Wisdom of the Wounded

God tells us, “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man (or woman), and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord.”  Leviticus 19:32

Maybe I like this strong directive from God because at this point in my life I am a “gray head.” (More like “white hair” but you get the picture.) I suppose some would call me “old” although Larry and I prefer to think of ourselves as “JPP.” (Just Past Prime.) 

Anyway, back to the verse about showing respect to the elderly.  Why do you think that God says, “stand up before the elderly”?  To  me, it boils down to preserving the dignity of our fellow human beings.

Years ago, I discovered the following poem and it spoke to me so beautifully. Perhaps when you read it, you will be encouraged to remember that elderly people deserve our respect. And may we all be lucky enough to one day be JPP.

By Esther Mary Walker

Blessed are they who understand
my faltering steps and shaking hand.

Blessed are they who know that my ears today
must strain to catch the words they say.

Blessed are they who seem to know
that my eyes are dim and my reactions slow.

Blessed are they who look away
when my coffee gets spilled during the day.

Blessed are they with a cheery smile
who stop to chat with me for a while.

Blessed are they who never say
“You’ve told that story twice today.”

Blessed are they who know the ways
to bring back lovely yesterdays.

Blessed are they who make it known
that I am loved, respected and not alone.

Blessed are they who know the loss
of strength I need to bear the cross.

Blessed are they who ease the days
of my journey home in loving ways.

According to the Koinonia Senior Care facility, this poem was written many years ago by Esther Mary Walker, who passed away in 2005. Esther was a caregiver for her father.

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Jesus tells us, “Love your neighbor,” and he does not add, “when you feel like it.”

Deanna Thompson is Professor of Religion at Hamline University in St. Paul, Minnesota and has written a book about her journey with Stage IV breast cancer. The title of her book is Hoping for More: Having Cancer, Talking Faith, and Accepting Grace.

Jesus tells us, “Love your neighbor,” and he does not add
“when you feel like it.”

In her book Deanna talks about the importance of being there for a friend who is suffering. Following is one example she gives:

Deanna says,

“One friend finally visited for the first time about five months after my diagnosis, just as life was regaining a bit of normalcy. (Editor’s note: Up to this time Deanna had been very ill with radiation treatments and chemo.) She stood in our entryway, car idling in the driveway, and told me she had been thinking of me.

I appreciated the visit, but battled the voice in my heart that kept reminding me that this friend had not come to see me in five whole months. Just as I made the decision to be gracious and count the visit as a kind gesture, my friend pressed on, ‘And just so you know, I don’t ‘do’ Caring Bridge journal entries. I just wanted you to know.’

I stared at her. I thought, ‘You drop out of my life when cancer comes my way, and now you stop by to tell me that you’re not following my story?’”

‘Caring Bridge allows us to update others on how I’m doing,’ I responded, struggling to keep my voice calm. ‘Because of the site, we don’t have to spend our time telling the same story over and over again. It’s also been an incredible source of support for us, knowing that others have been praying for and thinking about us.’”

My friend could tell I was upset. She told me again she was thinking of me and headed back out to the car.”

Be there.  Even when you don’t know what to say or do.

I am sorry about your pain, Deanna. Here’s a painful truth: I confess I have also been guilty of not keeping in touch with special people who are suffering. I have made excuses, but the bottom line was I didn’t know what to say or do. So I told myself I was “too busy” or “another time.”

Forgive me, all the friends that I have ignored because it was uncomfortable. Forgive me God.

Be there. Even when you don’t know what to say or do.

Be there . . .even when you don’t feel like it. Be there even when you want to be somewhere else doing something else. . .be there.

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When I visited with my mother in the nursing home I always enjoyed talking with a woman named Susan, who, despite significant physical challenges, always seemed to choose the positive in any given situation. During our meaningful chats, Susan shared wisdom gained from living with limited physical mobility and using a wheelchair. She has the following advice for how to respect those in a nursing home or skilled bed facility.

Susan says, “Music can soothe the soul and bring peace and joy.  There would be less agitation and yelling in nursing homes if each room had peaceful music playing most of the time instead of a blaring TV.” This could be accomplished over a PA system with an on/off switch in each room.  Or families could bring a CD player with a few CDs and request that the aides turn on the music instead of the TV—unless of course, the person wants to watch TV.

Allow the person, whenever possible, to make his or her own decisions.  Well-meaning family (and sometimes staff) decide what the person needs without consulting the individual.  For example, when a lovely woman in her nineties complained about being cold, her niece “solved” the problem by moving her aunt to another room.  The aunt was not consulted.  She didn’t like the move, and her previous roommate grieved the loss of her friend.

Remember that your loved one’s room is their room, not yours.  Susan says, “Please do not come into my small home and tell me that I should take care of the clutter or start organizing or offer to organize my things.  I know where everything is. I can reach what I want from my wheelchair, and I don’t want things moved.” Even if the room seems cluttered to you, allowing the resident some measure of control not only respects their dignity, but keeps them engaged with their surroundings.

Following this wise woman’s advice will help us provide compassionate care for our loved one as well as honoring their dignity. Thank you, Susan, for your wisdom on how to respect those in a nursing home.

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God’s best relationship advice is “Love One Another.”  To the point and simple, right? I’m not proud to admit it, but sometimes that advice is difficult for me to follow. When I don’t know how to handle a situation, I tend to avoid it. So when I’m called to “love” another who looks different (maybe with a lot of tattoos?) or behaves (to my eyes) “strangely,” or has political ideas that differ from mine, then the verb “to love” is anything but simple for me. Recently, my eyes were opened to a new way to follow God’s loving guidance.

A few years ago, a member of the Wisdom of the Wounded team sent me a podcast which challenged me and showed be how to begin to actually love “the other.”  The podcast, “A Community of Honor in a Culture of Contempt,” stresses that when we “look down our nose at somebody. . . when we lower the status of that person, we shut ourselves off from the blessings that that person has within himself to share.”

Pastor John Mark Comer, speaker of the podcast, went on to offer wisdom on the dangers of contempt. I learned that when I take one aspect of a person and make it the whole person—when I focus on the other’s qualities that I dislike (or find uncomfortable) and make it the whole story about that person, I shut myself off from the talents, gifts, experiences and insights that they carry. AND I also miss the joy of sharing my talents, gifts experiences and insights with them.

In the podcast we hear God’s best relationship advice in Romans 12:9, where God says, “honor one another.”  I do believe that God tells us to honor all others, not just the ones who look like us, act like us, think like us. So, it’s up to me to figure out how to live in that way every day.

One day as Larry and I were walking our 10,000 steps, we came to a street corner where a man was sitting on the ground. I became nervous because in my mind a man sitting on a corner might be a panhandler. I was so intent on walking by him quickly, I barely registered that he said in a pleasant, friendly voice, “Hi, folks. How are you today?” We said a quick “hi” and hurried on because we didn’t want to get into that uncomfortable situation of being asked for money.

It was only later that Larry remarked the man had a little dog; I hadn’t even noticed! I now realize that I was devaluing the man by taking that “one thing” I could see – a person sitting on the ground and making it his whole story.  In my mind at that moment, he was not worthy of my time and attention.  Forgive me, God. 

I could have honored this man by stopping, looking directly at him, and showing interest in him as a person.  I could have asked him about his dog or how his day was going. 

So, God’s best relationship advice is mine too: “Honor one another.” Strive to really see each person as one who is made in the image of our God, who has amazing worth, who has insights and talents that will enrich our lives—and who wants and needs to be valued.

I am working on it!  It will be a process, a challenge and when I succeed, a blessing to me.  

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Cole Arthur Riley, author of Black Liturgies writes, “We were made for beauty and truth and goodness.”  During Lent, Christians reflect on the truths of our lives and our world. During these 40 days, I personally acknowledge how I have ignored, hurt, and, at times, rejected God, others, and myself. Then, with Easter comes the promise that I am Forgiven. Worthy. Loved. This is the everyday Good News of Easter.

But it’s not always easy to choose beauty, truth and goodness. Sometimes, I do what Paul does:  I do the things that I do not want to do, but the things I want to do, I do not do. Romans 7:15

But eventually, I remember that God loves me, forgives me and wants me to live a life of beauty, truth and goodness.    Many years ago, I internalized a poem called “Questions, Grace and Trembling Hands” which reminds me that our gracious God is always ready to give us another chance, no matter how many mistakes we make. God always hands us a “clean sheet of paper” when we need to try again.

Thank you for you for all the clean sheets of paper that I have needed and will continue to need.

Thank you, gracious God for never ever giving up on me and everyone else in the world. 

Amen.

by Laura Tabin

I wanted things black and white.

You made me struggle, erasing things I knew

Staring at the blaring white, re-evaluating.

And you stood behind me while I worked, while my eraser crumbled

Until I scratched through the paper.

Too many mistakes.

Then, you patiently slipped a clean sheet under my trembling hand and told me to try again.

Always a clean sheet of paper.

Smudged sheets forgotten, hand on my shoulder, Grace.

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By Chris Marlink

Our family was having a rough day. As we sat down to dinner, it was clear that an accumulation of slights, grievances, and careless words left us feeling wounded and angry. When asked what had happened during the day, our children immediately began to prosecute their cases against one another; everyone was deemed “a jerk.” In that moment, were not a family that practices honor towards one another.

What occurred to me was that for each aggrieved member of the family, their grievance was all they could see about the offending member of the family. It brought to my mind John Mark Comer’s insightful teaching on a community of honor in a culture of contempt. In that teaching he helps us unpack the different ways that contempt and honor affect our relationships.

If we are contemptuous of someone, we have the tendency to take something that we dislike about them, or an area where we disagree with them, and we make it the whole of them. They become devalued and even worthless in our eyes because they are the “flaw” or the grievance. By contrast, honor is the way we celebrate and recognize the intrinsic value of the person and the good they bring into our life and our community.

When dinner wrapped up, we spent a few minutes listening to the teaching from Pastor Comer, and had the children write out the definition of honor. As an exercise in becoming a community of honor, we went around the table and called out things that we wanted to honor in each other. It turns out there were unique and specific things of value that each of us bring into the family culture. The flaws and grievances weren’t the whole story. Not even close. If anyone was missing from our table, we’d all be poorer because of it; we’d miss that distinct contribution that each member makes. Honoring one another helps us to recognize that.

Honoring one another with shout-outs at the dinner table has become a fairly regular practice in our household. It doesn’t prevent or solve the hurts and wounds that we suffer and inflict. We still need to make space for forgiveness and repair in our relationships. But a practice of regularly honoring one another is a good inoculant against the temptation to think the worst about each other.

Our hope is that this practice in seeing the good in each other doesn’t remain solely a dinnertime exercise. Where there’s disagreement and misunderstanding at school, work, and in the broader community, it’s vital that we learn to see the good in one another first rather than extrapolate our disagreements into an intractable viewpoint about “them.”

How might you practice honoring your family, friends, and those you disagree with this week?

Chris Marlink is a digital media specialist. He manages the social media programs for the Wisdom of the Wounded ministry.

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By Cheryl Edwards-Cannon

My mother lived with dementia for more than 15 years. For as long as she was able, I made every effort to take her along with me whenever I did my errands. It was good for her and I truly enjoyed her company. That’s not to say that going out was easy. It required a lot of advance preparation – and a healthy sense of humor! (You really can’t make up some of the stuff that happens when you take older adults out for a spin.) But in the end, it was worth it because it enhanced my mother’s life and provided pleasant memories and stories about our relationship. Here are a few “sanity tips” for taking a loved one with dementia on an outing.

Taking my mother on errands enhanced her life and provided us plenty of memorable stories to share.

Always anticipate what might go wrong – and be prepared. Bring along a snack, wet wipes, rubber gloves and a change of clothes in case there is an accident. Think of your “adult survival kit” as a parent would if travelling with a young child. You will need to be comfortably dressed in something with plenty of pockets. Events happen quickly and rummaging through a purse searching for a tissue may not be possible.

In the event there are unforeseen delays, you might need to help soothe or focus your loved one. Pack a small, portable “focus object” such as a magazine with lots of photos to look at in case you need to wait in line. Also, mentally prepare a few “games” to help your loved one stay occupied. For example, you could ask your loved one to play “I Spy” and look for certain items while you are waiting your turn in line. If your car is equipped with a DVD player, pop in a movie as entertainment for longer trips.  Don’t forget music!  A CD of their favorites songs provides an opportunity for all to join in.

People with dementia get easily distracted or overwhelmed. If you are venturing into a store, think about its set up: are the aisle wide and easy to navigate? Or are they stocked with extra merchandise in the aisles? Is the music loud or the lighting harsh? These elements can prove too much for some dementia patients, so choose venues that are less chaotic or packed with excess visual stimulation.

Depending on where your loved one is in their progression with dementia, you’ll need to enact extra safety measures. For example, my mother reached a point where she needed to hold my hand so that she would not wander off. Depending on the venue, let them wander provided they are always in your line of sight.  If you are in a store that has shopping carts, have your loved one push the cart for you. It makes them feel like they are helping out and it will you provide assurance that they are just a few steps away.

Even though getting someone with dementia out of the house might seem challenging, with preparation and careful selection of your destination, you and your loved one can experience a meaningful time together.  

About the author – Cheryl Edwards-Cannon holds a certificate in Gerontology and is the owner of Clear Path Choices, a consultancy that helps families provides direction and support for families facing elderly care challenges. She is the author of Taking Care of Miss Bee Bee and her writing has been featured in three Chicken Soup for the Soul anthologies. Learn more at: www.clearpathchoices.com.

Want more stories like these? Check out our archives on being a friend to the elderly.

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I am a hugger. When the COVID-19 pandemic was in full swing, I missed hugging my grandkids. We know that when seniors and kids connect everyone benefits, so Larry and I got creative with our (safe) socializing. The ideas we came up with like visiting our great-granddaughters with silly signs were necessary during the pandemic, but what’s wonderful is that they’re just as useful for non-pandemic situations too.

Are you a grandparent, aunt, uncle or other older adult who would enjoy connecting with youth? Read on for my ideas for how to Care Well for your favorite youngster.

Invite a few youngsters to go on a hike or a walk with you to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. You could also turn the walk into a game by making it a scavenger hunt. Make a list of objects that one might find on your walk and then set a time limit and see if she can find the listed objects.  Some objects might be:  items from nature such as: acorn, pine cone, a bird, or a squirrel. If your walk is in the city or suburbs, choose items such as: a sign with the letter “A”, a red car, or a person wearing a certain type of clothing.

Who doesn’t love a “special delivery?” If you already know the child well, you could plan a special surprise to be mailed or dropped off on their porch. Ideas include: a treat bag filled with healthy snacks, coloring books, craft items like pipe cleaners or Silly Putty. If you need ideas, check out our Getting to Know You Questionnaire. I have used this form with my grandchildren to help get birthday ideas – as well as provide conversation starters for when I chat with them.

Text or email a simple message to your young friend or family member. We all like to see a message from someone we like. Your message can be a one-liner, such as:

• “Thinking of you” 

• “Wondering what you are doing today?”

• “I enjoyed talking with you last week.”

• “What are you doing this weekend?”
  
• “Do you know any good jokes?”

Speaking of jokes – there are many kid-friendly jokes online. Some of my favorites are Third Grade Jokes, 277 Puns for Kids, and Riddles for Teens . Also, remember that today’s youth rarely receives physical mail, so if you have their home address, consider surprising them with a handwritten letter sent by snail mail. 

If you are feeling lonely or isolated, chances are there’s a child out there who is feeling that way too. Please consider reaching out. We all benefit – elders and youth alike – when we take the time to connect.

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By Sarah

My relationship with my grandmother is difficult. While I was growing up, we fought over boundaries and ideas, because we have very differing opinions on the ways of the world.  I would frequently get lectured for the simplest offense. It was like she was talking AT me, not conversing with me. She seemed to carry a lot of anger and as a young person, I wasn’t sure how to respond. So, we argued.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten better at knowing which topics that will trigger argumentativeness from my grandmother. Even when I try to calmly state my position, her reaction is to bury me in a barrage of words. To cope (and keep peace in the family) my strategy has been to avoid talking to her about any “hot” topics to reduce the chances of being lectured or worse— the two of us arguing bitterly and pointlessly with no ending in sight.

A couple of years ago, I had the thought that maybe my grandmother just had things she needed to say. So, I started to listen.  At first it was really hard; I wanted to respond to all the things I disagreed with. But I kept it together and continued to sit and listen for as long as she talked (or, sometimes, yelled.)  And when she’d finished, I would muster whatever neutral response I could manage, something like, “Thanks for sharing that,” “I didn’t know that, thanks for telling me,” or “That must be an awful feeling, thanks for telling me about it.” Then, I would excuse myself from the conversation.

After about two years of taking the time to simply sit and listen to what is basically a one-sided conversation, I’ve started to see what I’d call a “softening” in my grandmother’s approach to our conversations. Believe it or not, on occasion, she has asked, “What do you think, Sarah?” or, “Well, I can see how you might think that’s true.” Our relationship is still fragile, but I do see a softening.

I have realized that when two people with two very differing opinions on a topic sit down to talk, there can be a desire to “win” the argument. Or perhaps it’s not so much “winning” as it is holding up your side of the argument . . . or holding true to your beliefs. What I’ve learned is that just because I listen to my grandmother, doesn’t mean that I am endorsing her ideas. Listening is just . . . listening. It’s not agreement. And sometimes, it helps smooth over the frayed edges of a tumultuous relationship.

Want more stories like this one? See our Challenging Relationships section to learn how to Care Well even amidst difficult conversations or situations.

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By Lindsay Cherry

The year I was in third grade, we were taught to write in cursive. To my young mind, cursive writing was “fancy.” I couldn’t wait to learn to make the fun swoops and dips with my pencil, concentrating, brow furrowed, to get my penmanship “just so.” Little did I know that the simple act of writing a name on a chalkboard would change my life.

On the day that we began cursive writing practice, my teacher Mrs. Klavor stepped up to the chalkboard and wrote several students’ names on the board. Mine was one of them. As I watched the letters of my name flow from that piece of chalk onto the board, it was magic! And then, Mrs. Klavor turned and remarked, “Lindsay is a beautiful name.”  It was the first time a teacher had taken notice of me at school. And it was certainly the first time anyone had called me “beautiful” within the walls of the educational system.

You see, Mrs. Klavor was White. And I am Black. And in 1995, as a Black girl who was adopted by White parents, I attended an all-white school in a deeply religious, conservative community. While learning cursive, I had a moment that would impact me for the rest of my life. For Mrs. Klavor, I am sure it was just another lesson, but for me it was a moment I didn’t know I needed; a meaningful moment that would set the trajectory for my life as an educator.

Mrs. Klavor’s brief comment sparked hope in me.  I was noticed in a positive way and acknowledged as being beautiful within the school system. I sat up a little straighter, felt a little prouder, and smiled. And right then and there a seed was planted: I would become a teacher! Although it would be many years (with many challenging hurdles to overcome) eventually I succeeded: I am now a middle school Language Arts teacher. And I’ve made it my mission to ensure that Black students have access to what they need to succeed. I call it the Trilogy of Success. My husband and I feel so strongly about supporting Black Youth that we started an organization called I Am Academy.

To those of you reading this, please know that words matter. Helping a disenfranchised youngster see their worth matters. Sometimes, a small act of kindness can make a big difference. 

About the author: Lindsay Cherry is middle school teacher, a married mother of five and the co-founder of I Am Academy, which partners with area schools to empower Black adolescents and young adults to achieve their full potential by assisting their development, cultivating relationships, supporting educational success, providing collegial experiences, and facilitating job readiness. Visit their Facebook and Instagram pages to learn more. 

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