19 Nocturne Boulevard

Chapter 7 - a short trip to the slave camp on the heavy gravity planet.

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story "The Canterville Ghost" by Oscar Wilde

[Family friendly]

In the late 1800s, an American family moves into an old English castle, only to find that the fixtures include an ancestral ghost...

Cast List Sir Simon de Canterville - Cole Hornaday Lady Eleanor - Julie Hoverson Mr. Otis - Michael Faigenblum Mrs. Otis - Megan Lane Mrs. Umney - Lyndsey Thomas Washington - Jasper Loovis Virginia - Beverly Poole Cecil, Duke of Cheshire - Powers Chandler The Twins - E. Vickrey, R. LeBoeuf

Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: Peer Kamphuis (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an Olde English Castle - where else would you find an ancestral spirit?"

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The Canterville Ghost

Who doesn't love the classic Oscar Wilde satire "The Canterville Ghost"? It's a story about a traditional horrific British spirit haunting a traditional British Manor, who runs afoul of a very modern (for the late 1800s) American family who has no respect at all for tradition. This has always been one of my two favorite classic comedic ghost stories, the other being "The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall", which I will probably get in here soon, just because of the season.

I had so much fun adapting this, playing with the practical, unflappable, and often gormless Americans. I did make one major change in the cast, which was not entirely original to me. I added the ghost of Lady Canterville to pester and haunt Sir Simon - and also give him someone to rant to, complain at, and plan with, since otherwise all his best bits would either be pages of soliloquies or just left out (like they usually end up being left out when this story gets made into films).

I really really tried to keep as much of the descriptions of Sir Simon's various semblances and costumes in the dialogue as I could. They're so much fun, along with the descriptions of whom he terrified with them. I crammed it as full as possible, without going completely off the deep end.

I recall when I was in grade school, I read a novelization someone had done based on The Canterville Ghost where they added Lady Canterville as a ghost, but I specifically didn't go back and find that book again before writing this, so I wouldn't accidentally usurp any other ideas from it - I have a good memory, but it has been decades since I read it (more then 2), so I should be pretty safe. Including her is a logical step, anyway, since if HE haunts the house because he was murdered, why shouldn't SHE also haunt it because HE murdered HER?

When I set about to cast this, I was still pretty much working with friends and locals, and not yet to the point of recruiting or auditioning people on line. And while I knew I wanted Cole as Sir Simon - and of course myself as Lady Eleanor, since I wrote the role for me (a big advantage of being a writer/producer), I had no particular idea who else I wanted in there. So I got Beverly Poole (who was at the time in high school) and said "Cast all the living characters from your high school drama class." In response, she rubbed her hands together gleefully (and a bit evilly), grinned, and said "Ooh! The Power!"

Of all the special effects in this story that were hard to make or find, considering it has rattling chains and moans and all the classic ghost noises, the most awkward turned out to be "knocking small bottle to floor" and "throwing pillow across room".

***********************************************************

THE CANTERVILLE GHOST

Cast:

OLIVIA

The English:

• Sir SIMON de Canterville, (300+) Ghost
• Lady ELEANOR de Canterville, (300+) his dead wife
• UMNEY, (60) housekeeper
• CECIL, (17) young Duke of Cheshire
• MOVER (any)

The Americans:

• HIRAM Otis, (40) American Minister
• Lucretia OTIS (36) his wife
• WASHINGTON Otis, (18) know-it-all
• VIRGINIA Otis, (15) sweet young thing
• GROVER and OSCAR Otis, (12) the twins

NOTE: The Americans are the classic annoying Americans of a previous century, very self-assured at all times and never bothered.

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an English Castle, can't you tell? Where else would you find an ancestral ghost?

MUSIC

SCENE 1. MAIN HALL

SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, LOW MOAN OF EFFORT, HEAVY SOMETHING BEING DROPPED [play up as if a ghost, then]

MOVER Ow! Leave off! Now, on two... one-- [grunt of effort]

SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS GO OFF. THE OTIS FAMILY IS MOVING IN.

HIRAM [self satisfied] Yes, that - that will do nicely.

SOUND SHARP FOOTSTEPS AMONG THE HUBBUB

MRS. UMNEY [nervous] Mr. Otis, Sir?

HIRAM Yes, my good woman?

MRS. UMNEY Sir, where are the Canterville portraits?

HIRAM Those? I'm returning them to his Lordship. I'm quite sure he didn't mean them to go with the house. They're rather ugly old gewgaws, to be perfectly frank. Out with the old, in with the new.

MRS. UMNEY [muttered] These are the ugly new gewgaws, then?

HIRAM [didn't hear her] Hm?

MRS. UMNEY [louder] This is your family, then, sir?

HIRAM What is your name, my good woman?

MRS. UMNEY Mrs. Umney. I've been housekeeper here at Canterville Hall for--

HIRAM Oh, yes, we did take on all the fixtures. Well, Madam, we Americans don't hold with all this "sir" nonsense. You can call me Mister Otis, just like anyone else.

MRS. UMNEY [servile] Of course, Mr. Otis. Certainly Mr. Otis.

HIRAM Stop with the curtseying, it's bad for your knees. Ask my wife - she's campaigned against it, you know.

MRS. UMNEY That would be Lady - pardon - Mrs. Otis in the portrait with you?

HIRAM Yes - lovely woman, though she does tend to look a bit cross-eyed when she's forced to sit staring into a lens for time on end. Still it's a lovely shot. This is the children. Washington, in back - he's even taller now. Must remember to get another study taken. They grow so fast, don't they?

MRS. UMNEY Yes sir. Mr. Otis, sir.

HIRAM The twins, Oscar and Grover - like weeds, as well - are going to Eton. They'll be home with us until the school year begins.

MRS. UMNEY And the young lady?

HIRAM [with warmth] Virginia. She is just the perfect doll - smart as a whip. Takes right after her mother that way. And the way she rides - she raced old Lord Bilton twice round the park and won by a length and a half. That Cecil [he prnounces it incorrectly, as SEEsel] fellow, Duke of Cheshire[chehSHYER], proposed for her on the spot, but they're both much too young, and we Americans don't hold much with titles.

MRS. UMNEY [muttered] Tell that to the Vanderbilts. [out loud] And this must be... your father?

HIRAM [laughs uproariously] Ho-ho! No, that's President Cleveland, our country's leader. You know, a bit like your British Queen Victoria, except that we choose ours. [pause] And they don't carry on quite so long.

MRS. UMNEY [disapproving] Ah.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS ENTER

MRS. OTIS Dearest, can you do something with the twins, they've gone quite mad in the conservatory.

HIRAM Boys will be boys.

SOUND HIS FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR

MRS. OTIS Mrs. Umney, why what's the matter?

MRS. UMNEY Ma'am? I'm ... just not used to your American ways, I expect.

MRS. OTIS I'm so sorry for you. Well.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS START TO LEAVE, HESITATE

MRS. OTIS [suddenly remembering] Oh, there is something you could help with - there's a terrible stain near the fireplace in the library. Would you be a dear and see that it gets cleaned up?

MRS. UMNEY [ominously] The bloodstain?

MRS. OTIS How horrid! I don't at all care for blood-stains in a library. It cannot possibly be hygienic.

MRS. UMNEY [ghoulish, enjoying every minute] It is the blood of Lady Eleanor de Canterville, murdered on that very spot by her own husband, Sir Simon de Canterville, in 1575. Sir Simon's guilty spirit still haunts the Chase, though HIS body has never been found.

[Umney clearly expects to scare her, but gets no response.]

MRS. OTIS It must be removed immediately--

MRS. UMNEY The blood-stain has been much admired by tourists, and cannot be removed.

MRS. OTIS Nonsense. [calling] Washington!!

MRS. UMNEY [mood broken] What? Ma'am?

SOUND THUNDERING FEET COMING DOWN STAIRCASE

WASHINGTON [entering] Yes, mother?

MRS. OTIS Do you have some of that new cleaning solution in your kit?

WASHINGTON [eager] Pinkerton's Champion Stain Remover and Paragon Detergent? I'll fetch it directly.

MRS. UMNEY [trying to be spooky again] The blood stain cannot be cleaned, ma'am. It is proven fact. Many have tried. Many more have faced the ghost and were never the same again.

MRS. OTIS Ah, but this is a patented formulation.

MUSIC

SCENE 2.

SOUND OUTSIDE. TWO HORSES' HOOVES MOVING SLOWLY, AN OCCASIONAL WHINNY

CECIL I'm frightfully pleased you're so nearby, Miss Otis. I mean, we can... go riding together... often.

VIRGINIA [she pronounces it correctly - seh-sel] Cecil. Or... I'm so sorry, I've forgotten, what does one call a Duke?

CECIL It's Your Grace, but you needn't--

VIRGINIA But I should at least KNOW. And an Earl?

CECIL [quietly] I would rather you thought of me as more than merely a tutor.

VIRGINIA [musing] How DO you keep them all straight? [catching up] What?

CECIL [earnest] You know how I feel.

VIRGINIA I also, which is why this is all particularly important. Just in case... In case... [gasp]

BOTH [Take a breath, as if about to speak, or possibly kiss, then check themselves]

[SLIGHT PAUSE AS THEY BOTH CALM DOWN A BIT, CLICK TO THE HORSES, ETC.]

CECIL Oh, Virginia, I hate the thought of you living in this blasted old pile.

VIRGINIA [pleased] You called me Virginia.

CECIL My apologies, Miss Otis.

VIRGINIA Silly. Cecil, I've been trying for ages to get you to call me-- [by my first name]

CECIL It's the ghost!

VIRGINIA The ghost's name is Virginia?

CECIL No. Your father cannot have heard about it, or he'd never have put you in such danger.

VIRGINIA While he's not actually against them, father generally avoids spirits. [joke - "spirits" as in alcohol]

CECIL [ominously, admitting] My own grand-uncle once bet a hundred guineas that he would play dice with the ghost, and was found the next morning on the floor of the card-room in such a paralytic state that, though he lived to a great age, he was never able to say anything but "Double Sixes."

VIRGINIA Backgammon, was it?

CECIL It isn't important! It's simply not safe!

MUSIC

SCENE 3.

AMB BEDROOM, GETTING READY FOR SLEEP

MRS. OTIS [exasperated] It's simply not safe, I tell you! That housekeeper fainting all about the place - and all over cleaning up a silly bloodstain.

HIRAM Hmm...

SOUND RATTLE OF A PAGE TURNING IN A BOOK

MRS. OTIS What if it happens again? What if she's holding crockery? What do you do with a woman who faints?

HIRAM Yes, dear.

MRS. OTIS [sweetly] Dearest, your nose has fallen off.

HIRAM Oh, has it? Good.

MRS. OTIS You're not listening to me!

HIRAM Gracious! Do you hear that?

MRS. OTIS What, over the sound of my own voice? Heaven forbid!

HIRAM Shh.

SOUND MUFFLED, AND SLOWLY GETTING CLOSER, HEAVY FOOTFALLS AND CHAINS RATTLING. THEY CONTINUE UNTIL NOTED

HIRAM Now that is just too much.

SOUND BEDCLOTHES FLUNG ASIDE, SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS.

HIRAM We'll see about--

SOUND DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN

SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS AND CHAINS ARE NO LONGER MUFFLED.

SIMON [off - low moaning]

HIRAM Now see here!

SIMON [moan interrupts]

MRS. OTIS [unworried, off] Is it the twins?

HIRAM I don't think so.

SIMON [insistent ghostly moaning]

HIRAM No, it's certainly not the twins. Hold it right there.

SIMON [moan interrupts quizzically]

SOUND SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS, DRAWER PULLED OUT, RUMMAGING

MRS. OTIS Should I join you?

HIRAM No need. Though he is quite a curiosity - looks like a scraggly old feller all done up in chains and ragged old-style clothes.

SIMON [off - moaning again, suppressed fury]

HIRAM Now where did I - Aha!

SOUND RUMMAGING STOPS, SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS

HIRAM My dear sir, I really must insist on your oiling those chains, and I have brought you for that purpose a small bottle of the Tammany Rising Sun Lubricator.

SIMON [moaning stops, grumpy noises]

HIRAM It is said to be completely efficacious upon one application, and there are several testimonials to that effect on the wrapper. I shall leave it here for you, and will be happy to supply more, should you require it.

SOUND SMALL BOTTLE SET DOWN, LIGHT FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES DECISIVELY

SIMON [bellow of rage, then moaning until noted]

SOUND BOTTLE SLAPPED, ROLLS ACROSS TABLE, CLATTERS TO FLOOR.

SOUND TWO HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, HEAVY THUD ON WALL ACCOMPANIED BY CHAIN RATTLING

OSCAR Get em!

SOUND PILLOW FLIES THROUGH THE AIR, HITS THE WALL

GROVER Did I score?

SIMON [one last shriek, and out]

OSCAR Tsk. Nope.

MUSIC SPOOKY

SCENE 4.

AMB GHOST'S GARRET

SOUND AGITATED PACING, ROCKING CHAIR

SIMON [bellowing and outraged] A Pillow! At my HEAD!

ELEANOR [complacent but needling] I suppose it's a good thing you were wearing it, then.

SIMON Not if they'd hit me! I'm not certain I fastened it on completely. It's never been an issue!

ELEANOR You've gone without a challenge for far too long.

SIMON A challenge!! A challenge! Who needs a bloody challenge when I have you to torment me?

ELEANOR Every time you get frustrated you turn the argument on me. If you didn't want me haunting you, you should've never killed me.

SIMON Tcha!

ELEANOR Ruined my favorite bodice, as well.

SIMON Oh, your bloody bodice.

ELEANOR Precisely.

SIMON Hush! These ... people... Have no respect for artistry. When I think back on the Dowager Duchess, frightened into a fit; the four housemaids, who went into hysterics when I merely grinned at them through the curtains; old Madame de Tremouillac, who woke to find me, as a skeleton, seated by the fire reading her diary, and was confined to her bed for six weeks with brain fever--

ELEANOR [dry] Yes, yes, you're quite handy with the ladies.

SIMON Shut up, wife! What about wicked Lord Canterville, whom I left choking on the knave of diamonds because he had cheated by means of that very card, so I made him swallow it. That was justice!

ELEANOR Oh, yes, justice for men and torment for women. So like a man. What did poor Lady Stutfield, ever do to you? You left her obliged to wear a black velvet band round her throat to hide the mark of five fingers burnt upon her white skin.

SIMON [pleased] She drowned herself at last in the carp-pond at the end of the King's Walk.

ELEANOR Did she cheat at cards as well?

SIMON [grudgingly] No.

ELEANOR Admit it, you just like the attention. Women are so much more --

SIMON Biddable?

ELEANOR I was going to say demonstrative. I know how you adore an appreciative audience. Women are allowed hysterics, while men are limited to "good god!", a little gibbering, and then shooting themselves in the pantry. There's simply not much in between.

SIMON [sulky] Or offering you oil for your chains! Oh, what impertinence!!

ELEANOR What do you plan to do about it, my lord?

SIMON Aha! I was thinking of reprising my costume as "Gaunt Gibeon, the Blood-sucker of Bexley Moor," and playing ninepins with my own bones upon the lawn-tennis ground.

ELEANOR Perhaps Americans do not play ninepins?

SIMON No? I think the point will not fail. It is bones... [thinking] Or perhaps ... Oh, yes! "Reckless Rupert, or the Headless Earl."

ELEANOR Oh, my lord. You know that one takes hours to put on. Do you even know where both horse pistols are?

SIMON Bah! I am an artist. I laugh at complex preparation. [chuckling] I haven't pulled out old Rupert for some fifty years--

ELEANOR Seventy.

SIMON Seventy? Really? Where does time go? [warming up again] Not since the night I frightened pretty Lady Barbara and she broke off her engagement with Lord Canterville's grandfather, and ran away with Jack Castleton, declaring that nothing would induce her to marry into a family that allowed such a horrible phantom to walk up and down the terrace at twilight.

ELEANOR [bored] ...and then he was shot in a duel.

SIMON [running over her] Poor Jack was afterwards shot in a duel by Lord Canterville

ELEANOR [bored] You sound like the social pages.

SIMON [trying to drown her out] --and Lady Barbara died of a broken heart, so, in every way, it was a great success.

ELEANOR Yes, yes, yes. You recall I was present.

SIMON I am merely reiterating--

ELEANOR Reiterate away. I shan't return until you are quite through.

SIMON Oh, if I only could believe that, I would never stop.

ELEANOR Just as big fish eat little fish, my own good lord, ghosts are never truly alone.

MUSIC

SCENE 5.

SOUND GENTEEL BREAKFAST NOISES

MRS. UMNEY [off, screams]

VIRGINIA Oh no!

WASHINGTON What?

MRS. OTIS Good gracious, she's at it again.

HIRAM I'll just go and see--

MRS. OTIS No, no. You finish your breakfast, Hiram, dear. I shall see to the household.

SOUND WE FOLLOW HER AS SHE LEAVES THE ROOM, ENTERS THE LIBRARY

MRS. UMNEY [praying, slightly hysterical] ...deliver us from evil for thine is the power and the glory--

MRS. OTIS [coming on] What is the matter now?

MRS. UMNEY [spoooooky] Look!!! The bloodstain! I told you that it could never be removed!

MRS. OTIS [mildly bemused] Oh. How unusual. I wonder if there is a leak somewhere. [calling] Washington?

SOUND EAGER FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

WASHINGTON Yes, Mother?

MRS. OTIS I thought you said you had dealt with this?

WASHINGTON Well, now doesn't that just take the cake?

MRS. OTIS Pray don't be vulgar.

MRS. UMNEY [muffled snort]

VIRGINIA [coming on] What's going on?

WASHINGTON Mother, I give you my solemn oath - that stain was gone. I guess I'll just have at it again.

MUSIC TIME PASSES

SCENE 6.

SOUND GENTEEL BREAKFAST NOISES

[the blood stain keeps re-appearing, and they're finding it amusing]

HIRAM Shall we? I made a particular point of locking the door last night, so there can be no chance of outside interference.

MRS. OTIS Yes, let's.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

OSCAR Me first!

GROVER No, me!

SOUND SCUFFLE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

GROVER It's back!

MUSIC TIME PASSES

SCENE 7.

SOUND RAIN, GENTEEL BREAKFAST NOISES

WASHINGTON [listing the colors the bloodstain has come back in] ...that's crimson, rust, burnt sienna, and maroon. So far. Anyone?

HIRAM Perhaps the color changes like leaves in the fall? I think I shall lay odds on pumpkin.

WASHINGTON I am more inclined to believe, father, that there is a scientific basis for the inconsistent pigmentation. Some chemical interaction between the nature of ectoplasm and Pinkerton's Champion Stain Remover. All I need to do is find another, similar ghostly stain and compare the results.

HIRAM Sound thinking, my boy.

MRS. OTIS Well, I'm in the mood for a bright cherry red myself, on such a gray day. Virginia?

VIRGINIA [subdued, almost sulky] I have no opinion on the matter.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

GROVER It's green!!

OSCAR Emerald green!

VIRGINIA [very quiet wail, then going off] Oh, no!

MUSIC

SCENE 8.

AMB GHOST'S GARRET

SOUND RUMMAGING THROUGH PILES OF CLOTHES

SIMON [off, muffled] Have you seen my red slouch hat?

ELEANOR It is no longer my responsibility to look after your garments, husband.

SIMON Hmph.

SIMON Which winding sheet do you think will be most effective, the ones with the ruffles at the cuffs, or the hideous brown stains?

ELEANOR My lord - those aren't your brown stains. I believe a mouse has littered in your sheet.

SIMON Eugh.

SOUND FABRIC FALLS TO FLOOR

SIMON Well, aren't you even curious? I mean about what I intend to do?

ELEANOR Not really. [sigh] Pray enlighten me. If you must.

SIMON You'll be singing a different tune when you hear--

ELEANOR Begin, my lord - we haven't all day.

SIMON Very well. [dramatic] See this rusty dagger?

ELEANOR Yay, verily. One rusty dagger. Noted.

SIMON [dramatic] I will make my way quietly to Washington Otis's room, you know Washington - the interfering knave who repeatedly cleans my bloody-- well... bloodstain.

ELEANOR My bloodstain. Bright boy.

SIMON Shush. Here, you be Washington.

ELEANOR I haven't the height.

SIMON [angry] I mean, you stand in and I shall show you what I intend! [back to glee] I will gibber at him from the foot of the bed, and stab myself - once, twice, thrice! - in the throat to the sound of low music. Having reduced the reckless and foolhardy youth to a condition of abject terror... [prompting] Terror!

ELEANOR [flat] Oh, terror!

SIMON [sigh] I will proceed to the bedroom of the parents. Now, you are Mrs. Otis.

ELEANOR To do that I shall have to secure some exceedingly plain underclothes.

SIMON [growl] Woman! I will place a clammy hand on Mrs. Otis's forehead--

ELEANOR [flat] Oh, clammy.

SIMON --while I hiss into her trembling husband's ear the awful secrets of the charnel-house.

ELEANOR He'll probably tell you of some new patented method for charnelling. I suppose that poor girl will get the worst of it, since she's the only one even a mite sympathetic?

SIMON I... [almost sheepish] I ...don't think so. She's done nothing at all to annoy me, even though she could easily... [he's been stealing her paints, as she mentions later - so she could unmask the bloodstain] A few hollow groans from the wardrobe will suffice.

ELEANOR You're becoming soft in your old age.

SIMON I am merely saving my best efforts for [snarling] those wretched twins...

ELEANOR Shall I be one of them?

SIMON No need.

ELEANOR Oh, prithee my lord. I wish to realize the full impact of your cunning plan.

SIMON Truly? Well, go ahead then.

ELEANOR I shall be Grover. He has the sweeter disposition.

SIMON Be whichever you wish to be, but be quiet! [deep breath] I will enter the room, in the form of a green, icy-cold corpse--

SOUND WHOOSH THUMP OF A PILLOW

ELEANOR Ha-ha! [aping the twins' laughter]

SIMON WOMAN!!!!

MUSIC STING

SCENE 9.

AMB BALLROOM

MUSIC WALTZ

CECIL You are so brave. And so lovely tonight.

VIRGINIA You dance divinely, Cecil, but this must be our last waltz, or people will talk.

CECIL My cousin says your brother is an excellent partner as well.

VIRGINIA Oh, yes. He is well suited for diplomacy.

CECIL I wish we could dance all night and you never need return to that moldy old pile.

VIRGINIA Fainting aside, Mrs. Umney is a fine woman.

CECIL Tomorrow is the anniversary of Lady Eleanor's death. The ghost will certainly leap upon the propitious moment.

MUSIC

SCENE 10.

AMB ECHOEY HALLWAY

SIMON [soliloquizing] Ah! The propitious moment! The clock strikes the quarter--

SOUND CLOCK STRIKES THE QUARTER

SIMON The moon hides her face behind a cloud. All is in readiness, and the night holds its stygian breath.

SOUND STEALTHY THUMPING FOOTSTEPS

SIMON And now Washington, screw your courage to the sticking point you may, but I shall have you unstuck! [begins a moan]

SOUND TWO MORE STEPS

SIMON [moan become a shriek of fear]

MUSIC

SCENE 11.

AMB PARENTS BEDROOM

HIRAM [snoring]

MRS. OTIS [waking up] Huh? [matter of fact] Hiram! Wake up!

HIRAM Yes, dearest?

MRS. OTIS Do you hear ...something?

HIRAM Is it that ghost fellow again? [listens] No, I cannot say I actually hear anything.

MRS. OTIS [already falling back] Hmm. Must be the twins.

HIRAM [snoring]

MUSIC

SCENE 12.

AMB GHOST'S GARRET

SOUND AGITATED PACING, ROCKING CHAIR THROUGHOUT

ELEANOR [flatly amused] A ghost?

SOUND CRUMPLING OF PAPER IN SIMON'S HAND

SIMON [terrified] YES! A Ghost! Its head was bald and burnished, its face round, and fat, and white. From the eyes streamed rays of scarlet light, the mouth was a wide well of fire, and a hideous garment, much like mine own--

ELEANOR Lacking the mouse insults.

SIMON --like to mine own, swathed its Titan form. On its breast was a placard with strange writing in antique characters--

SOUND RATTLE OF HEAVY PAPER

SIMON Doubtless some record of wild sins, some awful calendar of crime, some--

ELEANOR Why not read it and see?

SIMON [voice cracking] See?

ELEANOR See what it says.

SIMON [hesitates] No.

ELEANOR Why take it, then?

SIMON [mutters something]

ELEANOR Speak up, my lord.

SIMON [through gritted teeth] I found I had just clutched it as I left. I have no need to know--

ELEANOR Afraid?

SIMON AFRAID! [unconvincing] No.

ELEANOR Perhaps because he is the more terrifying ghost?

SIMON Nonsense! I have merely never chanced to SEE a ghost - except in a looking glass.

ELEANOR Give it me, ninny. I shall read it.

SIMON You dare--

ELEANOR I'll call you coward in an instant--

SIMON I WILL READ IT! [muttering as he reads, then a sound of outrage!]

ELEANOR So very wicked, my lord?

SOUND PAPER BEING VICIOUSLY CRUMPLED

SIMON [grim] Those damned children! They made it!

ELEANOR Made a ghost? I should have thought murder was a bit outside their purview.

SIMON AAArghh!!

SOUND PAPER BEING SNATCHED AWAY

ELEANOR Argh, indeed. [reading] YE OTIS GHOSTE, Ye Onlie True and Originale Spook, Beware of Ye Imitationes. All others are counterfeits.

SIMON No more games! [bellowing] When Chanticleer [rooster] has sounded twice his merry horn, deeds of blood will be wrought, and murder shall walk abroad with silent feet!

ELEANOR That would be you?

SOUND ROOSTER CROWS - ONCE.

[PAUSE, WAITING]

SIMON [muttered] Come on.

ELEANOR Perhaps you should go frighten it.

SIMON [muttered] Once more - for daddy.

ELEANOR It's not going to happen.

SIMON Nonsense, it always happens.

ELEANOR [pause] Nay. I hear nothing.

SIMON Perdition seize the naughty fowl, I have seen the day when, with my stout spear, I would have run him through the gorge, and made him crow for me an 'twere in death! [a bit whiny] Every time, throughout all known history, that such an oath has been sworn, chanticleer has sounded his blasted horn twice. Where is its respect for tradition?

ELEANOR Perhaps, dear husband, it is an American rooster.

MUSIC

SCENE 13.

AMB OUTSIDE

SOUND TWO HORSES REINING IN FROM A GALLOP

VIRGINIA [laughing] I let you win!

CECIL [teasing] Nonsense. Good breeding.

VIRGINIA So your blue blood makes you faster?

CECIL Not mine. The horse.

VIRGINIA [chuckles]

SOUND HORSES WALKING

CECIL Have you been well since I saw you last?

VIRGINIA Yes, very. No ghost.

CECIL None?

VIRGINIA I warned everyone about the anniversary, but nothing - well - a turnip ghost was found in the upper hall, but I am quite certain that can be attributed to my brothers.

CECIL How ... remarkable.

VIRGINIA Cecil, would you do me a tremendous favor?

CECIL Anything... Virginia.

VIRGINIA Would you-- Could you take my horse to the stable? I fear I've torn my habit and want to get upstairs before anyone spies me.

MUSIC

SCENE 14.

AMB BACK HALLWAY

SOUND [OFF SLIGHTLY] LIGHT ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS

SIMON [gusty sigh]

SOUND [COMING ON] FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE

VIRGINIA Hello? [gasp] You!

SIMON [gasp] You!

VIRGINIA [anticipating being scared] Ahh! [pause, nothing happens, confused] Oh!

SIMON Pfft. Don't fret yourself, girl. I cannot seem to gather myself for the effort. This is the one room where I can truly be alone. My wife haunts me in every other chamber.

VIRGINIA Should I leave you--?

SIMON Stay a moment. [overly casual] If you wish.

VIRGINIA My brothers are going back to Eton tomorrow, and if you behave, no one will annoy you.

SIMON Behave myself? Absurd. I must rattle my chains and walk about at night. It is my only reason for existing.

VIRGINIA That is no reason at all.

SIMON Why else would I be here?

VIRGINIA Mrs. Umney told us - you killed your wife.

SIMON It was purely a family matter. My wife was very plain, never had my ruffs properly starched, and knew nothing about cookery.

VIRGINIA [adamant] It is very wrong to kill anyone.

SIMON Oh? Her brothers starved me to death.

VIRGINIA Oh, Mr. Ghost -- I mean Sir Simon - I have a sandwich in my case, would you like it?

SIMON I never eat anything now; [beat, softening] but it was very kind of you. You are much nicer than your horrid, rude, vulgar, dishonest family.

VIRGINIA Stop it! It is you who are rude, and horrid, and... and as for dishonesty! You stole my paints for your ridiculous bloodstain. First you took all my reds and I couldn't do sunsets, then it just got ridiculous - who ever heard of emerald-green blood?

SIMON [meek, sulky] What was I to do? It is very difficult to get real blood. Your brother began it all with his Paragon Detergent, so I saw no reason why I should not have your paints.

VIRGINIA [annoyed, decisive] Good evening! I will go and ask papa to get the twins an extra week's holiday.

SIMON Please! Don't go, Miss Virginia. I am so unhappy, and I really don't know what to do. I want to sleep and I cannot.

VIRGINIA That's quite absurd! It is very difficult sometimes to keep awake, especially at church, but even babies know how to sleep, and they are not very clever.

SIMON I have not slept for three hundred years, and I am so tired.

VIRGINIA Have you no place where you can sleep?

SIMON [wistful] Hmm. Far away beyond the pine-woods, there is a little garden. The grass grows long and deep, with great white stars of hemlock flower, and the nightingale sings all night long. The cold crystal moon looks down, and the yew-tree spreads out its giant arms over the sleepers.

VIRGINIA [awed] You mean the Garden of Death.

SIMON Yes, death. Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, and listen... to silence. To have no yesterday, no to-morrow, to be at peace. [eager] You must help me. You can open for me the portals of death's house, for love is always with you, and love is stronger than death.

VIRGINIA How could I--?

SIMON You must weep with me for my sins, because without remorse, I have no tears; and pray with me for my soul, because I have no faith. Then, perhaps, the angel of death will have mercy on me. [pauses, waiting, then sighs in despair]

VIRGINIA [deep breath, courageous but shaky] I am not afraid, and I will ask the angel to have mercy on you.

MUSIC - LONGER

SCENE 15.

AMB FRONT HALL

HIRAM Virginia is nowhere to be found. Even the [rustics] are helping search for her. Washington, my boy? [confidential] The fish-pond?

WASHINGTON Nothing.

HIRAM Good. Don't tell your mother we checked. The poor woman is already nearly prostrate.

CECIL It is the ghost. I know it! He was jealous of our happiness and spirited her away! If only you had allowed our engagement, sir, none of this would have--

HIRAM Balderdash, Cecil [mispronounced see-sul]. First thing in the morning, I will engage Scotland Yard--

SOUND CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE - LOUD CRASH

SOUND VIRGINIA STEPS OUT OF A SECRET DOOR

CECIL Virginia!

HIRAM Goodness Gracious!

WASHINGTON [excited] A secret door!

HIRAM Good heavens! child, where have you been? Cecil and I have been riding all over the country looking for you, and your mother has been frightened to death.

VIRGINIA I have been with the ghost.

CECIL [rather melodramatic gasp] How did you escape?

VIRGINIA Oh, Cecil, he is at peace, now. He had been very wicked, but he was really sorry for all that he had done, and now-- [almost a sob]

SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN, FOOTSTEPS

MRS. OTIS My own darling! Thank God you are found; you must never leave my side again! [mmm - like a big hug, then] What is this?

VIRGINIA Sir Simon gave me this box before he died.

WASHINGTON But he's been dead for centuries.

VIRGINIA Only half dead, I think, would be more accurate. Now he's entirely dead. Finally able to sleep.

GROVER What's in the box?

OSCAR Yeah! Open it!

HIRAM Your sister can open the box or not as she pleases. She's not to be ordered around by monkeys like you two.

SOUND SMALL WOODEN BOX OPENS

MRS. OTIS Goodness!

MRS. UMNEY The long-lost Canterville jewels! Aaah.

SOUND BODY DROP

MRS. OTIS [exasperated sigh] She's fainted again.

MUSIC

SCENE 16.

AMB VIRGINIA'S BEDROOM

SOUND GENTLE GIRLISH SNORING

ELEANOR [coming on, exasperated ghostly groans]

SOUND LADYLIKE CHAINS

VIRGINIA [waking] Huh? Sir Simon?

ELEANOR [somewhat annoyed] No. You've seen to that, so now I have nothing better--

VIRGINIA Are you Lady Eleanor?

ELEANOR [surprised] Yes. He-- he told you--?

VIRGINIA He gave me something for you.

SOUND DRAWER PULLS OUT

VIRGINIA There.

ELEANOR A handkerchief?

VIRGINIA Open it.

ELEANOR But there's nothing--

VIRGINIA Look closer.

ELEANOR A spot?

VIRGINIA A tear.

ELEANOR [stunned] He ... cried--?

VIRGINIA He said he was very sorry for having killed you.

ELEANOR [skeptical] Oh? He did, did he?

VIRGINIA And for ruining your best bodice.

ELEANOR [believing] Oh!

VIRGINIA He hoped you could forgive him now and move on as well. He wants you to join him, where the nightingales sing, and he can give you a bouquet of white flowers.

ELEANOR Yes. [sigh] I could do with some sleep.

MUSIC - rise and out

CLOSER

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

Finding out this ship is special.

When eccentric recluse Simon Strong, who lives in a perpetually chilled state, vanishes (leaving some rather suspicious remains behind), his only known associate—a teenage delivery girl—is interviewed by the police!

Cast List Amber Sorensen - Krystal Baker Simon Strong - Joel Harvey Det. Phyllis Jermyn - Julie Hoverson Det. Howard Upton - Reynaud LeBoeuf Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a police station, can't you tell?"

********************************************

Chillin'

This didn't actually begin with me choosing to adapt another Lovecraft story (in this case "Cool Air"). Frankly, I really liked the 1999 short film, and have a soft spot for the version made for Night Gallery back in the 70s, so I never really considered Cool Air as a priority for adaptation - it had already been done well. Plus it was kind of low hanging fruit - one of the simpler, more straightforward stories to adapt.

Previous to this, I had produced Within the Walls of Eryx, and even before that, while studying screenwriting, I had practiced adaptation by playing with The Thing on the Doorstep, turning it into an hour-long screenplay that I eventually re-wrote into an episode of 19 Nocturne Boulevard.

Nope, this started when my niece Krystal and I went to see the film Juno.

We enjoyed the movie, and leaving it I decided I wanted to write a sassy teenage character, and started clicking through plots in my head that I could slap her into. The irony of sticking a character HPL would undoubtedly loathe into one of his stories did not escape me, and when "Cool Air" crossed my mind, it basically started to write itself.

I hammered out the script in less than a week and sent it to Krystal and asked if Amber sounded reasonably authentic, since Krystal was right about that age herself. Her response was "Could I please play her?" She did, and did a great job. I really love working with and encouraging kids in the arts.

Sig and Laurie (mentioned in the story as Amber's folks, but in reality my own dad and stepmom) came to watch the recording session with Krystal and be supportive, and Laurie at least can be heard in the bloopers in the end.

I also owe great thanks to my friend Robyn who helped with the punk rock details. She knows rock history back and forth and I knew I just needed the right comment or two to make the character really pop.

The story adaptation is extremely loose - in the original, a writer moves into a flat below a doctor who keeps his rooms unnaturally cold, and finds out that the doc has maintained his life, long past standard death, by keeping himself perpetually chilled, presumably at least in part to prevent decay.

Rather than going the doctor/science route for my version, I went with magic and reanimation. I did work a little hint into the story that Simon might be considering some further hocus pocus to preserve himself, but which might involve harming Amber, and he decides he can't. On the other hand, Amber's slightly guilty concern about having her backpack possibly searched and her disregard for the missing "spooky books" might just indicate that she's not quite ready to let go yet.

The original story "Cool Air" is also notable in that a female character is actually quoted as speaking - the landlady of the flats. Of course, this is only so she can be a terrible ethnic stereotype, but at least she actually talks, and may be the only female in all of HPL's major works who does.

Stay tuned at the end of this for a short clip of the German version of Chillin' (retitled "Eiskalt") from Contendo Media!!!

********************************************

CHILLIN'

Cast:

Olivia (host)

Amber Sorensen (16), punky teen

Simon Strong (60s), aged punk rocker

Det. Howard Upton (30s), tough cop

Det. Phyllis Jermyn (30s), nice cop

Bouncers

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a police station, can't you tell?

MUSIC MODERN COP DRAMA STING

SOUND THUNK OF TAPE RECORDER TURNING ON.

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM - WHIR OF TAPE RECORDER. OCCASIONAL SCUFFLE OF CHAIRS

UPTON Name?

AMBER [mocking] Sorensen. Amber. S-O-R-E-N-S-E-N. O-N is Norwegian.

UPTON What?

AMBER [said a million times] O-N is Norwegian, E-N is Danish.

UPTON So you're Danish?

AMBER [disgusted noise] Do I sound Danish? Uch. Like my great great great great great was.

UPTON Then why--?

JERMYN I understand. My name gets misspelled all the time. Let's move on. Present are detectives Howard Upton and Phyllis Jermyn [pronounced "german", pause] J-E-R-M-Y-N, and Amber Sorensen, with an E-N.

UPTON Age?

AMBER I have the right to remain silent. I have the right to an attorney. If I cannot afford one, one will be ... assigned? Allotted? I should know this - I watch enough Law and Order.

UPTON [sigh] We don't read witnesses their rights. That's for suspects. Age?

AMBER [sullen] You got my I.D. What does it say?

UPTON Hmm. You don't look 21.

JERMYN [sympathetic] You really don't.

AMBER Fine. So it's a fake - I want to speak to the D.A., like trade my information in return for a slide on the bogus I.D., can I‑‑??

SOUND PHONE BEEP

UPTON Oh, turn that off. Not just silent, either. Off.

SOUND PHONE BEING TURNED OFF

JERMYN We're really not interested in prosecuting you. We just want to know about Simon Strong.

UPTON The alleged Simon Strong.

AMBER Dude. He was the full meal deal, you know. I watched videos of his band, from like before I was born, and it was totally him.

UPTON Then who was the deceased?

AMBER Like I said, it was him. What? Do you ride the short bus?

UPTON It couldn't be him, because you said you spoke with him recently, and--

JERMYN [cutting him off] Let's start at the beginning. How did you meet Mr. Strong?

AMBER [miserable] He hates being called Mister. [deep breath, blasé lies] I was making a delivery--

MUSIC

SFX HEAVY METAL/PUNK MUSIC FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND, AMBER BECOMES VOICE OVER.

AMBER [v.o.] --of, some box or other. I got inside, took the wrong turn--

SFX MUSIC IS MUFFLED BY DISTANCE, BUT CLEARLY LOUD

SOUND AMBER'S HEAVY BREATHING UP CLOSE - SOUNDS LIKE ECSTASY, BUT IT'S JUST PANIC AND EXERTION.

AMBER Oh, shit!

AMBER [v.o] I was supposed to go to the manager's office--

SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AT A RUN

SOUND AMBER'S BREATHING QUICKENS. HER FOOTSTEPS TAKE OFF QUICKLY.

BOUNCER [off] Get back here, dogmeat!

AMBER [v.o] And I just knocked on the wrong door.

SOUND HEAVY FEET ARE DISTANT, BUT APPROACHING.

SOUND AMBER'S FEET GET CLOSE.

SOUND SLAM OF BODY AGAINST DOOR. POUNDING ON DOOR

AMBER Let me in! They're after me!!! Please!

SOUND POUNDING CONTINUES. HEAVY FEET GET CLOSER

AMBER Please! I - I'm having a heart attack! Let me in or I'll totally die!

SOUND SLIDING DOOR OPENS

AMBER Whoa!

SOUND STUMBLING STEPS FORWARD, BODY FALLS, SLIDING DOOR SHUTS.

SFX MUSIC CUTS OUT COMPLETELY.

AMBER Oh. Shit. Look, I'm--

SOUND SCUTTLING ACROSS WOOD FLOOR

SIMON [filtered, mechanical sounding] Look into the camera please.

AMBER Camera--? Oh. [shivers slightly]

SOUND A COUPLE OF HESITANT FOOTSTEPS

AMBER Hi! Look, can you just tell me how to get out of here? There's no need for --

SIMON [filter] What was that about a heart attack?

AMBER Oh, that. That was - that was bullshit. [joking] I had it removed - years ago.

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM [CUTS IN SUDDENLY]

UPTON Was your relationship with this Mister Strong, sexual?

AMBER Ew!!! He was like my great grandad's age - like, even older than you!

JERMYN [coughs away a laugh] You say you made the delivery and just happened to "make friends" with Strong? Everyone else says he was a complete recluse. Didn't like people.

AMBER Nah. He liked people, but he was really sick. I mean, like ill, not deviant.

SIMON [on filter] Step through.

SOUND DOOR SLIDES OPEN

MUSIC

AMBIANCE COOL ROOM - THE HUM OF A HEAVY FREEZER UNIT

AMBER [gasps at the cold] Whoa! Um, can I just go? I promise not to try any --

SIMON [unfiltered, but rough and almost a whisper] What WERE you trying?

AMBER I ... really just wanted to hear the band, but your guys caught me. I mean, I assume since you're here, they're yours--

SIMON I own the club, yes.

AMBER [after a slight silence] Okay, is it just me or is your heater broken? [brr noise]

SIMON [dry chuckle]

AMBER [noticing something] Dude!

SOUND A COUPLE OF EXCITED FOOTSTEPS

AMBER Can you watch, like, the whole entire club from here?

SFX ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS

SIMON [disinterested] I can--

AMBER Omigod! Do you have sound? Is there a button?

SIMON --but it gets boring after a while.

AMBER They're totally bumping uglies in the bathroom, right there! Look! Look!

SOUND SWITCH

AMBER [annoyed] Hey!

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM CUTS IN

UPTON Sick? What kind of disease did he have, Ebola? The state of that body--

JERMYN We really shouldn't go into that yet, Howie.

AMBER What time is it?

UPTON What? Why?

AMBER Just asking. You made me turn my phone off. I have a curfew.

JERMYN Would you like us to call home for you?

AMBER [shrug] Nah.

UPTON And your parents, they approved of all this?

AMBER My folks are... Cool. They don't care--

UPTON Like they don't mind that hair cut?

AMBER Sig and Laurie let me do dumb stuff cause they know I won't do anything stupid.

UPTON Like spending all your time hanging out in a bar?

AMBER It's a club. And, for a rocker, Simon was pretty uptight about underage boozing and ...stuff.

UPTON [leaps on it] Stuff? What kind of stuff?

AMBER What? Stuff. Just ... stuff. Dude, you need to switch to decaf. Or valium.

UPTON Did you ever see this man with any illegal substances?

AMBER Well, he had all kinds of medications - being sick and all, and I [sounding mock sorry] I guess I forgot to look them all up in the handy dandy book of all things illegal.

UPTON I thought prescription pills were the latest thing these days.

AMBER Only with the kind of freak whose parents go to shrinks and who have time to sit around and stare at carpet lint. I got better things to do.

JERMYN Like what?

AMBER Plus it's dangerous. You know what viagra can do to-- What?

JERMYN What kinds of things do you like to do?

AMBER I-- like music, I write. I function as a higher organism.

UPTON She means what do you plan to do with your life, Amber Sorensen with an E-N?

JERMYN Actually I was just--

AMBER What do you want, a mission statement and a business plan? Dude, I'm 16.

UPTON I knew what I wanted to do at 16.

AMBER [muttered] But your ass is so tight it whistles.

JERMYN [tries not to snicker]

UPTON Hmm?

AMBER [louder] I bet your dad was a cop.

UPTON So?

AMBER Nothing. Just you seem like maybe you grew up with it.

UPTON Are you gonna follow in your folks' footsteps?

AMBER [flat and sarcastic] Oh, yeah. Weddings are my life.

JERMYN We don't want to keep you here all night - curfew, and all that. What was wrong with your friend?

AMBER Simon said he had some kind of wasting thing --

MUSIC

AMBIANCE COOL ROOM

SIMON Munoz syndrome. I have to carefully regulate my body temperature.

AMBER So you're, like, Mr. Freeze? Not exactly Ahh-nold, there, string bean.

SIMON And I have to avoid excitement.

AMBER [pause] That's a hint, eh? Can I at least get out without going through the American Gladiators?

SOUND SLIDING DOOR OPENS

AMBER Thanks. Hey, if you get completely bored or anything, my I-M is--

SIMON No.

AMBER Um, ok. You just seem kinda lonely.

SOUND HER SLOW FOOTSTEPS

SFX WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS AGAIN

SIMON Perhaps you could come back tomorrow, during the day. I could use someone to run errands for me. The pay would be reasonable.

AMBER Could I watch the band?

SIMON You could watch from here, but you'd have to dress warmly--

AMBER I'll bring a parka!

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

UPTON Are you adopted?

AMBER [flabbergasted] What? Whoa! I think there are some low-flying non sequeters in here. Did you see where that came from?

JERMYN Uh... no.

UPTON You call your parents [checks notes] um, Sig and Laurie.

AMBER Doh, everyone does. [slow and condescending] Those are their names, Billy.

UPTON Most kids your age still call their folks mom and dad.

AMBER Maybe most kids your age. Most of us would rather be cremated. [shrugs] mm. Except to their face. The folks still like to think we're all the same little rugrats they knew and love. [snort]

UPTON So you make a point of lying to your folks?

AMBER There's that non-sequeter again. You should really get a bug zapper.

JERMYN You probably think of it as "humoring them" rather than lying.

UPTON Two faced is two faced.

AMBER If you can't be two-faced, you shoulda found a better one to be stuck with.

UPTON Look here--

AMBER I bet you never get to play good cop.

UPTON What?

JERMYN Howie, maybe we should take a break. Get some water.

UPTON [growl] I'm fine.

JERMYN Would you get me some? Amber?

AMBER Uh, sure.

UPTON [annoyed noise]

SOUND STOMPS OUT, DOOR SLAMS

AMBER Wow. Where do I get one?

JERMYN Don't be fooled - I'm not always the good cop.

AMBER Oh?

JERMYN You say you don't do drugs. We could test you--

AMBER [disgusted noise] pssh.

JERMYN --and go through your backpack--

AMBER [worried] Huh?

JERMYN But I'm going to trust you on that, because you walked right past one of our drug dogs on the way in, and I don't think you're the type to get caught in a stupid lie.

AMBER [thinks, then] You think I'll get caught in a smart one?

JERMYN Let's just agree that I won't underestimate you, and you do me the same favor.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE COLD ROOM

SOUND DOOR SLIDES OPEN

SIMON You can leave it there.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

AMBER Hey. Wassup?

SOUND WHIR OF WHEELCHAIR TURNING

SIMON [annoyed] What?

AMBER Just making conversation.

SIMON "Wassup" isn't conversation.

AMBER It is if you answer. Besides, with most of my friends, I-M-H-O, O-M-G, L-O-L is conversation. Wassup is practically a monolog.

SIMON [snort, then painful noise, trying not to cough] Well. [dismissive] Now that that's settled--

AMBER [overly casual] If you want me to go, just say. [shrug] I got stuff to do.

SOUND a MOMENT, then FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY

SIMON [calling] You... you wanted to watch the band?

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS

UPTON Your water.

SOUND WATER BOTTLES GET SLAMMED DOWN, ONE BY ONE

JERMYN Thank you. Howie.

UPTON [makes disgruntled noises]

AMBER Yeah. Cheers, Howie.

UPTON [disgusted noise] Huh.

AMBER Look, my parents actually like me to use their names - makes them feel like they're helping me assert my personhood or something. I do it to humor them.

UPTON Fine.

UPTON [trying to sound unconcerned] We need a physical description of the alleged Mr. Strong.

AMBER Watch a video of Madness Machine on Youtube. Then figure older. A bunch older.

UPTON How very...specific. How tall was he?

AMBER That's kind of a pickle. I never saw him stand up - he was always in his bumper car.

UPTON What?

JERMYN The mechanized wheelchair.

AMBER He had to avoid exerting himself [thinking] OK, so imagine classic Simon, then really thin - like even more than heroin-chic, maybe almost to starving third world skinny.

JERMYN Could it have been faked? Perhaps something in the way he dressed?

AMBER Doubtful, Phyllis. He usually kicked it in jams. Not much to hide behind.

UPTON Speak English.

AMBER [sounding british-ish] The subject in question had a strong tendency to desport himself in capacious yet abbreviated trousers, much as those the predominant choice of American surfboard riders lean toward.

JERMYN [Snicker]

UPTON You mean he wore shorts. In that cold?

MUSIC

AMBIANCE COLD ROOM

SIMON If it bothers you, I could put something else on.

AMBER Yeah, 'cuz like you're so tasty, Bubba-Ho-Tep, that I'm gonna totally jump on you if you keep wheeling around half-naked like that. [beat] Nah - it's kinda creepy, but I'll adjust. Like having a weird uncle.

SIMON [wheezy laugh]

AMBER But a cool one. I mean - not just [brr], but cool.

SIMON I must be, since you're neglecting your social whirl to spend time here in this arctic wasteland.

AMBER Oh, yeah - I have to sneak out the window to get away from the endless line of bimboons waiting to take me to the prom.

SIMON Bimboon?

AMBER It's like someone in a boy band, The guy equivalent of a bimbo.

SIMON [laughs]

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

UPTON He scooted around in a wheelchair, wearing shorts, and you didn't think that was odd?

AMBER Duh. Of course.

UPTON But you never told anyone about him?

AMBER He'd'a been pissed. Plus people woulda thought - you know - creepy stuff.

UPTON What if he decided to try something?

AMBER Beep beep. I can outrun a wheelchair. At least as far as the stairs.

UPTON And what if he could really get up?

AMBER I doubt it, Billy. He didn't have any little blue pills.

UPTON [flustered] I didn't-- I meant get up and walk.

AMBER Yeah you did. You're the one who's all worried he's gonna go perv on me.

UPTON If you were my daughter--

AMBER Get out of the way of the door. One of us would probably be dead.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE COLD ROOM

AMBER The bottles - it's all for your illness, right? Like the meth lab in the bathroom?

SIMON [shocked] It's not a--!

AMBER Doh, yeah. I was kidding. So is it a big secret experiment thing?

SIMON I - I keep tracking down recipes for preparations and elixirs that ... that might help me. Some seem to work for a little while, but nothing ... lasts.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

JERMYN [snap] Howie. Did you have any more questions?

UPTON What about his hair?

AMBER [snapped back] What? It looked pretty much the same.

UPTON A-ha! Too clever for his own good.

AMBER Not every guy over 50 needs canned hair, Billy.

UPTON And this guy claimed to be THE Simon Strong.

AMBER I already told you he was. I didn't even know who that was that first time, cause like I'd never heard of him before, but soon as I could, I googled him and voy-la!

UPTON Vwa-la.

AMBER [whispered] Beep Beep.

UPTON What?

JERMYN For the record, Simon Strong was the lead singer and songwriter for a punk band called Madness Machine in the mid to late 1970s.

AMBER American punk band.

UPTON Who cares?

AMBER [earnest] It's important - British punk was British punk and American punk was--

JERMYN But you'd never heard of this band before you met Strong?

AMBER [sigh] Pre-cisely. Funny sort of six degrees thing, though - once I saw the band name, it clicked, 'cuz my grandad had one of their albums in his LP collection. Serious. How's that for whoo-OO-oo [spooky noise]?

UPTON [disbelieving snort] Your grandpa listened to punk?

AMBER Duh. He willed his tattoos to science. Stay back from the door, Billy.

JERMYN You said you met Mr. Strong --?

AMBER Halloween night. That's why they had such a cool band in the house.

JERMYN About nine months, then. And how often did you see him?

AMBER Most days. I did his shopping and stuff and stopped in for a chat.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE COOL ROOM

SIMON Are you a retard? The Sex Pistols were totally the Monkees of punk. They were a made band. Their manager put them together.

AMBER [teasing] I suppose you met him too?

SIMON Once. How much respect can you have for a guy who also created Bow Wow Wow?

AMBER Bow Wow What?

SIMON You must ride the short bus. Beep beep, Billy, don't stand in the way of the door. [wheezy chuckle] The Ramones, now, they were the real thing. They lived punk.

AMBER You're pretty feisty for an old crip who's s'posed to keep frosty.

SIMON [dry chuckle]

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

JERMYN When our people searched the "residence" over the club, they found a number of, um - unusual items.

AMBER Like?

JERMYN The enormous refrigeration unit that apparently kept the place fairly, um--

UPTON Meat locker-ish.

AMBER [wry] So he was cool. So?

UPTON According to electric company records, he was using enough energy to be frozen.

AMBER And? What, didn't he pay his bill? It's his business what he does with his juice.

UPTON There are a lot of things you can do with that much juice. Things, for instance, that the narcotics squad would be very interested in.

AMBER [exasperated] Beep beep.

UPTON I am getting really sick of--

JERMYN Amber. Can you shed any light on the occult paraphernalia he apparently collected?

AMBER It's not like I had the run of the place. We'd just hang in the main room - where all the video consoles are. He talked about some old books, though.

JERMYN Did you ever see anyone else with him? Did he talk about other visitors?

AMBER Oh, heck no. He didn't like people to see how sick he was, but like, since I already knew, he had somebody to talk to, right?

AMBIANCE COOL ROOM

SOUND DOOR SLIDES SHUT

AMBER Hey!

SIMON [anxious] You're late.

AMBER [aping his wiped out voice] "Hi Amber, so glad to see you."

SIMON I was exp-- [slight chuckle, sigh] I am. Yes.

AMBER You worried about me or your [singsong] Special Delivery!?

SIMON It's here?

AMBER No, it's a phone book I wrapped up and sent the long way, let's see, through - wow. Egypt and London? That's tight!

SIMON Open it, please.

AMBER 'kay.

SOUND PAPER UNWRAPS FROM LARGE BOOK.

AMBER Oh, jeez - you got so ripped off.

SIMON What do you mean?

AMBER This is such a gag gift. It's like from that movie - "I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!"

SIMON Give it here. [pause] Ah. No, this is the real thing. The dark jewel of any occult collection.

AMBER [sniffing] Ok, so it smells older than Bruce Campbell, but still --

SIMON I need to be alone. Come back next Wednesday.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

AMBER He did burn incense and drink weird stuff. I figured it was alternative medicine, or maybe Kabbalah - that's all the rage with the red carpet crowd, right?

UPTON Did he ever say what was wrong with him?

AMBER Mun-yoes syn-drome, Billy.

UPTON Stop calling--

JERMYN But what is Munoz syndrome? Did you ever, say, Google it?

AMBER Well, yeeah. There were a couple - but they had longer names, and were like degenerative eye diseases, so I figured, you know, that wasn't it.

UPTON Did you ever ask him?

AMBER Well, right off I asked if it was catching, and he said no, so I figured that's all I care about, and if wants to talk about it he'll say.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE COOL ROOM

SIMON Munoz syndrome is extremely rare. I contracted it almost thirty years ago--

AMBER Ooh! Let me guess. When you [reporter voice] "vanished from the public eye"!

SIMON Where--?

AMBER Wikipedia. Shh. I'm shushing.

SIMON My band was in New Orleans, when this came on. Normal medicine couldn't help, so I turned to the uh, folk practitioners.

AMBER Like Voodoo? No wonder you're buying all creepy books and incense.

SIMON It's a lot more serious than movie voodoo, but that's close.

AMBER And the cold?

SIMON It slows my metabolism.

AMBER Mine too - Brr.

SFX THE HUM OF THE FREEZER DIPS FOR A MOMENT

SIMON [gasps and holds his breath until the power returns]

AMBER Wha--?

SIMON [very tense] The wiring's getting old.

AMBER So get a new fridge.

SIMON No, the building's wiring. Between music and lights and all, it carries quite a load.

AMBER You should move, then - and before summer. Seriously.

SIMON How can I go anywhere? I have to stay a constant level.

AMBER I dunno. [thinking] Hey, ice cream truck - I once saw this movie where they were carting a corpse around in the back--

SIMON [strong] No. No. Tomorrow, maybe you could look at generators.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

JERMYN But he was well off - according to the IRS.

AMBER He spent a buttload on his creepy books and exotic bags of dirt and stuff. [catching herself] Or, that's what he told me.

UPTON And he trusted you to carry around these expensive packages?

AMBER I didn't know what they were. I'd probably have freaked and got all paranoid. He said other people were after them, too.

UPTON [eager] Other people? Do you think they might have taken the books after Strong disappeared?

AMBER Tscha. He didn't disappear. He's dead. Beep Beep.

UPTON [takes in an angry breath]

JERMYN Ok, let's go back--

UPTON No, let's talk about this. You're saying that the corpse you discovered in that - what you call "the cold room" - was the person you knew as Simon Strong.

AMBER It had to be.

UPTON Then pray explain to me how it could be that that body had been dead for well over a decade?

AMBER [shrug, statement] You're wrong.

UPTON So all our experts are wrong. And you know better.

AMBER [trying] Your experts obviously aren't familiar with Munoz Syndrome. That's all.

UPTON Right. So you know better. You know what I think?

JERMYN [warning] Howie...

UPTON No, Phyl. Not this time. I'm getting tired of this little girl, trying to live in a dream world. She needs a dose of harsh reality.

AMBER [hysterical laughter] Harsh reality? [can't stop laughing] You don't have a clue how harsh reality can get. [breaks down into tears]

MUSIC

AMBIANCE COLD ROOM

SIMON Turn the thermostat down a bit, would you?

AMBER Down? Dude, my eyeballs are already icing over.

SIMON [pause] Maybe you shouldn't come here any more.

AMBER [upset] What? [beat, then blasé] And lose the school credit I'm getting for looking after the elderly and infirm? Uh-uh.

SIMON [slight wheezing laugh, turns into cough, then deep breath] I... I probably won't last much longer.

AMBER No way! You're fine! Well, not fine, but‑‑

SIMON It's been coming for a long time. And the elixirs aren't working any more. Nothing is working.

AMBER The book can't--?

SIMON I thought there would be things I could ...bring myself to do, but it's not worth it.

AMBER It's always worth living.

SIMON When I'm gone, take it and burn it. Promise?

AMBER If you can't use it, sell it! Use the money to get more colder. You'll be fine.

SIMON No.

SFX POWER DIP, THEN HUM RETURNS

SIMON [long shaky breath] I always think it will be the last one.

AMBER I'LL buy you a generator.

SIMON Have you seen the gas prices recently? Cooling takes too much energy - even if you get one, I won't be able to afford the gasoline.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

AMBER [still breathing in little gasps, coming down from a crying jag]

SOUND WATER BOTTLE OPENED

JERMYN Drink.

SOUND PLASTIC BOTTLE SET ON TABLE

UPTON [annoyed] Are you through?

AMBER [cough, sniff]

UPTON So, here's what I think is going on. This guy has been trying to establish himself as Simon Strong, famous recluse and mysterious celebrity.

AMBER That's too dumb even for the short bus.

UPTON Oh, yeah? Dumb to the tune of half a mil a year. Between the club, which the real Strong did purchase in December of 1979, and the royalties on his old music - particularly the musical um, chunks, or segments--

JERMYN Riffs.

UPTON Yes, whatever, that people used in their own--

JERMYN Sampled.

UPTON [deep annoyed sigh] During the 80s and 90s-- [waits, but there is no interjection] --he had pots of money rolling in.

AMBER Which he spent on books and crud. I told you.

UPTON Kid, no one spends that much on books. Did you ever actually see these books, or did you just bring him book-shaped packages?

AMBER [silent for a beat] No, I guess I never actually saw them.

UPTON I say he's been salting it away, staying around long enough to move everything to the Caymans and then - Voy-la - take a powder.

AMBER But the body--

JERMYN [sadly] WAS the real Simon Strong. Dental records have confirmed it. But Amber, he'd been dead for a very long time.

UPTON Which explains the cold. The fake didn't want the - uh - deceased stinking up the place.

AMBER [muttered] Yeah, easier to freeze the whole place, than just pack a corpse in a chest freezer.

JERMYN Are you up to telling us how you discovered the body?

AMBER [very subdued] Sure. I got to the club, and everything was dark. I freaked-- Well, I got really worried, and ran up to his room. The body was just... there... and it was...

JERMYN --In an advanced state of decomposition.

AMBER Yeah, that.

MUSIC

SFX NO SOUND OF FRIDGE, JUST DISTANT STREET NOISES.

SOUND DOOR SLIDES OPEN WITH DIFFICULTY.

AMBER [Grunts] Dammit, open! damm---it [squeaks through] Simon! Simon? [almost chokes] What is-- oh jeez!

SOUND HESITANT FOOTSTEPS

SOUND SQUISHY MOVEMENT NOISE

AMBER What the he-e-e-ll?

SIMON [Almost inaudible] Turn off the flashlight.

SOUND CLICK FLASHLIGHT OFF

AMBER I'll get you some ice, I'll ---

SIMON Damage is done. Don't go. I wasn't sure if I wanted you here or not -- for this.

AMBER Can I--? Do you need--?

SIMON Don't... touch me. Please. Just listen. Listen! Take the books and burn them. I need to know you will.

AMBER Yeah, sure.

SIMON I- I've willed the club to you. Don't get your hopes up, the police aren't going to .... [trails off]

AMBER Simon! [breaking down] I don't want you to die. You can't die! [etc., sobbing]

SIMON This isn't -- I... haven't... been living... for a long time. Let me go.

AMBER No!

SIMON Shh!

AMBER [controls herself] Shushing. [gasp]

SIMON In 1977, I O.D.ed on heroin and, [gasping cough] -- I... died. It was never reported because a local Bocor brought me back...

AMBER [small voice] Like a zombie?

SIMON [sigh, not quite a chuckle] I knew you'd understand.

AMBER But we can do it again, right? Bring you back?

SIMON [dying, trailing off] Beep Beep. Get out of the way of the door, Billy....

AMBER [sobs]

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM

AMBER Guess I'm glad it ain't him - the ... borscht. But he was cool. For an old dude.

UPTON If he contacts you in any way--

AMBER [dryly sarcastic] Oh, sure. I'll be right on the phone to you.

UPTON Do you understand the meaning of accessory to fraud? Harboring a fugitive, maybe?

AMBER Well, I do watch a lot of TV. Besides, it's not like I'm getting anything out of it.

UPTON The club has been transferred into your name, Amber Sorensen with an E-N. The heirs of the real Simon Strong will probably contest it.

AMBER Pff. Don't care. Are we done?

JERMYN You'll have to wait a few minutes while your statement is typed up. Once you sign it, you're good to go.

AMBER Sure. Hey, did your CSI guys really not find any books or anything at the scene?

JERMYN Nothing of any importance.

UPTON And no clue to his offshore account.

AMBER Hmm. Oh well. [grunts with effort]

SOUND CREAK OF LIFTING A HEAVY BACKPACK ONTO HER BACK

JERMYN You going to be OK without a coat? It's a bit chilly out tonight.

SOUND DOOR OPENS.

SFX OFFICE NOISE.

SOUND COUPLE FOOTSTEPS

AMBER Really? [laughs] Nah. I'm cool.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS LEAVE.

MUSIC MODERN COP THEME, FADE OUT

CLOSER

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

********************************************

Chapter 5 - The trip to Jupiter goes ... oddly

[The Outpost won the Gold Mark Time Award for best sci fi audio drama for 2008]

You wake up, millions of light years away, in a place nothing like home. ...What do YOU do?

Cast List

• Grant Hickey - Gene Thorkildsen
• Vanessa 98949 - Julie Hoverson
• Lassiter - Russell Gold
• Yasmin - Melissa D. Johnson
• Recorder - Beverly Poole

Episode and incidental music from the album "...go..." by Sulatus (www.sulatus.cbl.pl). (available on Jamendo.com) [Used under a Creative Commons license.]

Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Would you believe it's a habitat, in an asteroid cloud, in a distant corner of the galaxy?"

*********************************************************

The Outpost

This story was very loosely inspired by the movie Suna No Onna (Woman in the Dunes), from 1964; directed by Hiroshi Teshigahara from the novel by Kôbô Abe, as adapted by Eiko Yoshida, starring Eiji Okada and Kyôko Kishida and the sand.

It's an awesome film - superficially about a man who is trapped by a small town and placed with a woman as her new husband. In the film, he's an office worker and amateur entymologist seeking to make some kind of name for himself by finding a new species of bug on his day trip to a beach. He falls asleep and wakes to find he missed the last bus, but a local town has someone who will take him in for the night - a woman who lives at the bottom of this odd huge sand pit.

The whole town live at the bottoms of these pits, and we slowly realize that the sand has built up over the town for generations, and they just dig out the areas around the huts by night and have the sand taken away. The woman lost her husband and child in a sandslide and cannot handle the work of digging the sand all by herself, so they have placed the man with her as her new husband - letting him down and taking away the ladder. The man also finds out that he's not the only one - other men in other houses were similarly abducted.

I didn't want to work with any of that for my story, specifically since I had determined to make it a gender reverse, and a woman kidnapped and handed to a man to be trapped as his wife is kind of ... a lot of real history.

So I focused on the subtext and themes of the movie. At its heart, it's a culture clash, the man representing "modern japan" (in the 60s) and the town and woman being so traditional that they won't even leave ancient homes that are being devoured by the sand. In modern life, people are cogs, and he's coming from a life where he's basically interchangeable - hardly even missed when he vanishes - into one where the good of the community and the comfort of the partner are directly affected by the actions of the individual and each person is therefore important.

That gave me a more satisfying framework to play with. By creating these two cultures - the efficient and interchangeable people she comes from - where even her personal achievements are somewhat generic - and the humble, personal, and individual life in the asteroids, where he takes time to respect the dead, and is proud of his little triumphs.

I also wanted an equivalent to the sand. The film is basically a three character piece, with the sand as much a presence as the two people in it. I made the outpost, with its gripes and problems, sounds, and needs, as similar to that as I could.

I like to think it's the writing that makes this episode really great but I give a lot of credit to my costar, for being able to bring to life a male character that is strong without being overbearing, who is in control without being controlling, and who is never ashamed to feel.

That left me free to be a bitch.

Of course the climax comes in both stories when the captive has a chance to walk away. I won't spoil it.

****************************************************************

THE OUTPOST

Cast:

• Olivia (host)
• Grant Hickey (M20s-30s), calm and lonely. Stoic, eager.
• Vanessa 98949 (F20s-30s), sharp and commanding, modern
• Recorder (any)
• Lassiter (M20s-30s), on Janice (another nearby outpost)
• Yasmin (20s), another survivor of the Xanadu

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an outpost in an asteroid cloud, can't you tell?

MUSIC

AMBIANCE INSIDE OUTPOST MU LAMBDA EPSILON [Millie]

SOUND MACHINE AND ELECTRONIC NOISES, SLOSHING OF LIQUID

VANESSA [waking up noises, then with a start, coughing]

GRANT Easy now. Just breathe.

VANESSA [breathing, coughing a bit]

GRANT Tell me. Do you know your name?

VANESSA My what? Of course.

GRANT Tell me your name.

VANESSA Vanessa 9 [breaks into coughing]

GRANT [incredulous] Your name is Vanessa 9?

VANESSA Don't be stupid. It's Vanessa 98949. How old do I look? [coughing]

GRANT [not a clue] Um...

VANESSA Where am I?

GRANT I'll tell you whatever you wanna know. Later. You're all wrung out.

VANESSA Nonsense. I am ordering you to tell me--

GRANT Now there ain't no call to get huffy, miss.

VANESSA [offended] Where is your Vox? I plan to let her know precisely--

GRANT My what?

VANESSA [altering slightly] Your Vox? The one who gives you orders?

GRANT Ain't got none.

VANESSA There must be a female around here somewhere!

GRANT Nope. Just me. And you.

VANESSA What the hell kind of place is this? [pain] ooh.... ah.

GRANT There, now. You lie back down and get yourself some rest. [fogging out] Waking from deepsub is no cakewalk...

MUSIC

VANESSA [waking sharply again, gasp] Ohh.

SOUND SWOOSH OF POD HATCH OPENING, HESITANT FOOTSTEPS, A STUMBLE

VANESSA Where is that throwback? Hmm?

SOUND SHE PICKS UP A NOTE AND A RADIO

VANESSA [reading] Frequency 12. great. [louder, commanding] Frequency 12.

SOUND NOTHING

VANESSA [more strident] Frequency 12. [Ugh!]

SOUND RADIO UNIT BEING SHAKEN, CRACKLES TO LIFE

VANESSA [hesitant] Frequency 12? Is there anyone here?

GRANT [on filter] No need to holler.

VANESSA Your comm unit isn't set to recognize my voice!

GRANT [baffled] Oh. I'll... see what I can do. You need anything?

VANESSA [snap] No. Well, I could use something to eat.

GRANT All righty. I have to finish up something, and I'll be down as soon as I can.

SOUND CLICK RADIO OFF

VANESSA What? You get down here immediately! Ugh!

SOUND THROWS RADIO UNIT - SOMETHING SNAPS

MUSIC

SOUND SHE PACES

SOUND DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN, HE ENTERS, DOOR SHUTS

GRANT [sigh] All righty. Brought you some chow.

VANESSA [seething] It's been almost an entire hour!

GRANT [matter of fact] You caught me outside. Was quicker to finish what I was doing than to come in and get back out again later.

VANESSA Give me that.

SOUND TRAY RATTLES

GRANT [grunt of effort] No.

VANESSA What? How dare you?

GRANT You're in my home, and if you can't be civil, then ... well, I can be downright rude too.

VANESSA There must be someone else here - I will report your behavior--!

GRANT Nope. Just me. Like I told you.

VANESSA Take me to your comm unit--

GRANT No.

VANESSA [faltering] But I--

GRANT You can ask nicely.

VANESSA [indignant] What? How can you even look me in the face and say such a thing, male?

GRANT [beat, then sigh] Call me again when you're in a better mood.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN

VANESSA [up] The-- [deep breath, forces herself to a nicer tone] The radio is broken.

GRANT Broken? Hold up.

SOUND SETS TRAY DOWN. PICKS UP RADIO

VANESSA I... shook it. It wouldn't listen to me!

SOUND RADIO SHAKES, RATTLES

GRANT Hmm. Looks like I'm gonna have to get in there.

SOUND VANESSA TRIES TO BE SNEAKY, GRABBING SOMETHING TO EAT

GRANT But I still don't understand what you're saying about-- [sees her eating, makes an impatient noise]

VANESSA [around a mouthful] You expect me to starve? I just woke from deepsub. I require caloric intake.

GRANT [sigh, tsks]

SOUND HIS FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR SWOOSHES SHUT

MUSIC

SOUND TINKERING WITH MACHINERY - LITTLE ZAP NOISES, ETC.

VANESSA Just ...about ...there!

SOUND BLIP AS SOMETHING TURNS ON

RECORDER [crackly] Life pod B-L-T-L-1-4-5, ship Xanadu, designated X-14-Z-3-J--2-0-5--

VANESSA [real relief] Finally - a civilized voice! Recorder. Play back the Xanadu's final entry.

RECORDER Final log entry of star cruiser Xanadu. G-vector, Delta quadrant, encountered space debris. Explosion. Unknown cause. Xanadu evac mandated. Pods loosed at ship day 172, T-vector, speed normal.

VANESSA Calculate time in transit.

RECORDER Calculating. One thousand, three hundred and eighty two days since Xanadu Evac.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

VANESSA Four years--?

GRANT [off] You were on a star cruiser?

VANESSA [gasp]

SOUND BONKS HEAD AS SHE REACTS

GRANT That musta been interesting.

VANESSA Yes, I am part of the crew of the Star Cruiser Xanadu, bound for Ganymede 800 in the Gargon nebula. There will be people looking for me.

GRANT [rueful] Not here they won't.

VANESSA What do you mean?

GRANT I don't know what all your specs there are, but first, no one much comes this far out, and second, well, I do know the Gargon Nebula is hellagone from here.

VANESSA You have to let me contact someone.

GRANT Nope. I don't have to do anything.

VANESSA I order you! As third under-lieutenant subchief, engineering bay 5 of the star cruiser Xanadu, I command you to take me to your comm room.

GRANT Pff.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE

VANESSA [very last second] Please.

GRANT [off, leaning in] Wish I could. Left you some food there.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

MUSIC

SOUND ELECTRONIC MENDING NOISES

SOUND DOOR OPENS

GRANT Whatcha doing?

VANESSA Keeping busy. What do you want?

GRANT You about ready to come out?

VANESSA Out of what?

GRANT The room here?

VANESSA The room? [working up] You kept me locked up in here, and now you ask--

GRANT Door don't even lock. I was wondering why you never--

SOUND HER STOMPING FOOTSTEPS

VANESSA Door open! See? Nothing happens!

GRANT Well o'course not. Doors don't have ears.

VANESSA Normal doors take orders. Radios too.

GRANT You're an underengineer sub chief thingee and you don't even know how to work a door?

VANESSA Normal doors take orders!

GRANT Well, I guess we're all a bit old fashioned here. This is how you open the door. Wave your hand right here--

SOUND WhoooosH. DOOR OPENS

VANESSA [sullen] Oh. I see. Wait!

GRANT What?

SOUND SLAMS HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL

VANESSA You said we're all a bit old fashioned - who is "we"?

GRANT [controlling some strong emotion, at being slammed against a wall] Well - um - I was including the doors and all. [deep breath] Since you like t'talk to them all.

SOUND SHE LETS GO

MUSIC

GRANT [off] To the left there.

SOUND DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN. A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, THEY SLOW

VANESSA This is it?

GRANT [pride] Yup. Millie's brain center. There are 42 more like her spread throughout the cloud - um, here.

SOUND BUTTONS PUSH. SCREEN HUMS TO LIFE

GRANT Pretty, huh?

VANESSA It's rubbish.

GRANT [hurt, but covering] Millie has 12 chambers - each a self-sealing unit, in case of breaches - and a backup--

VANESSA How do you call out?

GRANT Hmm?

VANESSA Out! How do you call out! I need to make arrangements to get the hell out of here!

GRANT It don't quite work that--

VANESSA Nothing here works! Nothing works at all! [almost hysterical]

SOUND SLAP

VANESSA [stunned gasp]

GRANT Now I'm real sorry about that, but you need to breathe. And let me finish my sentences.

VANESSA I could have you up on charges so fast!

GRANT Well, not here, you couldn't. [sigh] Now, as I was about to say, you can call the other habitats, or the quarterly supply ship - if he's in range. Just might be - he come through here only last week.

VANESSA Another male? What is this, throwback central?

GRANT What you got against fellows?

VANESSA [disgusted noise] Males have been proven inferior and in the civilized galaxy have been effectively relegated to a purely functional capacity.

GRANT You mean where you come from is all ladies? Don't it get boring?

VANESSA What? What are you implying--?

GRANT Just - well, how do you have kids?

VANESSA

GRANT So everyone has to have kids?

VANESSA No one "has" children. [shrugs, indifferent] Everyone donates genetic material, and it's automatically matched up with compatible fertilizing agents. Children belong to the community, and are raised in a proper safe environment, under supervision.

GRANT But - those poor little boys and girls--

VANESSA Girls.

GRANT [sigh] Them poor little kids, never knowing who their - mommas are.

VANESSA They're cared for by properly trained personnel. Much better for their long-term physical and mental health. How would someone like me, with a career on a star cruiser, ever find that sort of time?

GRANT That's real sad.

VANESSA Not to mention, I haven't spent my life immersed in study of childhood ailments and development.

GRANT Well, neither did my mama.

VANESSA Yes. I'm sure.

GRANT [hurt, slightly annoyed] Look, you can mock me, and turn your nose up at Millie, but don't you never speak ill of my mama.

SOUND CRACKLE OF STATIC

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Hey Grant? You there? Grant? You there?

SOUND SQUEAK OF CHAIR, CLICK

GRANT Yup. Whatcha need?

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] That capsule thing you sold me - you got yours to work OK?

GRANT [hurried] Ah, hell. Let me call you back, Lassiter.

SOUND CLICK

VANESSA [absolute fury] Sold?

GRANT I got work to do.

SOUND SLIGHT SCUFFLE, SHE BLOCKS HIM FROM LEAVING

VANESSA [not quite screaming] Was he talking about a deepsub pod like mine?

GRANT [muttered] I find all sorts of things.

VANESSA You sold a - a - a PERSON to that - that male?

GRANT What makes you think the pod weren't empty?

VANESSA That's slavery! And you know what that means?

GRANT Don't matter. Sides, what would I do with two of y'all out here?

VANESSA The same as you're doing with one - nothing at all!

GRANT [standing up to her a bit] Yup. long as I'm talking to you, I'm doing nothing at all. Like I said, I got work to do.

SOUND HE LEAVES, DOOR

MUSIC

VANESSA It was one of these switches--

SOUND RADIO STATIC

VANESSA Yes! [lower, into the mike] Lassiter? Come in Lassiter?

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Huh? Who's this?

VANESSA I'm at .... Millie.

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Excellent - it did work! You tell Grant to let me know what he did, y'hear?

VANESSA To wake up the woman in the pod?

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Yeah. [eager] I can't wait.

VANESSA [warning] Lassiter. You do know it's vastly illegal to rescue someone and then force them into slavery, don't you?

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] What?

VANESSA If you press her into service, you are committing high seas slavery, according to Rule 4715 D of the unitary code.

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Is Grant there? Can you put him on?

VANESSA Shut up!

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Jeez.

VANESSA Lassiter. I will make a bargain with you.

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] I dunno--

VANESSA I will help you revive the survivor, if you will -- let me talk to her as soon as she wakes up.

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Sure.

VANESSA And if you understand that I will find a way to come over there and kill you if you hurt her in any way.

LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Hurt her? Hey! I paid good money for--

VANESSA Agh!

MUSIC

YASMIN [scratchy, on filter] What do I do?

VANESSA Be placating - we have to try and get together, make our way home.

YASMIN Aye-aye, Vox. Data mode for now. I await your word.

VANESSA Remind him I will kill him if he hurts you.

YASMIN He doesn't seem very threatening. I could put him down if I have to.

VANESSA Good. Engineer Vanessa 98949 Out.

YASMIN Yasmin 222338 Out.

GRANT [sad] Whatcha doing?

SOUND CHAIR WHIPS AROUND

VANESSA Huh?

GRANT I see you found your friend.

VANESSA We were part of the same crew. I have rank, so I told her I would protect her. It's my duty.

GRANT Protect her? From Lassiter? He ain't some kinda -- of -- I ain't even sure what you're thinking he is.

VANESSA A man.

SOUND GETS UP FROM CHAIR

GRANT [realizing] Are you afraid of me?

VANESSA [thinks, then] You hold all the cards. All you have to do is refuse me food, and I'm helpless.

GRANT I wouldn't do that!

VANESSA You already did.

GRANT I was trying to get you to-- Look, if I wanted to actually hurt you, I gotta blaster for that. I just wanted you to think twice and act civil.

VANESSA How many more were there?

GRANT More?

VANESSA Of the deepsub pods. Did you just find the two?

GRANT [grudging] Four. Total. Lassiter's was the last to revive, so all of y'all are all right.

VANESSA All right? Let me talk to them!

GRANT You gotta learn to stop giving me orders. You're not my momma.

VANESSA Your mother is--?

GRANT She died. Since then... [shrug] I got work to do.

VANESSA [belligerent] What is this work that seems to constantly demand your attention?

GRANT You ask nice, you'll get a lot more answers.

VANESSA [beat, then making an effort] What is it that you do all day?

GRANT Salvage. Used to be mining, but the cloud here grabs every lump of crap out of the nearest 10-20 sectors, so salvage pays a helluva lot better.

VANESSA Salvage?

GRANT And maintenance. Millie here's old. I keep her limping along, but it's truly full time.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

GRANT Come on. I'll show you where the food units are. Then you ain't gotta wait on me if you get hungry.

MUSIC

GRANT So this switch here changes the band - you gotta jiggle it a bit, here, sometimes. And this list here shows all the other habitats - the ones up top are closest - most reliable for contact. Next down, these three - well - I ain't heard from them in a while. Not even sure they're still... functional.

VANESSA Vacated?

GRANT No one vacates. Not unless-- But [trying to convince himself] comm equipment goes down sometimes - a lot - and it's a bitch to get the right parts.

VANESSA All the habitats are as old as ...this one?

GRANT Yeah, they were built for miners - never really meant to be permanent, but you know how things go.

VANESSA Why don't you leave?

GRANT Leave?

VANESSA If you sell your salvage, it must go somewhere. Someone must be buying it. Why don't you just go, too?

GRANT Why?

VANESSA You say it's a full time job just keeping this place from falling down around your ears. So find another place.

GRANT But this is my home. I was born right here in Millie.

VANESSA It is falling apart. I hope you don't think I plan to stay here with you.

GRANT [beat, then neutral] Course not. But you do owe me.

VANESSA [indignant again] Owe you?

GRANT I rescued you. I pulled your damn pod in here and I woke you up.

VANESSA That's --

GRANT And I've been feeding you and letting you breathe my air - which ain't cheap, I should point out.

VANESSA Then let me get out of your air.

GRANT First you gotta ... you know...pay me back.

VANESSA [suspicious] How, exactly?

MUSIC

SOUND ELECTRONIC REPAIR NOISES

VANESSA Damn! Bloody stone-age tools!

SOUND CLICK RADIO TURNS ON, VERY CLEAR AND NO STATIC

VANESSA Ha!

GRANT [on radio] What?

VANESSA [a little winded] I patched your antenna into the router from the pod's emergency signal - some serious interface issues, let me tell you - but you should get much clearer signals now.

GRANT [on radio] [congratulatory] Damn.

MUSIC

SOUND CLANK OF METAL DROPPED

VANESSA Damn.

GRANT Everything all right?

VANESSA Half my damn solar cells were damaged in the landing.

GRANT So?

VANESSA I was thinking I'd jury rig them into something, get you a little extra free power. Bloody hell.

MUSIC

SOUND SOLDERING IRON SPARKS, STOPS, FACEPLATE UP

GRANT That's a nice bead right there.

VANESSA Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it. Now watch this. [command] Chicken!

SOUND VENDING MACHINE RUMBLES, THEN CLUNKS

GRANT Holy cow!

VANESSA Well, chicken, but yes - you get the idea. I still have to code the machine's other foodstuff options in for voice. I'll need to get your voice into the system sometime, too.

GRANT [mood dropping] Right. O'course. So I can do it myself.

VANESSA [not noticing] Absolutely.

MUSIC

VANESSA You didn't have any trouble making contact? I appear to be at the very arse end of the cloud, so they're out of my range from here. Damn these archaic --

YASMIN I... got them. You may be disappointed, though.

VANESSA Why?

YASMIN Helen 74589, and Griselda 80281 ... um... do not ... wish to participate.

VANESSA What are you saying?

YASMIN They have become attached to this place.

VANESSA How the blazes--?

YASMIN Griselda declined any details, but Helen seems to find some - companionship in the man Conrad and his children.

VANESSA [disparaging] Children. At least we've only got men to deal with.

YASMIN [iffy note] Yes.

MUSIC

SOUND MACHINE DISPENSES FOOD

VANESSA Sit down.

GRANT Sit? Why? I always eat standing.

VANESSA You practically sleep standing. I have never seen you relax.

GRANT Last time I just sat and waited was...

VANESSA Yes?

GRANT [evasive] Don't know. doesn't matter.

VANESSA Why not sit?

GRANT Too much to do.

VANESSA Please.

SOUND BEAT, THEN SQUEAK OF A CHAIR

VANESSA Haven't I helped at all?

GRANT Oh, yeah - many hands make light work, like momma used to say, but there's always more to do. [beat] But the repairs are real good. If this keeps up, I can maybe repressurize capsule 14. [trails off]

VANESSA Do you need the space?

GRANT [hurt but covering] Never hurts - could put some more hydroponics in there, maybe put in some greens and generate oxy of my own. Why not? It's like minting money.

VANESSA You'd be better off with algae tanks. They take more processing to make them palatable for eating - much more - but they've been genetically manipulated to give a much higher O2 to cubic foot ratio, and they require less nutrient.

GRANT I'd have to get it from somewhere--

VANESSA Shouldn't be difficult - most cruisers have algae tanks, and all you need is a dip to start with and some growth media. The tank - well you could pretty much put anything together, if you're not too concerned about sterile edible conditions - but for oxy production, anything that will contain the growth medium and keep the temp stable will do. You'll need U-V simulators, too--

GRANT Yeah. [sigh] Maybe you can send me some when you get home.

VANESSA --you could re-make one room for food plant growth and have the algae - What?

GRANT Nothing.

VANESSA There's even better technology out there, you know. I'm surprised you're not more curious.

GRANT Well, I figure it's like this - of all you've talked about so far, doors that listen and whatever, this algae thing is the only one that seems like it'd fit into my life. Everything else is like - so far beyond me, I don't see it mattering much.

VANESSA But you would know. You would have something to - to work toward.

GRANT Something to chase? Something to... miss. Something to worry about not having? Nah. I figure, easier just to assume you're gonna tell me you can shit blueberry cobbler - it's all well and good, but I don't wanna do it. And goodness knows I don't wanna eat it.

VANESSA [laughing] Cobbler?

GRANT I-I got things to do.

VANESSA Let me help.

GRANT [breath] Nah. It's all outside - I gotta hawk in some stuff.

VANESSA [brightening a bit] Outside? In a suit?

GRANT [very unhappy] Yes.

VANESSA Let me help!

GRANT No.

VANESSA Why? Are you afraid I'll run away?

GRANT [muttered] No, just ...float away.

VANESSA What?

SOUND HE GETS UP

GRANT It's my job. I have to do it.

VANESSA Do you have two suits?

GRANT Yes.

VANESSA Many hands make light work.

GRANT [thinks, then] No.

VANESSA Look, I've put in my 100 hours on simulators, plus over 300 hours working on the hull in stagnant space. Goodness - you've even got gravity here--

GRANT Minimal gravity.

VANESSA Point is, I know my way around a suit!

GRANT [finally snappish] Look! If things didn't have to be done, I'd never get into one of those damn things myself! There's no way I'd put you in that kind of danger.

VANESSA You don't - you don't like being out there?

SOUND DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN

VANESSA But - but I enjoy--

SOUND HIS FOOTSTEPS EXIT

GRANT You don't want to be here and that's fine. I'd rather see you leave on the cargo ship than [barely controlled] floating off into blackness...

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

MUSIC

VANESSA Can you ask your Lassiter something?

YASMIN [on filter] You can talk to him yourself.

VANESSA I just want to know about suit drifts in this area.

YASMIN Why?

VANESSA [overly casual] Just something Grant said.

YASMIN Ah, here he is - You can help Vanessa, can't you? [teasing, fond noise] Hmm?

LASSITER [on filter] Sure. What you need? [snickers, then aside] Stop that!

MUSIC

GRANT Chicken.

SOUND DISPENSER DISPENSES FOOD

VANESSA How old were you?

GRANT [completely startled] what?

VANESSA When your father drifted?

GRANT [tightly controlled] Why do you care? You don't even have a father. [beat] I should get back to--

VANESSA No. Unless you actually physically move me, you're not leaving this room. Talk to me.

GRANT [mumbled] I don't want to talk to you.

VANESSA Why?

GRANT [swallows, then sighs, speaks very quietly] The more I talk to you, the more I'll miss having someone to talk to - later. [sniff] Get out of my way.

VANESSA No. I've lost people in space too - I did my time in the corps, shipboard accidents... I- I understand.

GRANT It's different with family.

VANESSA Show me.

GRANT I was 12 when my father's line got tangled, and he had to cut it - then something in the piece he was salvaging blew, and - it took forever for him to be completely out of sight - he kept talking right up to the edge of radio range....

VANESSA [pause, then sincere, if dry] I feel for you.

GRANT Thank you.

VANESSA I wish I knew what to say.

GRANT That's all right. [deep breath] I've got work to do.

SOUND HE WALKS AWAY

VANESSA Your food?

SOUND HE DOESN'T SLOW - DOOR SHUTS

MUSIC

VANESSA How do you talk to them?

YASMIN [arch] It's not always in the talking. What's wrong?

VANESSA I want to - offer him sympathy, but he just walks out of the room. He says he... just wants to ignore me until I leave.

YASMIN Are you still planning to leave?

VANESSA Aren't you?

YASMIN Well. No.

VANESSA Why? Is it the sex?

YASMIN Well... That's part of it - you have to admit it's kind of fun.

VANESSA I don't - haven't.

YASMIN Maybe that's why he's avoiding you.

VANESSA But don't you want to go back to your job? Your home? Don't you want your life to have some meaning?

YASMIN Meaning? What meaning?

VANESSA I was on the way to making full chief engineer - and I would have been the youngest to reach that grade. Ever,

YASMIN [dry] You would have impressed everyone.

VANESSA Don't talk like that about my goal. The point of ... everything.

YASMIN And who benefited from this goal?

VANESSA I would. The ship would. Everyone on it.

YASMIN And someday someone would reach that rank even younger, and when you retired, someone else who could do the job just as well would take over, and no one would even remember you.

VANESSA I would--

YASMIN Unless you did something like - I don't know - discover an alien race or die to save a bunch of people - but how often does that really happen?

VANESSA I once prevented an explosion because I spotted a faulty valve.

YASMIN And I'll bet every person you saved came and thanked you.

VANESSA [somewhat dissatisfied] The point of preventing a disaster is so that no one knows they were ever in danger.

YASMIN [sigh]

MUSIC

AMBIANCE SPACESUIT. BUZZ, BREATHER, ECHO

SOUND BOTH - this scene - on filter throughout

VANESSA You needed help--? Oh!

GRANT It's jammed. I can't shift it alone.

VANESSA I see. Hold on.

SOUND METAL IMPACT

GRANT Is your line secure?

VANESSA Yes. I checked and double checked. Hmm.

GRANT Do you think the person inside is still all right?

VANESSA Won't know if she is till we clear some of this debris. [beat] Looks like it still has some power.

GRANT Help me shift this plate - I think it'll clear some of this.

VANESSA Hold on - No, not that. There's too much leaning on it, and we don't know which way it'll fall.

GRANT What then?

VANESSA Um.... This. I think this is the key piece, and I don't see anything it can bring down with it.

BOTH [Grunt with effort]

SOUND A BUNCH OF STUFF SHIFTS

GRANT Ah hell.

VANESSA What? [seeing the damage] Oh.

GRANT At least we should be able to get it clear, now.

VANESSA Let's lighten the load - get the corpse out of there.

GRANT No.

VANESSA Why?

GRANT You want to just dump her out, right here?

VANESSA Why not? She's dead.

GRANT She still deserves some respect. I'll do it, if you don't want to be bothered.

VANESSA Do what?

GRANT Bury her.

MUSIC

SOUND HATCH SHUTS, HELMETS COME OFF. SOUND OF REMOVING SPACE SUITS

SOUND SOMETHING DROPS

VANESSA [sharp gasp]

GRANT Hey? What's wrong?

VANESSA [in pain] Nothing.

GRANT Let me-- [sigh] You shoulda come back in earlier - your fingers are nearly blue. I told you the heat circulation in that suit ain't up to snuff.

VANESSA I'm fine.

GRANT Give me your hands.

VANESSA What?

GRANT Let me warm your hands fro you.

SOUND BEAT, THEN SKIN ON SKIN, AS HE SLOWLY CHAFES HER HAND.

VANESSA How do you do that?

GRANT Hmm?

VANESSA [gasp] Your hands are... warm.

GRANT They just come that way. Here, hold your hand here while I--

VANESSA In your jacket?

GRANT Just do it. Give me the other one.

SOUND SLOW CHAFING AGAIN

VANESSA They're fine now. I'll go and--

GRANT I don't like that nail color there. Can you feel this?

VANESSA Yes. I'm perfectly capable of--

GRANT This?

VANESSA [a bit more irritated] Yes. I know what the--

GRANT This?

VANESSA --difficulties with cold can be, and-- what?

GRANT This?

VANESSA [startled] No.

GRANT Here. [puts her finger into his mouth]

VANESSA [long gasp, startled, amazed, and aroused]

GRANT [talking around her finger] Stop squirming.

VANESSA Let - let go. Let go!

GRANT Need to get the circulation back. Heat and suction.

VANESSA Ahh!

SOUND SLIGHT STRUGGLE, SHE PULLS HER HAND FREE

GRANT [mouth noise] Look. Whatever it is you don't like about this - is it worth losing a finger over?

VANESSA [long beat, erratic breathing] No. [gasp as he takes her finger again]

MUSIC

GRANT [talking on the radio] Thanks for the heads up Lassiter, but it'll happen or it won't. Glad you're doing well, and... and congrats.

LASSITER We're real happy.

GRANT Out.

SOUND CHAIR TURNS

GRANT [startled] Oh!

VANESSA Congrats?

GRANT Lassiter and Yasmin are pregnant.

VANESSA [bothered] Oh.

GRANT Well, they're pleased.

VANESSA I didn't mean to sound... I'm just confused.

GRANT Well, it won't be for much longer. Quarterly cargo ship will be here in the next couple of hours.

VANESSA Grant?

GRANT Don't worry - by my calculations - we're pretty much square, in fact you're a bit ahead, hooking up those solar panels and all--

VANESSA Grant--

GRANT So I'll just cover the cost of your trip, at least as far as--

VANESSA Grant!

GRANT Damn, now you got me lost.

VANESSA Grant, I--

GRANT I appreciate your help here... Vanessa. Got me ahead of my schedule. [cracking a little] Um, I should go and get the cargo ready.

SOUND CHAIR SQUEAK, FOOTSTEPS, THEY STOP

VANESSA Grant. I need to know something.

GRANT Whatever I can help with.

VANESSA Would you-- Do you-- [a breath] What will you do?

GRANT When?

VANESSA If - when - if I go.

GRANT Same as I done before. Nothing's gonna change.

VANESSA You should have kept Yasmin or Helen - they love it here.

GRANT Yasmin loves Lassiter. And Helen--

VANESSA [snapping him back] Grant. Why me?

GRANT [muttered] You're ...the prettiest.

VANESSA I ...am?

GRANT Yup. I looked at you and I knew that if I was ever gonna take a chance, it'd have to be on that one. [sniff]

VANESSA Tell me you want me to stay.

GRANT N-no.

VANESSA You don't - want - ?

GRANT You go home. Have a good life. I got cargo to move.

SOUND HE SHOVES PAST HER

MUSIC

SOUND RADIO TURNS ON

LASSITER Grant? You there?

GRANT Um - yeah.

LASSITER How'd it go?

GRANT I'm doing all right. Even ordered an algae starter culture.

LASSITER But your ...lady--?

GRANT Oh, I'm still ahead, even after her ticket--

LASSITER Ticket? Ticket? You let her leave?

GRANT Course. [breaking down] She - sh-she don't belong to me.

LASSITER She woulda gotten used to it.

GRANT I had to get used to being all alone. How could I do that to--?

VANESSA --to me?

SOUND CHAIR TURNS FAST

GRANT What-- What happened? Did they-? Did you miss it?

LASSITER Grant? Grant?

VANESSA I decided there was a better use for the cost of my passage - negotiated for three more solar panels, and a couple more oxygen tanks for the suits.

GRANT I don't understand.

VANESSA It was what Yasmin said, about being important to someone.

GRANT But I never said you were--

VANESSA You said it every time you couldn't look me in the face.

GRANT But what do we do now?

VANESSA We build a tank for the algae. Many hands make light work.

GRANT Many hands make light work.

VANESSA Oh, yes, and--

GRANT And?

VANESSA This--

SOUND NOISY KISS, RUSTLE OF AN EMBRACE

VANESSA Not bad. You could use a little practice.

GRANT [gasping a bit for breath, making a joke] Well - I may have had my 100 - and then some - hours of simulation, but I never actually took one of those there out for a spin.

VANESSA [chuckles] Wait till you see the rest of the equipment...!

CLOSER

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

Chapters 3 and 4!

The ship finally gets into orbit, and with difficulty must try and escape law enforcement.

[warning - mature themes and explicit violence]

A surreal Q&A session reveals the workings of a victim's mind.

Cast List

• Marnie - Julie Hoverson
• Doc - Julie Hoverson
• Jerry - Brandon O'Brien
• Momma - Risa Torres
• Harold - Mr. Synyster
• Deputy Fred - Joel Harvey
• Little Girl - Krystal Baker
• Little Boy - Marhya Post
• Grampa - Rick Lewis

Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)

Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson

Cover Photos: Alan Bridges (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Don't you know where you are?"

***********************************************************

Where are You Now?

This is a weird ass episode.

I wrote this very deliberately in a stream of consciousness style, probably inspired by a weird dream, but I don't remember specifically.

I did write the entire script in roughly one sitting, then cast and recorded it immediately - I wanted to see if I could make an entire episode in a single week, which I basically did.

The most challenging effect in this was throwing the chiffoniere down the stairs.

I actually have a sort of sequel - more in tone than using the same character(s), obviously - in mind, and may do it someday. A big part of the idea for this was to make the vast bulk of the dialog mine, so I didn't have to get too much out of other people, thus making it a quicker recording turnaround.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

I'm going to explain, sort of, what this episode is and what it means, at the end of the transcript, below. A lot of info will be there, since most of my memories of making this are tied up in why I wrote what I wrote.

***********************************************************

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

Cast:

• Olivia
• Doc (F/40+), german, sounds like shrink
• Marnie (F/20), hysterical young woman
• Harold (M/30), mush mouthed freak
• Fred (M/30), a crooked deputy
• Old Man (M/senile)
• Creepy Little Girl (F/10)
• Creepy Little Boy (M/10)
• Momma (F/30ish), Mrs. Cleaver - with cleaver
• Jerry (M/20), Marnie's dead boyfriend.

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Don't you know where you are?

MUSIC

SCENE 1.

SOUND A SLOW CHORD, WHICH STAYS UNTIL NOTED

DOC Where are you now?

MARNIE [startled awake] What?

DOC Can you hear my voice, Marnie?

MARNIE Yes.

DOC Where are you now?

MARNIE [slightly panicked] I - I don't know.

DOC Tell me what you see.

MARNIE I see a room.

DOC Are there people in the room?

MARNIE [fear] Yes!

DOC You are safe, Marnie. Calm down. Now tell me what you see.

MARNIE [calm, almost robotic] I see five people sitting at the table.

DOC Are you sitting with them?

MARNIE No, I'm in the corner.

DOC Do they know you're there?

MARNIE [ominous] Oh, yes.

DOC Tell me what they look like.

MARNIE There's a very old man, a small boy, a girl who looks a bit older than the boy, a police officer, and a very large man with a bag over his head.

DOC Is there food on the table?

MARNIE No. It's not here yet.

DOC Good. Tell me one thing about the little girl.

MARNIE Her eyes can suck your soul.

DOC Good. And the old man?

MARNIE He has a scar on his leg that aches when it rains.

DOC Good. Has the food arrived yet?

MARNIE The one with the bag is named Harold.

DOC Please answer only the questions I ask you, Marnie.

MARNIE [frightened, small] I'm sorry.

DOC I forgive you.

MARNIE I love you.

DOC That was not the question.

MARNIE [trying to remember] Um. Um. The food! No. Still no food.

DOC Good. Are you comfortable?

MARNIE [lying, almost a whisper] Yessss.

DOC Very good. Tell me about where you are sitting.

MARNIE I'm in the corner.

DOC Are you in a chair? Look down.

MARNIE It's a chair with wheels, and straps.

DOC Straps? Are you strapped in?

MARNIE [breathing hard, getting louder and louder] Yes - my hands are - hands are - I can move them, but the leather cuffs - like movies about crazy people!

DOC Are you crazy?

MARNIE [almost a wail] No!

DOC Can you control yourself, Marnie?

MARNIE [a couple of gasping breaths, then quickly] Yes!

DOC I can help you.

MARNIE [wail] No! No! [gasp, then tight but controlled] No. I'm all right.

DOC For now.

MARNIE I feel... peachy.

DOC [beat] Your hands are restrained. What else?

MARNIE There's a strap around my chest, and I can feel one around my legs.

DOC Do the people talk?

MARNIE Yes. Some. They're waiting for someone.

DOC Someone? Or the food?

MARNIE [almost hysterical] I don't know!

DOC What do they say? Tell me exactly.

MARNIE I'll try--

DOC [still even and calm] Trying isn't going to cut it, missy.

MARNIE [noisy gulp]

DOC I know you can do it.

MARNIE [sob] The man with the bag doesn't talk at all.

DOC Harold?

MARNIE Yes, Harold.

DOC And?

MARNIE The policeman says--

MUSIC FADES OUT, NO OTHER TRANSITION

SCENE 2.

FRED You shoulda seen her! Jumped clean over the fence.

BOY I can do that.

OLD MAN Pancakes.

FRED You can't 'cause - 'cause you're a little butterball.

BOY I'm magic.

GIRL [pronouncing] You are a shoe.

SOUND CLATTER OF SPOON DROPPED ON PLATE

OLD MAN Pancakes! Pan! Cakes!

FRED [panicky, trying to calm him] Shh! Shh! Pancakes, yes. It's all coming. Shh. Clouds. [dropping to a whisper] Little white fluffy clouds.

OLD MAN [drawn out whisper] Pancakesssss. Pancakes.

SOUND MOMENT OF SILENCE, THEN

SCENE 3.

MUSIC COMES IN WITH A CHORD

DOC [sigh] You know what happens when you lie to me.

MARNIE [resigned groan] I'm not lying.

DOC Pancakes?

MARNIE [almost a sob] Yes.

DOC The food - is it there yet?

MARNIE [sharp gasp, then frightened] It's coming!

DOC Good. Let's move forward. Who brings the food?

MARNIE [awe, fear] Momma.

DOC Tell me.

MARNIE [mounting fear] Perfect. Plastic. Pearls. Each hair in line, like sweet little soldiers.

DOC She is carrying--?

MARNIE [rising fear] She ...has a cart. There is a covered dish.

DOC What are you wearing?

MARNIE [snapped back] What?

DOC I ask the questions.

MARNIE I'm sorry!

DOC What are you wearing. Look down.

MARNIE Oh. [beat] T-shirt, jeans - I can feel ... sneakers.

DOC And--?

MARNIE What?

DOC [warning] And--?

MARNIE My clothes? They're... torn up - I think I was in a fight.

DOC [calm again] Are you injured?

MARNIE [beat] My ankle hurts. I'm scratched up. My... head...

DOC [avid] Is there blood?

MARNIE I -

DOC [avid] Is there blood?

MARNIE I - I don't think it's mine.

DOC Tell me who then.

MARNIE [on a long sigh] Jerry.

DOC How?

MARNIE [shocked] I found him in the barn. He was flopped over the edge of the ...hayloft - I thought he was dead. There was blood everywhere. [starting to sob] Dripping all over me.

DOC What did you--

MARNIE [interrupting, still sobbing] Then he - he moaned.

MUSIC FADES OUT

SCENE 4.

JERRY [very weak] Marnie!

MARNIE [whispering] Jerry! Oh, god - Jerry!

SOUND CREAKING OF LADDER

JERRY Help... me....

MARNIE Here, let me move you - [grunt as she drags him]

JERRY [moans, trying to keep quiet]

MARNIE Oh, god.

JERRY It's bad.

MARNIE I think so. It's too dark.

JERRY [gasping, in agony] No. It was the kid. You have to get out of here!

MARNIE But you--

JERRY I ... I'm not going anywhere ... you gotta go and get help!

MARNIE Where?

JERRY Just get the hell out! The woods--

MARNIE [smothered gasping sob]

JERRY [whisper] Shit!

HAROLD 3,4 shut the door...?

SOUND BARN DOOR CREAKS OPEN

MARNIE [smothered gasping sob]

SOUND SILENCE, THEN

SCENE 5.

MUSIC CUTS IN

DOC Is that when they took you in?

MARNIE No. Jerry distracted him.

DOC Who?

MARNIE Harold.

DOC [satisfied, smug] Harold.

MARNIE [sobbing] After I jumped out the window, I heard Jerry scream.

DOC [warning] Did I ask?

MARNIE No?

DOC You don't sound very sure.

MARNIE [quick, panicky] No. You didn't ask. I'm sorry.

DOC I think you need a reminder--

MARNIE Please! I remember! [long beat, then] I... love you.

DOC Pancakes.

MARNIE Pancakes?

DOC Is the food on the table?

MARNIE [long shaky sigh of relief] Yes.

DOC Where did you sleep?

MARNIE [blindsided] What?

DOC Where did you sleep?

MARNIE I didn't.... Oh, I was... knocked out. The food‑‑?

DOC Please try and keep up. When were you knocked out?

MARNIE That was later - after... Jerry.

DOC Who did it?

MARNIE Harold, I said it was Harold.

DOC That knocked you out.

MARNIE Oh, no. He did Jerry.

DOC You're not following. Let's have a break.

MARNIE [long wail] No!!!

SOUND ELECTRIC HUM

MARNIE Umumumumum. [jittery series of hums, like being electrocuted]

MUSIC OUT

SOUND HEARTBEAT

SCENE 6.

AMBIANCE WOODS, CHEERFUL

SOUND CRUNCHING OF WALKING

JERRY Marnie?

MARNIE Yeah?

JERRY Uh, This camping trip isn't too bad, eh? I mean, I know you didn't want to--

MARNIE [sweet] It's not too bad. Gloria had to beg me to get me to come, but... It's OK.

JERRY I mean, what can you say against nature, right? Fresh air, secluded lake. Perfect for... skinny dipping?

MARNIE I brought a suit.

JERRY Ah... It'll be cool.

MARNIE Probably freezing - that's a glacier-fed lake. But, yes, it will be fun.

JERRY Good. You don't mind ... Gloria being kinda busy all the time?

MARNIE Oh, you noticed? [laughs] She and Tim haven't stopped fooling around since we got here.

MUSIC SUDDENLY CUTS IN

SCENE 7.

DOC Better now?

MARNIE [gasping, shuddering, trying to force words out coherently] Better. Yes. Of course.

DOC Good. Let's continue.

MARNIE [snorty sob, then deep breath] All right.

DOC Jerry died.

MARNIE [almost a sob] Yes.

DOC You loved him.

MARNIE I think so.

DOC You don't know?

MARNIE I - I liked him, but we were just getting to know... each... other? [afraid she said something wrong, gasping snorty sobs]

DOC [beat, then slightly disdainful] How sweet.

MARNIE [she calms a bit]

DOC Did you screw him?

MARNIE No!

DOC Of course not - pure sweet innocent you.

MARNIE I-- I don't--

DOC [casual] Shut up.

MARNIE [hiccuping gasp]

DOC Where is Gloria?

MARNIE Gloria? [starting to cry] She's my best friend.

DOC Was that the question?

MARNIE She... she... Um [trying to remember] she's dead?

DOC [sigh, tsks]

MARNIE No - no! She's - was - in the van.

DOC Very good. [beat] When did you find her?

MARNIE Uh - after the barn. I was trying to get away. [suddenly remembering] Jerry gave me the keys.

DOC Good old Jerry. Go on.

MARNIE I ran to the van, and Gloria and Tim ... were... [sobs]

DOC Please be specific.

MARNIE [through sobs] They were in the middle of - you know--

DOC Sex?

MARNIE Yes. They were together, and someone had cut off... both... their... heads...!

DOC [Tsks]

MARNIE The heads were lined up next to them... like they were watching.

DOC Charming.

MARNIE Checking their progress.

DOC Has the food arrived?

MARNIE [gasp, stops herself from speaking, then dead calm] Yes. Momma is in the room.

DOC What does she do?

MARNIE [getting agitated] She opens the dish.

DOC What is in the dish?

MARNIE [almost incapable of speaking] Sssteam.

DOC Look down at your lap.

MARNIE [snort, hiccup] Yes.

DOC What do you see?

MARNIE My knees. Blood. The carpet. I'm glad the blood is all tacky, so it won't drip and ruin the carpet. They would be so angry.

DOC Are they talking?

MARNIE Yes.

DOC Don't look. Just speak the words.

MARNIE Momma says--

MUSIC OUT

SCENE 8.

MOMMA Three cheers for the founder of the feast.

FRED Hip hip hooray-- [tapers off, when he realizes no one else is with him] Oh.

LITTLE GIRL Can I eat the tail?

LITTLE BOY Pancakes.

OLD MAN PAN CAKES!

FRED You just had to set him off! Didn't you?

HAROLD [quietly] 1-2 buckle my shoe.

OLD MAN PanCAKES! Lovely golden brown.

MOMMA Nothing like a nice dinner together.

SCENE 9.

DOC Are there empty chairs?

MARNIE No. They are all here.

DOC What about your chair?

MARNIE I'm in it.

DOC Are you? Look back.

MARNIE I'm strapped in.

DOC You must have got free.

MARNIE Yes. I-- [gasps and catches herself]

DOC What?

MARNIE I'm sorry. That wasn't the question.

DOC Good girl.

SOUND ELECTRICITY

MARNIE [hums and groans with the jolts]

SOUND HEARTBEAT

SCENE 10.

AMBIANCE OUTSIDE, PLEASANT WOODS

JERRY Don't worry about it. It was probably just a hiker or something.

MARNIE [mildly worried] But he looked so weird. His face was like a puzzle.

JERRY It was just the bushes.

MARNIE I know.

JERRY I bet it was the weird guy we saw on the road on the way in. You know, the one that just stood there and stared as we drove past. You know. Now, we all agreed this weekend is for fun.

SOUND SPLASH

MARNIE What was that?

JERRY What?

MARNIE The splash?

JERRY Wow, you need some serious relaxation.

MARNIE But I heard a splash, and -- Something wet?

JERRY Nonsense. [fading out] It's just last night's rain.

DOC [whispered voice, very spooky] Marnie.

MARNIE Jerry! I know you must have heard that!

JERRY Marnie, you're making yourself into a basket case. There's nobody for miles around! It's perfectly safe.

MARNIE But that voice--

DOC [quick echoey whisper] Marnie.

MARNIE It knows my name!

DOC Wake up!

SOUND WOODS VANISH

SCENE 11.

MARNIE [Crying] Why can't you just leave me?

DOC Now, that wouldn't do either of us any good, would it?

MARNIE I want to stay there. With my friends.

DOC And die?

MARNIE [hiccups sobs, then uncertain] Yes.

DOC I don't think that's quite true.

MARNIE Yes.

DOC You fought so hard to get here.

MARNIE I walked on broken glass.

DOC Poor toes. Poor little piggies.

MARNIE [resigned] What do you want?

DOC I ask the questions.

MARNIE [sigh] Fine. Go on.

DOC I also give the orders.

MARNIE [beat, sniff] I'm ready.

DOC Maybe you can learn the rules. [beat] Very good. Where are you now?

MARNIE Right here.

DOC Are you?

MARNIE [unsure] Yes.

DOC Close your eyes and when you open them, you will see clouds.

MARNIE Clouds?

DOC Do you see them?

MARNIE I'm afraid.

DOC Open your eyes.

MARNIE Clouds.

SCENE 12.

OLD MAN k-k-k-k-ake.

LITTLE GIRL Burn it.

MOMMA Dig in!

FRED Again?

LITTLE BOY There's a face in my soup.

SCENE 13.

MARNIE [screams]

DOC Don't backslide.

MARNIE [screams and sobs]

DOC [tsks] And we were making such good progress. [sigh]

SOUND SINGLE SHORT JOLT OF ELECTRICITY

MARNIE [gasps to a stop]

DOC Just right. Thought I was going to lose you.

MARNIE I can't look! Not at that!

DOC Have to toughen you up.

MARNIE I can't--

DOC Look down.

MARNIE My lap.

DOC And in your lap?

MARNIE Hands.

DOC Restrained?

MARNIE Yes.

DOC Really?

MARNIE [unsure] Yes?

DOC Then how will you escape?

MARNIE I... can't.

DOC That is not the right answer.

MARNIE Please help me!

DOC Are they very tight?

MARNIE No. But if I get loose, they'll see.

DOC But if you don't get loose while they eat, you will end up in the clouds.

MARNIE Pancakes.

DOC Precisely. Can you pull loose?

MARNIE I have to brace it against my leg.

DOC Good girl. Now you're thinking. Describe the room.

MARNIE The table--

DOC I know about the table. Where are the windows and doors?

MARNIE The windows are steamed over.

DOC Doors?

MARNIE Momma came from the kitchen. To my right. [slowly, carefully looking around] There's a door beside me. Over my left shoulder.

DOC Watch them. Tell me what they're saying while you get your hands free.

MARNIE I can't--

DOC Do you want it again?

MARNIE No! [beat, breathing harshly] I can't look at them.

DOC Listen.

MUSIC

SCENE 14.

LITTLE BOY I'm not hungry.

LITTLE GIRL I'll eat yours. I want to grow up big and strong.

OLD GUY [mmm mmm mmm - chewing noisily]

HAROLD Five, six.

FRED Tasty, momma. As usual.

MOMMA Oh, you!

MARNIE Almost.

DOC Talk to me, not them.

MARNIE It hurts.

DOC Life is pain.

MOMMA Clean your plate, Hun.

FRED He's a little butterball.

MOMMA [cold as ice] That's not nice.

FRED Sorry, Momma. Sorry! I love you.

MOMMA Did I ask you? Harold - look at this mess.

HAROLD Lay them straight?

MOMMA You can take him and hose him off.

FRED Yes, momma.

MOMMA And soak that pillowcase. [cutesy] Can't have my good linens all stained.

FRED Can I finish eating first?

MOMMA [cold] I don't know, can you?

FRED May I?

MOMMA [sweetness] Of course, dear.

MUSIC

SCENE 15.

MARNIE My right hand is free.

DOC Don't struggle too much. These buckles are tough for a reason.

MARNIE I think the one with the bag--

DOC Harold.

MARNIE --is watching me, but I can't tell.

DOC Does he say anything?

MARNIE No...

DOC Once you get your wrists free, what will you do?

MARNIE The strap around my chest--

DOC And your legs?

MARNIE I don't think that one is very tight.

DOC Don't underestimate it.

MARNIE Why are you helping me?

DOC [kindly] I ask the questions.

MARNIE Right. Sorry.

DOC No need. Who am I?

MARNIE What? I mean, I don't understand. I don't know.

DOC I think you do.

MARNIE No. I don't know why I'm here.

DOC But you're not.

MARNIE Not what?

DOC Is your wrist free?

MARNIE Yes.

DOC Move your hands slowly to the buckle, then quickly unhook it.

MARNIE Slowly.

DOC Cats see movement.

MARNIE Rods or cones? I forget.

DOC Clouds. Watch the clouds. Unhook the strap.

MARNIE Freeze. They're looking.

DOC Don't move. Let them forget.

MUSIC

SCENE 16.

FRED Should we feed HER?

LITTLE GIRL Throw something at her.

MOMMA A night without supper will do her good. Take Harold - there's a good boy.

FRED Yes, momma.

LITTLE BOY I want a finger. Can I take a finger?

MOMMA If you're good. I'll save one for you.

LITTLE BOY Good as goat.

OLD MAN Gold. Gold is good. Golden brown. Pancakes.... k-k-cake!

MOMMA Yes, popsy. All good.

MUSIC

SCENE 17.

DOC And now?

MARNIE They're looking away. Maybe they will leave me.

DOC Not if they see your wrists are loose. Quick - choose.

MARNIE Choose what?

DOC Unbuckle and run or pretend you're still secure and wait.

MARNIE My ankle hurts.

DOC Then sit.

MARNIE I'll put my hands back.

DOC We will see.

MARNIE D'you think they will?

DOC I can't see the future.

MARNIE Isn't this a memory?

DOC Is it?

MARNIE Where did I go when I got free?

DOC I ask the questions.

MARNIE But I don't remember.

DOC Take it one moment at a time. Who am I?

MARNIE A doctor?

DOC Medical?

MARNIE No.

DOC Ah - now you're thinking. Let's get through this.

MARNIE They've left the room.

DOC You are alone?

MARNIE The old man is still here. They'll come back for him.

DOC What can you do about that?

MARNIE I'll run.

DOC He'll yell like a klaxon.

MARNIE I've got the buckle undone. Now my legs.

DOC Why don't you kill him?

MARNIE What?

DOC I ask the questions.

MUSIC FADES TO "ROOM TONE"

SCENE 18.

SOUND STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS

MARNIE I'm sorry - I thought I didn't hear you right. You said to--

DOC There are always pancakes in heaven.

MARNIE Open the gates and let him [exertion] IN!

OLD GUY Oof! [dying noises]

SOUND SQUISH OF KNIFE INTO FLESH, GUSH OF BLOOD

DOC Is there another knife?

MARNIE I have it--

SOUND METAL COVER FALLS TO FLOOR

MARNIE [wail] No!

DOC Stop.

MARNIE [quick] I'm sorry. The platter! Oh, god!

DOC Steam. Clouds.

MARNIE Jerry!

DOC Don't look.

MARNIE I can't --

DOC Jerry is gone. Do it for him.

MARNIE [hissing whisper] Yesss.

DOC Knife?

MARNIE Cleaver.

DOC Nice.

MARNIE [turning a bit gleeful] Cleaver. Momma. Kitchen.

DOC Sounds like a plan.

MARNIE Thank you.

DOC I love you.

MARNIE [serious] That means a lot.

SCENE 19.

SOUND KITCHEN DOOR SWINGS OPEN

DOC Keep down.

MOMMA Hmm? What?

SOUND HIGH HEEL FOOTSTEPS

MOMMA Who's playing games?

MARNIE [whispered] Come just a little closer.

SOUND A COUPLE MORE FOOTSTEPS

MOMMA Hello?

DOC Now!

MARNIE Ungh!

SOUND KNIFE CUTS NYLONS, LEG.

MOMMA [screams]

SOUND BODY COLLAPSES, SHOE SCRABBLES ON TILE FLOOR, BLOOD SPURTS

DOC Neatly done. Hamstring. Quick or slow?

MARNIE No time. Ungh!

SOUND KNIFE GOES IN AGAIN

MOMMA [gurgling, choking]

SOUND HANDS SKITTER ACROSS TILES, THEN FLOP AND DROP

DOC [long sigh] Such a pretty color.

MARNIE Looks good on her.

DOC Four to go.

MARNIE Jerry said it was the kid who... [almost breaks] ...got ...him.

DOC You're finally taking this all seriously.

SOUND THUMP OVERHEAD

MARNIE How many stairs would the house have?

SOUND DOOR OPENS A CRACK

DOC [kindly] I ask the questions. You'll have to count them.

MARNIE I should see if there's something longer.

DOC Tablecloths can cloud the issue.

MARNIE You and your clouds.

SOUND FEET COMING DOWN THE STAIRS

DOC six, five, four--

MARNIE Three, two one ---

SOUND DOOR STARTS TO OPEN, THEN IS SLAMMED SHUT, BODY FALLS

FRED [yell, groan]

DOC Full point.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN AGAIN

FRED Momma? What are you doing--?

MARNIE I ask the questions.

DOC I love you.

FRED I think you broke my-- urk!

SOUND KNIFE PLUNGES INTO THROAT

FRED [gurgling as he dies]

DOC It's quite warm, isn't it?

MARNIE Yes.

DOC Hot.

MARNIE Boiling.

DOC [concerned] Steam?

MARNIE [dismissive] Clouds.

DOC [satisfied] Yesss. Time to go hunting.

MARNIE Rods or cones?

DOC Sticks and stones.

MARNIE [chuckles]

SCENE 20.

SOUND CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS UP THE STAIRS

SOUND CREAK, FEET STOP

DOC Steady. Where are you now?

MARNIE Almost to the top.

DOC What do you see?

MARNIE Hallway. Doors.

DOC And behind you?

MARNIE Just the stairs.

DOC [stern] Did you look, or just guess?

MARNIE [panicky] Sorry! I'll - I'll look. It's stairs. The door at the bottom is shut.

DOC Did you shut it?

MARNIE [almost a wail] I don't remember!

DOC Calm down. One, two buckle my shoe--

HAROLD [off, calling] Three four, shut the door--

MARNIE [quiet, calming herself] Five six. Pick. Up. Sticks.

DOC Harold is looking too.

MARNIE [calm again] Yes.

DOC Don't forget the children.

MARNIE [breaks a little] Jerry

DOC Yah, dear Jerry.

HAROLD [coming closer] Seven? eight? Lay them straight?

MARNIE [very quietly] Marco!

DOC [chuckles nastily, then] Here in the hall, or one of the rooms?

MARNIE Here. Here I have someplace to go--

SOUND DOOR WRENCHED OPEN AT BOTTOM OF STAIRS

HAROLD Nine, ten - a big fat hen!

DOC What will you do now?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS COMING UP STAIRS

SOUND GRIND OF FURNITURE BEING MOVED

MARNIE [exerting herself] No one ever fights them. That's why.

DOC What was the question?

HAROLD Eleven, Twelve - dig and delve.

MARNIE [exerting] Why do they always win?

DOC Excellent.

MARNIE I love you.

DOC Of course.

SOUND GRIND OF FURNITURE ENDS, HEAVY SOMETHING GOES THUMPING DOEN THE STAIRS

MARNIE Hah!

HAROLD [scream of outrgae]

DOC Don't get too full of yourself--

SOUND STAB

MARNIE [gasp of pain]

LITTLE GIRL [flat] You broke the chiffonier.

DOC It's low. You'll live. For a while. Kill her.

MARNIE She's just a kid!

SOUND SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS BACKING UP, SMALL CHILD FOOTSTEPS STALKING, INTERMITTENT DRIPPING

DOC You do not ask the questions!

MARNIE [meek and in pain] No. I'm sorry!

LITTLE GIRL We could have played. [tsks]

SOUND KNIVES SHARPENING

MARNIE You hurt me!

LITTLE GIRL If I didn't, Harold would just have to.

MARNIE I- I can't!

DOC No time for breaks now. Give or take. [beat, solemn] I love you.

MARNIE I'm sorry.

SOUND MARNIE DASHES FORWARD

MARNIE Ung!

SOUND PICKS UP GIRL AND TOSSES HER DOWN THE STAIRS

LITTLE GIRL [noises of indignation as she falls]

SOUND THUMPS AND BUMPS

DOC [whispered] No breaks.

MARNIE I'm... hurt.

SOUND STICKY NOISE

DOC You should go home.

SOUND [OFF] DOOR SLAMS OPEN

MARNIE Harold!

DOC In here!

MARNIE Aah!

HAROLD [incoherent high pitched scream]

SOUND BODY SLAMS AGAINST DOOR, DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BODY TUMBLES INTO ROOM. MARNIE SCOOTCHES AWAY FROM DOOR.

SCENE 21.

SOUND MARNIE SCRAMBLES UP TO HER FEET

DOC Out the window.

MARNIE [panting heavily]

SOUND FOOTSTEPS DRAG ACROSS THE ROOM, DRIPPING.

SOUND POUNDING ON THE WINDOW

MARNIE It won't open.

DOC It is glass.

MARNIE [long gasping breath, then] ungh!

SOUND WINDOW SHATTERS

DOC Out!

MARNIE But I can't see--

DOC You can see what's in here.

MARNIE [scream as she jumps]

SOUND ELECTRIC NOISES

SCENE 22.

DOC Where are you now?

AMBIANCE NIGHTTIME, OUTSIDE

MARNIE I'm on the ground. What should I do?

DOC [rueful] You don't ask the questions.

MARNIE Zap me again.

DOC It's much too late for that. Why aren't you running?

MARNIE I think I'm broken.

DOC Will that stop you?

MARNIE I don't care any more.

DOC Are you absolutely sure?

SOUND DOOR BANGS OPEN, OFF

MARNIE [crying, crawling]

DOC Is it bad?

MARNIE Yes.

DOC I am sorry.

MARNIE I know.

HAROLD [howling]

DOC I love you.

LITTLE BOY [off] There she goes!

HAROLD [howling]

SOUND CHAINSAW REVS

DOC Where are you now?

MARNIE In deep shit.

DOC Where?

MARNIE Out back.

SOUND HEAVY FEET RUN ACROSS GRAVEL, COMING ON

DOC Where are you going?

SOUND BODY DROPS

MARNIE [muffled, crying] Nowhere.

DOC Nowhere?

MARNIE [panting, crying a little] I can't. My leg.

SOUND ROAR OF CHAINSAW GETS CLOSER

DOC What do you want?

MARNIE How can you ask that?

DOC It's my job.

MARNIE [beat] Jerry--

DOC But Jerry's--

MARNIE [sob] Yes!

DOC Very well. Let's take that break.

SOUND ELECTRIC HUM

MARNIE Umumum

SOUND HEARTBEAT

SCENE 23.

AMB NICEY WOODS

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

JERRY [teasing] What took you so long?

MARNIE [bright] Sorry. Got a little caught up.

JERRY Is there anything wrong?

MARNIE No, Not anymore.

JERRY Wanna go down to the lake?

MARNIE More than anything.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN LEAVES

SOUND ECHOEY, DISTANT - CHAINSAW, MARNIE'S SCREAMS

CLOSER

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

***********************************************************

The "Truth":

This story is going on inside the disturbed mind of a victim of a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" type event. Her boyfriend and other friends were killed by this creepy family of cannibals, and she was captured and chained to a chair.

At first it sounds like she is being psychoanalyzed after the fact, but eventually it becomes clear that this is not "after" anything, she is still stuck in the events she is describing.

The "Doctor" voice is, in fact, inside her head, and seems to represent her logic or her survival instinct - keeping her head clear and focused while the rest of her is busy panicking. For example, the voice guides her to look around, to avoid things that are disturbing, and to focus on getting herself free.

When all else fails, Doc "shocks" Marnie into a faint, where she experiences a pleasant flashback/dream to calm her down before returning to reality.

To add to the dreamlike atmosphere of the story, and the connectedness of the two, the voices of Marnie and Doc are both played by me, and rotate - moving across the soundscape to trade places - very slowly throughout the episode.

At the end, when there is no remaining hope, Marnie begs Doc for the shock - so she can be unconscious and "in a better place" when they ultimately kill her - and Doc kindly allows it.

Gavin Murdock is ambushed before he can even get on his new ship! Will he be able to accomplish his clandestine goals?

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from several stories by Saki (H.H. Munro).

Four girls waiting for punishment tell tales of pranks they've pulled.

Cast List

• Vera - Beverly Poole
• Matilda - Lyndsey Thomas
• Helen - Julie Hoverson
• Nora - Chandra Wade
• Alice - Xandria Nirvana Barber

Shock Tactics

• Heasant - Megan Lane
• Bertie - Jasper Loovis

The Boar-Pig

• Stossen - Jody Montague
• Miss Stossen - Hillary Dixon

The Storyteller

• Bachelor - Cole Hornaday

The Open Window

• Nuttel - Kim Turner
• Aunt - Robyn Keyes
• Uncle - Rick Lewis

Alice's stunt doubles

• Caira Greenfield and Draven Schoberg

Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)

Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson

Cover Photo: Daniel O'Connell (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an Edwardian girls' school, can't you tell?

This way to the Headmistress' office..."

http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/OpeWin.shtml

*************************************************************

[transcript follows]

The Saki Quartette

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from several stories.

I am a huge fan of H.H. Munro, who wrote under the pen name Saki in the early years of the 20th century. His career ended prematurely when he was killed in The Great War at the age of 46.

Saki is mainly remembered today for the amazing story "The Open Window," which I encourage everyone to read before listening to this episode, so I don't spoil it for you. It's available on Project Gutenberg, you can get a reading on librivox, it's around. It is considered to be one of the best short stories ever written in English, right up there with The Lottery by Shirley Jackson.

While Saki wrote a number of supernatural, suspense, or speculative stories, his forte was relatively cruel humor - but always inflicted on those pompous enough that you didn't feel too badly for them. And since nobody really got hurt - unless you take it from a modern "mental damage" perspective, you can laugh. Clovis Sangrail was an ever-recurrent character who sailed through many stories leaving havoc in his wake, but Vera from The Open Window reappeared from time to time as well (later described as a "flapper") - the two of them intersecting in The Almanac.

This episode is an homage to Saki, and incorporates elements from four of his short stories - Shock Tactics, The Boar-Pig, The Storyteller, and of course The Open Window - with a bit of wrap story that is entirely my own.

Three of the four principal girls were from my old high school's drama department, the fourth was me. Several of the other voices were drawn from ART (American Radio Theater). It's not a perfect recording - we can't seem to keep the pronunciation of "aunt" straight between us (including me) - and I hadn't yet learned how to clean tracks perfectly yet, but overall it's fun and quite funny.

Episodes like this were one reason I determined form the start that I wasn't going to nail myself into a "horror story" format. The name "19 Nocturne Boulevard" is suggestive of the dark side, but open-ended enough to go anywhere I wanted to go.

And as an aside, it has nothing to do with nocturne alley, is it, from Harry Potter? Several people have commented on that, but when I created 19 Nocturne Boulevard, it was sometime around 2006, and I hadn't - I may have heard of Harry Potter, but I never actually read the books. This was entirely on my own. It's not a pun like Nocturne alley - nocturnally - was.

I remember the summer of sitting there and thinking I want a number, and an address that sounds cool - what's a cool street? While sitting around at meetings of American Radio Theater.

********************************************************

SAKI QUARTETTE

Cast:

• Olivia, host
• Vera [open window] [15], sly
• Matilda [boar-pig] [14], mischievous
• Helen [shock tactics] [10], eager
• Nora [storyteller] [11], shy, rules-bound
• Alice [15], older girl, screams a lot

[Shock Tactics]

• Bertie, Helen's older brother
• Heasant, their mother

[Boar-Pig]

• Stossen
• Miss Stossen

[Storyteller]

• Bachelor

[open window]

• Nuttel
• Vera's Aunt
• Vera's Uncle

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an Edwardian girls' school, can't you tell? This way to the headmistress's office.

MUSIC CHEEKY MUSIC FADES INTO

SOUND CHEERFUL RUNNING CHILDREN, THEN FADES

SOUND CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY, then under

[three girls sit on a bench outside the headmistress' office, waiting to be punished]

SOUND COUGHS, FIDGETS. SMALL FOOT KICKING CHAIR.

HELEN Why send us here if we're only to wait?

NORA [startled] Huh? What?

HELEN Oh, Nora. I wish I could sleep with my eyes open. I said, 'Why--'

ALICE [superior] To put us into the proper frame of mind. To contemplate our misdeeds.

HELEN That's silly - I've been thinking about anything and everything BUT my misdeeds.

ALICE That's adults for you.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. MATILDA SITS.

MATILDA Well, well. Fresh blood?

ALICE They don't look very promising.

HELEN [huff] I'll have you know I've been called on the carpet plenty of times--

MATILDA [sweetly, cutting her off] --don't care. Besides, I wasn't referring to that. [aside, to Alice] You're right, they're not much good. I think one of 'em is a waxwork.

ALICE Oh, well--

SOUND DOOR OPENS. SLOW FOOTSTEPS.

VERA [heaves a deep sigh] Your turn, Miss Tramplethorpe.

ALICE Once more into the breach.

SOUND BENCH SQUEAKS AS SHE STANDS. SLOW FOOTSTEPS. DOOR SHUTS.

VERA If you don't mind, I'll join you for a bit.

NORA But you should be getting back--

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BENCH

MATILDA Not a mannequin, then. No one will notice, at least for a bit. Was it truly awful, Vera?

VERA Rather.

SOUND MUFFLED BY DOOR, SOUND OF SIX SMACKS [RULER ACROSS HAND] UNDERLIE THE TALKING.

NORA What did you do? What did ...she do?

VERA I? I did nothing. I will swear it to my grave.

MATILDA It's vulgar to ask for details.

HELEN I talked back to a teacher. I've been told. She didn't make any mention of it at the time, but I got a note sending me here.

NORA It's all quiet now, is it ...over?

MATILDA Of course not. There's always castigation.

HELEN Isn't that immodest?

MATILDA [sighs impatiently]

VERA It means Miss Twicket will be talking at her for some time. Then there may be more strokes, depending on whether she is contrite.

NORA Are you contrite?

HELEN [superior] It's vulgar to ask.

VERA [chuckles] But I'm not. It was entirely worth it. [to Matilda, over the smaller girls] I'll have to get back soon, Matilda, should we have a quick go-round?

MATILDA Without Alice?

SOUND ALICE WAILS, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR.

VERA [wincing] She'll likely be a while.

MATILDA What about the small fry?

NORA That's not very nice.

HELEN I'll have you know--

VERA Oh, let's. They'll never split on us - will you?

NORA But - but - but what is it you--?

HELEN [eager] I'll never tell. I'm not a sneak.

NORA But we don't even know what--

MATILDA Promise or you'll never know.

HELEN I promise. I'll never reveal anything, even under torture with wild horses.

NORA Well...

HELEN If you don't promise, you're doing me out, too.

NORA [reluctant] I don't know. Ow! [she's been pinched] I won't tell!!

VERA and MATILDA laugh.

VERA It's not so very awful, ducklings. We have a bit of a club - we call it the Ducks and Geese. We each take any chance we get to play little tricks on people, and then share the stories. We're the ducks...

HELEN And they are the Geese?

MATILDA Yes. And whomever has the best story, wins.

NORA Wins? What?

MATILDA Vera here is quite a champion liar.

VERA [correcting] I prefer the term "romancer."

MATILDA We always meet here, so we all have to get ourselves into scrapes from time to time, just so we can link up.

HELEN [excited, but controlling herself] How does one join?

MATILDA You have to have a story. Something good. I've got a lovely one from last summer holiday.

VERA Oh, I expect I can top it.

SOUND SLAPPING AGAIN, SIX OF THE BEST.

ALICE [off] [HOWLS in pain]

HELEN [chagrined] Oh. Goodness. [beat] well, I haven't really...

NORA I would never--

MATILDA [dry] I'm shocked. [to Vera] Oh, well, we'll have to talk later. Perhaps Alice will be out soon.

HELEN Since I didn't know to prepare, what if I have a truly lovely story, even though it wasn't me that did the joke?

MATILDA I don't think so. Sorry.

VERA Well... We might listen. It will pass some time, and then we can deliberate.

MATILDA It had better be good.

HELEN I think so - My older brother has a friend--

VERA Oh, not a friend of a friend tale - those are old enough to have beards.

HELEN --this friend is quite the card.

MATILDA An ace or a joker?

HELEN His name is Clovis Sangrail.

[SILENCE FOR A MOMENT]

VERA Oh-ho!

MATILDA Truly? You know Clovis? Perhaps we should make you a member just on the basis of that.

NORA Who is Clovis Singrill?

VERA [very superior] Sangrail. He is our own Jove - the very top of the tree when it comes to our sort of japes.

MATILDA Absolutely the lobster's dress shirt. Though if I do say so myself, a distant cousin of mine, Reginald, is starting to make a good showing.

VERA Go on, then. You must tell us your Clovis story. We might decide to be kind, even if it would be nepotism of a sort.

MATILDA Clever by association. What was your name, again, duckling?

HELEN Helen. Well, my oldest brother Bertie was chafing terribly, since being nearly 20, he felt mother should stop reading his private correspondence.

VERA Oh, I cured mine of that long ago.

HELEN Yes, but Bertie's simply not assertive - not on his own.

SOUND MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK SCENE

HELEN [fading] So one day, a letter arrives...

MRS. HEASANT [off, a wail, then coming on] Ohhh! Helen! Oh, heavens, Helen! Bertie is in the toils of an adventuress! [ominously] Her name is Clotilde!

HELEN Truly, mother? Where? In the rose garden?

MRS. HEASANT No! In the post!

HELEN How did they fit in the post?

MRS. HEASANT Hssh! Listen to this: "Bertie, carissimo, I wonder if you will have the nerve to do it. Don't forget the jewels. They are a detail, but details interest me. Yours as ever, Clotilde. Postscript - Your mother must not know of my existence. If questioned swear you never heard of me."

HELEN Clotilde? I don't know of any--

MRS. HEASANT Well, your brother certainly does!

HELEN Perhaps he only just--

MRS. HEASANT Oh, no! "As Ever" she says! As ever! They've been carrying on under my very nose for ...who knows how long.

HELEN [narrating] When my brother returned home, mother braced him with the incriminating Clotilde, and of course he denied it.

MRS. HEASANT How well you have learned your lesson!

HELEN He really didn't make much of it, and when she insisted he would have no dinner unless he confessed, I saw him take rather a quantity of sandwich materials up to his room with him. Then, with the next post:

NORA [completely enthralled] Another letter?

HELEN Oh, yes.

SOUND INSISTENT KNOCKING ON DOOR

BERTIE [muffled, speaking through door] What is it this time?

MRS. HEASANT Miserable boy! What have you done to Dagmar?

BERTIE [muffled] It's Dagmar now, is it? It will be Geraldine next.

MRS. HEASANT [in absolute hysterics] That it should come to this, after all my efforts. It's no use; Clotilde's letter betrays everything. [reading] "Poor Dagmar. Now she is done for I almost pity her. The servants all think it was suicide. Better not touch the jewels till after the inquest. Clotilde." [leaves off with a wail]

SOUND DOOR OPENS

BERTIE I don't suppose this letter betrays who this Clotilde is? Seriously, mother, if you go on like this I shall have to go fetch a doctor; I've often enough been preached at about nothing, but I've never had an imaginary harem dragged into the discussion.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

HELEN Mother could have used a doctor, for she was utterly purple about the face from screaming, and had to go and have a lie down - at least until the next post.

SOUND KNOCKING ON DOOR, MUCH SUBDUED

MRS. HEASANT [also much subdued] Bertie? Bertie, darling?

BERTIE What is it this time? Have I stolen the Mona Lisa?

MRS. HEASANT No. You... have another letter. From ... Mr. Sangrail.

SOUND DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN

BERTIE [not giving an inch] Why not go on and tell me what he has to say?

MRS. HEASENT [clears throat, then reads, much abashed] "Dear Bertie. I hope I haven't distracted your brain with the spoof letters. You told me the other day that ...somebody... at your home [ahem] tampered with your letters, so I thought I would give them something exciting to read. [slowing with embarrassment] The... shock might do them good..."

HELEN [finishing up] And then, Bertie threatened to get a nerve specialist in to look at mother, since she was obviously far too highly strung - and she couldn't possibly stand the scandal, she said - and they agreed he wouldn't - but only if she would stop. Reading his mail, you see.

NORA [concerned] But, did she?

HELEN [ominous] So far.

MATILDA We'll review your application. Next?

NORA I? Oh, I truly don't have anything...

VERA [warning] You'd best think of something. We can't have outsiders hearing all our secrets.

MATILDA I'll go ahead and tell mine - it's not so exotic as to cause a panic, and it will give this little gosling time to think.

VERA I suppose so. What do you think, Helen?

HELEN [surprised and thrilled] Me? Oh! [trying to sound grown up and important] Oh. I think we should give her one more chance. She had no time to prepare, after all.

SOUND SMACKING AGAIN FROM WITHIN, ALICE WAILS

MATILDA Speaking of preparing - I'd best be quick, as I believe I'm next for the chop. Very well, I was staying with my aunt in the country, and it was the day of a very important garden party - some princess was attending and everyone wanted to come. My aunt gloated over the guest list for days.

VERA What is it with aunts? It's as if we all have at least one who is utterly impossible.

NORA [something is coming to her] Ah! Aunts...

MATILDA Mine told me to be on my best behavior, and to imitate my insipid cousin, Claude, which would have been quite horrible.

HELEN [bold, trying to sound knowing] I think everyone must have a cousin Claude or Eggbert, or ... something [falters] as... as well as an aunt...

MATILDA [sigh, eye roll] So... so, when they got on me for eating too much raspberry trifle at luncheon, they said over and over that Claude would never do a thing like that. So when Claude went down for his nap - imagine, he's all of 11 and still goes meekly to afternoon naps like an infant.

GIRLS [SNICKER]

VERA He's the type who will end up married to someone quite overbearing.

HELEN Like an aunt?

GIRLS [SNICKER TERRIBLY]

MATILDA While he was napping, I took the opportunity to take a huge dish of raspberry trifle and force feed it to him - well, much of it got on his sailor suit and the bed, but enough went down him that they will never again be able to say he's never eaten too much raspberry trifle.

VERA Oh, that's a good one!

NORA I do have a story!

MATILDA I'm not finished - that is merely the prologue to my tale, explaining why I was sitting in the back paddock, rather than prancing about the garden party with Claude and Auntie.

NORA Oh! I'm so--

VERA Shh. Pray continue, scherezade.

HELEN I thought her name was Matilda?

VERA Oh, hush.

MATILDA [taking a deep breath] So I was sitting in a medlar tree, being stupefied with boredom, when I saw two ladies, dressed as if for the garden party, sail through the paddock in an attempt at infiltration.

HELEN Weren't they rather obvious?

MATILDA There was really no one there to see, excepting myself. And they never once looked up as they passed by. Well, with no ulterior motive in mind, I decided to let aunt's prize boar-pig, Tarquin Superbus, into the paddock behind them. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I knew the gate they were aiming for was locked and they would be forced to come back the same way.

GIRLS [GIGGLE]

SOUND MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK

MATILDA So, when they did...

SOUND OUTDOORS AMBIANCE. BIRDS. SLIGHT PIG SNUFFLING IN THE BACKGROUND

MRS. STOSSEN [fading in] I stopped Mrs. Cuvering in the road yesterday and talked very pointedly about the Princess. If she didn't choose to take the hint and send me an invitation it's not my fault, is it?

SOUND DEEP PIG NOISES

MISS STOSSEN Oh!

MRS. STOSSEN Oomph! [pulling up short, irritated] What? Oh! What a villainous-looking animal, it wasn't there when we came in.

MISS STOSSEN It's there now, anyhow. I mean, what on earth are we to do? I wish we had never come.

BOTH STOSSENS Shoo! Hish!

SOUND CLOSER, DEEP PIG NOISES

MATILDA [slightly off] If you think you'll drive him away by reciting lists of the kings of Israel and Judah, you're laying yourselves out for disappointment.

MRS. STOSSEN Oh! Little girl!

MISS STOSSEN Can you find someone to drive away--

MATILDA [French] Comment? Comprends-pas. [cohm-oh? cohm-prawn pah - what? I don't understand]

NOTE MATILDA'S FRENCH IS REASONABLY SMOOTH. MRS. STOSSEN'S IS VERY BAD.

MRS. STOSSEN Oh, are you French? Etes vous Francaise? [et voo fran-sehz? - are you French?]

MATILDA Pas du tout. Suis Anglaise. [pah doo toot. sweez ahn-glehz - not at all. I'm English]

MRS. STOSSEN Then why not talk English? I want to know if--

MATILDA Permettez-moi expliquer. [pair-meh-tay mwa eks-plee-kay - let me explain] [narrating again] And I went into a rather long description of Claude and aunt and the raspberry trifle, ending with -- [slightly off again] ...and as an additional punishment I must speak French all the afternoon. I've had to tell you all this in English, as there were words like 'forcible feeding' that I didn't know the French for. Mais maintenant, nous parlons francais. [may mant-noh, new par-lon frahn-say - and now, we will speak French]

MRS. STOSSEN Oh, very well, tres bien [tray bee-ehn]. [with much difficulty] La, a l'autre cote de la porte, est...um... [la, a low-truh coat de la port, ehst... - there, on the other side of the door, is...] [to Miss S] um, a pig?

MISS STOSSEN Oh, goodness, un grenouille? [uhn grahn-wee?]

MRS. STOSSEN No, no. I'm reasonably certain that's a frog. Oh, yes - un cochon. [uhn koh-shawn - a pig]

MATILDA Un cochon? Ah, le petit charmant! [uhn koh-shawn? Ah, le pet-eet shar-mont! - a pig,oh the little sweet!]

MRS. STOSSEN Mais non, pas du tout petit, et pas du tout charmant; un bete feroce! [may noh, pah doo too peh-teet, ay pah doo too shar-mont; un bet feh-rohs! - but no, not at all little, and not at all sweet; a beast ferocious!]

MATILDA Une bete. [Oon bet] A pig is masculine as long as you call it a pig, but if you lose your temper with it and call it a ferocious beast it becomes one of us at once. French is a dreadfully unsexing language.

MRS. STOSSEN For goodness' sake let us talk English then.

MISS STOSSEN Is there any way out of this garden except through the paddock where the pig is?

SOUND OUTSIDE AMBIENCE ENDS ABRUPTLY

SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY

GIRLS [SHUSH THEMSELVES, PRACTICALLY STOPPING BREATHING, AS THE FOOTSTEPS GET CLOSER.]

NORA [Hiccups. She tries to smother it, but cannot.]

HELEN [whispered] Shh. Hold your breath!

SOUND THE FOOTSTEPS ARE RIGHT ON THEM, AND STOP.

HELEN [gasp]

NORA [Hiccups continue. She is almost crying with the effort of trying to stop.]

SOUND FOOTSTEPS GO OFF. AS SOON AS THEY ARE OUT OF EARSHOT--

VERA Whew. She's a tartar.

MATILDA Not a sympathetic bone in her body.

HELEN Why didn't she say anything?

VERA She knows we're already in for it.

NORA Well, [hiccup] you've already been in for it - was it really that [hiccup] bad?

SOUND AS IF ON CUE, SMACKING AND ALICE'S WHIMPERS FROM BEHIND THE DOOR.

NORA [gasps - her hiccups are now gone]

HELEN So what happened with your boar-pig? Did he devour the invaders?

MATILDA Devour them? Oh no - Tarquin Superbus prefers rotten fruit to interlopers any day. They bribed me to lead him away. I don't think they were best pleased about it, once they realized what a sweet disposition he has.

NORA But of course, they were in the wrong, trying to crash a party like that. So you were merely punishing them.

VERA Right and wrong have less than nothing to do with it. We're not the courts, or even public opinion. A joke is a joke, even if it's on a perfectly nice person who doesn't deserve it in the least.

MATILDA Though it is much more fun, and less likely to get one into severe hot water, when the person joked on can't complain without revealing their own shortcomings.

NORA I --

VERA Speak up gosling. A sentence is comprised of at least two words.

NORA [whispered] I might ... have a story.

MATILDA Five! And with a full stop. Alright, then, pray continue.

NORA We were on a train. It was some years back, and my aunt was exceedingly boring. There was a gentleman in the carriage with us, and when he stooped so low as to criticize my aunt's storytelling abilities, she dared him to tell one.

MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK

NORA [sounding very young throughout flashbacks] Yes, please - tell us a story! [narrating] Anything would have been better than my aunt's stories - you would have thought she was never a child herself.

MATILDA I say, there's an idea - perhaps aunts arrive like motorcars, fully assembled from the factory?

VERA Shh. Give ear to the duckling.

NORA [pause] Oh, me? Yes. Well, the story--

SOUND MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK. TRAIN LOOP BEHIND BACHELOR

BACHELOR Very well. Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Bertha, who was extraordinarily good. She did all that she was told, she was always truthful, she kept her clothes clean, learned her lessons perfectly, and was polite in her manners. She was ...horribly good.

VERA [slightly off] Can one be horribly good? Truly?

MATILDA [slightly off] Claude. Definitely.

VERA [agreeing] Mm.

BACHELOR She was so good, that she won several medals for goodness, which she always wore, pinned on to her dress. They were large metal medals and they clinked against one another as she walked. No other child in the town where she lived had as many as three medals, so everybody knew that she must be an extra good child.

NORA [young, gleeful] Horribly good.

BACHELOR The Prince got to hear about Bertha, and said that as she was so very good she might walk in his park.

NORA [young] Were there any sheep in his park?

BACHELOR No. There were no sheep.

NORA [young] Why weren't there any sheep?

BACHELOR Because the Prince's mother had once had a dream that her son would either be killed by a sheep or else by a clock falling on him. The Prince never kept a sheep in his park or a clock in his palace.

VERA Oh, very good.

MATILDA Was this fellow passenger by any chance a long, lithe, languid type with a somewhat nasal voice?

NORA No, why?

VERA She was wondering whether you've encountered Clovis as well. Roll along.

NORA Oh, so, um, he said the park was full of little black, gray, and white pigs, and --

BACHELOR --Bertha was rather sorry to find that there were no flowers in the park. She had promised her aunts, with tears in her eyes, that she would not pick any of the kind Prince's flowers, and she had meant to keep her promise, so of course it made her feel silly to find that there were no flowers to pick.

NORA [young] Why weren't there any flowers?

BACHELOR Because the pigs had eaten them all.

VERA [to Matilda] You know, I'm becoming quite convinced you're right, though the story hardly sounds vicious enough for Clovis.

NORA Oh, I just haven't gotten to the-- um...

VERA To the "um..."? Very well.

NORA Bertha was just thinking--

BACHELOR [falsetto] --'If I were not so extraordinarily good I should not have been allowed to come into this beautiful park,' and her medals clinked against one another to remind her how very good she was. Just then an enormous wolf came prowling into the park to see if it could catch a fat little pig for its supper. The first thing that it saw in the park was Bertha; her pinafore was so spotlessly white and clean that it could be seen from a great distance.

MATILDA I have never heard a better argument against cleanliness. I shall go out and get myself despicably filthy forthwith.

HELEN After your visit inside.

MATILDA [annoyed] THANK you. I had actually managed to forget that for a bit.

NORA [quickly jumps in] Bertha saw the wolf and she began to wish that she had never been allowed to come into the park...

BACHELOR ...She ran as hard as she could, and the wolf came after her with huge leaps and bounds. She managed to reach a shrubbery of myrtle bushes and hid herself. The wolf came sniffing among the branches, its pale grey eyes glaring with rage. Bertha was terribly frightened, and thought to herself: [falsetto] 'If I had not been so extraordinarily good I should have been safe in the town at this moment.' However, the scent of the myrtle was so strong that the wolf could not sniff out where Bertha was, so he thought he might as well go off and catch a little pig instead.

VERA Definitely not Clovis.

NORA [cross, almost yelling] LET ME FINISH!

MATILDA Hmph! Well, proceed.

NORA Bertha trembled and the medal for obedience clinked against the medals for good conduct and punctuality.

BACHELOR The wolf heard the sound of the medals clinking and dashed into the bush, dragged Bertha out, and devoured her to the last morsel. All that was left were her shoes, bits of clothing, and three medals for goodness.

HELEN Were any of the little pigs killed?

MATILDA and VERA laugh somewhat scornfully

NORA Funny, that's just what my brother asked. No. They all got away. We all agreed it was the most beautiful story we'd ever heard - well, except for aunt, who seemed to find it highly improper.

MATILDA We shall have to write to Clovis and find out if he's been engaged in the railway storytelling circuit.

VERA [chuckles]

NORA This was some years ago, when I was quite young.

VERA and MATILDA chuckle again. HELEN joins in, but a bit too loudly.

VERA I fear, my darlings, that I shall still take the palm today, for I had occasion recently for the most stupendous jape of all...

[PAUSE]

HELEN Well?

VERA I am composing myself.

NORA [gasps]

MATILDA Oh, not again.

NORA [hastily reassuring] No, no.

VERA I am ready. I must be careful and include all the vitally important details, for this was more than a mere trick on an aunt...

SOUND MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK

VERA [narrating] There was a tedious little man visiting our neighborhood for some sort of rest cure. [to Nuttel] Do you know many of the people round here?

NUTTEL Hardly a soul. My sister stayed nearby some four years ago, and she gave me letters of introduction to some of the people here.

VERA [calculating] Then you know practically nothing about my aunt?

HELEN More aunts?

MATILDA Aunts are universal. Now Shh.

NUTTEL Only your aunt and uncle's names and the address.

VERA Uncle. Oh I see. [confidential] Aunt's great tragedy happened just three years ago. That would be since your sister's time.

NUTTEL T-Tragedy?

VERA You may wonder why we keep that French window wide open on an October afternoon.

NUTTEL It is quite warm for the time of the year, but ... tragedy?

VERA [ominous] Out through that window, three years ago to a day, Aunt's husband and brothers went off shooting... and never came back. In crossing the moor, they were engulfed in a treacherous piece of bog. Their bodies were never recovered. [voice breaks] That was the dreadful part of it. Poor aunt thinks that they will come back some day, with uncle's little brown spaniel, and walk in that window just as they used to do. [almost a whisper] Do you know, sometimes on still, quiet evenings like this, I almost get a creepy feeling that they will all walk in through that window-- [shudder]

NUTTEL Uh, yes...

SOUND DOOR, SWIFT FOOTSTEPS

AUNT I hope Vera has been amusing you?

NUTTEL [spooked] She has been very... interesting.

AUNT I hope you don't mind the open window. My husband and brothers will be home directly, and they always come in this way.

NUTTEL Um, yes. [changing the subject] Um, yes - [awkward pause] the doctors agree in ordering me complete rest and an absence of mental excitement. On the subject of diet, they are less in agreement.

AUNT [bored] Ah?

NUTTEL Some opine that toast with marmalade is better for digestion, while other lean more towards toast without.

AUNT [yawns]

NUTTEL Still other physicians insist on no toast at all. On the subject of eggs...

AUNT [brightening] Aha! Here they are at last! Just in time for tea!

VERA [narrating] I put on my best look of wide-eyed fear and stared - I always think of cats when I do that.

NUTTEL [confused] What? [panicked] Ahhh!

SOUND RUNNING FEET, DOOR OPENS, SLAMS CLOSED.

NOTE MILK THIS MOMENT FOR SUSPENSE

SOUND OMINOUSLY SLOW, SQUISHY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. DOG YIPS MOURNFULLY, then

UNCLE Here we are, my dear. Who was that who bolted out as we came up?

AUNT A most extraordinary man, a Mr. Nuttel. Could only talk about his illnesses, and dashed off without a word of good-bye or apology when you arrived. One would think he had seen a ghost.

VERA I expect it was the spaniel. [the awful truth] He told me he had a horror of dogs. He was once hunted into a cemetery somewhere on the banks of the Ganges by a pack of pariah dogs, and had to spend the night in a newly dug grave with the creatures snarling and grinning and foaming just above him. Enough to make anyone lose their nerve.

MATILDA Oh, bravo - two for the price of one!

NORA How could he be afraid of a Spaniel? They're so--

HELEN Silly! She was romancing!

NORA Oh. [thinks] Oh!

MATILDA And her uncle wasn't dead either.

NORA Well, I - I think I realized that.

SOUND ALICE SCREAMING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR - HORRIBLE AGONY

HELEN What?

NORA Eek!

VERA [slightly shaken] That sounds dreadful!

MATILDA [very shaken] And I'm next!

SOUND ALICE SCREAMING TAPERS OFF TO A GURGLE

MATILDA Poor Alice!

HELEN Maybe the headmistress will wear herself out before she gets to us --

VERA [calculating, then dry] Perhaps, but then, she'll just summon a few prefects to help.

HELEN Really? But - but what could she be doing?

VERA [knowing] Let's see, shall we?

SOUND SLIGHT CREAKS AS SHE TIPTOES TO DOOR

VERA Shh.

[pause]

ALICE [Screams, muffled]

SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN

ALICE AAH! [notices door] Ahh?

SOUND SCRAMBLING FEET, THEY ALL COME TO LOOK

NORA Where's the headmistress?

MATILDA Oh, jolly good one, Alice. You gave me such a turn.

SOUND SLOW SERIES OF HAND CLAPS

ALICE Yes, yes. No autographs, please. Screaming does dry out my throat.

HELEN It was just you...?

MATILDA I believe, this time, that Alice takes the laurel.

VERA Oh, I don't think so.

MATILDA Whyever not?

VERA [grinning like a fiend] Who do you think sent round the sham detention notices to bring us all here?

SOUND A MOMENT, THEN GENERAL APPLAUSE

NORA [confused] Oh? [getting it] Oh!

MUSIC

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...