Worth and Value – Michelle Sparkes

The one thing that has been most transformative in my healing journey from anorexia has been the ongoing, unfolding and deepening revelation of the love of the Father (God) for me. This revelation is available to every hungry heart. As spiritual truth gets “fleshed out” in our experience of life it heals and transforms us from the inside out. How does this happen? In this podcast I unpack and explore this process and invite you to consider my findings from your own perspective. Your questions and comments are welcome: [email protected]

When we are locked in the self hatred of the eating disorder ‘cage’ we need to experience ourselves as seen, known, understood, worthwhile, valuable, loved. Even when and especially in the midst of our most acute struggles. For me the heart of the Christmas message is about this. The sound quality of this audio is poor and I apologise for that but I believe someone out there needs to hear this message of hope today. Big hugs to you. 

When we explore what’s going on inside us in the lead up to a binge it helps makes ‘sense’ of our behaviour; our bingeing feels less mindless and out of control; we can view our situation with more curiosity and ourselves with more compassion. This in turn helps us consider what alternatives there may be for us next time and whether there are deeper issues or challenges we might need to work on.

It can be particularly helpful to explore the binge with someone who is willing to listen without judgement and help us unpack and process our experience in a safe way (this will most likely be a trained counsellor, however a good and trusted friend can also be a great help).

In this podcast I look at how this ‘modelling’ reflects back to us the worth and value so important to our recovery. If you need help with this, I can help you.

[email protected]

Bingeing isn’t just (or even mostly) about physical hunger, although if we’re not giving our body sufficient food on a regular basis we will certainly binge. Bingeing is primarily about emotional hunger. Emotional hunger starts us on the journey of restricting and continues to drive us (whether we’re eating regularly or not) until we do something about it. If we want to stop bingeing, we must attend to the emotional hunger (the challenging self experience) driving it.

There are a number of things to embody and embrace (skills to learn, knowledge to apply) to get free from disordered eating behaviours and beliefs but at the heart of it all, I believe there are 3 pillars that are foundational to living a life that is whole and free…

“Value is your birthright, your body is your home, and in a world of uncertainty you can experience a security deep within that will set you free from the dis-ease at the heart of disordered eating.”  Michelle Sparkes

If embodying value is the first pillar to freedom from disordered eating; experiencing your body as home (not object) is the second…and they are intimately connected…listen here for more.

Here are three things that can help you value yourself in ways that are life-affirming and health promoting:

What happens when the drive for health becomes unhealthy? asks Jenny Brockie, host of SBS Insight, as she explores our nations “health obsession” with a roomful of people and three 20+ year olds struggling to recover from disordered eating and eating disorders. As I watched the show I found myself reflecting on the power of the fathers hug to bring soothing and rest to a heart of anxiety.

When a heart is anxious and troubled, what helps settle that is to be held, to be hugged by someone who loves us, who cares for us, whose heart and intention is good towards us. This settles our anxious heart. It helps us to rest and be at peace and from this base (of peace), to make decisions and choices that lead to better outcomes, healthier responses rather than fearful reactions….and more disordered eating.

What drives the movement from health to unhealth? Fear. Fear that rides on the coattails of lies believed. You’re not good enough.

So you… try harder, do better, be thinner, be healthier, exercise more (self and body) control.

And you chase your tail down the slippery slope of disordered eating into a full-blown eating disorder because the anxiety and need to exercise control does not abate, it increases. This is the nature of eating disorders.

To feel driven, compelled, pushed. To lose the freedom to CHOOSE.

To become isolated, withdrawn, dis-connected.

Oh but the healing power in the fathers embrace.

To be seen, known, loved, valued.

Irrespective of our struggles. Perfection not expected.

Strong arms and a warm heart that embrace and impart a sense of shelter from the storm, safety, security, protection, support.

Not your experience? I understand.

Our experience shapes but does not define us. Your true worth and value stand regardless of your experience (like a $100 bill that’s been trampled and spat on but is still worth $100). And there is One who sees and knows and loves you. Does not expect perfection. Knows it’s impossible. Understands your anxious heart. Longs to embrace you. Face to face. Eye to eye. To find yourself known, loved, safe, secure (though the mountains fall and the earth may change), even then.

Such comfort, such peace to impart to a troubled heart.

I have found such peace in the Father’s hug.

Great to be back in the podcasting seat! I’ve been offline piloting the 4×4 Freedom Express and really enjoying the face to face interaction involved.  I believe human connection is more needed now than ever to promote health and well BEing in our fast-paced, low-grace, digitally-connected world. One thing I’ve noticed over the last few months is a growing number of Japanese listeners to the podcast. I’m humbled, honored and intrigued. I’d love to hear your questions and concerns. In this podcast I chat about the cultural matrix in which we sit and how this influences our sense of self and entitlement. With respect to my Japanese listeners (and indeed all my listeners), I’d be honored to hear from you.

“Pornified messages are bombarding our young people and giving them distorted ideas about their bodies, about relationships, and about sexuality,” says Melinda Tankard Reist, in this podcast interview, “According to global research, (this is) making our kids very unwell.”

We are seeing a rise in negative physical and mental health outcomes, eating disorders, anxiety and depression, self harm, low self-esteem and poor academic performance.

“I believe we are facing a significant crisis amongst our girls,” says Melinda.

Girls are experiencing increasingly negative attitudes towards their bodies, describing themselves as fat, disgusting and unworthy (even to live). Boys are comparing girls’ bodies with porn star bodies on the basis of whether or not they match up.

“And we wonder why girls are anxious and depressed,” says Melinda, “to me the mystery is that any girls make it through unscathed.”

Boys start seeing porn at an average age of 11, often viewing pornography that eroticises and glamorises violence against women.

“We’re teaching boys that violence is sexy,” says Melinda, “We have these national campaigns to address violence against women but we are doing nothing to address the cultural drivers of that very same violence.”

Drivers such as the normative, permission-giving beliefs to boys that girls’ bodies exist for their sexual gratification and pleasure.

“Boys are learning a sense of entitlement to the bodies of women and girls,” says Melinda, “and girls are learning that they exist primarily as sexual service stations for men and boys.”

Girls are so disconnected from their own sense of pleasure, intimacy, and authentic human connection, says Melinda, that when she asked a 15-year-old girl about her first sexual experience, the girl responded, “I think my body looked okay. He seemed to enjoy it.” [Italics, mine]

“Girls shouldn’t have to be navigating sexual requests at 11 and 12 and be assessed on the basis of their bodies,” says Melinda, “they are not being valued for their gifts, their talents, their abilities, their desire to change the world, to be a loving sibling, a devoted friend, their spirituality…they are not being valued for anything other than whether they look hot or not.”

This is making our girls very unwell.

Change is difficult but possible…and every voice counts.

This is the premise behind Collective Shout for a World Free of Sexploitation, a grass roots organisation co-founded by Melinda, that works to address the toxic messages of pornography that give our young people distorted ideas about their bodies, about their relationships, and about sexuality.

Melinda speaks to girls and boys across the country, empowering girls to say no to unwanted sexual intrusions and encouraging boys and girls to seek respect-based relationships.

“It’s difficult and it takes guts,” she says but change is possible and evident in the stories she shares in this interview.

Collective Shout is active politically and also works with corporations that want to take a responsible approach by agreeing not to sexualise women and objectify girls to sell products and services. It’s a big job but Melinda and her team are proof that when voices join together for the common good, they can indeed make a collective SHOUT!

If you would like to know more about Melinda Tankard Reist and the work of Collective Shout, please click the embedded links.

Feedback and questions welcome.

[email protected]

@mp_sparkes