Wisdom of the Wounded

One month ago, cancer became up-close and personal. For years, I have listened to individuals tell their cancer stories. I have read volumes of information about cancer. I have prayed for those with cancer. My ministry’s mission is to offer “how-to-help” podcasts and blog posts for those who care for a loved one with cancer.  But on January 17, 2023, cancer became a new reality. No longer could I hold cancer at arm’s length; for, cancer had invaded my family: my son has cancer.  My son has multiple myeloma.

Cat scans, MRIs, tumor biopsy, blood & urine tests, consultations, bone marrow biopsy, and hours of internet research and conversations have dominated our minds and hearts. Jeff and his wife, Jeri, have become my teachers as they navigate the early days of tests, consultations, and confusion.

They have received dozens of caring texts, emails, and phone calls, and during dinner one evening, I asked them, “At this point, what advice can you give to all of us who want to show that we care?”

Here’s what they said:

On the positive side:  It is helpful for me to remember author and pastor Charles Swindoll’s comments about what to say:

“Be real.  Admit your honest feelings to me.  If the news stunned you, say so.  If you don’t know what to say, say just that.  If you suddenly feel tears coming, cry.  If you are overwhelmed with pity and compassion, admit   it.  When you allow your true feelings to show, you give me permission to also ‘let go’ and express my honest feelings.”

So, as I continue to travel the cancer road with my son and as you, perhaps, walk alongside a loved one with cancer or other challenging illnesses, may we learn from the ones who suffer and each other on how to care well for them.

May God be with us all as we continue our cancer journeys.

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There have been many special presents over the years which I have unwrapped and enjoyed; however, some of my most treasured gifts were not wrapped with paper but spoken to me by individuals who know me and love me – individuals who have: Rejoiced with me when I celebrated and mourned with me when I mourned. (Romans 12:15)

Following is a list of some of the cherished words spoken to me:

“I believe.”

“Congratulations.”

“Here is your contract.”

“Here is your classroom.”

“I love you.”

“I Do.”

“It’s a boy.”

“It’s a boy.”

“Red Right Returning.”

“Now you have two daughters.”

“I am so sorry.”

“I forgive you.”

“Thanks for being my friend.”

“You book is published.”

“I love you.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“It’s not cancer.”

“It’s a grandson.” “You have a granddaughter.” (said 12 times!)

“Happy 80th Birthday!”

“Let’s decorate cookies, Grandma!”

“You have made a difference in my life.”

“I love you.”

“I believe.”

I never tire of hearing affirming words and words of love from my family, my friends, and our God.  They give me energy.  They give me peace.  They touch my soul. I hope that you will also say affirming words to members of your family, your friends and to those you know who are suffering. Words matter. They can bring peace, joy and affirmation.

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I have the following poem by Henry Van Dyke on my refrigerator to remind me each day during Advent to get ready for the Christmas celebration.

Are you willing—

to stoop down and consider the needs and desires
of little children;
to remember the weakness and loneliness of people
who are growing old; to stop asking how much your friends love you, and
to ask yourself whether you love them enough;
to bear in mind the things that other people have to
bear on their hearts; to trim your lamp so that it will give more light and
less smoke, and to carry it in front so that your
shadow will fall behind you;
to make  a grave for your ugly thoughts and a garden
for your kindly feelings, with the gate open?

Are you willing to do these things for a day?
Then you are ready to keep Christmas!

–Henry Van Dyke

Photo Credit:  Stewart Black

Updated 2022

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We have a saying in our ministry: “Small acts of kindness can make a big difference.” This is a perfect time to reflect on that saying because November 13 is World Kindness Day.  The next two months will be full of holiday celebrations, which can create a hectic feeling and make us believe we “don’t have the time” to care for others.  As we go about our busy lives, I encourage you to give thought each day to a small act of kindness you can offer another person. That way, every day can be World Kindness Day.

Give thought each day to a small act of kindness you can offer another person

Here are my “Top Ten Small Acts” for you to try, including some with an autumnal twist!

1. Compliment three people today.
2. Holidays are lonely for grieving people. Take a friend to the movies on Thanksgiving weekend.
3. Leave money taped to a vending machine with a note: “Enjoy your snack.”
4. Organize a leaf-raking party for a person who is unable to rake their yard.
5. Who haven’t you heard from in a while? Send them a “thinking of you” text
6. Thank someone who is in a “helping” profession: firefighter, teacher, nurse, an aide in an assisted living facility.
7. Whenever you interact with a service provider, no matter how briefly (cashier, waiter/waitress, gas station worker, etc.) use their name as a sign of respect and connection.
8. Hide affirming notes around the house for your children, spouse, or friend.
9. Plant a flowering bush in memory of a family member or friend.  Then share special memories of that person with those who grieve their loss.
10. Surprise a lonely or sad person by sharing cider and donuts with them.

[Related: Small Acts of Kindness]

My friend David Myers, who is 17-time book author and professor at Hope College, wrote about the positive effects of “micro kindnesses,” those small acts of outreach to others that help ease loneliness and stress. He relayed several social science experiments in which people reached out to strangers to offer a small gesture of friendship or compassion and the results showed that both the givers and receivers of the kindness felt happier.  We all benefit when we are kind to one another.

On World Kindness Day—and every day— let’s all do our part to care for each other.

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So far as we know, Jesus’ brothers and sisters were not present at the crucifixion. With one exception, his disciples were no-shows. The people whose sight Jesus had restored, whose bodies he had healed, they weren’t present. But when Jesus looked down from the cross, through a haze of pain, he saw that his mother was there. “Now there stood by the cross of Jesus his mother…” (John 19:25 KJV)  

Rudyard Kipling wrote, “If I were hanged on the highest hill, mother o’ mine, O mother o’ mine, I know whose love would follow me still, mother o’ mine, O mother o’ mine.”  In his hour of greatest need, hung high on a cross, suspended between heaven and earth, as though neither one wanted him, Jesus looked at the gaggle of spectators assembled below, and there was his mother.

When you are going through a hard time, it means a lot when friends and loved ones come to your side. They don’t solve your problems. They don’t take away your pain. But they’re there. They show up. They stand by you.

Maybe I make too much of this, but I think it is noteworthy that, so far as we know, Mary never speaks. Throughout the whole ordeal, as she stands there, watching what no mother should have to watch, she never says a word.

How often we pull back from people who are getting crucified by some crisis — sickness, the death of a loved one, personal relationships coming unraveled — because we don’t know what to say. But Mary teaches us that you don’t have to say anything. It’s your presence that counts. People seldom remember the words you spoke when you visited at the funeral home, but they never forget that you came.

Mary stands by her son in his hour of need. Her presence doesn’t take away his pain. It doesn’t remove his suffering. It doesn’t relieve his burden. But she is there for him. Don’t pull back from people in need because you don’t know what to say. Just by showing up you say that you care. There is a lot of wisdom in the old saying: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”

A version of this blog post first appeared on Words of Hope and is reprinted with permission.

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Someone once told me, “If you are with a person who is crying, do not hand them a Kleenex.”  Surprised, I questioned why?  He said, “because that signals to them that you want them to stop crying.”

Really?  Please listen to this:  If your friend (or loved one) is crying and their eyes and nose are producing little rivers running down their face, for heaven’s sake please hand them a Kleenex! It shows you are acknowledging their pain.

And please let them know that you feel their pain, by gently touching their shoulder (or arm) or by giving them a full hug. 

If a physical hug doesn’t seem appropriate, hug them with words from your heart, like these suggestions from author Kim Kramer:

• “I am so sorry that you are going through this.”
• “Your pain breaks my heart.”

So, when you are with a friend who is crying, please remember a Kleenex and a hug. 

For further advice about how to care for a friend who is crying, you may appreciate: Help Someone Cry and What to Say When Someone is Crying.

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Trigger Warning: Mention of intense body image

I’ve reached the point where

‘Wow!

You look amazing!

I can definitely tell you’ve lost weight’

Isn’t a compliment anymore

But on the exterior I’m not the type of girl you question

So you say “how did you do it”

And instead slapping on the reality of the space I’m taking up

I simply ‘thank you’ it away

At some point smiling through the mornings of ‘I wish I had your confidence’

While crying in front of broken mirrors through the night

Creates dis order in my reality

Because although these were meant to be uplifting,

Little did these people know they were fueling the dis order

I gaslight myself

Every night after dinner into the mindset that I don’t…

That because I don’t fit the qualifications of binging before

That because Black girls don’t

That because Fat girls don’t

That because girls who don’t have money for treatment centers don’t

That because girls with high perceived confidence don’t

That because a girl raised in a community of uplifting and loving people can’t have an eating

disorder

I spent years adjusting my body

As a code switch to make everyone else more comfortable

Waist trainers, yo-yo diets, elbows to seat, & mysterious supplements of the stomach variety

Coupled with countless ‘before’ pictures littering my camera roll

Were all reminders of my lack of self-worth

I had convinced myself that I don’t deserve a life of loving my body

Or the space I take up

That my beauty is conditional

Or that my worth was based in a number on a scale or an app

That I wasn’t worthy of a healthy relationship with food

And that my life would always be run on dis order

But what started with a check in

Became a raft in a stormy ocean

When I knew it was okay to not be okay

That I was allowed to be uncomfortable in dis order

That I had the right to receive help

That!

Was when my journey pivoted

And although I will walk this road every day

It’s a much easier road to travel with those who love you

On either side of you

Cheering you on

In order to re-align the dis order

Ge El Ki Gr

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I lied to my daughter.

She asked me, while we were standing on the shoreline of the ocean, “What if I get stung by a Man o’ War?” To which I quickly replied, “You won’t”.

I wanted her to be brave. I didn’t want her to be afraid or scared of the ocean like I am. I wanted to protect her from the bad things that can happen, the things that sting and hurt. But that’s a lie. Because she could get stung. That’s the truth. She could walk into the ocean and get stung by the thing she feared. 

In my response, I caught myself and I said. “No, you know what, that’s a lie. I’m sorry. You could get stung, honey. It could happen. It will hurt but you will be okay.” She seemed to process it and today, she went swimming in the ocean, without any reservations.

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our own fears and our own reservations. I can get so caught up in my own anxieties and fears, but those are on me, not on my children. The ocean is a large and beautiful thing. Some of it should be rightfully feared. But there is so much beauty in it too. If only we are able to separate ourselves a bit and step into the water.

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Larry and I recently celebrated our 57th wedding anniversary.  As we sat having breakfast over-looking a beautiful blue ocean with clear blue skies up above, I asked Larry: “What one factor has contributed to our long-term relationship of 57 years?”  He immediately said, “Forbearance.” I was a little shocked.  I expected him to say; “We are best friends,” or “We communicate well,” or “We make each other smile,” but I didn’t expect him to say “forbearance.”

Now, I know Larry has an interesting sense of humor (which sometimes I do not appreciate.) And I knew Larry was trying to be funny, but his comment led me to do a little research: I found these words describing “forbearance:” self-control, tolerance, patient, and endurance. 

While researching, I learned from a pastor that forbearance in a marriage or relationship is being a gracious overlooker of those traits in another that annoy you but are probably not going to change or change quickly.

So, I’ve been thinking about how the “living” of this word has contributed to the longevity of my marriage. It means that when viewing your partner, you realize that he or she is not perfect. At times she or he is really going to irritate you. Perhaps forbearance means that you acknowledge that your partner has more pluses than minuses, and so you try to overlook the lesser irritations.

Yes, Larry and I have been married 57 years, but. . . that doesn’t mean we have it all figured out. A partnership, whether it’s 57 days or years, requires work. Thank you, Larry, for your loving forbearance. I’m so glad it’s been 57 years and I hope that we journey together (with forbearance, if needed!) for many more years to come.

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By: Colleen Arnold, MD

Pain is a universal experience. Whether it is the temporary hurt of a broken ankle or something more permanent like arthritis, every single human being suffers it at some point in their lives. There is no such thing as a pain-free life this side of heaven. It can be physical, mental, or spiritual, and despite the best work of our health-care providers, it will always be present to some degree. 

It’s hard when someone you love is in pain. He or she can be irritable and short-tempered. What to do? 

No judgments, no comments, no suggestions, no taking it personally. Let your person vent his or her anger and frustration. Sometimes simply unloading eases pain. Don’t absorb it; let it bounce off you. Try not to respond to negative with negative. 

Not just an offer, but an action. If the trash needs to go to the recycling center or the dishwasher needs unloading, simply do it. I promise no one will be offended, and even if they offer a protest, it will be half-hearted. 

People with certain conditions such as fibromyalgia and complex regional pain syndrome look perfectly healthy, so it’s hard to understand how much they are hurting. If they say they are in pain, believe them. They are not being lazy or dumping on you; let go of anger, guilt, and blame. 

Yes, you should listen to your loved one, but be sure you share your feelings too. Use “I statements” (“I feel. . .”) and avoid accusatory comments. Being a caregiver is an exhausting role, and you can’t take care of someone else if you aren’t taking care of yourself first. Be sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and time alone. 

Educate yourself about the diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis. Knowledge is power, and you can be an advocate for your loved one. 

There is joy to be found even in the midst of pain: flowers blooming, glowing sunsets, kind gestures, a gentle touch. Gently calling them to attention can help widen your loved one’s perspective. 

About the author: Colleen Arnold is a family physician, a widow, and a mother of three young adult daughters. She enjoys hanging out with family, writing, reading, and walking. You can read her blog at ColleenArnold.org

This is an excerpt from the print article from the June/July 2021 St. Anthony Messenger magazine. You may view the full article here: Praying through Pain. Used with permission.

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