Wisdom of the Wounded

What can a porcupine teach us about caregiving?

In Martin Bell’s book, The Way of the Wolf, he tells the story about a porcupine who was a misfit in society and had no friends:

One day, the porcupine stumbled upon a raccoon who had been shot and was near death. The porcupine remained with the raccoon and heard his sad story.  Then both fell silent.  After a while the raccoon asked, “Are you still there?”

“Yes,” replied the porcupine, “I’m still here.  I was just wondering what to do now.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do anything!” said the dying raccoon.  “Honestly, I mean that.  Just stay with me for a little while.  Just be here.  Don’t go away please, I’m afraid.  You won’t go away, will you?”

Please believe that 90% of helping is just showing up. . . .just be there!

Dr. Jim Kok, a caregiving pastor based in California says, “Jesus died for us.  We die for others when we vacate our comfort zones, the places where we are in control and stand closer to the heartbroken.  We may feel helpless, weak and tongue-tied, but we will know that we are partners in doing the right thing.  Just be there.”

Updated 2023

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Editor’s note: on July 18, 2024, Emerson’s family posted on their public Facebook page that Emerson succumbed to her cancer and posted this link to her obituary.

One summer day on my way home, I passed a lemonade stand, giving it a quick glimpse and a smile thinking “Ah, cute young girls and their little lemonade stands.”  

However, later that day when I passed the lemonade stand again, I noticed a sign saying, “Emerson the Brave.” I was curious, so, I stopped, and that day Emerson became an inspiration and a heroine to me. 

In 2018, Emerson, known as Emerson the Brave, was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive form of brain cancer, Diffuse Midline Glioma.  Since then, she has been in and out of hospitals, enduring surgeries, MRI’s and lab tests. Emerson knows just how difficult it is to be stuck in the hospital. And she wants to help make kids, like her, more comfortable and to have a better stay in the hospital.  So, she sells lemonade, jewelry, and cookies to raise money to buy toys for kids at the Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and Mott Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan.  

When asked why she is called “Emerson the Brave,” she said, “One day I looked up the meaning of my name and it was ‘brave.’”   A very fitting name for this young eleven-year-old girl who has raised approximately $2,000 to supply toys to ill children. 

We at Wisdom of the Wounded listen to the stories of individuals who have or are presently suffering, and we almost always learn some caregiving wisdom to share on our website, social media and via the radio.

Emerson reminds us that: 

I hope that I have another opportunity soon to stop and buy some lemonade from my new hero, Emerson the Brave. 

May we learn from Emerson’s example: to reach out and care for others—even during adversity.  (Isaiah 11:6) 

Want to learn more about Emerson’s journey? Visit her Facebook page.

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Did you know that crying is great for you? Well, I didn’t know that either, but at a caregiving workshop, a nurse told us, “Tears are good for your health.” So, I went home, and I looked it up on Google and found more than 13 reasons that it’s okay to have a good cry.

Let me share four of the physical benefits of crying.

If tears are so darn good for us, why do we hide them? The truth is, many of us feel uncomfortable if we cry in front of someone. And, oh! How awkward it can feel when someone cries in our presence.  

Consider this: sitting with someone who is crying is a form of caregiving.

Tears can communicate depths of feelings which words alone cannot express. As theologian Nicholas Wolterstorff states, “Another’s tears are salve on our wounds.” So, when I’m suffering and you cry for me (or with me) your tears, as a caregiver, are like soothing salve on my wounds.

Another question: do you know the shortest verse in the Bible? It’s John 11:35, “Jesus wept.”  You will remember the story, Lazarus, a friend of, Jesus has died and his sisters, Martha and Mary are grieving, and Jesus comes and Martha says, “Lord, if you’d been here, my brother would not have died” and Jesus sees the depth of their sorrow. And he weeps.

I like what author Max Lucado says after that about why Jesus weeps and what it tells us. He says “Jesus weeps, so that we will know that grieving is not disbelieving. Blooded eyes don’t represent a faithless heart. A person can enter a cemetery, Jesus certain of life after death and still have a twin tower crater in their hearts. Jesus did. He wept and he knew he was 10 minutes from seeing a living Lazarus and his tears give you and me permission to shed our own tears.”

Grief does not mean you don’t trust, it’s simply that you can’t stand the thought of another day without the David or Elsie or Frank or Lazarus in your life.

Max Lucado also said, “I want to insert an announcement: Jesus weeps. Tears aren’t just for women. Perhaps many of us have been taught that tears are for women and tears are signs of weakness and women are permitted to be weak. Baloney! Tears are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Our tears testify to our love.”

And did you know that Jesus takes special notice of our tears?

Psalm 56:8, says, that God “puts our tears in a bottle and enters them into the record he keeps of our lives.” Tears are good for us—whether we are the caregiver or the suffering. Go ahead and have a good cry.

For more resources on this topic, read What to Say When Someone Is Crying, Help Someone Cry and Kleenex and a Hug, Please.

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Did you know that the word “comfort” is derived from a Greek word that means “to come alongside and encourage?” God says, “Go comfort my People” and asks us to walk alongside someone during their times of pain. It’s a profound reminder that true comfort goes beyond mere words.

But that’s not always easy, is it? Nicholas Walterstorff, a well-known theologian and author of Lament of a Son, has written, “Let’s face it, grief is just so messy. We want the grieving person to ‘get over it,’ or ‘be done with it.’ So we are often tempted to rush in with a quick fix.”

I can relate to this struggle firsthand. When my wonderful mother passed away at the age of 92, someone at the funeral home said, “How wonderful, she’s out of her misery, and she is with the Lord!” While both of those statements were true, in that moment, I was consumed by grief. I needed to express my sorrow, my grief.

Looking back at this situation, I now understand that my friend was trying to “make” me feel better. But at that moment, I didn’t need a platitude or a cliché. It would have been much more helpful if my friend had said, “I am so sorry. I know how close you were to your mom. You must feel very lonely and sad.” Those comments would have given me a chance to express, if I wished, some of my feelings, and I would have felt that the person understood and cared about me.

So, in offering genuine comfort to someone who is suffering, it’s crucial to go beyond platitudes because they only offer false comfort. Remember, you don’t have to remove their pain; you only have to walk alongside them and provide comfort. Instead of rushing in with quick fixes, take the time to truly listen and understand their emotions.

Invite them to express their feelings and thoughts. Let them know that you are there to support them unconditionally. By avoiding platitudes, you create a safe space for them to share their deepest pain and find solace in knowing that they are heard and cared for.

Let us strive to be the comforting presence that someone in pain truly needs, going beyond empty words and embracing the power of sincere understanding and support.

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Post updated 2023

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Dr. Rachel Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, wrote, “When people are talking . . . listen to what they’re saying.  Care about it. Don’t interrupt.”

I clearly remember a situation when I was sharing my distress over my mother’s stroke with a friend. My friend asked, “How are you doing?” And I started to tell her how I was feeling, and she interrupted me and said, “Oh, I understand, my mother had a stroke a few years ago” and then she proceeded to tell me about when her mother had a stroke.

When people say, “I understand” in situations like this, it brings the sharing of feelings and thoughts to a halt. And then if the person goes on and tells their own story, they’ve changed the focus from the suffering person to themselves and it leaves the suffering one feeling unheard.

So instead of saying “I understand” to show that you are listening, imagine, for a minute, if it had been your loved one who had a stroke. Would be some of your feelings and thoughts be? And then you could say to the suffering person something like, “Oh this has to be really hard for you. I really care about you. If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen.” And then be quiet. And don’t interrupt and listen.

Dr. Remen goes on to write, “When we listen, people know we care.  Many people with cancer talk about the relief of having someone just listen. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”

Who will you share a loving silence with today?

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I did it again! I just hate it when I forget to do important things.

This time I forgot to call my niece on her birthday. She had been feeling alone lately, so it was especially important that I connect with her. But the day came and went, and I just forgot.

Do you forget to do important things? We often have good intentions to send that birthday card, make that phone call, or write that note, but we forget. It’s crucial to remember that these small gestures can brighten another person’s life. So, how can we ensure that we remember to do these things?

Here are some suggestions that might help:

It’s frustrating when I forget events in my friends’ and family’s lives. I’ve found these reminders to be helpful. And let us all remember—even if we falter at times, it’s never too late to make someone’s day a little brighter.

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I wish I could find and talk with a man who was on Flight # DL 2297, Minneapolis to Grand Rapids, Michigan on May 1, 2023.  I want to apologize to him for treating him badly.  It all started when I was in the middle seat and Larry, my husband, was in the window seat.  Then I saw coming down the aisle toward me a very large man.  Perhaps he weighed 300 pounds, and I was thinking, “Please do not take this aisle seat beside me.”  (Was I actually praying this request?  If so, my request was not answered.)  He maneuvered into the seat.  In retrospect he must have been very uncomfortable because he had no room for all the body mass and thus had to take over my half of the adjoining armrest and his stomach was slammed against the seat in front of him.  I was inwardly irate because I had to lean against my husband the whole trip and I couldn’t use the arm rest (poor little me.)

It wasn’t until we landed, and he was walking down the aisle that it suddenly hit me how rude—how pompous—how quietly hostile—I had been to this man.  I didn’t even acknowledge him with, “Hi.  How are you today?” Or, “Do you live in Grand Rapids?” I treated him like he wasn’t worthy of my acknowledgement. 

My behavior is ironic as I (1) value diversity and believe that each person is made in the image of God and deserves respect, (2) I have struggled with losing weight most of my life. I remember as a young girl the taunts. I still hear voices in my memory saying, “You are not good enough, pretty enough, slim enough.”  Therefore:  you would think that I would have had compassion for this man.  I know how diminishing it can be to look in a mirror and be disgusted with how I look.  And (3) I am a Christian, and I did not walk my talk of loving my neighbor. I did not follow my ministry’s Caregiving Basic of Preserve the Dignity.

There is a bit of redemption in this story. I am truly sorry for my actions and feel very contrite. This experience has reminded me to be more sensitive and remember to “be kind because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” (Plato)

And I hope that the man in seat 19D was greeted at the airport by individuals who love and value him.

I am so sorry.

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A note from Karen: I read this story in Chicken Soup for the Soul. Further research indicated that a version of this story originally appeared in The Star Thrower by Loren Eiseley.  It is a wonderful story about how each of us can make a difference.

A man was walking down a deserted beach at sunset.  As he walked along, he began to see a woman in the distance.  As he grew nearer, he noticed that the woman kept leaning down, picking something up, and throwing it out into the water.  Time and again she kept hurling things into the ocean.

As the man approached even closer, he noticed that the woman was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach, and, one at a time, she was throwing them into the water.

The man was puzzled.  He approached the woman and said, “Good evening, friend.  I was wondering what you are doing.”

“I’m throwing these starfish back into the ocean.  You see, it’s low tide right now and all of these starfish have been washed up onto the shore.  If I don’t throw them back into the ocean they’ll die.”

“I understand,” the man replied, “but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach.  You can’t possibly get to all of them.  There are simply too many, and don’t you realize it is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down the coast?  Can’t you see that you can’t possibly make a difference?”

The woman smiled, bent down, and picked up yet another starfish, and as she threw it back into the sea, she replied, “Made a difference to that one!”

Friends, this is Karen. Let us remember that each of us has the power to make a difference one person at a time.

Post updated 2023

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A note to readers: when we reach out to care for someone who is suffering, conversations may turn to God. Perhaps you will find wisdom in the following words. May it help you care for others.

Confused.  Wondering. Questioning: Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?  How can God be an all-loving God and allow horrific things to happen to individuals and whole groups of people? 

Even after eight decades of being a Christian, I still have questions, but in 1984 I was given a helpful faith-building gift.  The occasion was the funeral of my mother-in-law, Clara Mulder.  Her memorial card contained the following poem:

God’s Promises

By Annie Johnson Flint

God hath not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our life through;

God hath not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow
Peace without pain.

But God hath promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the labor,
Light for the way,

Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy

Undying love.

That poem answered some of my questions. God doesn’t promise that He will zap our sorrow, pain, disappointment, anguish, or disillusionment. (Remember David, who was appointed King of Israel, but waited for fourteen years before he was crowned, and during those fourteen years he was threatened often with death and wandered as a fugitive in the wilderness for 14 years!  We are also told, “That it rains on the just and the unjust.” (Matthew 5:45)

It is good and helpful to remember what God does promise: “I will be with you.”  “I will give you strength for the day.”  “I will show you how to rest, to have peace.” “I will help you.”  “I will show you the next step.” “I will be with you always.”  “I love you.”

Ask for these promises, and I believe and know from my experiences that God keeps God’s promises.

Updated 2023

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“Encourage one another daily.” (Hebrews 3:13.)

When did you last encourage someone? Here’s a story for inspiration.  One summer day my sister and I were walking down the beach in Florida when we noticed at a distance a group of people standing in two lines facing each other. We wondered what they were doing.

When we joined them we saw an amazing sight: in the aisle between the rows of spectators were two newly born loggerhead sea turtles making their long trip from the birthing nest to the ocean.  Oh, my!  They were so cute! They looked just like their larger, 250-pound parents, but they were only the size of a silver dollar. They worked so hard to get over the piles of seaweed and move up and down the “canyons” made by human footprints.

And all the while, people of all ages were encouraging these little turtles. They said things like, “You can do it!”, “Keep going, you’re almost there”, “You’re so cute and amazing”, “Whoops, that was a big climb, but you made it!”

We cheered these little guys on until they finally reached their destination.  The whole trip took probably 45 minutes, but none of us moved, we were so focused. And a great cheer went up when they finally splashed into the water.

This experience made me think. I couldn’t help but wonder:  could we transfer that kind of care, attention, and energy to encourage someone who’s disheartened and struggling?  Who can you encourage today?

Post updated in 2023

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