19 Nocturne Boulevard

THE SEVENTH KEY

A writer makes a bet that she can change her style - and perhaps her life - overnight

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

• Cindy Applegate - Chandra Wade
• Troy - Matthias Rebne Morgan
• Mandy - Crystal Thomson
• Regia - Kristina Yuen
• Tex - Mike Campbell
• Lucas - Abner Senires
• Roarke - Rick Lewis
• Old Scupper - Julie Hoverson
• Trooper 1 - Glen Hallstrom
• Trooper 2 - Franknvox

19 Nocturne theme music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)

All other music is from the album "Pursuit of Happiness" by C. Filipe Alves (used under a Creative Commons License, found at www.jamendo.com)

Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio

Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a writer's studio, can't you tell?"

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The seventh key

The seventh Key is the other play vaguely inspired by the Seven Keys to Bald Pate - The book by Earl Derr Biggars, and the play by George M. Cohan, and the 1970s loosely inspired film The House of Long Shadows.

While Murder Ward arose primarily from the catfishing aspect of the story, this one is more obviously the basic plotline - author makes a bet to write something different if given an inspirational place, and then things go awry. There's a hint that the catfishing is still happening, but maybe it's not.

Part of this is simply an indictment of the unrealistic expectations that romance novels give women - we all complain about porn creating unreal expectations for men, then dream about 7 foot tall warrior hunks with long fabio hair and tribal tatoos, and more junk than any man should have, since he would pass out every time from blood loss to the brain.

That's why every man in this play is utterly impossible, from Cindy's point of view. They all prove that reality is terrible. Originally Tex and Luke were both sort of dudebros, but a last minute replacement put Michael Campbell in for his first session with us, and he sounded too similar to Luke, and wasn't comfortable with a cowboy type accent (my original intention for Tex). So on the spot we decided Tex was effusively gay - which would be another and different way he could be "completely unavailable" to our lovelorn writer.

The multiple endings are also inspired by Seven Keys to Bald Pate, and are more meant to show the many horrible ways a writers mind expects projects to go down in flames, or fall apart, than necessarily to show an actual event. We all imagine having our book done, then finding it's gone horribly wrong....

**********************************************

THE SEVENTH KEY

Cast:

• Olivia - Host
• Cindy Applegate (F30s), a writer
• Regia (F40s), Cindy's publisher
• Troy (M30s), Cindy's imaginary boyfriend
• Mandy (F30s), Cindy's sister
• Tex, Luke, Roarke (M20s/30s, obnoxious) - film crew
• Old Scupper (M, elder)- crusty old salt
• Trooper1 and 2 - (M, any) police

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a writer's condo, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SCENE 1. WRITING AT HOME

SOUND COMPUTER, TYPING

CINDY [muttering as she types, overwrought] ...and I love you too, my dearest darling.

SOUND PHONE RINGS

CINDY [irritated mumble] Go away, he's about to make an indecent proposal.

TROY I can no longer contain my passion. My blood hums for you. You must be mine!

CINDY [ecstatic sigh]

SOUND PICKS UP PHONE

CINDY [almost an ecstatic sigh] Yes?

REGIA You've been writing, haven't you?

CINDY [still dreamy] Of course. That's what you want me to do, isn't it?

REGIA Of course. So. What's the new one?

CINDY "Rogue of Fate"

REGIA Quick précis?

CINDY Warwick Wellington, handsome and devilish owner of Wellington shipping lines and dabbler in exotic animals hires cat breeder Gloriana Mundy to help him birth a rare white leopard--

REGIA They hate each other on sight, and yet fall in love, have a steamy sex scene and then argue, never to see each other again, but then the panther--

CINDY --Leopard--

REGIA --goes into labour and they have to work together to save the cubs, and realize their attraction is unavoidable?

CINDY [shocked] How-- how did you guess?

REGIA Cindy, you know I'm your friend as well as your agent, right?

CINDY Yes, but what has--

REGIA It's roughly the same as every plot you've ever written. In fact I think it's identical to "Never the Twain Shall Sleep" except that was a prize-winning race horse instead of a leopard. You're kind of predictable.

CINDY [truly distressed] But - no. It can't be, I don't-- not on purpose!

REGIA I know. That's actually the very sad part. I know, and you know, that you just happen to write that way, and not that you have a formula tacked to the wall that says "page 32, they meet. At page 230, they quarrel" or anything like that.

CINDY I don't! I swear!

REGIA The good thing is that your books always sell. I'm never going to fault you for that - but I'd love to see what you could do if you ever did break out of this rut. You're a competent writer, and you'll always have an audience, but you could do more, if you tried something a little different.

CINDY Like what?

REGIA Are you seeing anyone?

CINDY Dr. Mallory said I didn't really need--

REGIA I meant dating.

CINDY Oh. [grudging] No.

REGIA You should.

CINDY Men are pigs.

REGIA Which is why your heroes perspire rather than sweat. Real women like real men. At least a little bit.

CINDY They're ... messy. Uncooperative.

REGIA. Yup. Try it - you might like it.

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP

MUSIC

SCENE 2.

CINDY You are the only one who understand me, Troy.

TROY Of course, my proud beauty. For you are complex and mysterious and most men can't be bothered to see past the ends of their--

CINDY [cutting him off] Yes, yes. Troy, you will always love me, won't you?

TROY As long as there is breath in my body.

CINDY Oh, Troy!

TROY Oh, Cindy!

SOUND PHONE RINGS

CINDY Oh, pooh!

SOUND PICKS UP PHONE

CINDY Yes?

MANDY Hey sis. I guess I caught you at a bad time?

CINDY [irritated] I was just... composing. What do you need?

MANDY I was just going to see if you wanted to come to dinner this weekend. George and I haven't seen you in ages.

CINDY Who is it this time?

MANDY [overly innocent] Whatever can you mean?

CINDY Please - when you start talking like... like--

MANDY One of your heroines?

CINDY [pedantic] The way people talked in the 18th and 19th century--

MANDY I give up! I will give you the code words. His name is Rob, and he's a banker. He's nice. Cute even - if you don't mind someone a tad... cuddly.

CINDY Stop trying to fix me up - why can't you believe I'm just fine?

MANDY Because you're alone, and if I know you, you're talking to your imaginary boyfriend again.

CINDY You said you'd never--

MANDY Drop it! Sorry! Come to dinner anyway. We'll tell Rob you have something contagious, and you can just sit and be bored with the three of us. [beat] Cody misses his auntie.

CINDY Cody can't feed himself yet. I doubt he can tell us apart, the way he keeps trying to get into my shirt.

MANDY For a romance writer, you are the least sentimental person I know. No wonder all your characters are cardboard cutouts.

CINDY They are not!

MANDY Sweetie. They all use the same 10 lines at some point in their respective narrative - there's an entire website devoted to spotting them and mocking you.

CINDY What ten lines?

MANDY Lessee - "my proud beauty"

CINDY [squeaky gasp]

MANDY "As long as there is breath in my body", "you may take my body but you will never have my heart" - that one from her, whoever "her" is at the moment. Hmm. I can forward you the URL if you like.

CINDY No! And I'm not going to come to dinner. I'm busy. Writing. Something completely different.

MANDY I'll believe that when I read it.

CINDY You bet you will.

MANDY You're on!

CINDY What?

MANDY I'll bet you one year that you can't write a real novel - even a novella - in the same time that it takes you to rattle off one of your froufrou books.

CINDY One year? Of what?

MANDY [chuckles evilly] One year that you come to dinner twice a month and be nice to whoever we invite--

CINDY Whomever.

MANDY --against one year when I won't even ask you over.

CINDY You're - you're on! I could use a year of not being nagged.

MANDY But you have to get the first draft done in a weekend - that's how long you told Women's Day it takes you to write one of your books.

CINDY [gasp] How can anyone be so horrid?

MANDY I'm your sister - and yes, that one's on the list too.

SOUND MANDY HANGS UP. CINDY SLOWLY PUTS DOWN RECEIVER

CINDY Am I really that ... predictable?

TROY A woman is a bundle of senses, with a dash of nonsense.

CINDY Argh!

MUSIC

SCENE 3.

CINDY Why didn't you ever tell me?

REGIA [on phone] I did - you just never heard. I didn't push it because you always sell so well - to women who like a certain kind of man, a certain kind of story, and a certain kind of resolution. You always deliver.

CINDY I'm - I'm boring! This website even says so. "Good god! How could I have been so blind" - oh No! I will never say that again!

REGIA It's not that bad. Ignore the critics. Write what you love. As long as it sells, why worry about it?

CINDY Is money all you think about?

REGIA I am an agent.

CINDY But I want people to like my books, not laugh at them. I want to write something good. Something meaningful.

REGIA Oh, man. I said you should try something different, but, meaningful? Why such a change?

CINDY Because just surviving isn't living at all. [defiant] and yes, that's one of the ten.

REGIA Ten?

CINDY Never mind. Will you help me?

REGIA Help you - with what?

CINDY I need a place to write. Inspiration. Atmosphere. Just for a weekend - enough to rough out a new story. [definite] Something meaningful.

REGIA Meaningful books are a tougher sell. I like your books the way they are.

CINDY I can always go back to churning out the same old... crap...later.

TROY During our year of peace.

MUSIC

SCENE 4. OUTSIDE THE LIGHTHOUSE

SOUND WALKING, OUTSIDE, WIND, ONE PAIR OF FEET IS VERY STOMPY

OLD SCUPPER Yar. The lighthouse heah was decommissioned night on fotty yeahs gone.

SOUND BIRD NOISE

CINDY Oh, seagulls!

OLD SCUPPER [completely dry] Cahnt see why - being right heah on the beach, and all.

SOUND KEYS JINGLE - OLD CREAKY DOOR OPENS

OLD SCUPPER Cahs it ain't been empty the hul time - we gets renters from time to time who want to paint or try that meditation yahoo, but-- but no one eveh stays more'n a month.

SOUND THEY GO INSIDE, CREAKY DOOR SLAMS SHUT WITH AN ECHO

CINDY [eep!]

OLD SCUPPER It's all on account o' the ghost.

CINDY Yes, that's exactly why I came here.

OLD SCUPPER Har har har. Y'ain't the fust, young lady, to think they cud stand up t' the ghost.

CINDY I heard it was a woman who committed suicide? Jumped off the--

OLD SCUPPER Ain't that romantic, now? Nar. She were killed. And then he killed hisself. No one atall is dead sure which one itis which haunts the place - or mayhaps it's both of 'em.

CINDY Well, can't they see? If it's in a dress--?

OLD SCUPPER Yer head is full o' crap. It's them movies and the T-V makes it sound like ghosts look just like regular folks. Bah. [spookier and spookier] This haunt - or haunts, as the case may be - is just a dark shape which covers the winduhs, making day inta night, and then it lets out such a scream - a scream to shake down the very heavens. Them as hears the scream falls inter a deep sleep and when they finally wake up, they find they've done ... terrible things. Best you come on back befoah dark and stay in town. Tis not far - just an hour or so afoot.

CINDY No. I'm fine. Thanks.

OLD SCUPPER Suit yerself.

SOUND FEET STOMP OFF. DOOR OPENS. CLICK

CINDY Hey!

OLD SCUPPER Ayah?

CINDY What about the electricity?

OLD SCUPPER Yer don' know how t'work a jenny?

CINDY Who's Jenny?

OLD SCUPPER [disgusted noise] Gar.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, FEET STOMP AWAY INSIDE

MUSIC

SCENE 5.

SOUND TYPING AWAY ON A LAPTOP

CINDY [mutters as she types] --window high above the pounding surf. The darkness closes in, the wind echoes through the huge column of stone, and the rocks call out to her. "Join us." No, scratch that, "we have the answer to all your pain"--

SOUND KNOCK ON THE OUTER DOOR ECHOES LOUDLY

CINDY [eep!] Coming!

SOUND A COUPLE MORE LAPTOP KEYS

SOUND ENDLESS FEET DOWN STAIRS, THEY STOP. THEN CONTINUE

CINDY Just a minute!

SOUND FEET DESCEND AND FINALLY FADE INTO--

CINDY Coming!

SOUND DOOR OPENS

CINDY [out of breath] Hello? [half wolf whistle, half gasp] Hell-o!

TEX [very campy] Hello! Is this the Sutter's Wharf lighthouse?

CINDY [puzzled and disappointed] Yes. Um. Is there something I can do for you?

TEX I wanted to make sure before we start bringing in the equipment. [turns away and gives a huge whistle]

CINDY Equip... what?

TEX We'll be staying in here, then?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS INTO ECHOES

TEX [echoey] Hmm. Not bad. We're with "In Specter" - you know, the ghost hunting show? We're doing a spot on the lighthouse this weekend. Didn't you get the memo?

CINDY But... but I'm renting the lighthouse this weekend.

TEX You aren't the owner?

CINDY I-I'm a writer - I came here for some peace and quiet and--

SOUND SQUEAKY WHEELS APPROACH

LUKE ["dude" yelling from off] Dude, get out of the way! Got the beers!

CINDY [nearly in tears] -- and atmosphere.

TEX Sorry. We've had it booked for six months. You'll have to talk to Roarke. Our boss.

CINDY Roarke? That's a nice name. I gotta make a note--

TEX You got one?

CINDY A note?

TEX [snorting laugh] No. A name. I'm Tex, and this ...studmuffin is Luke.

LUKE [a little off] Yo!

CINDY Cindy. Cindy Applegate.

LUKE Oh! Woah! Any relation to--?

CINDY [surprised and pleased] Yes - yes, it's me - I'm the writer.

LUKE Writer? No - you know, the hot actress. Babelicious! Smoking! Awoo!

CINDY Argh!

MUSIC

SCENE 6. OUTSIDE

SOUND PACING ON DIRT

CINDY This Roarke will just have to understand.

TROY You will sway him with your plight. And your beauty.

CINDY Maybe he'll even be handsome--

TROY Your eyes devoured those two musclebound--

CINDY But this Roarke guy is the boss. He's probably Irish or something. Fiery. Passionate.

TROY Who wouldn't be, faced with your loveliness?

CINDY Regia said she arranged everything.

TROY Unless...

CINDY What?

TROY Perhaps she thought the presence of other people might stir your creative juices.

CINDY Maybe...

SOUND CAR WINDOW ROLLS DOWN

CINDY Roarke?

ROARKE [obnoxiously Brooklyn] OK, I got 5 minutes.

CINDY [vastly disappointed] Oh. Sure. Um, my publicist--

ROARKE I was just on the phone with her. Someone well and truly screwed the pooch on this one, but we're willing to let you stick around while we work--

CINDY But I need quiet to write!

ROARKE Tough titty, babe. You can stay, but only if you let the crew fit you into the show - Your agent said it would be good for your image, all that crap.

CINDY But when will I be able to write?

ROARKE We'll be shooting local color tonight and tomorrow by day - write then. But at night, you gotta be around in case this ghost shows up.

CINDY You think I'll really enhance the show?

ROARKE Chicks scream better.

SOUND WINDOW ROLLS UP

MUSIC

SCENE 7.

SOUND SEAGULLS, OUTSIDE AMBIANCE, OCEAN, WIND

SOUND KEYBOARD CLICKS

CINDY [Muttering through gritted teeth] Ensconced on the parapet, I gazed down over the jagged cliffs below, and wondered if perhaps this was the same view - the last view - of the murdered woman so long ago. Whether the moaning of the wind in the rocks called to her, the way they sing now - even now - in my head.

SOUND A COUPLE OF LAST CLICKS, LAPTOP CLOSES

CINDY [sigh]

TROY It's going well, all things considered.

CINDY Yes. But it's almost dark, and then--

TROY He required you be available, not actually present.

CINDY I hope the ghost shows up - then they can get what they want and go.

TROY Have you considered--?

CINDY What?

TROY That this was much too fortuitous - your arrival followed so closely by theirs? Perhaps your agent did this a'purpose.

CINDY But why? She wants me to write--

TROY Ah, but she also wants you to socialize. With real people.

CINDY Well, if I don't get this darn draft done, I'll definitely be stuck socializing - if you can call any of Mandy and George's friends "real". [shudder]

TROY Would it be so horrible?

CINDY Yes.

SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR

TEX Hey, you up here?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

TEX There you are, pretty lady.

CINDY What do you want?

TEX Making sure you didn't fall off or nothing.

CINDY [chilling] Nope. Not yet.

TEX Well. Dinner's on, anyway.

MUSIC

SCENE 8. SHOOTING

SOUND WHIRRING OF MACHINERY

VOICE [on P.A.] IN SPECTOR

LUKE OK, so we're here in Sutter's Wharf lighthouse, waiting to see if the infamous screaming shadow will appear.

TEX And for once, we're not all alone. We have a guest - famous romance writer Cindy Appleton.

CINDY [hollow, deer in headlights] Applegate.

TEX Applegate. [beat] Here, honey, wave. I guess little Cindy ain't exactly hard to scare, huh, Luke?

LUKE [chuckles] Well, Tex, writing's a pretty lonely business. And this is a lonely place. Right Cindy?

CINDY Yes.

LUKE Yeah. See, dude?

CINDY It is a lonely business.

TEX Right. Well, they say the ghost has been known to walk the platform around the light, upstairs. So we're going to haul ass up there for a while. Come on.

SOUND LIGHTS SWITCHED OFF

ROARKE That coulda been better.

CINDY I thought ...there would be a script.

ROARKE You wanna write one, go ahead, but we don't got the budget to pay for nuttin like that.

CINDY I'm... sorry.

ROARKE No skin off my ass. Embarrassing famous people goes over great on TV. And your agent agreed that, short of actual nudity, anything we shoot of you this weekend will get her ok for air time.

TROY We should get clear of this nest of vipers!

CINDY [trying to be brave] Well. You can film me writing for the next half hour. I have a scene that has to get written.

ROARKE Not bad - use the publicity from the show to push the book. And vicey-versy. Not bad at all.

MUSIC

SCENE 9.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS, SQUEAK, LATCH

CINDY Well, I can get a little privacy anyway.

SOUND OPEN LAPTOP, POWER UP

TROY You know I will always support anything you do--

SOUND HORRIBLE DRILLING NOISE

CINDY What the blazes?

SOUND LATCH OPENS, DOOR OPENS

CINDY What's the--

SOUND HORRIBLE DRILLING NOISE, LOUDER

CINDY Ahhhhhhh! [as soon as it ends] What IS that!

LUKE Eyebolts, little dudette. Can't have the cameras falling if the ghost shows up. We got permission.

CINDY But the noise!

LUKE Yeah, sucks, don't it. Oh, well. Be done soon. [laughs] Woah!

SOUND DRILLING

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

MUSIC

SCENE 10. TIME PASSES

SOUND TYPING

TROY [voice cutting the music] Weren't they coming back to get you?

CINDY Hmm? Maybe they forgot about me.

TROY But it's been hours.

CINDY Has it?

SOUND TURNING DOWN VOLUME OF THE MUSIC

CINDY It is awfully quiet.

TROY It's past one.

CINDY Wow.

SOUND TAPPING A FEW LAST KEYS, CLOSE LAPTOP, REMOVE MEMORY STICK

CINDY I guess I should see.

SOUND LATCH LIFTS, THEN HESITATES

CINDY They might just be waiting to catch me off guard again.

TROY Don't let them. You're much too clever. You can do this.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

CINDY [quiet, echoing] Hello?

MUSIC

SCENE 11.

SOUND WALKING AND TURNING ON A CELLPHONE

CINDY Searching, searching...

TROY Perhaps they're filming outside?

CINDY They wouldn't have left all the equipment. It's all just sitting there... Even that darn drill. [gasp] Drat. No bars. Figures.

SOUND CELL PHONE SLAPS SHUT

TROY Leaving is a very viable option. Grab your smallest case and we can--

CINDY But their blasted truck has boxed me in.

TROY Only about an hour's walk. According to the ...rustic.

CINDY But if something happened here, wouldn't it have happened to me too?

TROY Then... what?

CINDY I think it's a joke. They thought it was funny catching me out in front of the camera, and now...

TROY An even more persuasive argument that you must leave this place.

CINDY No. I can just see it - bedraggled author crawls into town after night in haunted lighthouse, only to find camera crew at local bar. Yes! That's where they must be. Well, I'm not playing.

TROY So you will--?

CINDY Go upstairs and get back to work. There's still plenty of time before they stagger in.

MUSIC

SCENE 12. POWER TROUBLE

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, DOOR LATCH

SOUND ELECTRIC NOISE, BUZZ-DIP.

CINDY Oh, shi--oot!

SOUND LAPTOP UNPLUGGED, THEN TURNED ON

CINDY Oh, no! Good thing I have backup.

SOUND LAPTOP BOOTS

CINDY [sigh of relief]

SOUND ELECTRIC DIP, THEN OUT. POP OF LIGHT BULB

CINDY [eep!]

TROY Now it's truly time to go.

CINDY But how will I get back down and out of here in the dark?

TROY How can you stay?

CINDY Easy. I write for the four hours I have on battery, and by then dawn will be coming up. I just sit tight.

MUSIC

SCENE 13. WORKING

SOUND TYPING MADLY

TROY What if it was the ghost?

CINDY Hey, whose imaginary friend are you anyway?

TROY [calming] I help you to express your fears.

CINDY Well, right now, any fears I have are right outside that door, and can stay there.

SOUND ELECTRIC NOISE RETURNS

SOUND DRILL OUTSIDE THE DOOR - continues until noted

CINDY [Starts screaming]

TROY Shh, It's going to be all right. Shh. Calm down. You need to be calm.

CINDY [down to whimpering]

TROY It's not that bad - the power just came back on and the surge started the drill.

CINDY [gasping] Really?

TROY [uncertain] It's the only logical answer.

CINDY Logic sucks.

TROY The noise won't go away until you go out there and turn it off.

CINDY No!

TROY What if you're the only one here - that damn noise will drive you mad until you put it right.

CINDY Someone had to turn on the generator.

TROY Really?

CINDY I think so. So someone has to be out there.

TROY [ominous] Someone.

CINDY You're doing it again! Shh!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS COMING UP THE STAIRS

CINDY [eep]

TROY Who do you think it is?

CINDY Ssh.

TROY No one but you can hear me, my sweet one.

CINDY [whispered] Oh. Right.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS GET CLOSE. DOOR IS RATTLED

CINDY [gasping]

TROY If they were not villains, they'd hail you, wouldn't they?

CINDY Uh-huh.

TROY Bloody hell.

CINDY Uh-huh!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS GO ON PAST

TROY Oh good.

SOUND DRILL IS TURNED OFF

CINDY [huge sigh]

SOUND SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS. FOOTSTEPS START TO RETURN

CINDY [rapid breathing, trying to stay quiet]

SOUND SUDDEN POUNDING ON DOOR

CINDY [hands over mouth, to keep self quiet]

TROOPER [muffled] Police! Open up!

CINDY Police?

TROY Can you trust him?

CINDY [whispered] What else can I do? [up, but shaky] I'm coming.

SOUND SLOW STEPS TO DOOR, LATCH OPENS, THEN DOOR

CINDY Police?

TROOPER1 Will you step out here ma'am? Please keep your hands where I can see them.

CINDY What? Why?

TROOPER1 [calling off] Found one!

CINDY One what?

TROOPER1 Survivor. Come on.

CINDY I can't leave my laptop! What do you mean, survivor?

TROOPER1 We're just going downstairs - for the moment. Everything will be perfectly safe.

SOUND FEET SLOWLY DESCEND STAIRS

CINDY Heavens!

TROOPER1 Stay to the right here, at the bottom of the stairs - we don't want you walking in the evidence. Come on.

CINDY I can't!

TROOPER2 Hey! What's the hold up?

CINDY What happened?

TROOPER1 That's what we want you to tell us, ma'am. Now if you would just step this way--

CINDY No!

SOUND FEET RUN UPSTAIRS, HEAVY BOOTS FOLLOW. SHE IS GRABBED

TROOPER1 [struggling with her] We've tried to be polite about this, but you have to come with us - it's not a request.

CINDY [breathing hard, half whispered] I've never seen so much blood!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS DESCEND AGAIN

TROOPER1 I'm willing to believe that, miss, but we need to find out what you did see. I mean tonight.

CINDY Nothing. Before the lights went out, no one was here, and then there was no power, so I worked on battery in my room, and then you turned...them back on...

TROOPER1 You didn't hear anything? Anything at all?

CINDY I tend to be ... lost... in thought - when I write. And the walls seem pretty thick. [breath catches] What... happened?

TROOPER1 Don't know. The bodies are all ... missing.

MUSIC

SCENE 14. ONE PHONE CALL

CINDY I promise you, I didn't see or hear anything.

REGIA [on phone] Did you tell them that?

CINDY Over and over again. They won't believe me. They think I did some awful thing!

REGIA I know a few lawyers. We'll get this sorted out.

CINDY But I didn't do anything!

REGIA Sorry, you caught me in a bad cell zone. Let me get to a land line and call you back.

SOUND CLICK PHONE OFF

CINDY That's a fine kettle of fish.

TROY They would never convict you - they must see what a lovely soul you truly are.

CINDY People have been wrongly convicted in the past.

TROY Perhaps she will find you a handsome and masculine attorney who, convinced of your innocence, will set you free in the eleventh hour.

CINDY I want to be set free in the first hour!

SOUND DOOR OPENS

CINDY [eep!]

TROOPER1 All right, you're free to go.

CINDY I ...am?

TROOPER1 Found them. They're fine.

CINDY But the blood?

TROOPER1 Minor accident with a drill. All cleared up now.

CINDY So I can - go? Go back to my writing?

TROOPER1 [up close and personal] From the state of you, you need a long hot soak in a scented tub, with candles, and maybe a hot oil massage.

CINDY [breathless, hopeful] Really?

TROOPER1 [flippant] That's what your agent suggested, anyway. We can get you to a nice hotel where you can--

CINDY No. I'm going to stay right here and finish my new book, and you can't stop me. [losing her edge] You can't stop me, can you?

TROOPER1 Do what you want. You'll be all alone - at least for the night. The crew should be back by mid-morning, though.

CINDY All the more reason to use my time wisely. Bye, now!

TROOPER1 Oh, and watch out for the ghost!

CINDY [gasp!]

MUSIC

SCENE 15. THE HAUNTING

CINDY What time is it?

TROY Nearly 4 am. Long past the witching hour, now is truly the dead of night. The darkest hour just before dawn.

CINDY Dawn is at 6:43 a-m today.

TROY Ah! Then the darkest hour is yet to come.

CINDY Well, I'm a good 150 pages in, anyway.

SOUND SCREECH

CINDY What--?

TROY A night bird, perhaps?

SOUND SCREECH, LOUDER

TROY No, it's--

CINDY The ghost!

TROY Hide yourself! Cover your ears!

CINDY No! The only way to conquer this sort of phantasm--

SOUND SCREECH

CINDY [losing steam rapidly] Is to... face it down?

TROY You are so brave. And so beautiful.

CINDY Thank you. I needed that.

TROY Of course.

SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN

SOUND SCREECH

CINDY [Screams - much like she is falling, much like the squeak]

MUSIC

SCENE 16. FALSE ENDING ONE

CINDY [waking up noises, eep]

REGIA See. Told you she'd be fine. Cindy-- [trying not to laugh] The look on your face! It was priceless. Here, I caught it - see?

SOUND PHONE BEING OPENED, PICTURES SCROLLED THROUGH

CINDY What are you doing here? What happened?

MANDY I just won a bet, is what happened. Now you've got to make nice to every one of George's friends.

CINDY What do you mean? I still have time--

REGIA You've been dead to the world for over 10 hours, which brings your window of opportunity to a nice tidy close. Sorry about that, but you should learn to pace yourself.

CINDY But it's nearly completed - that MUST count for something!

REGIA This file on your laptop? The one that just repeats the same ten lines over and over. Very Stephen King, but not really marketable, sweetheart.

CINDY I didn't! Let me see! Oh, god, what have I done?

MANDY Yes, that's one of them.

CINDY You rigged it, didn't you?

REGIA What? Why would I do that?

CINDY The two of you - you were in it together, conspiring to make me ... to force me to lose!

REGIA [Laughing] Well, we did hire a couple of guys.

MANDY They were more than ready to help.

CINDY But why?

MANDY A single woman is an embarrassment. It's just a fact.

CINDY This is all just to convince me to find a man?

REGIA Pretty much.

CINDY Troy? Where are you--?

MANDY Troy's not real. You must realize that.

CINDY [Screams - much like she is falling]

MUSIC

SCENE 17. FALSE ENDING 2

SOUND TAPPING AWAY ON KEYS

CINDY [mutters] And she spent the rest of her days locked up in a padded cell, demanding that someone find Troy and get him to come and visit her. The end.

TROY Most excellent. You will surely win your bet.

CINDY [melodrama] Somehow, the bet is unimportant, now. I've really grown through writing this. I can see that my life will be different - better - if I let myself deal with people on a one to one basis. If I forge a meaningful relationship with a good man.

TROY Then you will no longer need me?

CINDY I will always need you, Troy!

TROY Oh, Cindy!

CINDY [Screams in ecstacy - still sound much like she is falling]

MUSIC

SCENE 18. THE ENDING

REGIA And that's how it ends. It's really--

MANDY Really?

REGIA A steaming heap of poo.

MANDY [very disappointed] Ohh.

REGIA It'll still sell millions.

MANDY But she worked so hard--

REGIA Yeah, yeah. And it has the huge advantage of being the last thing she wrote. Lucky we were able to recover anything from the laptop at all - since she took it with her when she made that leap off the lighthouse.

CLOSING

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

A 1953 prediction of "virtual reality" AND "reality reality".

Ask Mrs. Freda Dunny where her home town is. Go on - we dare you.

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a short story by J. Anthony Ferlaine (published in Fantastic Universe, November 1956) .

Cast List

• Smiling Jim Parsons - J. Christopher Dunn
• Fred Dunny - Julie Hoverson
• Gertie - Tanja Milojevic (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind)
• Don Phillips - Glen Hallstrom

Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)

Editing and Sound: Neil Gustin of Twilight Audio Theatre

Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

Much thanx to Librivox and Project Gutenberg for curating stories, like this one, that have passed into the public domain.

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a TV Studio in 1956 - can't you tell?"

*************************************

One out of ten

This was a quick little adaptation from a story I read for Atomic Julie's Galactic Bedtime Stories. It didn't take much to adapt, just a few tweaks, and I think I had to add in the actual questions, since that was just a "dot dot dot" in the story. Otherwise, this one basically wrote itself.

Atomic Julie, though, was my idea for some filler that has become my secondary series - I read old scifi stories that show up on Project Gutenberg - at gutenberg.org - that public domain treasure house. I started out adding music to the stories, but people expressed a preference for just the reading, so I adapted. Hey one less thing to do, right?

Few people realize that I do all Atomic Julie's as cold reads, not even looking at anything but the word count and first page beforehand, as a challenge to myself. It's also good practice.

The biggest advantage to Atomic Julie is finding stories to adapt - or stories that inspire new ideas in my head. And then I figured, if I'm going to be reading them anyway, why not read them aloud and then share them with everyone else?

*************************************

ONE OUT OF TEN

Adapted from a short story by J. Anthony Ferlaine

from _Fantastic Universe_ November 1956.

Sound and Mastering by Neil Gustin

Cast:

• Olivia - Host
• Smiling Jim Parsons (M30s), Host
• Don Phillips (M50s), commercial announcer
• Freda Dunny (F40)
• Gertie (F20s) Jim's assistant

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a television studio, in 1956 can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND COMMERCIAL RUNS IN THE BACKGROUND

DON PHILLIPS Parlor Quiz!

JIM What's on the menu tonight, Gertie?

GERTIE We have five possibles. Here.

SOUND INDEX CARDS FLIPPED THROUGH

GERTIE Don't want to run short again.

JIM Noooo. Anything really juicy?

GERTIE Let's see - [listing off people] kooky name; too many kids; unusual job - she's a taxidermist; oh, here's one - interesting relative, no details; and this top one you're really gonna want to see.

SOUND SNATCH CARD

JIM "Ask her where she's from"?

GERTIE Guess.

JIM I'm no good at guessing. Alaska?

GERTIE Nope.

JIM Timbuktu?

GERTIE Trust me.

SOUND FANFARE

JIM Holy crow, that's me. [mock teasing] Am I beautiful?

GERTIE Turn. Yup. Twenty-four karat gold.

JIM That's me!

SOUND DOOR OPENS, NOISE LOUDER. FOOTSTEPS UNDER.

DON PHILIPS [on P.A.] ... And now, on with the show! And here, ready to test your wits, is your quizzing quiz master, Smiling Jim Parsons.

SOUND MUCH APPLAUSE, THEN LOWERS

JIM [ON] Good afternoon! Here we go again with another half hour of fun and prizes on television's newest, most exciting, game, 'Parlor Quiz.' In a moment I'll introduce you to our first contestant. But first here is a special message to all you mothers ...

SOUND AD PLAYS

DON PHILIPS [on P.A.] Children constipated? Ladies, does your child have trouble with irregularity? Issues in the bathroom? Too much toilet paper? You know what I mean - trouble with a lack of movement? Try Maxi-Lax, the mother's little helper for childhood irregularity. Made with the finest England castor beans, our special patented old-world formula helps with relaxation, since often such troubles stem from tension and stress - yes, even in children - though it works just as well for big folks, too! So add Maxi-Law to your shopping list! You can thank us later! Available at your local R-X Druggist! Get that Bull Out of the Ring! Try Maxi-Lax!

SOUND APPLAUSE

JIM Now which one is--

SOUND WALKING

JIM [spotting her] Ah. No mukluks. Not even a crazy hat or wooden shoes. [to her] Mrs. Freda Dunny?

FREDA Oh, yes.

JIM You're first.

FREDA [strangely certain] I know.

SOUND AD ENDS

JIM [disconcerted] Oh. [up, to camera] Well, now, we're all set to go ... and our first contestant today is this charming little lady right here beside me, Mrs. Freda Dunny.

SOUND APPLAUSE

JIM How are you, Mrs. Dunny?

FREDA Fine! Just fine.

JIM All set to answer a lot of questions and win a lot of prizes?

FREDA Oh, I'll win all right.

SOUND LAUGHTER

JIM You sound pretty sure of yourself. [chuckles] Where are you from, Mrs. Dunny?

FREDA Mars.

SOUND LAUGHTER

JIM [a moment, then] Mars! [chuckles] Mars, Montana? Mars, Peru?

FREDA [earnest] No, Mars! Up there. The planet Mars. The fourth planet out from the sun.

SOUND UNCERTAIN LAUGHTER

JIM Well, well... well [rallying] all the way from Mars, eh? And how long have you been on Earth, Mrs. Dunny?

FREDA Oh, about thirty or forty years. I've been here nearly all my life. Came here when I was a wee slip of a girl. Not a weekend getaway, then? JIM You're practically an Earthwoman by now, then, wouldn't you say?

SOUND LOTS OF LAUGHS

JIM Do you plan on going back someday or have you made up your mind to stay here on Earth for the rest of your days?

FREDA Oh, I'm just here for the invasion. When that's over I'll probably go back home again.

JIM [blank] The... invasion?

SOUND AUDIENCE MURMURS

FREDA Yes, the invasion of Earth. As soon as enough of us are here we'll get started.

JIM You mean there are others here, too?

FREDA Oh, yes, there are several million of us here in the United States already--and more are on the way.

JIM [faltering a bit, but trying to stay "on"] There are only about a hundred and seventy million people in the United States, Mrs. Dunny. If there are seven million Martians among us, one out of every hundred would have to be a Martian.

FREDA Oh, one out of every ten. That's what the boss said just the other day. 'We're getting pretty close to the number we need to take over Earth.' [laughs]

SOUND MORE NERVOUS MURMURS, TITTERS

JIM What do you need? One to one? One Martian for every Earthman?

FREDA Oh, no. One Martian is worth ten Earthmen. The only reason we're waiting is we don't want any trouble.

JIM You don't look any different from us Earth people, Mrs. Dunny. How does one tell the difference between a Martian and an Earthman when one sees one?

FREDA Oh, we don't look any different. Some of the kids don't even know they're Martians. Most mothers don't tell their children until they're grown-up. And there are other children who are never told because they just don't develop their full powers.

JIM Uhh...powers?

FREDA Oh, telepathy, thought control--that sort of thing.

JIM [back to humor - this is too silly] You mean that Martians can read people's thoughts?

FREDA Sure! It's no trouble at all. It's very easy really, once you get the hang of it.

JIM [joking] Can you read my mind?

FREDA Sure! That's why I said that I'd know the answers. I'll be able to read them in your mind when you look at that sheet of paper.

JIM Now, that's hardly sporting, is it, Mrs. Dunny? Everybody else has to do it the hard way and here you are reading it from my mind?

FREDA [complacent] All's fair in love and war.

JIM Tell me, Mrs. Dunny. Why are you telling me about all this? Isn't it supposed to be a secret?

FREDA Why not? Nobody believes me anyhow. Besides, I have my reasons.

JIM [grave] Oh, I believe you, Mrs. Dunny. But we need to take a quick break and consult the rules - mind-reading might be fair in love and war, but this is television!

SOUND AD COMES ON

JIM I'll be right back, Mrs. Dunny.

FREDA I know.

JIM [really disconcerted] Right.

SOUND APPLAUSE

SOUND DASHES OFF

JIM Gertie?

GERTIE I've been on the phone with the big brass. They don't take it very seriously, but they did say I should pull out packet 13 for her.

JIM [baffled] Packet 13?

GERTIE You know the one sealed and certified, in case of cheats like that fellow a few years back? No one knows a single question in here until we break the seal.

JIM But what if she--?

GERTIE I asked! They said if she wins - well, gosh she wins.

JIM Even if she manages to ace the whole ten?

GERTIE Yup. They figure the publicity is worth it. And you're on!

SOUND JIM DASHES AGAIN

DON PHILLIPS It looks like we have a decision!

JIM Well, Mrs. Dunny, we scoured the rulebook, and couldn't find a darn thing to stop you. Guess there's just no precedent for mind-reading.

SOUND LAUGHTER

FREDA Of course.

JIM And now, let's see how you do on the questions. Are you ready?

SOUND RIP OF ENVELOPE, CARDS PULLED OUT

FREDA Oh, yes!

SOUND AUDIENCE MURMURS

JIM I should point out, even I haven't seen these questions and answers before this very moment, so there's no possibility of collusion.

SOUND APPLAUSE

JIM Name the one and only mammal that has the ability to fly.

FREDA A bat.

JIM Right! Did you read that from my mind?

FREDA Oh, yes, you're coming over very clear!

FADING INTO MONTAGE SCENE - TICK TOCK MUSIC, FADE OUT BETWEEN EACH PAIR

JIM A princess is any daughter of a sovereign. What is a princess royal?

FREDA The eldest daughter of a sovereign.

SOUND APPLAUSE

JIM Is a Kodiak a kind of simple box camera; a type of double-bowed boat; or a type of Alaskan bear?

FREDA A bear.

SOUND APPLAUSE

JIM And finally, who directed the 1925 silent film "The Crowd?"

FREDA King Vidor.

JIM [shaken] Very good. That was a tough one. Don Phillips, tell the lady what she's won!

DON PHILLIPS [in the background] You get a lovely modern cyber-electric garbage disposal and a lovely gas range, provided by Savannah Ranges of Burbank.

JIM Gertie? What just happened?

GERTIE I dunno! The impossible?

SOUND FREDA APPROACHES

FREDA Mr. Parsons? Perhaps you could help me carry my prizes to the car. After all this is finished.

JIM [almost robotic] Of course.

FREDA You're such a nice fellow.

GERTIE You're what? [incredulous] Helping? Jim?

JIM [snapping back, searching for an excuse] I ... I just have to find out who put her up to this.

GERTIE Sure.

MUSIC SURGES, THEN RECEDES

DON PHILLIPS join us tomorrow for another round of Parlor Quiz!

GERTIE Jim! Morty Howard of Savannah Ranges has been calling for the last twenty minutes, to confirm the win, and wants an assurance that he won't have to shell out another one for at least three months.

JIM Later.

SOUND HE TROTS OFF

GERTIE [calling after him] Jim?

SOUND OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS. DISTANT TRAFFIC

JIM [calling] Mrs. Dunny?

FREDA [satisfied chuckle]

JIM I want to talk to you!

FREDA When do I get the gas stove?

JIM uh... It should be delivered in a few days. Did you leave us your address?

FREDA Oh, yes. My Philadelphia address, that is. I don't even remember my address at home any more.

JIM Come, now, Mrs. Dunny. You don't have to keep up that Mars business now that we're off the air.

FREDA It's the truth.

JIM But--

FREDA [cutting him off] And I didn't come here just by accident.

JIM No?

FREDA I came here to see you.

JIM Me?

SOUND PURSE OPENED, RUMMAGING, PAPER NOISE

FREDA Ah, there it is. [up] Yes, I came to see you. And you didn't follow me out here because you wanted to. I commanded you to come.

JIM [spluttering but worried] Commanded me to come! What for?

FREDA To prove something to you. Do you see this piece of paper?

SOUND PAPER SHAKEN

JIM It's blank.

FREDA Well, that side is. This side has my address.

JIM So...?

FREDA I am reading the address. Concentrate on what I'm reading.

JIM [unable to stop] Two fifty-one South Eighth Street!

FREDA You see, it's very easy - once you get the hang of it.

JIM Oh. [realizing] Oh! [beat, then kind of pleased] Let me see you home, Mrs. Dunny. I guess we have a lot to talk about.

CLOSER

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

Finding an advanced alien machine could change the course of history, right?

HALLOW'S EVE

Good intentions may pave the way to ruin, but when Fran - a precocious 11-year old - sets out to rescue what she fervently hopes is a kidnapped child, Halloween may never be the same!

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

• Fran - E. Vickery
• Bobbie - M. Lane
• Officer Hooper - S. Connor
• Grigg - C. Hornaday
• Bool - B. Poole
• Kidnappers - J. Harvey & Mr. Synyster
• Timmy & Billy - B. Lomatewama & R. LeBoeuf
• Mrs. Hooper - A. Kirby
• Thompson - S. Hoverson
• Ari & News Report - J. Hoverson

Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)

Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio

Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson

Cover Photo: Jeff Mackay (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a suburban street, where else would you find...goblins?"

*****************************************

This was one of the original episodes I had ready for the 2008 Halloween season. It's set in a sort of 1950s era of classic monster movies. I never actually specify that, but references to bobby socks and Corliss Archer (an old time radio show) should be a bit of a clue.

One silly thing I should note in here is Fred and Bob (and in other episodes June and Kathy as well) - these are my generic names for extra characters who speak but don't really have personalities, and show up in surprising numbers if you look over the cast lists for a lot of my shows. I found that I would waste time trying to come up with interesting names for all these background characters, and lose my train of thought and it would stall my writing, so I just dub the first such characters Bob and Fred for males and June and Kathy for females, and move on. Later, they may become more specific and get real names, but often enough they just remain half generic. I also find it makes them slightly easier to keep track of than "man1" or "woman B"

Naming characters is often half the fun. You see me play with names in many of my shows - D. Meeks in "A Stitch in Time", where Dougie jokes about "D. Meeks inheriting de Earth," or the way so many people in the vampire world of "The Big Dark" took new "vampire names" that are some variation on the characters from Stoker's Dracula.

The names of episodes are often some kind of pun or inference, as well. Not so much Hallow's Eve, but The Big Dark is a riff on The Big Sleep (which was a euphemism for death, in the Chandler novel), and the most difficult title to explain "Crumping The Devil" - crumping being a sort of hip hop adjacent challenge dance, conflated with my vague memory of story about an old woman Mrs. Crump who was so awful the devil wouldn't even take her.

*****************************************

ALL HALLOW'S EVE

Cast:

• Olivia, host
• Barbara "BOBBIE" Chandler [16], babysitter
• TIMMY Martin, child [9]
• FRAN Hooper, child [10]
• BILLY Jones, child [8]
• OFFICER HOOPER [30s]
• HOOPER [30s]
• GRIGG [alien] [adult]
• BOOL [alien child]
• FRED [30s], a thug
• BOB [30s], a thug
• ARI [8], kidnapped child
• THOMPSON [50s]
• RADIO VOICE

MUSIC

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a suburban street, can't you tell? Where else would you find "goblins"?

MUSIC SOMETHING CHILDLIKE

SCENE 1. OUTSIDE, STREET

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, COSTUMES

BOBBIE There you go, that one's got a light, now shh!

SOUND CRUNCHING OF LEAVES, THEN FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD.

BILLY [giggles]

TIMMY Shh!

SOUND DOORBELL RINGS. DOOR CREAKS OPEN.

1. THOMPSON [deep spooky voice] Yeeees?

CHILDREN Trick or Treat!!!

1. THOMPSON [regular voice, pleased] Well, you kids! Hey Martha, come and look, we've got a ghost and a clown and -- and what are you, little boy?

FRAN I'm a girl. And I'm a Martian.

1. THOMPSON [amused] Well, fancy that! An invasion right here on our street! Martha...?

MUSIC

SCENE 2. INSIDE, HOUSE

MRS. HOOPER Looks like we've got more goblins coming, dear!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

RADIO VOICE --in the five county manhunt for--

OFFICER HOOPER Just a minute, hun. Gotta see what they're saying--

RADIO VOICE --involved in the Stanopopolus kidnapping-- [continues under]

MRS. HOOPER It's not your case. And it's Halloween. Just because Bobbie was kind enough to take Fran with her doesn't let you off for holiday spirit. At least until you go on shift.

SOUND SNAP. RADIO OFF.

SOUND DOORBELL.

MRS. HOOPER Well?

MUSIC

SCENE 3. OUTSIDE, STREET

BOBBIE Come on punkins, you must be getting tired by now!

BILLY [very tired] I'm not!

TIMMY I slept all day.

FRAN [raring to go] I only have half a bag. We can't stop yet!

BOBBIE It's almost 9 o'clock! No one will be up much longer.

CHILDREN Please!

BOBBIE All right. Three more houses. That's all.

FRAN Big houses always have the best treats. We should go to the Palmer's, the Winchell's and that big one on the corner.

BILLY On the corner? But, that's ... that's the haunted house!

TIMMY Scaredy cat.

FRAN Phooey! It was just empty. I saw someone moving in yesterday.

BOBBIE If they just moved in, they're probably not--

TIMMY Let's make Billy go into the haunted house!

BOBBIE No! Timothy--

BILLY No! I don't wanna--

FRAN Shut up! It's not haunted. Boys are dumb.

BILLY Not haunted?

BOBBIE Look, it's getting cold out here, so let's get a move on, whichever houses you plan to go to. OK?

MUSIC

SCENE 4. ON PORCH

SOUND TENTATIVE KNOCK ON THE DOOR

BILLY [scared, but hiding it - relieved] No one home!

FRAN I hear something!

SOUND DOOR OPENS SLOWLY

CHILDREN [Gasp]

BOBBI Well, he looks normal enough.

GRIGG [weird foreignish accent] Help you may I?

TIM [giggles] He's funny.

FRAN We're here for candy. Trick or treat.

GRIGG Please?

BOBBIE Oh, gosh, you're foreign aren't you? They might not even DO trick or treat where he comes from.

FRAN You have to give us candy or we have to play a trick on you!

BOBBIE That's hardly fair if he doesn't know the rules. Plus, you said it yourself, they just moved in.

GRIGG Candy? Schweets? I have--

BOOL [child's voice, off mike, accented] I want to go home! I hate it here! Take me home! [Tails off into gibberish with lots of Ls and Ss]

GRIGG [agitated] My child. He wants to go back to our old home. He is not used to this one. I should go to him.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

TIMMY [beat] I don't want any foreign candy anyway.

FRAN Bobbie?

BOBBIE No arguments. Time to go home.

MUSIC

SCENE 5. BOBBIE'S ROOM

SOUND TAP ON WINDOW

BOBBIE Hank?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

BOBBIE Hank, this is hardly--

SOUND WINDOW OPENS

BOBBIE Who's that? You're too short for Hank.

FRAN [whispered] It's me.

BOBBIE [sarcastic] So it's The Whisperer?

FRAN Me! Fran!

BOBBIE Fran? By Crosby, this is way too late for you to be out playing Halloween jokes, even on a Saturday night. You need to get home - your parents will be worried sick.

FRAN Dad's on patrol.

BOBBIE Oh, great, then he'll be the one to arrest you for something.

FRAN Did you listen to the radio at all tonight?

BOBBIE Only Corliss Archer. Gee, she has some trouble with--

FRAN Argh! The news?

BOBBIE Why?

FRAN The kidnapping news!

BOBBIE Look, let me get my penny loafers on and I'll walk you home.

FRAN The son of a Greek raccoon was kidnapped today. No, that's not right. Raccoon, typhoon--

BOBBIE Tycoon?

FRAN A rich guy. He was kidnapped from their hotel room.

BOBBIE Was he a tycoon, or just a millionaire?

FRAN [whispered with emphasis] IT DOESN'T MATTER. We heard him, and we need to go rescue him.

BOBBIE We did what?

FRAN The kid at the haunted house. Screaming "I want to go home"? Does that maybe put some thought into that teased-up skull of yours?

BOBBIE They did sound awfully foreign, but I'm not sure if it's Greek.

FRAN Well it ain't Spanish or Chinese. Or French. What else is there?

BOBBIE Don't say "ain't" - it ain't in the dictionary.

FRAN Are you coming, or am I going by myself?

BOBBIE Why me?

FRAN Who else? Timmy? [dismissive noise] Besides, you're the only one tall enough to see in the windows.

MUSIC

SCENE 6. OUTSIDE, YARD

SOUND CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES

BOBBIE OK, this is silly. And dirty. I'm walking‑‑

FRAN No, we have to crawl! They'll see us!

BOBBIE No one's looking!

FRAN But the window's open, they'll hear us. [panic] Shh! Did you hear that?

BOBBIE [beat, listening, then dismissively] No.

FRAN [grumpy] Ok. Walk to the window. Get spotted. See if I care.

SOUND WALKING CAREFULLY ON GRAVEL. BUSHES RUSTLE

BOBBIE Fran?

FRAN [off, loud whisper] I'm coming. Keep your hair on.

BOBBIE Don't worry-- Shh!

SOUND LOUD RUSTLE

SOUND [FROM INSIDE] CLICK, FOOTSTEPS

NOTE: BOOL AND GRIG ARE INSIDE, HEARD THROUGH A WINDOW, WHILE BOBBIE AND FRAN ARE OUTSIDE. EAVESDROPPING

BOOL I down wanna be here. Go home.

GRIGG "don't", not "down", child. You need talk some good words, living here.

BOOL No talk. No stay. Home!

GRIGG Home is soon enough. Soon as requirement is received.

FRAN [coming on, loud whisper] What are they saying?

BOBBIE Shh!

BOOL [speaks foreign]

BOBBIE Is that Greek?

FRAN Oh, sure, I'm the expert.

GRIGG [angry] English. Need to hear normal!

BOBBIE [muttered] Like your English is so good, mister.

GRIGG People must not apprehend you are strange.

FRAN Shh.

GRIGG Sleep, child. Dream of home.

BOBBIE Now that's just mean.

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

FRAN See? We've got to rescue him!

BOBBIE But what if--?

FRAN What if he turns up dead like little Charlie Lindburgh? How you gonna feel then?

BOBBIE You need to stop reading those crime books.

FRAN Argh! Fine. Boost me up, and you can go. I'll figure something out!

BOBBIE No. I-- I'll help, but only if the kid wants to come. That's where I draw the line - if he wants to stay, then we'll just... let your dad know and leave it at that.

FRAN Fine, but who's gonna ask him? Better do it now, or he might fall asleep.

BOBBIE [sigh, then voice raised a bit, calling quietly] Little boy?

BOOL [off, gasp]

BOBBIE We're here to --

FRAN [prompting, whisper] --to take you home.

BOBBIE We're here to take you home!

BOOL [off] Home?

SOUND SCUFFLE AS HE ROLLS OUT OF BED AND RUNS TO THE WINDOW

FRAN Yes, home! Don't you wanna go home?

BOBBIE Your parents must be worried sick about you.

BOOL What is *lala* parents? Want home!

FRAN Come on then, we'll get you out of there. Bobbie, give him a boost.

BOBBIE [sigh]

MUSIC

SCENE 7. OUTSIDE

SOUND NIGHT NOISES, WALKING ON SIDEWALK

BOOL [squeak]

SOUND MILD SCUFFLE

FRAN Put it on! They won't look twice at us if we got masks on!

BOBBIE It is a little late for--

FRAN So they'll worry, but they won't--

GRIGG [way off, unearthly shriek]

FRAN Eep! That sounds like--

BOOL [squeak]

BOBBIE What if he has a car?

FRAN Then we duck into the bushes - honestly, does every girl lose her brains when she grows into angora?

BOBBIE It's Acrilon.

GRIGG [slightly closer, shriek]

FRAN Run!

BOOL [squeak, ends in gasp]

SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

MUSIC

SCENE 8. OUTSIDE, A LITTLE LATER

BOBBIE [whispered] Do you hear anything?

FRAN [listens, then whispered] Nope.

BOOL [whispered squeak]

BOBBIE [comforting whispers] Shh. It'll be o-k, kid. All we have to do is get you safe and then-- [sudden thought] Say, Fran, what is the plan? Where are we taking this poor kid?

FRAN [whispered, sarcastic] I thought we'd just lie here under this bush until morning and hope it doesn't rain.

BOOL [a bit too loud] What is *lala* rain?

BOBBIE Rain makes-- [whispered] Rain makes you wet. We should take him to your father. He'll know what to do to get him home.

BOOL [plaintive wail, way too loud] Home!

FRAN [whispered] Great. Now you've set him off again. We can't go to pop, cause - being a cop and all - he might just deduce I sneaked out.

BOOL Holme! Home!

BOBBIE [whispered] Well, you did.

FRAN [exasperated noise, then] Ssh!

BOOL Home-- [cut off in mid-word as a hand is clapped over his mouth, then a squeak]

FRAN [whispered] His parents must be worried sick about him-- we need to get him h-o-m-e.

BOBBIE [whispered] To Greece? [sarcastic] I'm pretty sure my folks' car doesn't have that much gas.

FRAN [whispered] See? There's still a little smarts under all that fluff! They're stopping at a hotel downtown.

BOBBIE [whispered] Which one?

FRAN [whispered] The news didn't say - there can't be that many, can there?

BOBBIE [exasperated] Ohhhh!

BOOL [muffled squeak]

GRIGG [distant, shriek]

FRAN [whispered] What is that weird guy doing? He's not exactly sneaky.

BOBBIE [whispered] Someone's going to--

SOUND CAR PULLS UP, SINGLE WHOOP OF SIREN

FRAN [normal voice, resigned] --Call my dad.

BOBBIE It's probably for the best - this bush isn't doing my Acrilon any good.

FRAN All right, but--

GRIGG [closer, shriek]

BOOL [squeak]

BOBBIE It's all right little boy, we won't let the scary man take you away.

MUSIC

SCENE 9. INSIDE, HOUSE

SOUND RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

FRED No way! How could they have found us?

BOB Stay cool. It's Halloween, it could be anything.

SOUND WINDOW SASH GOES UP

BOB [worried] Stop it.

SOUND REVOLVER HAMMER CLICKS BACK

FRED But it's parked right outside! I'm not going down for this! Go check on the kid.

MUSIC

SCENE 10. OUTSIDE, STREET

GRIGG [shriek]

OFFICER HOOPER Ok, that's enough.

GRIGG [caught in mid-shriek] *Haysa?* [deep breath] What?

OFFICER HOOPER It's much too late, even on Halloween, to be running around screaming. Time to go home and sleep it off, pal.

GRIGG Sleep, what? I am missing child. Must find. Child will listen me. [starts to shriek]

OFFICER HOOPER [cutting off the shriek] Hey! I'm figuring you're new around here, so you may not understand how we do things in the U-S of A, but if your kid's gone missing, you need to let the authorities - that's me - know about it, so we - I - can help you.

GRIGG Help? Too many wordsssss. [wail] Bool!

BOOL [slightly off, squeak]

OFFICER HOOPER Eh?

FRAN [slightly off] SHH!

OFFICER HOOPER What the--?

GRIGG Bool!

OFFICER HOOPER Fran?

SOUND GUNSHOT

BOBBIE [Scream]

BOOL [squeak, quickly muffled]

GRIGG Bool!

OFFICER HOOPER Get down!

FRAN Bobbie, get the kid out of here!

OFFICER HOOPER That you, Barbara Chandler? Don't you move a muscle!

SOUND GUNSHOT

GRIGG [voice no longer sounds remotely human] WHAT IS THAT NOISE?

OFFICER HOOPER Stay down, sir, and let me handle this.

SOUND QUICK GRAPPLE

GRIGG [intense] YOU ME TELL - IS WEAPON? HURT MY CHILD?

BOBBIE Heavens to Bette Davis, Fran, it's the kid's real dad!

FRAN Phooey.

BOOL [long squeak]

OFFICER HOOPER [forced calm, but furious underneath] As long as they stay behind my car there, they will be fine, now let go of me and let me stop the idiot who's been shooting up my town.

GRIGG SHOOT ARE GUN ARE DANGER?

OFFICER HOOPER That's my job. You stay here, and when it's clear, you can go to your kid. [raising his voice] Bobbie! You get those children down behind the car, you hear?

BOBBIE Yes, sir, Officer Hooper!

OFFICER HOOPER [calling] You're still in trouble. [to Grigg] You. Stay.

MUSIC

SCENE 11. INSIDE, HOUSE

SOUND RADIO PLAYS UNDER

BOB You idiot! They weren't here for us!

FRED They won't take me alive! Federal pen? Uh-uh!

BOB Fine. You play at O-K Corral. I'll be out of the line of fire.

FRED [cold, commanding] Don't.

BOB What? You gonna shoot me, now?

FRED Bring the kid out here. We can still do this.

BOB Yeah, we give him back, and they take us alive. I like that - the being alive part.

FRED Get him!

MUSIC

SCENE 12. OUTSIDE HOUSE

OFFICER HOOPER Throw out your guns and come out with your hands up!

FRED [calling from inside] We've got the kid. Walk away or we kill him.

OFFICER HOOPER [calling to off] That's not going to happen. Let the kid go and I'll put in a good word for you.

FRED [from inside] I've got all the words I need, copper!

ARI [from inside] ow!

FRAN That must be the real Greek tyfoon's son,

OFFICE HOOPER [warning] Fran!? I told you to--

FRAN Pop! I'm going to be a policeman when I grow up, so I figure I should start learning.

OFFICER HOOPER No, you're not, and you shouldn't. This isn't a game. Get back over there--

SOUND GUNSHOT

BOTH [react]

FRAN He hasta run out of bullets ... eventually.

OFFICER HOOPER And how many guns does he have?

FRAN Huh? [shrug] I dunno. [realizing] Oh.

OFFICER HOOPER See? Now, get back--

SOUND GUNSHOT

OFFICER HOOPER [fading out] Oh, heck. Stay right here. On this spot, young lady.

MUSIC

SCENE 13. INSIDE, HOUSE, BUT HEARD FROM OUTSIDE

SOUND RADIO PLAYS UNDER

BOB [fading in] You've got the kid, you've got the gun. Let me go.

FRED Like you say, I've got the kid and the gun - what do I need you around for, ya bum?

BOB Good. [raising his voice] I'm coming out coppers! I'm giving myself up!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS

SCENE 14. OUTSIDE, SHIFT OF PERSPECTIVE, BUT NO ACTUAL SCENE BREAK

BOB Don't shoot!

SOUND BOB TAKES THREE MORE STEPS, THEN--

SOUND GUNSHOT

BOB Argh!

SOUND BODY FALLS

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

MOMENT OF SILENCE

FRAN Is that guy ... dead?

OFFICER HOOPER Dammit, I can't even go check.

GRIGG [incoherent, alien tongue]

OFFICER HOOPER Oh, jeez, not you too? [speaking slow] Go back. Your child is safe. Bobbie has him, over there.

GRIGG [deep breath, then equally slowly] This you child?

FRAN I'm Fran. I'm really really sorry about--

OFFICER HOOPER Yes. Much as I may want to deny it, she has my nose.

FRAN [not getting it] Huh?

GRIGG Much words. You child?

FRAN He don't speak much English, do he?

OFFICER HOOPER [sigh] Yes. Mine.

BOOL [squeak]

SOUND SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS

SOUND GUNSHOT

BOOL [Screamy squeak]

SOUND BODY DROP

FRAN [running off] Hey! Kid!

OFFICER HOOPER Fran! No!

SOUND [after a moment] SCUTTLING COMING CLOSER

FRAN [breathing hard] Here. I think he's OK.

BOOL [whimpering]

GRIGG My child!

OFFICER HOOPER Fran, dammit!

FRAN What? He coulda got shot!

MUSIC

SCENE 15. INSIDE, HOUSE

SOUND RADIO ON IN BACKGROUND

FRED Kid, you speak English?

ARI A little.

FRED You know I'm gonna shoot you if you don't do everything I say?

ARI Yes.

FRED Good.

MUSIC

SCENE 16. OUTSIDE

GRIGG Your child is brave heart.

OFFICER HOOPER That's one word for it.

GRIGG She bring safe my Bool.

OFFICER HOOPER Um, yeah. Dammit. I can't tell where that guy is.

GRIGG Some child is hurted there?

FRAN Stolen. Like we did, except we were only trying to help.

GRIGG [decisive] I help bring child to home.

OFFICER HOOPER At least you're an adult, even if you can't understand English. [talking loud again] We go in. You go left - that way - I go right. Get to wall, up against it, then to door.

GRIGG Ahhhh.

OFFICER HOOPER Does he understand?

FRAN I guess. He's nodding.

OFFICER HOOPER You don't come with us.

FRAN But I--

OFFICER HOOPER Give me your hand.

FRAN Are you giving me a gun?

OFFICER HOOPER [heavy sigh]

SOUND HANDCUFFS SLAP ON WRIST, THEN ON DOOR HANDLE

FRAN Hey!

OFFICER HOOPER Now you'll stay put. [sigh] I'm leaving the key here, in case.

SOUND KEY PUT DOWN ON CAR

OFFICER HOOPER Out of reach. [loud, to Grigg] We go.

SOUND RUNNING FEET, OFF IN TWO DIRECTIONS

SOUND AFTER THEY LEAVE, JINGLE OF STRUGGLING WITH HANDCUFFS

FRAN [grunting] Uun uun. Darn it.

SOUND SCRABBLING ON THE CAR HOOD, TRYING TO STRETCH

FRAN Hey, Bool?

BOOL Bool!

FRAN Yeah, [talking slow] I'm Fran.

BOOL Flan?

FRAN Good enough. Can you hand me that?

BOOL [Hmm noise]

FRAN [slowly again] Give to me?

BOBBIE [coming on] You're still here! Let's get going.

SOUND REACTION INCLUDING RATTLE OF THE HANDCUFFS

FRAN How'd you--?

BOBBIE I went around the block. I'm no dummy.

FRAN Brilliant! We should--

BOBBIE You are not talking me into any more shenanigans.

FRAN [whispered] Bool, get the key! [Up] Huh? No, of course not... I --

BOBBIE Are you -- chained to the car?

BOOL Kaaaay?

FRAN [too bright] No! Whatever gave you that idea? [whispered] Bool!

BOBBIE Oh--

SOUND SMALL METAL SCRAPE

BOBBIE --so this isn't the key?

FRAN Oh -- Drat!

BOOL [squeak]

FRAN Boo-ul!

MUSIC

SCENE 17. OUTSIDE, AROUND HOUSE

SOUND RUSTLE IN A BUSH

OFFICER HOOPER [muttered] Ok, mister rat bastard kidnapper, let me get a look atcha.

GRIGG [off] Go?

OFFICER HOOPER [muttered] Oh, good, you know one word. [up, calling very quietly] Make a noise!

GRIGG [shriek]

SOUND [OFF] CLATTER INSIDE

FRED [from inside] What the hell--?

OFFICER HOOPER Come out of there with your hands up!

FRED [from inside] What's that noise?

GRIGG [shriek]

OFFICER HOOPER [sudden idea] Uh, what noise? I don't hear anything.

FRED [from inside] What do you mean--? You didn't hear that--

GRIGG [shriek]

FRED [from inside] --that "THAT"?

OFFICER HOOPER [very pleased] Nope. Don't hear anything. They say some people are bothered more than others by [slight chuckle] haunted houses.

FRED [a bit disturbed] Haunted--?

MUSIC

SCENE 18. OUTSIDE AT CAR

BOBBIE If I unlock it, you have to come home.

FRAN [sounding almost teary] But- but our dads are in there.

BOBBIE That's what your dad does. It's his job.

FRAN But it's not Bool's dad's job.

BOBBIE Bool? Is that your name?

BOOL [sounding mournful] Chob.

FRAN See? He's upset too.

BOBBIE Is he? Tell you what, I'll get you home and then we'll call for more police.

FRAN [sniffing] But I was thinking... tsch. ohhhh.

SOUND THREE METAL TAPS - key on car

BOBBIE [thinking...] What?

FRAN [sounding really down] Nothing. Unlock me and we'll go home - [offhanded] even if we maybe COULD help.

BOBBIE Right.

FRAN Even if maybe our dads end up shot. [long sniff]

BOOL [squeaky sniff]

SOUND UNLOCKING HANDCUFF

BOBBIE Come on.

MUSIC

SCENE 19. INSIDE, HOUSE

SOUND SHUFFLING FEET AS FRED PACES NERVOUSLY, DRAGGING ARI BACK AND FORTH WITH HIM

SOUND RADIO IN BACKGROUND

FRED [to self] Haunted? Of course. That explains so much.

ARI Maybe there is ghosts?

FRED That's what haunted means, ain't it? And it's Halloween.

OFFICER HOOPER [from outside] It's late, pal. Almost the witching hour. Let's get this sorted out.

FRED Witching--?

OFFICER HOOPER [from outside] You know, midnight. Let's settle this and get that kid home safe and sound.

FRED You're going to tell me I can still get out of this, huh? What about Bob out there?

OFFICER HOOPER Oh, your friend here?

FRED Friend. [snort] yeah.

OFFICER HOOPER Hmm. Killing him on the doorway of house like that might a been a bad move.

FRED Whadda you mean? Oh!

GRIGG [long, drawn-out shriek]

FRED Oh!!

SOUND RUSTY CREAK OF DISTANT DOOR, INSIDE

FRED What the heck?

ARI [scared] Oh no!

FRED Shut up, kid. I'm trying to listen, you hear me?

ARI [gasp and sniff- trying to stay quiet]

FRED [trying to convince himself] It's those cops. They're doing this - [up, calling] You're doing this, aintcha, copper?

OFFICER HOOPER Doing what?

FRED [clinging to control] Making the damn noises!

OFFICER HOOPER [pleased with himself] What noises?

MUSIC

SCENE 20. INSIDE, HOUSE, UPSTAIRS

[NOTE, THEY WHISPER THROUGHOUT SCENE]

SOUND CREAKING MOVEMENT

BOBBIE [whispered] Frannie, if any of us end up dead, it is entirely your fault. That door was so loud.

FRAN On purpose. C'mon, the stairs are over here.

BOBBIE How do you know? This house--

FRAN Sleepover two years ago, when Jennie and Sam lived here.

BOBBIE Your father is going to kill me.

FRAN We'll be upstairs - well out of the line of fire. Now c'mon.

BOOL 'mon.

FRAN See, Bool agrees with me.

BOBBIE Yeah. Like a parrot. [sigh]

SOUND TIPTOEING FOOTSTEPS

MUSIC

SCENE 21. INSIDE, HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS

SOUND RADIO MUTTERS IN BACKGROUND

FRED [muttering] They've probably got the back door covered...

ARI [small voice] You should let me go.

FRED [about to hit him] Ahh!

SOUND CREAKING FOOTSTEPS SOUND IN WALL AND CEILING

FRED Shh! Hell! What's that?

ARI [scary whisper] Evil spirits.

FRED [gulp] Really?

ARI Maybe it is your dead friend. He is very angry, I think.

FRED [weak] Shut up.

SOUND THEIR SCUFFLING FOOTSTEPS

FRED We'll just - Let's go check it out, eh? I bet even ghosts don't like getting shot.

MUSIC

SCENE 22. INSIDE, HOUSE, UPSTAIRS

[NOTE: STILL WHISPERING]

FRAN OK, Bool, you see this vent?

BOOL See.

BOBBIE Great, now he's Spanish.

FRAN Sh. Bool, lean in and make a scary noise, like this... [she does, and the noise echoes through the vents]

BOOL [like a laugh] Ah! [leans in, mimics her noise, but it ends in his standard squeak - all echoey]

BOBBIE Did we ever figure out where Bool and his dad come from?

FRAN This isn't the time. C'mon. Now, Bobbie, you creak this door - not too often, just from time to time. Got it?

MUSIC

SCENE 23. OUTSIDE NEAR FRONT DOOR

OFFICER HOOPER OK, fella, time to come out. [a beat] Are you in there? [beat] Oh, darn it all to--, they're gone. Come on - [slow] help me break in the door.

GRIGG [yes] *Heh*.

MUSIC

SCENE 24. INSIDE, HOUSE, UPSTAIRS

FRAN I'll be right across the hall - now start.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

FRAN Eep!

BOBBIE Oh, no!

BOOL [squeak, which echoes]

FRED Ghosts, eh. Looks like I got me a bunch more bargaining chips. All of you move out here in the hall, real slow. [snarls] Get over there--

ARI [gasp]

SOUND THUD AS HE HITS THE WALL

FRED Keep your hands where I can see 'em!

FRAN [sarcastic] Of course, I might just have a gun.

SOUND SMACK

FRED Keep your mouth shut!

FRAN [gasps in real pain]

BOOL [mimics her gasp]

FRED You, too!

BOOL Flan! [squeaky growl] Lalalala!

FRED What the hell's wrong with that kid?

BOOL [growl builds]

FRED [starting to get freaked out] Stop it. What the hell?

BOBBIE Fran, is Bool glowing?

FRAN [sniff, then uncertain] Um, I think so.

BOOL [shriek which is a childish echo of Grigg's]

FRED [scream of terror]

SOUND GUNSHOT

BOBBIE, BOOL, FRAN, ARI - scream, gasp, etc.

SOUND POUNDING FEET COMING UP THE STAIRS

GRIGG [full-on shriek, deeper and very alien]

OFFICER HOOPER Holy cow! What the--?

FRED The light! No! [drawn out scream, which fades into a weird little popping noise]

BOBBIE I guess we--[gasp] might know--[gasp] where they came from, now.

OFFICER HOOPER [suspicious] Where'd he go?

GRIGG I made him nothing. He try my child hurt. Your child also.

OFFICER HOOPER Yeah, I, uh, noticed--

FRAN [excited] Are you guys Martians?

OFFICER HOOPER [exasperated] --but she's clearly fine.

GRIGG I know not Marchan.

BOOL [Part muffled, satisfied] Flan!

FRAN [just as pleased] Bool!

BOBBIE I don't know what to tell you, Mister - officer, I mean - Hooper.

OFFICER HOOPER Don't worry, I blame my daughter. [Back to Grigg] So we don't have to worry about him coming back?

GRIGG Nothing. No colme back.

OFFICER HOOPER And what exactly - well - are you?

ARI They saved us, is that not enough?

FRAN Yeah. They're "good people," as mom would say.

GRIGG No concern, Hooper man. We no stay now, you see us be do that. We find more - uh - new home.

BOOL Home? No! [plaintive] Flan!

GRIGG [softly] No, Bool. Go.

OFFICER HOOPER Tell me one thing, Grigg. You planning to invade?

GRIGG *Haysa*?

FRAN He means are you gonna bring a bunch of people here and try and take over the planet - like in the movies?

GRIGG We hide - no one come with. Bad place come away. Alone.

FRAN There!

BOBBIE Are you thinking--?

OFFICER HOOPER [considering] I'm thinking I don't want to try writing this up. Much easier if we just didn't see anything. The one guy shot the other, then when he saw it was hopeless, he skedaddled.

BOBBIE But-- what--?

FRAN I didn't see anything. You, Ari?

ARI No. I was much too frightened. He threw me against a wall and then ran off before my head cleared.

FRAN See, Bobbie?

BOOL Bah-bee?

BOBBIE That's kinda cute. Good thing I-- I didn't see anything else. Besides, anyone who would do whatever it takes to protect their kid - well, they can't be too bad.

OFFICER HOOPER You're still not babysitting for Fran ever again.

BOBBIE [truly relieved] Oh! Thank you!

FRAN Hey!

MUSIC, CLOSING

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

The finale chapter!!!

Yay!

QUESTIONS IN A DARK ROOM

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Carol wakes in a strange dark room, with a man she's never seen before - and when the questions start to fly, there's lives at stake.

CAST Carol - Beverly Poole Thaddeus - Cole Hornaday Madame Foulet - Julie Hoverson Tour Guide - Julie Hoverson

Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Cover Photos: Front - Nazareth Maceda (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a residential hotel, sometime between the two World Wars, can't you tell?"

******************************************

QUESTIONS IN A DARK ROOM

Cast:

[Olivia, host]

Carol (20F), urban songbird

Thaddeus (20-30M), deep south

Madame Foulet (50-60F), calm older lady

Crowd Noise (any)

Tour Guide (any)

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a residential hotel, can't you tell?

MUSIC CREEPS IN

NOTE: there are no definite "scene changes" in this episode - characters slide in and out of scenes without any break until the very end. Scene changes are marked only when Foulet enters and leaves

SCENE 1. DARK ROOM, SLIGHTLY ECHOEY, NO SPECIFIC ERA. CAROL SPEAKS LIKE SOMEONE FROM THE 1920s, THADDEUS IS FROM THE 1860S DEEP SOUTH

CAROL [waking up noises] Mmm. Oh. [suddenly sitting up] What! [panicking] Where--

THADDEUS Don' you worry none. You safe now.

CAROL Safe? Why--? Who are you? I-I don't know you. [rising hysteria] Is this... your room?

THADDEUS Calm yourself, now, miss. I be all the way over here. No threat to you, I promise.

CAROL But I -- how did I get here? What's going on? [whimper of pain] Ahh! My side. What.. happened?

THADDEUS Probly a bruise. You was attacked, miss. In the stairs. I spect he hit you some. I got you outta there and din't have no other place to put you. You been out cold.

CAROL [calming a bit, but still in pain] You rescued me? [deep breath] Oh, goodness that hurts. Well, thank y-- [sharp] In the stairs, you said?

THADDEUS Yes miss. I heared you start-- Well, I heared it when you screamed. The stairwell, it echoes somethin fierce.

CAROL I guess I'm lucky you were there.

THADDEUS Well, I was kind of listenin fer you, miss.

CAROL Listening?

THADDEUS [aw shucks] I got a lot of time on my hands during days, and one time a while back I heared you singin in there, so sometimes I jest ... wait.

CAROL [pleased and embarrassed] Oh. Thank you. But-- But, do you think -- the creep who attacked me... was...?

THADDEUS I don' see the papers much, miss, but even I heared about that there Stairway Stabber. I'm pretty sure that was the fella, all right.

CAROL They say he's already killed at least eight girls!

THADDEUS That they do. At least.

CAROL Oh! Oh, goodness. I - I could have been murdered!

THADDEUS [quiet] Yes'm.

CAROL You saved me?

THADDEUS I did what I could, miss. You was right out before I done got there.

CAROL I -- I don't remember ... well, anything, really. Um, what should I call you? Your name. I mean.

THADDEUS I understand, miss. You can call me Thaddeus. Tha's my name.

CAROL And you live in my building?

THADDEUS More years'n I care to count. I mostly jest keep an eye on things. Don' you worry now, I don' take up much space.

CAROL I didn't mean to imply--

THADDEUS It's understandable, miss. I don' much look like I belong here.

CAROL Please. I don't want to sound like a snob. I'm really just overwhelmed. And you can call me Carol, if you'd like. I mean, you don't have to call me "miss" all the time.

THADDEUS I'd be right pleased to, Miss Carol.

CAROL [forced laugh] Just Carol, Thaddeus. No miss. Please.

THADDEUS Don' seem quite respectful, miss Carol.

SCENE 2.

MADAME [filter] Is there anyone here?

THADDEUS By golly, she early.

CAROL What was that?

THADDEUS This lady wanna ask about what happened. She with the police.

CAROL But I don't remember--

THADDEUS And I din't see much, but we gots to talk to her. You gon' be all right? I can hep you.

CAROL [standing] Well, I'm a little wobbly, but I'm game, I guess.

SOUND: SLOW FOOTSTEPS

CAROL But, my head -- it's amnesia. I'm sure of it.

THADDEUS You might be surprised what all come back to you if a body ask the right questions. Come on now.

SOUND Door opens. Footsteps continue.

CAROL Why is the room so dark? I can barely see her.

NOTE: [unless otherwise mentioned, Madame sounds very calm and speaks almost in a sing song voice.]

MADAME Ah. [deep breath] I mean you no harm. Please come and speak with me. Am I addressing Carol Bournemouth?

CAROL Why yes. [to Thaddeus] Did you-- [puzzled] Oh... no, I only just told you my name.

THADDEUS I said she with the police. She know a lot.

MADAME Carol, I want to hear what happened to you yesterday.

CAROL Yesterday? I was knocked out for a whole day?

THADDEUS Shh now, and answer, miss Carol.

CAROL Oh. I really don't.... I don't remember a darn thing. He -- Thaddeus -- said I was attacked in the stairwell. I think I was hit on the head.

SOUND Very distant sound of someone knocking on a door.

CAROL Amnesia. I don't remember a thing! Really!

MADAME Calm down, Carol. There is no need to--

CAROL I'm...sorry.

MADAME Ah, good. Everything is all right now. You are safe. It is safe to remember. Think of it like a movie, and you are the projector. The projector can stop a movie, Carol. The projector can simply freeze on a single frame, and the movie never has to reach its end. Have you ever seen that happen, Carol?

CAROL Why is she talking like that?

THADDEUS Can they really just up and stop a movin' picture? That would be somethin' to see.

CAROL Not very exciting, really. It's -- well, it's just a slide, then.

MADAME [sharp] Carol! [calm again] I need you to concentrate. What is the last thing you remember?

CAROL [pain] Oh! [deep breaths]

SOUND Knocking on door again.

THADDEUS Just a minute, ma'am. She got a stitch.

MADAME Relax Carol. Relax. Remember, you are the projector, and the movie can stop long before anything unpleasant happens. Just take it one frame at a time, Carol. Do you remember going into the stairwell? Picture the door for me. You push open the door and step in. There are five flights of stairs below you, but you walk them every day, don't you? You walk them--

CAROL It's slimming.

MADAME You begin to walk down the stairs, just as usual. One step, then another.

CAROL The way she talks--

MADAME You pass the fourth floor door. Nothing there for you.

THADDEUS She just tryin to help.

MADAME One brisk step in front of another--

CAROL [getting agitated] But it's like-- it's like she's trying to hypnotize me!

SOUND Knocking on door, slightly louder.

MADAME Passing the baby carriage the Joneses leave tucked into the corner of the third floor landing--

THADDEUS Don' know nothin 'bout that, but I spect she think it'a help you 'member what happened.

MADAME All the way around to the next set of stairs--

CAROL STOP IT. I don't want to be hypnotized! I don't want to-- [pain] Aaagh! Whatever happened, I don't want to remember it, you hear? Do you HEAR me?

SOUND Muffled and distant: Strange thumping and crashing noises. Particularly, a noise like someone pounding on a door, and a crash of a broken glass.

SCENE 3.

THADDEUS Shh, listen, miss Carol. Shh.

CAROL What was that? Something broke?

THADDEUS Don't pay it no mind. They's some noisy neighbors in this building.

CAROL But-- It's-- it's gone now.

THADDEUS Yes'm. Never lasts. Just so long as someone done got a mad on. Then it blow over.

CAROL Oh.

THADDEUS You gon' try and answer the lady, now?

CAROL What? No, no Thaddeus, I can't. I don't remember anything, and when I try, oh, it hurts!

THADDEUS Look around. Ain't no one here gon' hurt you, and that there pain in your side - well, a bruise is jest a bruise, ain't it? Whatever caused it, that's all over now, and you safe.

CAROL Safe?

THADDEUS I swear'n I won't let no one touch you. The lady, she jest tryin to find out what you know so's the police can stop this fella.

CAROL Oh. Yes, you said she's with the police.

THADDEUS Since I never saw none of his face, you the only one who can help. You got to help stop this fella.

CAROL She looks -- awfully tired.

THADDEUS [gently] You been wearin her out a bit with your temper.

SCENE 4.

CAROL Oh. I'll try and do better. You're-- sure it's safe?

THADDEUS She said you the projector, miss Carol, you can--

MADAME [a bit gravelly] Shall we continue? Ahem. [normal, not sing song] Carol. If you will not help, please let me know. I want to work you through this, but your resistance--

CAROL I just don't know what I can do! I'm frustrated too, you know. I can't remember a thing about-- [realizing] Oh.

MADAME Yes? Continue.

CAROL I was in a hurry. On my way to a job interview. Or was that Tuesday?

MADAME Yesterday was Tuesday, yes.

CAROL Oh! So I was dashing down the stairs, quick as I could -- I'm faster than the elevator, you see. That old thing. [chuckles] I swear it's pulled by mice.

THADDEUS [chuckles]

MADAME Can you remember how far you got? Did you reach the second floor landing?

CAROL Second floor. Hmm. I -- yes! Little Billy from 203 keeps dropping gum wrappers in there, and I was thinking-- [gasp of pain]

MADAME [gasp of pain]

SOUND distant, barrage of knocks on a door.

THADDEUS Miss Carol? Miss Carol, come on -- you tough. You can do this. No old stitch gon' slow you down. Here, take my hand. Right there, now you squeeze. Squeeze out all that bad old pain.

CAROL No! No, I--

THADDEUS [hiss intake of breath] Good. You keep on squeezin long as you need.

CAROL [several quick breaths, then one deep one] I think -- Thaddeus, I think that's when he hit me. He must have hit me real hard.

MADAME [deep breath] Carol. I need to stop for now. I will return soon. While I'm gone, can you try and remember?

CAROL I'll try...

MADAME Goodbye. [NO footsteps or door]

SOUND brief, vague rumble of voices, nothing clear.

SCENE 5.

CAROL Are they having a party?

THADDEUS Who?

CAROL Your neighbors.

THADDEUS Might could be. You doin' all right?

CAROL Sorry to be such a baby about all this. When it hurts - well it really hurts.

THADDEUS I know. Get myself the same thing in my neck sometimes.

CAROL Oh? [beat, changing subject] So, do you know her? The woman asking the questions?

THADDEUS A bit. She Madame Foulet and work for police, I do know that. Some years back, she asked me a coupla questions.

CAROL About what?

THADDEUS Somethin I seen ... way back when.

CAROL She seems kind of old to be a police matron or whatever she is.

THADDEUS She one of a kind, I guess. they cain't afford to retire her.

CAROL Is she a hypnotist? Was I right?

THADDEUS I don' know nothin about that, miss. I spect you probly mostly right.

CAROL [decisive] Well. If I want this guy caught - and boy do I want him caught, especially if he's the one who killed all those girls - I better get cracking and remember something.

SOUND pacing footsteps

CAROL In the movies, if you hit your head and get amnesia, you can hit your head again to get your memory back.

THADDEUS I don' guess it work that way in real life, miss.

CAROL I have got to stop being a whiny baby about this - after all, I survived, didn't I?

THADDEUS [dubious] Well--

CAROL So, it's all in the past and I shouldn't be frightened. Oh.

SOUND: PACING STOPS

CAROL Unless he decides to come back -- to make sure I can't identify him.

THADDEUS He won't never find you now. I promise you that.

CAROL Really? You didn't...

THADDEUS Din't what, miss?

CAROL No, no. You said you never even--

THADDEUS [amused] You thinkin I mighta kilt him? I know I'm a big fella, but I cain't--

CAROL I meant it as a compliment.

THADDEUS I guess so.

CAROL Did you have to ... fight him off? I mean, to save me?

THADDEUS [distinctly uncomfortable] Nah. When he caught sight a me, he jest run.

CAROL [smiling] You do look pretty intimidating.

THADDEUS Nah. Look, you should be tryin' t'member--

CAROL [sigh] I know, but this takes my mind off it. I figure, it's like a word at the tip of your tongue. When you THINK about it SO HARD that you feel like your brain may be squeezed out your ears, it never comes. Then, the minute your mind is off it, voila! The word tumbles right out.

THADDEUS That sounds 'bout right.

CAROL I need to get into the stairwell. That'll really jog my memory.

SOUND Rapid footsteps. Doorknob turns, but doesn't open.

CAROL What? Why is the door locked?

THADDEUS I reckon it's jest stuck, miss. [worried] But you really don' wanna go into the stairwell. I- I promise you that.

CAROL Open this door! I don't like being locked in here--

THADDEUS With me?

CAROL What? No, no. No-- It's got nothing to do with you, Thaddeus. I like you. I just [SOUND: pounds once on door] don't [pound] like [pound, weakening] being [more of a smack] locked [tap] in [tap].

SCENE 6.

MADAME [slightly off mike] Good. We can begin again.

CAROL What? Where'd she...?

THADDEUS Madame said she jest needed a lil break. She didn't say she was goin' off no place.

CAROL But she was gone.

THADDEUS It's real dark in here. I never heared her go.

CAROL Then she must have listened to everything we said.

THADDEUS I spect she jest shut up her eyes and her ears and took a lil nap, miss.

MADAME May we proceed?

CAROL [sigh] Yes. [fierce] Yeah, I want this fiend drawn and quartered!

SOUND distant brief chuckle, like several people in another room.

MADAME Now, Carol. We'll start with something easy. I want you to be comfortable. I want you to remember something very pleasant.

CAROL Pleasant?

MADAME Think back to a time when you were happy.

CAROL [thinking] Oh! No, no - that's too silly.

MADAME The first thing that comes to mind, Carol.

CAROL Well, I was very sick once, when I was little - measles, I think, but I don't remember too well - Just the itching. Oh, how it itched! Mama gave me sweet tea each night she came home and didn't see any scratches on me. If I could just control myself, I could have sweet tea. [pause] Of course, I fooled her - I learned to scratch around.

THADDEUS Scratch around?

CAROL Yes. Maybe it was chicken pox. But anyway, if you scratch around the spots, it stops some of the itch, but doesn't look like you've been scratching.

THADDEUS Your best memory is of feelin poorly?

CAROL No, don't be silly. She just asked me for a memory of a happy time, and it was... oddly enough. I got sweet tea, AND I fooled my mother. [giggle]

SOUND distant chuckles

CAROL Sounds like they're having a whale of a time over there.

MADAME Very good Carol. You sound like you feel better now. I need you to keep this feeling of well-being with you while we try again.

CAROL I still don't think it will work.

THADDEUS Try.

CAROL All right.

MADAME Ignore any pain. Ignore any fear. Ignore any interruptions. Ignore any distractions. We must find this man. We must find him and stop him. [beat] You have just reached the second floor landing. What do you see, Carol?

CAROL [breathing rapidly] I see the gum wrappers. Little brat. Then a shadow. I hardly ever see people - oh! - on the stairs. [groans]

MADAME Continue, please.

THADDEUS Take my hand, Carol, jest like before. Thass a girl.

SOUND very distant knocking and shuffling noises.

CAROL [whining gasp, obviously in pain] I turn around, and there's a flash - like sunlight on water.

MADAME Ignore the flash. Look only at the face.

SOUND knocking and shuffling noises get louder, nearer.

CAROL No! No I can't - it hurts too much!

THADDEUS Yes you can. You gots to. You the only one left behind - none of them other girls can say nothin, but you - you got yourself a chance to be a hero, now.

CAROL Are you sure he can't come back and get me?

SOUND glass breaks

THADDEUS Sure as I'm sittin here wit you, miss. He cain't never even touch you - no way, no how.

MADAME Carol! Stop the movie! You need to stop it and look! Break the film in your mind, so there IS NO END. Nothing but the face.

CAROL No, I can't!

SOUND heavy pounding, neighbors getting upset.

THADDEUS Shh. Shh. You takin my hand right off, miss Carol.

SOUND ALL sounds stop abruptly.

CAROL It's a knife, isn't it?

THADDEUS Yes.

CAROL He's holding a knife, but it's on my right - my right... Oh No! Oh, Thaddeus, I'm--

SOUND distant knocking begins again.

THADDEUS That ain't nothing, miss Carol. You gots to see it's just hysteria.

SOUND Knocking gets louder

CAROL [in tears] But I'm bleeding! I have to get to a doctor!

THADDEUS They ain't no blood, miss. Not a chance of it. It's all in ya' head, see?

CAROL No, look, my side, it hurts--

THADDEUS Shh. I don' see no blood.

SOUND knocking begins to recede

CAROL No blood?

THADDEUS Not a bit of it.

CAROL [deep breath] All right. [realization] Oh! But if I saw a knife in his hand, on my right, then he must be left-handed! That's important, isn't it?

MADAME [very tired] Very ...good. I must have another rest. We shall speak again. Goodbye.

SCENE 7.

CAROL How does she do that?

THADDEUS What?

CAROL She just -- it was like she just wrapped some of the darkness around her and vanished.

THADDEUS She probly jest turned off a light. You doin all right?

CAROL No. My side hurts. I want to go home.

THADDEUS Got to finish first. This GOT to be done.

CAROL I know, but-- [begins to weep]

THADDEUS I shore do like that song Poor Papa you sing sometimes.

CAROL [surprised] What?

THADDEUS I heared you sing it over and over one day, so I got it near enough memorized myself.

CAROL [sniffs, but no longer crying] I was getting ready for an audition. No one can hear me in the stairwell, so it doesn't bother anyone if I practice there.

THADDEUS And that song -- that song is jest plain funny. When mama gets to ride in the car--

CAROL [cheering up] Oh, yes, when "papa bought a limousine, the most expensive kind, now he wears a chauffeur's suit, and mama rides behind!"

THADDEUS [laughing] Thassa one, thassa one gets me every time. One tough female, mama is.

CAROL You really listen to me?

THADDEUS Whenever I hears you in the stair, I'm there quick as all get out, tucked up high so's not to bother you or, well, make you afeared.

CAROL Oh, I'm not afraid of you.

THADDEUS You probly would be if'n we hadn't talked first.

CAROL [beat] I wish I could say you were wrong. [deep breath] Thank you.

THADDEUS Fer what?

CAROL For the distraction.

THADDEUS [teasing] Is that what I's doin? I thought I was complimentin you on your singin, thass all.

CAROL Don't act dopey.

THADDEUS You up to tryin again?

CAROL Maybe... Should we see if she'll come back?

THADDEUS Nah. Jest try right here. Maybe SHE the one makin it hard fer you to think. You come up with somethin now, you can always tell her when she come back.

SOUND PACING

CAROL [beat] This is futile.

THADDEUS Nah--

CAROL [revving up] Futile. Pointless! Hopeless!

THADDEUS You know what you needs? You needs to scratch around.

CAROL What?

THADDEUS You cain't scratch the spot what itches, cause that jest get you into trouble. Scratch around.

CAROL [realizing] Thaddeus, you're brilliant! [beat] But, how CAN I think around--?

THADDEUS Mebbe... you ever see them funny pictures with an artist, and he holdin up his thumb? How bout if you hold up ya' thumb - block out the part you gots to scratch around.

CAROL I think I see -- Just look at the edges, because the middle is too scary.

THADDEUS Yes'm.

CAROL I see the door to the second floor hallway. It's off to my left. I see the light fixture on the wall.

THADDEUS Don' worry about no lights.

CAROL Right. I see a [deep breath] a hat - no a cap, like a deliveryman would wear. It's [breathes quickly for a moment] blue- I think it's blue--

SOUND Thud, like a body drop.

THADDEUS Calm now, Miss Carol.

CAROL --and hair, blonde? Or maybe light brown.

SCENE 8.

MADAME Be calm, Carol.

CAROL Yes, a deliveryman. I remember! I was thinking it must have been a small package, since he was coming up the stairs instead of the elevator, when-- [hollow, pained] oh!

SOUND LOUDEST thumpings and rattlings yet. they CONTINUE until noted.

CAROL Oh!

THADDEUS S'all right.

CAROL Oh! No, but Thaddeus--

THADDEUS I understand. I promise you, I do.

CAROL But--

SOUND CRASH OF GLASS.

CROWD [reactions - gasps, a scream.]

CAROL But, he ... he killed me, didn't he? [beat] Didn't he Thaddeus?

SOUND Deep creaking & cracking noises.

CROWD [reacts again]

MADAME Carol. I need to end this now. Goodbye.

SOUND Sudden silence.

SCENE 9.

CAROL Thaddeus?

THADDEUS Yes, miss Carol?

CAROL [calm] I'm right, aren't I?

THADDEUS I spect you'd rather not be, but -- yes. You dead, too.

CAROL Too?

THADDEUS I wished I coulda stopped him, I truly do - but they ain't nothin much a ghost can do! Jest makin him see me was hard enough, and I was ... too late...

CAROL But, what do I do now? Do I go somewhere?

THADDEUS [rueful laugh] If'n I had an answer fer that, miss Carol, I spect I wouldn't be here talkin wit' you.

MUSIC

SCENE 10.

TOUR GUIDE [clearly reading] And here we are at stop number 12 on the haunted hotel tour, the Garibaldi Residential Suites -- rumored to be home to a plethora of ghosts, including a baby in the basement, a chain rattling spook in suite 405, a runaway slave, and the poor girl who was the final victim of the stairway stabber - and can sometimes be heard singing in the stairwells.

MUSIC

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

"Poor Papa" lyrics by Billy Rose, 1926.

******************************************

Be careful what you wish for.

Please Ouija Please

• Griswold – Tom Taverna
• Maude – Nila Hagood
• Edgar – Boyd Barrett
• Winifrid – Julie Hoverson
• Nurse 1 – Rhys Torres
• Nurse 2 – Eleiece Krawiec
• News 1 – Greg Allensworth
• News 2 – Regan Lussier

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

***************************************

This is one of my newer short audio pieces. Another one where a single scene in some movie will stick in my head and I will come up with an entirely new story - in this case, a nurse walking away, and someone sneaking out of their rooms at night. Can't even recall what movie it was, but the whole story came to me in an instant.

***************************************

Please Ouija Please

Cast:

• GRISWOLD (M, elderly) leader
• MAUDE (F, elderly) bossy
• EDGAR (M, elderly) jokester
• WINIFRID (F, elderly) worrywart
• NURSE1 & 2 (any)
• News1 & 2 (any)

MUSIC - MELANCHOLY

SCENE 1. OLD FOLKS HOME

SOUND DOOR SHUTS VERY QUIETLY

SOUND SOFT FOOTSTEPS

NURSE 1 [report, quiet] Everything's fine in here.

SOUND THEY WALK AWAY

NURSE 2 The boys have been fractious tonight. They keep claiming they have to "go home." [chuckles sadly] These senile cases. At least they aren't the type to play grabsies like frat boys.

NURSE 1 I'd hate for any of our oldies to get out and go missing like those kids from over the hill.

NURSE 2 I know. Who knows what could be happening to the poor little things?

SOUND THEY GO OUT A DISTANT DOOR, IT SHUTS

SOUND AFTER A MOMENT, A NEARBY DOOR OPENS

MAUDE [whispered] All clear.

WINIFRID [whispered] Do you see the boys?

GRISWOLD Psst!

MAUDE There they are. Stay close, Winnie!

SOUND VERY SOFT SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS

MUSIC - MYSTICAL

SCENE 2. ATTIC

SOUND MATCHES STRIKE

EDGAR [bragging] Stole these from the orderly.

WINIFRID You could have got caught!

SOUND CHALK WRITING - WITH MAUDE'S LETTERS

MAUDE A-B

GRISWOLD I was watching his back.

MAUDE C-D-E

GRISWOLD If anyone came, I was gonna fake a seizure or something. At least til Eddie got clear.

MAUDE F-G-H-I- [falters] uh--

WINIFRID J-K-L

MAUDE right. M- N-

EDGAR I couldn't find anything quite like a reader thing--

WINIFRID A planchette.

EDGAR Yeah, one of those. But maybe this would work.

MAUDE O-P-Q-R

GRISWOLD We don't want to take any chances. Not again.

WINIFRID [agreeing dolefully] Nuh-uh!

MAUDE S-T-U-

EDGAR But this - I found this magnifying glass - it can circle letters.

WINIFRID They use a little drinking glass in the movies. When they don't have a proper one.

MAUDE V-W-X-

GRISWOLD There's no time to go get anything else. And they lock up the dining hall.

EDGAR We can all touch the edges of the magnifier. It's big enough.

MAUDE Y-Z. There.

SOUND WRITING ENDS

WINIFRID [anxious] Now put yes and no.

GRISWOLD And Goodbye. NEVER forget goodbye.

SOUND WRITING AGAIN

MAUDE [sigh as she starts] Good...bye.

SOUND DRAGGING OF MAGNIFYING GLASS ACROSS GROUND.

EDGAR See?

WINIFRID That's awful noisy. Are you sure they won't hear?

GRISWOLD I don't think so.

MAUDE [writing, not responding] Yes.

EDGAR You always agree with Griswold.

MAUDE [writing, not responding] No.

WINIFRID Hush, Eddie.

MAUDE [finished] There. What? [waits] We better start. Who knows when they'll spot we're all gone.

GRISWOLD Circle up.

SOUND SCUFFLING MOVEMENT

EDGAR We all got to touch this.

SOUND MAGNIFYING GLASS SET ON FLOOR

WINIFRID Who starts?

MAUDE Griz did it before, he has to again. Do you remember who to call?

GRISWOLD Shh. [in an important voice] We are here to call on the spirits. Are there any here?

SOUND MAGNIFYING GLASS SLIDES

EDGAR [hushed but excited] Yes!

WINIFRID I didn't--!

MAUDE Shh! Go on Griz.

GRISWOLD We need to speak to the spirit we found before. The one named--

WINIFRID It's moving.

SOUND MOVING

EDGAR Spelling something!

MAUDE U-M-A-

GRISWOLD Sh. Don't say it if you don't have to.

MAUDE I wasn't saying it, I was--

GRISWOLD Shh!

WINIFRID It was the same name, I was watching.

EDGAR Me too!

GRISWOLD Are you here?

SOUND MOVING

EDGAR Yes.

WINIFRID [blurting] Please let us go home!

MAUDE Shh. You know it's not that easy.

GRISWOLD We want to reverse what happened. Can we do that?

SOUND MOVING

EDGAR [shaky and excited] Yes!

WINIFRID [whimpers]

MAUDE How? [prompting] Ask how?

GRISWOLD How can we reverse it?

SOUND MOVING

EDGAR K-

MAUDE I-

GRISWOLD L-

WINIFRID [whimpers, cries] No.

GRISWOLD Who?

WINIFRID [crying] What?

GRISWOLD [ignoring her] Who do we have to--

SOUND MOVING

MAUDE [reading] Anyone.

GRISWOLD How many? How many total?

EDGAR What?

GRISWOLD I don't want to get fooled again. Is it one for all of us, or one each?

SOUND MOVING

WINIFRID I can't!

MAUDE [reading] Only One.

EDGAR Whew.

WINIFRID No!

MAUDE [sigh] We have to, or we'll be here forever.

EDGAR And forever ain't gonna last very long. [slight whine] I want to go home, don't you, Winnie?

WINIFRID I- I- [breaking down into tears] Y-yes. I want mommy!

MAUDE Do we all have to,.. help? Or can you handle it, Griz?

GRISWOLD Me? Um. I'll ask. [clears throat] Who needs to - uh - do the killing?

SOUND MOVING

GRISWOLD [reading] No matter.

EDGAR You make it say it clear!

GRISWOLD [commanding] If I do it - kill someone - will that count for all of us so we can go home?

SOUND MOVING - ONE SHIFT

MAUDE [sharp, reading] Yes!

GRISWOLD Okay, then.

EDGAR [dubious] I-I- can help?

GRISWOLD I got us into this.

WINIFRID But Edgar made the wish.

EDGAR What?

MAUDE You are the one who said we all wanted to be older.

GRISWOLD [grim] Never mind. Let's get it over with.

EDGAR Don't forget to say--

ALL JOIN IN Goodbye.

SOUND LONG WAIT, THEN MOVING - ONE SHIFT

MUSIC

SCENE 3. NEWS

NEWS1 Breaking news tonight is the fire at the Ronson Elder Care facility that claimed three lives. No details at this time as to the cause of the conflagration. More as the story develops.

NEWS2 In other, more pleasant, news, four young siblings who have been missing in the Ronson area for almost two weeks have mysteriously found their way home.

NEWS1 I'm sure we all wish them the best.

MUSIC STING TO END

Chapter 8: forget the heavy gravity, I'm booking!

MURDER WARD

"Not guilty by reason of insanity" sounds like an easy out to murderer Edmund - but when he checks into Dr. Larson's mental hospital, he gets much more than he bargained for.

Cast List Edmund/Achilles - Kim Turner Preacher Ronald - Pat McNally Rose Connelly - Joy Jackson Hector - Cole Hornaday Dr. Larson - Marge Lutton Terrance - Greg Porter Lawyer - Sigmund Hoverson Ape man - Reynaud LeBoeuf District Attorney - Melinda Mains Also heard - Julie Hoverson

Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Cover Photos: Front - Witek Burkiewicz (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

Recorded with American Radio Theater

"What kind of a place is it? Why, it's an insane asylum - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a murderer?"

************************************************************

Murder Ward

This was another episode I wrote specifically in an Old Time Radio format and put together with American Radio Theater, a group that recreates old time radio shows.

Parts of this story were very loosely inspired by (of all things) The Seven Keys to Baldpate, a stage play by George M. Cohen (and a film inspired by it, "The House of Long Shadows"), as was at least one other episode of my show, though in a completely separate way.

Some stories just stick with me.... Or make me think of ways I could do it better....

A big part of this particular story comes from my love of old true crime and detective stories, and how often (in fiction at least) people claim to be temporarily insane in order to get an easier sentence.

I don't want to say more about this story, just will leave it up to the listener.

I want to talk about how I got into podcast audio dramas.

I was doing OTR re-creations with ART when Reynaud Leboeuf (one of my most reliable stock actors in 19 Nocturne Boulevard) said he'd been cast in this podcast Lovecraftian comedy soap opera called The Unspeakable and the Inhuman (which was hilarious), and that they were still looking for a female lead, and would I like to audition?

Well, of course I would!

I was cast, and we recorded in early 2008 at Neohoodoo Studios (Ryan's basement), and during one of these recordings, one of the other actors commented that this was so fun, they should make more shows so that we could record more....

...and I said I have some scripts!!!!

Of course, I still had to learn how to mix, and all that sort of thing, but that's basically where it started. For most of 2008, 19 Nocturne was recorded primarily at Neohoodoo, with the help and kind permission of Ryan - and that got me good sound to work with for my beginning efforts, which made a huge difference. Joy from ART and Ryan both showed me a few things and gave me some tips on mixing.

I have to admit to being a teensy bit smug when, after Unspeakable and Inhuman kind of fell apart, I ran into the main writer Derek at a convention a few years later, and he asked me "How did you make it to so many episodes, when we never got past 9?" and I replied "I'm not a committee."

I do wish Unspeakable and Inhuman was still available somewhere, but I don't think it is. Maybe I'll get in touch with Derek someday and get permission to post the episodes - for posterity.

For the first year of 19 Nocturne, episodes came out in the U&I feed - after the first 8 came out at Brokensea - which further muddies the waters as to what the original order of episodes might have been. It was late 2009 before I decided I was definitely going to keep making shows, and therefore it was worth getting my own page and RSS feed.

...Everything else, as they say, is history.

************************************************************

MURDER WARD

Cast:

• OLIVIA, the host
• EDMUND Rafelsen (M/30s) - evil alter ego "Achilles"
• RUDY Horton, Esq. (M/50s) - Edmund's lawyer
• TERRANCE (M/20s) - the guard
• ROSE Connelly (F/20s) - paranoid, hears voices
• HECTOR Wilson (M/20s) - phobic, fears women
• RONALD Tomlinson (M/40s) - believes he's obeying god
• VINCENT (M/any) - frightening, violently crazy
• DOCTOR Sara LARSON (F/40s) - psychiatrist
• CROWD, GIRL, MOM, KID - any voices
• D-A. - District Attorney

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an insane asylum, can't you tell? Where else would you find ...a murderer?

MUSIC

OLIVIA [voice over] "Not guilty by reason of insanity". A legal defense, often misused to try and get a lighter sentence for a heinous crime. And what does it really mean? In a nutshell--

SCENE 1. OFFICE

RUDY --it means at the time you did what you did, you didn't - couldn't - understand what you were doing was wrong. It's a tough sell, Ed. No matter what the movies make out, most juries just don't believe--

EDMUND [cultured voice] Mr. Horton, I would prefer that you address me directly when you speak to me.

RUDY Ed, this isn't funny.

EDMUND There is no "Ed" here. Edmund, however, is sleeping. Mr. Horton, if you cannot bring yourself to use my name, at least--

RUDY OK, look--

SOUND rustling paper

RUDY [disapproving] --Achilles - I--

EDMUND And I am not insane. Nor is Edmund. I knew perfectly well what I did was wrong. All those pretty little women. I was really doing them a favor. The world is so harsh.

RUDY I-- Look, Achilles, let me talk to Ed for a while. It's his name on the docket, after all.

EDMUND Very well. I shall rouse him for you. [voice changes to more lower class - after this, he speaks as Ed any time not otherwise noted] Yeah? What is it shyster? Hey! Why's my cigarette all burned down all of a sudden?

MUSIC

SCENE 2. COURTROOM

CROWD [MURMURS]

SOUND GAVEL

DOCTOR LARSON Ahem. As I said, after a thorough examination, I have concluded that while Edmund is nominally the dominant persona, his alter ego Achilles was the one who actually committed... [fade out]

MUSIC

SCENE 3. ASYLUM HALLWAY

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON TILE. JINGLE OF KEYS

TERRANCE Guess you think you're lucky, eh?

SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS

EDMUND And why's that?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

INMATES [AD LIB, MURMURS "IN CHARACTER" see monologues at end]

EDMUND What the--?

TERRANCE Your new pals, bub. As I was saying, I guess you THINK you're lucky, getting off without the death penalty and all. Come on.

SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS

EDMUND Look mac, I thought I was gonna have a private room--

TERRANCE These are the induction cells. Once the Doc gets a handle on your syko-sees, she'll move you to someplace appropriate.

EDMUND She?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP

TERRANCE Sure. You saw her at your trial - Doctor Larson. She's got some big-brain new ideas about how ta deal with luniacks like yourself.

SOUND KEYS JINGLE.

TERRANCE Your room, misshur.

SOUND CELL UNLOCKS, DOOR OPENS.

EDMUND But, but there's a DAME in here. Ain't we supposed to be--

TERRANCE Funny thing about that. Dames go off the pier too. And we're overbooked in that department. She probly won't be here long. Besides, she's waaaay over there. She can't hurt you.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

HECTOR [fading in - urgent milktoast] --he's right. She shouldn't be in here. You don't understand the damage they can do. [fading] Women are--

RONALD [fading in, hissing whispers] ‑‑have new instructions. It is time for you to let me go. HE has declared it. [fading] My presence is required--

SOUND FOOTSTEPS END, JINGLE OF KEYS

ROSE [fading in] --staring at me. Are you sure they can't get out? Please, would you check the locks again? [fading] I'm so afraid--

SOUND DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.

INMATES [MOMENT OF SILENCE]

ROSE [sigh]

RONALD [normal, husky voice] Hey. New guy. Got any smokes?

EDMUND What?

RONALD Smokes.

EDMUND Even if I did, they wouldn't let us have any matches, would they?

ROSE [hard dame] Who are you kidding? You can get pretty much anything in here, just as long as you know who to ask. And HOW to ask it.

EDMUND Funny, you sounded crazy a minute ago.

ROSE [snort] Yeah, well. We all have our bad days... [raising voice slightly] And some never have good days, right Heck?

HECTOR Wicked Jezebel. You shouldn't be here.

ROSE [to Edmund] We're pretty sure that Hector there is the real McCoy.

RONALD Now, now. We're ALL nuts. We must keep that in mind.

ROSE Yeah, but THAT guy - he just never lets up!

EDMUND But if you ain't crazy--

RONALD [chuckles] Court says we are. Even with moments of lucidity, well-- What can they do?

EDMUND What if they're listening? Recording, maybe?

ROSE I thought I was the one with the persecution complex.

RONALD I've been trying to catch them for over a month. Nothing doing. They're just not interested. Besides, once the jury brings down the verdict, the court has to keep you locked you up until they cure you.

ROSE OR you give up and confess.

RONALD Oh, sure. [sarcastic] I'll just admit it was all phony, take my lumps and go to the Chair!

EDMUND What if one of you decides to squeal?

ROSE [laughs] Who'd take the word of a head case?

HECTOR If you try and spit your fiendish poison at me, fiend, I shall find a way to defend myself!

ROSE [disgusted sigh] I am real sick of him.

RONALD He probably had a bad mother.

ROSE Yeah? Well who didn't?

EDMUND The guard said I'd only be in here for a little while--

RONALD Yeah. Us too. I've now been here for two months, and Rose--

ROSE Rose Connelly, p'raps you hearda me?

EDMUND YOU'RE Rose Connelly?

ROSE [pleased] Yeah. The one and only. My sister's got a scrapbook of clippings for me. She can't bring them, but she tells me all about them when she visits.

RONALD Rose's been here about three weeks. Since her sentencing.

EDMUND And Romeo over there?

ROSE Hah! Cute. Two incredibly long days.

EDMUND And...this is it?

RONALD What?

EDMUND This is what we get? I mean, in prison they at least get some kind of exercise and stuff. Geneva convention, and all that.

ROSE Ah, it's just temporary. I guess the loony bins are all booked up right now. [giggles] Say, maybe there's a convention in town.

RONALD Don't worry. We get to talk to the Doc each day, regular as clockwork. She's a sweetheart, but I bet Hector isn't making any improvements.

HECTOR [matter of fact] Doctor? She's the devil! I refuse to give her the satisfaction of a single word.

ROSE [derisive] "Doctor," hah! She's the one that let me get myself in here. I thought it would be real tough to fool a head shrinker, but boy was she a pushover. Always so sympathetic. So understanding. She don't deserve to be a nurse, let alone a doctor.

RONALD Funny, she testified at my trial too. Hmm. Guess we both got lucky.

EDMUND [absently] Yeah. Lucky.

MUSIC

SCENE 4. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

DOCTOR LARSON Edmund, I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate.

EDMUND [as Achilles] I am trying my utmost, madam, but he simply refuses to converse with you.

DOCTOR LARSON [not batting an eye] Then let's you and I talk, Achilles. You claim that the killing was--

EDMUND [as Achilles] Killings. Let us be precise. Mercy killings, actually. [fading] I felt so kindly‑‑

MUSIC

SCENE 5. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND SNORING FROM ALL INMATES

SOUND SCRITCHING, LIKE A MOUSE TRYING TO BORE THROUGH WOOD

EDMUND [snores, then wakes, frightened] Ah! ah! What?

[NOTE LOW VOICES]

RONALD Shh. You'll wake the neighbors.

EDMUND What was that? But that noise - it's--

RONALD I know. We call him Mortimer.

EDMUND This place has mice?

RONALD We haven't seen him, so we're not sure what particular type of rodentia he is, but we sure hear him. Particularly when it's quiet.

EDMUND But how can I get any sleep--?

RONALD You get used to it. We all get used to lots of things.

HECTOR [coming awake with a scream] Aaagh! Off me, you fiend from hell! No! No! [goes on incoherently]

ROSE [Wakes with a whimper]

[NOTE VOICES NORMAL]

EDMUND That'll take some getting used to.

RONALD Yeah.

MUSIC

SCENE 6. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

DOCTOR LARSON Edmund, why don't you tell me about your mother?

EDMUND [as Edmund] My mother? What - why? My mother's fine. She got nothing to do with this.

DOCTOR LARSON Do you love your mother?

EDMUND Well, o'course. I mean, you gotta - it's just nature, ain't it? [trailing off with] No matter... what... she does t'you.

DOCTOR LARSON What did your mother do, Edmund? [beat] Edmund?

EDMUND [as Achilles] It's no use, doctor. He has gone into retreat.

MUSIC

SCENE 7. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND CELL BLOCK DOOR OPENS

INMATES [begin their various muttering]

TERRANCE This way folks. Step lively now.

SOUND CROWD MURMURS, LOTS OF SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS

HECTOR What is this? How dare you bring in more of THEM! Mischief! Mischief!

ROSE [aside, shocked, not pretending] What's a kid doing here?

MOM Tommy, now look at that - that's what crazy folks look like.

KID Gee.

TERRANCE [like a carnival barker] Not just any crazy folks, lady, these are all crazy murderers!

CROWD Ooh!

TERRANCE Each and every one of these... people... has committed the most heinous of crimes!

GIRL Wow, look at that one over there, he's kinda cute--!

HECTOR Harlot! Harlot! Do not approach, or I must smite thee down!

GIRL What's smite - is that bad?

TERRANCE Best to stay away from the bars. Now, this here is Rose Connolly, known throughout the entire state--

ROSE [seriously disturbed] Stop looking at me! How can you--? Get them outta here, wontcha?

TERRANCE --For killing her husband while under the inexorable compulsion of a persecution complex.

ROSE This isn't right!

GIRL What's inexcorable - is that bad?

MOM Killing your man - now, that ain't right!

RONALD Come, come, now - leave her, she is unimportant, aha! But I - I have a message to give unto you.

MUSIC - TIME PASSES

SCENE 8. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND CROWD WANDERS OUT, DOOR SHUTS

ROSE [Breaks down] Oh!

RONALD How mortifying.

ROSE [sobbing] Like animals in a zoo.

EDMUND I'm surprised they didn't start throwing us peanuts.

RONALD I tried to get them away from you, Rose, I really did. But big headlines trumps preaching, I guess.

HECTOR This should stand as a warning to you, woman! You are never alone! There is always a witness to the wicked things you do!

ROSE I have had just about enough out of you! You-- noisy little weasel! We girls, we're just folks just like everybody else - you have no right to--

RONALD Rose, calm down. Shh. It's not going to help.

EDMUND Yeah. For crying out loud, we've made it this far, how much worse can it get?

MUSIC

SCENE 9. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

EDMUND [as Achilles] It was mortifying for Edmund, Doctor. I think he may have suffered a terrible setback.

DOCTOR Now, the tours are conducted for very good reasons.

EDMUND What, pray tell?

DOCTOR It's really not something we should be discussing, but - since you are so concerned - First, it is to show the public that this facility is on the up and up - you've certainly heard of the old fashioned "asylums" where inmates were neglected and beaten? This way, nothing is hidden - so no abuses occur--

EDMUND [almost breaking character] No abuses?

DOCTOR Also, it helps to make insanity seem less frightening to the general public. Most people have seen insanity only in movies - where it is so inevitably terribly destructive and dangerous. This way, they see the human side of it.

EDMUND [as Achilles] I see that your intentions are admirable, but I can't help but think that a trip through the violent ward would merely reinforce the negative popular belief?

DOCTOR That's why the tour through the violent ward is only for serious students of psychology. [fading] You must have misunderstood.

MUSIC

SCENE 10. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND CELL BLOCK DOOR OPENS

RONALD And the lord said--

ROSE Can't you make them stop staring?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES

INMATES [CONTINUE MURMURS]

SOUND CELL DOOR OPENS

EDMUND [Achilles] Thank you, my good man.

SOUND CELL DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS. THEN A SCUFFLE!

HECTOR [struggling] Give it to me!

TERRANCE [struggling] Leave go, you ape!

HECTOR [struggling] I have to-- oof! [air knocked out of him]

SOUND TWO FOOTSTEPS. DUSTING OFF HANDS

TERRANCE That'll show you to tangle with me.

HECTOR [weak] Yes, but ... I have your gun.

ROSE [scream]

EDMUND Stop him Ron - you're closest!

SOUND GUN SHOT

TERRANCE Aargh!

ROSE Oh no! No!

HECTOR [calm and creepy] The next one is for you, Delilah! Salome!

ROSE Me? I didn't do anything-- [gasps]

INMATES [GASP]

SOUND CLICK

RONALD Who put out the lights?

HECTOR It was the monster - Lilith, devourer of infants!

SOUND PSSST OF GAS

EDMUND Do you... hear... [getting sleepy] Some...thing...?

MUSIC - TIME PASSES

SCENE 11. CELL HALLWAY

EDMUND [waking up] Hmm? Wha--?

RONALD [groans]

ROSE [wakes with a startled gasp]

EDMUND What happened?

RONALD At least the lights are back on.

ROSE But I don't wanna open my eyes.

EDMUND Look!

RONALD Where? [disgust] Oh!

ROSE Just ... just tell me, I don't wanna--

EDMUND Better you don't look, Rose. [muttered] That's a lot of blood.

RONALD [muttered back] You don't lose that much and walk away. Too bad. Terry was a right guy.

ROSE Blood? Oh, no! Hector? Where is he? He's going to shoot me!

RONALD Calm down, Rose. He's gone.

EDMUND So's the guard. There's just the... blood.

SOUND CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER ON

DOCTOR LARSON [filter/loudspeaker] We apologize for the inconvenience of using a psychotropic gas on you.

EDMUND Gas?

DOCTOR LARSON [filter] Rest assured there will be no long-term effects.

EDMUND That was what I heard.

DOCTOR LARSON [filter] If you are feeling groggy or your head aches, sit quietly, breath deeply, and it will pass.

SOUND CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER OFF

ROSE [breathing deeply but raggedly] It wasn't our fault - they haveta know that!

EDMUND It's not like we're a bunch of babes in the woods. They may know what happened and just not care.

ROSE So just because I killed my husband, I;m gonna - I'm gonna hurt a random stranger? That's silly.

RONALD [chuckles] No. Just insane, m'dear.

MUSIC

SCENE 12. OFFICE

RUDY I don't see any way to--

EDMUND What? This is cruel and inhumane--

RUDY You don't understand, Ed. [dry] It is Ed I'm talking to, isn't it?

EDMUND Yeah, yeah.

RUDY You are not a free citizen. You've been consigned to Dr. Larson's care, and--

EDMUND Now you don't understand, Horton. A guard was killed last night, in our block--

RUDY You didn't--?

EDMUND Nah, it was this loony who thinks women are all evil.

RUDY Which, of course, you don't--?

EDMUND This ain't the time for that, Rudy. I'm talking about a murder.

RUDY There's no record of--

EDMUND The corpse's name is Terry, Terrance, something like that. He is - was - a guard here. Come on, someone's gotta be doing something!

RUDY I haven't seen anything in the papers. These state-run facilities, though-- sometimes they're like a world in themselves.

EDMUND Well get me another world.

RUDY [chuckles] There's only ONE way to do that.

EDMUND Yes?

RUDY Admit that you're not insane... and go to the chair.

MUSIC

SCENE 13. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND CELL BLOCK DOOR OPENS, ROSE'S FOOTSTEPS AND A HEAVY SET OF MAN'S FOOTSTEPS, SLOW AND MEASURED.

ROSE Can't you please stop looking at me? I know why - I know why you're staring! You can read my mind!

SOUND KEYS JINGLE

EDMUND [Achilles] You are such a lovely young lady. And so frightened. Come to me and I shall cure you of all your fear.

SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS

ROSE Stop! Don't say things like that. He never takes his eyes off of me, you know.

RONALD [quietly] And he said unto me, for I am the way--

SOUND ROSE'S QUICK FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS.

EDMUND Hey, buddy, don't you talk?

SOUND KEYS JINGLE. HEAVY FOOTSTEPS LEAVE

RONALD Justice is ever mute.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

INMATES [quiet for a moment]

EDMUND What's with that guy?

RONALD I hate being ignored like that.

ROSE He didn't say anything in the halls - going to the doc's office OR coming back, either. No matter what I did.

EDMUND Did the doc say anything about the dead guard?

ROSE Not a word, even though I asked. She just ignored the question.

RONALD She didn't ignore you completely, though?

ROSE No... But she didn't say much. Did she talk to you at all during your appointment?

RONALD I didn't have an appointment with her this morning.

EDMUND But you were gone--

RONALD I wasn't going to say anything, but the guard just took me out and walked me around the halls for an hour.

MUSIC

SCENE 14. OFFICE

EDMUND I got rights, Horton!

RUDY Well, technically, no. Actually, I could do more for you if you WERE in prison. Once you're committed to the doctor's care, you really can't complain. Particularly since you don't have any proof for any of your allegations--

EDMUND Allegations? Proof? How's this for proof - the others will back me up!

RUDY [condescending] Two other certified inmates? Oh, sure. That'll stand up in court.

MUSIC

SCENE 15.

EDMUND You guys ever wonder what they did with old Hector?

RONALD Solitary confinement, I guess. Killing a guard's pretty serious.

EDMUND [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, unlike whatever it was we did to get here.

ROSE Hey, I draw the line at killing strangers.

EDMUND Just your husband?

ROSE Looking back, I guess it wasn't such a great idea.

RONALD You guess? Hah! You--

EDMUND Why'd you do it, then? Did he push you around or something?

ROSE [snorts] Nah. If he'd'a beaten me, I woulda had a defense in court. Nah, it was just little things. Like the sounds he makes when he eats - ate - and the thing with his toenails. Us women have to put up with this kind of thing all the time, but... It just got to me.

EDMUND It just got to you?

ROSE Well, yeah!

RONALD There's a reason the marriage vows say until death do we part--

ROSE AND I wasn't going to the chair for something like that, so I started pulling the "he was out to get me" hash on my lawyer, and it worked. More or less. Not like this joint is anything to write home about.

RONALD It wasn't so bad up until that guy Hector showed up. Since then... well.

EDMUND So who'd you kill?

SOUND TINNY CHAMBER MUSIC BEGINS TO PIPE IN, VERY QUIETLY.

RONALD I don't think so--

EDMUND [pushing] Go on. Who?

ROSE Oh, leave off. Hey, that's kind of nice.

RONALD What?

ROSE The music.

RONALD Hmm. And if I prefer to maintain my right to avoid self-incrimination?

EDMUND Geez. Don't take it that way, I was just curious. [pause] I killed four women.

ROSE Four? Maybe I SHOULD be worried.

SOUND MUSIC STARTS TO VERY SLOWLY GET LOUDER

EDMUND Oh, I put on a song and dance for the cops about how they needed to be killed to save them and all. Making up a Mr. Hyde personality to take all the blame. [beat] Three of em were mob snitches.

RONALD So what, you're a hit man?

EDMUND I owed some money. Shouldn't have got caught at all, seeing as how there was no connection between me and them, but the cops got something - fingerprints or something - and they tracked me down.

ROSE And ...the fourth?

EDMUND Huh? [offhanded] Oh, just some dame - I did her to throw off the connections and make myself look nuts. I'd already figured on being caught - and better a whacko than a torpedo, ya know?

SOUND MUSIC IS LOUD ENOUGH THAT THEY ARE RAISING THEIR VOICES OVER IT

RONALD You are some piece of work.

EDMUND Still casting stones, eh, preacher? Why don't you explain how you got here-- What in the name of --- What IS that MUSIC?

ROSE It was ok... to start with... but, now--!

SOUND MUSIC REACHES A CRESCENDO, THEN CUTS OUT WITH

MUSIC STING - TIME PASSES

SCENE 16. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND DOOR LOCK UNLOCKS, DOOR OPENS.

RONALD --said the offender must be plucked out!

SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS - ORDERLY BRINGING IN NEW INMATE, VICTOR

EDMUND I am so sick of this guy.

ROSE Are you taking me away? I know you've been watching me.

SOUND RATTLE OF LARGE CHAIN, STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS

VICTOR [growls and snaps]

SOUND KEYS, CELL DOOR OPENS.

ROSE [whispered] Ed? Ed? That guy - is he even human?

EDMUND [whispered] Shh. I dunno.

ROSE [whispered] But he's so... so huge!

SOUND SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS, CHAIN RATTLING.

RONALD The beast! For I have seen--

VICTOR [growl - lunge]

SOUND SCUFFLE OF FEET, CHAINS CLANG AGAINST BARS.

RONALD Aah!

SOUND SCUFFLE AWAY.

VICTOR [snarling]

SOUND THUNK OF NIGHTSTICK ON FLESH, RATTLE OF CHAINS

ROSE He didn't-- it didn't even notice! The guard hit it and hit it-- [screaming] Get me out of here! Please! Please get me out of here!

sound cell door closes, locks, rattle of chains against bars

EDMUND Shh. He's not listening anyway.

ROSE Anything! Whatever you want! [collapsing into sobs] I can't take any more!

SOUND GUARD'S FOOTSTEPS, KEYS, CELL BLOCK DOOR UNLOCKED

ROSE Please! I'll admit everything! Take me to the doctor - the lawyer - the JUDGE! Anything!

SOUND [BEAT] FOOTSTEPS RETURN, KEYS, CELL DOOR UNLOCKS.

ROSE [Breaking down] Oh... thank you. Thank you...!

MUSIC

SCENE 17. OFFICE

RUDY --none of your business. She's not my case. Now, Ed, they can keep you locked up any way they want - with anyone they want - for as long as they want. You're getting three squares a day, right?

EDMUND Usually. Sometimes it comes pretty late, though. And there's been a couple of times it's been too salty to eat.

RUDY So they have a crummy cook - place like this? Go figure.

EDMUND You gotta get me out of here, Rudy.

RUDY I've told you, there's no place else to put you.

MUSIC

SCENE 18. CELL HALLWAY

RONALD I think he's asleep.

EDMUND It. Rose called it an it.

RONALD I asked the doctor about Rose. The doc said a whole lot of nothing, but I get the impression she - Rose - has revealed all, as they say, and is heading for a short vacation in a nice clean death row cell.

EDMUND Not so bad for her. Women get pardoned all the time, specially pretty ones.

RONALD Yeah. And you would know all about the pretty ones, eh?

EDMUND [remembering fondly] They were all lookers, yeah.

RONALD How can you sleep?

EDMUND Don't get high and mighty moral on me, bud, you're in here too.

RONALD I was only-- It WAS a moral choice. A decision that had to be made and no one was making it.

EDMUND Oh, so who'd you kill? Cripples?

RONALD I ended the suffering of several decrepit--

VINCENT [ROAR!]

SOUND CHAINS SMACK AGAINST CELL BARS

RONALD [half choking] Let go!

EDMUND Nobody's got arms that--!

RONALD [gasping] Get someone! You gotta-- [choking]

EDMUND Hey! Hey! over here, ugly!

SOUND RATTLE OF CHAINS

RONALD [gasps for breath]

SOUND THUMPING FOOTSTEPS, RATTLE OF CHAINS

EDMUND Hah! Gorilla! Even you can't reach this far, eh?

SOUND CELL DOOR BEING SHAKEN

VICTOR [growls]

RONALD [hoarse] Thanks, pal.

EDMUND Don't thank me yet - I think those hinges are coming loose!

SOUND CELL DOOR BREAKS OPEN, RATTLE OF CHAINS

RONALD Oh, god! No! Release the gas! Someone please release the gas!!! [choking]

VICTOR [growls]

SOUND CHAINS RATTLING AGAINST BARS

SOUND TINNY CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS OVER THE FIGHT NOISES

EDMUND Not the music! The gas! He's dying, for crying out loud!

RONALD [expiring noise]

SOUND GAS

MUSIC

SCENE 19. OFFICE

EDMUND Horton, whatever I need to do, whatever I need to sign, just hand it over. I ain't spending another night in this place.

RUDY You understand the consequences? You won't have the slightest option of recanting again and going back to your original statement.

EDMUND Yeah, yeah. Anything - and I mean anything - is better than this freak show.

MUSIC

SCENE 20. RECEPTION PARTY

SOUND GLASSES TINKLE, DRINKS BEING POURED

DOCTOR LARSON I'm so glad you find my program effective, Mr. District Attorney.

D-A. Well, I admit I had my doubts, when you first outlined it--

DOCTOR LARSON You expressed concern about the danger of physical harm to the subject? As you now see, there is never any direct physical contact. Thus, there can be no allegations of physical harm or coersion.

ROSE He might have come close to dying with fright, though. [teasing] You were quite terrifying, darling.

VICTOR [growls jokingly, then fairly cultured voice] After fifteen movies as monsters

ROSE And an apeman...

VICTOR [chuckles] And one apemen, who wouldn't be?

HECTOR I'm rather glad I get to duck out early. Murderers just [shudders] give me the creeps.

TERRANCE Hey, we're out of sham-pane. Want me to go and get some more?

HECTOR Nah, I'll go. Be right back!

D-A. It seems like a lot of effort, though, for a single confession. A lot of manpower. [tip of the hat] And woman power.

DOCTOR LARSON Ah, but it's valuable work on a number of levels. We convince a murderer to confess, and we learn a great deal about the human psyche each time through the experiment.

D-A. Each time? How many--?

ROSE Hmm... [thinking] I've had the screaming meemies four times--

RONALD And I've nearly died... oh, three, I think.

DOCTOR LARSON Not all of them last as long as our good friend Edmund.

D-A. I'll drink to that.

MUSIC

CLOSER

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

INDIVIDUAL SPEECHES FOR THE "INMATES" FOR "ad lib" SECTIONS

ROSE I can feel them, all the time, watching everything I do - always making sure. Always knowing. I never get a moment alone, never a smidgen of privacy. How can I live like this? It's always the same - at first, they seem so nice, so different, then they turn on you, controlling you, having to know everything you do, and then they just don't let you do anything. I couldn't even have a glass of water without getting permission.

HECTOR Sinner! Be penitent and god may be merciful and end your despicable life - hah, raise your head in the presence of your condemnation, will you? Created to sin, designed by Satan to tempt honest men from the path of righteousness. Daughters of Eve, you share her taint! You try and draw us into your web, to make us debase ourselves for your enjoyment! Wickedness! Temptress! Succubus!

RONALD God moves in mysterious ways, for his decisions are inscrutable and his calling ineffable. He has summoned me to his bidding, and I must obey. There is no evil in ending the suffering of those that god would have called home to his presence. He does not strike out in anger, but reaches forth to embrace his injured and damaged children, who need his solace.