19 Nocturne Boulevard

PromEvil Part 3: "What a doll!"

Trapped in Polk High with some kind of murderer, Hal, Lyn, Gee (and all the rest) must fight for survival!!

Find out who's doing the killing!

A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event:

STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark

FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker

OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson

STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

____________________________________________________________________

Prom Evil - part 3

PART 3

1. LOUNGE

SOUND MUFFLED PANICKED SLAMMING AT DOOR

SCREAM MEDLEY

BARB [PANIC!]

ANDY [PANIC!]

LYN Do something!

GEE Help Me!

HAL Don't - don't come in here!

BARB [PANIC!]

ANDY [PANIC!]

MUSIC

2. hallway

[silence]

BUD DEATH RATTLE

SOUND TINY TAPPING FEET MOVE AWAY

MAJORETTE clicking

SOUND BLOOD DROPS

MUSIC

3. lounge

AMB - LOUNGE

BARB / ANDY [still screaming out in hall]

LYN That sounds like Barb! Something terrible could be happening!

GEE We can dream.

HAL Shh. I'll look. Stay back.

SOUND DOOR QUIETLY OPENS

SOUND SCREAMING AND SLAMMING GETS LOUDER

BARB Get it open! Let us out!

ANDY [just screaming hoarsely and incoherent]

HAL Hey? Who's after--

SOUND ANDY STOPS SLAMMING ON DOOR, TURNS AND SLAMS HAL INTO WALL

ANDY [attack noise]

SOUND SCUFFLE, LONG TEAR OF FABRIC

HAL Oof!

SOUND LYN RUNS OUT

LYN [worried] Hal? [yelling] Stop it! Andy!

GEE Here!

LYN [to gee] Thanks! [yelling] Stop it!

SOUND HITS HIM WITH GEE'S UMBRELLA

BARB [collapsing into tears] Have to get out!

LYN [calming] Shh, Barb! [sharp] Andy! Hal's on our side!

SOUND SCUFFLE, LETS GO.

SOUND STRAIGHTENING CLOTHING, MORE RIPPING

HAL Man, the drama club is gonna be pissed.

ANDY The drama club can kiss my ass. We're locked in, you stupid fuck!

HAL Locked in? But we just came in.

SOUND A FEW STEPS, TRIES DOOR - LOCKED

HAL [worried but quiet] Hmm. [deep breath, then up, trying to stay positive] What a time for the teachers to realize they left the darn door unlocked.

LYN [hopeful] D'you think that's what happened?

HAL [false confidence] Had to be. Who else could have locked it?

BARB Maybe... the murderer?

LYN Oh, gosh, did you see it too?

BARB [becoming less coherent as she continues] Oh, man... she was dead, and it was all gross, and I was right there! She was all making these disgusting noises, and I didn't even know she was being killed...

LYN [completely baffled] What?

HAL She needs to sit down.

ANDY [growls] I got this. [softer] C'mon babe.

MUSIC

4. hallway

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND QUIET FOOTSTEPS

TODD [distant, whispered call] Laurel?

MAJORETTE [close, clicking angrily]

LAUREL [clearly negative noise] [laurel is protecting todd from being attacked by the others]

MAJORETTE [CLICKS AWAY IN A HUFF]

MUSIC

5. lounge

AMB LOUNGE

LYN We need to do something constructive. Could we phone the Gym, maybe, and get someone to come unlock the door?

GEE Nah. All the regular phones are turned off at night. Too many calls to 1-800-H-O-T-T.

HAL How do you know that?

GEE [smug] I broke that story three weeks ago.

ANDY Man, we should find some weapons...if Barb's right, Tina only just died, so I bet the fucker's still around.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

BARB [screams]

TODD The door's locked!

ANDY [yelling] Tell us something we don't know!

HAL [to Andy] Chill! [to Todd] Last time I saw you, you were gibbering by the punch bowl... suddenly you're coherent-boy again. What's up with that?

TODD It was awful, but...I... I just got over it. That's all.

LYN Mr. Carpel and Missy? We saw them too.

TODD [comes to a decision] You saw the bodies. But... did you see the dolls?

ANDY Dolls? What the fuck?

6. flashback

TODD's FLASHBACK

[NOTE: Much of what Todd says is misleading, so some of what happens contradicts the Voice Over]

TODD [VO] I went to the Wood Shop this evening... [clearly lying] Mr. Carpel was expecting me.

SOUND LOCKPICKS, DOOR UNLOCKS

TODD [VO] The door was...uh...unlocked. I opened it and... saw Mr. Carpel's body.

TODD [under] Ohmigod! Laurel?

SOUND DOLL FEET APPROACH

LEDERHOSEN [threatening noise]

DUDE huh-huh-huh

TODD [VO] And then THEY ran at me. The DOLLS.

TODD [under, intrigued] You're... alive!

SOUND STICKY NOISE AS AWL IS PULLED OUT

SOUND SMALL FEET APPROACH

MAJORETTE [clicking and approaching]

TODD [VO] [choked up] They attacked me. They knocked me down.

SOUND BODY DROP

MONKEY HEAD [screech]

DUDE [huh hu huh]

MONKEY HEAD [screech]

SOUND WOODEN THOK

TODD [under] Ow!

SOUND METAL BEING DRAGGED CLOSER

TODD [under] No, I don't-- Please! I love you, Laurel!

SOUND THE DOLL NOISES CLOSE IN

TODD Ow!

LAUREL [sharp noise]

SOUND DOLL NOISES STOP

SOUND CREAK OF L's HEAD TURN

LEDERHOSEN [angry query]

LAUREL Uh-uh [no]

TODD [in the flashback] Laurel?

LAUREL [rueful noise]

SOUND ALL THE DOLLS RUN OFF DOWN THE HALL

SOUND TODD BREATHING. SLOWLY GETS TO HIS FEET

[End of flashback.]

7. lounge

TODD I don't know why they didn't kill me. Maybe I'm just lucky...or they realized I wasn't any kind of threat.

SOUND STRUGGLE, BODY SLAMMED AGAINST WALL

TODD [gasp]

ANDY So YOU let them out, you little shit!

LYN Andy? Andy! [calming him] Weapons - like you were saying - is a really good idea. [frantic, looking for support] Hal?

HAL Yeah! C'mon, Andy. We'll hit the--

GEE Kitchen?

HAL Yeah, the kitchen! You all stay here...it's safer in a group.

BARB [sullen] If it's safer in a group, why don't we ALL go?

LYN [under her breath] Todd's in no shape to go anywhere. We can't just leave him!

BARB [disgusted noise] Fine.

MUSIC

8. hallway

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND METAL FILE SAWING ON METAL

LEDERHOSEN [EXASPERATED NOISE]

SOUND CHAIN SWINGS BACK AGAINST DOOR

SOUND SMALL WOODEN IMPACT AGAINST DOOR

LEDERHOSEN [snarl]

SOUND HIS FEET TAP AWAY

MUSIC

9. kitchen

AMB KITCHEN

SOUND DOOR SLOWLY OPENS

HAL Hello?

ANDY Shh!

HAL [urgent whisper] The lights are on! Someone must be in here!

ANDY Why aren't they saying anything?

HAL Cuz we're whispering? [up, but cautious] Hello?

SOUND DOOR FARTHER OPEN, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS

HAL Looks clear. Come on.

ANDY Dude, I'm guarding the rear.

HAL Fine. [sigh]

SOUND DOOR STARTS TO SWING SHUT, BUT IS STOPPED

ANDY [sniffs, then sharp] What's that?

HAL Dunno. Alcohol?

ANDY [long sniff] Smells like bourbon. [a bit happier] Dude. Just point me at it!

SOUND WALKS IN WITH CONFIDENCE

HAL We're not here for--

ANDY [screams]

SOUND RUNNING FEET LEAVE

HAL What is it--? Where? Hello? [angry sigh] [muttered] I better see what--

SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS

HAL [gasp] Mrs. Snodgrass!

SOUND SCUFFLE, PATS, TRYING TO WAKE HER

HAL [revulsion noise] Oh man!

SOUND TINY HANDS TAPPING ON GLASS

HAL [scared gasp] What the hell?

DUDE [muffled huh huhs rising]

SOUND FIRE IN THE OVEN

HAL [awed whisper] Dolls.

MUSIC

10. lounge

AMB LOUNGE

SOUND PACING

SOUND PAGE TURNS

GEE This is one weird book. I can make out bits of it, but I think it's really old, and the words are all mixed up and spelled wrong... kinda like middle English. Is there such a thing as middle French?

LYN Where are they?

TODD [duh] The Kitchen?

LYN Not them. The police!

SOUND PAGES TURN

BARB [spacing out, talking to herself] Andy is cute...

TODD Police? [worried] Oh...

GEE The motivating...or maybe moving... of the ... unmoving?

BARB ...and he's pretty well off.

SOUND CHAIR SQUEAKS

TODD I have to go.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS - HIS AND LYN'S

BARB He would beat the crap out of someone for me.

LYN What?

TODD I have to go. And... and get something.

SOUND PAGE TURNS

GEE [musing] Preparation of the mannequin?

TODD [lying] I... I think there's something in my... locker that I can use as a weapon.

LYN We need to stay together!

GEE [louder, but not in a different tone] Anointment of the offering.

LYN and TODD What?

GEE I think I mighta found something... Anointment of the offering. [unsure] Maybe. I REALLY need my dictionary.

SOUND BOOK SLAPS SHUT

GEE [excited and a little creepy] And I want to see the bodies.

MUSIC

11. hallway

AMB HALLWAYS

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, WOODEN CLUNK

ANDY Don't tell 'em I was all getting sick back there, will ya?

HAL Huh?

ANDY With the dead lunch lady and all. It'd make me look kinda ...you know.

HAL [exasperated] Yeah, whatever. It's our secret.

MUSIC

12. lounge

LYN Look! Both of you! Wait til they get back. We don't know how many of them [not quite believing] ...the dolls... there are.

TODD and GEE Five.

TODD Why do you know?

GEE Who do you think takes the photos for the annual?

BARB I thought you were a reporter for the nerdletter.

GEE [pissed] I wear many hats.

LYN Too bad we don't have the photos--

GEE Oh, that's easy.

SOUND PURSE OPENED, CAMERA ON, BUTTONS PUSHED

GEE Oh, good. I haven't overwritten them all.

BARB If that's a phone, can't we call--?

GEE It's not. I prefer not to wear a tether.

LYN Let me see.

GEE Besides, where's your phone?

BARB [muttered] I dropped it...somewhere.

TODD Do you have one of Laurel - um, my project?

GEE You can look after Lyn's done.

SOUND CLICKING THROUGH PICS

LYN And these ...dolls are somehow up and running around?

GEE Shh! [beat, then whispered] Something's coming!

SOUND VAGUE TAPPING, MUFFLED AND DISTANT

LYN Shit!

SOUND A MOMENT OF TENSE SILENCE

TODD [whispered] Can I see the camera?

LYN Ssh!

SOUND ANOTHER DISTANT WOODEN CLUNK

LYN There must be something in here we can fight with!

BARB Yeah, lotta pockets on a prom dress!

GEE Stand back.

SOUND DOOR THROWN OPEN

SOUND FEET

GEE Yaah!

SOUND THUMP OF UMBRELLA

ANDY Ow! Crazy bitch! That's my kicking leg!

SOUND STICK SWINGS, MISSES, SMACKS WALL

LYN Andy!

HAL Dude!

GEE [gleeful] Stee-rike!

BARB Andy?!

SOUND CLICKY HEELS DASH ACROSS THE ROOM, IMPACT, SOMETHING WOOD CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR

BARB AND ANDY [mushy kissing]

HAL Can you guys move that ... um... touching reunion out of the doorway? I'd rather not just stand around in the hallway ...by myself... like this. [sigh]

TODD [petulant] Can I see the camera, now?

MUSIC

13. punchbowl

AMB GYM, MUSIC, CROWD

SOUND PUNCHBOWL POURS

PEABODY What in heaven's name is all this, Angela?

ANGELA [snarky] Someone called the cops. Again.

PEABODY If it's a question of the noise--?

COP1 Sir, we had an emergency call--

PEABODY [sigh] Officer [reads] Trask? You have to understand my position--

RENTACOP BOB what's all this?

PEABODY sh-sh-sh.

COP2 We received a report over 9-1-1 of a possible homicide in the school.

PEABODY A what?

COP1 A possible double homicide.

RENTACOP BOB [huffy] Inside? School's locked up tight. Ain't nobody in there - live or dead.

PEABODY Calm down, Bob. [to the cops] May I make a suggestion, officers? Prom night is a notorious time for practical jokes...and though I realize you MUST take any such report seriously--

COP2 We can't just--

PEABODY Yes, yes. I understand completely. [confidential] However, if we can prove to you that the building is secure, and there's no possible way anyone might have managed to get inside, will that be acceptable?

COP1 Well...

COP2 As long as it's all locked up.

PEABODY You're more than welcome to return in the morning, when the school is open, to perform a thorough search.

14. Hallway

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND LOCKER SLAMS SHUT

GEE You coming?

LYN I'll watch the door.

GEE Hold these, then.

SOUND LOADS HER DOWN WITH BOOKS, UMBRELLA

LYN Oof!

SOUND TURNS ON CAMERA

TODD Don't erase the picture of Laurel!

GEE Chill, dweebula. I have them all on my hard drive.

TODD Oh!

SOUND DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

SOUND ANOTHER NEARBY DOOR OPENS

SOUND CLANKING OF METAL - ROLLING OF HAND TRUCK

ANDY Sweet.

SOUND CLICKING OF STRIKER

ANDY Nuke 'em from orbit!

TODD You're not going to burn them all, are you? Not ... Laurel?

HAL Laurel?

TODD She's... it's... the doll I carved. She wouldn't hurt anyone.

ANDY Well now they're all living, breathing Chuckeys, and I say fry every last one of them.

SOUND STRIKES THE STRIKER MENACINGLY

ANDY [explosion noise]

TODD [Weakening] No!

ANDY No, that's "Nooooooo" [bruce willis running scream] [chuckles]

HAL Let's focus on getting out of here. Gee?

LYN In... there.

SOUND WHEELING OF HAND TRUCK

ANDY I'll take the big truck. You get the value menu.

HAL Whatever.

SOUND HAND TRUCK PARKS, FEET MOVE, DOOR OPENS A CRACK

HAL Gee?

GEE [muttering] This is just like that game I was in last week...

HAL What?

GEE Just thinking... Extreme case of short-timer's curse.

LYN What?

GEE Poor bastard was this close to retirement.

MUSIC

15. Outside

AMB OUTSIDE

SOUND FEET ON GRAVEL

COP2 Are you sure this Mr. Carpel isn't in the building? His name was given as one of the victims.

PEABODY Ervin Carpel? Nonsense...he's already turned in his building keys. We had to let him go, you see. As of the end of the school year. His safety record was ... unsatisfactory.

COP1 So he might have a good reason to participate in a prank? I see.

MUSIC

16. Hallway outside wood shop

AMB HALLWAY

ANDY So do we just wait for those tiny sons-of-birches to come to us?

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET COME OUT

GEE Now I need a place to do some reading.

MUSIC

17. Outside, parking lot

AMB OUTSIDE

SOUND POLICE CRUISER DRIVES AWAY

RENTACOP BOB I'll go take a look around. No problem.

PEABODY [dismissively] Nonsense. No reason to justify our merry degenerates by taking their ploy seriously.

SOUND THEY WALK

MR. PEABODY We can perform a complete walk-through before we open the school in the morning to make sure there are no ... surprises.

18. Hallway

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS, SQUEAK OF HAL's SNEAKERS

HAL [cautious, but trying to be heard] Hello? [louder, but still muffled] Hellllooo?

SOUND FEET AND VOICE STOP, LISTEN

SOUND DISTANT TAPPING

HAL Oh, shit. [sucks in a breath, up] Hello?

SOUND ONE FOOTSTEP

TODD Which one is it?

HAL [completely stunned] Yah!!! [coming down] Oh, shit! Todd!

TODD Why are you in the polky costume?

HAL I have my reasons. Get your ass back to the craft shop.

TODD I'll... uh... watch your back?

HAL [quiet] I don't trust you.

TODD Why not?

HAL Forget it. Look, just stay the hell out of my way or I'll run your ass over.

TODD I can run.

HAL I'll bet.

SOUND SNEAKING FEET BEGIN

MUSIC

19. Craft shop

AMB CRAFT SHOP

LYN [pleased] Oh! There it goes! I thought it would never warm up.

GEE I told you it would just take some time. A kiln isn't a microwave.

BARB Oh, Andy, you're so strong and protective.

GEE [quiet gagging noise] You guys! Someone made that quilt, and they won't appreciate you getting it all sticky.

LYN Anything?

GEE Apart from nausea?

LYN The book?

GEE Well, I'm pretty sure this is the "spell" he used to animate the dolls. I may even have a clue why they turned on Carpel... the spell says the master's supposed to carve the dolls himself.

LYN Todd says... Todd? Oh, hell, where'd he get to?

ANDY Dumbass wants to get himself killed, who are we to stop him?

SOUND IDLY CLICKING THE STRIKER

GEE Anyway, there's this other incantation thing which... [very dubious] if I'm reading this right... should make them freeze back up.

LYN [plaintive] You're not sure?

GEE I'm having to make a lot of guesses, here. The dictionary just don't cover everything. I mean, the incantation isn't even FRENCH... just... gibberish, far as I can tell.

MUSIC

20. Hallways

TODD I heard something over there!

HAL Stay the hell back!

TODD Do you have a plan?

HAL Well, it was to sneak up on them, but there's this person talking.

TODD Oh.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

SOUND [DISTANT] SCRATCHING NOISES

MONKEYHEAD [distant] annoyed screech

TODD Do dolls make noise?

HAL I'm dressed as a giant purple polka-dot. Do I look like an expert?

TODD Uhh...

HAL Shh!

SOUND SNEAKING STEPS

MONKEYHEAD screech, closer

TODD Soon as you see it, tell me--

SOUND RUNNING FEET, GOING AWAY

TODD What it looks like...

MUSIC

21. punchbowl

AMB GYM

ANGELA Bob? Can you do something?

RENTACOP BOB [swaggering] I can do anything. Whatcha need?

ANGELA Marge went into the building for something, and she's been gone for just ages. [simpering] Could you go and look for her? As long as I'm stuck at the punch bowl, I can't even get in one itsy bitsy weensy dance.

RENTACOP BOB I gotcha covered, babe. [clears his throat] That was a quote. Not meant in any sort of harassing way.

ANGELA I understand.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, HE GOES OUT

AMB RAIN, CRICKETS

BOB I'll check it out, but first... [chuckles]

MUSIC

22. hallway

SOUND PELTING FOOTSTEPS

TODD [breathless] wait! I need to know if it's Laurel!

HAL [panting, stays ahead] [yelling] Get ready!!

SOUND DOOR OPENS, AHEAD

LYN Come on!

HAL [gasping mutter] God I hope this works. [up] Out of the way!

SOUND BATTERS THROUGH DOOR

LYN Over here!

SOUND LID OPENS

TODD [still outside] No! Check first!

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR

GEE Do it quick! We have to know if this will work!

SOUND RUSTLE OF HEAVY FABRIC, CLATTER OF WOOD

MONKEYHEAD [SCREECH]

SOUND POUNDING OF WOOD ON METAL

TODD [from outside] Don't leave me out here by myself!

GEE [to him] Just a sec! Come on!

LYN It's climbing out!

HAL [groan, slump]

MUSIC

23. Parking lot

AMB OUTSIDE

SOUND RUMMAGING IN STUFF

RENTACOP BOB [chuckles] Not on MY watch.

SOUND ZAPZAP OF TASER. PUT IN CASE.

RENTACOP BOB Little shits deserve a scare.

SOUND REVOLVER CYLINDER SPINS, GUN INTO HOLSTER

RENTACOP BOB Let's see your little pranks now.

SOUND TRUNK SLAMS HUT

SOUND FEET SET OFF ACROSS GRAVEL

MUSIC

24. Craft shop

LYN Oh! [noise as she smacks the doll] Uh! Uh! UH!!!

MONKEYHEAD [SCREECH, dwindling]

SOUND IT FALLS BACK, SHE SLAMS LID!

LYN [Breathing heavily] Done.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, TODD RUNS IN, DOOR SHUTS

TODD Noooo!

GEE Did yours have a monkey's head?

TODD Huh? [gasp of relief] No! Ahhh.

LYN You could have helped.

HAL I - I don't....

LYN Oh no! He's bleeding!

BARB [screams]

END OF PART 3

PromEvil Part 2: "Ins and Outs"

Will Hal and Lyn ever run into each other? Will Todd find his true love? Will Barb ever shut up?....

A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event:

STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark

FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker

OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson

STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

__________________________________________________________________

Prom Evil

PART 2

MUSIC

1. Wood shop

SOUND DISTINCTIVE WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS

SOUND SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS

LAUREL [questioning sound]

LEDERHOSEN [negative]

DUDE [huh-huh-huh]

SOUND WOOD THOCK

MONKEY HEAD [screech]

2. AMB - GYM

SOUND CANNED MUSIC PLAYS

STUDENTS CHATTER

SOUND HARSH NOISE OVER THE SPEAKERS

PEABODY [P.A.] All right, everybody. Quiet down. I know you don't want to listen to this old fuddy-duddy all night, [waits for laughter, which is scarce] [fading into background] but I have a few announcements that have to be made. Emergency exits are at the front and back of the room, should there be any ...um, emergency.

LYN You're sure Andy'll still be coming tonight?

BARB Oh, sure...maybe he'll even try to get me back, wouldn't that be a riot?

LYN Yeah. [no]

BARB [to Tina] Hey Tina! Where're you going? The night's still young!

TINA Huh? Barb? [too fast] Nowhere.

BARB [nastily] Hot date?

TINA [gasp] I-- I-- Oh!

SOUND DASHES AWAY

BARB [considering] Hmm.

LYN Why are you so harsh to your friends?

BARB Oh, please. Any guy she can't bring to prom isn't worth dating.

LYN Maybe she has to pick him up from work or something.

BARB [scorn] Work? Tscha. [up] Ooh! Jake!

LYN Don't leave me!

BARB I'm your cousin, not your babysitter. Andy'll be around somewhere.

MR. PEABODY [fading back in] Finally. The only washrooms that are available are the ones in the locker rooms. The school is locked, so no matter how long the lines are, you have to wait.

3. SOMEHOW SEGUE TO OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. PEABODY's VOICE STILL PLAYS, JUST MUFFLED

SOUND CRICKETS, DISTANT TRAFFIC

MR. PEABODY Anyone seen using any...ahem... atypical facilities, specifically the school's flower beds, will be taken into custody.

SOUND WALKING

TODD Ew. Who would use the flowers. [shudder] [gasp as he almost walks into someone]

DUDE Freak! The world's up here.

CHICK [giggle]

TODD [evasive] Sorry. Sorry.

SOUND FEET QUICKLY SHUFFLE PAST

CHICK Who's that?

DUDE That's the [up] freak [down, fading out] who's all obsessed with his damn woodshop project.

TODD [muttering] I'm not obsessed. Obsessed is bad. I'm passionate. All great artists are passionate.

SOUND LAST FEW QUICK FOOTSTEPS, QUIET TRY AT DOOR - LOCKED

SOUND MUSIC STARTS IN THE GYM

TODD [chuckles] Perfect.

SOUND JANGLE OF CHAIN, LOCKPICKS

MUSIC

4. DANCE FLOOR

AMB - GYM, MUSIC IS LOUD

BUD Dude.

HAL [polky voice - goofy and muffled] Hello!

BUD [disgusted] Oh, man. Ditch the Spot and go talk to the brain. She's been left unattended and needs to be towed away.

SOUND VELCRO OPENING

HAL [slightly muffled] I don't have anything else to wear. I was gonna just--

BUD God, you are the king of dork. Find something in the drama closet. They just did some pig-thing show.

HAL [exasperated sigh] Pygmalion.

BUD There must be something.

HAL [considering] Hmm. Maybe...

MUSIC

5. PUNCH BOWL

SOUND LIQUID BEING SLOPPED INTO GLASS

BOY1 [dubious] Thanks.

SOUND FEET APPROACH

LYN How's the punch, Mrs. Snodgrass?

MRS. SNODGRASS I've confiscated three flasks so far. [pitbull] No one gets past me.

LYN Great. Give me a double.

SOUND DIPPER POURS

LYN Cheers.

ANDY Hey.

LYN [gasps]

SOUND PUNCH SPILLS

LYN [frantic noise]

ANDY Damn. Sorry. You wanna dance?

LYN [uncomfortable but pleased] Um, sure. I mean...that'd be great.

ANDY Cool.

MUSIC

6. WOOD SHOP

AMB WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS

SOUND SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS

SOUND MUFFLED SOUND OF METAL ON METAL

LEDERHOSEN [urgent noise]

SOUND METAL ON WOOD STOPS

DUDE [HUH?]

SOUND WOODEN THOCK

SOUND METAL ON METAL STOPS, DOORKNOB TURNS CAUTIOUSLY, DOOR CREAKS OPEN

TODD [whispered] Mr. Carpel? [surprised] Candles?

MUSIC

7. BACKSTAGE

AMB DRAMA LOCKER

GYM MUSIC IS MUFFLED SLIGHTLY

SOUND HEAVY PADDED THING HURLED TO FLOOR

HAL [coughing, then sighs] Yuch. Sorry old Polky, but you need to die. [makes gun noise, pauses, then empties the other five shots into it]

SOUND SCRATCHES HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY

GEE Delousing?

HAL [gasp]

SOUND CLATTER

GEE [laughs delightedly, but clearly not "interested"] You're so cute.

HAL Gee? What are-- you--?

GEE Thought you could use a hand. I did wardrobe for the last three shows and know where everything is.

HAL But how did you--?

GEE I'm a psycho - or do I mean psychic? [holds a second, then laughs again] I heard you and Bud.

HAL Ahh.

MUSIC

8. DANCE FLOOR

AMB - GYM

SLOW MUSIC PLAYS

ANDY Ooh [interested noise] Mm.

LYN [gasps] oh.

ANDY Mm. What?

LYN [nervous] Let's get some punch.

ANDY Don't you like dancing?

LYN I'm just suddenly really thirsty.

ANDY [resigned] Punch it is.

MUSIC

9. OUTSIDE

SOUND OUTSIDE

MUSIC IS MUFFLED

CRICKETS

SOUND OMINOUS RUSTLING AND GROANING NOISES CAN BE HEARD IN THE NEARBY BUSHES, BUT THEY QUICKLY RESOLVE THEMSELVES INTO A COUPLE MAKING OUT.

SOUND RAIN BEGINS

TINA [oh no!] Aah!

BUD Ah, shit. Come on.

SOUND RUNNING FEET

TINA We can't go in!

BUD Well... [indecisive] Come on.

TINA The school's locked!

BUD [insinuating] But it's got a nice dark, deep doorway...

TINA [interested] Ooh!

SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS

BUD Come here, then.

TINA Mmm.

SOUND DOOR FLIES OPEN

BUD Geek.

SOUND TODD DASHES PAST

TODD [frantic breathing]

SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT

BUD [speculative] Hmm.

TINA Are you thinking--?

BUD Aren't you?

TINA [teasing] Mr. Bud, are you trying to lure poor lil' ole me off to some dark place where you can take advantage of me?

BUD Well, I really just wanted your opinion of my civics project, but now that you mention it... Sure. I'll take advantage of you, baby. Come on.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MUSIC

10. PUNCHBOWL

AMB GYM

SOUND PUNCH POURS

SNODGRASS [snarls] just one at a time.

KID [frightened] Um, OK.

SOUND SCAMPERS AWAY

SNODGRASS Back again, Lyn?

LYN Just thirsty I guess--

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, TODD RUNS IN, SLAMS DOOR

TODD [gasping]

SNODGRASS Hmph.

ANDY Dork.

LYN He looks hurt.

SNODGRASS See if he has a ticket. [disgusted] Or pupils.

SOUND LYN CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES

LYN Todd? That's your name, right? Are you OK, Todd?

TODD [whines and whispers] Mr. Carpel. Missy. They're DEAD!

SOUND HE SINKS TO THE FLOOR

MUSIC

11. BACKSTAGE

AMB BACKSTAGE

GEE Hold on. Now look.

SOUND HAL TURNS, SQUEAK OF TENNIS SHOES

HAL [surprised and cheered] Wow.

GEE I figured you were about Higgins' size. Oh wait--

SOUND DRAWER OPENS, RUSTLE

HAL [admiring himself] Damn. I clean up good.

GEE Everyone looks good in a tux - that's kind of the point. Here.

SOUND STICKS FAKE FLOWER IN THE LAPEL, PATS IT DOWN

HAL Feels like a wedding.

GEE Plenty of time for that later. Start with trying to speak to her - at least in her general direction.

HAL [gasps]

MUSIC

12. PUNCHBOWL

AMB GYM

SOUND SNAPPING FINGERS

LYN Hey? Hey!

TODD [whimpers]

LYN Andy! Help me get him into a chair!

ANDY [disgusted sigh]

SOUND CLUMSY MOVE INTO A CHAIR

TODD [mumbling, more of the same]

ANDY What the hell's he saying?

LYN Um... [listening, then repeating Todd's words, getting more creeped out as it goes along] Mr. Carpel... Wood Shop... dead... Missy... [worried] blood...

ANDY Blood? What the f--? [realizing] Ohh!

LYN Shh. [going on] They attacked me... they must have killed them... she wouldn't let them kill me... they're dead.

TODD [groans and passes out]

SOUND BODY FALL

ANDY [slyly] Well, we could go and take a look at the Wood Shop.

LYN Us? Shouldn't we send Rent-a-cop Bob? It IS what he's here for. Besides, someone should stay and look after Todd.

ANDY [whispered explaining] It's a gag, see? Bob'll skin anyone who gets him to shift his lardbutt for a prank.

LYN It doesn't sound like--

ANDY Babe, it's practically Polk High tradition for some bozo like Todd here to pull a big prank during prom.

LYN He sounds really scared.

ANDY [ignoring her] At least this sounds like a winner. [with a naughty wink] Let's check it out.

MUSIC

13. SCHOOL HALLWAY

AMB EMPTY SCHOOL HALL

SOUND MAKING OUT

BUD Mm. Me likee.

TINA You're sure no one can see us?

BUD Yeah. There's no one in the ...entire ...building.

SOUND ZIPPER UNZIPS

SOUND DISTANT TAP OF FEET APPROACHES

TINA [gasp]

SOUND SCRAMBLE OF CLOTHES

TINA I thought you said--

BUD Come on. I know just the place.

MUSIC

14. DOOR NEAR PUNCHBOWL

AMB GYM

SOUND DOOR OPENS

ANDY Coming?

LYN [sighs] I guess.

SOUND SLOW STEPS

BARB [suddenly in their face] Leaving? So soon?

ANDY There's a gag on in the school. We're gonna take a look. [heavy with challenge] Right, Lyn?

LYN Uh--

HAL [off a bit, quiet] Damn.

BARB [furious] Fine. If the building's open, I'll just go to my locker. I could use some hairspray.

SOUND SHE FLINGS HERSELF OUT, TOO

MUSIC

15. SCHOOL HALLWAY

AMB SCHOOL HALL

SOUND WOODEN FOOTSTEPS

DUDE [huh-huh-huh-huh]

LEDERHOSEN [quieting growl]

SOUND LIGHTER THOCK

DUDE [ulp]

MAJORETTE [clicking noise]

MUSIC

16. DOORWAY NEAR PUNCHBOWL

AMB GYM, MUSIC

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

HAL [heavy sigh] Missed it by that much. Ow! What was--

SOUND UMBRELLA TAPPED ON FLOOR

GEE You think I carry this just for the SPF?

HAL But--?

GEE Go after her.

HAL Go after--? But what do I say?

GEE Argh! What do I look like, a fairy godmother? Oh, god, I do.... Move your butt.

HAL why are you doing this anyway?

GEE Lyn's my friend, and you're harmless. Go!

SOUND SQUEAK OF HIS TENNIS SHOES

HAL [suddenly realizing] Harmless? Huh? [looking for her] Gee?

TODD [muttering] They're dead, you know.

HAL What?

TODD In the wood shop.

HAL Oh shit.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

MUSIC

17. SCHOOL HALLWAY

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND LOCKER SLAMS SHUT

BARB Jake won't know what hit him.

SOUND ZIPPER ON MAKEUP BAG CLOSES DECISIVELY

SOUND WALKING IN HEELS

SOUND OFF, RUSTLING AND GASPING NOISES

BARB Hmm?

SOUND HEELS START TO SNEAK

SOUND RUSTLING GETS CLOSER

BARB [squeal of disgust] Oh MY GOD!!!!

MUSIC

18. SCHOOL HALLWAY

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND TWO PAIRS OF FEET

ANDY [insinuating] A dimly-lit spooky hallway, a pair of good-looking, healthy American teens, what's that make YOU think of?

LYN Cheesy horror movies, what else? You forgot to mention the possibility of two dead bodies in the Wood Shop.

ANDY It's a joke...it's gotta be.

MUSIC

19. SCHOOL HALLWAY

BACK TO BARB

VOICES are kind of distant

BARB [tail end of squeal]

TINA [gasp]

UP CLOSE

MAJORETTE [quiet clicking]

BUD What the--?

BARB Oh... my... god. Tina. I cannot believe this! You and... THAT.

BUD Screw you!

TINA [breaks down into tears and runs off]

SOUND RUNNING FEET, LADIES ROOM DOOR SLAPS SHUT

BARB Not if you had a gold plated... You know.

SOUND TURNS ON HER HEEL, WALKS OFF

BUD Tina?

BARB Ladies room, dumbass.

SOUND SHOVE, STUMBLING STEPS

SOUND DOOR FLAPS SHUT

MUSIC

20. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND SLOW FEET

LYN [whispered] Is it unlocked?

ANDY Shh.

SOUND METAL CLANG - HE TAKES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER OFF THE WALL

LYN [whispered] It's not on fire!

ANDY [disgusted sigh]

SOUND QUICK SCRAMBLE OF STEPS, DOOR KICKED OPEN

ANDY Yaaah!

MUSIC

21. LADIES ROOM

SOUND LADIES ROOM DOOR FLAPS SHUT

TINA [off, Gasping and choking]

BARB Hah!

SOUND HIGH HEELS. BAG SET DOWN MAKEUP NOISES AS SHE TALKS

TINA [chokes and gasps under all]

BARB You should be ashamed. That guy is such a nothing. You can't possibly like someone like that. Hopeless losers are not for the likes of us, Tina dear. We're only supposed to date cute guys and guys with the potential to be rich ...or famous.

TINA [last gasp]

LEDERHOSEN [quiet noise]

BARB Are you just determined to sabotage your whole entire life?

SOUND SINK RUNS

BARB Tina? You done yet?

SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS

SOUND PUSHING STALL DOORS OPEN, ONE BY ONE

BARB It's not that bad. No one else needs to know.

SOUND DOOR OPEN

BARB But you're the designated driver for the next ...Hmm...

SOUND DOOR OPENS

BARB ...three parties?

SOUND FINAL STALL DOOR OPENS

BARB [full force scream of horror]

MUSIC

22. WOOD SHOP

AMB WOOD SHOP

LYN [slightly off] Well?

ANDY It's all dark. Hold on.

SOUND GROPING FOR LIGHT SWITCH

LYN [closer] Here, let me.

SOUND LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ON. FLUORESCENTS FLICKER TO LIFE

ANDY Oh shit! [full force scream of horror]

SOUND FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLATTERS TO FLOOR

SOUND RUNNING, PUSHES LYN

ANDY Out of the way!

LYN Uh!

SOUND THUMP AGAINST DOOR FRAME

SOUND FEET RUN DOWN HALL

LYN [small freaking out noises] No. No no no no.

SOUND SLOWLY BACKING AWAY

SOUND FIRE EXTINGUISHER KICKED AND ROLLS AWAY

SOUND LYN STUMBLES

SOUND CAUGHT

HAL Hey! Gotcha.

LYN [freaks out for a second, then dissolves into tears]

MUSIC

23. HALLWAY OUTSIDE LADIES ROOM

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND LADIES ROOM FLAPS OPEN

BARB [screams past]

SOUND RUNNING FEET, THUMP

BUD Shit! Oof!

SOUND BODY DROP TO FLOOR

SOUND BARB's FEET RECEDE

BUD [blows out a breath] Bitch.

SOUND SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET

BUD [going off] Tina? Tina?

SOUND DISTANT CLICKING NOISE

MUSIC

24. HALLWAY NEAR WOODSHOP

AMB NEAR WOODSHOP

LYN [still crying and gasping]

HAL It's all right. It's OK. Shh.

LYN [gasping out the words] He was right. They ARE dead. Oh, geez. I can't.... [sobs] I can't believe this!

HAL Who?

LYN Todd.

HAL Todd's dead?

LYN No! Missy and Mr. Carpel.

HAL I'll take a look.

LYN No! It's terrible!

HAL Stay here.

MUSIC

25. PUNCHBOWL

AMB GYM

TODD [drinking punch, he seems better, but is still muttering] They're DEAD. They killed them, but she protected me. I know she's not like the others. She understands how ... how special she is. She knows.

SNODGRASS You need to go home, kid.

TODD [disturbingly reasonable] They ARE dead, you know. It was an easy A, he said. An easy A.

SNODGRASS Look, you're scaring people. Can't you just zip it?

TODD [reasonably] But... they're dead.

SNODGRASS Angie?

ANGIE Yeah, Marge?

SNODGRASS Take over for a while. This boy needs something calming, and I think I've got what he needs ...apart from a padded room...if I can get Bob to unlock the school.

TODD The door IS unlocked.

SNODGRASS What? Well, I'd better see about that, too.

MUSIC

26. WOOD SHOP

AMB WOOD SHOP

SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS - HAL

LYN [off] Here.

SOUND MANUAL WINDING OF CAMERA BOX

HAL What? Oh! Good idea.

SOUND TAKES HER CAMERA, STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES

HAL Ew.

LYN [calling from off] How can you just... be in there?

HAL I watch a lot of CSI. This just looks like ...special effects.

LYN [off] Are they...?

HAL Yeah. I'm pretty damn sure. Hmm.

SOUND SNAPPING MORE PICS

LYN What?

HAL It's... weird. Just a sec.

SOUND PICKING UP BOOK, RUFFLES PAGES

HAL [musing] luh liver dess poops?

LYN What?

SOUND HE STICKS IT IN HIS POCKET

HAL [up] Almost done.

MUSIC

27. SCHOOL KITCHENs

AMB KITCHEN

SOUND SNODGRASS HEAVY FEET STOMP IN - SHE IS DISTANT

DUDE [CLOSE - quiet huh-huh]

SNODGRASS [muttering] Nutty freaking kids these days. None of this hot and cold running narcotics when I was a girl.

SOUND QUIET DOLL FOOTSTEPS CREEP CLOSER

SOUND DISTANT, SHE TURNS ON A LIGHT, OPENS A DRAWER

SOUND MORE DOLL FOOTSTEPS

DUDE [huh-huhs]

SOUND QUICK CLIMBING NOISES

SOUND DISTANT, BOTTLE OPENS, POURS

SNODGRASS Salut. [drinks]

SOUND CLOSE, KNIFE SLIDES OUT OF KNIFE BLOCK

DUDE [loud huh-huhs]

MUSIC

28. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND SNEAKERS COME OUT OF WOOD SHOP

LYN Hmm?

HAL Um... Looks like old Mr. Carpel went all satanic and sort of... sacrificed... um... forget it.

LYN But who killed Mr. Carpel?

HAL I don't know, but this book looks all creepy and stuff. Maybe he summoned a demon or something and it got him.

LYN You're joking.

HAL [tries to chuckle] Well, maybe just a little, but something got him, didn't it? Come on. We need to get ... help.

LYN We need to call the police. Barb has a phone...when we get back to the dance...

HAL There's pay phones in the lounge.

LYN I want to get OUT of here. Whoever - whatever - did that is still ... on the loose!

SOUND [their voices start to recede]

HAL Well... I think that back there happened a few hours ago. The blood looked mostly dried, and the candles were all burned down. Whoever killed Mr. Carpel is probably long gone.

MONKEY HEAD [query]

LAUREL [negative response]

MUSIC

29. KITCHEN

AMB - Kitchen

SOUND MRS. SNODGRASS STEPS OUT OF OFFICE. LIGHT OFF. LOCKS THE DOOR.

DUDE [huh-huh]

SOUND LITTLE FEET RUSH FORWARD

SNODGRASS Huh?

SOUND SQUISH OF KNIFE STAB

SNODGRASS [scream in agony]

SOUND BODY FALL

SNODGRASS GASPING IN PAIN

DUDE [huh-huh]

MUSIC

30. HALLWAY LEAVING WOOD SHOP

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND QUICK FEET APPROACH, PASS BY

LYN [panting a bit] I... This sounds terrible ...I know I know you, but I can't remember your name.

HAL [panting a bit] Hal. It's usually my face people forget.

LYN [panting a bit] I know...you're always in that costume. It's kind of...

HAL Dumb?

LYN No! I think it's... um... cute.

MUSIC

31. AMB - KITCHEN

SOUND BLOOD DROPS

SNODGRASS What the hell is--?

SOUND SLOW WOODEN FOOTSTEPS CIRCLE HER

DUDE Huh-huh-hwa?

SOUND IMPACT - A PAN!

SOUND DOLL TUMBLES, KNIFE SKITTERS AWAY

SNODGRASS Hah!!

SOUND SHE CRAWLS PAINFULLY

SOUND DOLL CLATTERS BY

SOUND FABRIC FLAPS

SOUND DOLL CAUGHT IN APRON

DUDE Huh? Huh?

SNODGRASS Hah! Hah! You little bastard!

SOUND POURING OF ALCOHOL ON DOLL

SNODGRASS [weakly] How bout a little...

SOUND CREAK OF OVEN OPENING

SOUND FIGHT TO GET IT INTO OVEN

SNODGRASS [weakening] fire.... scare... crow...

SOUND AFTER FIGHT, OVEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT

SNODGRASS [sigh in relief, breathes heavily...]

SOUND BODY SLUMPS AGAINST OVEN

MUSIC

32. OUTSIDE MAIN SCHOOL DOOR

SCHOOL EXTERIOR DOOR OPENS

SOUND FOOTSTEPS COMING OUT

LYN So what's the book? Something Satanic?

HAL I don't really know. It's... foreign. Maybe Latin? Spooky books are always in Latin, aren't they?

LYN Hmm. That's not Latin...I TOOK Latin. I'm pretty sure that's French. Gee would know.

HAL [muttered] Yeah. She kinda knows everything.

MUSIC

33. HALLWAY

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND CLICKING NOISE

SOUND FEET APPROACH

BUD [off] Tina?

SOUND CLICKING STOPS SUDDENLY

SOUND A MEWLING NOISE IS HEARD FROM WHERE THE CLICKING WAS.

BUD Tina? You OK?

SOUND WALKS FASTER

MUSIC

34. BETWEEN BUILDINGS

AMB OUTSIDE

SOUND PACING

HAL [muttering to himself] Yeah, what do I say now - hey, since we've shared a corpse or two, why not have some bubble tea? [heavy sigh]

SOUND UMBRELLA POPPED UP

HAL [gasps]

GEE I said it's not just for decoration.

HAL Geez. Just sneak up on--

GEE You've got some weird book for me?

HAL Lyn's coming back, right?

GEE Don't worry.

SOUND SHE SNAGS THE BOOK, PAGES THROUGH

HAL She's--?

GEE [exasperated] Looking for that succubus she calls a cousin. [examines the book] Hmm... It say it's a book of dolls, or puppets...or something. [dubious] That last word - hmmm. I gotta dictionary in my locker.

MUSIC

35. HALLWAY

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS

BUD Tina?

SOUND TRIES A DOOR - LOCKED

SOUND MEWLING

SOUND FEET SPEED UP, THEN STOP

BUD [slightly breathless] Tina? Huh? [over his shoulder] Hello? Hmph. Who could have...

SOUND SLOW WALKING

BUD [slow realization, dragged out] I got it. [up] Nice prank, guys! [muttered] So what happens, I touch the dolly and [looking up] something falls on me? Hmm? [muttered again]

MUSIC

36. HALLWAY

AMB ANOTHER HALLWAY

GEE It's really close, I can just run over and--

HAL Whoever killed them might still be in the--

SOUND DOOR OPENS, RAIN

LYN [breathing a little hard] There you are!

HAL [eager] Waiting for you.

GEE Now can we all go to my locker? It's closer than the library.

HAL Did you find--?

LYN I couldn't find Barb anywhere, and [breaking a little] I couldn't convince anyone else...

GEE Let me guess, they all think it's a prank?

HAL Here, then--

SOUND OPENS DOOR

HAL And some--

SOUND JINGLES COINS IN HIS HAND

LYN Cute. But you don't have to pay for 9-1-1.

HAL Oh.

SOUND JINGLE PUT AWAY

MUSIC

37. HALLWAY

AMB HALLWAY

BUD Oh to hell with it.

SOUND SOME QUICK FOOTSTEPS

BUD Oh, man! That's the prank. Someone broke into the wood shop and stole these little fuckers. Bet they're all over the damn school by now.

SOUND MAJORETTE'S CLICKING NOISES

BUD Weird. Where's the parade, honey?

SOUND SCRAPE AS HE PICKS UP THE STATUE

MAJORETTE [clicking turns ugly, creak]

SOUND SQUISH, STAB

BUD [gurgle, tries to gasp for breath]

MAJORETTE [satisfied clicking]

SOUND BATON PULLED FREE

SOUND GUSH OF BLOOD, BODY DROP

SOUND MAJORETTE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR

MUSIC

38. LOUNGE

AMB LOUNGE

SOUND PHONE HUNG UP

LYN [a little uncertain] Police are on their way.

SOUND SCREAMS AND BANGING NOISES FROM OUTSIDE IN THE HALL.

HAL Shit!

LYN [gasp]

GEE [whispered] Block the door! [exasperated noise] Argh!

END OF PART 2

PromEvil takes you to that most horrifying of places - HIGH SCHOOL. On prom night, naturally. And something horrible is about to come out of the woodshop, and we don't mean Hal in his school mascot costume....

A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event:

STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark

FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker

OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson

STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

_______________________________________________________________________

Prom Evil - Part 1

MUSIC

AMB BUSY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY

P.A. VOICE Don't forget! It's your last chance to pick up those prom tickets! Show your Polk high Spirit! Polky says - don't drink and drive!

AMB FADE IN ON WOOD SHOP

SOUND HEAVY DISTINCTIVE TICKING CLOCK IN THE WOOD SHOP

CARPEL [off] All right, um, kids. Let's start finishing up--

BUD You up for prom tonight?

HAL Gotta be there. School spirit and all.

BUD Ew, Hal, you're not bringing ..."IT"?

HAL It's my job, Bud. Polky lives.

CARPEL [off] Let's get everything put--

SOUND BELL RINGS

SOUND CLATTER OF STUFF JUST BEING LEFT ON TABLES

CARPEL --Away. [sigh]

SOUND MASS EXODUS

HAL Bud! Dude! [exasperated noise]

SOUND GATHERS UP TOOLS

SOUND KNOCK ON DOORFRAME

TODD Mr. Carpel?

SOUND SLAMMING BRIEFCASE SHUT

CARPEL [ow!] Damn! [composing himself] This... it's my break, Todd.

TODD I just wanted to see... her.

SOUND TAP ON GLASS CABINET

TODD [almost silent] Hi!

CARPEL Todd!

TODD She-- They can come home soon, right?

CARPEL After tonight, they can do...I mean, YOU...can...do whatever you want with them. ... Her. It.

SOUND SCRABBLE OF FEET

CARPEL Go on now. I'm not...done... grading. Scoot scoot.

TODD Right. [almost silent] Bye!

SOUND FEET

CARPEL [sigh of relief]

HAL [clears his throat]

CARPEL [startled] Ahh!

HAL Sorry. I was just putting away...

CARPEL Of course, of course. Go on now.

HAL Right. They're really pretty great, you have to admit.

CARPEL What?

HAL The carvings.

SOUND LIGHT TAP ON GLASS

HAL I woulda gone for it, but I don't have the patience. Or the carving skillz--

CARPEL Right, right - just please--

HAL Got it! Evaporate.

SOUND FEET, DOOR SLAMS

CARPEL [sigh, of extreme relief]

MUSIC

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND LOCKER CLOSES

LYN [sigh] OK, nothing happens. Surprise!

BARB It's coming. What? You're all hot to go study? It's party night, Lyn. Loosen up.

LYN [sigh]

A moment, then--

BARB Jake! You're SO late!

LYN Huh? Jake--?

BARB Mmm. Come here!

SOUND LONG SMOOCHING

LYN But, Barb--! Barb! Barb?

SOUND SMOOCHING ENDS

JAKE [catching his breath] Hey. So, What's the deal?

BARB This is my cousin, Lyn.

LYN [panicky] uh, yeah.

JAKE Hey, Lyn. I--

BARB [sudden rush] I was telling her all about you, and she's just [as if she's looking for something] ...dying ...to meet ...you. [angry sigh] [shrill] Anyway. She doesn't have a date for tonight, so I--

ANDY [coming in] Whoa. What the hell's up?

BARB Aha! Jake? You know Andy.

JAKE [chuckle]

LYN [this is ugly] Ohh!

ANDY What's up with this? What--

BARB I meant to tell you earlier, Andy, but you weren't picking up--

ANDY I don't got my cell on me at practice--

BARB [flippant] Andy... it's over--

ANDY Over? It's not over until--

JAKE Oh yeah?

BARB So you'll have to find yourself a new "bunny". Right Jake?

ANDY You bitch! You said--

BARB For prom.

ANDY But, Prom's TONIGHT!

BARB Sorry. [she's not] Not my problem. Come on, stud muffins.

JAKE [chuckles]

SOUND THEY START TO WALK AWAY

LYN [rueful] Barb. Jeez.

BARB [over her shoulder] Lyn's free tonight.

LYN [gasp!]

ANDY [to himself] Fine! [to Lyn, muttered] I got tickets, wanna go?

LYN I'm really sorry she--

ANDY C'mon...don't make me waste 'em.

LYN [tsks] Fine.

ANDY See you in the gym? Gotta get back to the field.

SOUND HE TROTS OFF

LYN Right. Bye.

GEE [coming on, whispering] Extra, extra - read all about it. Dumped jock falls for head of debate team.

LYN I've already had my heart attack for the day, thanks, Gee.

GEE No hearts were injured in the filming of this--

LYN I don't even have a dress.

GEE [mock serious] Wanna shock everyone? You could be my date. [goofy kissy noise]

LYN [laughs]

SOUND BELL RINGS, THEY START DASHING

LYN Come on! [hustling] Barb'll have a plan.

GEE [keeping up] Oh, yeah. That'll be good.

MUSIC

SOUND BELL RINGS

SOUND STUDENTS POUR OUT - END OF DAY

SOUND LOCKERS BEING OPENED

STUDENTS [conversations about the prom tonight]

SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN

CARPEL Oh, um... [hoarse] Miss, um, Francis! [clears his throat] Miss Francis!

MISSY Yes? Something I can do for you, Mr. Carpel? ["CAR-pull"]

CARPEL [irritable, automatic] That's Carpel. ["car-PELL"] [clears his throat again] I, um, I could use some advice... Could you step in for a moment?

MISSY [unsuspecting] Um, sure. What do you need?

CARPEL [lying] I have this niece, and it's her birthday, and I want a, um, well, a young woman's opinion of the present I bought for her. It will just take a moment, um, if you can spare the time?

MISSY [indulgently] Oh, sure.

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE, STUDENTS, TRAFFIC, ETC.

STUDENTS [lots of chatter about prom]

BUD Life's almost over...what do you plan to do once YOU graduate?

HAL Not a clue. Dad says I've got-- [apes dad's voice] ..."no ambition, no drive." I guess he's right. I just don't have a burning desire to DO anything with my life...

[LYN AND BARB PASS BY - FADING IN AND THEN OUT]

BARB --taffeta underskirt - but not too long, you know? I was all like, how can I possibly dance in that?

LYN I don't dance.

BARB Let me finish! Sides, I want to show off the adorable prada pumps--

HAL [heavy sigh] Except...

BUD [Following the look] Ex-cept? Still got the hots for that brain?

HAL She's not a brain, just smart..."Brains" look down on the rest of us, and Lyn...she can be really nice. Not like the barbies you date.

BUD Nothing wrong with dumb girls‑‑

HAL Takes one to know one.

MUSIC

AMB WOOD SHOP

MISSY Ooh! Is this what the woodcarving class has been working on! Wow! Look at her teensy little hands!

SOUND TAP ON GLASS

CARPEL [getting more and more nervous] Ahem. It's just over here, Missy.

MISSY Oh, right!

SOUND PAPER GIFT BAG FULL OF TISSUE SET ON DESK

CARPEL I hope this is something a... young lady would like.

MISSY Let's see.

SOUND BAG RUSTLES

SOUND SOMETHING PICKED UP ON WORKBENCH

MISSY What is it?

SOUND RUMMAGING IN TISSUE

SOUND HAMMER BROUGHT DOWN ON HER HEAD.

MISSY Oohhhhh!

SOUND BODY DROP

SOUND FEET RUN TO DOOR, LOCK IT

CARPEL [breathing heavily, panicky]

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE

BUD Ask her.

HAL Nah. Polky goes stag.

BUD Buy a clue, Hal...school mascot never gets laid. 'sides, running around as a big purple - what the hell is Polky, anyway?

HAL Polky is the Polk high polka-dot.

BUD Ri-i-ight. Well...let's just say it ain't gonna get you a job.

HAL Scoff all you want. If I work real hard, someday I could be a giant cell phone at the mall.

BUD Hark! The wolverine has left the lamb unguarded--

HAL Barb's gone? Where?

BUD She probably went to pee on some poor guy. Mark her territory--

HAL [speculative] Maybe I will.... [grunts as he gets up, then fading] What's the worst that could happen?

SOUND CREAK OF BACKPACK

MUSIC

AMB WOODSHOP

CARPEL [still wheezing]

SOUND ASTHMA INHALER

CARPEL [Deep breath, then an exaggerated one] Clear the mind. [half another breath, cuts off with] Oh, crap! Clear the desk!

SOUND EVERYTHING BEING SWEPT OFF THE DESK

MISSY [groan, hit by something]

CARPEL Oh no! No, no! Come here, you! [grunts as he gets a grip on her]

MISSY [groans again]

CARPEL And U-U-U-U-U-P! [grunts]

SOUND THUMPS [humorous bit, with him trying to get her onto the desk, finally]

CARPEL [breathing heavily]

MISSY [groans]

CARPEL [whispering, afraid to wake her] no! Nononono! Stay down! [a moment of breathing] Good. [a demented whisper of a chuckle]

SOUND ROPE BEING UNROLLED

CARPEL [to self] need about... hmm... three yards for the feet, and--

SOUND KNOCK AT THE DOOR

CARPEL [startled to death] Ahh!

SOUND EVERYTHING DROPS, ENDING WITH A GOOFY CLATTER

TODD [off] Mr. Carpel? Um, are you there?

SOUND DOORKNOB RATTLES

SOUND ROPE MOVES AGAIN, BEGINS TO BE KNOTTED

CARPEL [barely able to breath] Go away, Todd. I'm busy. Come back tomorrow.

MISSY [groans]

CARPEL [frustrated noise!]

TODD [off] I just wanted to...to check on my project.

SOUND KNOT TIED TIGHTLY

CARPEL You got an A. Now go away!

TODD [off] I...um...Well, all right.

SOUND SECOND KNOT CREAKS

MISSY [sharp moan]

CARPEL [muttered] Better not hit her again... a gag! Yes, um... oh, no that's filthy... um... [catches himself and starts to laugh hysterically]

MISSY [moans]

CARPEL [worried noise] Ahh!

SOUND TISSUE PAPER GRABBED AND SHOVED INTO MOUTH

CARPEL That should do it. Now.

SOUND BOOK CREAKS OPEN, PAGES FLIP

CARPEL Right.

SOUND FUMBLING WITH GLASSES

CARPEL [reading from a list] Five black candles check. Oil. Salt. Knife, oh yes.

SOUND PULLS THE THINGS OUT AS HE NAMES THEM, SETS KNIFE DOWN, AND IT CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR.

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE

HAL [to self] Um, hi Lyn! No. [mister slick] "Hey. Prom? Yeah." No. Uh! [grunt as he's shoved aside]

BARB [disparaging noise] Walk much? [to Lyn] It's all arranged.

LYN How could you--?

BARB What? So I helped you. Have a cow.

LYN HELPED me? You--

BARB Selflessly gave you my ex‑. Isn't there an award for that? Oh, get that out of my face!

GEE What? Oh, sorry, right, if you cross a witch with your shadow, she loses her power over you.

SOUND UMBRELLA COLLAPSES

BARB What-ever. Lyn. Walk.

HAL Oh, darnit.

SOUND [OFF] UMBRELLA UP AGAIN

HAL Aah!

GEE Oh, jeez! Sorry!

HAL No.. no worries. [defeated sigh]

GEE [tsks merrily]

LYN But you...like...Andy?

BARB Of course I do. This is just for tonight.

GEE [catching up] Let me guess. You fixed him up with Lyn so he wouldn't get snatched up by someone more like...hmm...You? ...at prom.

BARB [snide] Coming from someone who carries a black umbrella and only dates on-line.

GEE It's a parasol, and I'll still have a complexion when I'm 40!

BARB Oh, yeah? That white makeup will suck all your vitamin D!

GEE Lizard neck!

LYN Gee, leave off, OK?

GEE [exasperated sigh]

BARB [muttered] Little "Bite-Me Barbie".

LYN You leave off too.

MUSIC

AMB WOOD SHOP

SOUND HEAVY CANDLE SET DOWN

CARPEL Five. Lit counterclockwise, um...

SOUND CLOCK TICKS FOR A MINUTE

CARPEL Right.

MISSY [moans, then starts to wake, tries to scream around the tissue]

CARPEL [more whiny than scary] I'll hit you again if I have to.

SOUND TURNS A PAGE

CARPEL Circle of chicken blood.

SOUND LID UNSCREWS ON PLASTIC BOTTLE, RATTLES AWAY

MISSY [SCREAMS AROUND THE PAPER]

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE

SOUND HAL DROPS HIS PACK, THEN SITS

HAL Psyche 101. [grunts as he sits]

BUD What?

HAL Psyche 101...I could be a shrink, right?

BUD Yeah, right.

HAL Maybe I could specialize in abnormal psychology...you could be my first case study.

BUD Or him.

TODD [muttering] I just wanted to see her, and give her this heart - it's just the right size--

SOUND RATTLE OF TINY NECKLACE CHAIN

BUD The resident wood shop mad genius?

BOB [calling from off] Ooh, it's Todd...hey, did Barbie ever return your calls?

FRED [calling from off] Maybe he's taking Chatty Kathy to the dance tonight.

BOB [calling from off] A blow-up doll'd be a better choice, Todd...at least then you'd have a chance of getting a little.

TODD [still muttered] Laurel's not a doll, she's a statue. She's ART.

GEE Leave off, you scrotes.

FRED I vanda suckya blood!

GEE You wouldn't know what to DO with my blood.

MUSIC

AMB WOOD SHOP

SOUND LIQUID POURING onto floor

CARPEL [chanting]

MISSY [moaning]

SOUND ROPES CREAK AS SHE STRUGGLES

MUSIC

TODD [muttering] Laurel is perfect. I made her that way, and she understands me--[gasp]

SOUND THUD AS HE RUNS INTO BARB

BARB [uh!] Dweeb. Get some glasses. [back to Lyn] I'll even get you a dress. It won't be Vogue, but...

SOUND CELL PHONE BEING DIALED

LYN [weakening] But I don't want a dress. I really ...Barb...I don't like this.

BARB No problem, really.

LYN But--

BARB I'd loan you one of mine, but it wouldn't fit. Like a basketball hoop catching tennis balls.

LYN [very uncomfortable noise] Umm.

BARB Jeez. Missy's not picking up. Wonder who she's doing?

MUSIC

AMB WOOD SHOP

SOUND SCRAPE OF KNIFE BEING PICKED UP

CARPEL CHANTING

SOUND CELL PHONE MUSIC

SOUND KNIFE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR

CARPEL What the--? Oh, heavens!

SOUND RUMMAGING THROUGH HER PURSE, VARIOUS THINGS TOSSED ONTO FLOOR, SOMETHING SQUEAKS AS IT HITS

SOUND FINALLY FINDS PHONE, PUSHES BUTTONS, BUT NOTHING WILL STOPS IT, FINALLY THROWS IT AGAINST WALL AND STOMPS ON IT

SOUND PHONE DIES

SOUND ASTHMA INHALER

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE

LYN All right! I'll...I can borrow a dress from Jean...we wear the same size.

BARB Your little sister? She's a baby, how could she have a decent dress?

LYN Who else is my mom gonna dress up? Me?

MUSIC

WOOD SHOP

CARPEL CHANTS AGAIN

SOUND BOOK CREAKS OPEN

SOUND KNIFE PICKED UP OFF FLOOR WITH SCRAPE

MISSY [struggling weakly]

SOUND SUDDENLY, LUNGES, PLUNGES KNIFE INTO MISSY WITH HORRIBLE SQUISHY NOISE. GRINDS IT AROUND A BIT, MAKING SURE SHE'S DEAD

MISSY [death rattle]

CARPEL [breathing heavily]

SOUND WIPES SWEAT OFF HIS FACE, THEN REACTS AS HE REALIZES HE JUST SMEARED BLOOD ALL OVER HIMSELF.

CARPEL gah!!

SOUND DASH TO SINK, RUNS WATER

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE, BUT AWAY FROM PEOPLE

TODD [muttering to self] I spent so much time carving her. I know the project called for raw wood, no paint, but now that they're graded and everything, there's nothing wrong with a little embellishment.

SOUND DELICATE NECKLACE CHAIN

TODD Gold will suit her dark grain. Oh Laurel!

MUSIC

AMB WOOD SHOP

SOUND TAPS TURNED OFF

SOUND DRIPPING

CARPEL Right. The blood.

SOUND METAL BOWL OUT OF BAG, CATCHES DRIPS

CARPEL Almost done now. [ecstatic] And then they'll see! They'll all see!

SOUND DRIPPING SLOWS

CARPEL No, no, I need more.... I think I need more! Oh! Here.

SOUND CUTS A ROPE, ROLLS BODY ONTO ITS SIDE

SOUND GUSHY NOISES, MORE DRIPPING

CARPEL There we go! That's about enough.

SOUND DRIPPING CONTINUES, BODY FLOPS

CARPEL Enough!

SOUND SHOVE BODY, IT ROLLS WITH A GUSHY NOISE

CARPEL Sorry about that, Missy, but it had to be done. I wish you'd just stayed unconscious. Wouldn't have been so awful for you.

SOUND SETS DOWN SLOSHY BOWL

SOUND OPENS GLASS DOOR OF CASE

CARPEL [chanting again]

SOUND PICKS UP BOWL

SOUND LIQUID BEING POURED

MUSIC

AMB GYM [EVERYTHING ECHOES]

SOUND SOUND CHECK IN BACKGROUND

SOUND QUICK STRIDES ACROSS WOOD FLOOR

HAL --it's in the band locker. You gotta let me in.

PEABODY [over his shoulder] The school is locked up for the night. Besides, the old one's in the drama loft...use it.

HAL But it's a piece of crap! The foam rubber's all gone to dust...you can't even breathe in the darn thing.

PEABODY You only have to wear it during the announcements. Surely you weren't planning to parade around in the ludicrous mascot costume all night?

HAL [clearly disappointed] Guess not.

PEABODY Quickly, then...

MUSIC

CARPEL [The chant ends.]

SOUND CREAKING OF WOOD

[NOTE] ESTABLISH THE DISTINCTIVE SOUND OF EACH OF THE DOLLS - LAUREL, ahhhh noises; LEDERHOSEN GUY, EVIL CHUCKLE; MONKEYHEAD, SCREECHES; SURFER DUDE, LONG DUH; AND THE MAJORETTE, RHYTHMIC CLICKING SOUNDS.

CARPEL It worked! They live!

MUSIC

AMB GYM

SOUND LIQUID POURING

SOUND FEET ON STEP LADDER

ANGELA Hand me the tape, Marge?

SNODGRASS Do I look like someone with three hands?

ANGELA [to herself] No, you look like a shaved bulldog in a safety orange muumuu.

SOUND POURING STOPS

SNODGRASS Huh?

ANGELA [covering] Just admiring your dress!

SNODGRASS [taking it seriously] It ain't just anybody can wear this color. You were looking for tape?

MUSIC

SOUND TAPPING OF DOLL FEET AS THEY CLIMB DOWN

CARPEL You are mine! My servants! My revenge!

SOUND WOODEN FEET AS THEY HOP DOWN

LEDERHOSEN GUY EVIL CHUCKLE

SOUND MOVED QUICKLY TOWARD CARPEL

CARPEL No! No! Not me! You're supposed to obey me! Stop!

SOUND PAGING THROUGH BOOK

CARPEL Obey me! You're my minions!

SOUND THE DOLLS ATTACK. TRIP CARPEL, PUMMEL HIM.

CARPEL What are you doing with that awl! You could put an eye out-- [ahh! Gurgle, whiny death noises]

SOUND FUTILE POUNDING OF TINY FISTS ON LOCKED DOOR

END OF PART 1

The crew of a U-Boat in the Great War find some danger runs very very deep

CAST

Cap. Karl Heinrich - Rick Lewis Lt. Keinze - J. Hoverson Crew: Shawn Connor & Bryan Hendricksen

Music by: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)

Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Art - Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a U-boat of the Kaiserliche Marine - can't you tell?" ______________________________________________________________

THE TEMPLE

Cast:

Lieutenant Commander Karl HEINRICH, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy, Prussian (mid 30s?)

Lieutenant Jurgen KIENZE, second in command, "womanish Rhinelander" (30)

Boatswain MULLER, elderly "superstitious Alsatian swine"

SCHMIDT [mid 20s - goes mad]

ZIMMER [mid 20s - leads delegation to get rid of idol]

BOHIN [mid 20s - goes mad]

RAABE [early 20s - engineer]

SCHNEIDER [early 20s - engineer]

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a U-Boat of the Kaiserlich Marine, can't you tell? (That's World War I, for all you younger folks...)

[My apologies for any mischaracterization of Germans - it's all from Lovecraft's original text. His complete lack of knowledge of U-Boats also - But I had to leave in the portholes to support the story. Any mistakes in military etiquette of the time are probably mine, though.]

MUSIC

SCENE 1.

AMBIANCE U-BOAT ENGINE

SEAMEN [murmuring voices]

SOUND HATCH OPENS, CLANGING FOOTSTEPS

KIENZE Achtung! Kapitanleutnant Heinrich on deck!

SEAMEN [instantly silent]

HEINRICH [commanding, slightly angry sounding] Ser gut! I have been reviewing the log regarding the sinking of the British freighter Victory, and I must say [getting ominous] that you are - most definitely - [spitting out the words] the single, absolute, most efficient U-boat crew in the Atlantic. [laughs] At ease, at ease.

SEAMEN [Excited chatter]

KIENZE I myself cannot wait to view the film we took.

HEINRICH Ya, ya. [aside] The camera was off before we sank the lifeboats?

KIENZE As always, Kaleu.

SOUND HEARTY CLAP ON SHOULDER

HEINRICH Most excellent. Come Kienze, I have a bottle of some fine Schnapps. You must help me celebrate.

MUSIC in then under

SCENE 2.

HEINRICH [on a recording, tired sounding] On August 20, 1917, I, Karl Heinrich, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy and in charge of the submarine U-29, deposit this bottle and record in the Atlantic Ocean at a point to me unknown but probably about North Latitude 20 degrees, West Longitude 35 degrees, where my ship lies disabled on the ocean floor.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 3.

SFX SUBMARINE SURFACES

SOUND HATCH OPENS

AMBIANCE CALM SEA, OCCASIONAL BIRDS

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL

HEINRICH [grunt - stretching noise] There is nothing like the first step out on deck after a victory, eh?.

KIENZE A "Victory"? [chuckles] Ya. Very amusing.

MULLER [off] Kaleu, sir! Come!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL

HEINRICH What could be so-- Oh!

MULLER He must be from the Victory, sir!

KIENZE Alive?

HEINRICH Don't be foolish, Kienze, we were far too long submerged. He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves. [shouting off] Remove the corpse!

[NOTE - red text will come back at the end in echoes]

ZIMMER Sir! His hands are in a death grip!

HEINRICH Fingers break more easily than railings.

ZIMMER [hesitantly] uh... Aye sir!

SOUND POUNDING NOISES

HEINRICH [sanctimonious] One more victim of the unjust war of aggression the English schweinhunds are waging upon the Reich.

KIENZE Truly, he is our victim. Nothing more.

HEINRICH You do not see the whole picture - [amused] Just like a soft-headed Rhinelander. If you were a solid Prussian like myself--

SEAMEN [OFF - NOISE OF AN ALTERCATION]

HEINRICH Vas is los? Go and see.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL

KIENZE What is this? What is this? Achtung!

SOUND SCRAMBLE OF MEN GETTING TO THEIR FEET

KIENZE What is so very exciting?

ZIMMER Sir! Schmidt took something from the pocket of the ... [gulp] d-dead one.

KIENZE Schmidt? Would you show this to me?

SCHMIDT It is nothing, Leutnant.

KIENZE I will judge that. Give it me. [beat] Well, this is... certainly something. I am confiscating it - now put that over the side.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL

HEINRICH So?

KIENZE A bauble. Ivory, I think - looks like a classical bust, ya?

HEINRICH Not a senator, though - this one is much too young and handsome.

KIENZE Possibly a kaiser?

HEINRICH Or a god.

KIENZE [reluctantly] It is yours, if you want it. It might be valuable--

HEINRICH No, no. I have not the sentimental--

MULLER [off, screams]

SOUND FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON METAL

HEINRICH [puffing only slightly] What is it?

SCHMIDT [shivering with fear] Muller, sir - it is Muller!

KIENZE Muller's unconscious.

HEINRICH Wake him.

SOUND SLAPS

MULLER [wails]

SOUND ANOTHER SLAP

MULLER [gasps, is silent]

HEINRICH Get him up here. [command] Stations!

SOUND RUNNING FEET CLANG AWAY

KIENZE Are you going to talk sense now?

MULLER [hollow] His eyes! His eyes!

KIENZE Whose eyes? Speak sense!

SOUND SLAP

HEINRICH Enough! Muller. Tell me what is wrong.

MULLER Ya, mein kapitan! [trying to calm down] The body - the eyes were closed. But when they rolled it over the side, they opened - and they were mocking us!

HEINRICH [casual] Superstitious rubbish. Muller, you have seen corpses before now, and--

MULLER Sir! But that is not all! He-- [sullen, inward] You will not believe me!

KIENZE You are under orders to speak.

MULLER I-- watched as the body hit the water. I saw it sink beneath the waves, and--

HEINRICH And--?

MULLER [almost a whisper] It drew its limbs in, and swam away.

KIENZE You filthy lying--! [grunt as about to slap him again]

HEINRICH Nein, Leutnant. [calming] Muller. You know this cannot be true, don't you?

MULLER But I saw--

HEINRICH Water is deceptive. It is strange, ya, that the body simply sank - but that is probably due to its waterlogged condition after being held under on our railing for hours. Beyond that--? It is all a trick of the light.

MULLER Truly?

HEINRICH I will hear no more about it, ya?

MÜLLER But you should keep no part of him on the ship - it is bad luck. The statue--

HEINRICH Is nothing. It is a trinket. You go about your duties now, Boatswain.

SOUND RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS AWAY

HEINRICH Pfaugh. [muttered growl] Superstitious Alsatian swine! Why am I surrounded by inferior--

KIENZE Kaleu? Do you wish that I throw the bust overb--

HEINRICH Nonsense. We do not give in to fear. We are men of the twentieth century - and, more importantly, officers in the Kaiserliche Marine.

KIENZE I could... tell them I threw it--

HEINRICH Do not show weakness. It makes you sound unreliable.

MUSIC in and under

SCENE 4.

HEINRICH [canned] The next day a very troublesome situation was created by the indisposition of some of the crew. Evidently suffering from the nervous strain of our long voyage, they had had bad dreams. When weather turned choppy, we descended to a depth where the sea was comparatively calm, despite a somewhat puzzling southward current which we could not identify from our oceanographic charts.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 5.

SOUND HATCH CLOSES

SFX SUBMARINE SUBMERGES

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL

RAABE Under-Engineer Raabe, here to make a report, sir!

HEINRICH Where is Schneider?

RAABE He is ... unwell, sir.

HEINRICH What is wrong?

RAABE He... did not sleep well, sir.

HEINRICH What?

KIENZE It is the same with many of the men, Kaleu. They are feverish and say they have had bad dreams.

HEINRICH If they are shirking, I will--

RAABE Sir, no! Schmidt is burning up with fever, screaming all night in his berth.

HEINRICH [sympathetic] Then you did not sleep well either, I expect?

RAABE Nein, Kaleu.

HEINRICH [very pleased] Yet you are here, like a good sailor. Good man--

MULLER [muttered off] It is the idol. It is accursed.

HEINRICH What? Muller?

MULLER [panicky] Nothing. I said nothing sir.

KIENZE He said--

HEINRICH [grim] I heard what he said. Muller, I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship!

KIENZE [amused undertone] You forget, mein noble Kapitan, I am a commoner as well.

HEINRICH [dismissively] Burgher stock. [teasing slightly] And they made you an officer - you must have some good qualities.

MULLER What does it matter? We are all doomed!

RAABE [dismissive] Doomed? Because some men are sick?

HEINRICH Sehr gut. We must remain rational at times like these. Retain our iron German will. [sharp] Kienze?

KIENZE [snapping to] Ya mein kapitanleutnant?

HEINRICH Remove Boatswain Muller.

KIENZE Ya, Kaleu.

MUSIC in and under

SCENE 6.

HEINRICH [canned] The moans of the sick men were decidedly annoying; but since they did not appear to demoralize the rest of the crew, we did not resort to ... extreme measures. It was our plan to remain where we were and intercept the liner Dacia, mentioned in information from agents in New York.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 7.

SOUND INSIDE THE BOAT. MANY FEET RUNNING ACROSS METAL, FEET STOP ABRUPTLY

CROWD [muttering, backs up Zimmer throughout the scene.]

HEINRICH Und vas is los?

ZIMMER [clears throat] Kapitanleutnant, we must request - most strenuously - that you--

HEINRICH Is this about that knickknack? What sort of Gypsies are you, to believe such phantasms?

ZIMMER But what could it hurt, sir? It is surely not so valuable that it is worth risking--

HEINRICH What? Risking what? The only thing we are risking here is our mission.

BOHIN We will all die!

ZIMMER Shh. [trying to sound reasonable] Morale, mein kapitan. It is such a small thing, yet would mean so much to the men.

HEINRICH [low, despising] I see no men here.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 8.

HEINRICH [canned] Everyone seemed inclined to be silent now, as though holding a secret fear. Many were ill, but none made a disturbance. Lieutenant Kienze chafed under the strain, and was annoyed by the merest trifle - such as the schools of dolphins which passed the U-29 in increasing numbers, and the growing intensity of that southward current which was not on our chart.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 9.

SOUND HATCH CLANGS SHUT

AMBIANCE UP TOPSIDE

SCHMIDT That makes seven of us. We can surely--

ZIMMER Muller is still in irons. He can be no help.

BOHIN Muller saw them!

ZIMMER Shh. None of the crazy talk, Bohin. We cannot let ourselves--

BOHIN [too intense to be sane] I have not seen them, but they call to me! Their voices are like the waves - but waves that make words!

SCHMIDT [sigh] So there are six of us.

SOUND HATCH OPENS, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS

RAABE What is going on here?

SCHMIDT [snort] We are planning a party. What does it look like?

RAABE What is happening that makes everyone so--

BOHIN There! In the WATER! They have come!

RAABE --Crazy?

SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, A STRUGGLE, A BODY SLAMMED AGAINST METAL.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 10.

HEINRICH [canned] He was in a detestably childish state, and babbled of some illusion of dead bodies drifting past the portholes; bodies which he recognized, in spite of bloating, as having seen dying during some of our victorious German exploits. And he said that the young man we had found and tossed overboard was their leader. This was very gruesome and abnormal.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 11.

RAABE Seaman Bohin tried to leap off the deck. We had to hold him down until the madness left him, sir.

KIENZE All for such a small thing.

SOUND SMALL IVORY STATUE SET ON TABLE

RAABE That is what this is all about?

KIENZE Just that.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, STATUE IS SNATCHED UP AND PUT AWAY IN A POCKET

ZIMMER Sir! Leutnant Kienze? Bohin is gone! He is nowhere on the ship.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 12.

HEINRICH [canned] It at length became apparent that we had missed the Dacia altogether. Such failures are not uncommon, and we were more pleased than disappointed, since our return to Wilhelmshaven was now in order.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 13.

SOUND MEASURED FOOTSTEPS

AMB INSIDE

SEAMEN [Muffled, CHEERS!!!]

HEINRICH [sigh] This soft-headedness is not good. Morale is the result of willpower, not coddling.

KIENZE Still, I too will be glad when this trip is over. That southern current we have blundered into bothers me.

HEINRICH It explains how we missed our target. Not every inch of the ocean is charted properly.

KIENZE But it is so strong - to be overlooked.

RAABE [clears his throat] Sir?

HEINRICH Schneider still not feeling well?

RAABE He prefers to remain in the engine room, sir. He does not like ... being near portholes.

KIENZE Portholes?

RAABE His dreams haunt him. [hurriedly] But he is not impaired in his job.

HEINRICH [teasing] Well, certainly you did not come all this way to tell us Senior Engineer Schneider does not like portholes. Out with it!

RAABE Something fantastic has happened. The boat - it is surrounded by -- dolphins.

HEINRICH Dolphins? How many?

SOUND KIENZE'S FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY

KIENZE [off] Ya, come and look! They are everywhere!

HEINRICH Finally something the superstitious can interpret as a good sign, ya?

KIENZE [jubilant] Just as we decide to return to Schlicktown! This should truly mollify them.

HEINRICH [dry] How fortunate.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 14.

HEINRICH [canned] At noon June 28 we turned northeastward, and despite some rather comical entanglements with the unusual masses of dolphins, were soon under way.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 15.

SOUND SNORING [HEINRICH]

SFX EXPLOSION

HEINRICH [wakes up] What? What?

SOUND MANY RUNNING FEET, SOME BARE, ONE PAIR OF BOOTS STOMPS THROUGH CALMLY

HEINRICH Report. Someone report!

SCHMIDT This is your fault, you swine! You made us‑‑

SOUND SLAP, BODY HITS METAL WALL

HEINRICH SHUT UP. Is there anyone who can talk sense?

KIENZE [breathless, and coughing] They have the fire out. The explosion was in the engine room.

HEINRICH What caused it?

KIENZE They have found no cause as yet. The damage is extensive. All systems have not yet been tested, but it is certain we have no steering.

HEINRICH No--? What about the air compressors?

KIENZE They appear undamaged. But, mein freund--

HEINRICH Ya? What is it?

KIENZE Schneider and - and Raabe - they were killed instantly.

HEINRICH [long indrawn breath, then cold as he can be] That is most unfortunate.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 16.

HEINRICH [canned] Our situation had suddenly become grave indeed; for though the chemical air regenerators were intact, and we could use the devices for raising and submerging the ship and opening the hatches as long as compressed air and storage batteries might hold out, we were powerless to propel or guide the submarine.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 17.

SOUND SNORING [KIENZE]

SOUND CURTAIN OPENS VERY STEALTHILY, HUSHED FOOTSTEPS, RUSTLING

KIENZE [snoring stops]

SCHMIDT [gasp]

SOUND SCUFFLE

SOUND COCK OF GUN

KIENZE What is it you think you are doing?

SCHMIDT [nutso] He demands it! He will not let me sleep until it is returned to him!

HEINRICH [off] Was iss?

KIENZE A mutiny, kaleu.

MUSIC VERY BRIEF

HEINRICH [muttered] Can we do without Schmidt, short as we are of hands?

KIENZE Hah! With no engines to maintain, I must always find make-work for the men. They will go mad [bad choice of words] -- they are restless if left sitting on their hands.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 18.

HEINRICH [canned] German lives are precious, but the constant raving of Schmidt concerning a terrible curse was most subversive of discipline, so drastic steps were taken. The crew accepted the event in a sullen fashion.

MUSIC FADED OUT

SCENE 19.

AMBIANCE INSIDE

SOUND HATCH OPENS

ZIMMER [jubilant, yelling down from above] A ship! We are delivered!

HEINRICH [composed] Excellent. You see, Kienze? It is never so dark that there is no light. Come along.

SOUND STEPS CLIMBING LADDER, THEN OUT ON DECK

KIENZE Give me the glasses.

ZIMMER But it is a ship, leutnant, isn't that enough?

KIENZE [suspicious] Glasses, now!

SOUND A BEAT, THEN HEAVY ITEM PUT IN GLOVED HAND.

HEINRICH Vas ist?

KIENZE [disappointed and disgusted] Yankees.

ZIMMER But surely surrender is better than death--

HEINRICH [cold] Zimmer?

ZIMMER [braced for the worst] Ya, kapitanleutnant?

HEINRICH [colder] Prepare for a dive.

SOUND GOING DOWN LADDER.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 20.

HEINRICH [canned] We did not descend far. After several hours, we decided to return to the surface, however, the ship failed to respond to our direction in spite of all that the mechanics could do. Some of the men began to mutter again, but the sight of an automatic pistol calmed them.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 21.

KIENZE Kaleu, the men are very restless. They fear the worst, being trapped and drifting. They blame us for making a bad decision.

HEINRICH [offhand] It was the only decision to make. None but a weakling would surrender to the Yankees.

KIENZE Any man may turn weak in such conditions--

HEINRICH [self-satisfied] No Prussian. And if I must be the backbone so my crew can stand straight as men, so be it.

KIENZE The men are restless. Angry.

HEINRICH [dangerous] If they will not stand, then I will put them down and stamp their bodies into pulp fit only to paint the walls.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 22.

HEINRICH [canned] It was about 5 A.M., that the general mutiny broke loose. The six remaining pigs of seamen, suspecting that we were lost, suddenly burst into a mad fury, roared like the animals they were, and broke instruments and furniture indiscriminately. Leutnant Kienze seemed paralyzed and inefficient, as one might expect of a soft, womanish Rhinelander.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 23.

SOUND FADING IN, SIX GUNSHOTS, ECHO FADES AWAY

HEINRICH [breathing hard]

KIENZE [gasping, almost hysterical]

HEINRICH [deep breath] Get up.

KIENZE [gasps] Did you--? Was that ... necessary?

HEINRICH [scornful laugh] You saw them. Now, stand. We need to clean house.

KIENZE What do you plan to do?

HEINRICH What else? Put them out. We can't keep them here to stink up the place.

SOUND SCUFFLING, THEN SHUFFLING FEET

KIENZE We can use the top hatch--

HEINRICH Ya, ya. [going off] Make sure they are all dead, will you?

KIENZE [calling] Where are--? This will be easier with two.

HEINRICH [turning back, briefly] So would killing them, but I had to handle that. This is your part. [leaving again] Let me know when you need help getting them up into the hatch.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 24.

HEINRICH [canned] Our compasses, depth gauges, and other delicate instruments were ruined by the rampage of those swine; henceforth our only reckoning would be guesswork, based on our watches, the calendar, and our apparent rate of drift.

MUSIC FADED OUT

SCENE 25.

SOUND FEET COMING IN [KEINZE]

HEINRICH Look at this.

KIENZE [coming in] Ya? Oh, ya, more dolphins. Very exciting.

HEINRICH No, no - this one here. See the one with the scar?

KIENZE Ya.

HEINRICH How deep are we, did we determine?

KIENZE Too deep for dolphins, certainly, but--

HEINRICH I have been watching this one in the searchlight for two hours now - and he has not left our side. Delphinus delphis is a cetacean mammal, unable to subsist without air.

KIENZE Perhaps they are magic dolphins. [trying to chuckle] I'm not interested in them until we run out of other rations.

HEINRICH It is a very important discovery. Perhaps a new sub-species.

KIENZE [sigh] I'm sure the dolphins will be fascinated when you present your paper to them.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 26.

HEINRICH [canned] With the passage of time Kienze and I decided that we were still drifting south, meanwhile sinking deeper and deeper. I could not help observing, however, the inferior scientific knowledge of my companion. His mind was not Prussian, but given to imaginings with no value.

MUSIC HAS FADED OUT

SCENE 27.

SOUND SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON

KIENZE Fabulous, isn't it?

HEINRICH Sunken ships? Interesting, yes, but fabulous? What else are you likely to find on the ocean floor?

KIENZE No, no - look there. To the right. You see? That peak. It is --

HEINRICH A rock.

KIENZE No! It is too regular for a rock. You will see when we get closer.

HEINRICH Wake me when you can see it, then. I think I will have some sleep.

KIENZE You don't care?

HEINRICH Ya, ya. Do you need me to remain?

SOUND SITS IN CHAIR

KIENZE [beat] We have lost our escort.

SOUND LEAFING THROUGH A BOOK

HEINRICH Vas?

KIENZE Your beloved dolphins. They have finally abandoned us.

HEINRICH I am more surprised they remained with us so long.

KIENZE [beat] What are we to do?

HEINRICH Do? About the dolphins? I am sure they can take care of themselves.

KIENZE You know what I mean! What are we to do when we run out of... of... everything

HEINRICH That is days, perhaps weeks away. Why waste angst?

KIENZE But - there is no hope. We will ... we must die.

HEINRICH Everyone must die.

KEINZE We could try and get to the surface - one of us - in the diving suit.

HEINRICH And how deep did we decide we were?

KEINZE [beat, sigh] very deep.

HEINRICH If you want to take the suit, and try to get it to the surface, you are welcome. But you know what will happen.

KEINZE It is possible to survive caissons disease. ["the bends"] Even drastic decompression--

HEINRICH As a cripple? With joints that never work without pain? With skin so damaged no one can look you in the face? Perhaps paralyzed, even? Incontinent?

KEINZE [sigh]

HEINRICH Better to die as a man than live as a beast. Of course you might be lucky and have an embolism on the way up, and then ride the waves as a corpse.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 28.

HEINRICH [canned] His mind was tired, but I am always a German, and was quick to notice that the U-29 was standing the deep-sea pressure splendidly. Our southward speed, as gauged by the ocean floor, was about as I had estimated from the organisms passed at higher levels.

MUSIC FADE AND OUT

SCENE 29.

SOUND BOTTLE POURS

KIENZE [slightly drunk] Ya, plenty of air and food, but this [long gulping swig] won't last forever.

HEINRICH Not at the rate you are abusing it.

KIENZE I cannot lose myself in study as you do. What is the point? So you know so much more before you die.

HEINRICH It is not impossible we will encounter another u-boat.

KIENZE Wake up Karl! This boat - it is our tomb. We are dead men. All we have left to do is lie down.

HEINRICH Go to bed, Leutnant. There is no point in talking when you are totalblau.

KIENZE [laughs bitterly] You are going to give me orders yet? What if I disobey? You clap me in irons? You will shoot me?

HEINRICH [close and dangerous] I will remind you that you are a man, a trained soldier, and an officer of the kaiser's navy, and as such you should have the will to face death.

KIENZE I am a soldier, ya. I can face death in battle. It is this lingering, drifting fate that horrifies me. It is like having a fatal disease - you know you must die, but you cannot know when.

HEINRICH Very well, then.

SOUND GUN OUT OF HOLSTER, CLICK AS BULLETS ARE CHECKED, GUN DROPPED ON TABLE

HEINRICH More air for me.

SOUND RATTLE OF CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, RATTLE OF GUN ON TABLE

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 30.

HEINRICH [canned] The fact of our coming death affected Kienze curiously. I was very sorry for him, for I dislike to see a German suffer; but he was not a good man to die with. For myself I was proud, knowing how the Fatherland would revere my memory.

MUSIC FADES OUT

SCENE 31.

SOUND SNORING [KIENZE]

KIENZE [waking with a horrified start, screaming] He is calling! He is calling! I hear him!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR

HEINRICH [coming on] What is wrong?

KIENZE We must go! He will not call forever!

SOUND SLAP

KIENZE [gasps, breathing hard, almost sobbing]

HEINRICH [commanding] Calm down. Remember yourself, man.

KIENZE V-v-vas? Kaleu?

HEINRICH There you are. [disdainful] You were having a nightmare. Now you are better.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS BEGIN TO WALK AWAY

KIENZE No.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP

HEINRICH [sigh] Vas?

KIENZE It was not a dream. It was a voice. I still hear it, you see! I still hear him. He calls to me - to us. I don't know why you cannot hear him!

HEINRICH You are still drunk. Or deluded.

KIENZE I am not. Truly. If you do not believe me, look out the porthole, and you will see his face. It is right in front of us.

HEINRICH What? Show me. Ah - blackness. Precisely what is between your ears.

KIENZE The searchlight - kommen-zie!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON

KIENZE There! There!

HEINRICH Mein gott!

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 32.

HEINRICH [canned] I am not given to emotion of any kind, but my amazement was very great when I saw what lay revealed in that electrical glow. And yet as one reared in the best Kultur of Prussia, I should not have been amazed, for geology and tradition alike tell us of great transpositions in oceanic and continental areas. What I saw was an extended and elaborate array of ruined edifices; all in various stages of preservation.

MUSIC OUT

SCENE 33.

HEINRICH [pleased] Atlantis! And we, Germans, have discovered it! This is stupendous.

KIENZE He is out there. His temple lies still before us, and he watches us from afar.

HEINRICH You saw this in your dreams?

KIENZE [disturbingly reasonable] He told me. We should go.

HEINRICH Go? Where?

KIENZE To him. Come now - do not wait until later; it is better to repent and be forgiven than to defy and be condemned.

HEINRICH You think we should go outside? We have only one diving apparatus.

KIENZE [laughs disturbingly] A suit? We need no suits - he will gather us to him.

HEINRICH You have finally crossed into madness. I will find you some medication.

KIENZE You cannot cure this with your science, Karl. You are so sensible, and what does it get you? Nothing. Nothing! Come now, or there will be nothing left for you!

HEINRICH You are mad.

KIENZE [losing it] If I am mad, it is a blessing. May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end! Come and be mad whilst he still calls with mercy!

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 34.

HEINRICH [canned] As he spoke he took his ivory image from the table, pocketed it, and seized my arm in an effort to drag me up the companionway to the deck. When that did not work, he fled. In a moment I heard the grind of the first hatch, and understood that he meant to open them both, exposing the U-29 to the water outside, a vagary of suicidal and homicidal mania for which I was scarcely prepared.

MUSIC OUT

SCENE 35.

SOUND THE HATCH WHEEL SPINS

SOUND GUN COCKS

HEINRICH One more move and I shoot.

KIENZE [laughs hysterically] Shoot? I have nothing to fear. He will welcome me.

HEINRICH Did I say I would kill you? I will shoot you in the leg, and clap you in irons.

KIENZE You ... would do that!?

HEINRICH Ya. [jaunty] But, I am not one to hold a man back. If you wish to go, go. I will even run the hatches for you.

KIENZE You... why?

HEINRICH Further, I will watch and make sure he finds you, once you are adrift.

KIENZE [plaintive] But you will not come with me?

HEINRICH Nein. I have things yet to accomplish.

KIENZE Very well. But he will not be pleased with you if you ignore his summons.

MUSIC IN AND UNDER

SCENE 36.

HEINRICH [canned] After I saw that Kienze was no longer in the boat I threw the searchlight around the water. I wished to ascertain whether the water-pressure would flatten him as it theoretically should, or whether the body would be unaffected, like those extraordinary dolphins. I did not, however, succeed in finding my late companion, for, owing to the abruptness of the change of angle, a wire was disconnected, which necessitated a delay of many minutes for repairs.

MUSIC OUT

SCENE 37.

SOUND SEARCHLIGHT OUT

[NOTE: "HIS ECHO" REFERS TO HEINRICH'S OWN WORDS FROM EARLIER IN THE SHOW - COMING BACK TO HAUNT HIM. THEY WILL BE PUT IN IN POST, AND HEINRICH SHOULD NOT REALLY PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THEM AS HE SPEAKS, AS THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY CONVERSING.]

HEINRICH [slow sigh]

HIS ECHO [very quiet] He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves.

HEINRICH Alone. To survive until I die. [deep breath] Very well.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

HIS ECHO [very quiet] One more victim of the unjust war of aggression...

SOUND PULL OUT BOOK, OPEN AND PAGE THROUGH.

SCENE 38.

MUSIC IN

HEINRICH [canned] I must be careful how I record my awakening today, for I am unstrung, and much hallucination is necessarily mixed with fact. Psychologically my case is most interesting, and I regret that it cannot be observed scientifically by a competent German authority.

HIS ECHO If you were a solid Prussian like myself--

HEINRICH Upon opening my eyes my first sensation was an overmastering desire to visit the rock temple that stood before the now-stationary U29.

HIS ECHO No, no. I have not the sentimental--

HEINRICH a desire which grew every instant, yet which I automatically sought to resist.

MUSIC OUT

SCENE 39.

SOUND VAGUE CHANTING, DEEP UNDER.

HEINRICH [Waking suddenly] Heh? What is this?

SOUND SCRABBLE OUT OF BED, CROSS ROOM

HEINRICH Light? Where is this coming from? [wild hope] Could it be?

SOUND RUN THROUGH SHIP

HEINRICH Where? Another ship? [muttered] Port side, port side. Aha! [sound of triumph turns into sound of dismay]

HIS ECHO Superstitious rubbish.

HEINRICH It is alight!

MUSIC UP

SCENE 40.

HEINRICH It is well that the reader accept nothing which follows as objective truth, for the events are necessarily the subjective and unreal creations of my overtaxed mind.

HIS ECHO It is all a trick of the light.

HEINRICH When I attained the conning tower I found the sea in general far less luminous than I had expected. But the door and windows of the undersea temple hewn from the rocky hill were vividly aglow with a flickering radiance, as from a mighty altar-flame far within.

HIS ECHO I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship!

HEINRICH The light showed that the friezes which covered the front of the temple, clearly carved from the solid rock of the cliffside, depicted many repetitions of but one face - the same face as the ivory bust which Kienze had carried back to the sea with him.

HIS ECHO --this one is much too young and handsome.

HEINRICH The rest is very simple.

HIS ECHO --a god.

HEINRICH My impulse to visit and enter the temple has now become an inexplicable and imperious command which ultimately cannot be denied.

HIS ECHO This soft-headedness is not good.

HEINRICH My own German will no longer controls my acts, and volition is henceforward possible only in minor matters.

HIS ECHO Do not show weakness. It makes you sound unreliable.

HEINRICH When first I saw that I must go,

HIS ECHO That is most unfortunate.

HEINRICH I prepared my diving suit, helmet, and air regenerator for instant donning,

HIS ECHO --have an embolism on the way up, and ride the waves as a corpse.

HEINRICH and immediately commenced to write this hurried chronicle in the hope that it may some day reach the world.

HIS ECHO This is your part.

HEINRICH I shall seal the manuscript in a bottle and entrust it to the sea as I leave the U-29 forever.

HIS ECHO Better to die as a man than live as a beast.

HEINRICH I have no fear, not even from the prophecies of the madman Kienze.

HIS ECHO None but a weakling would surrender

HEINRICH What I have seen cannot be true, and I know that this madness of my own, will at most lead only to suffocation when my air is gone.

HIS ECHO you should have the will to face death.

HEINRICH The light in the temple is a sheer delusion, and I shall die calmly like a German, in the black and forgotten depths.

HIS ECHO Why waste angst?

HEINRICH This demoniac laughter which I hear as I write comes only from my own weakening brain.

HIS ECHO blackness. Precisely what is between your ears.

HEINRICH So I will carefully don my suit and walk boldly up the steps into the primal shrine, that silent secret of unfathomed waters and uncounted years.

HIS ECHO If you wish to go, go.

END

When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical.

Cast List Cael - Julie Hoverson Amalan - Krystal Baker Mazurin - Gareth Bowley Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf Prince Tupin - Abner Senires

Music: Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen Editing / Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a road through a dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle"

________________________________________________

SWORD KVETCH

Cast:

Mazurin, Evil Wizard

Cael, Amazon Warrior

Tupin, Captive Prince

Gigli, Goblin

Amalan, Magic Sword

OLIVIA What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell?

MUSIC

AMB SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS

SOUND WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE

SOUND HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER

CAEL [sigh] Typical.

AMALAN What?

CAEL I could write a ballad already.

AMALAN Oh, no. No, no, no - that's not your job.

CAEL Shh. I'm composing. [muttering to self]

AMALAN [whispered] [sigh] Typical.

CAEL Evil castle looms ahead.... Hmm... Nighttime, need to rest my head--

AMALAN You can't rhyme head with ahead.

CAEL It rhymes, doesn't it?

AMALAN [exasperated sigh]

CAEL [vague threat] I'm getting another sword.

AMALAN You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me.

CAEL [exasperated sigh]

AMALAN And who could you ever pass me off to?

CAEL Someone deaf.

MUSIC

AMD ECHOEY CASTLE

SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN

GIGLI [coming on] Master! Master!

MAZURIN [distracted] Mm?

GIGLI Master!

MAZURIN Shh-shh-shh. [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi?

GIGLI But master--!

MAZURIN [tsks] I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust.

GIGLI [flat] Why?

MAZURIN It's a vital transmutation. A change like this could make a great deal of difference!

GIGLI To a thirsty cockroach?

MAZURIN No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change--

GIGLI [sigh] Sir?

MAZURIN --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture. And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust!

GIGLI Good. Lovely. Can I report now? It's kind of urgent.

SOUND FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC.

MAZURIN [still distracted] Uh - what? Yes, of course, go ahead.

GIGLI Are you listening?

SOUND BOTTLE SET DOWN

MAZURIN [distant] Of course.

GIGLI [exasperated] Oh!

SOUND BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR

MAZURIN What? Why did you--?

GIGLI Listening now?

MAZURIN [annoyed] Yes, get on with it!

GIGLI Someone is approaching the castle!

MAZURIN [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses.

GIGLI It's an Amazon!

MAZURIN [mildly interested] Oh, that's different. [shrug] Still, the defenses...

GIGLI The moat monster is in labor.

MAZURIN I thought it laid eggs.

GIGLI Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it. And it's not best pleased about it.

MAZURIN Oh.

GIGLI And the man-eating vines--?

MAZURIN What? I didn't do-- They're not giving birth, are they?

GIGLI Think it through?

MAZURIN What?

GIGLI Man-eating vines? Amazon warrior?

MAZURIN [realizing slowly] Oh? Oh!

GIGLI [sigh]

MUSIC

SOUND HOOFBEATS ON WOOD

AMALAN Cael, I don't like this.

CAEL You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle?

AMALAN [sarcastic] No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'. Of course that's what I mean! There must be a trap--

CAEL I'll keep my eyes peeled.

AMALAN Me too.

CAEL You haven't any eyes.

AMALAN Don't nitpick.

SOUND HOOFBEATS STOP

SOUND TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL

CAEL [musing] No reception committee. No moat monster.... The gargoyles?

AMALAN They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there.

CAEL Well, then.

SOUND DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS

SOUND POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR

AMALAN Subtlety. I like it.

CAEL It's what I do.

MUSIC

SOUND DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR

GIGLI [calling from off] Master!

MAZURIN Stop banging, Gigli.

SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

GIGLI [a little closer] They're at the door!

MAZURIN Tell them we don't want any.

GIGLI [almost here] The Amazon?

MAZURIN Oh, yes. She got through the defenses--? Oh, yes of course.

GIGLI What are you going to do?

MAZURIN Oh, the usual.

GIGLI [sigh, down] Send me to find out what she wants?

MAZURIN Good idea. Let me know what she says.

MUSIC

SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR

AMALAN If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses.

CAEL The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle.

AMALAN They might not know.

CAEL Yes. [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out--

GIGLI [yelling from off, above] Hail, warrior!

CAEL Hmm. Manners. [up] Who hails me?

GIGLI I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer--

AMALAN [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance?

CAEL [side of mouth] Shh. [up] I have come to face your wizard. Open the gate.

GIGLI What is your charge? Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage.

AMALAN Crooking tiers?

CAEL [tiny sigh] I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie--

AMALAN With a minor in [shudder] songwriting...

CAEL --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer--

AMALAN [muttered] Ballbuster.

CAEL [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage.

GIGLI And my boss is supposed to care - why?

CAEL The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours.

AMALAN Excessive.

CAEL And thus have I come to reclaim him.

GIGLI Oh! Right. Hold on, I'll tell the wizard.

CAEL Where'd he go?

AMALAN Ducked behind one of those excrescences.

CAEL I didn't see any of those.

AMALAN [exasperated] The gargoyles.

CAEL So we wait for the wizard to speak.

SOUND DRUMMING OF FINGERS

AMALAN Oh, you're not--

CAEL "Green and crooked, small and beady"... [searching for a rhyme] beady? Beeeee-dy.

AMALAN Eyes are beady. He was more... seedy.

CAEL Ah! "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady".

AMALAN [sigh]

MUSIC

SOUND SCRITCHING OF A PEN

SOUND SLAPPING FEET RUN UP

GIGLI [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off] Sire! She's here for him!

SOUND DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS

MAZURIN Him? Oh, well. That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and--

GIGLI You can't just hand him over!

MAZURIN Why not? Then she'll go away. Problem solved.

GIGLI [exasperated sigh] Tradition? Ring a bell?

MAZURIN Tradition? Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like--

GIGLI No! But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness. [muttered] And so she'll keep him once she gets him.

MAZURIN Oh. I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks. What does tradition say?

GIGLI I'll make you up some note cards. Want me to let her in?

MAZURIN An... Amazon? Don't they sleep in barns or something?

GIGLI I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her. I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner.

MAZURIN I will?

GIGLI Tradition.

MAZURIN [pouting] Fine. Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes.

MUSIC

GIGLI [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly.

SOUND BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL

AMALAN Roomy.

CAEL Kind of dusty, isn't it?

AMALAN Hard to keep help in an evil castle.

CAEL [agreeing] Hmm.

SOUND POOF!

MAZURIN [booming voice] Dusty? Humph!

SOUND POOF!

SOUND WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER.

AMALAN [doubtful] Impressive?

MAZURIN [muttered] Oh, drat.

CAEL [wiping her face] Well, that's new.

SOUND SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF

MAZURIN [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on.

AMALAN You could use it, back home.

CAEL Shh.

AMALAN You could finally get your quarters clean.

CAEL Shh!

MAZURIN What?

CAEL Nothing. [declaring] Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed. This is my quest. [snarls] Do not stand in my way.

MAZURIN Oh, of course not.

AMALAN What?

GIGLI [hissed] Master!

MAZURIN Huh? Oh right - as long as-- um, you--

GIGLI [whispered prompting] Can overcome my challenges three.

MAZURIN --Can overcome three challenges.

GIGLI [muttered] Close enough.

CAEL Of course. Name your challenges.

MAZURIN [taken completely aback] Oh! Well--

GIGLI [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward] My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days. Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one.

CAEL Morning? Why not start now?

AMALAN Tradition.

GIGLI Tradition, milady.

CAEL Fine. What now?

GIGLI Dinner?

CAEL Hmm. How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time?

MUSIC

SOUND RINGING OF CRYSTAL

AMALAN Well, it's a guy.

CAEL He's... glass?

MAZURIN Much less irritating that way.

GIGLI [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt.

AMALAN That's a lot of contempt.

CAEL It's rather a lot of prince. Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front. When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right?

MAZURIN That goes without saying--

GIGLI After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh. After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him.

CAEL Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton. And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him.

MAZURIN Not really.

AMALAN Nice.

CAEL You said something about dinner?

MUSIC

SOUND DINING

GIGLI More port, sire?

MAZURIN [dismissive] Yes, yes. Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy--

SOUND CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink

MAZURIN Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him--

GIGLI Your port.

MAZURIN Over there, beside the battlefield.

GIGLI [exasperated sigh]

SOUND CUP SET DOWN.

MAZURIN Where was I, oh yes, slow him--

SOUND CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW

MAZURIN --and eventually stop him.

SOUND MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN

CAEL [interested] Clever.

MAZURIN Really?

CAEL Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target. So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like--

AMALAN Garden gnomes?

CAEL --like so many topiary. Hmm. Not bad at all. I could even write a song about that.

AMALAN Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass.

CAEL Shut up.

MAZURIN I didn't say anything.

CAEL Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse--

AMALAN I am not cursed.

CAEL --of a sword. It talks to me.

MAZURIN Do you often hear weapons talk?

AMALAN [snickers]

CAEL No, really. Here--

SOUND UNSHEATHES SWORD

CAEL Say something. [beat] [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me. [muttered] Don't make me look bad. [up] When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her.

GIGLI Your sword is a girl? Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive?

AMALAN Big words from a goblin, bub.

CAEL [heavy sigh] See?

MUSIC

SOUND WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER

GIGLI Sleep tight!

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

CAEL I can't believe you would embarrass me that way!

AMALAN Embarrass you? Who called who cursed?

CAEL No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed.

AMALAN Oh. That's different.

CAEL How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now?

AMALAN Who cares? He's old. And evil.

CAEL He's not that old.

AMALAN And evil.

CAEL [shrug] That's his job.

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET

MAZURIN [roaring] Gigli?

GIGLI Gurk! [deep breath, then bright] Yes, master?

MAZURIN What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that?

GIGLI I -- I didn't--

MAZURIN You called her a lummox!

GIGLI She was... playing you, sire! I was only defending your--

MAZURIN What? Playing what?

GIGLI Playing games. You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever! You're so smart!" [normal] blech! And you--

MAZURIN [wounded] Of course people listen to me--

GIGLI I don't.

MAZURIN [huffy] You're just a familiar.

GIGLI [muttered] Don't remind me. [up] Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier.

MAZURIN What's wrong with that?

GIGLI [sigh] You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord.

MAZURIN Oh, I really don't--

GIGLI --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you.

MAZURIN [gasp of panic]

GIGLI And when will you ever get anything done?

MUSIC

SOUND PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL

AMALAN So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors. So what?

CAEL It's dawn. He said dawn.

AMALAN Barely. Sit.

CAEL Nah. I'm hyped. I'm ready for something really difficult. A good fight.

SOUND POOF!

MAZURIN The challenge is--

CAEL [eager] Yes?

MAZURIN Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know.

AMALAN Ri-i-ight.

CAEL Not gonna happen.

MAZURIN I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--.

GIGLI [hissed] Cunning!

MAZURIN And cunning.

CAEL And?

MAZURIN And...? [thinks] and... meanness?

CAEL [sigh] And the challenge?

MAZURIN Right. You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard.

AMALAN [eyeroll] Oh, jeez.

CAEL [skeptical] Are you sure?

MAZURIN Sure?

SOUND SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS

MAZURIN Um... yes. That's the first challenge.

AMALAN You wanna tell him, or should I?

CAEL Ok, here's the deal. I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster.

MAZURIN Oh. [whispered] Would that work?

SOUND FLIPPING PAGES

GIGLI Uh-- Yeah.

CAEL Or I could--

MAZURIN [whispered] I can go on to another one.

GIGLI [whispered] Nah. You can't switch horses in midstream.

CAEL Is everything all right?

MAZURIN [up] Just a moment!

AMALAN Ka-ching!

CAEL What?

AMALAN You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard.

CAEL I still don't think he's all that evil.

AMALAN He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you.

CAEL And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops--

MAZURIN All right. We've got this settled.

AMALAN He lets his familiar be part of the decision process?

CAEL I talk to a sword. [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard?

MAZURIN Well. [ahem] Rather than have to restock my pond--

AMALAN Boo-yah!

MAZURIN --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning.

CAEL What do we do for the rest of the day?

MAZURIN [at a loss] uh... well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop?

AMALAN Spare me.

CAEL That would be fascinating.

AMALAN No really, spare me!

CAEL While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh.

MAZURIN Oh, right. Of course.

AMALAN Couldn't you leave me with the blasted goblin? At least he can hold a conversation.

CAEL Shut up.

MAZURIN What? Oh, right, the sword. Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa? Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night--

CAEL Oh, is that what that was--?

MAZURIN --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression.

MUSIC

CAEL [singing, but a bit shaky] the mighty warrior calms her rage goes into the castle dark and drear wond'ring what sort of wicked mage might be he that liv-ed here and whether she would see another day!

SOUND LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

MAZURIN [admiring] You wrote that just last night?

CAEL I - I couldn't sleep. It's not finished.

MUSIC

MAZURIN I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things. Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around?

MAZ and CAEL [CHUCKLE]

GIGLI [exasperated] On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop?

MAZURIN Dine? But it's hardly even dark out-- Oh! Well.

CAEL No wonder you keep lighting candles.

MAZURIN I didn't even notice, I was so caught up--

GIGLI Din-ner?

MAZURIN Of course. Of course. Shall we?

CAEL [stretching] I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished.

GIGLI And your sword?

CAEL don't be silly. Swords don't eat. She's been awfully quiet, though.

AMALAN I have been trying to ignore you. You're acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord.

CAEL What?

AMALAN And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy. He's enchanting you.

MAZURIN Something wrong?

CAEL No. [thinking] Nothing.

MUSIC

GIGLI Sleep well. Challenge at dawn. All that.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

CAEL Check me for magic.

AMALAN Why?

CAEL You're the one who said he's enchanting me.

AMALAN I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker.

CAEL So you don't really suspect a spell?

AMALAN I don't see anything out of the ordinary.

CAEL Whew. That's a relief.

MUSIC

SOUND BANGING ON THE DOOR

GIGLI Rise and shine! It's dawn.

SOUND DOOR OPENS SLOWLY

GIGLI Hello? Hmm.

SOUND FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM

GIGLI Must already be down there... [mischievous] We-e-e-ell.

SOUND PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS

GIGLI Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies. Lace would ride up something fierce. What's this?

SOUND PARCHMENT UNROLLS

GIGLI [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she? Blah blah blah. "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!" [tsks, then truly rueful] Boss ain't gonna like this.

MUSIC

MAZURIN The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway? [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses.

CAEL OK. But this one's going to be easy too.

AMALAN Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp?

MAZURIN Oh?

CAEL Course. I've spent my entire life around the royal stables. Horses like me.

MAZURIN Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more--

CAEL Nonsense.

MAZURIN Nonsense?

CAEL Silly! First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep. And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned. Which way?

MAZURIN Oh, um, I'll take you there.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS

CAEL That would be lovely. Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help?

MAZURIN I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but--

CAEL Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

MAZURIN But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals--

CAEL Oh, he's not who I was thinking of.

MAZURIN What, who, then?

CAEL Nuh-uh. Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away.

MAZURIN [enjoying the byplay] Shall I guess?

CAEL Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you.

MAZURIN All right. Yes. You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you.

CAEL [laughs] Fine. You wanna help?

MAZURIN Me?

CAEL I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft...

MAZURIN Oh! [laughs himself] Oh, yes!

AMALAN [disgusted] Oh, gods.

MUSIC

GIGLI No, no, no, no, NO! She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part?

MAZURIN You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain. What do you think of my beard?

GIGLI Your beard? Why?

MAZURIN I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing.

GIGLI [disgusted] Dashing?

MAZURIN Makes me look a bit of a rakehell. Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe? I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.]

GIGLI Oh, you moron! [sigh] She's supposed to marry the prince.

MAZURIN [hum cuts out with a gasp] wh-wh-whatever do you mean? [Blustering, trying to laugh] What? Ha-ha-ha. [losing momentum, starting to wind down] What did you think I was ... doing?

GIGLI I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear. She has to get the prince back and marry him.

MAZURIN She has to--

GIGLI Said "Princess Cael" big as life.

MAZURIN Oh.

MUSIC

SOUND CAEL GETTING DRESSED

AMALAN Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it. No one likes a smelly Amazon.

CAEL Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise?

AMALAN Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions?

CAEL Um, yes...

AMALAN The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes?

CAEL [overly casual] Yes. Did I pack it?

AMALAN I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?"

CAEL Drat.

AMALAN How can you stand him? He's so dull!

CAEL Dull? What do you mean?

AMALAN I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes. Turning locusts to aspic. That was much more boring.

CAEL It was not. It's important magic. He's very clever.

AMALAN Clever like a fox. No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it. I means he's deliberately being disarming,

CAEL Speaking of disarming...

SOUND BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND

AMALAN What are you doing?

CAEL Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you.

AMALAN What?

CAEL No reason I'd need a sword at dinner. Even with an evil wizard.

MUSIC

SOUND EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES

MAZURIN [heartfelt heavy sigh]

TUPIN [mouth full] So where's this princess? She one of those who likes to make an entrance? Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh? Is she hot?

GIGLI [muttered] I'd actually forgotten--

SOUND BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS

MAZURIN [deeply affected - she looks good] Oh.

TUPIN [eating stops, swallow] That her? Man, she's kinda chunky. And old.

GIGLI Oh, for a hammer.

SOUND [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER

MAZURIN [barely able to talk] You look - very nice. Very.

TUPIN Aren't you a little underdressed?

CAEL I - who? [whispered] Who is that?

GIGLI You don't recognize him?

CAEL Oh, the prince! Greetings, your highness. So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down.

MAZURIN Have a seat, milady?

CAEL Thank you so much, kind sir.

TUPIN I don't have to stand. I'm royalty.

CAEL What?

TUPIN That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything. Princes don't have to stand.

GIGLI [whispered] Please let me leave, boss. I'm gonna kill him.

CAEL I didn't mean anything--

MAZURIN [whispered] Go, then.

GIGLI As you command.

SOUND QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR

TUPIN Well, you sounded very critical. I don't put up with that from anybody. Not even other royalty.

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS

AMALAN Who's there?

GIGLI Where is it...?

SOUND SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH

AMALAN Unhand me!

GIGLI Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword... Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle]

AMALAN Prince Tupin?

GIGLI Yeah. What a prize.

AMALAN That bad? Is he - of course! He's awake, isn't he?

GIGLI Unfortunately.

AMALAN Oh, man, and I'm missing it.

GIGLI If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar.

AMALAN Nah. She's under strict orders.

GIGLI Yeah, I know.

AMALAN You know.... what?

GIGLI Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things. He was really disappointed, you know.

AMALAN Disappointed? Your master? Why?

GIGLI That your princess will be marrying the prince.

AMALAN Big whoop. She has to marry someone. Besides, it's years off.

GIGLI Yeah, but he-- Nothing.

AMALAN He what?

GIGLI It's kind of amazing, really. Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell. And then finding out she's spoken for.

AMALAN He's interested in the princess? That's kind of creepy.

GIGLI Why? He may be a wizard, but he is a man.

AMALAN Perv.

GIGLI Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes. You should be more supportive.

AMALAN You're a perv too. The princess is only 13!

GIGLI [blink blink] She's really tall, then.

AMALAN Huh? Have you even seen the princess?

GIGLI [halting] Your... lady warrior?

AMALAN Oh, heck no. The princess Cael is-- Oh! You thought my boss was the princess? Gads! Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight?

GIGLI Oh? Oh! I've got to tell him!

SOUND SLAPPY FEET

AMALAN Wait! You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up.

GIGLI [snorts] He wouldn't know how to begin. Short of turning her to aspic...

MUSIC

CAEL With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks.

MAZURIN [a bit negative] Back?

CAEL Yes.

MAZURIN [grumpy] Why?

CAEL [a bit deflated] To... return the horses?

MAZURIN Oh, of course. [lying badly] I may not be here. I have a big trip coming up. But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep...

CAEL [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN

GIGLI Sire! There has been a grave error!

MAZURIN [sharp] What?

GIGLI It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince?

CAEL He fell asleep. I think he ate too much.

GIGLI [chuckles] I'll bet. Good one, sire.

MAZURIN What is your news, mannikin?

GIGLI Ah, yes. Um, can you come over here, maybe?

CAEL I can... leave.

GIGLI No! [urging] Master?

MAZURIN Just spit it out.

GIGLI [whispered] She's not the one.

CAEL Not the one what?

MAZURIN Not? What?

GIGLI Arrying-may the ince-pray.

CAEL Your goblin has lost its mind.

MAZURIN Not marrying the prince? You're not marrying the prince?

CAEL Me? Oh, gods no!!

MAZURIN But he saw--

GIGLI Princess Cael is marrying him.

CAEL Yeah. She's my cousin. It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday. Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then?

MAZURIN Not you?

CAEL No. [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him. Besides, he's years younger than me.

MAZURIN Then you can marry anyone you want?

CAEL Once I successfully complete my quest. That's kind of why I took it.

MAZURIN [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind?

CAEL [suddenly shy] No. Why?

MAZURIN Nothing. Just--

GIGLI This is disgusting. Just kiss her.

CAEL But there's a third test--?

MAZURIN Oh, yes...

GIGLI [eye roll] The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win. Kiss her.

MAZURIN [excited] Can we do that?

GIGLI The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored. ...And tradition.

CAEL We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest. There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back.

GIGLI Now there's an idea...

MAZURIN Perhaps an escort would be helpful? Hmm?

CAEL ...and a cart. Then he could sleep the entire trip!

GIGLI Poor princess.

CAEL She throws things. I think they're actually well matched.

MAZURIN [giddy] Well, perhaps a toast?

CAEL And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime.

MAZURIN Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip.

GIGLI [disgusted moan]

END

In classic 1940s Hollywood, aspiring screenwriter Fiona Cross discovers the pitfalls of writing remakes - including, perhaps, romance with an undying legend of the silver screen.

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

Fiona Cross - E. Vickery Victor Malacard - Cole Hornaday George - Jerry Bennett Margie - Kristina Yuen Andy - Michael Faigenblum Additional Voices - Rhea Lutton, Julie Hoverson, Reynaud LeBoeuf

Music: Gabriel Garcea (gagamusic.eu) (also available on Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Cover Photos: (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a movie studio office - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a screenwriter?"

_______________________________________________

HOUSEWARMING

Cast:

[opening credits/Olivia]

Fiona Cross, screenwriter

George Webber, producer

Victor Malacard, actor/director

Margie, best friend

Mason, butler

Andy, a Messenger

Instructor

voice, on P.A.

Landlady

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a film producer's office, can't you tell?

SCENE 1

MUSIC

SOUND EFFICIENT TYPING, PHONES IN THE BACKGROUND

GEORGE The bad news is -it's really very good.

FIONA [excited] Wonderful! [waitaminute] That's the bad news?

GEORGE Yup. Because we can't use it.

SOUND SHEAF OF PAPERS TOSSED ONTO TABLE.

FIONA What? But ...but Mr. Webber, you said it was

GEORGE Practically brilliant. I'll even read your next one, and I don't say that often. [pauses, thinks] Ever. But, Miss Cross... you should know by now that writing remakes is a complete waste of time. There's all sorts of issues. We don't want to get sued.

FIONA But The House on the Peak was made-

GEORGE Twenty-odd years ago. It's still dicey. Whoever owns it could sue us, and after that fiasco at Champion pictures last year... We're taking no chances. We're not Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, you know.

FIONA If ... what if I could make an arrangement with the owner? Would you still be interested?

GEORGE [cagey] Well, I said it was good, but I never actually said I was interested. [beat] Come back when you've got a signature.

MUSIC BRIDGE

SCENE 2

SOUND TINNY PHONOGRAPH MUSIC

INSTRUCTOR [off mike throughout] And lift. One. Two.

FIONA [puffing slightly throughout] All that work!

MARGIE [puffing slightly throughout] Goodness, Fiona, didn't anyone ever tell you never adapt?

INSTRUCTOR ...five and six. Arms up!

FIONA I guess I figured the studio would handle all that.

MARGIE [teasing] Did you just drop off the turnip truck -Oh, sorry, the porkchop truck.

INSTRUCTOR ...seven and eight -keep them up!

FIONA [teasing back] You just watch it, we Piggottsville girls are tough! [puffs a bit] Now I just have to get up the nerve.

MARGIE [sarcastic] Nerve? YOU? I can't imagine!

INSTRUCTOR [off] I hear someone talking!

FIONA [whispered] Enough nerve to go and talk to Victor Malacard.

MUSIC BRIDGE

SCENE 3

SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY. WOODSY NOISES FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.

FIONA OK, Fee. Let's see what you've got. Scene: Heroine walks up to big spooky house. She is nervous. Almost trembling -wait, no scratch that. She is resolved, plucky. Much better.

SOUND CREAK OF WOOD, BIRD CALL

FIONA [slightly spooked] Or not. Come on, Fee. You can DO this. Plucky heroine, for goodness sake. Pluck up.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.

FIONA What a scene. Artfully disheveled garden. Overgrown and dried out fountain. Huge mansion in exactly the proper state of dilapidation. [tries to laugh] I should be taking notes.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD STAIRS

FIONA [practicing] Mr. Malacard, I am such a big fan of--No, I'm sure he hears THAT all the-

SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW DOWN, THEN STOP.

FIONA [firm] Mr. Malacard. I have a proposition for--Oh pooh! [ingratiating] Mr. Malacard. How wonderful to finally meet-

SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN.

FIONA [gasp]

MASON [spooky and unwelcoming] May I help you?

FIONA [muttered] I bet you get a lot of these roles.

MASON Hmm?

FIONA Sorry. Nothing. I would like to speak to Mr. Malacard.

MASON No.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT.

FIONA What? Aren't you supposed to say something like [aping his voice] "I'm afraid Mr. Malacard... isn't himself today." [normal voice] and give me a chance to argue with you? [pause] Huh?

SOUND TWO FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD, THEN SHE SITS ON THE STAIR WITH A CREAK.

FIONA [calling over her shoulder] Very well, then. I'm not leaving. I'll just sit here until the spiderwebs grow up over me and I become part of the set!

SOUND BIRDS.

FIONA [muttered] Or at least until I get up the nerve to walk back to town. [sigh] Well, it's kind of nice here, anyway. Peaceful. [takes a couple of deep breaths]

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL APPROACH

VICTOR [coming on mike] Can I help you?

FIONA What? Oh! [noises, as she stands] Mr. Mal--Wait. You can't be--I'm confused.

VICTOR [chuckles] I look just like him, don't I? I'm Victor Malacard the lesser. Call me Vic.

FIONA Fiona Cross. I'm so pleased! I'm a writer, you see, and-15 VICTOR [cold] So sorry. Father doesn't give interviews.

FIONA Oh, no -I'm a screenwriter. I wrote a wonderful script-

VICTOR [perturbed] He doesn't act any more, either.

FIONA Does he let people finish their sentences?

VICTOR [chuckling in spite of himself] All right. Just point to me when it's my cue.

FIONA [deep breath] I wrote a new version of The House on the Peak, your father's masterpiece, and I would very much like to get it produced-

FIONA --because I spent a lot of time on it, and I know he would be flattered if he could only read it, because, well, the original was brilliant, but most people DO like sound nowadays, and this would bring his work back for more people to see, and if I could just get his permission, I have a studio which is VERY interested.

VICTOR [pause] My turn? Then... all right.

FIONA All right then, what?

VICTOR Let me read it. I'll see if it's all you say it is.

FIONA But your father-

VICTOR Is old and very ill -one reason I cannot let anyone into the house. I have all the authority necessary. I assume you brought your script?

FIONA Oh, yes!

SOUND SNAPS OPEN SHOULDERBAG, PULLS OUT SHEAF OF PAPERS.

FIONA Really, I'm a much better writer than I must sound like, from the way I talk. I just get really-

SOUND A COUPLE OF PAGES FLIP

VICTOR Come back in a couple of days. Saturday.

FIONA Oh, no! I've heard that one before. It's not so late, I'll wait while you read it. [BEAT] Besides, I need to borrow your phone to call a cab.

VICTOR [cold] I'm afraid you're doomed to disappointment on many levels, Miss Cross. I refuse to read on demand, and you cannot come in.

FIONA But it's miles to the nearest-

VICTOR You'd better start walking. I will see you on Saturday.

MUSIC TIME PASSES

SCENE 4

SOUND DOOR OPENS. CRACKLE OF WAXED PAPER.

VICTOR [warning] I am not going to--[surprised] What is that?

FIONA Lunch. You're not going to what?

VICTOR You brought -

FIONA If there's one thing that Hollywood taught me, it's come prepared for a siege. You're lucky I didn't have time to make pastrami and onion sandwiches, though they work a whole lot better in an office.

VICTOR Work... better?

FIONA Nothing like the chance you might stink up someone's office to motivate them to give you five minutes.

VICTOR [chuckles]

FIONA Want some?

VICTOR What? Oh, no -I've eaten.

FIONA [snort] Hospital food, I bet -all bland and toothless. It's always like that when someone in the house is sick.

VICTOR No, [sighs, then, resigned] no -if there's one thing Mason makes certain of, it's that the food is good.

FIONA That your butler? Or is he some kind of nurse?

VICTOR Some kind... um, something.

FIONA [bright, teasing] So, did you read it yet?

VICTOR There's hardly been time-

FIONA [Sweetly] Then why waste it talking to me?

VICTOR [sad] It's not something I get to do very often. Talking. To someone.

FIONA Read the script, and I promise I'll come back and talk up a storm.

SOUND DISTANT THUNDER

VICTOR [sigh, pause] Speaking of storms, it looks like rain. If you need to walk back to town, you'd best get started.

FIONA I'm a farm girl. We're built tough. And reasonably waterproof.

VICTOR [chuckle ruefully]

SOUND DOOR SHUTS.

MUSIC TIME PASSES

SCENE 5

SOUND CRICKETS, NIGHT SOUNDS, RAIN [a beat] DOOR OPENS

VICTOR Tsk. Do you know what time it is?

FIONA Judging from the position of the stars, what little I can see of them -my watch says about 9.

VICTOR [a beat, then] I read it.

FIONA [gasps, then tight] And?

VICTOR It's brilliant.

FIONA Really?

VICTOR Here's your release. My lawyer can validate it in the morning.

FIONA Oh! I could kiss you [SHE DOES]

VICTOR [shaken] I... Miss Cross...!

FIONA Fiona. You know, you really do look like your father. You're lucky. He was really something, back in the day. It's those eyes.

VICTOR Yes, I... [with emphasis] He...

SOUND CAR APPROACHES, STOPS.

VICTOR What? Who the devil--?

FIONA My cab. I arranged for it to pick me up at 9. Siege or not, I'm not sleeping on anyone's doorstep but my own. Thanks again!

SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.

FIONA [off] ...and if you're ever in town...!

VICTOR [yelling slightly] Of course...!

SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS

SOUND HOUSE DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN.

VICTOR [sadly to self] ...not.

SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS ACROSS THE PORCH.

MUSIC

SCENE 6

SOUND TENNIS, CROWD, IN BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT.

MARGIE So, they loved it. Did you write yourself a part?

FIONA What?

MARGIE Oh, come on-don't tell me you only aspire to be the pen and not the face?

FIONA I just enjoy writing. I'm in complete control of the world. Everyone in my story has to listen to me and do what I say.

MARGIE But acting is where the fame is.

FIONA Who wants fame?

VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 33, Court 1 is open.

MARGIE Are we getting close?

SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER

FIONA Should be next.

MARGIE So you're in it for the money?

FIONA No... I guess... I'm in it to ... to see it happen.

MARGIE [pause] Are you explaining or should I order another drink?

FIONA I want to see things from my imagination up there on the screen. I want to create something that people will remember.

MARGIE And you don't want to be famous or rich? You're nuts.

FIONA Rich would be OK, but famous just means you never get away. That must be why Mr. Malacard lives out in the country -to get away from the craziness.

MARGIE Craziness? In Hollywood? Perish the thought! [pause] So, can I have your part?

FIONA [laughs] There aren't really any good female roles in the House on the Peak.

MARGIE Will I sound hopelessly undereducated if I admit I've never actually seen this fabulous item?

FIONA You never--? Where did you grow up, a cave? I mean even in Piggottsville, it showed for three whole nights -and then each year near Halloween. I think the theater proprietress musta had a thing for Malacard.

MARGIE Spare me the down home gossip and tell me about this masterpiece.

FIONA Well, it's sort of modeled on this story by Edgar Allen Poe-

MARGIE Didja have to get permission from him, too?

FIONA Shush. He's been dead for -I dunno, a century? Besides, it's not really the same idea, just the tone. See, there's this guy who goes home after his father's death, to see his twin brother who he hasn't seen in years-

MARGIE Which one was your mysterious actor?

FIONA Oh, Victor Malacard played both brothers. It was groundbreaking at the time -using cutaways and doubles-

MARGIE Is this important?

FIONA [chuckles] I guess not. But the brother who'd been away was a man of the world, very caught up in business, and the one who stayed was a strange lonely man who talked to himself-

MARGIE [sarcastic] In a silent film, no less.

FIONA [agreeing] Malacard was a genius. They've got their eye on this new fellow -he was in that film, "Laura"-

MARGIE Stick to the point!

FIONA Tsk. So it turns out the house is alive, and must have a family member in residence or it will die. But the one who stayed would live forever, barring falling out of a window, which is what'd happened to their father.

MARGIE Foul play?

FIONA You got it -turns out one of the sons had killed dear old dad to take his place as head of the family, and live forever.

MARGIE Was it the creepy one?

VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 34, court 3 is open.

SOUND GLASS PUT DOWN, BAGS SNATCHED UP

FIONA I'll tell you whodunnit... but only if you beat me.

MUSIC

SCENE 7

SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS. FEET ON GRAVEL. FEET SLOW DOWN.

FIONA Oh. Hullo!

SOUND CAB DRIVES AWAY

VICTOR I heard you coming.

FIONA Oh, and here I thought old Igor your butler was a warlock or something.

VICTOR Mason is a lot of things, but--[pause] What's that? More scripts?

FIONA No, silly. It's a picnic.

VICTOR A what--?

FIONA Pic. Nic. Food to eat outside so as not to bother those inside whom shall not be named.

VICTOR But, you-

FIONA I promised I would talk up a storm, didn't I? If Hollywood taught me one thing, it's to keep my promises.

VICTOR Well. [bemused, but pleased] Very well, then.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. DOOR OPENS [OFF].

MASON [off] Sir?

VICTOR [calling] Don't worry, I'll stay where you can see me.

MASON [off] Very good, sir.

FIONA Wow, he sure keeps you on a short leash.

VICTOR [deep with meaning] So true.

FIONA Well, this looks good -and see, there's a window right there where your keeper can peep out and make sure nothing improper happens.

SOUND BLANKET SPREAD, THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF PICNIC BASKET

VICTOR [deep sigh]

FIONA [sincere] I do understand. My gramma raised me -she was from the old country, very wild Irish, and hospitals would never, never do. So when she took ill at the end, I had to look after her. And the farm. Just the two of us, right up til she passed.

VICTOR So being tired of the sticks, you came right out to Hollywood, no training wheels or anything?

FIONA Oh, I figure I'll go back someday -not to the farm, but to the country. Being down here -well, down there -is tough -there are so many people everywhere.

VICTOR Better than being lonely-

FIONA You can be lonely in a crowd just as easy as on a farm, and it's much noisier. The crowd, I mean.

VICTOR More material for your writing.

FIONA I don't agree. I figure growing up pretty much alone is why I have such a good imagination. Keeping myself occupied, making up folks to talk to.

VICTOR [moving in romantically] And you enjoyed my --my father's film so much that you decided to put words to it?

FIONA [slightly breathless] I... I didn't so much write them as sort of translate what he already said.

VICTOR [deep and husky] And very well too.

FIONA [gasp, deeply important] Before this goes any further, I have to say something.

VICTOR [snapping out of it] I--we--of course, we shouldn't-

FIONA Since the studio is picking up the cost of lunch, we have to talk business. I hope you don't mind.

VICTOR [vastly relieved, deep breath] Of course. Mm, that smells good. No pastrami and onions?

FIONA [laughing] No. [serious] See, the studio wants to know if we can add a girl -a romance -to the story. Seems everything just has to have a love interest these days.

VICTOR [sharp] A what?

FIONA And a happy ending. They don't want-

VICTOR No! Under no circumstances! They're not going to ruin my--[through gritted teeth] my... father's vision -with sentimental claptrap.

FIONA [teasing] Really? Sentimental claptrap is all the rage nowadays. [change of tone, satisfied] Good. That's what I thought, but they won't listen to me. Business over.

VICTOR But you-

FIONA Oh, don't get me wrong, I like romance as much as the next girl, but it would weaken the drama. Try a taste of this.

VICTOR Um, yes. [takes a bite] That's -mmm, that's delicious. The drama, you say? Have you been writing for very long?

FIONA This is my first script. That I've completed, anyway. I've got lots of ideas, but this one just sort of made me finish it. It's a bit of an obsession, I guess.

VICTOR You should write more. It was very good. [pause, then throaty] Maybe... romance... next time.

FIONA [oblivious] Maybe. I guess it's easier to write what you know, though.

VICTOR [still making his move] Really? No romance on the horizon, no beau back home on the farm?

FIONA [reacting, almost breathless] No -no one. I've ... never... not really, anyway... Oh. [long indrawn breath, then a teasing whisper] Your butler's watching us.

VICTOR [breaks away] Blast! I can't even--! [muttered growl] Look at him. [heavy sigh, then businesslike] This has been very pleasant, Miss Cross, but I must go-

SOUND GETS UP, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, MOVING QUICKLY

FIONA Hmph?

SOUND BITING A CARROT

MUSIC

SCENE 8

SOUND BUSY LUNCH COUNTER

MARGIE So do you make a habit of scaring off men?

FIONA Well -there was this boy back at Jefferson junior high ... No, I'm teasing. I've never had much of a chance to try -guess I'm just a natural.

MARGIE And he was circling in for the kill, ready to land a knockout, when-

FIONA The ref appeared and he threw in the towel. You don't usually think of grown men as needing a chaperone.

MARGIE Maybe he's old fashioned and is trying to look out for your reputation or something.

FIONA Old fashioned I would buy. He's got this courtly way about him...just like his father, at least the way he was on the screen. This sort of graceful way of moving that expresses so much.

MARGIE And what was he expressing just before the bell rang to call the match?

FIONA Well... [blushing] He wasn't afraid -I can say that for sure.

MUSIC

SCENE 9

SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL

VICTOR You found your way back?

FIONA The picnic was to thank you. Now I'm buttering you up in case I want to remake another one of your father's films.

VICTOR So what's in the bag this time? Dare I guess?

FIONA No, silly. It's a surprise. I figure, not leaving the house much, you don't get to have a lot of fun.

VICTOR My... father-

FIONA Exactly. So, I figured I'd bring the some to you.

VICTOR Fun?

FIONA I remembered you had a swimming pool.

VICTOR Pool? But--But there's no water-

FIONA And swimsuits don't clank.

SOUND CLANK OF SOMETHING METAL IN BAG

VICTOR Then, what--?

FIONA We-e-ell, can we go look at the pool?

VICTOR Uh--yes?

SOUND FEET ON GRASS

FIONA I hope you don't mind my coming up here like this. I'm just so exuberant. Or is that the right word?

VICTOR Well, you sound exuberant to me.

FIONA Aha, the pool. Oh, good, it's nice and clean.

VICTOR Mason sees to the grounds as well as the house.

FIONA So, here.

SOUND CLANK AS BAG IS SET DOWN, UNTYING OF KNOT

VICTOR I--I'm intrigued. What do you have there?

FIONA Keep in mind, I'm kind of unsophisticated, here. Another girl might have brought champagne or something. I hope this isn't too disappointing.

SOUND METAL CLANK

VICTOR I can't even tell what those are -I see metals and wheels, and-

FIONA Silly, it's roller skates!

MUSIC

SCENE 10

MARGIE Roller skates? You had a chance to romance a bigwig, and you took him roller skates?

FIONA The pool was perfect -I couldn't resist.

MARGIE And the two of you rolled around the bottom of the pool like children?

FIONA More or less. Well, mostly me. He was a bit too dignified to give it a fair shake.

MARGIE But you didn't roll around like grownups?

FIONA What?

MARGIE Nothing.

MUSIC

SCENE 11

SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL

FIONA Hello? [beat, then chuckles] Maybe he didn't see me coming, for once?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN LEAVES

FIONA Hello? How tragic. A perfectly good cab ride wasted. [worried] Maybe his father's not doing well.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MASON Miss?

FIONA Oh, gosh -sorry! I guess I kind of expected Vic to be around somewhere. He usually is.

MASON He's busy. Inside. [ominous] Would you like to come in?

FIONA Oh, Vic said it's-

MASON It's no problem. Really.

FIONA Sure. Thanks a lot.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL

FIONA I can always, go, you know. I don't want to be a bother.

MASON No bother. You're quite welcome here.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW A BIT ON THE WOODEN STAIRS

FIONA It'll be interesting to see inside.

VICTOR [distant] Fiona? Is that you?

SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH

VICTOR [angry, worried] What's going on? Mason? [beat] Fiona?

FIONA Just looking for you. Mason said you might be inside.

VICTOR [angry hiss] Inside? Get out of here, Fiona. Just go. We'll be talking about this, Mason.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS INTO GRAVEL

FIONA [puzzled] Victor?

VICTOR [whispered] I don't want you going in and... catching anything. Understand?

FIONA All right. Um, sorry?

VICTOR [cold] Goodbye. [up] Mason!

MUSIC

SCENE 12

GEORGE [very serious] Thank you for coming in, Miss Cross. We have a bit of a problem.

FIONA You couldn't get that actor, Price?

GEORGE More serious than that. [heavy pause] Mr. Malacard.

FIONA What happened? Is Vic's dad OK?

GEORGE Sorry, I meant the son. He rang up yesterday and said, well... said you've been pestering him.

FIONA [shocked] ...pestering?

GEORGE Yes. He said he'll pull the permission for the film if you bother him again.

FIONA [nearly in tears] B-but... I--He never said-

GEORGE [fatherly] Just lay off, at least until the film is finished. Once it's in distribution, you can pester him all you want.

FIONA Oh! [sobbing]

SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR BANGS OPEN.

MUSIC

SCENE 13

SOUND COCKTAIL LOUNGE, MANY ROWDY PEOPLE IN BACKGROUND

FIONA [very down] Pestering. That's what he said. Apparently. Vic couldn't even tell me to my face, [breaking down into tears] he had to send it through-

MARGIE There, there. [calls] Waiter! Bring another one. [half whispered] A double.

FIONA No. I really shouldn't. [moping again] I guess I deserve it -he didn't say I could come back, but... The picnic was NICE. Everything was nice. He was nice. Real nice. I thought.

MARGIE They all seem nice -say, you didn't let him ... have his wicked way with you, didja?

FIONA What? No! [melting] I mean, he almost kissed me at the picnic, but the butler was watching.

MARGIE That's it, then. The butler did it. Probably threatened to quit or something. Good help is a lot harder to find in this town than pretty girls. [lecturing] Most servants are just actors waiting to be discovered -they're just not very good, or they'd be able to act like servants.

FIONA [almost a laugh] Hmph.

MARGIE That's better. What you need is a night at a dance hall -meet some nice guys, wear yourself out, then you can sleep. I promise, all you'll be worrying about in the morning is your bunions.

MUSIC

SCENE 14

SOUND PERSISTENT CITY NIGHT NOISES.

SOUND PHONE RINGS, OFF [PAUSE] THEN POUNDING ON A DOOR

FIONA [waking] Yes? Mm-what?

LANDLADY [very annoyed] Phone for you.

MUSIC

SCENE 15

SOUND CAB PULLS UP, DOOR SLAMS, RUNNING FEET ON GRAVEL

FIONA [panting]

SOUND FEET RUN UP WOOD STAIRS, POUNDING ON DOOR

FIONA Hello? Hello?

SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN

MASON [very calm] Oh, good. Come in.

FIONA Mason? What happened? You said it was an emergency?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE UNDER

MASON This way, miss.

FIONA [getting more panicky] But, is Vic hurt? Did his father...? What could he --what could he want me here for?

MASON Through here.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MASON The master will be right in, Miss.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT.

FIONA [gasp, then yelling] You could at least turn on a light! [to herself] Which master? Maybe I'll finally-

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MASON [off] Just through here, sir.

SOUND RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS

MASON [off, condescending] I think this will help with your --mood, sir.

VICTOR [coming on] I can't think of anything worth getting me up in the middle of the--Fiona? [truly upset]

MASON [off, condescending] Now everything will be better.

FIONA Oh, Vic, I shouldn't have come. I'm so sorry! Please don't-

VICTOR Oh, no! No!

FIONA But Mason called me. He said-

VICTOR Mason! That filthy--!!

SOUND DOOR SLAM CUTS HIM OFF

FIONA What is it?

VICTOR We must get you out of here!

SOUND RUNNING FEET, POUNDING ON WINDOWS, TRYING TO GET THEM TO OPEN

FIONA I don't understand, Vic?

VICTOR Blast it Fiona, help me.

FIONA No. I want to know what's going on.

VICTOR Is this one of those things Hollywood taught you? Take a bad situation and make it worse?

FIONA No. Oh, here [grunt as she helps try and push] I wasn't going to ... to not help. I'm just confused.

VICTOR [grunt, then angry noise] No use, they're sealed.

FIONA They are glass. There must be a chair or something-

VICTOR It's never that easy -trust me. This way. Come on.

SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLAM AGAINST CLOSED DOOR

BOTH are getting BREATHLESS

FIONA Locked!

VICTOR Maybe down here!

SOUND MORE RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

FIONA Don't you know your own house?

VICTOR [harsh laugh] Don't slow down.

SOUND RUNNING, SCRAMBLE, RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR

FIONA Victor, wait!

VICTOR No! I will NOT let him get you!

SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR, BUT SLOWER

VICTOR [sobs] I won't let IT!

FIONA Victor. Breathe, Victor!

VICTOR I'm so sorry, Fiona. I don't understand why it brought you here.

FIONA It? Oh! [dawning] Um, I guess everyone agreed the story needed a bit of romance.

VICTOR What?

FIONA Your house. It's just like the film -or close to it -isn't it?

VICTOR How could you think--How could you know?

FIONA I told you I have a good imagination.

VICTOR But you-

FIONA And you're the one and only Victor Malacard.

VICTOR You're mad! I would have to be-

FIONA Almost 60. I looked it up. And you don't look a day over 35. Coincidentally, the age you were when you went into seclusion. You look like him, move like him -even the way your lips move when you talk -not even father and son can be THAT much alike.

VICTOR It's... the house.

FIONA And Mason?

VICTOR Mason's not a... person. Just part of it. The house. He... speaks for it.

FIONA And watches over you.

VICTOR Keeps me prisoner, you mean. [sadly] And now, you too. Fiona, I am so dreadfully-

FIONA Shh. [calling] Mason? I want to talk to you -whatever you are.

MASON [deep, on filter] Yes miss?

VICTOR [yelling] You let her go, you wretch!

FIONA Shh. Victor. It'll be fine.

VICTOR No...!

FIONA Yes. [SOUND -brief kiss] If there's one thing I learned in Hollywood, it's there's always room for negotiation. [calling, sweetly] Mason?

MUSIC, fades into-

SCENE 15

MUSIC 1960S BUBBLEGUM POP ON A TINNY RADIO, DISTANT, WITH BIRDS AND OUTDOOR NOISES.

SOUND MOTORCYCLE APPROACHES, STOPS

FIONA [coming on] Ah! Over here, Bobby! Oh! I was expecting-

ANDY Sorry! I'm Andy -Bobby retired.

FIONA [chuckles] It's so hard to keep track. Well, then, Andy. Do you have my packages?

SOUND LOADING UP WITH PACKAGES AS HE SPEAKS

ANDY Yup, packages from Woolworth's and Mays, a big bundle of magazines, and here's one from the studio -a film canister -gee do you have your own theater? That's way out there, man, I mean ma'am.

FIONA [chuckles] Just leave everything on the porch. The butler will see that it all gets inside in one piece. And here's my latest screenplay -hardly a fair trade, but an easier trip, eh? Get it to George -no, wait... I mean Harold, don't I? Harold Mills is in production these days, right?

SOUND SCRIPT CHANGES HANDS

ANDY Umm... [working up to say something] So you're Fiona Cross Malacard? The one who wrote Trapped by Love? That was a groovy flick, even if it is kind of ancient.

FIONA Well, thank you, Andy. [chuckles] I guess.

ANDY But you don't look--I mean, you're really much--oh, criminee. I mean to say-

FIONA You're trying not to say I must be older than I look?

ANDY Uh-huh.

FIONA I'll take the compliment. I put it down to clean country air, good healthy food...

VICTOR [way off] Fiona? Was that the deliveries?

FIONA ...and a wonderful husband.

ANDY Having servants don't hurt neither, eh?

FIONA [ironic] No -no, it don't.

MUSIC TO END

[mature language and violence]

Roy Chambers, self-proclaimed "artist of junk" becomes suspicious about the intricate work of another sculptor.

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

Roy Chambers - J.D. Lloyd Gwynneth Robinson Molly Tollefson Vivienne - Rhys TM Robert - Mr. Synyster Arturo - Philemon Vanderbeck Solange - Angela Kirby Penelope Cartwright - Kris Keppeler Hank Norton - Powers Chamber

19 Nocturne Theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) All other music by Professor Kliq (Creative Commons License) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an art gallery - can't you just smell the culture?"

_________________________________________________________

FOR ART'S SAKE

Cast:

Announcer

Cabbie

Olivia

Roy Chambers, artist of junk

Gwynneth Robinson, gallery owner

Robert [ro-BEAR], art critic

Vivienne, art critic

Arturo, sculptor

Solange, a supermodel

Hank Norton, grieving brother

Penelope Cartwright, psychic

Gordie, aspiring young critic

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an art gallery. Can't you just smell the culture?

SCENE 1

MUSIC - PRETENTIOUS GRUNGE/INDUSTRIAL, BUT LOW.

AMBIANCE LOW CROWD MUMBLE

ROBERT and VIVIENNE sound bored and disinterested - very, very jaded intellectual. They are sort of fencing with each other.

ROBERT It's so innovative, it's almost retro.

VIVIENNE Jejune, yet piquant.

ROBERT The raw power of the chain link simply draws the eye.

VIVIENNE The underlying metaphor behind the cracked concrete base is very telling.

ROBERT Trash cans have been overused this season.

VIVIENNE Which is precisely what this piece is trying to say. It is a commentary on the current state of the art world.

ROY That it's all garbage?

ROBERT [snort of derision] Garbage? Perhaps to the petty and feeble mind, incapable of looking beyond the component parts--

VIVIENNE --this one would look at a forest and see trees.

[ROBERT AND VIVIENNE chuckle.]

ROY Oh, I understand this piece just fine.

ROBERT Do you? Do you really?

VIVIENNE What, then, is this putty-like brown graffitti in its indecipherable scrawl?

ROBERT And that smell - it's almost visceral.

ROY It's crap.

ROBERT You'd best keep your voice down, dear fellow. The artist is a good friend of dear Gwynneth, our host tonight, and I hear he's actually graced us with his presence.

ROY No- no. It's actually feces. The graffitti. I'm Roy Chambers. The artist?

VIVIENNE F-feces? Excrement?

ROY Yup.

VIVIENNE B-but... doesn't it ... lose pungency after a time?

ROY Of course. I freshen it up every couple of days. I hope you don't mind if I don't shake hands.

A BEAT OF SHOCKED SILENCE, THEN

ROBERT Well, that does put a new [trailing off] face ...on ...it.

VIVIENNE Oh, look, they've opened the champagne.

SOUND HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY

ROY [chuckles]

GWYNNETH [sigh] Darling, you'll never sell anything if you keep telling people your work is shit.

ROY [laughs harder] You know that's not the point. I just love seeing the look in their eyes.

GWYNNETH Well, you may have the luxury of not needing to make your way as an artist, but I still need--

ROY I can always--

GWYNNETH [indignant] Write me a check? Not on your life, handsome. If I can't make it, I'll fail on my own two feet. [softening] But you can buy me dinner. Again.

ROY [chuckling] I wasn't going to suggest charity - but since I seem to be the one losing you sales on my pieces, you could let me pay rent for the space--

GWYNNETH I don't understand why you're so down on your art. [serious] It's good Roy. It's powerful. I wouldn't have it in my gallery otherwise... [rowr] no matter how terrific you are in bed.

ROY It makes me uncomfortable, like I'm ... exposing myself.

GWYNNETH That's what makes it so strong--

SCENE 2

SOUND A COMMOTION IN THE BACKGROUND - SOMEONE YELLING - GETS LOUDER AS GWYNNETH AND ROY APPROACH

GWYNNETH [muttering as she hustles] Oh, goodness, it's not the man enclosed in legos with his winkie hanging out again, is it?

ROY [right behind her] Maybe a critic's seeing eye dog got at the sculpture in baloney.

GWYNNETH Poor dog - that meat's been here a week.

ROY Either one.

SOUND COMMOTION HAS ENDED - JUST HEAVY BREATHING FROM A COUPLE OF GUYS

GWYNNETH [authoritative] What is going on?

ARTURO This ...person... was ...molesting... my statue.

ROY [muttered] Is it the baloney?

GWYNNETH [muttered] No.

ROY [muttered] The winkie?

GWYNNETH [muttered] Shh.

ARTURO I demand charges be filed.

HANK I was only--

ARTURO No one cares what you were trying to do, you philistine!

GWYNNETH Arturo.

ARTURO Luddite! Peon!

GWYNNETH Arturo! Please, calm down. I promise I shall handle this personally.

ARTURO [going off] Just make sure he keeps his filthy hands off my beautiful marbles.

ROY [muttered] Maybe his marbles should meet lego man's winkie.

GWYNNETH [trying not to laugh] Ahem. Now, sir, I'm Miss Robinson - and this is my gallery. And you are?

HANK [subdued, apologetic, aw shucks] Hank - Henry, that is - Norton.

GWYNNETH What were you doing, then?

HANK The statue - it looks like Lizzie - Elizabeth - my sister. Just like her.

ROY That not what she asked.

HANK Well, I was thinking it might be like that old movie where the guy kills people, puts them in plaster and gets famous for his art... Lizzie's missing, ever since she wrote and said she had a job modeling for this guy. So I wanted to... check and see...

GWYNNETH [gentle] I don't know the movie, Hank, but I'm pretty sure you can't put someone in marble the way you might with plaster. It simply doesn't work that way.

HANK No?

GWYNNETH No.

ROY Hank, let's get us a glass of that champagne.

GWYNNETH [stage whisper] Thank you!

SOUND QUICK KISS

SCENE 3

MUSIC A LITTLE TIME PASSES

SOUND EXCITED COMMOTION, CAMERAS

GWYNNETH Oh, god, what is it this time?

ROBERT [in awe] It's Solange. She's here!

VIVIENNE [going off] If I were only into women...

ROBERT [going off] Me too...

GWYNNETH [sigh, then clearly trying to convince herself] It's good. Publicity. I like supermodels.

ROY [coming on] Who--?

GWYNNETH Solange is the latest sensation. So bloody skinny.

ROY Better keep her away from the baloney.

GWYNNETH [slightly venomous] It would do her good.

ROY I didn't mean her - just the dog.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS AND JINGLE OF DOG HARNESS APPROACH

GWYNNETH Solange, I am honored.

SOLANGE [strange accent] Ah? Sorree, and you are?

GWYNNETH I'm Gwynneth Robinson. This is my gallery. We are truly--

SOLANGE Where ees Arturo?

GWYNNETH Right over there.

SOLANGE Take mee to heem, pleez.

SOUND JINGLE OF DOG'S HARNESS, SCRABBLE OF CLAWS ON FLOOR.

GWYNNETH My pleasure. My arm is just to your right. Would you like something to drink? [fading out] Perhaps some water for your service animal?

ROY Is that the latest thing - blind models?

VIVIENNE 'Differently abled' darling. You could get sued --

ROBERT Or at least censured.

VIVIENNE --for use of non-PC language.

ROBERT Besides, with a body like that, who cares if she can see? And the dark glasses are her trademark - she's never seen without them.

ROY Hmm. You two seem like just the type I need.

VIVIENNE I don't do threesomes.

ROBERT I do.

ROY No, no - not like that, but [buttering up] you really seem to be in the know...

VIVIENNE Of course.

ROBERT Pity.

ROY This Arturo guy - what can you tell me about him?

VIVIENNE Quid pro quo, dear friend - tell us about you first.

ROY Well... It's brownie mix - the brown stuff.

ROBERT Re-e-e-eally...?

SCENE 4

MUSIC

SOUND CLUNK OF OVERHEAD LIGHTS GOING OFF

GWYNNETH [coming on, low and sultry] So. The lights are off. The crowd is gone. And the door is locked against the night. You know what that means?

ROY Hmm?

GWYNNETH Come on, love. I need some serious stress relief.

ROY In a moment.

GWYNNETH What is so fascinating about these things? First that poor little man - now you?

ROY Have you really looked at them?

GWYNNETH Dearest, I don't really look at anything that goes in here, beyond deciding if I think it will sell. That way lies sheer madness.

ROY How did legoman get in?

GWYNNETH Oh, that. [sigh] I'm still not certain about that one.

ROY Anyway, these statues - I don't know anything about marble sculpting, but I would assume it's not the easiest thing in the world, even with modern technology.

GWYNNETH I suppose.

ROY Look at the detail here. The clothes, hair - rivets in the jeans, even. Everything is exact. Perfect.

GWYNNETH So he's anal. Surely you're not thinking that Arturo whats-his-name has somehow immured people in marble.

ROY Nah. But I can see Hank's point. His sister's statue looks - almost alive. And she's not happy about it.

MUSIC

SCENE 5

AMBIANCE RESTAURANT

GWYNNETH Where were you? I really could have used you at the gallery tonight.

ROY Why? What happened?

GWYNNETH I asked you first.

ROY [sigh] I-I was trying to find that artist - the one with the statues.

GWYNNETH And--?

ROY He's harder to track down than ... than me.

GWYNNETH [laughs] Perhaps he's another eccentric with more money than sense.

ROY Hey--! I thought that was part of my charm.

GWYNNETH No. I love you. But I don't make any claim to understand you. You don't even like your own art.

ROY [slightly uncomfortable] It just comes out that way.

SOUND A MOMENT OF EATING

GWYNNETH [unpleasantly surprised] Oh god! Don't look. It's her. Just act normal.

ROY What? Who am I not looking at?

GWYNNETH The commotion. I mean the woman who caused the-

PENELOPE [off] Hello!

ROY I think she's seen you.

GWYNNETH Oh, god.

ROY Is there anything I should know before she gets here?

GWYNNETH I'm going to be a coward and duck out for the loo.

ROY About her, I mean. [beat] You've got a moment, the maitre d' has her in a headlock.

GWYNNETH [laugh] She claims to be a psychic and made a fuss over Arturo's marbles. God, I'm seriously regretting ever taking them on.

ROY Why did you? I mean, looking at his stuff, he could be showcased in the biggest gallery in town, and- [trails off uncertainly]

GWYNNETH Rather than a piddling little upstart like mine? Oh, hell- See you!

SOUND GETS UP FROM CHAIR, DASHES AWAY

ROY Chicken.

PENELOPE [slightly off] Miss Robinson!

SOUND CHAIR SCRAPES

ROY She'll be right back.

PENELOPE [coming on] Oh. I'm so sorry - I didn't mean to interrupt - are you - you're her beau, aren't you?

ROY I'm her boyfriend, yeah.

SOUND CHAIR SCRAPES, SHE SITS DOWN

PENELOPE I could tell the moment I really looked at you.

ROY [giving her nothing] Ah. Well.

PENELOPE Oh, I'm so sorry. She probably mentioned me, I'm Penelope Cartwright. [confidential] I'm a certified psychic.

ROY Oh. Well.

PENELOPE Oh-ho! I can tell you're a disbeliever, Mr. -?

ROY Don't you know? You're the psychic.

PENELOPE [laughs] It's not like that, handsome. Well, sometimes it is. Let me see, let me see. Hmm. I'm feeling the letter T. Can I see your hands?

ROY [over-eager] T? As in Thomas?

PENELOPE [pleased] Aha! Your palm? There. You work with your hands, are you in construction?

ROY [noncommital] Mm.

PENELOPE But there's something else - your money line is a bit baffling. Very strong - not what I usually see in someone doing manual work. And something about cats... [Surprised as he snatches his hand away] What??

ROY Look, Miss Cartwright. You've been right about one thing - and only one thing - I'm a skeptic.

PENELOPE But, I--

ROY But, nothing. I think you'd better go before I feel like embarrassing you in front of Miss Robinson.

PENELOPE Please--

ROY Go.

PENELOPE [beat] Very well. [intense] But you need to hear this-- [before he can speak] No! I have to say it, and if you won't let me wait to tell her, then you have to hear it.

ROY Fine. Whatever. Quickly.

PENELOPE The statues - there's something very wrong with them - worse even than that painful installation near the front door with the brown stuff- I just walked past, and they shouted to me - screamed for help - as if they were alive!

ROY Right.

PENELOPE You don't have to believe, but you must hear me. I felt such evil in the presence of those poor dear things.

ROY [very sarcastic] They're... evil statues?

PENELOPE Oh, no. They're evil's victims.

SCENE 6

MUSIC

AMBIANCE STREET

GWYNNETH I can't believe she would do that! You're such a saint to put up with everything.

ROY Saint? No. Just amused by people. Probably why I like the gallery scene - art folk are hilarious.

GWYNNETH Like Vivienne and Robert?

ROY Who?

GWYNNETH You were talking to them at the gallery last week - after that young man made the fuss over the statues.

ROY Oh. Bert and Ernie.

GWYNNETH Vivienne IS a female. I've known her for years.

ROY The way they dress, who could tell? And who would care?

GWYNNETH Dare I ask what 'the statue whisperer' had to say?

ROY She said they were crying out for help, blah blah blah.

GWYNNETH Oh, good, now we have two loonies who believe the statues are somehow alive.

ROY Oh, and she apparently hates my work too.

GWYNNETH [joking] Well. Then she must be normal.

MUSIC

SCENE 7

SOUND HEAVY DOOR OPENING

ROY [echoey] Hello?

SOUND ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, SECOND HEAVY DOOR OPENING

ROY Hello? I know you're in here.

ARTURO [distant sigh, then, off] Come on, then - to the left.

SOUND HESITANT ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, ANOTHER HEAVY DOOR

ROY Isn't it a bit dark in here for a studio?

ARTURO [still distant] You want light?

SOUND LOUD RUSTLE OF CANVAS, as a heavy curtain swoops to the side.

ROY [reacts to sudden brightness] Jeez! Good thing I'm not a vampire.

ARTURO [close] You come to steal my secrets?

ROY [jumps, then laughs] Not my style. I sculpt from garbage.

ARTURO [disdainful] Yes. I have noticed. So why?

ROY You interest me.

ARTURO I thought you were sleeping with our blonde gallery owner.

ROY Um, and you're seeing the supermodel. So?

ARTURO Not that kind of interest?

ROY [reacts, then] Not very sociable, eh?

ARTURO Hmm. Perhaps that is why my place here is unlisted and no one visits me. You have explained a lot. Feel free to leave.

ROY [beat] I don't see any materials - working on anything?

ARTURO I am planning. I don't sculpt here. It is much too noisy.

ROY The sculpting?

ARTURO The city. [beat] And the work.

ROY Your work is very detailed. Do you model from life or photos?

ARTURO [a bit odd] From life.

ROY How do you find your models?

ARTURO Anyone can be a model. [a bit threatening] Perhaps I should ... immortalize ... you?

ROY I'm not that cute.

ARTURO [uncomfortably close] You don't see yourself clearly. You're a perfect type - strong, but not silent. Yet--

SOUND CELLPHONE RINGS

ROY That's me. Sorry.

SOUND CELLPHONE ON

ROY 'lo? Yeah, I'm there now. No, won't be long.

SOUND CELLPHONE HANGS UP, TURNS OFF

ROY Sorry about that.

ARTURO [backed off] Of course. You are interested in my work - My next major project is a woman. That is all you will know. Now leave me.

SCENE 8

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, COMPUTER NOISES

ROY I've been doing some googling--

GWYNNETH [slightly off] You don't even look up. I could be anyone. A serial killer?

ROY Reflection in the screen.

GWYNNETH [close up] Oh, well, then. [hug and kiss noise] So what have you been googling?

ROY Turning people to stone.

GWYNNETH [sigh] Oh god, not Arturo again?

ROY He creeped me out. I'm not sure if he was about to kiss me or stab me. And when he said his next project was a woman - all I could think about was that poor blind girl.

GWYNNETH Yes. [mock sympathy] Poor little skinny bitch blind supermodel.

ROY Right. So, disregarding the E-L-O song, there are myths all over the place about people being turned to stone. Gorgons, Basilisks--

GWYNNETH Medusa--

ROY --yeah, gorgons--

GWYNNETH What?

ROY Medusa's a gorgon. Like Dracula's a vampire.

GWYNNETH Fine, so I slept through my classical education. What have you come up with, then?

ROY Disregarding the mythological crap, then, there are a number of fictional stories dealing with it.

GWYNNETH Why disregard the mythical crap?

ROY Right. Have you seen any women wandering around New York with snakes for hair? Or a giant lizard?

GWYNNETH Hmm. [shrug] It is New York. So you lean towards fiction as being more reliable?

ROY When you put it that way...

GWYNNETH What's the front runner, then?

ROY [very serious] Some sort of alchemical process or machine that changes flesh to stone. [laughs] But it's still nuts.

SOUND LAST COUPLE OF KEYS BEING HIT

GWYNNETH If you're so creeped out by him, perhaps I should send him on his way.

ROY Nah.

GWYNNETH Good. He sells. [teasing] Unlike some...

ROY Most of your art crowd creeps me out. A little.

GWYNNETH And me--?

ROY Definitely. [chuckle] Not.

SOUND SMOOCHING

SCENE 9

MUSIC

GWYNNETH [talking on phone] --shipped out first thing. Crating and handling will be fairly expensive-- [some talk] --very heavy, yes.

SOUND TAP ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS QUIETLY

GWYNNETH [covers phone, whispers] just a second. [back to phone] I'll email you the invoice, and that should go out this afternoon.

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP

GWYNNETH Can I help you?

VIVIENNE I hate to bother you, but-- [deep breath]

GWYNNETH Nonsense. Have a seat.

SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS

VIVIENNE Could you perhaps see your way to telling me how to find that sculptor? The one who does the truly amazing marble statues?

GWYNNETH [muttered] Not another one.

VIVIENNE Huh? You see, Robert-- that fellow asked him to model, and being the narcissist that he is, he was entirely unable to refuse--

GWYNNETH Oh. Um, I might be able to--

VIVIENNE I don't want to make any trouble, but his partner, you know, blames me--

SCENE A1

MUSIC

AMBIANCE NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

ROY Hello?

PENELOPE [off, musical] Just a moment!

SOUND RATTLE OF BEAD CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS

PENELOPE [over the top] Welcome to-- [tone change] oh, it's you. Come to sneer?

ROY [soft laugh] No. I wanted to ask you a few questions.

PENELOPE You saw my sign - it's all entertainment.

ROY It also said this--

SOUND SLAP OF MONEY ON TABLE

ROY --buys me an hour of your time.

PENELOPE [sigh] It's your dime.

SOUND MONEY SNATCHED UP

PENELOPE One of many, if I recall your money line.

ROY I want to know what put you onto the statues. Did a guy named Hank Norton hire you?

PENELOPE Hire? You think I've been paid--

ROY Were you?

PENELOPE [sigh] Yeah, I really love making an ass of myself in public. Tscha. If I was that much of a masochist, I'd'a taken up mime. You may not believe it, but I truly felt something in there.

ROY Screaming?

PENELOPE It's not that specific. I have to exaggerate - to translate - when I tell people about my "feelings." They only want to believe things they can relate to. I felt ... unease. Fear. [sigh] A definite flavor of more than one mind.

ROY You were in a crowded gallery.

PENELOPE More than one mind in distress. Since then- [breaks off]

ROY Yes?

PENELOPE Can you do me a huge favor?

ROY Maybe.

PENELOPE Can you try to hold your laughter until you're back out on the street?

ROY I think so.

PENELOPE I've been having dreams.

ROY [snort]

PENELOPE [warning noise] I couldn't move. And I couldn't feel anything - but I could see. I could even hear. And be afraid. It was - fear was the biggest part of it. [beat] You seem to be with me so far--

ROY Yes.

PENELOPE Well, here's where I'll lose you. I don't usually feel things in words, but in flavors, and colors, and textures.

ROY Like auras?

PENELOPE No. It's - like with you, I taste brick and brown, and smell the tang of old wires.

ROY [uneasy] Whatever. Get on with it.

PENELOPE The feeling in my dream - the flavor of it, if you will - was identical to what I felt at the gallery.

SCENE a2

MUSIC

ROY [off, calling] Gwyn?

VIVIENNE [muffled] Eh?

ROY [coming on] Gwyn? [muttered] Oh, it's Bert. Or Ernie.

VIVIENNE Hmm? She's out. Asked me to run some numbers for her. You didn't realize I have skills beyond those of mere mortal critics?

ROY [snarky] You'd have to.

VIVIENNE Look. Maybe you can help me - Gwyn seems to put a lot of faith in you, despite your obvious attitude problems.

ROY [snort]

VIVIENNE Robert - you recall Robert? Well, he's gone missing, ever since agreeing to model for Arturo, and I don't know what to--

ROY He probably just went off with someone.

VIVIENNE He wouldn't--

ROY And you're such a judge?

VIVIENNE I know Robert--

ROY I thought he was into guys.

VIVIENNE [really mad] That does not make him a slut who would run off without a word.

ROY [backing down a bit] Ok, fine. You know your friend. But everyone has a dark side.

VIVIENNE True. [quick, stabbing] Why do you hate yourself?

ROY What? What are you, a shrink?

VIVIENNE There's a lot of psychology in art. Your work says a great deal about you. Self loathing fairly screams from every line.

ROY [still trying to brush her off, but with an edge] Maybe why it doesn't sell.

VIVIENNE I didn't say it wasn't brilliant - it is. It's much too powerful for most people. They see what you show them, but don't know how to handle it.

ROY You should meet that psychic. You'll get on like a house on fire.

VIVIENNE Marines?

ROY [sharp] What?

VIVIENNE Special forces? You either saw action or spent a lot of time in prison. You don't have the stance of an abused child.

ROY Look lady--

VIVIENNE Or the tats of a career criminal--

ROY Shut up!

VIVIENNE Those are the main ways to reach such a depth of hatred for yourself--

SOUND A COUPLE OF QUICK FOOTSTEPS

ROY [close] Is there a point to this?

VIVIENNE [not backing down] I needed to show you I understand people. You. Gwynneth. And Robert. And he wouldn't go off and leave Gregoire without a word like that.

ROY Ok, I believe you. Get the fuck out.

VIVIENNE First, tell me how to find Arturo. If you don't care what happened to Robert, I do.

ROY What makes you think I know how to find him? [beat] All right.

SOUND SCRIBBLING, PAPER TEARS

ROY Here.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, THEN STOP

VIVIENNE [slightly off] She doesn't care, you know.

ROY [tries not to respond, then] What?

VIVIENNE Gwynneth. She knows you, and for some reason she still loves you.

SCENE a3

MUSIC

GWYNNETH She really said--?

ROY [uncertain] She was full of it.

GWYNNETH Well, if that looney's psych-ee sense is right, and they are cursed, at least they're not my problem - all six of them have sold for huge amounts, and I've a list of commission requests as long as my arm to pass on to Arturo as soon as he gets back in contact.

ROY Have you checked out his so-called studio?

GWYNNETH He never told me where it is.

ROY I was there.

GWYNNETH You beast!

ROY I guess I forgot to mention it. Money does have some privileges.

SCENE a4

MUSIC

SOUND STEALTHY FEET. EVERYTHING ECHOES SLIGHTLY

GWYNNETH [whispered] This is madness.

ROY You're the one who spotted Vivienne's car.

GWYNNETH Doesn't mean we needed to break in.

ROY It was unlocked. No breaking.

SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED

ROY Stay back, someone's--

SOUND FEET ARE CLEAR

VIVIENNE [panting, then gasps in muffled terror]

SOUND FEET COME TO AN ABRUPT STOP

GWYNNETH Viv?

VIVIENNE [gasping, trying to calm down] We need to get out of here - call the police!

GWYNNETH What? Why?

VIVIENNE It's Robert! A statue! There's no way he could have carved so fast--

SOLANGE [far off scream]

VIVIENNE [gasp] He's doing something terrible to her, too--!

ROY You get out of here - I'll see what I can do--

GWYNNETH Yes, get going.

SCENE a5

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR

ROY [to Gwyn] You too.

GWYNNETH Nonsense. You stop him, I'll help her--

SOUND THEIR SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS

ARTURO [off, calling] You think you can get away? Darling? If you hide, it just makes me angry.

GWYNNETH We can at least see what's coming at us.

ROY That's not always a good thing.

SOUND DISTANT DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN

ARTURO [off] Here? No?

GWYNNETH I plan to stare death in the face and spit in its--

SOLANGE [off, whimper]

GWYNNETH Shh! Did you hear that?

ROY [moving off] Over here—

SOUND CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS

SOLANGE [gasp] Who ees thees?

GWYNNETH It's all right. We'll get you out. Feel my hand?

ROY He's getting closer.

GWYNNETH I've got her. Up you come.

ROY We need to move.

SOLANGE Are wee neer zee door say ehkseet?

GWYNNETH Exit? [looking around] Oh, yes – there. Come on.

SOUND CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS, DOOR QUIETLY OPENS, THEN STARTS TO CLOSE BEHIND THEM

GWYNNETH Roy?

ROY Get her out of here. I'm going to stop Arturo.

GWYNNETH Roy!

SOUND GRAB, RUSTLE, KISS

ROY Get clear.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

SCENE a6

SOUND QUIET CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS

ARTURO [off, calling] Come out, come out?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, OFF

SOUND ROY'S FOOTSTEPS STOP

ARTURO [Getting closer] There is no place to run to—

SOUND A's FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

ARTURO Don't make this any more difficult--

SOUND SCUFFLE. GRUNTS. BODY FALLS

ROY [whispering, close, puffing a little] Not difficult at all. [chuckle]

SOUND HANDCUFFS RATCHET, SLAP SHUT

ARTURO [puffing, hard to breathe] And Solange?

ROY Out of your reach.

ARTURO [wheezy evil chuckle] In reach of your young lady, though. [laughs again]

ROY What?

ARTURO Don't worry - you still can get away.

ROY [dawns on him] Shit!

SOUND BODY DRAGS, DOOR OPENS

ROY [Grunt as he shoves Arturo into a closet]

SCENE a7

SOUND DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS, HURRIED FOOTSTEPS

ROY [edge of panic] Gwyn? You here?

GWYNNETH [muffled gasp of pain, distant]

SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

ROY Where are you?

SOLANGE [off, too sweetly] Over heere.

SOUND BANKS OF LIGHTS COME ON, ONE AT A TIME

SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW, CAUTIOUS

ROY You can't hide in the light—

SOLANGE [closer] I 'ave no weesh to. I hwant you to see—

GWYNNETH [off] Roy! Get out! Get the police! Don't— [breaks off with a long gasp]

SOLANGE [off] Are hyou zee hero? Cohm and geet her. Hyou might steel sehv her.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP

ROY [very sotto] Shit. [up] I've got Arturo – let's make a trade.

SOLANGE Heez a tool. I can find anozzer.

ROY What? You--?

SOLANGE [disparaging] Zee great arteest. A mere saylzman. He is un‑eemportant. Come out and aye weel no hert her more.

GWYNNETH [gasp] Get out, Roy— [ends in a hiccup of pain]

ROY Gwyn, whatever you do, keep your eyes shut – can you do that?

GWYNNETH [fights to make an affirmative sound]

SOLANGE So you Zink you noh somezeeng? Come clozer, man. [kissing noise, like summoning a dog] I could reemov her eyeleedz, you know. It is chust zo – barbareec.

GWYNNETH [High squeal]

ROY Why? I mean, why do it? What are you?

SOLANGE Stop moveeng! Hwonce, we wayr feered and worshipp-ed.

GWYNNETH [gaspy] So now you're a supermodel - what's the diff-- [gasp]

SOLANGE Hyou ask why I turn peepul to stone?

ROY [muttered] Just a bit closer. [up] Yeah, what's the deal?

SOLANGE Chust for the look on zayr face! [laughs merrily, then gasps] Ow!

SOUND SCUFFLE, THEN QUICK FEET

SOLANGE You Beech! You BEET mee!

GWYNNETH Come on!

SOUND RUNNING FEET

SOLANGE [going off] You cannot geet away!

SCENE a8

SOUND FOOTSTEPS RUNNING MADLY, SLAM THROUGH SEVERAL SETS OF DOORS, FOOTSTEPS STOP

BOTH [breathing hard, Gwynneth gasping a bit in pain]

ROY Sorry.

GWYNNETH Let's get out, then you can apologize all over me.

ROY [chuckle]

SOUND HIT BAR ON NEXT DOOR. IT WON'T MOVE.

ROY Shit!

SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR, TRYING TO MAKE IT OPEN

SOUND BEHIND THEM, A DISTANT SET OF DOORS SLAMS OPEN

ROY Shit!!

GWYNNETH What is it?

ROY She's a gorgon – medusa. That's why she always wears the shades- Whatever you do, don't look in her eyes.

SOUND ANOTHER DISTANT SET OF DOORS

SOUND PUSHING ON THE NEAR DOOR. NO LUCK

ROY [almost giving up] shit.

GWYNNETH [strangely calm] We're trapped?

ROY She did it. Just like this. Hunted them down and caught them - no wonder they all look so damn scared.

GWYNNETH Well... [gasp] hold me? At least that way, we end up a statue together.

ROY [chuckle dissolves into gasping sob]

SOUND LAST DOOR BUT ONE SLAMS OPEN. FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD COMING CLOSER

ROY [deep breath] Do you trust me?

GWYNNETH Of course. I love you.

ROY I – I love you, too.

GWYNNETH I know. I –

SOUND LAST DOOR SLAMS OPEN. SLOW OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS, SLITHERY NOISES ACCOMPANY HER ARRIVAL

GWYNNETH [Scream of agony]

SCENE a9

MUSIC

AMBIANCE GALLERY. BUZZ. MUSIC.

GORDIE Is that the owner? Seems funny to run a gallery, being blind and all.

VIVIENNE [sounding older, wiser] She trusts my judgment.

GORDIE Was she born blind?

VIVIENNE Oh, no – there's a tragic story there.

GORDIE Do tell!

VIVIENNE Some years back, our dear hostess was madly in love – you've seen the statue in the corner near her office?

GORDIE That fabulous marble of the hunk? Sylvester said it was the last piece Arturo ever sculpted.

VIVIENNE The – model – for that was the man she loved.

GORDIE [a little bitchy] Oh, how sweet, and she keeps it to remind her of him?

VIVIENNE He was the one who put her eyes out.

END

Gamers on their way to a convention run afoul of violent criminals on the run. Can they use their "skillz" to survive?

[warning - some violence, language, and mature situations]

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Abby - Beverly Poole Mark - Brian Lomatewama Justin - Mathias Rebne Morgan Brianna - Lyndsey Thomas Tyler - Michael Faigenblum Clark - Brandon O'Brien News Report - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Man - Bill Hollweg

Music of DARKEST OF THE HILLSIDE THICKETS! used with permission

Show theme and Incidental Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a van on a road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?"

_______________________________________

EXIT STRATEGY

Cast:

Mark - Game Master, in a wheelchair

Abby - strategy girl

Justin - the driver, Mark's brother

Brianna - nurse, dating Tyler

Tyler - wiry LARPer, dating Brianna

Clark - a criminal

Thug - another criminal

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a car on a stretch of road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND INSIDE CAR NOISES

SOUND Music plays on the radio

SOUND "BING" FROM THE DASHBOARD

SOUND Justin turns down the stereo

JUSTIN We're riding E. [up] Eyes peeled for a gas station, everybody!

MARK Hey, Justin, remember when it used to be sooo cool to cross the state line?

JUSTIN Yeah - some things just lose their charm as you get older, little bro.

MARK And can drink legally in your own state...

ABBY Don't drink and game. It dulls your edge.

JUSTIN You've got enough edge for all of us, Abby.

BRIANNA [slightly off, giggles] I would too.

TYLER [slightly off] That is so great. You are so great.

ABBY You do realize we can hear you?

JUSTIN Keep it clean back there. I'll lose my damage deposit on the van if it comes back stained.

BRIANNA Ew! We were just--

TYLER [defiant] I was just telling Bree that if she ever got possessed by a demon, I would totally kill her.

BRIANNA [squeaky] Isn't that sweet?

ABBY [baffled] Yeah. [whispered] What do you think brought on this declaration of undying love?

JUSTIN Tyler brought his DVD player. I think they're watching Evil Dead.

ABBY Oh. [that explains it]

MARK You guys are all going to help with the "Super Five" tournament, right? I can count on you?

ABBY Well--

MARK Well?

ABBY [hesitant] I was checking, and the final round of the "AfterBlast" championship is in the same time slot.

MARK [excited] You really think you have a chance?

ABBY Hell yeah. I plan to kick ass and take names.

MARK That rocks.

JUSTIN I-- I noticed you were the only - um -

ABBY Discernibly female?

JUSTIN Yeah, that - name on the semi-finals roster.

ABBY Yup. Time to represent.

MUSIC

JUSTIN Pit stop!

MARK Man, you are this close to losing your deposit.

JUSTIN Shit. Your chair's packed!

BRIANNA I got you, Mark.

SOUND DOOR SLIDES OPEN, SHIFTING SOUNDS AS SHE GETS OUT

SOUND FRONT DOOR OPENS

BRIANNA Come on, then.

TYLER [teasing, going off] No groping my girl, now.

MARK Hey! My hand slipped. Once.

BRIANNA Girl. [snort] I am a woman. [grunts as she gets Mark on her back] OK, hold on. Tyler, got the door?

TYLER [off] Getting it!

SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE

SOUND DOOR OPENS. MEN'S ROOM

SOUND FLUSH, STALL DOOR OPENS

MAN Hey! You can't be in here!

BRIANNA Puh-lease. I'm a nurse. Almost. [sarcastic] And you should get that looked at.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE NIGHTTIME ROAD, VERY QUIET

MUSIC VERY QUIET ON THE STEREO

JUSTIN [quiet] Hey Abby?

ABBY [quiet, tired] Hmm?

JUSTIN Just wanted to see if you're awake.

ABBY Really? Nice of you to check.

JUSTIN Well... I'm not sure how much farther it is to the motel, and I was starting to fade a bit. Help keep me on the road?

ABBY [half yawning] Sure. What's on your mind?

JUSTIN Any chance you and I - you know - sometime?

ABBY [half a laugh] I've sworn a blood oath not to date any man who can't beat me in a fair game of AfterBlast.

JUSTIN Really?

ABBY Something like that. No offense, OK? You're nice. But we're kind of different worlds.

JUSTIN I used to game--

ABBY Used to. You traded in your dice for the corporate world.

JUSTIN It's not that bad-- [sudden change] Whoah.

ABBY What?

JUSTIN Nothing. Just - there's headlights behind us. They weren't there a minute ago.

ABBY Must have come round a corner.

SOUND CREAK, TURN

ABBY [turned to look] Hmm. How fast are we going?

JUSTIN Why?

ABBY They're catching up. Should I wake everybody?

JUSTIN Well... if there's a crash, they're better off asleep. Relaxed. It's a fact - why drunks walk away more often--

ABBY It's still coming. Can we get off the road?

JUSTIN There just isn't any place to go! The ditches are ... gaping black chasms!

ABBY What's our speed?

JUSTIN Seventy. So far.

SOUND GROWLING ROAR, GETTING CLOSER

ABBY How much can you push a minivan?

JUSTIN Don't know. It's a rental.

ABBY All right. [thinking] Turn off the headlights.

JUSTIN What?

ABBY There's a good moon - the road is straight as far as I can see right now - can you hold the wheel straight while you're blinded?

SOUND ROARING REVVING APPROACHES

JUSTIN I... guess-- yes.

SOUND HEADLIGHTS TURN OFF

JUSTIN [heavy breathing]

ABBY Once our eyes adjust, we can look for a turnoff - in the dark, with the headlights, we won't see it until it's too late.

JUSTIN Does that work?

ABBY I don't know. Yes! There, to the left, a road.

JUSTIN We're going too fast!

ABBY Start the turn early, and run in at an angle. It should work.

MARK [half asleep] Yeah, the roll factors are considerably less--

JUSTIN Roll factors?

MARK "Street Wars," core manual. The turn gauge modifiers.

JUSTIN Whatever, here we go!

SOUND SCREECH

MUSIC

AMBIANCE OUTSIDE

SOUND TICKING OF THE ENGINE

MARK I'm suitably impressed.

JUSTIN Thanks. Me too.

ABBY It worked!

JUSTIN A flat tire--

ABBY Just one.

MARK --is not bad, all things considered.

ABBY [encouraging] Besides you missed the ditch, and the car didn't even flip.

MUSIC

SOUND ON THE ROAD AGAIN

TYLER Doesn't this whole thing remind anyone of a movie?

JUSTIN Movie? What, Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

ABBY Wo! We do have the right carload for leatherface.

MARK Hey, Justin, don't pick up any strangers, kay? I don't wanna be the first to die.

TYLER No.... OK, think. A brother and sister in a car, in the middle of nowhere--

BRIANNA [helping] In the middle of the day--

TYLER Run off the road by a huge spooky truck--? Hmm?

MARK That wasn't a truck.

ABBY It wasn't?

MARK While you guys were watching the road, I watched it go by - It was big and square--

TYLER A truck.

MARK No. Better than that - I saw words on the side.

BRIANNA A truck?

MARK [sigh] Nope. I must have made a perfect success on my perception roll, though - it was an armored car.

JUSTIN In the middle of the night? In the middle of nowhere?

ABBY Radio. There must be something.

SOUND RADIO ON, SURF CHANNELS, STOP ON AN AD

MARK I like N-P-R.

ABBY News channel, bub.

[Moment just listening.]

JUSTIN OK, enough with the ads - give us some news.

TYLER If this was a movie, the minute we switched over, the news bulletin would come on right then. Cheesy, eh?

BRIANNA It's just a genre convention - a way of condensing all this boring time spent listening to--

JUSTIN Shh.

SOUND TURNS VOLUME UP

NEWS ...the third armored car hijacking this year, and the second one with fatalities. Three security guards were injured in the attack--

JUSTIN Wow. We should call someone.

ABBY Already on it.

SOUND CELL PHONE BEEPS

ABBY Damn. No reception.

NEWS --two are in critical condition. Pursuers lost the car in a high speed chase when the hijackers realized they were being tracked and dumped the onboard GPS at the side of the road.

JUSTIN Well, the motel must be close. They'll have a phone.

NEWS Police believe that one of the hijackers may have been injured in the attack...

SOUND CLICK RADIO OFF - no music here

MARK I thought we were supposed to reach it by ten?

JUSTIN Well, with all you small bladdered people, we had a lot more potty breaks than I allowed for. And, o'course, getting run off the road... Changing the tire...

TYLER There was that.

BRIANNA Think your Uncle Joey'll give us a discount for coming in so late - half the night, half price?

TYLER I'll ask him. [yawns] In the morning, though.

MUSIC

SOUND CAR, SNORING FROM ALL BUT JUSTIN

SOUND BUMP, THEN CAR PULLS TO A STOP

JUSTIN [trying to stay awake noise] Holy crap, I think we're here.

ABBY [waking] Mmm? Oh good...

JUSTIN One moment and I'll go and check in...

ABBY No, I'll get it. Gotta pee anyway. Small bladder. [yawns] All that.

JUSTIN [receding] I didn't mean....

SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, DOOR, BELL JINGLES

ABBY Hello? Hello?

SOUND RINGS DESK BELL

SOUND DOOR OPENS SOMEWHERE

ABBY [calling] Look, I'm sorry to be coming in so late! We had car trouble. Can we get a room? [beat] Hello?

SOUND FLUSH OF A TOILET

ABBY [needs to pee] Oh, jeez. [deep shaky breath] Hello?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

CLARK Hey. Sorry about that. I was catching a few. You want a room?

ABBY Yeah, my friends and I - if you have a room with a couple of queens, we'll be fine.

CLARK Uh, sure. Probably. [looking around] Nobody really here, tonight.

ABBY Could we have the one out on the end, then?

CLARK Don't see why not... um...

ABBY Says here it's room 14.

CLARK There you go. [unconvincing laugh] So tired my eyes won't focus.

SOUND KEY SLAPPED ON TABLE

ABBY How much?

CLARK Oh, pay when you leave.

ABBY Hmm. Are you Joey?

CLARK Joey who?

ABBY [sharp intake of breath, then faking being ditzy] Sorry - you look a lot like the cousin of a friend of mine.

CLARK I get that a lot.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS

ABBY Oh, can I use your bathroom? It's kind of an emergency.

CLARK [too sharp] No! I mean, sorry - no can do. Absolutely against policy. Too bad you didn't get a room closer in, eh?

ABBY [flat, suspicious] Yeah.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, JINGLE

MUSIC

SOUND HOTEL ROOM DOOR SHUTS, FEET STUMBLE AROUND, BAGS DOWN, ETC.

SOUND BODY FLOPS ONTO BED

JUSTIN I am dead. As driver, I call a bed.

SOUND WHEELCHAIR ROLLS

MARK I'm with you.

SOUND FLUSH

BRIANNA I suppose Abby and I should share the... other...? I thought she said the room would have two beds?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

ABBY That clerk didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Did you park right next to the door Justin?

JUSTIN [half moan] Yes. Why?

ABBY I have a bad feeling about all this.

TYLER Any chance it has something to do with all the spooky movie talk in the car?

BRIANNA And the guy who ran us off the road?

ABBY Maybe.

JUSTIN Well, unless you're ready to drive - and pay for the extra insurance - We're not moving from this spot until I wake up.

ABBY But the clerk - there was something wrong there. Really. God, for a chance at a spot hidden roll.

MARK [more awake] Describe him.

BRIANNA [groans] Come on - it's beddy-bye time!

MARK Abby's got good instincts, Bree. You know how hard it is for me to fool her.

ABBY That's just in game. I'm not--

JUSTIN [half asleep, but trying] But you are the only girl--

BRIANNA [half-hearted] Woman.

JUSTIN --to make it into the ... strategic final thingee--

ABBY Ok. Shit I'm tired. [long deep thinking breath] He wouldn't let me use the bathroom. He didn't try and hit on me. Didn't know which number room was the one on the end. Didn't ask how many "we" were. Didn't know which rooms have queen beds. Didn't ask for a credit card.

TYLER So? He's dead tired too. Big whoop. It's [looks] 2 freaking 55 in the morning.

MARK Jeez, folks, we've had sessions which went long past 3! What's wrong with you?

JUSTIN [muttered into the pillow] Getting old.

MARK Yeah. You 25-year old over the hill codger, you. Abby, what would you do now?

ABBY What?

MARK This is the scenario. Right here. What would you do?

TYLER Sleep.

BRIANNA Seconded.

JUSTIN [Snoring]

MARK Assume it's unlikely we can drive out of here - at least not conveniently. How would you secure the room?

ABBY [perking up] We could set watches--

TYLER [mumbled] Screw you!

ABBY I can't watch all night. Adrenaline is only good for so long.

MARK That guy struck you that bad?

ABBY Yeah. I'm probably just--

MARK Let's assume otherwise. We have a map - of sorts - on the door there. Take a look.

ABBY I - well, I got the room on the end, since we'd have a better chance of seeing or hearing anyone coming.

MARK [chuckles]

ABBY I can't help it. I'm already in strategy mode. Ok, the room has windows at the front and back and a bathroom that abuts the next room. No windows in the end wall. If we could keep an eye either side--

SOUND FEET ON CARPET, CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE, THEN WHIPPED BACK INTO PLACE.

ABBY Oh, shit.

MARK What?

ABBY God, I hope no one saw the light.

MARK I'll turn it off. Let them think we're asleep.

SOUND CLICK OF SWITCH

MARK Now?

ABBY It's the truck - car - whatever! The one that almost ran us off the road!

MARK [gasps] Are you sure?

ABBY Come and look!

MARK I believe you. We need everyone if this is a real situation. Shit.

ABBY There's woods - cover - right out back. If Tyler was up, he could go look.

MARK He's not going to be up any time soon.

ABBY I know what will-- I'm going to take a chance and get my other bag from the car. I'll see what I can see.

MARK I'll try the phone--

ABBY No!

MARK Why?

ABBY Switchboard - I saw a switchboard in the office.

MARK Shit. Major "notice," though. Good one.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MARK Abby?

ABBY I'll be careful.

MARK [encouraging] I'm glad it's you.

SOUND DOOR SOFTLY CLOSES

MARK Shit.

SOUND A moment of just snoring

MUSIC CREEPS IN, JUST A BIT

MARK [snorty, "almost fell asleep" noise] Abby? What time--? Shit.

SOUND WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS

MARK [urgent hiss] Justin! Wake up, dammit!

JUSTIN Wha--?

MARK Wake Up!

SOUND DOOR OPENS QUICKLY, FEET COME IN, DOOR SHUTS AGAIN

MARK God! You nearly gave me a heart attack!

ABBY Sorry - I spotted someone out in the parking lot, just after I got in the van, and I didn't want to move again until it was clear.

JUSTIN [almost awake] What's going on?

ABBY I'll get Tyler up.

MARK Go for it. I doubt you'll have much luck.

ABBY Ah, but I have a secret weapon - I always pack a sixer with me to gaming cons.

SOUND SLOSHING OF LIQUID

MARK [almost drooling] Energy shots.

ABBY Un-huh. It may take a minute or two, but we'll get everyone up and running.

MUSIC

TYLER All you had to do was shout "Bob! Bob is coming!" and I woulda been up and running without the taste of ass - Bob was the demon in the larp last weekend, and man was he--

MARK Shush.

EVERYONE [Murmurs of assent]

MARK Let's assume this is not a drill.

EVERYONE [a bit undecided murmurs]

ABBY I know there's something odd here. I feel it.

JUSTIN Are you sure you're not just jittery about the tourney?

ABBY Probably am, but that doesn't make me think I'm wrong.

BRIANNA [Still groggy] What do you want us to do?

MARK Tyler, are you up for something that could be really dangerous?

TYLER Hell yeah.

BRIANNA [cautioning] Tyler?

TYLER Well, how dangerous?

MARK Abby?

ABBY Out the back window of the room, I think I saw that armored car that nearly ran us down. It's parked in a dark spot. If it's really the one, and there's any chance it's the same one that was stolen, there's a good chance we've walked in on a den of thieves. We need to know. Can you get within range of it and have a look?

TYLER Gimme a second.

SOUND FEET. CURTAIN MOVES

BRIANNA When you say "really dangerous"--?

MARK They already killed a couple of guys during the holdup. I can't see them hesitating at shooting a few more bystanders.

BRIANNA Tyler?

ABBY Bree, I've Larped with him, and if anyone can really sneak, it's Folemon.

BRIANNA But that's his character!

ABBY In live action games, there are things you either can do or you can't, and sneaking is‑‑

TYLER [voice slightly different - "in character" as Folemon] I spy the brigands' carriage. I will hence and reconnoiter.

BRIANNA Be careful.

TYLER Fair maiden, with you to return to, I cannot fail. [kiss on hand] Douse the lanterns, lest my shadow betray me!

MUSIC

SOUND LIGHT TAPPING NOISE, WHICH GOES ON THROUGHOUT

JUSTIN What are you doing?

ABBY What does it look like? I'm checking for trap doors.

JUSTIN You're joking.

BRIANNA Didn't you see that movie Vacancy? There was a trapdoor in the bathroom floor.

ABBY That was so annoying. They were so stupid about that.

JUSTIN About what?

ABBY Did you see the movie?

JUSTIN Well, no.

ABBY They could have easily blocked the hatch. But they didn't and ended up fighting guys popping up out of it.

BRIANNA They couldn't block it - they tried. There wasn't any heavy furniture.

ABBY [derisive laugh] What do you call this?

SOUND DULL THUMP

JUSTIN A mattress.

ABBY Have you ever had to move one? From a dead lift? And if that's not enough, the trapdoor was right next to the tub - you just soak the damn thing and no one - not even Schwarzenegger--

BRIANNA Well, back in his prime--

ABBY Is going to be able to shift it.

JUSTIN You ...actually ...thought about this?

ABBY [matter of fact] It's what I do.

SOUND KNOCKING

BRIANNA Lights out - it's the door.

SOUND SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT

BRIANNA Tyler?

ABBY Folemon!

TYLER [muffled] I return triumphant!

SOUND DOOR OPENS AND QUICKLY SHUTS AGAIN, LOCKS

TYLER And, I have a prize!

SOUND TAP ON SOMETHING METAL

SOUND LIGHT CLICKS ON

JUSTIN What the--?

MARK No, that's good. If we can get to the authorities, we can prove we saw the damn thing.

JUSTIN You coulda taken a picture - you think they're not going to notice a missing license plate?

TYLER [chuckling, full of himself] I think they'll have other things on their mind.

ABBY Oh, god, what did you do?

TYLER I had my thieves tool handy--

JUSTIN What?

BRIANNA Pocketknife.

TYLER So I hobbled their horses.

ABBY We need to go now.

JUSTIN You did what?

BRIANNA He let the air out of their tires. Tyler, sweetie, speak English so I can stop translating.

TYLER Hey, what? They won't be able to come after us--

ABBY But they will know someone was spying on their truck. They might not notice the plate, but-- aagh!

TYLER I was... um... in the zone? My character would have--

MARK Understandable. Let's deal with it. Were there any other cars out there?

TYLER Not out back.

MARK Justin?

JUSTIN What?

MARK Any other cars out front?

JUSTIN I didn't notice. Sorry.

MARK See what happens when you give up gaming? You lose your edge. You remember anything Abby?

ABBY Not in the parking lot. I can take a look.

MARK Hold off. What do we have for weapons, if it comes to that?

JUSTIN Jack Shit.

ABBY Torchiere for a club.

BRIANNA No - no heft.

ABBY We can wire the doorknob as a last resort - give someone a bitch of a shock.

TYLER Shh!

[They all do.]

SOUND SLIGHT CRUNCH, MIGHT BE FOOT ON GRAVEL

MARK Posts.

SOUND VERY QUIET MOVEMENT

ABBY Uh-uh.

BRIANNA shit.

MARK The front?

BRIANNA Movement.

ABBY Window? Door?

BRIANNA Distraction. [starts moaning, loudly - very sexy]

ABBY Stay out the way of the window.

BRIANNA Uhh! [whispered] Watching. [Up] Ohh!

TYLER [joins in]

JUSTIN You won't be able to hear--

ABBY Neither will they!

SOUND WINDOW SLIDES OPEN WITH A PROTESTING SQUEAL

ABBY Shit. If we're going out this way, we're doing it sharp and hard.

MARK Out front?

TYLER [still groaning]

BRIANNA Someone's right outside. Ohh! Just a shadow. Ohh! Peeping or about to try something. Ohh!

JUSTIN This is insane. This does not happen in real life.

MARK Look, bro- you can play along, and worst that happens is you look like an idiot with the rest of us, or you keep saying it can't be real and maybe take a bullet. Why not play along?

JUSTIN Shit. What do you need me to do? I am not joining that party.

[Moans continue intermittently]

MARK Can you see what's at the top of the closet? Usually if there's access to an attic space, that's where it would be.

JUSTIN Sure.

MARK And you're tall enough.

JUSTIN No problem. [suddenly serious] If this is some psycho situation, you know I won't let anyone get you, right, bro?

MARK Shithead. Get everyone else out first! I'm the burden - now get in the damn closet.

SOUND CLOSET DOOR OPENS

ABBY You're not a burden.

MARK Physically, I'm a drag on the party.

ABBY Mentally, you're the only one keeping us together. So you can just shut up.

MARK OK, shutting.

BRIANNA He's making a move.

MARK Shit.

SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR

BRIANNA [loud] Ooh! Oh, shit! Huh?

TYLER [loud] What the fuck?

MARK Abby? Where are we?

ABBY Tyler, get behind the door. Ready to slam it if you gotta.

TYLER Check.

SOUND KNOCK AGAIN

ABBY Brianna, the torchiere, stay below the window, trip anyone coming in.

BRIANNA On it.

SOUND KNOCKING INSISTENT

ABBY [trying to make up her mind] Door - wall - wall - door. Shit! [deep breath, then calling out] What?

SOUND SHIFTING FURNITURE

CLARK You all right in there?

ABBY What?

CLARK I heard a noise.

JUSTIN [whispered] See? Normal.

ABBY No. At the very least, he's peeping. No way he'd hear anything from the office. [up] Everything's fine. We were watching a movie.

MARK Good one.

JUSTIN Oh, this is idiotic.

SOUND WALKS, UNLOCKS AND FLINGS OPEN DOOR

TYLER Hey!

ABBY No!

SOUND GUNSHOT, BODY DROP

JUSTIN [screams in pain]

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

CLARK [screams in pain]

ABBY Bree, can you get the lock, without getting in front of the door - it's crap, but--

BRIANNA Done. Justin - is he--?

SOUND LOCK FUMBLED SHUT

JUSTIN [sounds more annoyed than hurt] I'm shot.

ABBY At least now we know it's not a drill.

SOUND GUNSHOT, WINDOW SHATTERS

ABBY Down!

SOUND BODIES FALL, WHEELCHAIR RATTLES AND TIPS

MARK Get him. I'll cover Justin.

SOUND CAUTIOUS STEP ON BROKEN GLASS

ABBY [scream, distracting him]

SOUND FEET TURN ON THE GLASS, GUNSHOT

ABBY Bree!

BRIANNA Yaaaah!

SOUND THUMP - BODY DROPS

CLARK Yowtch!

ABBY Sit on that bastard. Tyler, check for backup?

SOUND HEAVY CRUNCH ON GLASS

CLARK [Whimper]

TYLER On it.

SOUND CAR STARTING

TYLER Oh shit - he's in for a surprise. Front's clear.

JUSTIN You seem to all be ignoring the fact that I've been shot.

MARK I've been applying pressure.

JUSTIN To my mouth.

MARK oh, yeah, I was supposed to be stopping the part that got shot, not the part that shot off, right.

ABBY Brianna, swap - you take a look at Justin, see if we can move him. I'll hold down the ...fort.

TYLER Fart.

[Snickers all around.]

CLARK [Moans, then grunts when Abby turns him over]

SOUND CRACKLE OF GLASS UNDER HIS BODY

ABBY Need something to tie him with.

TYLER Gotcha. Thieves tools to the rescue again.

SOUND RIPPING FABRIC - GOES ON FOR A WHILE

BRIANNA Tyler, toss me your flint and steel.

SOUND CATCH, THEN FLASHLIGHT COMES ON

BRIANNA Looks superficial. I was hoping I knocked you down quickly enough, but I wasn't sure.

JUSTIN I've been shot.

BRIANNA Yes, but not badly. I'll bandage it in a second.

TYLER Here's your fifty feet of rope...

ABBY Check the back?

TYLER I am fleet enough to be in all places at once.

SOUND ENGINE STOPS

TYLER Oh.

ABBY [grunts as she ties a knot] OK, shithead. Talk.

CLARK What?

ABBY Well, we have your gun. And a pocketknife. You want to choose which one I do you over with?

CLARK What? I was just--

ABBY Shooting in through our door?

CLARK I thought you were -

TYLER Shut up.

ABBY No, let him talk. I want to hear this.

CLARK Nothing.

ABBY Oh, well. How many friends you got out there?

CLARK None.

ABBY So that's Christine out back? Or are you Knight Rider?

CLARK Ow! No - No! Stop!

JUSTIN Let me. I'm the one he shot.

CLARK No! There's just the two - and B-Ball's shot.

ABBY Anyone else?

JUSTIN Is this what you were doing?

CLARK OWWW! No, no one!

ABBY What about the real clerk?

CLARK Oh - um -

ABBY Right. We need to dump this guy somewhere.

TYLER Out back?

ABBY Chances are, we can get out the front.

JUSTIN Chances? I don't want--

ABBY No worries. Tyler - eyes on the back until I signal, OK?

TYLER Sure thing.

BRIANNA What now?

ABBY We do what we have to do. Mark, you ready to take a chance?

MUSIC

SOUND OUTSIDE - DOOR OPENS

SOUND WHEELCHAIR BUMPS NOISILY OUT THE DOOR

ABBY No shots. Good. We're moving out. Justin, you're behind me and the chair - get your ass into the car and start it. We'll pile in, peel out, and worry about belts and seats later.

JUSTIN Are you sure this is safe?

ABBY Nope. Tyler? Got the rear?

TYLER Got it.

ABBY Bree, you're first in. I'll cover you.

SOUND GUN CLICKS READY

BRIANNA Check. Hold tight!

SOUND WHEELCHAIR GRINDS ALONG THE GROUND

TYLER He's coming!

ABBY Everyone - Move! Justin - get it in gear!

JUSTIN Yeah...

SOUND JINGLE OF KEYS, THEY DROP TO THE GROUND

JUSTIN Shit!

ABBY Dammit! Bree, get your ass to the other side of the car!

SOUND HEAVY FEET RUNNING ON GRAVEL

TYLER I'll--

SOUND GUNSHOT

ABBY You'll go. Move it. I'll cover you. [solemn] Don't fumble the keys.

TYLER I won't.

SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF ACROSS THE GRAVEL, snatch up the keys.

SOUND GUNSHOT

ABBY [Gasps as she shoots] Damn, that's a kick.

SOUND GUNSHOT

SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS

ABBY Yessss!

SOUND ABBY SHOOTS

SOUND SIDE DOOR SLIDES OPEN

ABBY [yelling] Stop shooting at the crip, you scumbag! You'll be sorry!

SOUND WHEELCHAIR MOVES SLOWLY, ODD FOOTSTEPS AS ABBY CROUCHES BEHIND IT

ABBY Nice to have friends, isn't it?

SOUND GUNSHOT

ABBY [yelling] You really should stop that!

THUG [evil laugh]

ABBY I told him.

TYLER Come on!

ABBY Bye-bye

SOUND WHEELCHAIR PUSHED, ROLLS

SOUND GUNSHOT

SOUND GRUNT OF PAIN [CLARK]

SOUND RUNNING FEET

SOUND CAR REVVING

SOUND JUMP

SOUND GUNSHOT, PINGS OFF METAL OF CAR

TYLER [grunting to pull her in] Come on!

SOUND CAR MOVES, FEET DRAG

BRIANNA Here.

SOUND GRAB, DRAG

ABBY [grunting]

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

SOUND TIRES SPIN IN GRAVEL, CAR ZOOMS OFF

ABBY [sigh] OK, whose lap am I in?

MARK Mine. Sorry about that.

ABBY Hey, we're all here, no one got shot--

JUSTIN I did!

MARK And we had to dump my chair...

ABBY No one got killed, and we're back on the road. I'm gonna feel like shit for the tourney, but who gives a crap? [giggles]

[All join in the hysterical relieved laughter.]

MUSIC

SOUND OUTSIDE ROAD - MORNING NOISES

ABBY [waking up noises, suddenly awake with a gasp]

MARK [whispering] Shh. It's ok--

SOUND RUSTLE AS SHE TRIES TO SIT UP

ABBY Was it - It was a dream?

MARK Hell no. But once you passed out, we figured you deserved it. Let you sleep.

ABBY Oh...

MARK Hey Justin? When's the next bathroom?

BRIANNA And a phone.

JUSTIN Like anyone's gonna believe us.

BRIANNA You did get shot.

TYLER And I still have my trophy.

SOUND PING AGAINST METAL OF LICENSE PLATE

MARK Shh. Abby's out again.

ABBY Hmm? [rousing herself] Like hell! Justin? Crank the music!!

END

Thanks for your patience! Winter is tough.

______________________________________________

This episode includes graphic violence, archiac psychiatric attitudes and terminology, gaslighting, and misogyny. It was written intentionally to emulate the style of Italian "GIALLO" thriller films of the 1970s and 80s.

______________________________________________

Hot chicks in peril, black leather-gloved killer, faces through plate glass, badly-dubbed voices, and lots and lots of the red stuff!

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Dr. Silver - Anthony D.P. Mann Jessica - Julie Hoverson Adrienne - Robyn Keyes Dana - Kate Waterous Chris - Tanja Milojevic Inspector Gules - Glen Hallstrom Manager - Dru Williams Voice on Phone - Lord Blood-Rah Cop1 - Desmond Reddick (Dread Media) Cop2 - Miguel Guerreiro (FearShop.com) Coroner - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Detective - Caretaker (Graveyard Show)

Music: Professor Kliq Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?"

________________________________________

WHEN YELLOW CASTS A CRIMSON SHADOW

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Jessica

Dr. Silver

Dana

Adrienne

Chris

Detective Gules

Manager

Voice

Cop1

Cop2

Detective

Coroner

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND LOW MUSIC PLAYS

SOUND DOOR OPENS

JESSICA Dr. Silver?

1. SILVER Ah, you must be Jessica. Come in! Come in. Your father has spoken of you often.

JESSICA Mm. He told me to come to you if I.... needed anything.

1. SILVER Come in! Sit down! I can't tactfully say I am pleased to see you, but I can heartily say I am most happy to make your acquaintance.

JESSICA Oh. Yeah. Thanks.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS QUIETLY, SHE CROSSES ROOM AND SITS

1. SILVER There. Now tell me what I can do for you.

JESSICA Since I moved to Florence, I've - I've been doing really well. Sleeping. Even without the drugs.

1. SILVER You haven't been taking your prescriptions?

JESSICA My doctor back home said I could cut back some - once I started feeling better.

1. SILVER Your doctor--?

JESSICA Dr. Gelb. Joan Gelb?

1. SILVER Ah, yes, I am familiar with some of her work. Go on.

JESSICA Go... on?

1. SILVER You had a reason for coming to me, didn't you?

JESSICA Oh! Yes. [very down] The dreams.

1. SILVER [after a beat] Yes?

JESSICA Well, I came here to attend university. And be closer to my father.

1. SILVER He is not in the United States?

JESSICA No. He's on diplomatic attachment in the Netherlands - [amused] but I don't understand any Dutch.

1. SILVER [chuckles]

JESSICA So I found a room with three other girls from the college. They're all models. To pay for their classes. Well, except Dana - she just models for fun... Sorry. That's probably not important.

1. SILVER Don't let it worry you. Go at your own pace.

JESSICA Can I have a piece of paper?

1. SILVER You want to take notes? [teasing] That's really my job.

JESSICA No, no! It helps me concentrate. Please?

SOUND PAPER RIPPED FROM NOTEBOOK, PASSED OVER

JESSICA Thank you.

SOUND PAPER FOLDED, TORN - UNDER THROUGHOUT

JESSICA So, Dana, Chris, and Adrienne - are all gorgeous. I'm the mouse. [heavy sigh] Don't get me wrong - they're all very nice.

1. SILVER But you are a bit jealous?

JESSICA They've all got legs all the way up to their shoulders!

1. SILVER [musing] A woman with legs up to her shoulders might be missing a heart.

JESSICA [startled, laughs, relaxes a bit] I like that. But, they're nice - really nice.

1. SILVER You're lucky. Good friends are hard to find.

JESSICA Yes... [trails off, sighs, then absently] The dream.

1. SILVER Whenever you're ready.

JESSICA You're going to think I'm horrible!

1. SILVER Nonsense. Dreams are primarily symbolic, and everyone dreams about things they are embarrassed by. I promise not to judge you.

JESSICA [gulps, long breath] In the dream, I come home. Our apartment is on the top floor, so I walk up and up the endless stairs. It's the type that goes round and round an open space. [her voice slowly picks up an echo, as if in a stairwell] You know, where you can look all the way down to the ground floor - as long as you don't have to worry about vertigo?

SOUND [under] FOOTSTEPS ECHOING UP THE STAIRWELL

1. SILVER Mm.

JESSICA And the door was ... open.

JESSICA [under] Hello?

JESSICA I pushed it the rest of the way, and went in. And everything was red. Red on the walls. I couldn't understand. All I could think was - did we repaint?

1. SILVER Yes?

JESSICA And then I looked up and saw the light fixture. It was red too. Red and dripping. [slowly] Slowly dripping.

1. SILVER [after a pause] Is that when you woke?

JESSICA [hollow, numb] No. [coming back] Can I have another piece of paper? I'll trade you.

1. SILVER A crane? Very nice.

JESSICA It was... part of my therapy.

SOUND PAPER RIPS, PASSED OVER, MORE FOLDING BEGINS

1. SILVER Still... very nice.

JESSICA Thanks. [deep breath] I went into the next room. [half a chuckle] Out of the foyer into the frying pan. [lame laugh] You must think I'm awful, to be able to joke at a time like this!

1. SILVER No. Humor is a very common way to deal with painful circumstances. Don't concern yourself with what I think.

JESSICA Adrienne was in the sitting room. [trying not to choke up] Dead. She was - all cut up, and the mirror next to the kitchen door was smashed and bloody. I could see my reflection in the shards ....sticking ...out of her ...eyes.

JESSICA [tinny] [screams]

1. SILVER [after a short moment] Was that where the dream ended?

JESSICA [trying to be chipper] Yes. Just that. Just... seeing her dead.

1. SILVER I'd... like to venture an interpretation of this dream that might help you... come to terms with it.

JESSICA Yes?

1. SILVER It's a manifestation of a deep-seated jealousy.

JESSICA I'm not jealous!

1. SILVER It's normal - don't worry. She's a beautiful model and you want to see yourself in her eyes as she appears to yours.

JESSICA [brightening] Really? But it was so bloody.

1. SILVER Symbolism again. Red is the color of jealousy and passion. Nothing more.

MUSIC

SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS ECHO UP ENDLESS STAIRWAY

SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BELOW

SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS STOP

SOUND A COUPLE OF HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, APPROACHING

SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS, RUNNING UP THE STAIRS

SOUND SHE PAUSES AGAIN

JESSICA [heavy breathing, trying to be quiet and listen]

SOUND NO FOOTSTEPS

SOUND THUMPING SOUNDS APPROACH - SETS OF FOUR

SOUND TURNS OUT TO BE A BALL COMING DOWN THE STAIRS

SOUND SHE CATCHES THE BALL

JESSICA [sigh, chuckle]

CHILD [strangely bland] My ball!

JESSICA [gasp, almost a scream] Oh! [more normal] I've got it.

SOUND HER STEPS BEGIN AGAIN

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS

DANA [lecturing] I only eat chocolate off a man.

JESSICA [gasp]

CHRIS Ha! What a line to come in on! Dana was just explaining her perfect diet plan.

ADRIENNE It makes perfect sense - work up a sweat, then have all the chocolate you want!

JESSICA You girls.

DANA Don't tell me you wouldn't, if you had a chance?

JESSICA Well...

CHRIS Maybe she doesn't like chocolate!

ADRIENNE Maybe she doesn't like men.

JESSICA I like chocolate! My father sent me some cocoa - the good Dutch kind.

DANA I'm surprised you like men any more, Adrienne, after all that bastard Alberto put you through.

ADRIENNE Don't get me started. [beat] You should really be allowed to shoot men when you're through with them.

CHRIS I'd have a trail of bodies stretching to the sunset.

JESSICA Are there any more of those apples?

DANA Catch!

SOUND CATCHING AN APPLE

CHRIS What would we do when we run out of men?

ADRIENNE [bitter, haunted] Not all men, just the ones who want to track you down and torment you.

DANA He didn't!

CHRIS Again?

JESSICA [bites into apple, then chewing] What?

DANA You should tell her.

ADRIENNE It makes me sound like such a victim.

DANA Why do you think she never does bikini shots?

CHRIS She's moved three times in the past year - but he always finds her.

DANA She's got the scars to prove it.

MUSIC

SOUND SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, HURRIED FEET ENTER

JESSICA It happened again!

1. SILVER Calm down, Jessica.

JESSICA I'm - I'm so sorry to burst in here like this--

1. SILVER Sit down.

JESSICA But I - I can't concentrate on anything today--

SOUND PAPER RIPPING FROM NOTEBOOK

1. SILVER Here. Now sit.

SOUND SHE SNATCHES THE PAPER, FLAPS IT

JESSICA Thank you. Are you sure it's ok?

1. SILVER I've got plenty of paper.

JESSICA [chuckles] No, I mean-- [sighs] Thank you.

SOUND SHE SITS, BEGINS FOLDING

JESSICA I feel like such a fool.

1. SILVER It obviously upset you. Sharing will make you feel better. You had another dream?

JESSICA No! That's the weird part - it was the same dream!

1. SILVER The same?

JESSICA Well, it started the same. Going up the stairs, and the blood on the light, and ... [almost a whisper] Adrienne.

1. SILVER And...?

JESSICA It was all the same - except the ending.

1. SILVER How did it end, then?

JESSICA It didn't. I mean - it went on, from where I woke up before.

1. SILVER Hmm.

JESSICA I was staring at myself in the mirror shards - but then I realized it wasn't me. Not Jessica. Not this time - that was different.

1. SILVER Who was in the reflection?

JESSICA I think it was.... the killer!

[NOTE - now the voices in the consulting room are tinny, as the scene plays out underneath]

SOUND [repeat of Jessica's scream from the first dream, which trails off into a weird noise of breathing]

SOUND FOOTSTEPS WALK SLOWLY THROUGH SQUISHY BLOODY PUDDLE

1. SILVER Be as specific as you want. You won't shock me. You can give me every detail.

JESSICA I can smell the blood. It's everywhere.

1. SILVER It's quite a distinctive smell.

JESSICA Yes.

SOUND DOOR PUSHED SLOWLY OPEN, FOOTSTEPS MOVE INTO DRY SPACE

SOUND SQUEAK AS KNIFE IS CLEANED OFF - LEATHER AGAINST METAL

SOUND FOUR TAPS OF KNIFE AGAINST WOOD

JESSICA It was Dana's room. And she was sleeping.

1. SILVER So this was nighttime?

JESSICA [slightly confused] I don't know. Dana sleeps late.

1. SILVER Jessica - in the dream, are you Jessica, or are you the killer?

JESSICA I - I'm not sure. I'm not... thinking in the dream, just seeing and feeling... and smelling. I can't see a face - even in the mirrors - I just knew it was the killer looking back at me, but I couldn't tell you what he...I...looked like.

1. SILVER [too interested] What are you wearing?

JESSICA Boots. Black. Leather gloves. I move toward Dana's bed...

SOUND CREAK OF THE LEATHER GLOVES

1. SILVER Do you stab her too?

JESSICA [offhand] Oh, Adrienne wasn't stabbed - at least... that wasn't how she died. She was strangled.

SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER

DANA [gasps, awakens, tries to breathe]

SOUND CLAWING AT LEATHER, SHAKING OF BED, POUNDING

1. SILVER And then she died?

JESSICA Oh, no. That would be too quick. I let up just in time - she's out.

1. SILVER [licks his lips] Do you tie her up?

JESSICA Yes. I tie her to the bed frame. Up and down.

1. SILVER What is she wearing?

JESSICA A scarlet negligee. She got it after one of her modeling shoots - the picture is on the wall over the bed. Huge. Her. Posed in red. Enticing.

SOUND [tinny] CRUMPLE OF PAPER

1. SILVER And then...?

JESSICA [coming out of it] I-I- can I have another piece of paper?

1. SILVER [breathing a bit heavily, trying to calm down] Of course.

SOUND PAPER TORN RATHER CLUMSILY OUT OF NOTEBOOK - RIPS IN HALF

1. SILVER Damn. What will you make?

SOUND TEARS ANOTHER PIECE, SHE SNATCHES IT AWAY FROM HIM, BEGINS FOLDING

JESSICA A box. I feel like I'm in a box.

1. SILVER Perhaps you should make something more... open. Something you can get out of.

JESSICA Maybe next time.

1. SILVER All right. Was there more to the dream?

JESSICA A little. After Dana woke up.

1. SILVER [trying to hide his excitement] What happened?

JESSICA [evasive] I just... killed her.

MUSIC ESCALATES

SOUND STABBING - SETS OF FOUR

DANA [Screaming, begging, gurgling]

SOUND SPLATTER

DANA [gurgling]

SOUND A COUPLE MORE KNIFE STABS

DANA [death rattle]

SOUND DRIPPING

SOUND WIPING KNIFE WITH GLOVES AGAIN

MUSIC

SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN STAIRWELL, STOP FOR A SECOND

SOUND FAR AWAY, DOOR OPENS

JESSICA [sigh]

SOUND TWO STEPS

SOUND DOOR NEARBY SLAMS OPEN

SOUND FEROCIOUS DOG!!!!!

JESSICA [screams, then smothers it]

SOUND SCRABBLING OF DOG NAILS ON TILE FLOOR

JESSICA Mrs. Amarelo! Mrs. Amarelo! Please!

MUSIC

SOUND TEAPOT WHISTLING, TAKEN OFF, WATER POURS

JESSICA [talking loudly to someone in another room] She really needs to keep that dog on a shorter leash. She's lucky I didn't jump back and fall down the stairs.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, SLIPPERED FEET IN

DANA [half awake] Mm. Coffee?

JESSICA [silly!] Cocoa. [gasp] Oh!

DANA You don't like it? It's imported French lace.

JESSICA I'm just not used to--

DANA And red is such a good color on me.

ADRIENNE [calling from the other room] --she's just shy.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS COME IN

ADRIENNE [close] Haven't you ever wondered, Jessica?

JESSICA [disturbed] Wondered... what?

SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS

DANA Mmm?

ADRIENNE What it would be like with a woman?

JESSICA [disturbed] Um - no. Uh, I don't even know anyone who does--

ADRIENNE Anyone who you KNOW does, anyway.

JESSICA Um... I guess.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

CHRIS [freaking out, out of breath] Oh, god!

SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT, BODY THUMPS AGAINST IT

ADRIENNE What's wrong? Sit down!

SOUND DOOR LOCKS

JESSICA Cocoa?

CHRIS Thanks! [sips, then shudders in a breath]

ADRIENNE What happened?

CHRIS [gasping it out] On the street. A gun! It was so loud!

DANA Someone was shot? I'm phoning the police.

ADRIENNE Give her a minute! She's nearly hysterical!

CHRIS No! No! Call them! The sooner I tell, the sooner he'll be caught!

JESSICA Did you see the guy?

CHRIS Uh-huh! [yes]

MUSIC

SOUND LOW MUSIC PLAYS

SOUND PAPER FOLDING

JESSICA I have this awful feeling--

1. SILVER Yes?

JESSICA That this is all... some kind of premonition.

1. SILVER You think you're seeing something that might happen in the future?

JESSICA It would make so much sense.

1. SILVER Is there anything in the dream that makes you think it will happen?

JESSICA Like what?

1. SILVER Something with the date? A newspaper, perhaps?

JESSICA [concentrating] Mmm, no. None of us really reads the papers. Magazines, yes, but they don't come out that often. [beat] And they all kind of look the same.

1. SILVER Have you ever had a dream - any dream - come true in the past?

JESSICA What? [half a chuckle] No!

1. SILVER Then I think you are safe. [teasing, fatherly] But make sure to lock your door.

JESSICA [laughs a bit]

1. SILVER [getting back on track] So. The dream came back. Again.

JESSICA [quiet, sad] Yes.

1. SILVER And it was--?

JESSICA Longer.

1. SILVER [avid] So once again, you saw your first two friends strangled and tortured and-- [swallows] mutilated.

JESSICA Yes.

1. SILVER And then? What about your third friend - what was her name?

JESSICA Chris. [numb] Chris was in the hall. She must have heard the commotion with Dana. I... feel like the killer was - ummmm - surprised. Like he didn't expect her to be there.

1. SILVER Why do you say that?

JESSICA I don't know. Just that he - I - had to chase her down.

1. SILVER Be specific.

JESSICA I came out of Dana's bedroom--

[office voices go tinny]

SOUND SQUISHING FOOTSTEPS, WIPE FEET AND STEP ONTO TILE

SOUND DOOR OPENS

CHRIS Dana? What? Oh, god! [screams]

JESSICA I hesitate, stunned. Just long enough for her to run back into her room.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

SOUND HEAVY FEET RUN, SLAM INTO DOOR

CHRIS [muffled] No! No!

SOUND SLAM INTO DOOR, WOOD CREAKS AND CRACKS

JESSICA There's such a - a rush as the door gives way.

1. SILVER Where is Chris?

JESSICA She's pressed again the window, outlined in light from the pink and red neon across the street.

1. SILVER Ahhhh. What is she wearing?

JESSICA Silk. A blue slip--

1. SILVER Blue? Are you sure?

JESSICA Yes. Why?

1. SILVER The neon light - it might be deceptive.

JESSICA I saw it in the hall.

1. SILVER Ahhh. What color is her hair?

JESSICA Chris? She has long straight blonde hair.

1. SILVER And very pretty.

JESSICA Yes.

1. SILVER Mmmmm.

SOUND WINDOW SLAMS OPEN

JESSICA I raise the knife and she screams again, trying to climb out the window.

1. SILVER Can she?

JESSICA We're six stories up. That's why there's all those stairs.

1. SILVER Do you... cut her?

JESSICA Better. I set the knife aside again--

SOUND LEATHER ON METAL

JESSICA --and take her by the throat. The black leather of the gloves looks strange in the neon pink glow - especially against her pale white throat.

1. SILVER Does she struggle?

JESSICA Like a fiend. She strikes and kicks, but it is all in vain. [coming out of it] The killer must be a man.

1. SILVER [startled out] Um? Of course-- Um, [swallows, clears throat] The um - the killer in the dream.

JESSICA That's what I meant.

1. SILVER Right. More paper?

SOUND RIPS PAPER OUT OF NOTEBOOK

JESSICA Thanks.

SOUND TAKES IT, STARTS FOLDING

1. SILVER You've made me quite a little collection here. What's this one?

JESSICA A knife.

1. SILVER [amused] A paper knife. And this?

JESSICA A shrew.

1. SILVER No more cranes?

JESSICA Cranes are peaceful. I haven't been feeling very... peaceful.

1. SILVER Do you want to continue?

JESSICA Don't you have another appointment?

1. SILVER No. Your case is fascinating, so I cleared some extra time for you.

JESSICA Oh. All right.

1. SILVER At least follow the dream to the conclusion.

JESSICA Where was I?

1. SILVER [too quick] You were strangling Chris.

SOUND STRANGLING NOISES UP AGAIN

SOUND HAND POUNDING AGAINST GLASS

[voices go tinny again]

JESSICA Right. Then she passed out.

SOUND STRUGGLE STOPS, SQUEAK OF HAND SLIDING DOWN PANE

1. SILVER Gooood.

SOUND ROPE PASSING THROUGH HANDS

1. SILVER And--?

JESSICA I took the cord from the blinds and wrapped it around her neck.

1. SILVER Strangling her? Again? Why?

JESSICA It wasn't tied that tight.

1. SILVER Then, what?

JESSICA Then I cut her a little. Not deep. Just enough to see red - just enough for the blood to flow. Shoulders. Thighs. Chest. It took a long time for her to wake up again.

1. SILVER Did you cut her blue slip off?

JESSICA It's not blue any more. Now it's wet and dark in strange rivulet patterns. So is the floor.

1. SILVER And then?

JESSICA Her eyes open - and once again I see my own reflection twice in one face. And this time I can almost make out who I am. If it weren't for that darn pink neon, I might be able to.

1. SILVER Does SHE recognize you?

JESSICA [dismissively] Maybe. She tries to scream. But I already gagged her. [little sigh] She was asleep a long time.

1. SILVER Uh-huh?

JESSICA I pull her up by her hair - her long blonde lovely hair. The word "tresses" pops into my mind.

1. SILVER Tresses. That's a good word.

JESSICA She squirms and tries to escape. Her eyes plead with me. But I don't waver. I show her the knife and she closes her eyes. I run the hilt of the knife over her forehead and she squeals - when really all I want to do is press her eyelids open.

1. SILVER She can't understand that, can she?

JESSICA I just want her to see. She was always a big one for seeing things.

1. SILVER See what?

JESSICA The window.

1. SILVER Is there something outside?

JESSICA Not yet.

1. SILVER Oh?

JESSICA As soon as her eyelids flutter open, I turn her toward the window and slam her face into it, shattering the glass. Something breaks in her, too, and I hear her muffled agony.

1. SILVER Her nose?

JESSICA I don't know, since as soon as the glass is gone, I push her out.

1. SILVER On the cord?

JESSICA She dances so prettily.

1. SILVER Do the people outside see?

JESSICA No, the music from the club with the neon is very loud, and no one ever looks up.

1. SILVER What about the blood?

JESSICA I don't know. I woke up.

1. SILVER [breathing heavily, calming down]

JESSICA What do you think?

1. SILVER We definitely have some work to do. You'll see me each afternoon for a while - can you promise me you will?

JESSICA Of course, if you think it's important.

1. SILVER Very. And here is my home number--

SOUND SCRIBBLING ON A CARD

1. SILVER --In case anything else comes to mind.

JESSICA You're sure you don't mind if I call you?

1. SILVER No. Of course not. In fact, I insist. I am here for you.

MUSIC

AMB STREET, NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE AROUND

SOUND JESSICA'S STEPS, HURRYING

SOUND A STRANGE TAPPING NOISE - SETS OF FOUR - GETTING CLOSER

SOUNDS SHE SPEEDS UP

SOUND THE TAPPING GETS CLOSER

SOUND SHE SPEEDS UP MORE

JESSICA [gasping]

SOUND GRAB AND FLING OPEN DOOR

SOUND FEET RUN INTO BUILDING

SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT

JESSICA [breathing heavily]

SOUND TAPS GO PAST OUTSIDE

JESSICA [sighs, almost laughs]

MANAGER [off slightly] Scotomaphobia?

JESSICA [gasps]

SOUND THUMP AS SHE RECOILS

JESSICA What? Mr. Cramoisie? You - you startled me!

SOUND CIGARETTE CRUSHED OUT

MANAGER The fear of going blind.

JESSICA Huh? Me?

MANAGER I saw you run from the white stick. [chuckles] And I don't know a word for fear of a blind man.

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS TENTATIVELY

JESSICA [clearly worried] Hello?

ADRIENNE Jess? Is there something wrong?

JESSICA [sigh of relief] No. Nothing. Glad to be home.

SOUNDS STEPS COME IN, DOOR SHUTS

SOUND REMOVING COAT, ETC.

DANA I was just putting on some tea - want some?

JESSICA No, thanks. Save me some water, though?

ADRIENNE You and your cocoa. Come in here - we've got company.

SOUND A FEW SLOW STEPS

JESSICA Oh? Hello.

GULES Ah. This must be your other roommate. Very pleased. Four such lovely ladies, [slightly ominous] all alone.

CHRIS This is Detective Gules. That is Jessica. Sit down Jessie.

JESSICA Detective?

SOUND CHAIR CREAKS AS SHE SITS

CHRIS He's investigating - um - [whispered] what I saw yesterday.

GULES We suspect the murder she witnessed was gangster-related, and are concerned for her safety. Your safety, too. This isn't a very secure building. You don't even have grilles on the windows.

DANA Pssht! We're six floors up! Who needs grilles! Here, Jess. Water--

SOUND MUG SET DOWN

DANA And your precious cocoa.

SOUND TIN

SOUND SPOON DROPPED INTO MUG

DANA [to the room, teasing] I wouldn't dare measure it for you.

JESSICA [laughs] That's perfect, Dana, thanks.

SOUND MIXES UP THE COCOA

GULES I'm trying to convince Chris to let me take her into protection. [getting darker] We want to make sure she stays where we can put our hands on her.

MUSIC

SOUND PHONE PICKED UP

JESSICA Hello?

VOICE [harsh whisper] Four girls. Could be three. Or one.

JESSICA Who is this? You're scaring me.

VOICE Will it be you?

JESSICA I'm hanging up now!

SOUND PHONE SLAMMED DOWN

DANA [worried] Jess? Who was that?

JESSICA A heavy breather. You know the type.

DANA I didn't even hear the phone ring.

JESSICA Oh? Umm... I must have picked it up just as it was starting. Who did you think it was?

DANA Oh, Michel. My brother. He's been asking for money again.

JESSICA What's wrong this time?

DANA Same old shit. Someone's going to break his legs. Someone's going to kill his dog. [disgusted noise] He ran through his half of the inheritance years ago.

JESSICA And you don't feel sorry for him?

DANA I felt one hundred thousand dollars sorry for him, and that was in the first month after he flushed all his cash down one toilet and another. Since then. [shrug] Not so damn sorry.

MUSIC

SOUND SNORING [Dr. Silver]

SOUND PHONE RINGS

SOUND PHONE PICKED UP

1. SILVER [not awake] mmm Hello?

JESSICA [on phone, hysterical] Doctor? Please? Something terrible has happened!

1. SILVER [snapping awake, but still groggy] Jessica? Wha-what's going on?

JESSICA [on phone] You have to come, Doctor! I need help! [backs off and screams]

SOUND [on phone] PHONE DROPS, THUMPS A FEW TIMES.

SOUND BED CLOTHES FLUNG OFF

MUSIC

SOUND DOC'S FEET COMING UP THE STAIRS, QUICKLY

1. SILVER [reading door numbers] 601... 602...?

JESSICA [moan]

1. SILVER Jessica? What has happened?

JESSICA D-doctor?

1. SILVER Come out here. My god - what--?

JESSICA A nosebleed. I - I get them sometimes.

1. SILVER With the dreams?

JESSICA Uh-huh.

1. SILVER Why are you out here in the hall?

JESSICA I didn't want to wake anyone.

1. SILVER They're your friends. They will surely understand. Let's go inside. [suave] Maybe have some of your famous cocoa?

JESSICA [small laugh] That would be nice.

1. SILVER Invite me in?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

JESSICA You're invited.

SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, A SLIGHT SQUISH

1. SILVER [slight shock] What?

MUSIC

JESSICA [sips, then] The dream was sooo bad this time.

1. SILVER [grunt]

JESSICA Then I found these--

SOUND SLAP OF LEATHER GLOVES

JESSICA And suddenly everything started to be so real. But it can't be, can it?

1. SILVER [grunt]

JESSICA I hoped I would wake up, and the gloves would be gone, but here they are.

SOUND GLOVES CREAK

1. SILVER [agreeing grunt]

JESSICA It's really good isn't it? Is it too hot for you?

1. SILVER [slight overreaction negative grunt]

JESSICA My father sent it. From the Netherlands. He's always somewhere else. I mean somewhere else from where I am, anyway. Did I tell you how my mother died?

1. SILVER [negative]

JESSICA She committed suicide when I was 5. I found her. Dr. Gelb says that's why I can't sleep. She says I can never forget my mother's dead eyes.

1. SILVER Hmm?

JESSICA They looked at me, but they weren't really her any more, you know?

1. SILVER Hmm.

JESSICA [briskly] But this is all beside the point. I'm so glad the girls are heavy sleepers. So we can talk.

1. SILVER Mm-hmm.

JESSICA [very important] I finally saw myself in the dream.

1. SILVER Mmm?

JESSICA I mean, I, in the killer's eyes, saw me - Jessica. Do you know how frightening that could be? The idea that I could not only watch myself be butchered, but that I would somehow be behind the eyes of the one doing it?

1. SILVER [sigh]

JESSICA [sips]

SOUND SETS DOWN CUP, PICKS UP PIECE OF PAPER, STARTS FOLDING

JESSICA Somehow, when I have a piece of paper in my hands, the dream fades into something that might have been on the television.

1. SILVER Hmm.

JESSICA [beat, then] Once Chris was dead, the killer must have pulled her back in. She was on the bed, starred with glass in the dark. Pink stars, catching the neon.

1. SILVER Mmm.

JESSICA I watch his black gloved hand push open my own bedroom door. I'm lying on the bed, tossing in my sleep.

1. SILVER Umm.

JESSICA The knife in my - his - hand leads me to the bed. To the woman. To me.

1. SILVER Umm?

JESSICA [agreeing] I know.

SOUND [off slightly] DOOR SLAMS OPEN

JESSICA What?

COP1 [off] Oh my god!

COP2 [off] [trying not to hurl]

SOUND HER SQUISHY, STICKY BARE FOOTSTEPS

JESSICA [way too calm, calling] Chris? Did you call for the police? [to the police] You should have knocked.

COP1 What the hell? What... the ... hell!

COP2 Is all that...blood?

JESSICA What? Oh, the nosebleed. Sorry, I should have changed into something fresh. Would you like some cocoa?

COP1 [calling back over his shoulder] Watch where you step!

MUSIC

SOUND GURNEY AFTER GURNEY BEING WHEELED OUT BEHIND THEM

SOUND DOG BARKING DOWN THE HALL, KEEPS GOING

COP1 It's bad, sir.

COP2 You might want some shoe covers.

DETECTIVE Who could have done such an awful thing?

COP2 Someone crazy. Truly out of his mind.

DETECTIVE Or her mind.

COP1 Do you have any reason to suspect a woman?

DETECTIVE [shrug] I suspect everyone. How many bodies?

CORONER Four bodies. And one clinging to life.

DETECTIVE And the smell?

CORONER Rotting flesh. [long sniff] Been lying here several days, if I don't miss my guess.

MUSIC

end

once more, we return to the world of zombies....

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson

[warning - foul language]

*******************************************************************

Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D.

Cast List Fred - Leonard Streeper June - Melissa Bartell Dill - Mark Olson Chambers - Dave Marshall Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole Landon Frost - Chris Barnes Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson Doctor - James Sedgwick Nurse - Rachel Cavic Interviewer - Russell Gold

Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com Cover art by Julie Hoverson

INTERLUDES: Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard New Year's Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis Life Insurance - Joe Stofko Big Bob's - Richard Summers Lecturer - Robert Cudmore Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean "Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett Edna's Chum - M. Siero Garcia Scam - Rick Lewis Zombie Lib - Derek Koch Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can't you tell?"

***************************************************************************************

Project Top Hat

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Landon Frost, TV show host

Pamela Frost, his wife

Fred and June

Doctor Plasmus, top researcher

Chambers - executive

Dill - less important executive

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND computer and lab noises

LANDON [on TV] I'm Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z word," we'll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog's kibble.

FRED How can they feed zombies to dogs?

JUNE Ambulates make the food - prepare it. It's illegal to terminate them without "just cause."

FRED As opposed to "just cuz"? [laughs]

JUNE Hah. That's what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited.

LANDON [TV] You'll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I'll be tucked up at home with my family.

JUNE He's always busy. Hardly ever gets to see them.

FRED Oh, boo-hoo. This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy?

JUNE Don't forget taking his shirt off... [chuckle] But he's also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela.

FRED So? He could retire.

JUNE Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF

FRED [muttered exclamation] Oh shit!

SOUND CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE

LANDON [TV] I'll be meeting my wife in secret at‑‑

SOUND SWITCH, TV OFF

DILL [coming in talking] We should be able to improve the bottom line.

CHAMBERS AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability. We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray's...

DILL Unfortunate accident?

CHAMBERS [grim] Breakdown.

DILL Ah.

CHAMBERS I need your personal guarantee this won't come back to bite us in the butt.

DILL If it does, my butt will have your back.

CHAMBERS What?

DILL uh... nothing. Dr. Plasmus is expecting us.

CHAMBERS Plasmus? What kind of a name is that?

DILL Dunno. I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets". Look what they've done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months.

CHAMBERS [favorably impressed] MMmm.

DILL And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat!

SOUND DOOR OPENS

SOUND MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

TV DUDE [ON TV] Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates?

ZOMBIE Grr.

OLD LADY [pleased] Cricket!

TV DUDE Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own?

ZOMBIE2 [weird noise]

MAN [smug] Cricket.

TV DUDE Would you ever have them in the house without it?

WOMAN Around my kids? Forget it!

KIDS Just CRICKET!

TV DUDE Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line.

TV DUDE [quiet, rushed] Results may vary. Some side effects may occur. No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product. Not available in all areas. [up] Get Cricket today! Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation.

SOUND MUSIC

SOUND WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN

SOUND ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES

PLASMUS You're early.

DILL Uh, no. It's - um - six?

PLASMUS It is? Hmm. Well, just let me finish this, and--

SOUND BIG ZAP

CHAMBERS What are you working on?

PLASMUS Shh!

DILL [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn't multitask.

CHAMBERS What?

SOUND ONE FINAL ZAP

PLASMUS Done. He means I do not work and talk. When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole.

CHAMBERS Uh, right. So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now?

DILL Gestalt isn't--

CHAMBERS I KNOW.

PLASMUS It was a bit of a joke? [small dry chuckle] Am I right?

CHAMBERS Yeah.

PLASMUS I thought as much. I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped. Oh well. Could be MUCH worse. I could have an atrophied hippocampus! [laughs riotously]

DILL Uh, yeah. [toady laugh]

CHAMBERS That would be unfortunate, indeed.

PLASMUS [stops laughing suddenly] But you are not here for pleasantries. You are here to see what I have wrought!

CHAMBERS Aha! So that's the smell in here.

PLASMUS What?

CHAMBERS Rot?

PLASMUS [laughs]

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE to TV

LANDON What the fuck do you think you're doing? You can't have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat'ry brush! They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off? Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your fucking kibble?

SOUND MUSIC

DILL So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint]

PLASMUS Have you forgotten the name again?

DILL [uncomfortable] No. no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory.

PLASMUS You should have warned me. [sigh] It is project top hat for a very simple reason--

SOUND METAL CLANK

CHAMBERS It looks like a top hat. Original.

DILL And what does it do...? [hinting]

PLASMUS Stop doing that.

DILL Sorry.

PLASMUS [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things.

DILL [muttered] Zombies want things too. That's part of the problem.

PLASMUS Shush. It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood".

CHAMBERS None of this is news.

PLASMUS I am setting it up. So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn't that improve their value?

CHAMBERS [interested] Yessss....

DILL Of course.

PLASMUS So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse's brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands.

CHAMBERS You specify "Corpse"?

PLASMUS [pleased] Ah, you caught that. [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate.

DILL You've seen the courtroom reality shows.

MUSIC

COURT REPORT We'll catch the plaintiff as she leaves. Missus Feinman, Missus Feinman? How do you feel about the jury's ruling?

MISSUS Act of god, my eye! My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he's stuck.

MISTER [zombie moan]

MISSUS I can't even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies. [sniffles]

COURT REPORT [bland] You have our sympathy, I'm sure. In just a moment, we'll speak to the doctor and his attorney.

MUSIC

PLASMUS So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects.

CHAMBERS And--?

PLASMUS Remove the head. Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it.

CHAMBERS You remove the head? [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh. The Top Hat.

PLASMUS I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive. Yes. The unit replaces the so-called "mind", by which we truly mean the physical brain, giving the animated carcass sensory input, all the while leaving complete control with the human controller.

CHAMBERS Can the body re-animate, without the head?

PLASMUS Do you know how the ambi-twist works?

CHAMBERS The what?

DILL [muttered] The T virus.

PLASMUS No, no! That is a trademarked name and cannot be used without possible reprisal!

DILL Sorry! That's what most people [call it].

PLASMUS I don't want to hear it! Besides, the ambi-twist does not make ravenous beasts. Animates are gentle. Like kittens.

MUSIC

COMMERCIAL

AMB GROCERY SHOPPING

SUSY Gee, mommy, Rolf pushes the cart real well, don't he?

MOMMY That reminds me! We need to pick up some chum!

ROLF [eager zombie noise]

SUSY He knows THAT word!

ANNOUNCER Of course he does, but can he tell the difference between Champion Chum and the bargain brand?

MOMMY Is there a difference?

ANNOUNCER Just ask Rolf!

ROLF [sticky zombie eating noises]

SUSY [laughing] Oh Rolf!

ANNOUNCER Every zombie, every day, chooses Champion brand chum!

MUSIC

CHAMBERS They're tame enough with the cricket. If they were naturally docile, we wouldn't need it.

PLASMUS And with the top hat, there will be no need for the cricket. Let me show you.

SOUND CAGE OPENS

CHAMBERS [horrified reaction] Oh!

DILL ugh [bland]

PLASMUS This stray dog was humanely euthanized, and the top hat was immediately attached--

SOUND COMPUTERIZED BARK

PLASMUS We had to use a fairly large dog, so the top hat unit wouldn't overbalance it. It was designed for a human frame--

SOUND COMMOTION OUTSIDE

PLASMUS What is this?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

JACKIE All of you! Over by the wall! [to june and fred] Get in there!

FRED Right, of course.

JUNE Excuse me. Just - um - going through.

CHAMBERS Who the devil are you?

JACKIE I'm the one with the gun! And I said over by the wall!

DILL She means it. Move it! Move it move it move it....

PLASMUS But the dog--

SOUND COMPUTERIZED BARK

SOUND GUN SHOT INTO CEILING

JACKIE And don't get any funny ideas. I'm not alone.

CHAMBERS [reasonable and placating] Tell us what you want.

JACKIE [almost a yell] I want you all over by that wall!

SOUND COMPUTERIZED BARK

DILL Already here!

JUNE Me too!

PLASMUS Allow me to-- [take the dog]

JACKIE Leave that poor thing!

SOUND COMPUTERIZED BARK

JACKIE That is exactly the kind of horrid monster we're here to put an end to.

PLASMUS Ah. Activists. [chuckling]

CHAMBERS Don't mock the woman with the gun!

PLASMUS Oh. Of course.

JACKIE And what's behind here?

PLASMUS No! Don't! It's not ready yet!

CHAMBERS What IS it?

SOUND CURTAIN OPENS

JACKIE Mother of god!

MUSIC SCENE CHANGE, AND then WUSSY

POPSTAR I know all of you have heard and most of you have enjoyed my hit single "walking away with my heart" about the plight of the ambulate.

ZOMBIE [pathetic moan]

POPSTAR Too many of these poor once-human creatures are abused, neglected, and sometimes even abandoned to fend for themselves - forced to sell their bodies, bit by horrible bit, for the chum they need to survive. Can't you spare just a little - the price of a cup of coffee - to help?

MUSIC

CHAMBERS Just tell us your demands, and let's get on with this.

JACKIE [horrified] What have you done to this man?

PLASMUS It is not a man. It is a corpse.

JACKIE It's moving.

PLASMUS There's no one there. As you can see, the computer has taken the place of its entire head, thus removing all chance of--

CHAMBERS [hissed, annoyed] You didn't say you'd already done this to a human - [correcting himself] a human corpse, that is.

PLASMUS I simply hadn't got to that part of the presentation, yet.

JACKIE [distracted and horrified] But why?

FRED Hi-YAH!

SOUND THUMP, SCUFFLE

DILL Wow.

SOUND GUN GOES OFF

DILL Stay back!

JUNE [indecisive but encouraging] Get her, Fred!

SOUND SCUFFLE ENDS

FRED Got her.

PLASMUS Can I have her as a specimen?

JACKIE You can't do that to me!

PLASMUS Of course we could. We simply record that you died in an attack on our security, and your corpse will be ...recycled.

JACKIE NO!

CHAMBERS That's a bit much, isn't it?

PLASMUS [quiet] Drat. [up] Heh-heh. Of course. Just a bit of - intimidation. Hah. Hah.

DILL Right.

PLASMUS What this young lady doesn't seem to understand is that there are many people who don't wish to return as a shambling, slow, and stupid ambulate. Many would rather know that their mind - their "soul" - had been allowed to pass on.

JACKIE How the hell do you think you're doing that?

PLASMUS Cutting off the head. The body is still useful - as you can see. It can be of service to the living.

JACKIE The soul isn't in the brain. The soul is - the soul. It will stay around no matter what.

PLASMUS [derisive laugh]

MUSIC

SOUND PARTY!

BRANDON And we're here on the dead side with the new years crowd! They start a week early, since they know it'll take 'em that long to arrive! Whoo!

ARIA And the hottest thing this year is head swaps!

BRANDON [prompting, not really questioning] Head swaps, Aria?

ARIA That's right, Brandon! You know how zombies can cut off and attach body parts? They recently discovered that they can swap heads! They say it's totally the ultimate!

BRANDON Unless they sew it on backwards! Man, that would be a pain in the ass!

ARIA Yeah, but at least you could see your ass!

BOTH [LAUGH]

MUSIC

CHAMBERS Where's security when you need them?

JUNE I just called them, sir. Apparently, they've had a number of ...insurrections.

DILL Must be how she slipped by.

JACKIE You won't get anything from me!

PLASMUS I suppose you two will have to take her to the security office for detention.

FRED Gotcha.

JUNE Oh, me? Oh all right.

SOUND SHE CROSSES

JUNE What was it she was looking at, anyway? [horrified gasp!]

PLASMUS What's wrong?

JUNE [too quick, very nervous] Nothing! I just thought it - he - it - moved.

PLASMUS Nonsense. I haven't even woken the unit yet. Get along.

JUNE [still nervous] Yes, yes of course! Come on!

FRED What's wrong?

JUNE [growl] Post traumatic stress! Get moving!

SOUND THEY LEAVE

PLASMUS Some people simply cannot handle pressure. Come have a look at my human automaton.

CHAMBERS [slightly suspicious] He looks ... fresh.

DILL Nice physique!

CHAMBERS You didn't - uh - kill him, did you, doc?

PLASMUS [laughs flatly] No. He was killed in a car wreck, this afternoon. His legs sustained some damage, but mostly superficial, and his head was completely severed.

CHAMBERS How did you get him so quickly? The notice to the family won't even go through--

PLASMUS [pissed] I could not wait for petty family concerns when this perfect specimen fell into my very lap! And he is perfect!

DILL Ew.

PLASMUS So I snatched him out of the hospital upstairs. Besides. He is an organ donor.

MUSIC

INSURANCE Do you wonder about your insurance coverage? Concerned that you may some day cease to be human, and therefore void your policy? We here at Practical Undead National Trust can fix that for you. For only a few dollars a day, you, too, can have coverage that extends beyond the expiration of the body.

MUSIC

SOUND HALLWAY, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS

FRED Whew. Should we go back, do you think?

JUNE [still bothered] I - I don't know.

FRED OK, what's going on?

JUNE Oh, Fred! This is horrible!

FRED It was just a gun. I don't think she would have shot either of us anyway.

JUNE Not that.

FRED Then what?

JUNE That body back in the lab? That perfectly sculpted torso? Did you see that tattoo on the shoulder?

FRED Not my type. Sorry.

JUNE [very important and horrible] THAT was‑‑ [cut off with a gasp]

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MUSIC

LANDON [outside, loud over background noise] You would think this was a prime place for ambulates - garbage reclamation.

SOUND CRUNCHING EQUIPMENT

LANDON They don't mind bad smells, can't catch diseases -- and yet, most of the workers hired on at this particular municipal tip don't stay. Let's find out why.

MUSIC

CHAMBERS [gritted teeth] What do we do if there's a lawsuit?

PLASMUS [shrug] If they push it, there is an incinerator in the basement, and as long as we first remove the computer unit, the organic evidence could be reduced to ashes in a matter of hours.

CHAMBERS [annoyed, but not knowing] Do you even know who this person - corpse - is?

PLASMUS [shrug] I read the driver's license. Why?

DILL [confident] We'll fabricate records. Show it was cremated by mistake. Apologize. Give the widow some ashes and a check.

CHAMBERS Sounds like you've done this before.

DILL [smug] Things... happen.

MUSIC

BOB Come on down to Big Bob's bob-o-rama for the finest in pre-owed ambulates! We have 'em all from this big brute for heavy lifting--

ZOMBIE [deep moan]

BOB To this hot little number, [hinting] nice for in-house work.

GIRL ZOMBIE [sexy moan?]

BOB Come on down this weekend, and my own gramma, an ambulate herself, will be here with her special milk and cookies! Trade-ins are always given full greybook value.

MUSIC

NURSE I'm so sorry. There's been a little mixup. He's... um... missing.

PAMELA [low snarl] As god is my witness, if my husband's body turns up somewhere - anywhere - on a celebrity zombie show, I will personally sue you, the hospital, Tammuz, and anyone else our lawyers can think of!

NURSE But I--

DOCTOR What seems to be the problem?

PAMELA Are you the person I should be screaming at?

DOCTOR Well, I don't know about that--

PAMELA Then you best point me at the right one, since some screaming is well overdue.

DOCTOR Just tell me - calmly - what this is about.

NURSE It's her husband.

PAMELA My husband's BODY, you mean! [starting to move from anger into tears] I was informed of his accident, that he was declared [suppressed sob] dead at the scene, and when I come to claim him... [deep breath, furious snarl] He's missing.

NURSE I'm sure it's just a paperwork snafu.

PAMELA AND I know how some of you bastards are about selling celebrity corpses! Don't think you can pull that crap on me!

DOCTOR Celebrity? What was -uh, is - your husband's name?

MUSIC

SOUND ZOMBIE MOAN

LANDON This fucking pisses me off no end - look at that poor bastard.

SOUND ZOMBIE MOAN

LANDON Look at this hand. Three fingers gone, from a bloody hazardous environment. [up] They may not be human any more, but you sons-of-bitches still have to look after these beggars!

MUSIC

JUNE Landon Frost!

FRED What?

JUNE I swear it was! It's the snowflake on his shoulder. He got it for his wife!

FRED Oh. That can't be good. Should we ... tell them?

JUNE Well...he IS dead. Nothing'll change that.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, MANY FEET COME STORMING IN

PAMELA I already have Landon's private security at all your exits, and will personally go through each and every room until I find him - so you might as well hand him over.

DOCTOR But, but..

PAMELA First, you are taking Big bill, here, and I down to your bloody incinerator -and don't try to tell me you don't have one.

DOCTOR Why?

PAMELA So no one has access to destroy the [falters] the ...evidence.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, THEY PASS OUT AGAIN

FRED Is that--?

JUNE [fatalistic] Oh boy!

MUSIC

LECTURER We must stop treating ambulates as objects and start treating them as people - people very nearly like you and me. With a bit of practice, anyone can speak clearly and slowly enough for a zombie to pick up on it.

SOUND ZOMBIE MOAN

LECTURER If we could only follow the moans and groans of a group of zombies, I'm sure complete and fascinating conversations are going on, right under our disinterested human noses.

MUSIC

DILL [on phone] So soon? Well, I guess we move on to plan B. [pause] She is? [upset] oh.

SOUND PHONE DOWN

CHAMBERS What is it?

DILL I - they--

PLASMUS Quiet, please! Time to turn it on!

DILL This may actually be a very bad... thing

SOUND A COUPLE OF ZAPS

SOUND RUSTLE

CHAMBERS Is that it?

PLASMUS Do you need me to shout "it's alive"?

LANDON [computer noise, not quite speech]

DILL Ohhhh boy.

CHAMBERS Does that thing make it able to talk?

LANDON [machine, more gobbledygook]

PLASMUS Ambulates have always been able to talk. They simply operate on a much slower scale than we do. It is something about the brain synapses, the ambi-twist simply cannot get them back to normal speed.

DILL [prompt] They're how much slower than humans?

PLASMUS I said not to do that.

DILL I was just asking,. Really.

PLASMUS They operate somewhere between 20 and 50% slower than humans. That is why they have to be spoken to slowly.

LANDON [machine] Fuck you!

PLASMUS [chuckles] Or not.

DILL [gasp] Is it supposed to do that?

CHAMBERS I thought you said that removing the head should negate the personality.

PLASMUS I'm sure it is just something programmed in. My computer expert has quite a sense of humor.

LANDON [machine] What the hell is going on?

PLASMUS [worried now] Or... not.

DILL This was supposed to make it docile!

CHAMBERS At least the thing is tied down.

SOUND RIP OF RESTRAINTS

PLASMUS [frightened] Or... not!

MUSIC

TEACHER Turn to page 40. The chapter on the ambi-twist. Amy, will you start?

[grade school students, who read more or less well]

AMY The ambi-twist was a genetic modification first pioneered by Tammuz Corporation.

BOBBY With the best of intentions, this benevolent corporation was trying to help people.

CORA To overcome the issues with tissue rejection and make transplants one hundred percent successful.

DESMOND But the ambi-twist went a bit awry.

[after a pause]

ELLIE [whispered] You have to read more.

DESMOND nuh-uh. Not my fault it's a short sentence.

ELLIE Fine! [ahem] The ambi-twist altered the genetic makeup of the intended cells, yes, but it did not stop there, instead running amok through the entire body and giving the cells a life of their own.

FRANK Most of the population now carries the ambi-twist virus, which has little to no effect on them ... during their lifetime.

DESMOND [spooky noise] ooo-OO-oo

EVERYONE [joking zombie groans]

MUSIC

NOTE LANDON IS COMPUTERIZED FROM HERE ON OUT

LANDON Why so gob-smacked? Where the fuck am I?

SOUND THUMP GETTING OUT OF BED, FOOTSTEPS

PLASMUS This is very bad.

DILL It's coming over. Let me guess, it can see and hear through the computer unit too?

PLASMUS [wry] Of course. What use is a unit that bumps into walls and can't follow orders?

LANDON Is anyone planning to answer me?

CHAMBERS Look, you. You've died and are now property. Just lay back and shut up.

DILL Oh boy.

LANDON No, you look here, you lump of festering dog turd! If I were dead, and I don't believe it for a minute - I have very specific contingencies in my will.

PLASMUS [chuckles] Speaking of contingencies--

SOUND SHOTGUN RACKING

PLASMUS I would call this experiment a conditional success.

SOUND SHOTGUN BLAST

MUSIC

HUSHED MC And the ambulate "Gracie's darling" is now approaching the steps. This is a level three hazard, since it typically takes an ambulate several tries. Oh! She's on the first step! Very nicely corrected a stumble and managed to stick the second step. Ah, but she's faltering -- Momentum can only carry one SO far, and this is where balance truly comes into play. [gareth bowley]

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT

CHAMBERS Holy cow!

PLASMUS [gleeful] Did you see how fast it was?

DILL You mean when it walked off with your shotgun? I thought we were done for!

CHAMBERS Looked like it nearly took your hand off, too.

PLASMUS [dismissive] It's broken, It's fine. [up] We must follow it!

CHAMBERS Get security on all the doors!

DILL On it.

PLASMUS Try not to hurt it!

CHAMBERS Belay that order. Take that thing down at all costs. And definitely before it leaves the building!

MUSIC

SURVIVALIST1 I don't care how many times they take this feed down and report me - I ain't gonna stand by and let them goddamn walking dead take over. Since every one of us as dies turns into one of them, ain't no way we can keep ahead unless we thin the herd a bit.

SURVIVALIST2 Hell yeah. Now on the chart behind me, you see a human--

SURVIVALIST1 or zombie--

SURVIVALIST2 right, "or zombie," body with various areas marked in red. Those are your standard targets, right there. The head is, of course, the primary, since the bastards won't stop walking without that being gone.

SURVIVALIST1 Even that don't put 'em down right away, but if you can get it GONE--

SURVIVALIST2 Sure is funny to watch them bump into walls, in't it?

BOTH [laugh]

MUSIC

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND ALARMS, RUNNING FEET IN DISTANCE

JUNE Why do I suddenly feel like a job change?

FRED I'll help with the resume. Let's scat.

SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH

JUNE Oh shit! [dragging him out of the way] Over here!

LANDON Run, you little buggers! I'll blow your fucking pop stand wide open!

FRED Holy crap!

JUNE Ssh! Maybe it won't notice us!

LANDON What are you looking at?

FRED Too late!

JUNE Please don't hurt us!

LANDON Hurt? HURT? I'm going to ruin you snotty little gits!

FRED Ruin, I can live with.

SECURITY Stop right there!

SOUND ASSORTED ZOMBIE MOANS

JUNE Sock troops!

LANDON [machine] Is this some kind of a sick joke? Turning THEM against ME?

SECURITY Lay down the weapon and come along quietly, Top Hat.

FRED Top hat? What is he, a Batman villain?

MUSIC

MOVIE ANNOUNCER He was a normal boring man.

NORMAL MAN Hey honey - be late tonight.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER With a normal boring Life.

NORMAL MAN Yes, sir, I can get that done for you this afternoon.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER Until the day he died.

NORMAL MAN Excuse me - I feel - my chest - urk.

SOUND THUMP, DROP PHONE, ERROR TONE

MOVIE ANNOUNCER Now he was to work his way back to the top, against all odds... Coming soon--

NORMAL MAN [zombie moan]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER --A NORMAL MAN starring Justin Bieber and an undead Jim Carrey.

MUSIC

JUNE [up, yelling] We're not with him!

LANDON Toady.

JUNE We DO work at Tammuz.

LANDON This is Tammuz?

SECURITY You have a count of 5 to put down the shotgun. ONE. [continues] TWO. THREE. FOUR.

FRED Haven't you noticed the logo everywhere?

LANDON My vision is ... strange. [musing] Tammuz. The one place I could never get into...

FRED Not surprising.

SECURITY FIVE! Get him!

JUNE They won't shoot in here - too many things might blow up.

LANDON What? Helping me?

JUNE I love - loved your show.

LANDON Don't be surprised if I'm back on the air soon.

SOUND HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

FRED Ow!

JUNE What the heck?

SECURITY I said get him, you maggoty turds! Why are you stopping?

LANDON huh. Funny how I knew to do that.

MUSIC

NOTE Ad also plays, under, at very slow speed - for the ambulates watching.

EDNA Edna's chum on the go! Whenever you're out and about, and no time to get home and feed the ambulate in your life, drop round to Edna's Chum. We have the best quality, tastiest chum around - hot and fresh, just like mother might have made. Available for dine-in, drive through and even delivery!

MUSIC

PLASMUS They have him cornered in sector five, west corridor! Checkpoint X-14. I must reclaim the unit after they take the body down.

SOUND PHONE RINGS

DILL I'll catch up. You guys go on ahead.

CHAMBERS Hah! You're not weaseling out that easily.

DILL One sec [to phone] Yeah? Oh brilliant. That's just the cherry on top.

SOUND HANGS UP CELL

DILL [annoyed] Guess what?

PLASMUS [threat] I have a taser here somewhere--

DILL Okay! Okay! There's a woman upstairs demanding her husband's body. And because this night isn't deep enough in the shit, I have a feeling she's related to--

CHAMBERS Oh IS she? [chuckles] We might be seeing daylight. Come on.

MUSIC

NIGERIAN SCAM With reverence I am contacting you. I hope you will overlook my poor typistry. I am a recently deceased individual that managed to conceal a large sum of money before joining rank one of the walking dead.

MUSIC

SECURITY Tell me you saw that, too.

FRED You mean how he just, like, whistled and all the zombies trotted off after him like the pied piper of Hamlet?

JUNE Hamlin.

SECURITY Yeah, that. Good. Now when I make my report, you two can back me up.

FRED Oh, uh-- We were actually leaving.

SECURITY I don't think so.

JUNE Not Leaving leaving. We have to get back to our -uh- posts.

SECURITY That's different. I'll give you an escort.

FRED Oh, boy.

SOUND DISTANT FOOTSTEPS

PAMELA You! You there! I want a word with you!

FRED Us?

JUNE Him. you.

SECURITY Oh, me. Yes ma'am?

PAMELA You look like someone in charge here. You will tell me where my husband's body is!

JUNE Oh that. He went thataway.

PAMELA WHAT?

MUSIC

ZOMBIE LIB If you can understand this, you are one of us, my zombie brother or sister. Come to the house with three crescent moons over the door, and we will guide you safely to our side of the wall. Liberty for all!

MUSIC

SOUND SHOTGUN SHOT INTO CEILING

LANDON I'm done fucking around. You let us past, or the next shot brings you to OUR bloody side!

COP I can't! I-- the door is on autolock! Please, uh, mister - I got a wife and kids--

LANDON You stupid little shit! I have - had a wife to, but whatever genius did this--

PAMELA [off a bit] Landon?

LANDON Oh my god. Pamela?

PAMELA What did they-- [more concerned than panic] your head!

LANDON It's some insane experiment. I'm dead.

PAMELA You can still see and hear me? [wonder] But you're not slowed?

LANDON Yes, I--

[REMEMBER STUPID ZOMBIE DOG ALL THIS TIME]

COP Sorry, sir, but I have to--

SOUND SHOT

ZOMBIEDOG Leaps in the way of the bullet, body drops and hat goes flying,

COP Oh, shit.

LANDON Give me a minute, dear.

PAMELA [furious] Give me your gun.

LANDON No need.

SOUND WHISTLE

ZOMBIES [attack]

COP I was - I didn't - oh!

LANDON Poor stupid animal.

PAMELA If not for that thing, you'd be dead.

LANDON I'll take this.

SOUND PICKS UP TOP HAT

CHAMBERS [coming in] No, we'll take that. Both of them, in fact.

MUSIC

ZOMBIE MAN Look at me. Now look at your zombie. Now look back at me. Your zombie will never look as good as me, but it can smell as good as me, with special deodorant soap from--[danar?]

MUSIC

FRED [quiet] back away, quietly.

JUNE [quiet] If we can just get past the corner...

LANDON Who the fuck do you think you are?

FRED Helps that he's keeping their attention.

CHAMBERS We're the owners of that gadget you're currently wearing, and we want it back. YOU, on the other hand, are expendable.

LANDON And you think I'm afraid of your gun? If anyone knows how durable the undead are, I should bloody well think it was me.

FRED [quiet] I'm clear!

JUNE Just a bit more...

SOUND GUNSHOT

CHAMBERS The next one goes into HER.

JUNE [off] Her? [gasp, then relieved] Oh - her - his wife.

LANDON You wouldn't.

PLASMUS You might want to consider--

CHAMBERS Shut up - this is all your fault anyway.

PLASMUS But--

LANDON Get behind me, dearest.

PAMELA He can't be mad enough to shoot me!

CHAMBERS Oh, I'm flipping furious, lady!

LANDON She doesn't mean that kind of "MAD", you festering moronic baboon!

MUSIC

INTERVIEWER We have an interview with someone actually on the scene. What precisely was going on?

JUNE It was pandemonium! The ambulates were just walking away after the ... uh, stranger.

Interviewer Like the pied piper of hamlin?

JUNE Or like spartacus.

FRED And when Mr. Chambers - I mean the defendant - shot Mrs. Frost--

JUNE We're not supposed to talk about that!

FRED That's why they're pixilating our faces, isn't it?

JUNE That's next week's interveiw - this one is live!

FRED Oh shit. Oh!

INTERVIEWER Now that you've started, you might as well finish. What happened next?

JUNE [exasperated sigh] There goes our exclusive!

MUSIC

SOUND GUNSHOT

LANDON Bastards!

SOUND HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

SOUND ZOMBIE MOANS IN RESPONSE

LANDON [snarl] Bring me THAT one!

PLASMUS Which? Oh!

CHAMBERS Stay back!

PAMELA [expiring] Landon? It hurts!

LANDON Hold on, dearest. Keep breathing.

SOUND GUNSHOT

SOUND ZOMBIE MOANS

CHAMBERS Get out of my way, you maggots!

FRED Come ON, June!

JUNE I have to see how it ends!

SOUND GUN SHOT

JUNE [gasp] Or not!

SOUND ZOMBIES MOAN

PLASMUS Let go! don't touch me! Ew! Does anyone have some purell?

PAMELA [very weak] Landon? What- [gasp] what are you thinking?

LANDON Is it hard to implant the top hat device?

PLASMUS It's quite simple really - the connections are made remotely inside the wiring, so the longer it is on, the more enmeshed the interfaces become--

LANDON Take this.

SOUND CLANG OF DOG'S UNIT

PLASMUS What do you--? [realizing] Oh.

MUSIC

INTERVIEWER But the zombies didn't harm Mr. Chambers?

JUNE He wanted - Landon wanted for him to stand in a human court for trial.

FRED He said something about rotting in hell, but his accent was getting really thick.

JUNE He was crying!

FRED He's a computer. I mean, the voice, at least, is computerized. Why would it get choked up?

INTERVIEWER [to camera] Even now, Chambers is standing trial for the murder of Mrs. Pamela Frost. While the videographic evidence is very convincing, the lack of an actual body has been a point hammered on by the defense.

MUSIC

SOUND CRACKLE of STATIC, THEN FOCUS

SOUND [both are clearly computerized]

LANDON Can't broadcast too long, don't want you to trace us.

PAMELA We want to reach out to everyone who has been affected by the blight that is Tammuz.

LANDON Know this - relief is coming soon. For now, just walk away, wherever you are. We'll find you.

PAMELA And Merry Christmas, everyone.

SOUND HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

SOUND ZOMBIE MOANS FILL SOUNDSCAPE

END