear, I was not always walking around sad or crying.  However, there were many situations, like attending church for Mother’s Day or baptisms, where I would sit with my husband in the back of our church and the tears would flow freely. I began to be able to explain to friends that had babies why it was difficult for me to spend time with them or to attend their baby showers.

Our story has the ending we had prayed for. Out of my lamenting came my two beautiful children, Petra, 20, and James, 15. I am grateful for their lives while I also hurt for couples who have not been able to have their journey end this way. Along the way, my husband and I learned to communicate differently and how to support each other through many demanding situations in our life.

I pray that my story might equip you to love and care for others on a journey of infertility as well.

About the Author: Lisa Braunius is a chaplain and care coordinator for a Michigan-based hospice organization. She lives in Holland, Michigan with her husband.

The post Infertility is a Journey Not a Race appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

When the presidential election returns are counted and a president is named, I wonder: how will people react? Some people will be happy; others will not.  I am concerned that there will be more of what we’ve witnessed this year: chaos, destruction and division.  I have worried.  I have prayed.  I have wondered what I, just one person, can do to promote care and kindness – no matter who our next president is.

Even though I am only one person, I do have power – the power to choose. One of my seminary professors said, “Every decision we make either lifts individuals and the world ‘up’ or pushes them ‘down’ into more chaos.” So, after this election, I will choose to offer “Care and Kindness.”

Whether the candidate I voted for wins or loses, I pledge to practice “Care and Kindness” in all areas of my life.

My pledge: “I will use the power I have to practice ‘Care and Kindness’ in my neighborhood, community and nation.”

Some “Care and Kindness” actions include:

• Praying for individuals who are suffering and asking God to show me
  how I can care for those individuals, and then taking that caring action.
  
  
• Listening more than speaking. “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” — Steven Covey 
  
  
• Assuming the best about those with whom I disagree and finding common ground.
  
  
• Remembering that every individual has unique experiences
  and struggles; no matter the circumstance, they are loved by God and are worthy of dignity.

Here are two other resources for you to consider for your “Care and Kindness” Pledge:

Download our free e-book, 122+ Ways to Care Well

Read these ideas for how to make a difference every day

Please consider joining me and pledging to not let the outcome of the election become a force for division, destruction, and more wasting of human energy and potential.  Instead, let’s choose “Care and Kindness.”

Photo by H. Michael Karshis; cropped and used in accordance with the Creative Commons license.

The post My Post-Election Pledge – Will You Join Me? appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

Are you having a bad day? Or perhaps even just a horrendous hour? Here are my favorite ways to release the feelings of being uptight when life gets me down. Any of these ideas are a good way to practice self-care.

Name It. Just the simple act of naming your emotions can help ease fear and worry. Here’s a list of words to help describe what you’re feeling.

Breathe. When you are feeling your worst, stop and take two minutes to inhale and exhale deeply. I like to use Psalm 46:10, quietly stating, “Be still and know that I am God” as I breathe.

Cry. Go ahead, let the tears flow. Crying is cathartic. And research shows it can help relieve stress.

Kvetch. As in, “blow off a bit of steam” for a few minutes. Call a trusted friend and let them know your frustrations.

Exercise. A single session of exercise can boost positive feelings for a few hours afterward. It doesn’t have to be heart-pounding either, just a good brisk walk can often do the trick. Even better, invite a friend to walk and talk.

“Scream” it. No, it’s not especially helpful to just howl and vent out negative emotions, but if you can find a way to physically release your “I feel like screaming” energy (think yanking weeds, shoveling dirt or kneading dough), you will feel better.

Tackle a challenge. Sometimes a distraction helps. What do you have the energy to do right now that will take your mind off what’s bugging you?

Connect. Humans need that, well, “human” connection. Call a friend, do a video chat, invite a friend for tea or coffee. Or even sit on your front porch (or a window) and wave to passersby.

Express gratitude. Naming what you’re grateful for is another way to experience feelings of connection. It can be little things like admiring the blue sky, or bigger things, like feeling safe in one’s home.

Pray. Eat well. Sleep. All basics, but oh-so-important.

May you feel more rested and at ease when you use these self-care ideas. God Bless.

The post Practicing Self-Care: 10 Tips for Dealing with a Bad Day appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

By Carolyn Lowstuter

When my husband was fired from his job, it threw us both for a loop. Thankfully, that difficult time is long past. Here are ten things I learned about how to support your spouse after a layoff.

For more information and articles on this topic, please visit our caring for the unemployed archives.

The post 10 Tips for Supporting Your Spouse After a Layoff appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

At the time that I write this, our country is experiencing especially large job losses due to the COVID 19 pandemic. But even after we rebound from this pandemic, there will always be the unfortunate situation of unemployment. How can we help an unemployed friend? Here are my ideas.

How have friends helped you during a period of unemployment? Share your ideas in the comment section.

For more ideas on how to Care Well for others during difficult times, download our free e-book, 122+ Ways to Care Well.

The post Caring Gestures for an Unemployed Friend appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

Job loss is painful. Research indicates that for many, losing a job may trigger an extended period of grief, similar to losing a loved one to death. With millions of people who are unemployed each year, each of us probably knows someone who is out of a job at the moment. What can we say? It is easy and tempting to offer words of optimism, or to attempt to apply a “quick fix” to their suffering.  What should we say to an out of work friend? Consider the following chart to help you choose compassionate, supportive words.

Prefer to download the chart? Click here for a PDF version.

For more information and articles on this topic, please visit our caring for the unemployed archives.

The post What Should We Say to an Out-of-Work Friend? appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.

My husband Larry and I have known Steve for over thirty years and every time I have seen him, he has a big radiant smile on his face.  His words match his smile as he offers cheer to everyone. Sadly, during the past two years cancer has invaded his life. Yet Steve continues to offer a smile and passes out blessings to all who come into his presence.

Today we talked on the phone and Steve’s voice was strong and energetic.  Larry and I asked him, “How are you?”  Steve responded: “Which version do you want?  Do you want the truth, or do you want what I usually say to people?”  I said, “We want the truth.”  There was a long pause.  (Later Steve told me that he was shocked when I said, “Tell us the truth.”)

So, Steve shared his truth:  He said that he was in constant pain. “It is like a Sheepsfoot knife has run back and forth over my body.  I am losing my toenails and fingernails.  Because of a lack of saliva, I cannot eat and have lost 29 pounds in three weeks.  I look like a scarecrow. My hands and chest have loose skin and look raw.”  Then he asked, did we wanted him to continue? And we said, “Yes.” So, he continued with his list.

Later he said, “Remember when you said that you wanted the truth and I paused?  I paused because I became so emotional because it is rare when anyone wants to hear the truth of what my life is like right now.  People do not want to know what it is like when chemo takes my life away inch by inch (with the hope of winning the cancer battle.)”

Instead, Steve says, people want to hear, “I’m fine.  I’m making it.”

As we continued our conversation, Steve shared all the gestures of caring he and his wife had received from friends and co-workers: “Just in the past two months, we have received over 425 cards, and nearly 50 homemade dinners, as well as cash and gift cards.”

All of these loving gestures of caring are so appreciated!  In addition, let us remember as caregivers that one of the greatest gifts to one who is suffering is to invite the person to tell the truth.

Thanks,  Steve Schaapman  for sharing a part of your story.

The post Let a Cancer Patient Speak Their Truth appeared first on Wisdom of the Wounded.