You Already Know with James Creviston

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

A giant shark has made waves on TikTok after it was filmed swimming near a ship. After over 37 million views TikTok concluded they’re going to need a bigger server.

Spanish police are investigating the death of a 39-year-old man whose body was found inside a dinosaur statue. It turns out that all the dinosaurs were man-eaters.

New research has suggested that humans could live to 150, which is twice the current average life expectancy. Upon hearing the announcement Congress raised the eligible age to get Social Security to 125.

An Australian man went viral after opening a safe he had found five years ago only to discover that within it, was a single XXX condom... As in a branded condom, from the 2002 movie starring Vin Diesel! Just like the film the condom was considered a waste of a safe space.

Waste heat from data centers and sewage works are set to keep many people warm in Britain. The creator of the technology has used a similar technology to warm his own bed, via farts.

A 2-year-old girl from Los Angeles has become the youngest American member of Mensa. She has already started her own TikTok to capitalize on her new fame.

HBO Max has announced they finally finished filming the FRIENDS reunion show. It runs out that it was the reunion even the friends didn’t want.

These are the jokes for May 31, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

Dunkin Donuts has released a direct-to-consumer paint brand in their iconic colors. Your home can not only look like a Dunkin Donuts but it can smell like a Dunkin Donuts as well with smells like morning breath, B.O. and homeless urine.

Airlines are considering weighing passengers before flights as U.S. obesity rates climb. Airlines said they would change based on weight, emotional baggage will be charged separately.

Kellogg's has announced they are making Cereal Boxes smaller to reduce cardboard use. However the amount of air in the bag will stay the same.

Alabama beachgoers found 31 kilograms of cocaine across a beach in Gulf Shores, worth over $1 million dollars. Beachgoers knew it was cocaine as soon as spring breakers and Wall Street traders descended on the beach.

An alligator reportedly chased several people through a Wendy’s parking lot in Florida. The gator told police it would have stopped had they given his Jr. bacon Cheeseburger back.

Superstar singer and actress Cher turned 75. Sadly she still hasn’t figured out how to “turn back time”.

These are the jokes for May 24, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

Space Force Lieutenant Colonel Matthew Lohmeier was fired after he made comments on a conservative podcast. The comments included praise of Space X, verifying aliens exist, and that Space Force is just a bad show on Netflix.

North Carolina Police solved a rash of crimes after the Thief got a flat tire causing him to be hit by 18-wheeler. Police were happy they only had to semi-solve the crime.

A recent study asked people what animals they thought they could beat in a fight with many overestimating they could take a goose. The results also showed that men thought they could take down gorillas, bears, and their mother in laws. In other news UFC President Dana White has announced his newest fighting league titled the Animal Fighting Championship.

A woman was left dismayed after her neighbor accused her of forcing her son to eat “ethnic food”. When asked what ethnic food her son could have, the woman stated, None, he only eats Pizza Hut, Panda Express, or Taco Bell.

A diver in Australia spotted a fish wearing a gold wedding ring. The diver was excited that he had finally seen a goldfish in the wild.

A new species of dinosaur identified by Mexican paleontologists is believed to have been "very communicative" and used low-frequency sounds like elephants to talk to each other. The dinosaurs were not known to have lived long as they talked so much their social life became extinct.

These are the jokes for May 17, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo implied that unvaccinated people could ‘Wind Up Killing Your Grandmother’. Officials are taking the claim seriously since Cuomo has killed more Grandmothers than anyone.

A Missouri woman clearing overgrowth from her backyard found a “live” World War II-era Japanese bomb. Finding the bomb really blew up her weekend plans.

A Florida teen that allegedly rigged the election for homecoming queen is being charged as an adult. While awaiting trial she has been hired as the head of election security at Dominion.

A Philippine collector has amassed a super-sized collection of over 20,000 fast-food toys. In addition to the toys he has also amassed a supersized case of diabetes.

A farmer in Belgium has inadvertently redrawn the country's border with France by moving a stone marking the boundary between the two countries. And just like any other incident the French have been involved in they apologized and accepted the loss.

A new report has found that lumber costs have added $36,000 to the average price of a new home. This was not news for men with ED as they already knew it was expensive to get wood.

A Florida woman found a cigarette inside her Taco Bell meal. Not to be outdone Waffle House has started adding Hashish to their hash browns.

These are the jokes for May 10, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

A beachgoer stumbled upon 65 pounds of cocaine that had washed ashore in Tampa, Florida. The man only realized it was cocaine after he got a rush from snorting what he thought was white sand.

The Biden administration is expected to announce a ban on menthol cigarettes, in order to protect African American communities. The administration has said it wants to expand the ban to include fried chicken, watermelon, and grape soda.

In an effort to bring back diners, Hooters is opening a new, fast-casual restaurant chain spinoff. The spinoff will be a quicker service kiosk with the same food and will be called Itty Bittys.

Ohio Republicans introduced a bill to rename a State park after Donald Trump. The park was picked because it is already a great place to get groped against your will.

A woman was charged with a felony for not returning a VHS tape 21 years late. The woman was so mad at the charges she didn’t even rewind.

A Nigerian teen was offered 19 scholarships worth more than $5 million from the US and Canadian schools. All of it will of course go to help her cousin, a wronged Nigerian Prince.

Country Music legend Willie Nelson celebrated his 88th birthday. Instead of cake he had brownies and he doesn’t remember it’s his birthday.

These are the jokes for May 3, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

Amazon has announced it is bringing palm-reading payment tech to Whole Foods stores. So you can get your palms read in the Vegan aisle and at the register.

New research has revealed that traces of radioactive fallout from nuclear tests in the 1950s and 1960s can still be found in American honey. So move over Incredible Hulk here comes The Incredible Drone.

President Joe Biden pledged to cut U.S. greenhouse gas pollution in half by 2030. He has started by cutting his own bean intake and banning Taco Tuesdays.

According to a new tell all Prince Philip had ‘only one complaint’ about Queen Elizabeth during their 73-year marriage. It turns out that he couldn’t stand her Dutch ovening him in bed.

Polish Animal Control officers detained what was reported to be an animal stuck in a tree, but instead turned out to be a croissant. Authorities detained the croissant and disposed of it during lunch.

A Ukrainian airline is commemorating the 35th anniversary of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant disaster by offering an aerial tour of the site. The flight includes a tour, snacks, and an extreme form of cancer.

A fight over the name of Josh drew a crowd of hundreds from around the country to a Nebraska park on April 24th for a heated pool-noodle brawl. Following the battle there was no longer any Americans named Josh.

These are the jokes for April 26, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

Chrissy Teigen has made her comeback to Twitter just over three weeks after her dramatic exit. She showed back up in style this time culturally appropriating from good people.

New Mexico Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham has paid $62,500 to a former staffer accusing her of grabbing his crotch and laughing at him in front of his co-workers. Turns out only Trump can garb someone by their genitals.

The World's largest rabbit is missing and has been presumed stolen. In other news the worlds largest rabbit stew has be inducted into the Guinness World Records.

Former U.S. Vice President Mike Pence received a heart pacemaker device. Doctors say that it explained why he never liked anyone this whole time as he was missing a heart.
Two new puppies are reportedly comforting the Queen. The “puppies” are reported to be rescues from the men’s show Thunder From Down Under.
The NYPD is using robot police dogs to patrol the city. And unlike Joe Biden’s dogs or police horses they won’t cover everything in poop.

West Virginia is offering $12,000 to New Remote Workers if they move to the state. Requirements for the program require new residents to learn to squeal like a pig and play the banjo.

These are the jokes for April 19, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

A New Jersey high school teacher who called a student a "loser" in a Facebook post has had her teaching license suspended for two years. She is the loser of her job.

Researchers say complaints and "humble-brags" about being too busy or overworked have replaced stories about vacations and skipping out of work for a round of golf or a ballgame as ways of signaling social status. I wanted to give you a punch line for this story but I couldn’t get away from work.

Researchers at George Mason University have created a synthetic version of an antimicrobial compound using a substance in Komodo dragon blood. It’s also the same thing that is inside Purell.

Scientists have created a device that can pull drinking water from the air using only the power of sunlight. God has created something similar, it’s called a cloud.

A recents study has found that clean eating is a “ticking timebomb” that could leave young people with weak bones. The study also went on to say that the McRib is back.


These are the jokes for April 18, 2017. I’m James Creviston and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

Prince Philip, the lifelong companion of Queen Elizabeth II, died at the age of 99. Within hours the Queen announced she was single on both Facebook and her new Tinder profile.

Rapper DMX passed away at 50-years-old this week. All services will be held at any public park where Ruff Ryders anthem is still blasted during BBQs.

The University of Kentucky mistakenly sent acceptance emails to 500,000 high school seniors. 499,900 wrote back saying they rejected the invitation.

A volcano in the southern Caribbean that had been dormant for decades erupted. Scientists now explain that it wasn’t a volcano, it was just Stella getting her groove back.

Tom Brady has announced he is launching an NFT company. Following the announcement the market for NFTs suddenly deflated.

Virginia became the first Southern state to legalize marijuana. In support for the new bill the Governor pushed to change the states travel slogan to “Virginia is for weed lovers.”

Lake Superior State University is offering its first scholarship to study cannabis. The scholarship allows students to get paid to study cannabis as well as “get high on the schools supply.”

These are the jokes for April 12, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.

Welcome to You Already Know, the podcast with jokes about news you already know. My name is James Creviston and I am a comedian in Los Angeles. Here are this weeks news jokes.

Researchers at a cosmetic surgery group have declared Prince William the World’s Sexiest Bald Man. Outraged by the snubbing Vin Diesel is requesting a recount.

A brain is disease popping up in California’s bear population which makes the black bears unafraid of humans. This is especially worrisome for black bears that interact with police.

Officials are warning callers to be on the lookout for calls that use a four-word phrase as it can be dangerous. That four word phrase is “We need to talk.”

President Biden’s German shepherds are being accused of pooping in the White House hallways. Reporters were disgusted by the incident but said it’s better than being bitten as they tried to poop in the White House bathroom.

Jill Biden pulled an April Fools' Day prank on the media and her staff. It turns out she was the one pooping on the White House floor.

A team of archeologists has discovered that people were collecting crystals over 105 thousand years ago. They also found that they were just as annoying as the ones who collect crystals today.

Students in Burlington, Vermont, are now attending high school in a former Macy’s department store inside the mall. School officials say there’s no better way for them to truly understand how capitalism works.

These are the jokes for April 5, 2021. I’m James Creviston you can find me on YouTube and this is You Already Know.