In a TV address tonight, Donad Trump may announce America is going to war with Venezuela because of Joe Biden’s open borders while also doubling down on his Truth Social post that film director Rob Reiner died because of the anger he caused over Trump Derangement Syndrome. (Truth Social should be changed to Truth Sociopath.)

Marco Rubio announced the State Department will stop using the Calibri font for official communications—which is easier for visually impaired employees to read—and switch to Times New Roman because if there’s anything Rubio hates more than diversity and inclusion, it’s diverse and inclusive typefaces. 

Marjorie Taylor Greene bashed Donald Trump—who said he never heard of her and if he did hear of her, he wouldn’t like her—while the Trump administration removed Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Juneteenth from the list of free attendance days at national parks, replacing them with Trump’s birthday. (That’s white of them.)

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy is urging air travelers to dress better and be more civil—cue the laugh track—while Donald Trump has added his name to the U.S. Institute of Peace building. (But it’s not remotely legal as he added it in the middle of the night using an autopen.)

Marco Rubio said more work need to be done to end the Russia-Ukraine war—like forcing Ukraine to give Russia everything it wants—while Donald Trump said he felt good about pardoning former Honduran president and convicted U.S. drug-trafficker Juan Orlando Hernandez because “I like doing nice things for nice people.”

Donald Trump said six Democrats who told the military to refuse illegal orders—like bombing alleged drug boats—should be hanged for seditious behavior (i.e., truth telling) while Karoline Leavitt explained that Trump called a female reporter “piggy” because he’s open and honest (unlike Joe Biden who wanted to call female reporters “piggy” but was too senile and called them “Ziggy”).

A federal court blocked Texas’ gerrymandering plan to add five GOP House seats as it was racially motivated—"Don’t mess with the Constitution”—while Florida Rep. Maria Salazar defended Donald Trump who called a female reporter “piggy,” saying he made a simple error in pronunciation. (The reporter’s name is Catherine.)

JD Vance said housing is too expensive because 30 million illegal immigrants took homes that should go to Americans and drove up prices—Question: if immigrants had that much money, why’d they come here?—while Donald Trump gave the House GOP the go-ahead to release the Epstein files. (And by that he means, into the Potomac.)

The government reopened Thursday with Republicans seeking an alternative to Obamacare—most likely a bucket of leeches—while Donald Trump met with Lauren Boebert to get her to withdraw her support for releasing the Epstein files. (Apparently, his promise of her having the first dance in the new ballroom didn’t work.)

The House votes today on funding the government but without extending Obamacare subsidies to lower healthcare costs—thankfully, tax cuts for billionaires are intact!—while Donald Trump touts the H-1B visa to bring in talented foreign workers to fill jobs Americans aren’t equipped for. (Too bad the H-1B visa doesn’t apply to presidents.)