Have you longed for the day when you would be expecting a child? Did you imagine that sacred moment of discovery as a promotional tie-in for an Ikea product that involved sprinkling piss on a magazine? Well. Good news. Co. Design reports that Ikea has paired up with Mercene Labs, which specializes in coating strange new surfaces with even stranger chemical compounds.

There’s an international feud a-brewin’ between one of Hollywood’s hottest A-listers and two of Italy’s most discerning nobles. Molly’s Game star Jessica Chastain recently revealed that her in-laws, the Count/Countess parents of husband Gian Luca Passi de Preposulo, may hate her guts.

Five years and countless dog-related dramas later, Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff are apparently done. From E! News: “It was mutual,” our insider says. “Jack and Lena were growing apart and it just made sense for them to end their relationship where it was.” Luckily, their split was far from messy, as the source adds, “They want the best for each other no matter what. They are both moving on.

Sarah Silverman briefly stemmed the mighty tide of piss and bile that is “Tweets & replies” last week with a little kindness. In response to San Antonio user Jeremy Jamrozy’s tweet “cunt” at her on December 28th, she demonstrated that she is not: I believe in you. I read ur timeline & I see what ur doing & your rage is thinly veiled pain. But u know that. I know this feeling. Ps My back Fucking sux too. see what happens when u choose love. I see it in you.

An NBC insider tells Page Six that the new face of Today, Hoda Kotb, will make $18 million less than the man she replaced, but the same amount as her co-anchor Savannah Guthrie. Kotb and Guthrie’s reported salaries are $7 million each—nice paychecks, sure, but a far cry from Lauer’s $25 million.

Paris Hilton got a huge hunk of ice, the kind that gets one engaged, while ski-vacationing with her partner Chris Zylka in Aspen. Hilton told people on Tuesday that Zylka proposed to her during New Year’s weekend by offering her a 22-carat diamond ring worth $2 million (not quite as expensive as a wintry mountain, but still rather extravagant). “I am so excited to be engaged to the love of my life and my best friend,” Hilton told People.

The first time I came across this story, I read it as “socks,” not “stocks,” and was extremely impressed, but what the cold hard truth boils down to is that Kanye West gifted Kim Kardashian money for Christmas. Temperamental money, but money nonetheless.

As has been stated repeatedly, 2017 was an anxiety-inducing trash fire of a year that transformed my cell phone into a New York Times push alert-wielding attack weapon that can’t even hold a charge anymore. A lot of bad things happened in 2017. Some very good things also happened in 2017 (marriages, births, the fact that I figured out how to part my hair correctly) but I am a pessimist and therefore choose to focus on the bad, because there was so much of it.

Folks are always mad about Star Wars movies, especially now that they feature compelling characters of color and women. But my favorite complaint about The Last Jedi seems to just be an issue with people needing to chill the frick out and understand they’re watching a movie. Vulture reports that AMC Theatres had posted a semi-spoiler in some their chains (readers be warned) relating to a moment in the latest franchise film where things go momentarily silent.

Taylor Swift, pixie with an unusually conspicuous alter-ego who travels the world granting lavish wishes of birthday burritos, reportedly bought a pregnant and homeless fan a house. Via the Swift Life app, a fan named Stephanie wrote that, at a concert in Manchester, her mother made Taylor aware of Stephanie’s predicament.