Donald Trump told reporters he regretted the Washington Commanders changed their name from the Redskins (“No one loves Indians more than me”) while Attorney General Pam Bondi said a one-minute gap in the video of Jeffrey Epstein’s jail cell was due to Biden’s open border policy.

Elon Musk threatened to start a third political party if Donald Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” passed and now The America Party is off and running (most likely off a cliff) while six medical organizations are suing RFK, Jr and HHS for limiting access to vaccines, calling it unscientific, harmful, and just plain Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. 

Donald Trump will be celebrating the 249th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence by signing his Big, Beautiful Bill, which will surely make tens of millions of Americans yearn to be ruled by King George III. (Somewhere the Founding Fathers are projectile vomiting.)

Several House Republicans are upset with the Senate’s version of the budget bill because it’s more horrible than the horrible one they passed while Paramount will pay Donald Trump $16 million to settle his “60 Minutes” lawsuit alleging the news program deceptively edited a Kamala Harris interview, which isn’t true but that’s never stopped corporate American from caving to the Baby-in-Chief.

Donald Trump’s big, beautiful budget bill is wildly unpopular with Republican voters but that won’t stop the Senate from passing their version of it and, in the process, adding trillions to the deficit and booting millions of people off Medicaid. (And THEY’RE the party of the working class?)

The Supreme Court has voted to scale back nationwide injunctions that have blocked the Trump administration’s efforts to end birthright citizenship (the 14th Amendment be damned) while California Governor Gavin Newsom sues Fox News for saying Trump never called him before sending National Guard troops to LA (the truth be damned).

Donald Trump claimed the U.S.-Israeli strikes totally obliterated Iran's nuclear program, dismissing a Pentagon report to the contrary—facts, schmacts—while Republicans seek to pass a budget bill that will add trillions of dollars to the national debt that they’re only concerned about when Democrats are in charge.

Donald Trump gave the order to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities, which Democrats say was unconstitutional—is anything he does constitutional to them?—while Iran is threatening to close the Strait of Hormuz, which doesn’t bother Trump who thinks it’s the Strait of Hormel, where canned chili comes from, instead of a critical oil checkpoint.

Donald Trump said he’ll decide about bombing Iran in the next two weeks—when his Magic 8 Ball comes back from the repair shop—but is ready right now to end a Biden-era ban on asbestos, the cancer-causing fiber whose largest exporter is…wait for it…Russia. 

The Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a hearing into former President Biden’s mental acuity to determine who was running the White House while Donald Trump calls Fed Chairman Jerome Powell a stupid person for not cutting interest rates. (What’s wrong with this picture?)