Your Iconic Image

Britt Lightning

Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp

Vixen

Britt Lightning is the Musical Director for Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp, as well as the lead guitarist for the legendary all-female Platinum selling 80's rock band Vixen.

Britt has played guitar for top 40 artists like Rachel Platten and Jason Derulo, performing live at festivals and on national TV shows such as Good Morning America, the Today Show, Live with Kelly and Michael, VH1, the Teen Choice Awards, Nickelodeon, and performed on the 2016 finale of America's Got Talent, which took place at NYC's Radio City Music Hall. Britt performed for 22-time Grammy Award winning artist Alejandro Sanz in his stadium-level world tour. Britt is featured in Sanz's "La Musica No Se Toca – En Vivo" CD/DVD. Britt joined Sanz at the 2013 Latin Grammy Awards in Las Vegas performing the single "No Me Compares", and performed with the band at prestigious festivals, venues and international TV specials.

During COVID Britt hosted and helped produced over 150 online masterclasses for Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp with top rockstars like Roger Daltrey (The Who), Alice Cooper, Joe Elliott (Def Leppard), Robby Krieger (The Doors) and more. Now that live events are back, she is helping to plan the camps as well as working as a counselor and the musical director. This May Britt will be running the first ever Women's Only Rock Camp featuring Melissa Etheridge, Nancy Wilson (Heart), Kathy Valentine (The Go-Go's), Orianthi and more.

Britt has a vast knowledge of the music industry; on the creative side being a professional musician and songwriter, and on the business side, having earned a degree in Music Business from Northeastern University graduating Summa Cum Laude, and continuing her education at Berklee School of Music. In addition to Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp, Britt has worked in the music industry at Live Nation and Universal Music Group. Labeled the "Closer" by Lady Gaga, Britt has followed her dreams by striving to grow and evolve as a musician and person.

brittlightning.com

rockcamp.com

vixenofficial.com

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Transcription : Vision In Word

Marlana

Britt Lightning is a musical director for rock and roll fantasy camp as well as the lead guitarist for the legendary all female rock band vixen. To say her accomplishments are outstanding would be an understatement. And the list of musicians She's performed with beyond impressive. In addition to playing stadium tours, festivals, and international TV specials, she has also hosted and helped produce over 150 online master classes for rock and roll fantasy camp, as well as planning live camps and working as a counselor and the musical director. Labeled to closer by Lady Gaga, Brett has followed her dreams by striving to grow and evolve as a musician and person. Welcome, Brett. I'm really excited to have you here.

Britt

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Marlana

first of all, I have to ask how why the closer.

Britt

Basically, when I did the audition for Lady Gaga, we got the callback, we auditioned in front of other people, then finally, we auditioned in front of her on this soundstage for a few days, and she didn't really want us to play any of her songs initially, she just said, do something to impress me. So, I just kind of got up there. I shredded and I played behind my head, and I was on the floor, and just, trying to be flashy and doing what I thought at the time might be impressive. And she loved it. And she just said, you're like the the closer when the baseball team needs to close the game, they throw in that one guy and then he'll just close the game up, he'll hit the homerun at the end and just sweep it. So that's what she meant by that. And I was like, Okay, I'll take it. Thank you.

Marlana

Yeah, absolutely. and here you are, you're living the dream of what many people have in your industry, you're making money, making a living and touring as a musician. So, what do you think was instrumental to helping you get to that point? Was there an incident or it was just persistence? Was it a person that you met along the way? Talk to me a little bit about that.

Britt

I think it was mostly finding my own confidence within myself and realizing that you have to get out there. And you may have insecurities. I feel like every artist has insecurities, maybe every person, but especially in the arts, it's personal, you as a photographer, artists are subjective, so people can love you, and people can hate you. And you have to be okay with that and be okay with people that they're going to criticize you for something, people aren't gonna love what you do. But you still have to put yourself out there, you can be the best living room guitar player in the world. But that's not going to really help. you get out there and really make money, although in today's world with YouTube, I mean, maybe you can, but as far as like being a touring musician, and getting out there, that's what I really had to get over, I had a fear of like a stage fright. Basically, when I started to, I was afraid of jamming, with people getting up at a jam and just, I hated improvising and things being unplanned. I'm a little tight bass. So, it was kind of like if I didn't practice something perfectly, I felt completely unprepared and unqualified to try something. But you got to get over that. So, I think that really helped me more than anything. And just also going through the plan B for a little bit, working in an office environment, getting into business. And realizing, oh, I want to kill myself, I'd rather be a poor struggling musician, then, work in the same office every day on the same four walls and feel this boxton routine lifestyle. That just wasn't for me. So also trying something and feeling uncomfortable and knowing what makes you tick really helped?

Marlana

Yeah, and I think like you touched on any type of artists, whether you're a musician or a poet, or a photographer, or a painter, every time that you create something, it's a piece of you. And so, I think it's the criticism, or the expected criticism that kind of tricks us up sometimes. Instead of just putting out what we need to put out.

Britt

Right, exactly. It's just done you because I love the line that you're the best version of you the thing that makes you unique. It's not you can do this play this guitar like that nobody else can or you can sing like this. It's you are you that's your superpower, right? So, we got to stick with it and doesn't matter if it's good, it's bad and you can't compare yourself to others. That is like death, right? Because there's always going to be somebody that you think is better than you. Of course, absolutely. I'm never gonna be Jimi Hendrix. I need to try to be him. I just got to just do what you do.

Marlana

Exactly. So, I'm interested about the stage fright portion of it and what so the very first time that you ever went on stage to play live, what did that feel like?

Britt

I was very, very, very nervous. So, I was very, I don't know, if I moved the entire time. I think it just stood there and stared on my fingers. But it was liberating because I got up and did it. Because the very first time I had the opportunity to get on stage, I felt so sick to my stomach, I ended up not doing it. And that made me feel horrible. And I realized, okay, this is pathetic. I can never do I can ever feel like this. Again, this is like, super low. I hate this. And, actually, so the very first time I did end up getting on stage, it was kind of unplanned, but I was underage. And a worker, a co worker of my, my mom's was playing in a cover band in a bar. And so, I got in underage just to see him, he invited me to come see his guitar playing and stuff. And he pulled me up on stage for a song and I did not want to get up, but he kind of forced me to. And so that was a good icebreaker, especially because it was unplanned. So, it was more like, spontaneous, and I didn't, I couldn't really overthink it.

Marlana

Yeah. So, when you get up there now, what does it feel like?

Britt

Now it feels great. I still get a little nervous. I still get, pre show jitters. But I know how to get in the right mindset. Also, meditation helped me out a lot. When I did like my first stadium show, I was freaking out. It was a first show with a new artist. I was playing for Ella 100 Signs. And it was our first gig. And it was a stadium and Mexico City. And it was live streaming on Univision. And so that's a lot of people, especially when it's streaming live. And I just remember the music director had these. We had any airs, and the curtain was up and right before right, as the counteroffer was going before the curtain came down, he said, "Well, just don't fuck up". And then the curtain went down. And it was like, Okay, we're in this. There's no turning back now. But breathing and meditation and getting in the right mindset helps a lot, just getting focused and taking that quiet time before you step out on stage. And just kind of manifesting the way you want the gig to go. Because there's so much to do with mindset.

Marlana

Yeah. So how did you end up with fixing?

Britt

I wound up with vixen because why I moved to LA. And yeah, I was I grew up in Boston, I got sick of the cold, I ended a tour, and I was like, it's time to go there. It was always on my bucket list to say I lived in Los Angeles. And I just started getting involved with the jam scene here, which is just so cool. Because we didn't have that in Boston, any night of the week, you can go out in LA and jam and see musicians and maybe get on stage and meet people in network. So, I started doing that. And I started playing in a all-female Guns and Roses tribute band, and I was doing a show. I think it was either a show with the tribute band, and one of the jam nights kinds of both. And one night and vixens manager was there. And it wasn't really public knowledge at the time, that vixen was looking for a new guitar player, but he saw me and told the other women in the band about me. And then I was invited to audition a few weeks later. And the rest is history.

Marlana

love it. So, what are some of the things that go on behind the scenes in the music business that people don't know that maybe somebody who wants to be involved in music should Know?

Britt

Oh, there's probably a lot. Let's see, and what aspect? Are you referring to anything in particular?

Marlana

No just anything that jumps out at you because not being in the music business? I would have no idea what to ask you about it.

Britt

Yeah, I think networking is huge. And almost equally as important as your ability to play if we're talking about players in the business is your personality because you want to get you want to like your band. And if you're gonna live together on a bus or tour together for months at a time you want to get along and the more, I've been in it, the more I've turned down gigs because I don't think I'm going to, I don't love the people involved or something like life is too short. You want to enjoy yourself. So, at this point, it's kind of like yeah, You gotta love who you work with. Because you want to enjoy yourself and make it fun. And one thing I know is every time I see photos from Ibbetson show, we're always laughing, and I never remember what we're laughing at. But some pictures it looks like I'm just completely cracking up and it's like, nothing is that funny, but I was having a really good time and that's genuine and I think translates to the audience do and they can tell and people, people have a good time. If they're seeing somebody having a good time, if somebody looks serious and nervous, they're gonna, if you're watching them, you're gonna kind of feel like, ooh, yikes, I hope they're okay. Or just, that enjoy it as much. So that's a big thing. Let's see something else. I think just networking. Yeah, being a good person. Because word of mouth is the main reason that I've gotten most of my gigs.

Marlana

I think people underestimate networking in a multitude of industries.

Brittt

Yeah. And it's so important.

Marlana

It is really. What about the music business? In general, anything that surprised you about it?

Britt

I mean, I think this might be common knowledge, but you have to have a thick skin. I mean, you have to meet a lot of opposition, you have to audition and get turned down. You have to, just keep pounding the pavement, you have to, people say take every opportunity. And that's true, like, for the most part, if you're trying to break in and take every opportunity, even if it's not the right amount of money, or even if it's not the kind of music you'd like, but you meet people, you expand that that circle that you have, and word gets out. So, I think that's important.

Marlana

Yeah. What has been one of your best memories so far?

Britt

Oh, I'm lucky I have a lot of great memories. Definitely, with Vixen, playing overseas playing this big rock festivals like Sweden, rock and Graspop. Definitely, with Alejandro playing those big stadiums, I think one of my best memories is actually playing Costa Rica without 100 signs. My parents had never been to Costa Rica. So, they were like, We're gonna come out and see you in Costa Rica. And they've always been very supportive of my musical career. But not always got knit or like the music, rock stuff, I don't know, supportive, but kind of like, When is she gonna grow out of this phase, I think. And then I remember getting off stage and meeting my parents backstage, after the Costa Rica show, and my dad just had tears in his eyes. And he said, even though, this was in Spanish, and I didn't even understand the lyrics. Like, that was so beautiful. And just the energy here and all the people in the vibe. He's like, You really did it. I did this. I said, I had chills the whole concert like this is you really did it. So that made me feel good. So, I'll always remember that moment as like, oh, they finally recognize that, like I can make a living doing this, or this can be a real thing. It's not just a phase.

Marlana

Out of all the people that you've worked with, have you ever been starstruck? With any of them?

Britt

Yes! I mean, definitely, I think I'm always a little star struck in a way that like, I'm just like, Is this real life? Like, am I really, growing up having posters of you on my walls or something like that. But now, I'm playing a gig with you. And we're having coffee backstage like this is? Yeah. So, I think in that sense, I always, like, feel that I have to pinch myself moments, a little less than starstruck. I think I just tried to remember that everybody's a regular person. I mean, so I keep that in mind. And that helps. But we just did a rock camp down in Florida with Joe Perry. That was pretty awesome. I mean, when you see somebody so iconic like that, I mean, that makes you go like, wow. so yeah, that was a moment.

Marlana

And, here's the interesting thing about that, to me, is that, you get to feel that in all of the things that you've described up to now about going on stage for the first time or whatnot, you get to relive through other people to every single camp, because they get it. Tell everybody a little bit about what rock and roll fantasy camp is for the people that don't know.

Britt

Yeah, so it's basically a four-day experience. People from all over the world get together. We had somebody from Finland, somebody from Australia at the last camp. People come from all over all different ages, men and women, all different skill levels. Some people have been in bands before some people have never played outside of their bedrooms. And they get together they join a band of people they've never met with and in these four days, they're mentored by a rockstar counselor like me, and we help them be in a band and grow and play live shows they do to live performances at public venues where they can invite their friends and family to come and when we do the camps in LA the final performances at the Whisky a Go legendary venue and then they get to jam with their musical heroes and their theme. So, this upcoming camp that we have, for example is a women's camp we have Melissa Etheridge, we have Nancy Wilson apart Kathy Valentine of the Coco's Oriente. So those headline artists, they get to jam with them I'm, in addition to playing the to live shows. And so, if you see a tremendous amount of growth and appreciation, and people just really passionate and invigorated to play music, because most of these people aren't musicians, for their job, they don't get to do it professionally. And that's something that I don't think I take for granted, but you can. And so, it's always like a great reminder to see somebody just so excited to just jam and to just rock out. And it's like, oh, yeah, that reminds me of when I kind of first started and that enthusiasm, and it's always uplifting, and just the transformation that some people go through. I remember I went to these last camps, there was a guy who was a little shy, then I see him on stage, he has a cape on, he's got all dressed up, and he's just giving it his all-stage moves. And it was awesome to see.

Marlana

So, tell me more about stuff like that would have been some of your favorite experiences at camp with either the campers or the other musicians.

Britt

one of my favorite experiences was, I did a camp, and my band was a little bit more of a beginner band that I took on....

Success Development Solutions

Amber Fuhriman is an attorney, speaker, success architect, and podcaster. She is the Owner and Attorney at Fuhriman Law, a Law Firm she operates in Las Vegas, Nevada. Amber practices Criminal Defense and Immigration Law. She graduated from Law School in Michigan and immediately moved to Vegas to being her career.

Throughout her educational and professional career, Amber always thought there would be a moment where everything would fall into place, as she calls it, her "I'll be happy when moment." When that moment never came, Amber started to realize her entire identity had been tied up in being an attorney and chasing accomplishments to fill a void that accomplishments could never fill. Amber's road to becoming a success architect began in 2016 when she dug into personal development. Since 2016, Amber has pushed the boundaries of her self-imposed physical and mental limitations, living outside her comfort zone as much as possible and learning about how the mind works and how our limiting beliefs affect our success.

In 2020, Amber became a Certified Trainer in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and a Certified Master Practitioner in Integrated Timeline Techniques. Now, in addition to practicing law, Amber is a Success Architect and NLP Trainer. She works with "serial accomplishers" like her former self to help them gain clarity what they actually want, define what their best life looks like and helps them get out of their comfort zone to achieve their dreams.

Amber believes that pushing yourself out of your comfort zone physically helps challenge your mental limitations of what you can accomplish professionally. She uses her experiences with loss, grief, academic and professional success, and physical challenges including a 24 hour endurance obstacle course race to help her clients get out of their own way and achieve their highest level of success.

www.successdevelopmentsolutions.com

www.linkedin.com/in/amberraefuhriman

https://www.facebook.com/groups/morethancorporate

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Transcription : Vision In Word

Amber

I'm So glad to be here. Thank you So much for having me. You know, I feel we're just talking about this. And I'm super excited, because I get to travel a lot. And So, I feel like this is one of the benefits of what we get to do is like, we can do this from anywhere. And it really creates like a really cool freedom. So, thanks for work on your schedule around me.

Marlana

Oh, absolutely. So, you know, when I was mentally preparing for all this, a thought came to mind that I had read it, in effect it was if you live by persons compliments, you will die by their criticism. And I thought that that was just such an appropriate thing for this conversation. Because how does that affect our success and our self-worth and our all those things going forward conversation and community?

Amber

A lot of times we look for that validation from the people around us. And that will that's what causes So many of the crashes that people have later on in their careers in their life is that they have chased that Person who thought this would be a good idea. So, let me do that. So, they'll like me, when really what we need is that internal validation and that internal compliment, which is the most uncomfortable to give. And So, I really think I love that quote. And I think it could be expanded on by saying that the moment that you start chasing internal compliments, is that moment that things kind of fall into place for you.

Marlana

And those seem to be the most elusive. So, how do we actually catch those fleeing critters.

Amber

So, I think that every Person is different. And this is where what I do with NLP comes into play So much, because for those who aren't familiar with NLP, or neurolinguistics programming, it's the science behind the way that we see the world based upon the experiences that we've had. So, there are Some things that are universally accepted. And one of them that I find is almost universally accepted is that we live in a society where we were told not to brag not to compliment ourselves to compliment others. Now, there are exceptions to every rule in parents who raised their children to be complimentary of themselves. And they found this amazing balance between being confident and being egotistical. And that's the other thing too is our society teaches us that confidence is egotistical until you get to a point where confidence is sexy and attractive. And let me just say interject

Marlana

one thing. It seems to be more So, for women than men.

Amber

Yeah, I agree with you. And I disagree with you. At the same time. I think that women express it more. I think that men feel it and then put up a mask that looks like strength. So, I believe in my experiences that it affects both equally. It's just easier and more Socially accepted for us to talk about it. And So, we think about it that way.

Marlana

See, and I would have thought exactly the opposite that for women to express their strength, for women to brag So to speak. It's more looked down upon than if a man does it because of a man Yeah.

Amber

Then that's showing me clarify because I see what I see what you're saying. And I agree with you. If a So, there's this area, right if we're looking at this as a scale or a graph, there's this middle area that is like true confidence and anybody who Seen it or been around it or felt that energy, like, it's totally infectious, attractive and happiness, right? Like, you just want to be around that person because they truly believe in themselves. By believing in themselves and being confident in themselves, they believe in others and be confident in others. But then there's these ends of the spectrum that are filled with fake confidence. And that's where I think the masks for men show up. And the other side of it of the ego. So, it either comes off on one end, as I don't like anybody, I got this mask up, don't talk to me. Or for women resting bitchface, right? Don't talk to me. Or it comes up on the other side, as I know everything. I don't need anybody to tell me to look at me. Look how amazing I am. Don't talk to me. Now, that side of the spectrum, I feel like is more accepting of women than men? I feel like if women are there, then they're unrealistic and bitchy. And who do they think they are? And if men are there, they're just being met. Right? So, I agree with you there. But that that middle area where we all want to be, I think is as equally evasive for men and women. It's just those spectrums that we accept differently.

Marlana

So, how do we get to the middle?

Amber

Oh, all right. So, we were talking a few minutes ago about that universal or almost universal belief that it's not okay to compliment yourself. It's really interesting, because we don't talk about our successes, we talked about other people's successes, but then we can't talk about our failures either, because then we're just asking for pity. So, you're only supposed to talk about the things that go right. But then you're being fake, right? So, there's all of these rules that go on, that we in our minds have created based upon what societal expectations we were raised with. And the short and simple but not easy answer is to get rid of all of that. And to be willing to talk about your successes as much as you talk about your failures, and to be willing to compliment yourself as much as you compliment other people. And to be willing to sit in a space of love, peace and acceptance with yourself the same way that you would sit in a space of love, peace and acceptance with somebody else. I said it was simple, not easy, it's incredibly difficult to do. Because we have to quiet that voice in our head. That tells us that what we're doing is wrong or unacceptable, or we're going to be rejected because of it. And in the end, when you choose to do that, you're actually more accepted because of it.

Marlana

And I know yet another thing that I read at one point, little quote was that you would stop worrying about what other people think of you when you realize how little they do. Yeah! No, we're not on everybody's radar. It's So,

Amber

Yeah! No, we're not on everybody's radar. It's So true. So, without going scientifical, I try So hard to stay out of like the NLP science side of it, because it's So deep. The reality is our unconscious minds which run 90% of everything we do stop developing at the ages of about eight. So, we have an eight year old running our life. What happens when you walk into a room or when you're in a room talking and an eight year old walks in, and you stop talking? The first thing, whether it's things were you talking about me? Our unconscious mind takes everything, personally, everything. And this is why whenever you're giving advice to somebody, many times you're actually giving advice to yourself. Or whenever you're looking at somebody and saying God, I can't believe that she did, that she's such a jerk. Like she's So full of herself. And I don't know why she thinks she can dress like that. What you're actually saying is, I could never dress like that. I can't believe that she would do that because I would feel uncomfortable in that situation. Or you're saying I could don't dress like that. If you ever dress like that, then this is what people are going to think about you. We don't realize that this is where that fine line between self-deprecating humor becomes So, dangerous, is our brains don't understand the difference between truth and fiction. This is why visualization works. This is why we like TV and movies and books So, much is because our brain takes it as real. This is why we can have a human connection and cry when somebody in a movie dies knowing that the actor that played that Person is doing an interview 10 minutes later and they're fine. It's because our brain takes everything as fat. So, when you say oh my gosh, that I did that again. I guess you can't trust me. What you're saying is you really can't trust what your brain doesn't understand. So, when I hear somebody who needs to deflect by self-deprecating humor, it's So, dangerous. So, with that being said, I found this because I needed it right. And I was suffering panic house, I was suffering from anxiety attacks, I needed Something to help me grow my business. And I found NLP. And I went through all the trainings, and I did the work. And I learned about myself, and I learned about the way that the mind works. And about a year and a half into my training. I was at the end of one of our sessions, and I stood up in front of the group that we've been working with our class for that training. And I was giving a debrief of what my experiences had been like. And all of a sudden, they started crying. And my coach and mentor says, are you okay? And I said, it's quiet. And she says, in the room, and I said, No, in my head, I said, the voices that I've constantly had to talk over, that tell me that I'm not wearing the right thing, or I didn't do my hair the right way. Or nobody wants to hear what I'm saying, or they just want me to sit down or they're laughing at me because of my weight, or am I too skinny? Or what am I too, we all have that, right? And for the first time in my life, they weren't there, and they have never come back. There's doubt, and there's fear, and there's human emotions. But that, as we call it, itty bitty shitty committee that sits in your head and constantly tells you that nobody wants to hear what you have to say, or you're doing the wrong thing is gone. So, the best answer I can give people is to trust the process and uncomfortably do the work until those voices go away.

Marlana

What do you think was the real catalyst for you or the tipping point for you in all of it? And throughout the NLP process are the decision to go to it?

Amber

Okay, Alright! So, the decision to go to it, I feel like is where I'll start, because it's one that affects So, many people. I lost, you know, my story, but I've had a long history with loss in my life. I, my first experience with suicide was when I was eight years old, and my cousin committed suicide, lost my uncle to suicide when I was 16, lost my dad in an accident at 18. And I shut down. And when my dad passed away, and I went to a doctor's appointment, within like a week for Something unrelated, they tried to medicate me with depression medication, because I must be sad. So, I need depression medication. And in my head, I just told you that the brain learns from experience. And So, to me, if I talk to anybody about what happened with my dad, they weren't gonna medicate me. So, I couldn't talk about it.

For 15 years, I never went to grief counseling. I never talked about my dad in an emotional way. In a public forum, I talked about intellectually, it's one of the reasons that I chose to go to law school, not to honor him, but to run from the emotions that I didn't want to feel about his loss. Because I tell people all the time, that it's really ironic. And then when I learned about it not So ironic, that I chose one of the least emotional professions to go into, after all of the trauma that I had, and how emotional that profession really is. We just refuse to feel it, which is where we're at right now. Right? So, for 15 years, I compartmentalized. I ran from my emotions, I refuse to feel I wonder why all my relationships failed. Because I didn't understand that you can't hide certain emotions and feel others. And in 2016, I was living the life that was supposed to take it all the way. You talked about it in the beginning, my I'll be happy when moment. And I wasn't frickin happy. And all of a sudden, instead of all the rainbows and sunshine and happiness this was supposed to bring. I was insane when I was still numb, and I was exhausted. And that's where the panic attacks and anxiety attacks came from. So, I started going to therapy. And in therapy, I was talking to my therapist, maybe two months in and they said, You know, I just feel like such a failure. And she says, Amber, you have a six figure income. You have a law degree, you're the first person in your family, go to college, you live by yourself, you support yourself, you don't rely on anybody. You're respected in your profession. I could go on and on. What does success mean to you? I don't know, nobody's ever asked me that.

So, that was kind of the first step of realizing that I didn't know what success meant to me and realizing that it didn't have to be the prestige and the respect and the money that came along with being an attorney. So, when I opened my business, I realized that I knew absolutely nothing about running a business. So, I started to try to find business seminars. And one of the seminars that I walked into was NLP based talking about you get to achieve the success that you want to have, will combine the fact that I didn't know what success meant for me with the fact that Somebody here was telling me how I could have it. Those two things seemed contradictory to me. And I wanted to explore that more, which is why I went down that path. I feel like this is important to go into because what I did is So common, and I was So manipulative, and So emotionally controlling to the people around me, and I had no idea, no idea whatsoever. It showed up as calling the people that I was dating constantly, it showed up as a complete lack of trust. But what that looked like was wanting to be with them all the time and being clingy and attached at the hip. It showed up as expressing whatever emotions I needed to express to get Somebody to do what I wanted them to do. And I didn't even know that I was doing it. What led to my panic attacks and anxiety attacks was I was away from Las Vegas at Some court appearances in Reno. And I got into an argument with the person I was dating at the time. And all of the emotionally manipulative things that I would do in the past don't work when Somebody won't pick up their phone. And for the first time in my life, I was left to me. I was left to sit with myself and deal with my own emotions and talk myself off, why am I feeling like this. And I didn't have the tools and resources to do that. So, I hyperventilated in a corner for four days. So, I call her therapist while I'm up. And this is the most important part of my journey. I called a therapist while I was in Reno, booked an appointment filled out the intake packet because you're in that pain point, right? It sucks, you feel it. And then I get home, and my axe picks me up at the airport. And life is normal again. And I'm fine. And I don't really need to go talk to anybody because I'm okay. Right. And So, this is really 15 years of my cycle is I'm really sad. I'm really sad. Let me manipulate my situation to control what I can, now I feel better because I'm in control.

So, I don't really need to talk to anybody. And God bless him. He edits my podcasts. Now he's my best friend, we never dated after that moment, but he's my best friend. He looked at me and said, What do you have to lose? You've paid the first console, you filled out all the forms, like all you have to do is show up. If you go and you don't need it, you haven't lost anything that you haven't already done. I was like, Well, I guess I'll go just So, I can prove to you that I don't need therapy, and then 90 minutes of bawling later because I didn't need therapy. I worked with her for another year. So, I go this deep into this story. Because So many people are living that cycle, I want to talk to Somebody, I want help, I need help. I want to learn this, I want to get out of my career I want to whatever that is for you. But then Something happens to normalize the way that you feel and it's never healthy. It's never a healthy response. And then all of a sudden, you're fine until you're not. And then when you're not fine. The only thing you can think about is how do I get fine again, but then as soon as you're fine, you don't need it. And I continued living the cycle until my mind, my body, my soul, everything said you can't do this anymore. And it showed up as panic and anxiety.

So, that's the first thing I want people to understand is that it's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to go talk to Somebody and it's okay to acknowledge that you need Something and don't know what that Something is and bring Somebody into your life that can help you find that where the turning point came in my actual transformation is throughout the NLP process throughout the training,

Carli Batson - Miss North Carolina 2021 / Miss North Carolina Scholarship Organization

Originally from Wilmington, North Carolina & a current senior at Appalachian State University, Carli studies communication; Public Relations and minors in Theatre Arts. Her passion lies within the arts & she has dedicated her reign as Miss North Carolina 2021 to serving communities across North Carolina, specifically local art communities. Carli has raised over $35,000 for rural theatre communities with her social impact initiative, Carolina Cares. She is proud to be a first generation college graduate this May and a debt free one, thanks to the Miss North Carolina and Miss America Organizations.

Instagram - @missamericanc

Website - missnc.org

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Transcription : Vision In Word

Marlana

Carli Batson has experienced the past year as Miss North Carolina 2021, originally from Wilmington and a current senior at Appalachian State University, clearly appropriately studies communication, public relations and minors in theater arts since that's where her passion lies. She is proud to be a first generation college graduate in May 2022. And a debt free one thanks to the Miss North Carolina and Miss America organizations. Welcome Carli.

Carli

Hi, thank you so much for having me today. Well, I'm so so excited to do this.

Marlana

So here's the thing. June of 2021, they announced your name, you win a title and you get thrown into the public eye. What has been the best part of that? Oh,

Carli

my goodness, that's such a hard question to start off with. But I get this question quite often. And what I always say and what will probably always be my answer is the amount of people that I've been able to meet, but the amount of different types of people I've been able to meet, in one weekend, I could be at the poetry Jubilee, and then at a senior citizen center, and then reading to students. And you know, you never get to really understand how broad our state is, as a community and how, how different we are and how special and unique that is, until you're kind of in a position like this. So I've been super, super grateful for that. And being able to make so many connections this year, and hopefully, some professional connections going forward. And it's just the journey of being myself. I think, in this conversation, we'll get into it more. But that's what a lot of people forget. When the crown gets put on your head, or you get an amazing opportunity, they forget that you're an actual human being with actual real human being problems, too. So it's been difficult to balance everything, especially still being a full time student. I'm graduating in a couple of days from Appalachian State. So being able to balance everything has been kind of chaotic, but I couldn't have done it without the amazing support system I have, and how welcoming our state has been of myself, even with all the challenges that I brought to my, to the table on my own.

Marlana

So what do you think, has been the most difficult part of the job or the part that you wish that you had been either better prepared for or better warned about?

Carli

Right. So I think in today's society as a whole, the role of a title holder, especially in the Miss America organization, has turned from, she's still a social advocate in her community, but even more, so she has to be able to display that on social media, and almost become more of an influencer on social media. So that was something I was completely uncomfortable with. Moving into this role, I didn't have that pretty much of a social media presence to begin with. I wasn't super comfortable talking and being candid and transparent on social media. So at the beginning of my range, figuring out what I wanted my Instagram to look like, and what I wanted, you know, my social media presence to portray was, was quite difficult. And if I'm being quite honest with myself, I have grown to find out that what I was doing at start of my year on the internet is wasn't exactly what I needed to be doing. Everything was kind of posed perfect. And I was trying super hard to only display my best cells online. But what I've learned is that that's not what people want to see. They don't really care about the curls and the makeup and the eyelashes and the crowns and the sparkles. They want to know what I'm doing on a Tuesday afternoon, Monday afternoon. So that's been a challenge for sure. I wish I had been a bit more prepared. But in that challenge, I think I have become a lot more comfortable with myself and a lot more comfortable displaying myself in a public eye as just who I am. And you know, I'm just a regular girl next door. I grew up in Wilmington, North Carolina. We're a blue collar ship working family. My family doesn't come from much. I'm not a primadona, primadona Princess by any means. I'm just someone that was given an incredible opportunity. And I want to make it clear and known not only across our state but in the world that that opportunity is available. Well for anyone, even people that are just like me.

Marlana

So how do you draw the line between your personal life and what you want to keep private versus how much people seem to want from

Carli

you? Hmm. Challenging, I think it's very situational. I think to a certain extent, it's important to be transparent and authentic on social media. But at the same time, some of the struggles that I experienced and some of the experiences that I have in my life are personal to me or my family, or my friends. So being able to kind of share more of what I'm feeling than necessary the situation, I found that in the Miss America organization, and then the mist North Carolina organization, there are a lot of not secrets, but secrets that you might have to hold back before they're officially announced by the organization itself. So in those things this past year, you know, I would be stressed out about something huge that was happening at the Miss America competition, but I couldn't tell the world that they couldn't know that. So it was more so being like, gearing up for Miss America, you know, stressful doing this, balancing this, and all the things but not necessarily saying, hey, world, this is exactly what's going on right now. Come into my life, because that does get a little scary. And I think overall, in a bigger sense, beyond social media, it's about keeping your circle small. And I have to say that the group of people that have supported and surrounded me, before I was crowned Miss North Carolina, are still the people that I go to for advice and to vent and to have my truest, most raw conversations with.

Marlana

And it's so important to have our circle that support us has ever been. Not that and I don't want to in any way, it seemed that you aren't completely grateful for this job and opportunity. But has it ever been too much at times? Has it ever really gotten to you the way to battle? Absolutely. So

Carli

first and foremost, incredibly, extremely grateful for the opportunity in what I would take all the stress, and all the chaos, because of all the magic that comes with it. Absolutely. But absolutely, it has gotten too much. I remember right around November, we were gearing up for the huge Miss America competition in December. And I actually had to break up with my boyfriend. And things got real and Carly's life, really had to take the forefront for a good amount of time. But I was in the height of prepping for Miss America. So I was going from mock interviews, to therapy to all sorts of events across our state as Miss North Carolina. And that was a lot. So I just had to look at myself one day and tell myself that you can't do this job. If you don't take care of yourself. You we have to block in the meals we have to block in showering, we have to block in homework time, we have to do these normal human things that normal people would do all the time. But for some reason I was forgetting because of everything else that was on my plate. But my body was just telling me to stop, you know, stop and eat, stop and take a shower, stop and call your best friend, stop and call your mom. And I just had to reach out to my executive director and minus North Carolina team and say, hey, look, I know the Miss America pageant is coming up in a few weeks. But I feel like I'm about to fall apart. Can I just take a week to breathe. And they were like, Oh my gosh, we had no idea. Please like, Take as much time as you need, let us know if we can help you. So in that moment, what I learned most is that sometimes when we aren't okay, or sometimes when things feel like there's too much everyone around us isn't experiencing that internally. So you have to be able to vocalize it and you have to kind of knock your ego to the side just a bit and have that conversation with the people that can help you and have the resources to help you. Because doing it all on my own wasn't gonna

Marlana

happen. Yeah. So let's talk about mental health for a minute and dive into that a little bit more. In what ways has has this been a challenge to your mental health and what have you done to try and take care of that? Yeah,

Carli

so I think in being any sort of public figure or having a role that makes you a present figure, whether that's in your community or your state, or even across The country is, is a big toll on just your self image. Comparison issues have been maxed this year. So what I've really had to work on personally, is being my best self. And sometimes my best self doesn't look like Miss Colorado's best self or miss South Carolina's best self, or whomever you're surrounded, and you're in this community with incredible, accomplished, talented, beautiful women. So it's hard to look in the mirror and put yourself on the same kind of level as the people that you have daily conversations with. So kind of looking at myself and a higher stance than I had before in the past was a big jump for me at first. And really understanding that, you know, I was given this opportunity, not only because that they had faith in me, but because I proved to the judges that they could trust me this year with this title and these obligations and these opportunities. So that's something that I earned just like the next URL. But comparison, and especially with social media, and the technology we have today has definitely definitely been the biggest struggle. But I also have to say the sisterhood of Miss America does a great job of shutting that down. It's hard to shut down in your own brain. But the first second, I start to feel down about myself or less confident, I know that I have 51 Sisters, across the state on an iPhone, and then the Miss North Carolina organization in the family that we've created in the sisterhood there is so strong, and all of those women just as incredible as they are on paper, and their resumes and their accolades, and the things that they could list and impress you with for days. They're also just really great friends, and true women that puts supporting other women and highlighting them before themselves, which is really awesome.

Marlana

Yeah. You know, I have various clients and friends that as they have emerged more into the public eye, when you become more visible, and people start watching what you do, and following you and things like that, they start to think that they know you, and can get sometimes I know from other clients a little more familiar than, than you really are. Have you ever experienced that? And, you know, how do you navigate that portion?

Carli

This makes me think of a time I was really struggling with my relationship with food. And not really in A Look at Myself, I don't like the way I look way, but just in finding time to take care of myself and eat and nurture my body in the way that it needed to be. And I posted a picture in a gown it was like National gown day on Instagram. So I posted a picture and a gown. And here comes the Karen's jumping on ready to tell me you know how thin I looked how unhealthy I looked, you know, it looks like I was about to fall over data. Ah, and those were the last things that I needed to hear. Um, so I think really, what's helped me the most is tuning out the haters and tuning out the people that you know, don't have any sort of value in in the conversation of your life and the conversation of who you are, where you want to go, what you're doing. You're never going to meet these people, most of them if you click on their feed and their profile, they're just computer bots to begin with. They're not even real humans. So really not letting the words get to me and focusing on you know, am I being a good friend? Am I being a good daughter? Am I being a good title holder? Am I being a good student? Am I being a good ally? These things are far more important than if Karen thinks I look okay on Facebook. So it's just having to look at something from a bigger picture and not getting too drawn into the haters.

Marlana

Term. Yeah. And you know, I also want to touch on this too, because woman that we both knew Cheslie Kryst several months ago, committed suicide and she was so accomplished and I know the gold standard for a lot of people in the pageant community and a lot of people just in general, because she was outstanding in so many ways. And I know that that rocked me a little bit. And I saw it kind of rocked you and a lot of the girls in the Miss North Carolina and Miss America and miss you USA organizations. What did that do to you?

Carli

Ah, so Cheslie's death completely gut punch me. It came at a time in my life where I wasn't taking care of myself wasn't doing well wasn't feeling my best. But still was having this social media presence where if you clicked on my page, you wouldn't know that at all. So I was heartbroken. And I tried my best to stay off the internet for as long as I could. But then something happened inside me that I think Cheslie was able to do for a lot of us, especially pageant girls. Then it kind of lit this fire in me. And I was like, Wait a second, these people that follow me the 25,000 people that follow me, they have six more months to get to know me. I'm gonna tell them the truth. Like it's done. There's nothing to portray, there's no one to convince anymore. And I think at the time of chess, Lee's passing, as the punch and hurt we all were in confused and searching for answers. We really understood the importance of being honest, even when it's hard, and really showing maybe the not so pretty side of but we do as pageant folders. So I think it was a day or two after the news, I made this post and it was basically pictures of me and a sash and a crown with tears streaming down my face. me asleep on the couch in my apartment after a long day. It was just you know, the raw honest truth of not every day is sunshine and sparkles and rainbows. There are those dates in those days are fabulous. And that's what keeps us all doing this job. But roped in and weaved into these incredible opportunities and amazing moments is real life and do lot due dates and deadlines. And you know, work that has to be done within yourself that we can't really forget about. And I think in social media as a whole, not only in the pageant community, we do a really bad job of just putting, you know, the prettiest pictures or the best looks, you know, I'm doing great. Look at my resume, look at all these things. I'm done. Without saying, you know, I couldn't be at this yesterday because I had therapy because I deal with anxiety and depression every single day. And I just think we're at a time in our life. That that's okay to talk about. And it's important to talk about. And so with Cheslie's passing, for me, it really just, even more so encouraged that, you know, you only had a certain amount of time left in this job, make it count, and make it available to the next Miss North Carolina and the next Miss North Carolina, to be able to have that open space on social media and be able to, you know, portray who they really are. Not just what they want the world to see.

Marlana

Yeah, I said, I said, But good thing, I think that came out of that is that it seemed like a reality check for many and, and it gave a lot of women permission to say, Yeah, I'm not okay, too. For sure. Absolutely. And it's really so important to be able to have those conversations.

Carli

lately. I remember seeing just, you know, the floods of Facebook posts and Instagram and you text messages on my phone conversations that I had in person with people that you know, after Cheslie's passing, it really was that reality check of Wait a second. I I know her like, I know that girl. I've been there too. I've had those feelings. I've thought about that. Um, so yeah, it's sad. But if anything, I think Cheslie's death really might have rescued a lot more of us than we think. Which is the

Marlana

thing that I think is the beautiful thing that came out of it if there's a beautiful thing out of it, right? Yeah. So what would you say to any girl that has your position going forward or any position in the public space going forward?

Carli

I'd say keep your circle small. Know who is really in that circle for your best interest? Not their best interests, not their business's best interests. Your sole best interest, not Miss North Carolina's best interest but your soul best interests and cling to those people. Trust in those people. We'll talk to those people have great communication skills, not just on stage, have those communications skills with your boss, have those communication skills with your travel manager, your business manager, your social media person, everyone in your close circle, whether that's your mom, your dad, your friends, or your boss, you need to have those types of communication open. for the sole purpose of something not going smooth and easy, because most of the time, these people have you on board, and you're just along for the ride, and everything is smooth and easy. They do a great job of making sure you have everything you need, and that you're supported in the best way possible. But there are times that that can't happen or won't happen. And I know, you know, with a pandemic, we weren't sure exactly what was going on at all. So the key there was really just having those conversations, having great conversation skills, and keeping those lines of communication open, and...

Marklyn T. Johnson Author/Comic/Host/Motivational Public Speaker

Marklyn T. Johnson Born and raised in central New Jersey, he lived in Minneapolis, Minnesota from 2005-2014 before returning to New Jersey. A graduate of the Connecticut School of Broadcasting, Marklyn has worked in the production industry for over twenty years.

Growing up, Marklyn idolized many different men. His first idol was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. that's usually the first big name outside of Jesus that many learn in their home. As he got older, Marklyn idolized Michael Jackson, Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan and Tupac Shakur.

Marklyn's greatest idol was his father, Willie. When he looks back on his life, Marklyn regrets ignoring the life lessons his father taught him. However, when he thinks about the man he's become today, the way he tells it like it is, the way he tries to lift others up, and his willingness to help others, he is reminded that these are all his father's teachings. Often times as kids, we take our fathers for granted and don't take the time to really understand those lessons.

https://marklynspeaks.com/

Amazon: Lessons From a S*** Talker

https://www.amazon.com/LESSONS-SH-TALKER-Marklyn-Johnson/dp/B08MSQ41VL/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3F0JUC04FKJTV&keywords=marklyn+t+johnson&qid=1648751415&sprefix=Marklyn%2Caps%2C141&sr=8-2

Facebook Conversations The good, The funny, The ugly

https://www.amazon.com/FaceBook-Conversations-Good-Funny-Ugly/dp/B09V573R48/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3F0JUC04FKJTV&keywords=marklyn+t+johnson&qid=1648751415&sprefix=Marklyn%2Caps%2C141&sr=8-3

IG: MisterDirect / MisterDirectComedy

FB: marklynscotchplains

Podcast: Mister Direct's Sunday Coffee

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Transcript : Vision In Word

Marlana

Marklyn T Johnson is an author, comic host and motivational speaker. Growing up he idolized many different men from Dr. Martin Luther King to Michael Jordan and Tupac Shakur. But Marklyn's greatest idol was his father Willie when he looks back on his life. Marklyn regrets ignoring the life lessons his father taught him. However, when he thinks about the man he's become today, the way he tells it like it is the way he tries to lift others up. And his willingness to help. He's reminded that these are all his father's teachings. Welcome Marklin.

Marklyn

Hey, how are you doing today?

Marlana

Good. So, tell us a little bit about you. What was it like growing up?

Marklyn

I grew up in Scotch Plains, New Jersey. I would say I had one of the best childhoods ever. I was a problem kid meaning like I was a pain not behind consistently a pain in the butt. misplaced energy, misplaced thoughts, misplaced ideas. I think a lot of kids are not traditional learners. books, books to me were whatever. I'm more of a hands-on type of person. Like, I could show you a video really quick of my own entire studio that I put together and built on my own. You know, and I don't say that to brag. Just I looked up the information how to do it. And I did it. And I people are still astonished when it comes down here like, so you really built a studio? And like, yeah, you know, it's, it's, you can see it really quick here with the, the two screens. And if I go that way, you can see the multiple, the multiple microphones, there's a green screen, there's a green screen room over there. And as an audio booth over there in front of me. So, I built this whole thing out. And I'm self-taught. And it's I think, I got that from my upbringing in Scotch Plains, because Scotch Plains is like a blue collar, you know, blue collar town, a lot of guys, nose to the grind nose to the ground or whatever, nose to the stone or whatever they say, and get the work done. And I think a lot of people miss that. In order for you to do it, you have to find what you're good at. Yeah, in order to put your nose to the stone and work. Because it's one thing when you do something you don't like, because you're told that that's what you got to do. But it's another thing when you decide I'm going to work, and I'm going to put my effort in. And not only am I going to put my effort in, but I'm also gonna make it make it a go.

Marlana

So, would you say, you know growing up that your parents were supportive of you, or were they hard on you? Or

It was both? I think what a lot of people don't understand. And I believe this wholeheartedly. My parents were from the segregated south, my mom, my dad was born in 33. My mom was born and thirty-eight. When I say this, people take it offensively and I go, but you understand my parents were from the segregated south, raising a kid in a majority white town. They carried a lot of that mentality along with them. Sure. So, they were very overprotective. And they were also extra scrutiny because it's like, look, as a Black man, you're not gonna get the same breaks as white kids. And you know, you've got to work double as hard. And for me, honestly, why the F? I don't know if I can swear it out. But why the F? Do I need to work double hard? He's an idiot. Like, I'm an idiot. Do you know what I mean? Because growing when you grew up around people, what you think is being depicted is not what you see, because you see them as a kid. You see that kid just as crazy as you are? Right? So, my parents were hard on me as a black boy, and I was their only child. So, they were there. And my mom said to me one time she goes; we were overly protective of you. We should have been, you know, we should have let you go a little bit more. And I say that it's hurt me in the long run because I had to take calculated chances versus if your parents aren't over protective, which is weird. I think the story I was telling you about one of my friends that I just stopped talking to her parents weren't over protected. So, from the time she was 14, she was taking a train into the city and going to clubs. You know what I mean? Yeah. Which my parents would have flipped out. What do you mean, you went to the city? What do you mean, you went to the city by yourself? And you're hanging out with all these, like, you know what I mean, right? It's so I always say my parents did the best job they could with what they knew. And I turned out well, I don't I'm not in jail yet. always a plus. Not in jail. Yeah, you know, I haven't been Alright, I don't have any out of wed kids. You know, like some guys are like, I've got 20 kids. I know I have no kids hiding anywhere. I love the fact that my parents raised me the way they did. I, I'm slowly trying to get out of the calculated chances, and move myself into, I've got to take a chance and everywhere I can go.

Marlana

So how do you make that mental flip, it's hard.

Marklyn

I had to quit my job in December, which again, we were speaking about it before I'm my back's up against the wall. The only way I'm gonna get out of it is if I find a job in production, I could literally put a put my I could put my resume out there and get an IT job.

Marlana

I wouldn't be happy, right?

It is not where I shine. I do shine as a host. I shine as a comic, I shine, you know, doing production work. Yesterday, I was helping a guy in a city. And I'm trying to explain to him like you want this look, because this look looks different. You know, and I'm trying to explain it to him, you're telling a story. But visually this is. So, I see. And it's funny. One of the guys that is a mentor to me, he said, You're either a comic and a producer's body, or you're a producer in a comics body. Don't give either one of those up, because either way, you're really good. You know, and it's true. I am pretty good at production naturally. And that's what he said, he goes, most people have been in this industry for years and can't do what you do. And you're still doing it with without a hiccup. And it's now as a producer, I gotta find money so I can produce my own projects.

Marlana

You know, it's interesting to me, though, because comics. When you are out on stage, you are taking all kinds of risks and chances. Yeah, so it's interesting to me that you were, I'm gonna use the word sheltered. I don't know if that's really the right word, but you were protected your parents, but you chose to make that kind of a decision to go out and take those comedic risks and be seen in that way.

I don't it I say this, and I am. I'm actually writing my third book as we speak. If you're an outspoken man of color, corporate America is one of the hardest elements to be in. It's not welcomed. You can be a woman outspoken; you can be gay and outspoken. You can be transgendered and outspoken in corporate America. For some reason, it's not seen as a threat. Black men that are outspoken and have outspoken personalities are seen as threats. And they're not welcomed in the corporate environment. This has been my experience. Most of the people that are successful in corporate America that are people of color are very quiet, head down and get the job done. You work 10 hours; I work 24 hours. For me. I couldn't do that. Because I found no joy. I'm giving you all my time for peanuts. Great to see that check. Let me tell you, right now, I wish I was in corporate America and get in the chat. Trust me on that one. But it's not. It's not very conducive. If you have an outgoing personality, it's very limited, it's very, when we decided you're going to move up that ladder, you'll move up that ladder. And when you're when you know, you can outwork your coworkers when you know you're smarter, and I don't care who you are, this piece goes about goes beyond color barriers, gender barriers, whatever, when you know you're smarter than your coworker, but your coworkers getting promoted, because your coworker is kissing the boss's behind, or because they're friends outside of work. So, he's looking out for him more than he's looking out for you that I have a problem with that. You know what I mean? And I think it's, for me, I've always had the entrepreneurial spirit, but I didn't know how to bring it out. And I had to bring it out by becoming a comic. And part of it is not everybody's gonna put me on a stage, I got to create stages for myself. So, I get on air. So, I will not on air so I can get on stage, and I can present my comedy. So that creates the entrepreneurial production side of my brain, you know, okay, let's, let's figure out how we're going to make this work.

Marlana

So, talk to me a little bit about that. How, how do you create stages for yourself?

You really go to venues you I did it the other day, and you talk to bar owners' places with stages. You just say hey, I want to do a show. And these are the people I want to do a show with. I want to host it. I did a show at a brewery last, You're eight shows at a brewery. And I had fun. And the best part about it was the guy that hired me said, Dude, I can see a difference from the start to the last show, you have grown exponentially. But that's also because I was doing stages. Other places. I had at that point, I had attained a weekend pass at Broadway Comedy Club in New York City, because I had tried out for what they call the industry room, which if you pass, if you get the industry room, it's an internship for two months, where they just throw you at different shows. And I was in the guy, the guy gives you a critique of your performance. And he goes, stage presents perfect. Confidence, perfect. You know how you're, you know, what you're doing up there, you're not fumbling around trying to figure out and he goes, you just have to learn how to write better jokes. And not that my jokes weren't there. But jokes comes in threes. So, I would say a line, maybe another line, and then I would walk away. Or I would say a joke. That's funny. But technically speaking, if you look at the audience, it doesn't work. You know, I'm telling a joke that someone from the 1970s would recognize what a kick, but if majority of people in our audience are from the 80s, they wouldn't know. Got it. So, it's been able to adjust the and understand that. And part of that is writing and looking and observing, because that's what you do as a comic, you're observing. So, as you're observing, you're looking and you're saying, Oh, this is a 20s. Crowd, same joke. Just alternate the names that you're putting in the joke, huh?

Marlana

And in there, you were saying, okay, look, my brain went into a different direction only because you were saying that perhaps this crowd, you're prepared for this crowd. But it turns out to be a different crowd. Let's talk about failure for a minute. How do you view failures?

The thing about comedy is you have to be ready to fail. Um, honestly, when I go into a black room, I really don't have, and I hate to say black room and urban room. I'm not really an urban comic. My style is not built for urban. That's not my voice. So, I know I'm not going to get as much laughter. But I don't care. Because that, you know, when they say steel sharpens steel, that's what that is. It sharpens you. It teaches you Okay, when I'm in this audience, these, and you gotta listen, because the party, people think comics talk a lot. We do because we've been trained to talk. But we also listen. Because if somebody says something during our set that we think we can roll with. We've got to be ears open. Oh, what did you say? Oh, let me go there. You just gave me cue for something else. So, it's when I go into an urban room, I'm listening. What jokes did they like? Okay, how can I get to these jokes quicker and emphasize them and put them out there? You know, it's if you don't fail in comedy, den, you're not a comic. Every comic fails, every comic literally takes an L. And what I love about comedy is, first of all, the funniest comics are not the comics that you see on the grandest stage. And if you believe that for your listeners that are listening, if you believe the funniest comics are the comics that you see on stage presented in front of you know, those comics are the most marketable. There was something about them that was marketable on a bigger stage. Your funniest comics are the people that are grinding it out night and day, night and day, and they're writing from their perspective. They don't Kevin, big, I don't have anything against Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart has writers. So, he's an actor at this point, give him the material. he rehearses it enough times and owns it, and it's his material. When you want to know what real comics do real comics are in Utah for two days, telling jokes to a bunch of mornings. The next day, they're in North Carolina, telling jokes to a bunch of Bible Belt people, same jokes. Those are the guys that are the funniest, because they're not doing preprogrammed stuff versus, they're constantly writing and they're constantly in front of different audiences all the time. It's a different animal, and they've got to suck it up if they get booed off the stage.

Marlana

So, let's just say you have a couple of those ELLs in a row. How do you not let it affect you?

Where you give up? I wrote a book lessons from a shit talker. Are you kidding me? I was born and raised to talk shit. That's what I like literally We I realized one thing about me is, I'm at my best as a host when I'm just talking smack with people. You know, like, that's just it's, you can't let the negativity of a failure stop you from where you're going. And that's one of the lessons I teach, when I'm doing motivational speaking is, if you're not failing, you're not learning. You're not You're not You're not achieving what you want. Athletes fail. Yep. When you see an athlete, when you see an athlete that can pull off a perfect play, they failed at that play 25 million times. And it's funny, Michael Jordan is who's like my all-time favorite, like basketball player ever. He always says he does this commercial about how many shots he's made. I've seen a commercial, you only care about the shots he's made. But he's missed more shots than he's made. We glorify like, as, again, as a comic, you glorify the comics that are put in front of you, as these are the guys that we want to market to you. But you're not giving credit to these comics that are grinding it out in some of these comics are barely making four figures. And what I mean by that is, they might be making money, but hey, we'll pay you 300 for the night. Hey, we'll pay you 200 for the night, you know, they still got a jobs. But their night job, they've got to be on point, they gotta be funny. And when you get the worry about comedy and comedy only, it's easier to be funny and have less of a fail night. But the quickest way in comedy you get used to it, you do open mics. Because they open mic, every comics heard every joke. So, if they've heard every joke, they're not laughing at you. So, you got to sit there for five to seven minutes in a room full of silence. Silence, absolute silence, and still tell your jokes still keep your rhythm. You know, you've done something special when you're a roomful of comics, and you've got them laughing because you're so in your rhythm. And I've had that happen a handful of times, where guys were like, oh my god, that was really good. It wasn't that I was good. I hit rhythm, and comedies rhythm like a song. Taught punch line, talk, punch line, talk, punch line, talk, talk, talk punch line. When you get that rhythm, and everything you say is on a click. Even comics have to give you your credit, like every five to six every five to eight seconds. Even if it's a slight chuckle it's laughter because that's your job is to make them laugh.

Marlana

Hmm. What how do you know, you mentioned people like Kevin Hart who have writers for them? How do you go forward in a career like comedy and still keep it yours?

Here's the best part about comedy. My stage name is Mr. Direct. Ma my stick when I'm introduced is the next comment coming to the stage as a real sugar honey and iced tea talker. You looked a little shocked when I said the actual word. So,...

Ruth Yunker

Author and Humorist

Ruth Yunker is an author, humorist and memoirist. She's been writing for thirty five years, and has published three books. Two about Paris, and surviving this beautiful but touchy city, traveling solo, staying in apartments, without a hotel at her back. "Me, Myself and Paris" and "Paris, I've Grown Accustomed to Your Ways". Her third book "Baby, I'm the Boss of Me, My Journey to Ageless" takes on aging with vibrant curiosity, personal power and a well-defined sense of humor, to ensure smooth sailing along this most daunting time in our lives. Ruth lives in Los Angeles, has two grown children whom she adores, is in between pets, does the New York Times crossword puzzle with an erasable pen, and has an unfortunate addiction to barbecue potato chips.

https://www.ruthyunker.com

https://www.amazon.com/ruthyunker/babyimthebossofme

https://www.youtube.com/c/ruthyunker

https://www.instagram.com/ruth.yunker/

https://facebook.com/ruth.yunker

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Transcription : Vision In Word

Marlana

Ruth Younker is an author, humorous and memoirist. She lives in Los Angeles has two grown children is in between pets, does the New York Times crossword puzzle with an erasable pen and has an unfortunate addiction to barbecue potato chips. She has been writing for 35 years and has published three books including Baby on the boss of me my journey to Atlas. Welcome, Ruth.

Ruth

Hi, thank you for having me on.

Marlana

So, I really am looking forward to having this conversation with you because I think aging is a touchy topic when it comes to women because most of us, as we age almost feel like we have to shrink and become a little more invisible. We aren't in the bloom of youth anymore, opportunities seem to be less, all those kinds of things. And even the beauty industry has such an emphasis on being young, staying young, all these kinds of things. So, I know that you use the term agent by viciously so how do we embrace that as opposed to, you know, wallowing in the corner?

Ruth

Yeah, first of all, get out of the corner, and stop wallowing and you're not invisible you're making you're doing it to yourself. Now I know people say I feel less visible now, well darken your eyebrows, for one thing, that's a practical thing women give up on their eyebrows as they get older. And I'm serious about this. I taught this is my book, Baby I'm the boss of me. And one of my chapters in it is about when I discovered the day that my eyebrows had turned white on me, you know. And anyway, that's the as you can see. But it's I don't we are from the very beginning. Beginning given a bad rap. Now I was a teenager in the 60s. So, I hit the baby boomers burn your bra, you're over by the time you're 30 types of attitudes. But it was a crazy time, and it wasn't the first time that women rose up and, you know, did their speech. I mean, it's been going on for a long time. But I think it gets back to the whole don't buy into that, that you're less beautiful as you get older, actually in the modeling industry now there is a huge it's called the classic. And using older models, just as diversities come into that world and but it's up to you, you know, you can't this is not a time when somebody else is going to give you a hand when as one gets older. It's their path. It's my path. You know, it's like you're all alone when you're born and you're all alone when you die, no matter how many people around the bed. It's you taking that next step and the sooner and I think I don't think we're born vulnerable feeling I think it really does have to do about have to do with our looks and that aging part but that affects men as well. I have men friends and pen their pay slips you know, the bottom half never really taught. And I can keep the craggy brow, but you know it's and that starts you're preserving your look starts with keeping, healthy eating healthy,

exercising. The older you get, the more exercise you have to do. I'm sorry to say it but it's like I used to have six weeks grace period of kind of like just letting everything go. Now five days and forget it. I mean I walk I do yoga, I used to do ballet, I used to ride horses, I used to jog. I've been doing something since I was 15 years old. And in spite of those barbecue potato chips, I have a bag waiting up there for me, I just think the health part comes first that I mean yes, because I learned early that when I started jogging, that it got the serotonin or whatever that makes you more cheerful it ramped it up. Exercise can help you achieve a sense of calm and serenity that pills won't do. Or I mean not. Again, I'm not a doctor, I'm telling you it works for me. I'm about as pure as you can get. Unfortunately, I gave up drinking at the age of 50. And, for very good reasons. No one around me was sorry I gave up drinking let's just leave it at that. And that was a huge eye opener and just learning to live life. For on its own. You know, I when I first quit, I was walking into a Starbucks and there was a two-year-old walking out with her mother, and you know hanging onto her mom's arm and she was just a light with joy. And I remember thinking, I want what you have. Because I know her mommy, that little kid barely had sugar in her, you know, I'm not talking about a stringent lifestyle I'm talking about also know what you need, give it to yourself. Like, I've given up alcohol, I will never give up anything else. Like, I'll never say I am never going to eat another barbecue potato chip in my life. I'm not doing that, you know, pick your battles. But so, I think it starts for me, it started with health, and then a good attitude that is hard to come by. I gave up anxiety eight years ago.

Marlana

How do you do that?

Ruth

Yeah, exactly, right. With practice one day at a time. You know, it's a course, anxiety hasn't gone out of the window. But there was a point where I was saying, why do I react to every single new situation, even one I want, like walking into a new dance class or into a party of people, I don't know, wearing an outfit I like feeling pretty good. And I'll still have that flash of anxiety goes through. And I have, you know, a very good acquaintance with panic attacks, you know? Or was

Marlana

is that come as you got older? Or was that always part of your makeup?

Ruth

I think it was a part of my makeup but not as I kind of gotten beaten out of me a little bit by being a new kid a million times when I was growing up. 8 million is my standard number, probably a new kid five times. But, as I got, I think, I think more so. And particularly it was exacerbated towards the end of my drinking. So, since I stopped drinking it, it has reared its head a few times. And I and I believe in therapy. I do a lot of yoga; I am total yogi. Oh my God! I apologize.

Marlana

I'm not a problem. No, it just means you're popular.

Ruth

Telemarketer and I've even signed up for one of those things as soon as get you know, they don't anyway. So, but the anxiety thing, I'm bringing that up in terms of saying giving it up, like someone could say, I'm going to give up worrying about what's going on the other side of the world because I personally cannot do anything about it. And my worry doesn't help me, doesn't help my organs, the inside of me and I was just all tensed up over that. And so, with the anxiety it was really a quote, and it's still there. I mean, I you know, I definitely I had to drive to something new and different the other day and I was like, oh my God, you know, that I just, you know, I had my ways. I left them time I got there just fine but I had to go through that, you know, and it's a practice, it's starting to notice how often I started to notice how often I would go there. I think that's a hint for anyone that had to do, or you notice pay attention to yourself. I'm a writer, I keep a journal and I don't keep a journal and I write in it. Just to write to myself. My children are supposed to burn them after I die but I think I better make sure I get rid of them first and not because of any kind of interesting gossiper titillating stuff. No, they are an honorably boring in terms of the constant whining that constant from starting them in 1982 When my daughter was two years old till now when I am 72 years old, and it's still going on in there. Either, it's good for me because it gets it off my chest, you know, and I can analyze it a little bit. But they are not. These are journals. So, I'm saying you know, keep a journal where you're being truthful to your you're talking to yourself or make lists, I'm big on words and stuff but catch your rep repetitive ways of thinking that are aren't helping, you know, that are negative, as some people think that's the smart way to be. I turn on the news first thing in the morning because I want to know what's going on. I turn on music. I go for a walk on the boardwalk. I mean, I'm going to find out what's going on during the course of the day. I have friends who say okay, Ruth, now let you want to know what's going on. And it depends. Now I have a subscription to The New York Times and the LA Times, you know, scan on it right into real estate, which I think is much more fun. Yeah. You know what I can do something about? I do and I am a big believer of positivity and adding joy in your own personal life. My personal brand and my kind of stand that I'm on is finding the smallest pay attention to your daily life. Get up in the morning smile at the mirror at yourself. I always recommend Botox if you've got a big crease here and get rid of it. Because all that does is and that look a worry into your, into your brain. Like, oh, I'm really tensed to know if you get that removed by Botox, all you see is this calm phase, and it's a very good associate annoyed, calm, we'll figure out how to be calm, being calm is better, being calm is wiser, being calm will help you age better. And I have a friend as to why that takes away the passion in my life. I used to think being angry was passionate, you know, and that really helped matters, you know, ever. I mean, a good solid argument with someone and usually someone you love very much is you that's part of living and that's part of life, you know, but in general with yourself, just try and notice those negative traits and just notice them. That's the first. There's always the first step and then you take it from there.

Marlana

So let me ask you, how do you okay, so now, we're working on our internal, how do you tune out the external because for example, there is this beautiful, amazing model who was in sports Illustrated recently swimsuit. And she I don't remember how old she was. But the minute she came on the scene that the chatter started, who does she think she is? She's too old for this, you know, did she have work done bla bla bla bla bla, meanwhile, she's amazing. And why can't we just embrace that this woman is amazing. Where it seems like, anytime a man is, as he gets older, you know, we look at the Sean Connery's of the world and they become distinguished we become quote unquote, old. So how do you tune out that mess?

Ruth

But you're right. I mean, it's at home. Do you remember who the model was? By the way?

Marlana

I don't remember her name offhand. I have to look for it, send it to you.

Ruth

Okay, well, I get I get, I get that I'm 72. I've had a facelift; I believe in Botox. I believe in get the facelift and skip the filler If you want to do that, you know, just go ahead, and get it done with and you know, it's a much cleaner way of doing things. But all of that kind of work is the same as taking care of your body, you know, not getting up to 250 pounds, which I think the world could do quite all of us could do quite easily. You look at a Sean Connery. He had good face work, man, but he had you know, and he took care of himself, right? There that that kind of one time a woman leaned across a dinner table, or a dinner party and she leaned across the table, and she said to me, okay, Ruth, well, you know, you look good, but that's because you work at it. Like that was an advanced thing. Yeah. And I leaned across to her and I said, and you look like you look like because you don't do a thing about it. She was a plane. She wasn't she didn't have to be playing, but she was pissed off. It was like a mean girl type question. I just tune it out. Because I feel better than them and I know it. And that's another thing is own your ego. Own it, acknowledge it. If you're good at something, you're good at it and be grateful. I mean, alone privately, you do all the grateful you know, the spiritual work and all that but out there in the world, especially as you get older, just stand tall. I remember one time running into a grocery store in Florida somewhere and in I lived in palace a part of Adera at that time, and flirty and women take care of themselves, you know, certainly a certain ilk. Now, there's always going to be those people that don't do a darn thing and you know, fine just stay out of my face. But she was older I think I was I had just turned 50 or something like that. And she was in her 80s I'm sure just this gorgeous woman but as she walked by us with pushing her cart and not leaning on the cart, pushing it, her perfume just was gorgeous. So, I hastened up to her kind of in a wind-blown kind of you know frazzled buying groceries for children at home type thing. And center. Oh, my God, I love your perfume. I love it. And what is it? And I don't know what I expected her to do kind of fall down on her face because I thought she was great, and she was older you know and all that. But I also was truly like telling me and she looked up at me and my kind of messiness and her elegance and she said it's Lucia hold on darling Lucia Hall, and off she went. Hardly a tiny little smile here like maybe you'll be there one day. And I thought that's who I want to be. I want to be like that. I know at home she took one eye I see an older woman or an older man, both anyone who are getting now that I'm 72 I look at people that I know are younger than I am looking older. But so, when I see someone who's like 80-90, and I know what it takes to stand straight, I have scoliosis I have to, I have to constantly do the bet the anyway, I look at them, and I realize how much time and effort it has taken them to be at this age and out fully dressed, walking with authority. Maybe these women who pick on someone like that they're just lazy jerks.

Marlana

Yeah

Ruth

Apart by French, you know, and women can be so nasty with each other. I don't know if men are nasty with each other. You know, but women, a certain ilk of women can be that way.

Marlana

Yeah.

Ruth

And I hate every one of them.

Marlana

Yeah, I yeah, I think it's more prevalent with women.

Ruth

Yeah.

Marlana

So how do you think enough of us step into our power our and own all of the wonderful things about us?

Ruth

Well, I can't answer that. Because I don't know. You know, but certainly in my world, I tend I've gone through not, I'm not weeding out friends, it's not like that. But as I get older, I have less patients are the ones who still kind of seem trapped back are the ones who still you know, do everything with their husband, and everything with their husband, I divorced my second husband in 2000. And I, I've been in a few relationships then but I'm, I also took care of my elderly father, as the older kid. After my mother died, and I didn't, I didn't have to take care of my mom, we live together. We had a family be just been in the family for years. And I lived there. And it was fun. My son lives there. For a while I had a it was an interesting household going on at the time. But I finally for the first time in my life actually lived alone, because I got married at 19 had children when I was divorced, I still had children, you know, at the age of 67, so that was five years ago. And I love it, you know now. I mean, there are times when I wish there were someone who could put on my necklace for me, you know, or if I'm with someone, I'm never living with them. That is wonderful. But in that period of time since I divorced in 2000. I've traveled alone, and I've just gotten stronger because of it. And I mean, I had a good upbringing, I lived in Europe as a kid, when I was 12, we moved to Brussels, Belgium, I was the most ungrateful 12-year-old for that European experience, hated Paris. I've written two I've been back to Paris is where I go. There's a kind of a base, written two books about that. But at the time, I didn't like it. It was a bigger, dirtier Brussels, Belgium, which is where we live. My poor mother was pregnant with her sixth child over there and she's taking her 12-year-old to the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa. And I'm going it's so small. You get close to it. You know, it's just this is this museum is ridiculous is too big, you know? Oh, it was awful, you know, but I chose to go back to Paris when I started going back at six weeks staying for six weeks in an apartment was because I used to speak French and I knew some of it would come and I just figured that was reasonable. But anyway, so in terms of I think, I think I really don't know I meet boasts some of my closest friends will suddenly surprise me we're talking about suddenly someone spoke up the other day and said, well, I'm glad Hillary Clinton wasn't, you know, electric. It's just ridiculous to meet a

woman for President. I mean, even the men at the table rose up and said, what are you kidding? It would be good to have a woman as a president in this country, you know, and then they were like, I was like, I thought we were friends.

Marlana

So, is there anything about aging that scares you?

Ruth

No, not anymore. Because I'm in the middle of it. You know, I have the I mean, I would hate to have suddenly a very painful the ability the disease attacked me. But even then, when I talk about in my book, everyone has their Everest's. And it's a funny, I'm a humorous, so the book is funny. Oh, well, hopefully, you know, it's got a bit of everything. And but the first address was having my first child and suddenly realizing, oh my God, I've got to feed this kid three meals a day for the next 18 years. You know, and, and how scary it was. And it was the kid was never, he is now a psychologist, and he is 44. So, it worked out, you know, we had some lumps along the way. And then the second Everest was, you know, doing what I'm talking about is do doing the thing you're most afraid of, but you know you need to. And that was for me giving up alcohol. I just, I just, I knew I had to do it. And so, I did. And the world opened up. And I learned at that point, and I believe that, that if you've got that kind of mountain in front of you jump off it, just jump off it, like your friend who wants to move to Florida, you know, it's like, she must have a reason for it, you know? And so, what was the original question, though, I'm...

Kon Apostolopoulos

Fresh Biz Solutions

Kon Apostolopoulos is the Founder & CEO of Fresh Biz Solutions, a Human Capital Management consulting group that provides performance improvement and training solutions to help organizations develop a pipeline of leadership talent ready to implement their strategy. He is an award-wining coach, a master facilitator, and the coauthor of the timely book, "7 Keys to Navigating a Crisis: A Practical Guide for Emotionally Dealing with Pandemics & Other Disasters." As a Thinkers 360 Global Top-10 Thought Leader, he is a regular contributor to popular industry and cultural publications, such as Management-Issues, Achievers Engagement Blog, and Thrive Global.

When not working with business leaders, "Coach Kon" gives back to his community by developing young soccer players in local, state, and Olympic Development Programs. After all, sports is a great way to teach important life skills!

https://www.freshbizsolutions.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/coachkon/

https://twitter.com/Kon_Ap

https://www.amazon.com/Keys-Navigating-Crisis-Practical-Emotionally/dp/1734943815

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Marlana

Kon Apostolpoulos is the founder and CEO of Fresh Biz Solutions, and award-winning coach, Master facilitator and the co-author of the timely book Seven Keys to Navigating a Crisis: A Practical Guide for Emotionally Dealing with Pandemics and Other Disasters. But when not working with business leaders, Coach Kon gives back to his community by developing young soccer players in the local state and Olympic development programs. Thank you so much for being here.

Kon

Pleasure to be here with you Marlana.

Marlana

So, that's where I really want to start, and use it as a jumping off point; your work with athletes, because competition is a very interesting topic to me. And I really think that women and girls are conditioned and trained differently than boys to deal with it. And I was just curious, what has been your experience in how men and women differ when it comes to competitions?

Kon

That's a very interesting question. The simplest way that I answer that question, when I get asked is that boys need to play well or play good to feel good. Girls need to feel good to play well. The origin of their validation for themselves, typically, and without trying to be stereotypical. But in general, there is an element of thoughtfulness to a girl's play, to a woman's play, she needs to understand why they're not opposed to getting dirty and getting out there and working hard and doing all those things. But they have to understand why boys don't give it a second thought. They'll jump in there. And they have to get out there and get dirty and wrestle with things in order to feel good, because it's that activity itself, that brings joy to them and satisfaction, whereas with the girls, they need to understand why we're asking them to do that, in order for them to commit to go down that path. And much of the origin of that has its roots in how we raise boys and girls. Talk to me about that.

Kon

Well, there's an interesting thing to think about it this way, we spend a lot of time for anybody that has children of both genders. Typically, with the boys, we have no problem, sending them out to go get dirty to wrestle in the mud, to go play, to be physical to do all of those things.

Anything that they do, and they beat up on each other, we see as healthy competition between males. We don't do the same with girls. We typically emphasize prettiness, we emphasize good behavior, we emphasize speech, we emphasize other elements of who they are, as opposed to the physical attributes, which are associated with athleticism.

Marlana

So, let's go back to good behavior. Because it seems to me when we look at instances, and I'll use the Olympics, because I know that you coach at that level. And it's also interesting to note, too, that you coach girls. So, I want people to understand that aspect of this as well. Do you think we advocate for ourselves enough? Because it seems to me that girls are also taught inherently to just take it because somehow you don't deserve the spot that you have earned. We've earned these spots. But for some reason, it seems that if we speak up, if we advocate for ourselves, that will be taken away, even though it is something we earned, and it seems like something that men and boys never wrestle with.

Kon

I think there's a lot of truth to that. And part of it is the way that we look at the commercial aspect of sports. Where does the money go? Follow the flow of the money and you realize where the emphasis is. You look at where the marketing dollars go and how TV channels or streaming services promote their different events. They'll promote the men's events very differently than they do the women's events, which is very interesting. And again, that is a general blanket statement across the board of athletics as opposed to certain events that are specialized towards one gender or the other. But in broader terms. We tend to emphasize a lot more the male and the men's events, we look at that, we commercialize them differently. The sponsor dollars, the advertising dollars, the rewards for the athletes themselves are much higher on the men's side, and therefore the flow of the money dictates where the emphasis is on so many different levels. It's only recently, for example, that the women's national team in soccer, was able to get a ruling that allowed them to get equal pay, or at least close to it start moving in that direction, even though the women's soccer team, and by all accounts has been more successful, from an athletic perspective, from an accomplishment perspective in their space than the men's team has. But yet, when people put the comparisons out there, and this is not the athletes This is everybody around it, that are putting it out there. They always put those accomplishments with an asterisk that, oh, yes, but it's in the women's space. And it forces the discussion, puts that kind of pressure on where there's an assumption that women should apologize for being excellent at what they're doing, or that somehow their accomplishments are diminished, because they're not on a quote, unquote, even playing field. I tend to differ; I tend to have a very different opinion about that. And even when I coach at the younger student athlete ages, I would never hesitate to put my girl's teams up against boy's teams and vice versa, because I think it does, it breaks down those artificial barriers that we set up.

Marlana

Yeah. Do you think that because sports in general seem to go way back and start off more as a boy's thing as a men's thing that there is that carry over that somehow, but with a little asterisk that? But this is a really a man space. And so, we have to differentiate that this was in the women's division.

Kon

the fact of where women's athletics has come into the mainstream, it's only been in the recent years, it's only been since a lot of the rulings that forced colleges and institutions to be able to look at women's scholarships on an even playing field as part of the equity efforts. That really allowed colleges or forced colleges, if you will, to look at women's athletics in a different way. That in itself allowed the rise of women's sports at a higher level. But going back into history, I mean, sports, athletics, even war from as an extension of that has always been the realm of, it's very male dominated. It's been a place of pageantry, if you will, for men to be able to showcase their prowess and their abilities and everything else. Whereas the pageantry for women has always been about appearance. It's all about our intellect about, you know, proper manners and everything else. That's traditionally the role models that we've worked off up until, you know, mid-20th century, when finally, women started feeling like they had a they demanded a place at the table. And they were starting to earn that right across the board. And it's been an uphill battle. I mean, I'm an advocate, I've been surrounded by strong women all my life. I'm married to one, I'm raising one I've had my siblings are strong women, my mother was, I mean, I've been surrounded by that, I've been operating in the sphere, where a lot of my professional career has been spent surrounded by very strong female role models. I operate on the people side of the business. So, it tends to have a lot more proportionally women in that space. So firsthand, I've seen and I have so much respect for the people that I work with, and it has nothing to do with their gender.

Marlana

Yeah. You know, and it's interesting that you brought up pageantry here, because a lot of my clients to compete in that space. And that's just another area of competition, right. And what I see with women, and I'm not picking on pageantry at all, because it's across the board with women in every area is that when a woman, we cheer for each other, right up until one of us wins. And then the minute she wins, the tide changes, because it's almost like, since she has taken the spot that means there's one less spot for me, where men look at it. Well I'll just take the 15 other spots. Do you see that in sports as well?

Kon

Very much. So, with certain areas, especially with individual sports, individual sports have a very different impact on the psyche and on well being versus Team sports. By their very nature, individual sports cultivate a sense of me against the world. So, it's not uncommon to have that

even when you're in within a team, let's say a cross country team, where or swimming team where you have, yes, a team, but they're competing individually and sometimes against each other within the same team. So, there's a pecking order, but it's the sense of scarcity of avail a Bull opportunities that drives that behavior. I think somehow between women, there's an element of that, where if there are only so many spots to go around, if you take one, that means that I don't have that chance. And then or if I have to compete for that chance, I have to tear you down in order to do it. And it's not uncommon. I mean, I work with, again, with young student athletes, and many of them are getting into that pre-pubescent and pubescent age, which is very difficult, regardless of which gender, you're, it's a difficult time of starting to realize who you are, and how you're transitioning in your life. But I've always found that when I have kids that are part of a team, a cohesive team, a truly high performing team, and that transition into puberty is much easier for them, they have a greater sense of self, they have a greater sense of confidence, self- esteem, their ability to relate to others, their social intelligence, which is much higher, the sense of collaboration is much higher, all of those skills that we build through team sports, find their place there and make that transition so much easier, because they have a tribe, they have people to fall back on, they don't feel so isolated. But again, with women, it's a very tricky thing that I've noticed, indeed, that if one successful, that means these fewer places around the table for us to sit. And that leads to bad behaviors. The Dark Side of collaboration, because women by their nature are collaborative creatures, they want to be able to partner with others, they don't have any problem with that. So, what ends up happening is they collaborate against this one person that stuck out. And now it's all of them against that one outlier, that one person that's trying to be exceptional.

Marlana

And now, let's just pull that into all the other areas that you work with, in business and things. Because that behavior then translates later on into business relationships too, because if there is one woman that succeeds as a CEO, or something like that, or gets promoted and accompany once again, there seems to be one less spot for the other women. And I think that's not something that we've made up in our head, either, because there are fewer spots that seem to be given to women.

Kon

I've researched, I've talked about it, and I've written about that concept of you know, that that leadership pipeline, that pyramid, we have to have a much broader base of female leaders, if we are to hope to have the number of leaders that will potentially can fill those senior positions, when less than 5% of the Fortune 500 companies have any sort of senior leadership from women, that's a very disproportionate thing, considering that women represent more than half of the population. So, you're talking about a very disproportionate representation there. And if the people that are making the decisions don't represent, like in any structure, the majority of the people that are under them, from that perspective that they are supposed to be representing

how can they voice that opinion, because their perspective is very skewed towards their own needs, their own desires, their own frameworks, their own perspectives, we need that participation at the most senior levels, but how do we get there, we need to broaden the base at the beginning. That's why I look at my, my work. And I and I value that as my mission. Because when I can help young women advocate for themselves, be able to grow up with a sense of confidence within their abilities in their not just in their physical abilities. But in their critical thinking and their ability to solve problems and their ability to work together and their ability to lead. They are much better positioned to do that, in their high school years, and their college years in their professional careers. To me, it goes well beyond the game.

Marlana

So, let me ask you for the people that don't have you in their lives, how do we start to do that for ourselves?

Kon

Well, start talking to your kids differently, start talking and showing them different examples, different role models. I mean, there's nothing wrong. I have a large part of my client base is supporting the construction industry. While the construction industry if you want to talk about a male dominated environment that has a very, very long history of how it is. And many people see it as a very rigid, monolithic kind of place. I can tell you in the last years and 10 plus years that I've been working in this industry right now supporting organizations, there have been significant efforts to diversify to bring in and attract women, minorities, a lot of different people into leadership roles and developing them into stepping into those roles. But you got it starts with talking to your kids differently. Stop emphasizing just the looks have the smarts or this emphasize the qualities that you would expect of a good leader. Treat your kids the way that you know that they can be. And they will rise to the occasion. I've chained all sorts of different levels of talent. I've worked with different teams Marlana. And I can tell you, I've treated all of my kids as champions before they won even their first medal. When you treat them like champions, they'll rise to the occasion they'll behave like champions. And I'm not talking about spoiled brats, I'm talking about champions with the expectations and ownership that goes with that.

Marlana

So, how So? Define that a little bit more for us? Because I am going to guess it is not a situation where everybody gets a trophy, kind of a mentality.

Kon

not at all. So not at all. No, because I want to make sure that that we celebrate our team victories, because that's where we are all pulling together without sacrificing individual excellence, I'm not about everybody gets a participation ribbon, I'm not about we're all the same, I treat my kids not the same, I treat them consistently. There's a big difference between that I give my kids consistently what they need to hear from me. And sometimes it's more direction, and sometimes

it's more support. But whatever it is, I consistently provide that with some of them, I need to leave them alone with some of them, I have to be in their business all the time. And some of them, it's somewhere in between. And that from a practical standpoint means as your kids master certain things, help them, empower them, to rise to that occasion, show them that you believe in them. And then make sure that you allow them to own it. All of the top performers that I've worked with, whether that's in sports or business, follow this very simple three step model. One is they own the results of their work, good, bad or indifferent. They own it, and especially the stuff that they didn't succeed with, they own it, they take full responsibility for that. They don't blame others, they say what could I have done differently, then they use that for step two, which is they learned from it. We don't deal with failures; we deal with learning opportunities. And that's what we do, we never fail, we just learn, it's a way for us to get to success. So, they use every opportunity, especially when they've missed something as a learning opportunity. And then the final step, and probably the most important is they let it go. Once you've taken what you need from an experience, you don't allow that to hamper or to impact the future. It's done, you let it go. If I carry around the weight of my mistakes, that's another 50-pound bag that I have to put on my shoulders to compete with. That's not very effective. I also don't want to ignore the lessons of the past. Because if I keep making the same mistakes, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice. So those are the things that we bring forward as we coach kids as much physically as we do mentally, because it is about a Champions mindset. As far as how they approach them. Successful people simply do the things that unsuccessful people don't want to do, because it's too hard.

Marlana

How do you think the fear of failure plays into these things?

Kon

It's a big part of that. And that's where the mental illness piece comes in where a lot of the stressors come into play. Let me give you two examples, one from a sports perspective and another comment from a professional perspective. But they are the same thread when your entire validation of who you are. Your identity is surrounded by performance and success. That's a problem. You have nothing else to lean on. You will do things that are unreasonable. It might drive excellence, but it will also just as often if not more lead to failure. So, if I view failure as a way that it says that I'm not worthy, that I have no value, it devalues me as a person, then that's a problem. I will look at failure as a horrific thing. It's devastating. It's worse than death. But if I view failure as a feedback mechanism to get to my success, that's all it is. Failure is not the opposite of success. It is a feedback mechanism on the way to success. So, it's very different with athletes. It's the same thing. Look at the cases that we've had now with athletes that are devastated, that agony of defeat that you see, because they've spent all this time working towards that one moment. And if you have nothing else to fall back on, it's devastating.

Marlana

And it's interesting because it is a moment. I know I spoke with a gentleman who competed in it rowing in the Olympics, and his

Fred Joyal

The Fred Joyal Company

Fred Joyal is an entrepreneur, speaker, business advisor, and #1 Amazon Bestselling author. He co-founded the most successful dentist referral service in the country, 1-800-DENTIST, which, in his 30 years as CEO, generated over $1 billion in revenue. Along with this achievement, he has also been awarded the Conrad Hilton Distinguished Entrepreneur Award by Loyola Marymount University. He has written two bestselling books for his industry, and also written and appeared in over 200 television and radio commercials.

Fred Joyal is an author, speaker, entrepreneur, and business advisor. He co-founded the most successful dentist referral service in the country, 1-800-DENTIST. He has previously written two books on marketing, has dabbled in standup and improv comedy, acted in bad movies and excellent TV commercials. His latest book, Superbold: from Under-confident to Charismatic in 90 days, is an Amazon and Wall Street Journal bestseller. He once beat Sir Richard Branson in chess and was also a question on Jeopardy. He is an avid cyclist, a below-average tennis player and an even worse golfer. He lives in Los Angeles.

https://fredjoyal.com/

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Marlana

Fred Joyal is an author, speaker, entrepreneur, business advisor and co-founder one 800 dentist. He's previously written two books on marketing dabbled in some stand up and improv comedy acted in bed movies and excellent TV commercials once beat Sir Richard Branson and chess and was a question on Jeopardy. He's an avid cyclist, a below average tennis player and an even worse golfer. But today, despite all of that material, we are actually going to talk about the subject of his latest book, which is Super Bold, From Under Confident Charismatic in 90 Days. Welcome, Fred.

Fred

Thank you very much, Marlana. I'm very excited to be here and talk to your audience.

Marlana

So, tell us first, what exactly does super bold mean?

Fred

Super Bowl means that it's bold. And I always have to remind people it's bold, not super ball, it's not a book about football. And, but when you are super bold, you can bring your full confidence into action in every situation, especially when it really matters, when it's critical, when it's important, when it's pivotal in your life. And that takes building your boldness muscle that nobody's born with this, some people are bolder, a little bit by nature and a little bit by nurture, and most of us are confident in some situations and hesitant and shy in other situations very often when they're really important. So, the goal is to develop this ability to summon your boldness in every situation. And so, that's what I teach in the book because that's what I had to teach myself.

Marlana

So, let me ask you this for somebody who would not consider herself to be a bold person, is that something that all of us can learn? Because what if we feel we just don't have it in us?

Fred

Well, as long as you can speak or sign even, you have it in you, it is not a genetic thing to be shy or introverted. It is mostly some level of socialization and programming and imprinting from parents and things like that. And, of course, the majority of it is the stuff we tell ourselves that we are not worthy of and that we are not good at. And we have an enormous list of what we're not good at, I can't dance, I can't sing, I'm not good at math. I don't like public speaking. I can't sell all of these things. None of these things is anything but truths that we have made true by telling ourselves these things. And so, I started off as an incredibly shy person, I couldn't ask your girl on a date, I couldn't ask a girl to dance. And this is how old I am as people asked each other to dance. But , and even in work situations, I couldn't, somebody tried to give me a job as a salesman, I was working in their business, tried to give me a job in the sales department and said, here's a phone, here's a desk, start calling all these people and see if they want to do business with, I couldn't dial the phone one time. And so, I was like, back to the machine shop floor. That's where I ended up. And I'm really frustrated. Because I said, why are people like this? Why are bold people because I see them in action? I see them doing stuff. Why are they like this? Why doesn't rejection affect them? Why? Why are they not stopping themselves, I'm stopping myself everywhere? And so, I just started to emulate them, even though it was really

uncomfortable to do it. And what I did is I gradually built this positive feedback loop by being bold, acting confident when I wasn't, and not letting my fear stop me. And it just increased the number of situations that I was comfortable in. And it just got better and better and better and better. It took decades. And so, I decided how do I learn? How did I change myself? Because it didn't change my personality. It allowed me to bring my full self out in every situation where I wanted to. And so, I looked at how I did it and I brought it into a system and away that somebody can really compress the process and have the skill to apply it to get their bowl this muscle stronger and stronger and stronger for the rest of their life, I'm getting bolder all the time still. But when I start to hesitate, I know what to do, not to listen to the voice in my head. And I know how, step by step to instantly act. It's like a process of like, do this, this and this, and then just step up and speak up and act. So, it's anybody can learn it, you can learn.

Marlana

So, then, talk to us a little bit about what that process looks like.

Fred

So, what I've created in the book is a method called the PRIDE method. And it's an acronym, but I also like the word because I tell people, why wouldn't you want to live a life that you were proud of, instead of a life of regret, of missed opportunities and hesitation, and things gnawing at you because you wish you try them or said them. And this is the number one thing people say, on there, on their last days or on their deathbed. It's not the things they don't regret anything they did. They all always regret the things they didn't do, the things they didn't say, I didn't tell my wife, I loved her enough, I didn't heal my relationship with my sister, instead, let it just drift away for 20 years. Those are the things they regret I should have quit that job earlier, I should have, started that business, whatever, this is what they do. So, I want people to live a fulfilling satisfying life. That's what the book is about chase your dreams, as best you can with confidence and boldness. So, the pride method, there's a long intro to that, obviously. But the pride method is the acronym is preparation, relaxing, insight, dosage, and everyday action.

I'll break each one of them down is do the first step, preparation. We don't think we have to prepare for social situations, which is really bizarre. We don't, and so good. The beginning of my book, a good portion of the beginning of my book is social skills, communication skills, how to talk to somebody, how what things mistakes people make when they're meeting somebody or introducing themselves to somebody or presenting themselves doing all of those things that they feel are socially challenging because they're doing stuff wrong because nobody taught them. I mean, people aren't taught how to shake hands or make eye contact. Or ask open-ended questions and off and be interested in people. So that first step is, and I'll use an example of you, you want to talk to some a stranger. And this could be in the Starbucks line, because all you're trying to do is build your boldest muscle, right? So, you're going to do an exercise and you say, hi, I'm going to talk to this person in front of me in the line. So, what are your first thing you're going to do is prepare yourself, you're going to prepare what your gonna say. And the easiest thing is to say, a compliment. Very few people are offended by compliments. We all think we have to be so witty and clever and interesting. But we don't have to be any of those things. We just have to be nice and interested in people. So, you just say wow, that beard looks terrific on you or that suit looks great or that handbag just go so well with your whole outfit. You've prepared that and

just say it and then you the other preparation is to not have an outcome in mind. Not have some sort of agenda, some hidden agenda.

I want to tell you this story because it happened to me last week, as I was getting in my elevator, and there was a mom and her young daughter, she was maybe four and she had her bike and her helmet on, and our helmet had all this funny dinosaur design on it. And so, I said I really liked your helmet. She says, oh yes, it matches my bike. I said, do you want to push my floor? And because kids love to push the elevator buttons. So, she said yes. I said it's number four. And so, she says, Oh, you're only one floor away from us. We can come up and visit. And I thought when did that that was, so it was so sweet. And when did that change when did we stop being like that? But what was what worked for her? Why it was so appealing is there was no hidden agenda. There was no, if I was doing that with an attractive woman in the elevator and I said, hey, we're only one floor apart, I can come up and visit sometime. She would. Yeah, right, get me out of this elevator. So, because there would have been a perceived agenda to it. So, when you do this, the part of your preparation is just, it's I'm just going to be generous with the compliment. That's all. That's all I'm trying to do.

The next thing you're going to do the R in pride is relax, you're going to relax yourself. Now, nobody teaches you how to do that. Either. They say just relax, like and you say, if I could do that I would. Not to mention, now you're telling me I looked nervous, which makes me more nervous. I was already nervous. But now I know it shows. So, there are very simple things you can do to relax yourself. The first thing, check your physiology. Because we tense up, we slow we hold our breath sometimes even. And so, the idea is you are your arms crossed, what are you doing? Physically notice it, and release it, shake it off. And then breathe, just take two or three deep breaths, I'll do this, if I'm going on stage with a big audience, 1000 5000 people, I'm backstage and I want to bring full energy, no anxiety. So, I take three really deep breaths before I go on stage. And it relaxes you it works on your nervous system. And there's actually more techniques I teach in the book. But they work. And it's the same process of when somebody notices you're nervous, it makes you more nervous. When you start to relax yourself. You say to yourself, oh, I am I'm in control, I can actually it makes you more relaxed. You say like, I'm dialing it back and it's working. And then you that now it's energy to tap into. And so, you're relaxed.

Now the next insight is what bowled people, there's several insights that I talked about in the book, but they are social insights. This one is people are not thinking about you anywhere near as much as you think they are. They're thinking about themselves, they may, and the other thing is they are having a judgment about you just like you are having about them based on practically nothing. Right? They don't actually know you. So, they're judging you by your height, your weight, your hairstyle, you're clothing. I have found I'm wrong about 90% of the time where I when I start like and so bold people don't worry about what other people think of them, they say this thing, which is really fascinating. These other people's opinion of me is none of my business, which is an amazing transition. In your mindset. There's a small group of people whose opinions really matter to them. And the rest of them they don't worry about it's what people tell me, oh, everybody's gonna laugh at me, really everybody, and them all and they know you. And that makes you, something that somebody who should feel insignificant or weird or humiliated. Who are these people? Why it's interesting.

Marlana

It's interesting. Let me just interject this because I heard once somebody say, if you have a problem with me, then call me if you don't have my number, then you don't know me well enough to have a problem. And it's that kind of a thing. Because, like you said, you so many people that we worry about, why are we worrying?

Fred

And that's what I mean. It's a real insight, like an epiphany, like, what, why am I is and so you ask yourself, when like, it's that very specific line, they're all gonna laugh at you. Ask yourself, could that possibly be true? They're going to be 10 reactions to you most likely, or if there's 100 People could be 100 reactions. When I'm on stage. There's going to be people who think I'm brilliant is going to people think I'm funny. People who think I have valuable insights. People who think I've heard all this before, and people think I'm an idiot. So, I don't worry about the people who think I'm an idiot. I can't get everybody. Just like a standup comic. He's not going to make everybody laugh. She's not going to have the whole audience with her. She's, she's aiming for the majority, and is not worried about and it's not even more if a joke doesn't work. She doesn't have to kill herself. She just goes to the next joke. It's a very powerful thing. It's like I don't have to own the joke. I don't have to own what happens, what I did. And I like to get this across to us that being embarrassed is a choice. First of all, dying of embarrassment is not a reality, is not a medical reality. So, it's, it's an interpretation of the events and deciding how to feel about something. And as a woman, you'll appreciate this story, because a friend of mine is a terrific speaker.

She was on stage, big audience. And she breaks her heel. Now, yes, that's horrifying to do, which he's got another 90 minutes to do. And of all the women in the audience are like this, oh, my God, I pray that would never happen to me, I because they've all broken heel somewhere, somehow. So instead of running off the stage, or just panicking, or whatever, she's she looks down, kicks her shoes off and says, I guess I gotta start spending more than 30 bucks on shoes. That, first of all the audience, because they were so nervous for now, they burst out laughing. And she owns them at that point, because she's just, she's rolled with it. She's decided not to interpret it as bad. She decided to make it fun.

Marlana

So, in a situation like that, let me ask you is, is it beneficial for our psyche? To get people to laugh with us? Then add us?

Fred

There's nothing wrong with having people laugh at you. Because in a way, if you're trying to make them laugh, and they're laughing at you, it's just funny. There's nothing wrong with being laughed at, if there's a cruelty to it. I mean, I think the lowest life form in the world is a bully. Yeah, and, and all of bullying comes from gross inadequacy. And so, that's another insight you can have too, as a young person, as if we're teaching a young person about bullies, I'd say, why he does that, because he feels so insignificant, that he's got to make you less than him. And so, feel sorry for him. By the way, and here's how you punch it back in the notes. There's a little sidebar on self-defense. But that's somebody is somebody being cruel, I get no tolerance for cruelty. And people are, online, they really enjoy being cruel and stuff like that. And its low life behavior, and you're gonna learn to regret it. And that's what I

actually tell people, also younger people are that one of the things you're gonna regret most in life is the times you were cruel. And so be careful.

Marlana

Any quick tips for when we are online, let's say because it's very easy for people to sit on the other side of a screen anonymously and spout out all the things that we would be insecure about? Is there a way to flip the script in our minds so we can continue to be bold and still put ourselves out there? Or is that just kind of all part of this?

Fred

Step one is don't engage because one, you're not going to convince them to think differently, ignorant people like being ignorant, right? there's a comfort to it, because they don't have to let any new information and they like to, the reason they have to hold their position so strongly is they're so insecure about it. It's why, I won't get it, I won't go in that direction. I was gonna go in the whole direction of religion, which is a giant sidebar. But all you can do is do like this woman, did they say something really mean or sarcastic? Or,

insulting? You just, I just put like, a Laugh Emoji up. Like, yeah, that's funny. That's funny that you would think I don't, I'm not gonna say that. It's amazing that you think that it's or I'm fascinated that that's how you process information, or whatever, I'm just gonna laugh. Yeah. And I will not engage because that's what they're hoping for. And, and when you rise above that, it's the, when you take the high road and say, Yeah, I'll let other people call you an idiot, which is what some people will do. They'll just get right on and say, buddy, you're so off. And I pity you because this is how you need to express yourself; And so, I think the real trick online is to not engage, let other people speak up for you. But don't give them the satisfaction that you even read it. If it's really bad, just leave it there. Just let them embarrass themselves. Yeah.

Marlana

Okay, continue on.

Fred

I'm sorry, I didn't know, I think it's really important to understand because so much of it goes on. If you have any influence in the world out there, if you have, if you are moving up in the world, in terms of your reputation and recognition, it's coming at you. So, you, you have to find a way one to not take it on and just feel bad for the person that that's how they need to that cowardly way that they need to express themselves. There's no reason to say anything. And there are times when some people will write something directly to me. The other really important thing is, don't answer that day. Do not answer immediately put a gap in between put time and space between your reaction so that you can, because the question is, what do you want the outcome to be by your, by your response? It's very seldom what it would be by your reaction. Very true, yeah, the wisdom in life is to put that pause in between stimulus and response between reaction and response. it is where all your growth can occur, where communication can actually happen. I do that with emails where people really like to frustrate me, and I say, Yeah, what that email, the My response is not going out. And the next day, I have a measured response, calculated for what I want the outcome to be. So that there's that too. So, the insights and these are all insights in terms of how to communicate effectively. But the other insight that is important

is what bold people know is that 99% of the time, nothing bad happens, unless you decide to label it that way, like breaking your heel. One of the...

Shavannah Speaks Moore

Shavannah Speaks Moore is a portrait of resilience and grace. The entrepreneur, speaker, life coach and corporate master trainer's goal is to empower women & Leaders to become ALL that they desire. As a woman who has experienced many hardships in life including but not limited to poverty, molestation & depression, Shavannah has not allowed these obstacles to hold her back. Instead, she has used them as catalysts to push herself forward.

She has broken boundaries & challenged the status quo of what society deemed possible. This stellar media mogul will soon be gracing our television screens with her new show, Limitless Living with Shavannah Speaks Moore on CBS, which teaches viewers how to overcome obstacles and live their dreams by letting their voice be heard!

https://linktr.ee/Shavannahspeaks

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Transcription : Vision In Word

Marlana

Shavannah Speaks Moore is a portrait of resilience and grace. As an entrepreneur, speaker, life coach and corporate master trainer. Her goal is to empower women and leaders to become all that they desire. She is broken boundaries, challenge the status quo and will soon be gracing our television screens with her new show Limitless Living with Shannah-speaks-moore on CBS welcome Shavannah.

Shavannah

Hello, thank you so much for having me.

Marlana

So, I know people look at you and where you are at this stage in the game. And think it must have been easy. You know, there have been no obstacles that you've overcome. But I know that you certainly have. talk to us a little bit about what it took to get to where you are.

Shavannah

Oh, boy, where do I even start with that? So, you're right. a lot of the times, you know, on this journey that we travel, a lot of people see your success, and they have no idea what the story is behind that success. So, for me, I guess without going too much into my backstory, I grew up in a little small country town out here in North Carolina, I grew up with my grandmother, I stayed there until I was about 13 years old. And then I came where I am today in North Carolina to live with my mother. So, throughout my childhood, there was a lot of things that I encountered DOM that children should not have encountered. Absolutely no faults, my grandmother, of course, but just things that we encountered growing up as children, you know, such as molestation and living in poverty and things that I really had no idea that was happening at this time, because we made the best of what we had, right? Because I didn't know any better at the time. So, I transitioned, I came here to live with my mother. And it was almost like, that was a turning point for me, because I feel like that's kind of where my life took a turn for the worse, for better lack of words, where I kind of started getting access to the street life, and you know, alcohol and sex, and just all the things that I feel that as teenagers a lot of us experience, but I experienced a lot younger. So, I feel like I grew up quick if that makes sense. So basically, you know, I traveled that journey, my life took a turn for the worst. And at that point, it was like I was either going to end up somewhere good or locked up, or, you know, it would have been a bad journey. For me, I'll say that. So ended up getting into corporate, I got a background in mortgages. So, I started traveling down the corporate journey and things started to really unfold for me.Then I started to see things from a different light, I started to see possibility, I started to really see another side of life that I had never had access to before. So, once I started doing my corporate journey I got into mortgages, I would like to raise the ladder really quick in the mortgage industry. And then back in 2013 is where my journey really started. Because that's when I was laid off from my corporate job at Wells Fargo, I jumped into entrepreneurship headfirst, again, had no idea what that looked like. For me, that was not something that we discussed at the dinner table growing up. So, I didn't know what this other side looked like. I just knew I had to figure something out. Right? So, I jumped in headfirst get into entrepreneurship, struggle really bad at first. But then something happened in my career just took off. And then it was like the next year, we were on the up and up. So, we started traveling the world, people started asking me to share my story, because it just didn't make sense for this little girl from this little country town that had all these things going on to be where she was. So, then I started writing books and people wanted to hear more about how did you do this? All right, so that's kind of where the journey began for me. And then, right after that, I ended up getting pregnant with my son. And I hit a severe, harsh stop, like I got really depressed and started having suicidal thoughts. And it was at that moment that my personal development journey really began. And this is what led me down the path of where I am today.

Marlana

So, I hear in there kind of a lot of different catalysts. But let's go all the way back for a second. And how did you use the things that happened to you when you were young? To fuel you as opposed to stop you?

Shavannah

Wow! that's a really good question. So, I think for me, I feel like I've always had that drive at the time to prove something right. Because at the time, it was a matter of, well, you know, someone doesn't want to help me or you're not going to if I ask someone for help about around something or you know, at this time if I needed money Do whatever. And people didn't want to help me, I felt like I was getting a lot of rejection. So that fueled me to say, okay, you know what, you don't want to help me, it's okay, I'm gonna figure it out anyway. So that's kind of where it started. And honestly, it's one of those things where I always tell and especially now, when I work with my clients, I always tell them, when I started my journey, it was filled from problems, it was filled from challenges, it was being filled from a place of not such a positive place. But now, looking at the things that fill me, I'm being filled more from a place of empowerment versus a problem. So, at the time, it was a problem that was kind of driving me to say, you know, what, okay, well, I'm in this hardship, so I'm not gonna stay here, I'm gonna prove that I can make this happen. And for me, I felt like that was the wrong intention. I didn't know that obviously, back then I just knew I have to make something happen, right? I have to figure this out. And I figured it out. So now looking back on that experience, I'm being fueled more from my passion than I am my, you know, being feel more from like, the problematic standpoint, then, you know, like, okay, now I know, I can empower the world, how can I step into that and lean more into that, and, and allow that to fuel me versus, I feel like I must struggle before I felt like I had to struggle to get here. That's the whole mindset thing. I know, we probably don't have a lot of time to get into that. But I was just driven to do more because I had to prove a point. That's kind of what led me to get to that point of just even traveling spiritual journey universities.

Marlana

So, do you think that your upbringing, in your experience, you mentioned, it was a lot of street mentality? Do you think that actually made you braver and more up to take risks? Or do you think that didn't really play one way or the other?

Shavannah

Yeah, most definitely, it definitely did. And one thing that I can take away from that is just in, it's almost like in that environment, we have to find a way you had to figure things out. So, I think just having that grit of resilience, so to speak, that kind of carry Oh, that's one thing. I'm glad that I was able to carry to entrepreneurship, because a lot of entrepreneurs get into this journey. And they think, oh, I hit one hardship, and I'm just gonna give up. I didn't have that me. I never had a spirit of giving up in me, because I had to figure it out from a young age. And then when I started having children, it was one of those things where I was struggling so bad. I was like, oh, my gosh, how are my children gonna eat, I have to like, have a yard sale, I have to figure this thing out. So, I had that determination. And that resilience in me from that, I guess, that space that I was in. So that's just something that really carried me through when it came to entrepreneurship. So now, instead of it being from a negative standpoint, it's like, okay, now I have that on a positive standpoint. So now I can utilize that same drive, that same resilience, that same courage and that same boldness to really show up in this space, more powerfully and more energetic than I would have ever thought I could be or do and in various ways.

Marlana

So, do you think all of that is something that if it's not inherent within us that we can learn it?

Shavannah

I absolutely believe that because the thing is, the beautiful thing about this spiritual experience that we're all traveling is, we can always unlearn things, just like we can learn new things, right? There's no limitation to where our mind can go. There's no limitation to who we can actually be in this human experience that we all have the beauty pleasure of traveling right now at this time. So absolutely. Even if you were someone that had everything handed to you, or maybe you were someone that didn't really struggle as well, or you never been through poverty or even know what the street life is, like, you absolutely can learn how to step into the more empowered version of yourself and embody that and allow this carry through this journey.

Marlana

How much do the people that we surround ourselves with have to do with our success?

Shavannah

Oh my gosh! 100% like you, you are your relationships, like seriously, because you have to think about everything is energy. Like that's one thing that I'm very adamant about in this universal time that we're in right now, every single thing is energy. So, if you are around people that are complaining all the time, that you know, have a really mediocre mindset that just don't really want to do anything with their life. They say that you are like the five people that you surround yourself around, right? And I truly have found that to be so true because even on this journey, there are people that I had to let go, you know, and it wasn't in a way like oh, I can't talk to you anymore. I don't love you anymore. It almost worked itself out because I started elevating at such a high level and a high frequency that it kind of removed it. So, they removed themselves because we just weren't a vibrational match any longer. So, I absolutely believe that 100% of the relationships that you're around definitely affects or enhances where you are in your journey, or where you can go with your journey.

Marlana

Do you believe that it's a, if you can dream it, you can be it? Kind of as let me say, or do you believe that? You know, I can make anything happen? I don't necessarily tell you believe it's as if I can dream, and I can bet.

Shavannah

I absolutely believe that. And you know, what's interesting about that is, I want to say this for everyone that's reading today. Anything that we can imagine we absolutely can be, we can absolutely do. However, where the disconnect happens is a lot of people think oh, if I just visualize, you know, making a million dollars, it's gonna just fall in my lap, there are still things that you have to do in order to make those things happen. And so, the way that I see it is okay, if I have this big vision, I know that I didn't get that download for, again, just come out of nowhere. So obviously, there's a desire that I have somewhere in my heart somewhere in this energetic space that I live in, I have that desire. Now I have to sit with myself and say, Okay, what's next for me? Like, who do I have to become to make that dream come true. And that's really what it all boils down to, you don't just have the dream, and then imagine something, and it's just gonna fall in your lap. That's totally not the way it goes. But once you have that desire, you have that dream, you have to become that version of the person that can manifest that.

Marlana

So, do you think that we need to become that person first? Or do you think that we become that person as the dream becomes a reality?

Shavannah

What I mean by that is, like, let's just say that, for example, where I am today is where I imagined myself to be eight years ago. And I'm a stickler for journaling, and just I'm assuming he's visionary. So, all of the things that I'm doing now, I saw this eight years ago, and I started to embody that version of Shavannah, then meaning, for example, my bank account was like negative $400.08, eight plus years ago. So, when I would journal, I will journal as if I was already that version of Shavannah. So, I would say things like, oh, my gosh, I'm so happy and grateful to be living in, you know, this beautiful home, meeting with my clients daily, having most of those and margaritas and just, you know, having sushi dates with the girls, you know, while everybody is at work, so I already was embodying that energy before I became this person. And even though realistically, in my life at the time, from what my human brain could say, or think I was negative in my bank account, and it just didn't make sense to me, I will begin to surround myself around people that were at that level. So, I will put myself in spaces that will make me very uncomfortable. But what that will do for me was, it will allow me to embody the energy of what that would feel like to be a six-figure earner to have a very successful business to do be on national TV. So, I would just intentionally surround myself around that type of energy so that I could embody that. And what happens is, the more that you can embody that version of yourself, the more it will become your reality, unintentionally. So instead of you trying to work hard towards it, you just become that version of yourself. So, I would ask myself, okay, how it sticks vigor, Shavannah, how will the six-figure version of Shavannah show up today, she's not showing up in sweatpants with a hair all over the place. That's the current version of who I was, how would the six-figure version of myself show up, she would show up dressed up, she would have her makeup on, she would have her nice suit on, she's eating at, you know, fancy restaurants. And it's so interesting, because even when I tell my clients or share these stories and things for my clients, I talked to them about the times where when I had a negative bank account, but I will be eating at the instead, or I will go to like the fanciest restaurant and I will get a salad, I will have my laptop, knowing that I couldn't afford it. But it was just something about immersing myself in that energy that made it real for me. So, the more that I could do that, the more that it was becoming my reality. And I didn't even realize it was becoming my reality because I had become that person so much and immerse myself in that even though my reality, totally different from what I was manifesting. It manifested quicker if that makes sense. So, it took me up. It took out the effort of, oh my gosh, I have to go work 80 hours a week and I'm like, No, I'm not available for that. So

Marlana

One thing that I I'm curious about, because I think a lot of people would think that in this journey if they have negative $400, in their bank account, they're doing all of these things to try and manifest it, that imposter syndrome would show up. Did that ever show up for you?

Shavannah

Absolutely. Most definitely. I guess for me, it was very interesting. Because even though there was a sense of So for the record, at this point in my career, I no longer subscribe to the belief of the imposter syndrome. I'm just not available for it. Because I have such an awareness now of the fact that I create my reality. However, eight years ago, this was like a foreign language to me. But at that time, absolutely, because you have to think about this. Like, with me and my background, the way that I grew up, this wasn't something that we talked about it was almost like another world for me. So anytime, I would see, and I think what really shifted the game for me is when I read the book, and the movie, The Secret. Once I was aware that there was another way I was like, hmm, I'm curious about debt, right? Let me just try this and see what happens. So that's kind of the space that I was in. So even though my bank account was negative 400, I knew Okay, let me just visualize this. That's why I started doing vision boards, and really, you know, putting myself in that environment and implementing these habits and changing my habits daily. And what would happen is I will hit a block, because reality would kick in and say, well, Shavannah, this is not even how you grew up, you know, you can't you making six figures? What does that look like? Like, you're not even worthy of doing that. So, when those thoughts come up, what saved me was the fact that I had people around me that I had to intentionally surround myself around that will help me elevate my frequency, because you can't go through this journey alone. Like, obviously, if you're in a space where you have doubt, you feel like you're unworthy, you feel as though this isn't possible. For me, I see everyone doing it, but it's just not possible for me. And you're just in that space by yourself, you're gonna stay in that space. So, it was so important. And that's why I'm so glad you asked that question earlier about people who are around me. So, it was important for me to surround myself around people that were at a higher level that thought at a higher level that operated at a higher level than myself. So, when I was in that fight, and I knew, like, oh, my gosh, I see this vision, I know that it can happen, but I don't believe that I'm worthy, then I can go around someone that's like, hey, you know, we're gonna go to Paris this week for four days, and then the other week, and it just didn't make sense. But that allowed me to say, man, if it's...

Claire Harvey

Claire Harvey Photography / You, Your Brand

Claire Harvey is a mother of three, lover of nature, adventure and food.

For over 20 years Claire has been involved in both the photography and financial worlds.

Claire's initial thrilling photographic endeavor was as an intern at the Christian Science Monitor, photographing President Clinton and other White House events. She had her work published in the international publication.

Over the past 15 years, Claire has worked for two prominate public financial companies, advising executives on how to communicate with investors. For 5 years she worked for CapitalSource, during both flourishing years and the downturn of 2008. She later moved on to oversee the IPO of Walker & Dunlop and stayed on board playing an instrumental role in the stock's 5-year movement from IPO price of $10 to over $50.

Claire brings together her fascination with entrepreneurial endeavors and her love of, passion for, and talent in photography to create meaningful work for her entrepreneurial clients. This unique blend of business knowledge and artistry makes Claire stand out, not just as a photographer, but as a business and brand resource.

www.claireharvey.com

https://www.instagram.com/claireharveyphoto/

www.marlanasemenza.com

Transcription : Vision In Word

Marlana

Today I had the pleasure of sharing the space with my dear friend and colleague, Claire Harvey began as an intern at the Christian Science Monitor photographing President Clinton and other White House events. She brings together her fascination with entrepreneurial endeavors and her love of passion for and talent in photography to create meaningful work for her entrepreneurial clients. This unique blend of business knowledge and artistry makes Claire stand out not just as a photographer, but as a business and brand resource. Welcome, Claire.

Claire

Thank you, my dear friend, this is so fun. I feel like we were talking about doing it for so long.

Marlana

And now it's true. I'll give everybody a little bit of background here. Claire and I are both personal brand photographers, we have worked together, we have traded clients off and on when one was a better fit for the other. So, we have a history. And we have been talking for a while about giving everybody more information about personal brand photography so you can make better choices when it comes to the photographer's you select and the images that you're getting, all those types of things. So, let's just start off Claire by telling people, what should they be looking for, in your opinion, when they are looking for a brand photographer,

Claire

I think the biggest thing that you and I talk about all the time, and one of the reasons we've been really able to give clients back and forth to each other is each photographer has a niche and like their own niche, their own style that works for them. And I think a lot of it goes to the photographer's personality in a way. And so, you really want to be able to click with the photographer themselves and then also fit into their niche. I mean, just to give you and I as an example, I think that's like the best example to use is that you're more towards like the fashion forward fashion driven people and women and I more like put my hiking boots on and go into the woowoo space. And we joke about it all the time. But it's a really good way of framing the discussion that people have different clienteles. And so, when you're looking for a photographer, you really need to find someone that has experienced kind of in your space or that you're comfortable with their style. And I think that you look at them kind of aspiration, you look at them, and you feel something from their images, and you want to have images like you're seeing you feel like it's a fit, but I don't think it should go. Like unnoticed, I think it's especially important that you clicked with them personally. Because when you're in a photoshoot, you need to feel comfortable. And that's when you're gonna have your best images. And I do hear over and over again, I'm sure you do too, that someone will have their pictures taken and they don't like the result or they're not comfortable. And it's just so important that you're comfortable with the person, it's a very intimate relationship, and you need to be comfortable, you're gonna like the outcome if you're comfortable. So, finding someone that

really is in your niche, and that you click with is so important. And if that takes me, that takes a few people, right? You could interview a few different people.

Marlana

Absolutely! Because photography is not a one size fits all. And like you said there are different people and with different styles that serve different niches. And because we have to really get to know you and your brand and what makes you unique and all those. Like you mentioned, Claire, it does become a very intimate relationship. And you really need to click with the person that is going to be sharing that space with you.

Claire

And we want it to be an intimate relationship. We want this to be a partnership that lasts for a long time, we don't see it, especially you and I and people shouldn't be looking for a brand photographer that want it to be a deep meaningful relationship that lasts for a long time, you should be looking for that and you and I really, really value that and so we really want to get to know our clients and our people and oftentimes you and I will become good friends of them. Value it um, and there was something else I was gonna say now I totally forgot about finding someone. Oh! I just want to say another space, I think that's important to really think about or look at is, like, Corp, more corporate business photography. I think it's important, Like I know for me, My style is more artsy, and not as like staged or posed or corporate. And so, I think if someone's looking at something from a corporate standpoint, that's a certain type of photographer as well. So, I just wanted to get that, right?

Marlana

Which is important, because the style that you see on someone's website, that's the style you're going to get. And also, while we're on the subject of websites, if you go to somebody's website, and they are a personal brand photographer, and all you're seeing our headshots, or versions of headshots, my suggestion is to move along, because that's not what brand photography is, you know, I use the analogy often that, you know, a headshot is like a book title, it gives us an introduction, but that's all that it does. But the reason that we buy the book is always for the story. And that's what personal brand photography is, it's the story that we tell. So, make sure when you go on to somebody's website, that is what you're seeing, you're seeing storytelling.

Claire

Totally agree. And not everybody does that, not everybody necessarily wants that, right. Like some people may just need that corporate headshot. But if you are in it for telling your story and having deep meaningful images that are unique, and scroll, stopping, and will make you stand out from the crowd, you need to find someone that is showing that because you can't expect someone to give you something you want, if they're not showing you to you originally.

Marlana

And that's really a specialized skill that you and I know have both developed over time, because of our backgrounds, it wasn't a foreign concept to us. But it's something that I think we have honed and gotten better and better with over time.

Claire

It's so true. And I think with experience, you really understand how to develop the stories more and we work with our clients for hours and you know, we meet with them and have zoom calls with them and do creative briefs and intake forms. It's not just "Hi, show up". And here you are, and I take your pictures, it's a lot of preparation to come up with figuring out who they are and where their business is now and where their business is going in order then to create the imagery for now into the future to take them into the future. And it's really a cool process, because you're like, you're learning so much about people and business and how they work, their vision and their creative genius.

Marlana

And their quirks too.

Claire

Yes, it's such a cool collaborative experience. When I got into this, I'd already been doing kind of lifestyle storytelling images of families. And that was my style with families. And so, when you and I met, and we were kind of introduced to this style of photography, which is basically like five years ago, now five and a half years ago, we did already have that in us. It was just this was brought to light and you're like, oh, I mean, I just remember a light bulb going off. We were like, this is what I meant to do. Like, I get to work with entrepreneurs, which has been my dream and I love being an entrepreneur. And then I get to bring together the photography aspect of it. And so, working with entrepreneurs to really figure out their entrepreneurial journey and story and then to bring the imagery into it. It really is the coolest process.

Marlana

And because you know we keep using that word (story). Let's dive into that a little bit. How would you describe a story? I'm gonna help you out a little bit.

Claire

Where do I go? The true definition, I'm thinking in my head, I don't know. You go ahead.

Marlana

It is a journey that you are taking people. Okay. That's why we work together so well. I know. You know if you've ever read any of the books like story brand by Donald Miller or any of those

types of things. Storytelling is one of the most powerful things there. Is inviting people on into your brand, and so, that's what we are trying to do, is tell your unique story in a way that it relates to the people you are trying to reach. So, how do you get to the heart of the stories that you need to tell?

Claire

What does your process look like? So, when someone initially contacts me, I think we kind of have a brief conversation about what they want, what they need. And then I have a very in depth questionnaire that's standard for all my clients. But what I tell them is that I want a complete brain dump. So, I don't want like perfect sentences and answers, I want them just to like spew information in these questions that shows me their personality. And then it gives me a ton of information about who they are trying to reach as clients, who they're currently reaching, where they are in their marketing strategy, where they are in the life of their business, and gives me like a complete holistic view of them. And then I get to pick out or I am able to pick out really good nuggets of information from that. And from there, I kind of come up with a creative brief and plan based on that. And then we go through that together. And I say, is this what you're thinking? Is this accurate? And I would say 100% of the time, it is what they had been thinking. But I think really the point there is the communication. And I will say some people in our initial conversation aren't sure they don't know. And so, and I'm sure you said, I wonder if you see this too, like going through the questionnaire actually gives them a lot, it really helps inform them. And again, we're not brand professionals, we are not doing the website and doing the copy and logos and everything that a brand professional does. But going through the process of answering these questions in order to figure out which imagery to create, it is very helpful to these entrepreneurs in their brand journey.

Marlana

I know for me, I tell people all the time that I am not a brand strategist, so I'm not going to help you with your messaging, or those kinds of that, how to monetize your brand, any of those kinds of things. My job is to communicate your brand. And just like you I have a questionnaire that they fill out initially, and then we discuss it. I don't know if you find this, I usually find that the real answer is never really what they wrote.

Claire

Yeah., I think that is why it's important to have the follow up discussions after, because there could be real aha moments for them, when you ask them a follow up question of Is this what you meant? Or am I reading this correctly? Or, oh! You said x? Where do you see x in two years? Or, you know, so those follow up questions also is really what gets them thinking and then could be like, a total aha moment for them.

Marlana

Agreed. So now, let's say, you know, we go out, you and I both are location shooters. I know, for me, the idea of working in a studio is too confining. I think it's too restrictive. I would rather find the right spot, because that's also part of the story. You and I also that's what our background is, it is shooting in that manner anyway. But now we go out, we take their images, what should they be getting from us? Or any brand photographer as far as deliverables go?

Claire

That's so interesting, because wait for you at that I was thinking about how, in my process when I'm getting to answer your question in a short wait. So, I in the creative brief, I will put kind of sample images that fit with the story and what we want to do, the location and so forth. And I will look on Pinterest, and I'll google image and you know, looking for, and a lot of times, most times I have to say to people, well, you know, don't take these kidneys for surface value, because there's really not anything out there that I can find. That's what we're creating for you. And I'm not just saying that it's true, like when I go searching for blank. I'm like, is this all exist? So, like, what you should be getting from us though, is something that's complete The unique and to you and your store. So that's first and foremost, it should.

Marlana

let me just throw one thing in with that is going back to somebody's website, if you go on there, and the quote unquote, storytelling that you are seeing seems to be the same. It's people working on a computer, it's people having coffee, it's people talking on the phone, in my personal opinion, that does, I would rather see images of you doing those things than you use stock images, however, or everybody does those things. So that is not saying anything unique about you.

Claire

that's one of those things that when you really work with someone, prior to the shoot to prepare, that's where you pull that stuff out. Because yeah, it may be like, you know, as a photographer, or with your camera with your computer, this and now you're an entrepreneur, but then there's so much else behind it, like you may be an online entrepreneur, but who are you? Like, who are you? What is behind that? Who is your family? How do they play into things? What are your interests, what got you here, and where are you going? It's not just the computer, it's not just the internet. A really good point. And I think also, there's something else that you and I talk about all the time, and that runs throughout my, whatever kind of images I'm creating. That's the motion. And that goes along with storytelling. Because when you're telling a story, what really bring someone in is the emotion and the feeling that they get from looking at the image. So, you need to have images that are not stagnant and not lifeless, you need to have images that when someone sees it, they're like, oh, they get you, they get your story, they get your brand. And it's while it's unique to you, it is also full of authentic emotion, that is, your, your emotion, your brand and your values. It's communicating all of that. So that is key to me, whether I'm taking pictures of a newborn in their new home with their new family that just

brought them home, or an entrepreneur on site, like we've talked about, it's the movement, it's the emotion, that does make it unique to them. But that also just that is what part of what makes it something that resonates with your viewer.

Marlana

I agree with you. And, you know, here's the thing, people meet us online, before they ever meet us in person. Oftentimes, they never meet us in person. So, people need to look at these images as relationship building, you are trying to bridge that gap, and cross that bridge between you and the person that you want to them to know you. And so like you were just saying Claire, the more you can show of yourself, the more emotion you can put into these, or we can pull out of you for these. the better off you are. And you know, a lot of people have said to Well, I'm just not good in front of a camera or things like that. And the other thing that you need to realize is that that's not your job. That's our job. That's why you go to a professional, just like if I walked into a hair salon. And, you know, I, I bring my hair, it is what it is. But I expect the professional to be able to do something with it, that that I like, and it's really good point. And so, it's the same thing with photography, if you haven't had images that you like, or you feel like you're not photogenic, all those kinds of things, it very well may be that you're just not working with the right person for you. And I'm not necessarily saying that it's you or me, but it's just not the right person for whoever that is.

Claire

I totally agree, and I will say what I usually tell people when they say that is like, I mean, it's basically a conversation. When I am with someone, I'm incredibly like open and informal. And again, that's not for everyone, right? That's who I am. And you kind of get that and you're going to work with me, if you like that if you click with that, but that is part of I think how you get people to be open because you're really just having a conversation with them. And then intermittently taking pictures both like it's it shouldn't be an uncomfortable process. And you should be able to trust the person you hire. You're exactly right.

Marlana

Exactly. way. So now let's say somebody comes to one of us who is an ideal client for you. Because we do have overlap and a lot of things, but there are also distinctions. And, for example, Claire mentioned earlier that if you're going to go put on some boots and go hiking up in the woods, and with all the snakes and the critters, I'm probably not the girl for you. I have clients. Well, I had a client that that's very much his world. Yeah. However, in general, that's not really my world.

Claire

But I know you are Googling high heeled hiking boots.

Marlana

I'm baffled, I have to currently buy a pair of hiking boots. And I'm just baffled by the whole thing, because I found myself instead buying a pair of high heeled boots that were very much not hiking, because that is my world. So, if you have like, what I jokingly refer to as the lashes and Lobato Specter, that's my girl. Yeah, that's my client. But if you are kind of Earth, motherly person, you know, getting in touch with your spirituality. Claire's your girl.

Claire

You know, it's so interesting. I know, so many of our mentors have said, No, it's down. That's so much better. And I resisted for so long, saying what I felt called to have be my niche. And now I feel totally call into the mompreneur or the female entrepreneur. And I am not apologizing for that,

Brian Galke

Subtle Skills

Tagline: Subtle Skills for an Enhanced Life

As an Introverted/Extrovert, Brian purposely chose professions where people came to him for help (Retail, Hospitality, & Help Desk) to help ease his social anxiety.

Over the course of his career he would pick up a book, or take a class, to learn a new tip/trick to better interact with people. With every new social skill, another promotion soon followed.

The #1 skill that changed his Personal & Professional life was learning Facial Feature Analysis. That skill alone lead to moving from being an Installer to Regional Vice President of Sales, not too bad for someone who still considers himself to be a bit of an Introvert.

Brian is one of less than 100 people in the world who is certified in Facial Analysis and is one of the few who actually teaches it.

Brian Speaks, Trains, and Coaches people on how to successfully enhance their Personal & Professional interactions with others

Subtleskills.com

https://taplink.cc/subtleskills

https://lookingforloveinallthewrongfaces.com/

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Marlana: As an introverted extrovert, Brian Galke purposely chose professions where people came to him to help ease social anxiety. He was constantly trying to pick up a new tip or trick to better interact with people. But the number one skill that changed his life was learning facial feature analysis. Brian is one of less than one hundred people in the world who is certified in facial analysis, and one of the few who teaches these subtle skills for an enhanced life. Welcome, Brian.

Brian Thank you.

Marlana

So, I'm just going to let you dive right into it. And you tell us what we can learn from somebody's face?

Brian

Sure. I'll start with how I found this. And because it's a learned skill, that's the number one thing. When people see what we're going to cover today, everybody thinks, oh, this was something that you just came up with, or something that you're born with. And it is not. What happened to me is in 2011, I met a gentleman, and he read my face and I was immediately blown away because like you mentioned earlier, I'm kind of an introverted extrovert, and I love to be around people, but I was terrified of being around people at the exact same time. So, if you see my maroon bookcase over here, that's one of my bookcases. And it's full of books, like How to Win Friends and Influence People body language books, and LP books, you name it, because while I felt like I belong around people, at the same time, I felt like I didn't belong. And I lived a lot of time in the prison in my own mind, because I was overthinking everything. And when I met Mac full for heat was a quick, funny story.

Somebody was in town for a trade show. And we were supposed to go to dinner, and she called up to cancel on me and I just sat down at dinner. I'm like I'm stain. And she's like, no, you have to come meet this guy. I said no, I've already got my glass of wine. I'm staying here. Do you know what, thanks for bailing? She said, Trust me come and meet this guy. I went over there, and he read my face, and everything was so accurate. I immediately was like; how do I find this out? It turns out, he lives 40 minutes away

from me. And so, I spent time over the next year, he would get to have a get together twice a month, where you could go and learn about different facial features. And then he has a certification as well. I was instantly hooked. And I convinced one of my friends to do it with me so that when we went out in public, we could make it a game, and talk to everybody and what the true power of it all is, it got me out of the prison, my own mind into the present moment. And that's where my teaching people today is.

If you have concerns about networking, or cold calling, or anything like that, just lemme show you, you can look at people's eyebrows, and their eyebrows alone will tell you a little bit about them. The whole reason I teach eyebrows is because eyebrows lead to eye contact. And so that's always a walk a takeaway that people can get from here. So, with that, I'll jump into the presentation, and they can reach out to me. There'll be the QR code at the end. But I'm at subtle skills, subtle skills are my website, you name it, or briangalke.com as you can see on here. So, with that, let me start sharing, feel free to jump in at any time because I do get passionate about this.

I do live in Dallas, Texas, but I was raised by New Yorkers. So, I talk fast, and I say "y'all". If anyone is strictly listening to this, I know Brian will be talking through some of this. But if you really want the full effect, go over to the YouTube channel and check out the entire presentation.

All right, so that's what we're gonna teach about today, is how can you enhance rapport and build relationships strictly by learning to read faces. Ironically, I was at an event with Steve Sims this past week in Phoenix, and somebody was talking about the four pillars what everyone needs, and the first one was physical safety, second one was mental safety. And third was people want to feel seen and heard. And they also want to feel connected. And that's what's really cool about we're gonna teach you today. Is that something you can instantly do, because when you're focusing on reading somebody else's facial features, they feel seen and heard for the first time in a long time, and it changes everything. This is gonna sound funny for everybody reading. Some girl cried when I read her face, and I used to get freaked out and I would step away from it. When you're talking about what somebody's face says, and for example, she had rounded eyebrows, and she had rounded chin and some other rounded features, but she had a little line below her lower lip and above her chin called a verbal affirmation. And when you put these things together, what I knew is she always thinks about the people around her and that'll make more sense in a minute. But she has this little verbal affirmation line. So, if you've ever read the book, The Five Love Languages, Words of Affirmation,

is how some people feel loved and seen. And when I said that, I said, look, I know you're so busy doing everything for everybody else, but if you don't tell people what you're doing, they can never say thank you and make you feel whole, and she burst out into tears in front of everybody and it's not tears of sadness. It's realizing this whole time she hasn't been getting what she needed, but it's written on her face. So, I love starting with stories like that because not I made somebody cry, but somebody felt seen and heard and that's what you can do just by giving people a few minutes of your time.

So, with that, I'm Brian Galke, the reason I put up here is because I always have just settled skills and people wonder, well, who is the person behind it? So that's me. What are we going to talk about today is how to change every interaction you have and how this one skill once you learn it, it's helped me my clients, everybody else achieve both personal and professional success. Like I mentioned earlier, I went from the Help Desk to regional vice president sales, all because of this one skill now added with other skills. But this is the one leading the pack on how I became more successful. So went from 30,000 a year to much more than that, suddenly it faces.

What are today's challenges, we know we can't necessarily around the world meet face to face anymore. And a lot of our work is just like today, we're looking in zoom, so you only see so much somebody's face. Or if you're lucky enough that you can get to meet people; a lot of places still have mask mandates in place. So, what facial features can you still see? It's hard.

We're natural Ripoll lip readers? Well, if I'm talking like this, and we can't see each other lips, are they smiling behind the mask? We lost a lot of skills that we used to be able to use in the past. Now here's the crazy part. We've all been trained to degree in face reading we've just never been formally taught. And we use it in our everyday language. So, if I say keep your nose to the grindstone, take one on the chin, keep a stiff upper lip. We're all talking about what somebody's face says about them. And it describes their personality. And that's one of the things that I just love is, every time I hear a phrase, I'm like Boo, Boo, and I catch another one, write it down. And people always ask, what's it based on? No, I did not create it. This

has been around since the Greeks. It's based on something called physiognomy, which is understanding a person's temperament or character based on them, outward appearance. Now it doesn't say, Are you a cheater? Are you criminal, anything like that. All that it really says is your face can tell people.

How do you take in and process information? And it's crazy insane how accurate it is? Is it 100%? Absolutely not. But the amount of people I've met and

read their face, it's rare that something is way off base. Now there are times that it is but it's in the high nineties in terms of accuracy.

What I absolutely love about it is this was the first initiative-taking skill that you could do. So, what I mean by that is we can go into social media, grab somebody's picture, analyze their face, and then we feel like we're meeting a friend versus cold calling. I did this one went to Steve Sims event in April of last year, I had no idea who anybody was besides Steve. But he added me to the Facebook group. And as people said, hey, I'm so excited, I can't wait to be there. I would take a screenshot of their face and I would analyze their features. Then when I got there, I would just go out and start talking to them. And because I knew how they process information, they're like, oh, is this your third or fourth time here at the Speakeasy? I don't know, this is my first time, but people feel like they know you, because you're learning to speak their language. And when I used to do presentations, I was part of a group that any client over a million dollars, they threw me flew me and two other people out to do these presentations. Well, if you've ever done presentations, everything in the hotel is, is my PowerPoint working is my presentation working is the projector working. But people that fourth P was always the unknown. Now I can prepare like who am I going to meet with don't read their face, or even if I walked into the room, because I didn't know who's going to be there, I would look for key features. I'm going to teach you on the eyebrows. And I knew when I was talking to that person, I'll look at them and point out because their eyebrows tell you a little bit about them. I talked about this earlier, I think everyone should learn body language learning to read a room is invaluable.

Two of my favorite books right here is What Everybody's Saying by Joe Navarro that wants to understand other people's body language. And then my friend Janine Driver authored the book You Say More Than You Think, which is about looking and examine your own body language. Book is more prevalent right now and more important, because as we're stuck doing zoom, and we're stuck at home, we quit paying attention to how we interact with people. Because we only see this much of ourselves. So highly recommend picking up Jenny's book. The challenge with body language is just like the people are listening today. You can't see us, right? You're listening on the audio. But even the people who are watching the YouTube, they can't see what's going on below here, are my arms crossed, are your arms crossed or my legs crossed, are my hands IN my pockets. Now because I'm talking with my hands, you know where mine arms, but

we have limited visibility, especially now that we're doing phone calling video. And there's actual meetings if you're lucky enough to get an in-person meeting. Most times somebody's laptop is in front of them hiding their body so you can't even really see that much. And for the people who aren't on the next thing when you're present. The thing about reading faces is you're giving people your time and attention and you're looking at them in the face. And when you look at someone you know when somebody's paying attention to you and they're making eye contact versus if somebody's looking down in a way and that's the real trick to body languages.

Do you have to look at body language through your peripheral view versus directly staring at somebody and to many people, like in the example we have here, the guy's looking down while he's talking to people, and people don't feel like he's being present in the moment. And that was a game changer for me. Because when you're never looking away, and you're not distracted by your phone, or your smartwatch or anything else, it makes an enormous difference in how people react to that because they do feel number three, and four, we talked about four. They feel seen, they feel heard, and they feel connected. And it completely changed my life. Other books I mentioned earlier, How to Win Friends and Influence People, everyone should have this. But this book used to encourage you to look around people's office and pick things to talk about, you know, do you see any sports emblems? Do you see any pictures of family, you name it?

And those are things that you just can't do anymore, because, again, we're looking at zoom, you can see a few things in my house, depending on which way I change my standup desks with wheels on them are impressive because I just completely change where I want to go every other day. So, I feel like I'm getting to go places, even though I'm not leaving this room. The challenge with it is like you said, over phone, emails, zoom conference rooms, you really don't get to see a lot about the environment more. And there's also, a second half of this people are like, oh, no problem asked a bunch of questions. Well, until you understand what their level of comfort is talking about themselves. You may be asking questions, but people feel like you're doing this and you're just getting in their face, and almost interrogating them. And it's a terrifying thing for a lot of people. So, I always like to start off with celebrities because people watch TV shows, right? So, these are three celebs or four celebrities from something called the voice. And when I look at them, the first thing, the very first thing that I look at is, I see people who have larger ears and smaller eyes? Now a question that comes up all the time is, well, people's ears are always gonna be larger than their eyes, it's correct, it's looking at compared to the size of their face to the eyes look larger or smaller. Same thing with their ears. But if you look at all for the people here, they have larger ears and

smaller eyes. Well, that's not surprising, because if you ever watched the boys, they would start like this listening until they heard something they liked, then they would turn around and physically see the person. So, if you're talking to somebody who has larger ears, and they have smaller eyes, then you would change it to auditory phrases. Hey, does this sound like a clever idea? Do you hear where I'm coming from? Have you heard blah, blah, blah? And so, you can change this? If somebody has larger eyes. And they have smaller ears and I change it too visual things? Do you see where I'm coming from? Picture this, you know, you can just continue to play with it. And let's say you can't read somebody's face, then do you just add in all three? Does this sound like a clever idea? Can you see where I'm coming from? Can you wrap your hands around this, which is a kinesthetic way to talk to people as well. And I'll do that for presentations.

I look at if it's a leap behind them and give to somebody, what I'll do is I'm designing for the main person who's going to receive because if you've ever read the book, The Five Love Languages, the way that somebody receives something may be different for each individual person. So, if I see somebody who's more visual, I'll put in most visual terms and pictures, but in case they're going to pass it off internally, then I'll add in some Auditory and Kinesthetic. So, I'm speaking to the entire audience, but I'm focusing on my original contact. Does that make sense so far?

Marlana

Yeah. Fascinating.

Brian

And I get enthusiastic about this. So, I talk fast. So, feel free to slow me down.

Marlana

Right now, I'm thinking to myself, thank goodness, this is being taped, because I'm never going to remember all this, and I need to.

Brian

Well, good news is you can follow me on Instagram, I put little tips up all the time. I have a Virtual Training System, you can access 24/7 watch videos, and I always put-up cheat sheets and everything to the fun part here is how long does it take to learn it? This is hands down my favorite thing I can show you on Facebook. One of the people who attended the seminar I talked about last Monday, we were talking about auditory versus visual. He reached out to his office manager. He's a chiropractor. And he looked her picture, and she has larger ears. So, when he's talking to her, he's like, hey, I just want to make sure that I'm hearing everything that's going on your world. You know, I want to know I'm listening when you talk. And instead of her just saying, okay, she sent him this long paragraph about everything going on in the office. And he came up to me, he's like, oh, I use this. Yesterday, I used it. I said auditory words because I saw she's got larger ears and look at this response. And it changed the way that he is now interacting with his office manager which is going to help him. So instead of making it about the way he wanted to say it, he changed it to how would she best receive it and it already changed their dynamic and that's just after learning one thing. That's crazy. All right. So, with that, we're gonna jump right in. And I'll try to remember that there's some people who are just listening. So, I'll walk through all these a few steps. Super simple. Number one, if you know those to whom you're going to be talking. Then you get on, you look them up on social media, LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram. What if you don't know who you're going Meet with what I do is going to a presentation somewhere in an office, I will show up early. And I'll say, hey, I'm here for this meeting presentation today, can you tell me who I'm going to be meeting with. And what I'll do is I'll grab one of their business cards, and I'll look them up, while I'm sitting in the waiting room. So, I got a few extra minutes, which helps me prep. The other thing that you can do is if you're going into a client or website, everybody has a picture of who's important on the About Us page of a website. So, you can do research numerous different ways.

Number two, find a good picture of their face. What's a good picture of the face straight on well lit. And you'll understand when we start showing features here in a minute why that's important. But when you tilt things, it changes the way the features Look, when you're looking at it. Once I find a face, there's two ways to really read a face. The first one is hey, what stands out? So, if you were characterized and knew we were trying...