Yesterday, Donald Trump touted his first-year accomplishments (not being impeached, for one) then told Norway’s prime minister that he’s going after Greenland because Norway didn’t give him the Nobel Peace Prize. (When told that the prize comes from the Norwegian Nobel Committee, not Norway, Trump retorted, “It’s Norway or the highway.”)

Pete Hegseth censured Senator Mark Kelly for telling military personnel not to follow illegal orders (What part of “don’t follow illegal orders” don’t you understand, Mr. Hegseth?) while Donald Trump said Renee Good—the Minneapolis mom killed by an ICE agent—was very disrespectful to law enforcement. (See 6, January.)

The DOJ is investigating Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell for lying about the cost of renovating the Federal Reserve’s headquarters (cue the laugh track) while Donald Trump is threatening to attack Iran over their killing of peaceful protesters (cue the irony track).

Only 584,000 jobs were created last year, the lowest number since 2003—Donald Trump blamed it on Haberdasher Harry Truman—while ICE shot and killed Minneapolis resident Renee Good who was a law-abiding citizen and not a domestic terrorist, a charge made Kristi Noem (an actual domestic terrorist).

A White House website hailed the mob who stormed the U.S. Capitol five years ago on January 6 as peaceful protesters, claiming they were provoked by Nancy Pelosi—their baseness is bottomless—while the U.S. announced it will control Venezuelan oil exports indefinitely. (Shocking!)

The U.S. invaded Venezuela and arrested its president on drug charges even though Trump pardoned the former Honduran president who was convicted on drug charges—it makes perfect sense if you’re on drugs—while Congress called the invasion illegal. (Trump claimed the invasion was legal under his Gulf of Donkin Resolution.)

Donald Trump posted that the White House doctors proclaimed him to be in perfect health—they also said RFK, Jr. was a perfect HHS secretary—and that he aced his cognitive examination, which included naming several barnyard animals along with the ex-Honduran president and drug lord he pardoned.

Donald Trump issued the first vetoes of his second term: One was for clean drinking water in Colorado (“When blue states stop stealing elections, they’ll get clean drinking water!”) and the other was to expand the land of the Miccosukee Tribe in Florida. (He’s still pissed the Washington Redskins had to change their name.)

Volodymyr Zelenskyy met with Donald Trump but failed to hammer out a peace plan—Zelenskyy wanted 50 years of security guarantees, Trump countered with 35 years and renaming the country Donald J. Trump-Ukraine—while the U.S. military is preparing to go to war with Venezuela. (Trump says there will be no land troops, only land sharks.)

After Donald Trump chatted with children on the phone about Santa Claus’ whereabouts as NORAD tracked his sleigh and how Democrats were going to tax their toys, he posted a video about the 2020 elections being stolen and how people should be arrested for treason. (Happy Holidays from hell!)