19 Nocturne Boulevard

With a city manager (much like alexa/amazon prime - it delivers anything ordered) handling all New York City's needs, how can things go wrong?

oh, and it's Julie's birthday...

Ben and Mia, young zombies in love, search for the perfect xmas present in a world of the walking dead.

Cast List

Mia - Brenda Dau Ben - Derek M. Koch of Mail Order Zombie Geek - Glen Hallstrom Tick - Frankenvox Chuck - Bob Noble Andy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Doris - Julie Hoverson Sheri - Crystal Thomson Ted - J. Spyder Isaacson Voicebox - Beverly Poole Fred & Bob - Big Anklevich & Rish Outfield of Dunesteef Audio Magazine Ben's Double - Danar Hoverson Mia's Double - Julie Hoverson

Other zombies: Al Aseoche, Jacquie Duckworth, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Jack Hosley, Sidney Williams, Glen Hallstrom, Bob Noble, Brian Weingartner, Ferguson and family, Robyn Keyes, Kim Poole, Michael Hudson.

Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com) Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment on the wrong side of town, can't you tell?"

********************************************************************************************

GIFT OF THE ZOMBI

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Mia, zombie (20s) dating Ben

Ben, zombie (20s) dating Mia

Ted, zombie (30s), Mia's horny neighbor

Andy, henpecked zombie (40s)

Doris, Andy's wife (40s)

Geek, a broker (30s)

Sheri, a lovelorn friend (20s)

Tick, an unscrupulous intact (human, 30s)

Fred, a zombie (any)

Bob, another zombie (any)

Chuck, overseer zombie (any)

Voicebox - mechanical translator

ALL ZOMBIES (unless noted as exceptions, below) have dual vocal tracks - the "zombie-voice" track, which is unintelligible, but vaguely mirrors the normal voice and events, and the "mind voice" (sounds like a voiceover), which is how they sound to each other.

/n = normal"mind voice"

/z = "zombie voice"

There are places where we only hear the zoombie voice.

Exceptions:

DORIS has no "mind voice", just incoherent shrieks

GEEK only has a zombie voice, but he is clearly understandable, if still zombie-like

TICK is human, and has no zombie-voice.

NOTE: The zombie apocalypse has come and been dealt with more or less. Zombies might still attack humans, if they see them, but humans tend to live in the walled cities and have become somewhat mythological to the zombies outside.

Zombies still are self-aware, but they think and speak so very slowly that they are difficult for humans to understand. Conversely, to a zombie, humans seem to speak incredibly fast - almost incomprehensibly so. That's why humans developed the voicebox to take what they say and slow it down enough for a zombie to understand.

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a crumbling apartment building, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SCENE 1. MIA'S APARTMENT

SOUND WIND-UP ALARM GOES OFF

SOUND FLIES IN THE B/G THROUGHOUT

MIA/Z [distant moan of awakening, which continues, sporadically, punctuating the narrative]

MIA/n I hate Mondays.

SOUND ALARM SLAPPED OFF TABLE, STOPS RINGING

SOUND STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS

MUSIC VAGUE WARPED CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS SOMEWHERE

MIA/n It doesn't help that it's two days til Christmas and I haven't got Ben his present.

MIA/z [roar of anger]

SOUND SOMETHING CRASHES TO FLOOR, GLASS BREAKS.

MIA/N The holidays just bring out the worst in me.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE

MIA/N [sigh] Checking my stitches in the mirror - nice to see nothing weird happened in the night. I love the hot pink against my pale skin. [beat] I know I'm swimming against the tide, but I still like to look nice, even when no one else gives a hang. They're welcome to run around unwashed, in raggedy-ass clothes, just leaves more Prada for me.

SOUND SPRAY CAN PSSHT, FLIES STOP, TINY DROPPING NOISES

MIA/n A little spray - no water, that's just asking for mold - and I'm ready to face the day.

SOUND [under the next] SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS OUT OF BATHROOM AGAIN, STRUGGLES FEET INTO SHOES, NOW SHAMBLING FEET ARE IN HEELS.

MIA/n Ben's gift is the big problem. I know what I want to get him, but it won't come cheap. There just aren't that many floating around out there.

MUSIC

SCENE 2. OUTSIDE

SOUND NO TRAFFIC. JUST BIRDS, SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS, OR OCCASIONAL BREAKING THINGS.

SOUND STRUGGLE WITH OBJECTS, THINGS FALL AWAY

BEN/z [moans, fighting his way to his feet]

BEN/n [hungover sounding] Wow, what did I do last night?

BEN/z [shake head noise]

BEN/n Oh, crap - Mia'll be expecting me--

SOUND SHAMBLING FEET SPEED UP

BEN/n For all her persnickityness, Mia is totally the greatest babe around, and I am sooo lucky that I'm the one she's into. I figured for the longest time that she was just slumming with a grot like me - right up until we really did it. Went whole hog and did the handfast. It's like always having a piece of her with me.

[note: in this case, the handfast was actually trading hands. zombies can buy and sell body parts and trade them with one another]

ANDY/z [morning]

BEN/z [yo! How's it going?]

ANDY/z [falling moan, ending in a squeal]

BEN/n Don't I know it! Man, if ever a guy was whipped, Andy is the poster boy. He's gonna catch hell for not getting home to Doris last night. Almost tempting to stay and see the fray, but meeting Mia is the only thing on my maggoty little mind right now.

MUSIC

SCENE 3. MIA'S STAIRCASE

SOUND BODY FALLS DOWN STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY THE CLATTER OF A SHOE.

MIA/z [distraught moan]

MIA/n Darn stair carpet. Darn heels.

SOUND FEELING AROUND FOR THE SHOE AND PUTTING IT BACK ON

MIA/n Alas, vanity doesn't come cheap. Ben loves my little foibles. He understands why it matters so much to me, to be beautiful for him. Looking back at my pink stitches, almost tripping as I crane my neck to see, I wonder whether he will like them as much as I do.

SOUND SHAMBLING FEET IN HEELS AGAIN, ANOTHER SET OF FEET COMES ON

TED/z [moan approaches, vaguely suggestive]

MIA/z [dismissive moan]

MIA/n Not today, Ted. I don't have time for any of your nonsense.

TED/z [moan ending in a squeak/question]

MIA/n I'm with Ben, Ted. You know that. I'm not giving up what I have with him. He has my hand, and my promise. He even has my heart ... just in the old-fashioned way.

TED/z [mournful and pissed moan]

MIA/n Yeah, yeah, yeah - if you were the last one on earth, maybe.

MIA/z [roar/moan as she brushes him aside]

SOUND STUMBLING FEET QUICKLY TO DOOR, SLAMS OPEN, TUMBLES THROUGH

MIA/z [roar of triumph]

MIA/N First time!! [made it on the first try!] This is gonna be a great day!

MUSIC

SCENE 4. OUTSIDE, NEAR BEN

ANDY/z [cursing groan]

ANDY/n Come on, Ben. Doris likes you! If I say you needed my help, she'll buy it!

BEN/z [dismissive groan]

SOUND SHAMBLING FEET MOVING AWAY, STUMBLING AFTER

ANDY/z [dude]

ANDY/N Dude! Come on--

DORIS/z [distant strident squeal]

ANDY/n Oh, crap!

SOUND SOMETHING WET SPLATS ON PAVEMENT, THEN DISTANT FEET APPROACHING

ANDY/z [strange gurgling warble]

ANDY/n [sigh] I lose more tongues that way.

DORIS/z [strident squeal, closer]

MUSIC

SCENE 5. OUTSIDE NEAR MIA'S BUILDING

SOUND HIGH HEEL SHAMBLE

MIA/z [low moan]

GEEK/z [he speaks clear enough to understand, but still zombie-like] [hey, fingers!]

MIA/z [quizzical]

MIA/n Yeah, what's it to you?

GEEK/z [you got any to spare?]

MIA/n No! I like mine right where they are.

GEEK/z [get you a good price. Fingers are always top value.]

MIA/z [sharp moan of anger]

MIA/n Look - these five are my boyfriend's, and this one says--

MIA/z [fuck you]

GEEK/z [you'll be back [louder] they always come back!!]

MIA/n Damn parts brokers - [jealous] always have the best tongues.

MUSIC

SCENE 6. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

[note: throughout the rest of the show, unless otherwise noted, appropriate zombie noises play under]

MIA [calling] Hey babycakes!

BEN [off] Yo sweet thang!

SOUND PLODDING FOOTSTEPS COME TOGETHER

MIA Mm. Missed you!

BEN Double that.

SOUND DISGUSTING SLOPPY LICKY KISSY NOISES

MIA [mild slurp, then hot] You are such a good kisser.

BEN Don't know how I'd get up each day without you to look forward to.

MIA [giggles]

BEN Let's walk. Want to show you something.

MIA Oh? Well, I've got a little time before hitting the old treadmill.

BEN You know I'd support you if I could--

MIA I like looking after my own needs. [flirting] Leaves you to look after my wants.

BEN Ooh!

MUSIC

SCENE 7. OUTSIDE, NEAR STORE

SOUND PLODDING FEET

MIA I should have worn more convenient shoes.

BEN Sorry! Almost there.

MIA What is...it...? [awe] Oh!

BEN I thought you might say that. Just saw them. Of course, they're not cheap.

MIA [drooling -- zombie noises under get really slobbery] Patent leather, thigh high - oh, I'd never have to take them off!

BEN The heels aren't too high, are they?

MIA [sigh of ecstasy] I love stacks...

MUSIC

SCENE 8. OUTSIDE, Later

BEN [bummed] I was right, she loved the boots.

ANDY And how much did you say they were?

BEN More than I've had in living memory.

ANDY At any one time?

BEN EVER.

ANDY Woah. Well, suppose you can hit the mills like the rest of us schmoes - if you're truly that desperate.

BEN [scoff noise] The mills? It'd take me ten years - and they'd probably sell by then.

ANDY What, then? Go out snatching? That's pretty much your only other option.

BEN [sighs] I thought I might ask around, see what I could borrow--

ANDY Woah, there! You know Doris holds the purse strings!

BEN If I was going to snatch anyone, I'd snatch her - she's got enough body for three.

ANDY [musing] You know... That's not a bad idea.

BEN [disturbed] Serious?

ANDY Nah. I'd fall apart without her keeping me moving. I guess that's love.

BEN [agreeing hmph]

MUSIC

SCENE 9. TREADMILLS

SOUND HEAVY WHIRRING NOISE UNDER. DISTANT NORMAL STREET SOUNDS

MIA Hey!

OTHER ZOMBIES [Morning!] [nice to see you!] [Mia! Looking good!]

SOUND MANY PLODDING FEET

MIA Hey Chuck! Got a space?

CHUCK For you? Always, babe. Wanna lose the heels first?

MIA Brought my work shoes. Just need a moment at the bench.

CHUCK I'd offer to help, but...[chuckles] Thank god for velcro, eh?

MIA Hah! I have all my fingers.

CHUCK [chuckles] Coulda fooled me - [teasing] That looks like your fellow's hand...?

MIA [chuckles] Jealous?

MUSIC

SCENE 10. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

[note - Ben has zombie noises under, geek does not - he always sounds like a zombie trying to talk]

GEEK [Psst.]

BEN What?

GEEK [heard you were having some money troubles.]

BEN What's it to you?

GEEK [I might be able to help you with that.]

BEN I don't think so. I don't have anything I feel like selling.

GEEK [You got some extra fingers. An entire hand that looks... spare]

BEN No way. Man! That's - that's Mia's hand! I should smack you with it just for suggesting that!

GEEK [Hey! I don't want no trouble! I'm just a businessman!]

BEN [spits out the word] Businessman. You're a parts broker.

GEEK [Yeah, and we both know you come to me when you need something, then you spit on me when I try to help you out.]

SOUND SHUFFLING FEET START TO LEAVE

BEN Wait.

GEEK [what?]

BEN What - what's in high demand?

GEEK [What?]

BEN I mean, if I was... going to sell something ...just if... what would you be [reluctant, forcing the words out] paying the best prices for?

GEEK [[chuckles] See? When you need me--]

BEN Cut the crap and tell me.

GEEK [Appendages are always good. Fingers, noses, ears. And soft parts, like tongues and, uh.... [suggestive] you know.]

BEN [gulp]

GEEK [Toes not so much - most just get by without - unless you have a complete foot somewhere - those are collectible, but only in pristine condition. Eyes are pretty good, and you hardly need two.]

BEN What about parts that - aren't mine?

GEEK [Stolen parts? What makes you think I trade dirty?]

BEN Your type always does.

GEEK [[pissed again] My type? My type? I think you just talked yourself out of a good deal, pal.]

BEN Shit, I--

GEEK [incoherent roar, as he leaves]

MUSIC

SCENE 11. TREADMILL

AMB - underlying zombies moans, many many plodding feet

MIA [no specific moaning for this speech] Being on the treadmill gives you plenty of time to think. You stare at the back of the guy in front of you and wonder what's going through his head. Ben doesn't like the nine to five, but I figure - heck, you gotta do something, and if you feel the urge to walk, might as well get paid for it, right?

SOUND SOMEONE CLIMBS ON THE TREADMILL

[vocals have zombie noises under again]

TED Hey Mia!

MIA [sigh] Hi Ted.

TED Funny running into you here. Shove over?

MIA Right. Like I don't do this every day. No room.

SHERI Hey Mia! [warm] Hey Ted.

TED [dismissive] Sheri. [wheedling] Come on, Mia, squeeze in a little. There's space next to you if you make room.

MIA Sorry, Ted [she's not]. Been saving that for... Sheri.

SHERI Huh?

TED Sheri won't mind - will you?

SHERI I - I guess not...

MIA Oh, no Ted. We have girl talking to do. Bye-bye. Hop up Sheri.

TED Fine. See you at end of shift?

MIA [muttered] Not if I see you first.

SOUND TED FLOPS OFF

MIA [up] I don't know what you see in him, Sher.

SHERI Neither do I. Pheromones I guess.

MIA Well, he does smell.

SHERI [on an ecstatic sigh] Yes.

MIA [ugh] Hey, Sher, I gotta problem.

SHERI Oh? [horrified] You didn't... break up with Ben?

MIA No! Why would you say that?

SHERI Nothing.

MIA Did you hear something, or are you just worried that Ted might somehow luck out and catch me on the rebound?

SHERI Um. The second one.

MIA Kinda thought so. O-K, passing over your insecurity, can we discuss my problem?

SHERI [relieved] Sure!

MIA I found the perfect present for Ben, and I don't know how I'm gonna afford it.

SHERI You mean...um...what you said he's missing?

MIA Yeah. All his fleshy parts haven't lasted so well - I keep telling him that sleeping rough isn't good for him, but he hates being cooped up. Says being nibbled on by rats is preferable to a cage.

SHERI You live in a cage?

MIA He means an apartment.

SHERI Oh. Well, I'm sure he looks fine without one. You see plenty of missing ones out there every day.

[NOTE: they're discussing noses, but it makes it sound like something more suggestive]

MIA I know, but he would - well, from things he's said, he would actually LIKE one. Make him feel like a new man. I thought I might get him one of those artificial ones - you know, cast in plastic? In a skin tone, though - not one of those weird colored ones.

SHERI They're all the rage with the trendoids these days, the neon ones. I guess they figure if it's gonna look fakey, might as well make a statement. And some of them get freakishly big.

MIA Well, I found a place to get something real high quality. Won't look fake at all. They'll even tint it to match his skin. And it won't rot or fall off. Guaranteed to last. Not even a nibble.

SHERI It won't make him smell any better.

MIA No, but I get the feeling he would be more secure in our relationship if he - well - if he fit more the image he thinks I'd go for.

SHERI Someone with all their parts?

MIA Oh, heck. I'd love Ben with or without any number of parts, but he seems to think I'd like him better if he actually had a nose.

SHERI [hmm] I could maybe loan you a little--

MIA No, this guy charges a bunch. I'm actually tempted to sell a part or two - something I don't use, or not so much, you know?

SHERI Don't go there. Starts out simple, a finger here, an ear there, and then - voila! You end up checking people in at work like "Chuck, the torso" - stuck in admin cuz you got no limbs left. Or worse - that guy who talks out his neck since he woke up one morning and his head was gone.

MIA [sigh] You're probably right.

MUSIC

SCENE 12. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

AMB SLIGHT ECHO - AND A DRIP SOMEWHERE

SOUND FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER

[note Tick speaks slowly and has no zombie echo, Ben sounds completely zombie - no voice over - for this scene

TICK You looking for me?

BEN [gasp] [what?]

SOUND STUMBLE FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER

TICK Don't bother - just stand still.

BEN [you're a - an intact?]

TICK And you're a dead lump of shit, but maybe we can help each other.

BEN [moan of acceptance]

TICK Good. Now stay quiet while I tell you what we're doing here.

BEN [slurpy gasp]

TICK That's disgusting. But I need a heap like you to front for me. I have some... parts... to be disposed of, but I can't just wander into maggotville myself.

BEN [Why me?]

TICK My source says you're tough and desperate. And stupid.

BEN [stifled annoyed noise]

TICK So maybe he's wrong.

BEN [I am desperate]

TICK [snort] Fine. Here's the deal - I don't give a flying fluck about your crappy corpse cash. On the other hand, I like having folks - dead or alive - who owe me.

BEN [What you need from me?]

TICK I'll tell you when it comes up. Right now, I just need this bag of ... parts to vanish.

BEN [It's illegal.]

TICK [cajoling] They're nice and fresh. [impatient] Fine. Clock is ticking. Tick tock. Tick tock. You even remember what "time" is, maggot?

BEN [It's almost Christmas. [beat] I'll do it.]

MUSIC

SCENE 13. TREADMILL

SOUND TREADMILL, FEET PLODDING

SHERI You ever wonder what they do over there?

MIA [lost in a daze] Hmm? Over the wall?

SHERI Yeah. The [awed whisper] In-tacts?

MIA Don't know. Don't care. Except for when they come over here and drag off my friends, I say leave them alone.

SHERI But you do believe in them, don't you?

MIA Believe in them? What's to believe - we see them marching on the wall, and they're the ones who shell out for us to walk on this damn treadmill day and night. They're as real as ... as... shoes.

SHERI Some say we all came from in-tacts, way back when.

MIA [lightly sarcastic] Yes, and a wasp nest in your head is a sign of good luck and not just poor hygiene. I swear Sheri, you'll believe anything.

SHERI You believe they carry people off, though?

MIA Well, yeah - we've all seen that. They appear from nowhere, in those dark helmets and suits, and by the time you catch your breath, someone's vanished.

SHERI [awed] I saw one once.

MIA A kidnapping?

SHERI An in-tact.

MIA [half-teasing, half worried] You know, they say if you mentioned them three times, they'll appear out of thin air.

SHERI [agreeing, distant] They are really fast.

MIA [exasperated] Sheri! Don't--

SHERI I did, though! I really saw one. Not just in a suit and helmet like they usually are, but one right... up... close.

MIA [sighs, feels her pain] Tell me about it?

SHERI It was a guy, I think, and the funny part is he looked so much like a regular person. Just that he was so fast and he was - well - he had everything. His skin was perfect, no holes or anything, and it was this warm rosy color. I... yearned to touch him, but when I reached out, he turned and ran away.

MIA [uncertain] That...must have been ....weird.

SHERI [almost teary] It was like I saw an angel, and it saw something horrible in me.

MIA Oh, Sheri--

SHERI Maybe that's why Ted won't love me? Because I'm horrible inside?

MIA Aw, Sheri. [reassuring] We're all horrible inside. And if anyone's seen an angel here and not realized it, Ted's the one. He sees you every day and misses out every time he turns his back.

SHERI [sniff sniff]

MUSIC

SCENE 14. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

SOUND BAG PASSED WITH A SQUISH

GEEK [you sure you don't want any of them?]

BEN [upset] I... don't need any girl parts, thanks.

GEEK [Squeamish? All you had to do was lug a bunch of fresh merchandise here to my humble workshop.]

BEN I've never.... felt... they were so [disgusted] warm.

GEEK [Fresher just means it'll last longer. Nothing more. You want your pay or not?]

BEN [down] Yeah.

MUSIC

SCENE 15. TREADMILL

SHERI --you know that guy Sam I was dating?

MIA [worn down] Yeah?

SHERI And how he was always mouthing off about--

SOUND WHISTLE, END OF SHIFT

MIA [heartfelt] Oh yesss! What a relief!

SHERI [not getting it] Yeah! Let's go somewhere - I was in the middle of telling you about Sam.

MIA [almost panicky] Nah, save it for next time - I have to meet up with Ben.

SHERI It's so great to have someone to talk to while we walk - Tomorrow, same time?

MIA [transparently lying] Sure! Oh, no - wait - I promised I would do this thing with Ben tomorrow.

SHERI What thing?

MIA [panicky, trying to cover] You mean I didn't mention the thing? I--uh--

SOUND DISTANT ZOMBIE NOISES AND SCREAMS

SHERI What the--?

MIA Come on!

SOUND SLOW PLODDING. LARGE GROUP OF ZOMBIES GATHERING

MUSIC

SCENE 16. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

SOUND SLOW PLODDING, ONE SET OF FEET

ANDY [distant] Ben! Ben!

BEN [sigh]

SOUND PLODDING STOPS

BEN Yeah?

SOUND ANDY'S FEET APPROACH

ANDY [panicky] Ben, man, am I glad to see you - it's Doris! Jeez, she slipped and I think something's broken!

BEN [muttered] Lucky you. [up] What do you mean?

ANDY Her leg - it snapped and now she can't get up! What am I gonna do, Ben?

BEN Andy, Doris is such a--

ANDY I know I know. She gives me hell and treats me like a dog, but what can I do, Ben, I love her! You gotta help me. I'll do anything!

BEN Let me take a look.

MUSIC

SCENE 17. ALTERCATION

SOUND LOTS OF SHAMBLING FEET, MOANS

MIA What happened?

SHERI Where's everyone going?

FRED It's one of the overseers!

MIA An in-tact? What happened?

BOB I seen the whole thing! He fell off the wall and someone made a grab fer him!

SHERI Oh no!

FRED Oh, yeah! He's somewhere in the middle of the dogpile there.

MIA Isn't anyone helping?

BOB What are you, some kind of pervert? This is an [spits out the word] In-tact. [excited] They're tearing him apart!

MIA We should get out of here!

SHERI B-but - They're gonna kill him!

MIA [sad] I know, and there's nothing we can do about it. And we want to be out of here before they bring out the big guns.

SOUND DRAGGING, SHUFFLING AWAY FROM THE FRACAS

SHERI But what if he's that same one I saw before?

MIA By now - you probably wouldn't know him.

MUSIC

SCENE 18. ANDY'S PLACE

DORIS [squeals piteously]

BEN Yep, that's a bad one. Twisted all up like this.

ANDY Can't we do anything?

BEN I'm no reconstructor. Maybe some duct tape and a stick?

DORIS [Squeals angrily]

ANDY He's just trying to help, honeybuunny.

BEN Yeah, chill honeybunny.

DORIS [squeals again, sort, sharp, warning.]

ANDY [quiet] You gotta help me, Ben - you're the only one I can turn to!

BEN Jeez Andy... [sigh] You'll pay me back?

ANDY You know I'm good for it! Soon as that leg's on, we'll both hit the treads every day til we cover it.

BEN [down] Sure. I--

ANDY Yes?

BEN [muttered] I didn't like the way it felt anyway. [up] Here.

SOUND PACKAGE CHANGES SLOPPY HANDS

ANDY What - is it?

BEN Enough to get her fixed up - you might go ahead and get her a new tongue while you're at it.

ANDY [very quiet] Oh. No. Let's not go completely overboard...

MUSIC

SCENE 19. OUTSIDE, LATER, TOGETHER

SOUND OUTSIDE. SHUFFLING FEET APPROACH

MIA There you are - I was beginning to worry.

SOUND BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "ben relaxes"

BEN [oof, then] It's been a really... weird day.

SOUND BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "mia relaxes"

MIA [oof, then agreeing] Tell me about it.

BEN [muttered] I would if I could.

MIA Hmm?

BEN Nah. Doris broke her leg and Andy needed help with getting her fixed up.

MIA They better get her a good big leg. She goes through so darn many.

BEN Really? It's happened before?

MIA Every couple of years. I think the last time was before you showed up here.

BEN I am such a sucker.

MIA Whenever you start thinking like that, just look at Andy. That'd make anyone feel superior.

BEN You always know just the right thing to say.

MIA Can't help it. We're in tune.

BEN Yeah, I guess we are. About Christmas--

MIA Don't worry - I love the boots!

BEN Oh, the boots...

MIA But only if you can afford them. If you can't, I might be able to get them myself. [sexy] You still get to enjoy them, though.

BEN [grim] I'll get them--

MIA [sorry] I was just teasing.

BEN Don't worry. [softening] Like I said, it's been a really strange day.

MUSIC

SCENE 20. SEWER AGAIN

TICK [really fast] Yeah what?

BEN [slow gasp]

TICK [fast] crap. [deliberately going slower, down to normal speed] What do you want?

BEN Geek said you have another job?

TICK Not so much a job as a favor.

BEN Need money.

TICK What happened to the packet I gave you before? Never mind - don't want to know. [speeding up a bit] Look. I'm not some magic money tree.

BEN Oh.

TICK [slowing again] See right now, you owe me a favor - but I can be gracious about it. You give me what I need, and I will advance you what you need against the next job I give you. Sound good?

BEN [carefully articulating] You pay now for next job if I do favor?

TICK There you go. [quick] not so damn stupid after all.

MUSIC

SCENE 21. MIA'S APARTMENT

SOUND ALARM CLOCK

SOUND KNOCKED OFF TABLE

MIA [just like at beginning] I hate Mondays.

SOUND DOORBELL RINGS

MIA Huh?

MIA/Z coming!

SOUND BAREFOOT SHUFFLE

SOUND DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN, QUICKLY AND REPEATEDLY

MIA/Z Hold your damn horses!

SOUND DOORKNOB FUMBLES, DOOR IS SLAMMED OPEN.

SOUND BODY FALLS

MIA/Z [annoyed] hey!

SOUND FEET MOVE QUICKLY INTO APARTMENT, SLAM DOOR

MIA/Z [scared] Who are you--?

SOUND SUPER-QUICK WHISPERED VOICES IN BACKGROUND

VOICEBOX [mechanical voice] You were at the altercation near the wall yesterday.

MIA/z uhhh

VOICEBOX Yes or no. We ask yes or no questions. Answer yes or no.

MIA/z yesss.

VOICEBOX Did you take part--

MIA/z NO!

VOICEBOX Did you see any of those who did?

MIA/z [uncertain] no.

VOICEBOX There was another female with you. Did it see anything?

MIA Sheri?

MIA/z No.

VOICEBOX Please identify this female.

MIA/z No.

VOICEBOX That was not a question. Identify the female that was with you.

MIA Yeah, right.

MIA/z [incoherent moan]

VOICEBOX Speak clearly.

MIA/z Naaame isss [incoherent moan]

VOICEBOX We are prepared to remove parts if you do not cooperate.

SOUND STRUGGLE, KNIFE SNICKS OPEN

MIA/z ohh!

MIA No! that's Ben's! [the hand they're threatening]

VOICEBOX Last chance. The name.

MIA/z Naaame isss shhh-jerry

VOICEBOX Jerry?

MIA/z [reluctantly agreeing] Uh-huh.

VOICEBOX Good. [commanding, disgusted] Let it go.

SOUND BODY FLUNG TO FLOOR

MIA/z [moans unhappily]

SOUND FEET MARCH CRISPLY AWAY

MUSIC

SCENE 22. SEWER

BEN You want WHAT?

TICK Not like you'll miss it.

BEN I-I don't--

TICK Hey, take it or leave it. You owe me, but not like I'm gonna wrestle you down and steal it from you. I got people - and your kind - who can do that for me.

BEN When you need?

TICK [irritated, speeding up] What do you mean when? You think I don't mean now? [like the crack of doom, slowly and clearly] Now!

BEN Now...

TICK Tick-tock.

BEN [moans uncertainly, then glumly] yeah...

MUSIC

SCENE 23. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

MIA/z [muffled whispered moans]

MIA Psst!

SHERI Mia? What's with the getup?

MIA Get over here!

SOUND SHUFFLING

SHERI/z [whiny querulous moan]

SHERI What?

MIA Ok, no one can see us--

SHERI You look like a clown.

MIA Shh! Sheri, have any of the overseers [gulps] "talked" to you?

SHERI In-tacts? No!

MIA They found me. They'll find you. They want to know who killed that - in-tact - yesterday in the riot.

SHERI Gary? Why?

MIA No-no-no-no! I don't WANT to know who did it! They're asking, and they threatened to cut... off-- [sob] Th-they threatened me!

SHERI [still not understanding it] Why?

MIA They want to get the one who did it, I suppose! They'll come after you!

SHERI How will they know to come for me?

MIA [evasive] Well - how did - how did they know to come for me?

SHERI Oh!

MIA So now you're warned - stay away from the treadmill!

SHERI [annoyed moan]

MIA Well, I wanted to warn you.

SOUND MIA STARTS TO WALK AWAY, STRANGELY LIMPING

SHERI What's wrong? Mia? You're limping.

MIA Nothing. Figured if I can't make the treadmill for a while, I'd need something to live on.

SOUND STUMBLING FEET APPROACH

SHERI and MIA [gasping moans]

FRED [gasp] Oh, hey! Don't tell anyone I'm here.

MIA They found you too?

FRED I - I heard they're coming - how'd you know?

SHERI We saw it happen.

FRED Woah! You better hide. Least for a while. They're taking folks again.

MUSIC

SCENE 24. MIA'S APARTMENT

BEN Mia?

SOUND TAPPING ON DOOR, DOOR CREAKS OPEN

BEN [worried now] Mia?

TED [off, questioning moan]

BEN You Ted?

TED yeah [affirmative moan, voice getting clearer]

BEN Where the hell's Mia?

TED She took some stuff and left. What's it to you?

SOUND SHUFFLE TURN

BEN I'm Ben.

TED Ugh! What the hell does she see in you?

MUSIC

SCENE 25. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

MIA [off a bit] Ben?

BEN [phantom of the opera cringing noise] What?

MIA Ben - I'm over here.

BEN Mia - don't look.

MIA [almost laughing] What?

BEN Please.

MIA All right. I'll close my eyes.

BEN Thanks.

SOUND SHUFFLING STEPS TO MIA

BEN Why are you hiding?

MIA I saw something - there are in-tacts maybe looking for me. I don't know.

BEN They're just full of surprises, aren't they?

MIA Are they?

SOUND MOMENT OF JUST PLODDING ALONG TOGETHER

BEN Helluva way to spend the holidays.

MIA It is Christmas, isn't it? [beat] Can I look now?

BEN No! [short barking laugh] I - I know it's silly for me to be vain, but, uh - I lost something.

MIA I got you something!

BEN Don't turn around-- Ohhhh. [disappointed]

MIA [concerned] What happened?

BEN Some guy named Gary needed a new face.

MIA [concerned for him] I hope you got something good for it.

BEN Actually I did. Take off your shoes.

MIA [more panicked than should be] No!

BEN Don't worry - I'll carry them for you.

MIA No - I... I kind of needed to make a trade too.

BEN Your leg--?

MIA I guess feet with toes are sort of collectable.

BEN Oh. I hope ... [chuckles] I hope you got something good for it.

MIA [laughs a bit]

SOUND STICKY SOUND AS SHE STROKES HIS RAW FLESH

MIA At least you kept your lips.

BEN Are you kidding? Had to keep those - they're my best feature.

MIA Well, here's a new one, but I don't know how it will go on - you might have to wait until you have a place to hang it again.

SOUND PACKAGE UNWRAPS, OPENS

BEN It's beautiful.

MIA It's latex. It won't rot or get chewed on by rats. I think I got the right color, but now -

BEN It's a fine nose.

MIA Not too big? I mean, I never saw you with--

BEN It's perfect.

MIA We should get going. If they're still after me, we'll have to ... find some place else to--

BEN Waitaminute. Now you have to open yours.

MIA Oh, you--!

SOUND UNWRAPPING OF PAPER

MIA The patent leather!

BEN Yeah. You know, maybe you could brace and stuff them--

MIA It's just the one foot.

BEN Ok, stuff the one, and still walk on it.

MIA Not if we're going a long way - I don't want these puppies to get worn out on any stupid road trip. [ecstatic intake of breath] This is the best Christmas ever!

BEN You know? I think you're right... Here, take my hand.

MIA [teasing sweetly] That's my hand.

BEN Come on. [grunt to help her up]

MIA Which way?

[their voices, along with their moaning and plodding footsteps, begin to slowly fade out]

BEN A wise man once said "the sun never sets on those who ride into it". [the quote is from the end of Shock Treatment]

MIA Which wise man was that?

BEN Um....

MIA Are we talking like "three wise men" kind of wise man?

BEN Um - no. I think it was... Richard O'Brien.

MIA Who?

BEN You know, the time warp guy.

MIA Oh, man - I haven't been to THAT movie in months.

CLOSER

"The Gift of the Magi" is a famous story by O. Henry where a newlywed couple (around 1900) each sell something to buy the other a present - He sells his watch to get her a fancy hair comb and she sells her long hair to get him a new watch fob. The entire story is inspired by this.

(sorry i missed a couple of weeks - been crazy busy)

Quail Seed

A timely tale of marketing and social networking. [Saki was often way ahead of his time!]

Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson

Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones.

Quail Seed

Cast:

Announcer

Mr. Scarrick, shopkeeper

Jimmy, Assistant

Lucy, Jimmy's girl

Boy

Man/Beard

Miss Fritten

Mrs. Greyes

Mrs. Gordon

Miss Jones

Miss Smith

Gloria

Mrs. Lipping

SAKI OPENING

MUSIC

SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS

LUCY Hello? Helloooo?

JIMMY [close] Morning, Lucy!

LUCY [startled gasp] Jimmy! There you are. Bit... empty in here, isn't it?

JIMMY [heavy sigh] A bit.

LUCY But where are all the Christmas shoppers?

JIMMY Shh! Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick. You'll quite set him off.

LUCY Oh!

JIMMY It's all right, he's out at the moment.

LUCY [impressed] He left you in charge?

JIMMY [heavy sigh, morose] Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services.

LUCY That bad, eh?

JIMMY Quite.

SOUND DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS

Miss Smith Hello?

SOUND QUICK STEPS

JIMMY Yes? How may I assist you?

Miss Smith [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable? I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off]

JIMMY Sorry. Clean out. Perhaps next week.

MISS Smith Ah. Thank you.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR

LUCY You might have made a sale!

JIMMY She just wanted to look.

LUCY You don't know that.

JIMMY [bitter admission] She's the fourth today. Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience--

SOUND DOOR BELL

MISS Jones Hello?

JIMMY ...and that's five.

MUSIC

SOUND PUB

SCARRICK The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses.

SOUND POURING DRINK

SCARRICK These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale--reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what.

BOY [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects.

SCARRICK And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes.

MAN Seems like quite a trip for sugar.

SCARRICK With the big Christmas stock we've got in we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work, but as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves. In fact, I've left him in charge. I've never done that before.

BOY I'm sure he'll be fine.

SCARRICK [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too. I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas.

MAN [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm?

MUSIC

SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL

MRS. GREYES --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do?

MISS FRITTEN We shall simply wait for the next--

SCARRICK May I help you ladies?

MRS. GREYES Oh! [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- about--

MISS FRITTEN Bootlaces.

MRS. GREYES Bootlaces! Yes! I've been in dire need of some--

SCARRICK [hearty] Of course. Over on the left wall, near the back.

MRS. GREYES Of course. [whispering] You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here! Bootlaces indeed. I already have more laces than boots!

MISS FRITTEN At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to--

MRS. GREYES Shh!

SCARRICK Finding everything?

MRS. GREYES Oh, yes. This is the best ... um... anchovy paste. Just what I was looking for.

MISS FRITTEN Just lovely!

SCARRICK Perhaps you ladies could help me. I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop.

MRS. GREYES Oh?

SCARRICK I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'.

MISS FRITTEN [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY

SCARRICK What?

SOUND ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER

SCARRICK [excusing himself] Your pardon.

SOUND SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER

MRS. GREYES [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here.

MISS FRITTEN But I'm in my best hat!

MRS. GREYES Shh! Shh! Look at that!

MISS FRITTEN What an odd looking boy. Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks!

MRS. GREYES And those clothes. Like something out of the Arabian nights!

SOUND CLANG

BOY [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed.

MISS FRITTEN What's the bowl for?

MRS. GREYES To carry the pomegranates?

MISS FRITTEN Why not a string bag?

MRS. GREYES Allergies? Shh!

SCARRICK [business as usual] Here you are. We have some lovely pomegranates.

MISS FRITTEN He doesn't even look surprised!

MRS. GREYES The boy must have been here before.

SOUND COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT

BOY The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday. Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases.

SCARRICK [formal and serious] As you wish.

SOUND BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS

SOUND SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET

MISS FRITTEN [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy?

SCARRICK [final] A foreigner, I believe.

MRS. GREYES Does he shop here often? Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year.

SCARRICK It takes all sorts.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

SOUND HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS

MISS FRITTEN [gasp]

MRS. GREYES Oh! [covering her consternation] Oh, I forgot those bootlaces! [hissed] Come on!

SOUND THEY SKITTER AWAY

MAN [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have.

SCARRICK [wary] Certainly sir.

MRS. GREYES Look at that beard!

MISS FRITTEN Like a comedy Russian.

MRS. GREYES No, more like an ancient Assyrian.

MISS FRITTEN Who do you think he is?

MAN [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates?

SCARRICK Can't say that I've seen anyone like that.

MRS. GREYES Oh! [muffles self]

MISS FRITTEN [whispered] How could he!

SCARRICK [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them.

MAN My servant will fetch the coffee as usual

SOUND COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP

MAN [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed?

GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp]

SCARRICK [unhesitating] No. we don't stock it.

SOUND FEET WALK AWAY

MRS. GREYES [whispered] What will he deny next?

MISS FRITTEN And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man. Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola.

SOUND DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

MRS. GREYES Don't let's bother about the 3.12. Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's

MISS FRITTEN Perhaps we should buy a few things first. Since we're here.

MUSIC

SOUND TEA

MISS FRITTEN [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim.

MRS. LIPPING Do Satraps prorogue?

MISS FRITTEN [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't?

GLORIA I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is. Is it a dance?

MISS FRITTEN It is a simile and hardly matters. Or do I mean an allegory?

MRS. GORDON And the boy?

MRS. GREYES I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard--

MRS. LIPPING They could have been unrelated.

MISS FRITTEN Unrelated? And both asking for "quail seed"? Mark my words. There's something afoot.

MRS. GREYES What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer!

GLORIA I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before!

MRS. GREYES It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop. Mark my words. [importantly] Bohemian.

MRS. GORDON [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam.

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR, BELL

SOUND BROOM

LUCY Jimmy?

JIMMY Here.

LUCY Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down.

JIMMY Fabulous, isn't it?

LUCY But, what happened?

JIMMY This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers.

LUCY Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon?

JIMMY [overly innocent] Whom do you refer to?

LUCY Come on! It's all over town. People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper. I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak. The dark young man and the Beard.

JIMMY Sounds a bit like a music hall act.

LUCY [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does....

MUSIC

AMBIENCE SHOP

[MANY CUSTOMERS]

MISS SMITH Is this the freshest jar of pickles?

JIMMY Miss? I suppose so.

MISS SMITH It looks a little dusty.

JIMMY That would be my fault--

SCARRICK [commanding] Jimmy!

JIMMY So sorry, must jump.

MISS FRITTEN [whispered] Do you think they will return?

MRS. GREYES I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen.

MISS FRITTEN But why should they come all this way to shop?

MRS. GREYES [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed.

MISS FRITTEN [getting it] Ah!

SOUND REGISTER NOISE

SCARRICK That will be three shillings and four pence.

SOUND COINS

MRS. LIPPING I'm looking for something interesting for a savory. Have you any--

SOUND GENERAL HUSH

MRS. LIPPING [nervous] --any, um--

SCARRICK [as if nothing is amiss] I have some pickled olives. Imported from turkey.

MRS. LIPPING Yes, anything.

SOUND JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER

SOUND JABBER BEGINS AGAIN

SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY.

SILENCE

SOUND BOY WALKS IN.

SOUND BOWL SET DOWN.

SCARRICK [normal] What can I get for you today?

BOY I require a pound of honey.

SOUND BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER

BOY and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed.

SOUND GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED

SCARRICK Very good, sir.

SOUND CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING

MISS FRITTEN [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights.

MRS. GREYES Hush! Listen!

SOUND THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE.

SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS

JIMMY [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges. Around behind here.

SOUND QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET

SOUND DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN.

SOUND GASPS

SCARRICK [unperturbed] What may I get for you today, Sir?

MAN A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva.

MISS FRITTEN Halva? What is that?

MRS. GREYES It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is?

GLORIA Who would want dates AND figs?

MRS. LIPPING Hush.

SCARRICK There you are.

MAN hmm [evaluating noise] Yes.

SOUND COINS DROPPED

MAN Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day?

GLORIA [stifled squeak of excitement]

SCARRICK We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe.

SOUND [gasps]

MRS. GREYES [satisfied] Didn't we say?

MISS FRITTEN It's too too terrible.

MUSIC

TEA

MRS. GREYES It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock.

MISS FRITTEN More quail seed! Those quails must be voracious! [realizing] or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all.

MRS. GREYES I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective.

MRS. LIPPING I don't. I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne.

MISS FRITTEN More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah. The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know.

GLORIA [exasperated] Only as a miracle. [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue.

MRS. LIPPING I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar.

GLORIA I can't imagine that that boy is the guilty party here. Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable--

MISS FRITTEN Honey and pomegranates - of course!!!

MUSIC

SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET

SOUND DOOR, BELL

JIMMY [calling from off] Closed!

LUCY I know, mutton head.

JIMMY Oh, Lucy!

SOUND BROOM DOWN, STEPS

LUCY Another busy day?

JIMMY The busiest. Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp]

SOUND KISS

LUCY [laughing] I was here today, you know.

JIMMY [uneasy] Oh?

LUCY [indulgent] You were quite the hero. Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time.

JIMMY [flustered] Well, I have a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter.

LUCY [pouty] Jimmy. Have you EVER known me to gossip?

JIMMY You, Lucy? I don't think so.

LUCY Quite a vote of confidence.

JIMMY I didn't mean that-- [sigh] No. No I've never known you to gossip.

LUCY Let me in, then! Perhaps there's something I can do to help?

MUSIC

PUB

SCARRICK It was quite marvelous! And we sold out of that blasted Halva.

MAN It looked crowded, but were they actually buying?

SCARRICK They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger.

BOY "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing."

SCARRICK exactly. Even those women whose purchases were of modest proportions dawdled over them as though they had, uh--

MAN Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to?

SCARRICK [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow.

MUSIC

STORE - BUSY

MISS FRITTEN What do you think? Is this bowl anything like the one that young gentleman carries?

MRS. GREYES Nonsense. His is brass. Or bronze, perhaps. That one is copper.

MISS FRITTEN Still, it's got a lovely patina.

MRS GORDON Ducks?

SCARRICK [distracted] Pardon?

MRS GORDON Ducks? I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice.

SCARRICK I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp]

SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL

GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH

MRS GORDON oh!

SCARRICK You'll excuse me.

SOUND BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM

SCARRICK Sir?

BOY Yes?

SCARRICK [overtly confidential] I must warn you--

SOUND [gasps]

SCARRICK [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed.

MRS GORDON Oh nO!

BOY [shocked and disappointed] Oh. I should-- I must--

SOUND SCUTTLING FEET

JIMMY [excited] We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here.

BOY [dramatic gasp]

SOUND BOY RUNS

MISS FRITTEN [whispered] Watch the door!

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL

SOUND OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS

MRS. GORDON [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath.

SCARRICK [very tense] Ah. Coffee again today sir? Perhaps figs?

MAN I am looking for--

LUCY [in disguise, foreign sounding] Jaffa oranges, I think.

MAN What?

MRS GREYES [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake.

LUCY Your Excellency does his shopping himself?

MAN [suspicious] I order the things myself. I find it difficult to make my servants understand.

MISS FRITTEN [voiceover] How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all?

LUCY I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here. [tinkling laugh]

SOUND HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL

MAN [considering] Hmph.

MRS. GORDON [gasp]

MAN You!

SCARRICK [tense] Yes?

MAN You have, perhaps, some good Jaffa oranges?

GLORIA [voiceover] Everyone expected an instant denial on the part of Mr. Scarrick of any such possession, but before he could answer‑‑

BOY No!

SOUND RUNNING FEET, DOOR, BELL

MISS FRITTEN [voiceover] Holding his empty brass bowl before him he dashed into the street. His face was masked with studied indifference

SOUND THE VOICEOVERS START TO FADE INTO TEA

MRS GREYES Overspread with ghastly pallor!

MRS. LIPPING I would call it blazing with defiance.

GLORIA How defiant could he be! He was so terrified his teeth chattered!

MRS. GORDON I distinctly heard him whistling the Persian National Hymn.

MISS FRITTEN But the bearded man - his face was a mask of abject terror!

MRS GREYES I thought he would dash out after the boy, but he just paced to and fro like a caged animal - seeking an outlet for escape.

GLORIA He couldn't take his eyes off the door.

MRS GORDON Did he ever come back for his purchases? Or send his servant?

MISS FRITTEN I've not had the nerve to ask Mr. Scarrick. The whole thing was so ... overwhelming.

MUSIC

LUCY It was so overwhelming. Trying not to laugh while watching all their faces.

JIMMY You did a fabulous job.

LUCY You like me in a veil?

JIMMY I can think of a veil I'd like to see you in.

LUCY [interested, pleased] Really?

JIMMY Mm-hmm [yes]

SOUND KISS

MUSIC

PUB

SCARRICK I can never thank you fellows enough.

MAN We enjoyed the fun of it. [laughs, then talks like beard] And the figs.

BOY It was a welcome vacation from posing for hours for 'The Lost Hylas'

MAN You just have to sit still. I'm the one who has to make you look good.

SCARRICK What do I owe you?

MAN No, no. It was far too entertaining.

BOY We did get all those lovely pomegranates.

SCARRICK At any rate... I insist on paying for the hire of the black beard.

END

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle.

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Leona - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey's Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey

Music by John Woodward Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Les Clay

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?"

********************************************************************

A Telegram ...to Satan!

Cast:

Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell?

MUSIC

Scene 1.

SOUND PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room

REPORTER JUNE How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight.

REPORTER BOB So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting?

REPORTER KATHY We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor...

REPORTER FRED And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair?

Scene 2.

CHIEF Shut the door.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO Where's Leona?

CHIEF She'll be here in a minute. Wanted to say something to you first… just the two of us.

THEO [a little worried] Yeah?

CHIEF You're a cute young guy, Theo...

THEO [starting to panic] Uh...

CHIEF You seeing anyone right now?

THEO I'm kind of ...married to the news.

CHIEF I know the feeling.

THEO Uh...!

CHIEF It's a nice sentiment, but you can't let the news rule your life, sweetheart.

THEO Uh. When is Leona gonna get here?

CHIEF What are you doing on Friday night?

THEO Uh... Uh... I ...

CHIEF Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get.

THEO [relieved] Oh! ah! I can clear Friday night.

CHIEF It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida.

THEO Who?

CHIEF But you didn't hear that from me.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

THEO Dickman?

DICKMAN Yeah.

THEO [gasp] Oh! I thought it would be Leona.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

CHIEF Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third. His grandpa just picked up half the business.

DICKMAN Things are gonna run a little different around here.

THEO Oh. Is that good?

CHIEF [insincere] Sure it is. We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA Oh.

SOND DOOR SHUTS AGAIN

THEO Leona--? She left.

CHIEF Musta forgot something.

DICKMAN Is that Leona Pope? [chuckle nastily] I think she remembered something.

THEO Should I ...go?

CHIEF No, I was about to drop a lead on you.

DICKMAN I hope you have something good.

CHIEF Oh, are you staying?

DICKMAN Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom. So yeah, I'm staying.

MUSIC

Scene 3.

AMB ROOF

SOUND LIGHTER, SMOKING

THEO [off] Leona?

LEONA Are you alone?

THEO Uh, yeah.

LEONA Come on up, then.

THEO That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it?

LEONA It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke.

THEO Oh. [beat] We have an assignment.

LEONA We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of?

THEO Uh, no. Were you expecting someone?

LEONA [sigh] I'll come down.

MUSIC

Scene 4.

SOUND IN CAR

LEONA What's the story?

THEO I was about to ask you the same thing.

LEONA [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get.

THEO Oh! Cattle mutilation. It's a bit of a drive.

LEONA And Dickman?

THEO No. He's got a story of his own.

LEONA Which is?

THEO [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer.

LEONA Figures. Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts.

THEO Well, it's actually--

LEONA That jackass gets everything he wants. Almost.

THEO Sounds like you have a history.

LEONA Used to have an entire curriculum.

THEO Huh?

LEONA [getting annoyed] History. Chemistry. Biology... [disgusted] Drama.

MUSIC

Scene 5.

AMB FARM

LEONA Bucolic.

THEO I've never been on a farm before!

LEONA I've worked hard to avoid them myself.

HADLEY Hallooo! You must be the folks from the World Bugle!

THEO Must we? Ah, yes. We must! I mean, that's us!

LEONA [flat] Show us the cows.

HADLEY I'm Mr. Hadley, and this is Lulu.

LULU [goat] Maaaa.

LEONA Don't try and tell me that's a cow.

HADLEY No, no. Lulu's a goat. They're better than dogs. They can stand guard, fetch, and they're very loyal

GOAT Maaa.

LEONA You tell him. Show us the cows.

HADLEY She can even fetch – here.

THEO A ball? Should I throw it?

HADLEY Nah – just hold it up. Fetch Lulu!

LULU MAAA!

SOUND THUMP

THEO Ow.

HADLEY And now she gets the ball. Just a little goat humor.

SOUND BRUSHING OFF, GETTING UP

THEO [sigh] Tell us all about this problem you're having with your cattles being... mutilated.

LEONA Cattle is already plural.

HADLEY Come along and you can see for yourself.

THEO Ew? I mean - it's been a couple of days. Won't they be a bit ... ripe?

LEONA [musing] Really quick shutter.

THEO What?

LEONA Catches all the flies in mid-flight.

THEO Ewwww..

HADLEY Oh, are you thinking my cows are dead? Oh. No. Come on.

MUSIC

Scene 6.

LEONA [stunned] And WHEN did this happen?

THEO How many are there?

HADLEY Five. Bessie, Buttercup, Wilamina, Miss Amoorica, and Fred.

LEONA You have a cow named Fred?

HADLEY She's had a hard life.

THEO And all five of them have these...

HADLEY Big tattooed triangles. Yep.

LEONA Does it go underneath, too, or just end there?

HADLEY Nope. Each one has her entire left flank covered in this...ink.

THEO And it's not just paint?

HADLEY Nope.

LEONA Humh. Punk cows. Next thing you know, they'll be going for nipple piercings.

THEO That would really be --

LEONA [trying not to laugh] An udder mess.

THEO Ew. This doesn't look like something that happened overnight.

HADLEY Nope. Someone's a-sneaking in each night and doing it.

LEONA And they got THIS much done before you noticed?

HADLEY What can I say? I'm a right-sided milker.

MUSIC

Scene 7.

SOUND WALKING IN MUD

THEO Ah, nature.

LEONA One thing you can say for nature. It stinks.

THEO That's the smell of life!

LEONA No, it's the smell of the cowpie you just stepped in.

THEO Ew. Hey look! Someone's coming!

LEONA Is it Lulu?

THEO No! [excited] It looks like a girl!

LEONA Can't you tell?

DAISY [off, calling] He-ey!

THEO Hiya!

LEONA [hissed, hinting] Interview. Witness. Stay on task.

THEO What?

SOUND SLAP

THEO Right. Hello, miss--?

DAISY [running up, panting] I'm Daisy!

THEO Yeah?

LEONA [hissed] Does she live near here?

THEO Do you--?

DAISY I'm just one farm over.

THEO Oh. Good.

LEONA Does she know anything about the cows?

DAISY Huh?

THEO HuH?

LEONA Tell you what. We're gonna play blindfold questions.

DAISY That sounds like fun!

THEO What? [muffled] Hey, what are you doing? [clear again] But I can't see anything now!

LEONA That's the idea.

DAISY Who are you folks anyway? I never got a chance to--

THEO We're from the World Bugle. Investigating the cows.

DAISY Oh! The tattoos?

THEO Yeah. Are they happening at your farm too?

LEONA Turn to the left, just a bit.

THEO Huh?

LEONA You're talking to her shoulder.

THEO Ah.

DAISY Well, no, ain't no one else in the valley having the same problem. And no one can figure out how it's happening, nohow!

THEO No one knows how he's doing it?

DAISY He? Do you know who it is?

THEO Just reporter shorthand. Playing the odds. [serious sounding] Most of these kind of... uh "perps" are male. 82%, in fact.

LEONA Nice fake.

DAISY Wow!

THEO Not that we rule anyone out. You could even be the one doing this.

DAISY Not me! I can't even draw a cow. [sudden interest] Who's that?

LEONA Who? Shit! My turn for the blindfold.

SOUND WHIP OF FABRIC

THEO [Baffled] Leo? What? Why are you tying that over your whole face?

LEONA [muffled] Shut up!

DICKMAN [coming on] Finally some sign of life out here in the hinterlands.

DAISY I dunno where hinter's land is. Is he new around here?

THEO [getting it] Oh! Hi, Mr. Dickman.

DICKMAN You can call me Ace, kid.

THEO [chummy] And you can call me Theo, Ace.

LEONA [muffled] "Smoothie"

THEO Shh.

DAISY Can I call you Ace too? You look kinda familiar. Have we ever met?

DICKMAN So, kid, who's the chick in the turban?

THEO Oh, she's my new ... intern. Uh, she's -uh- devout. Can't show her face.

DAISY But she had it off--

LEONA [zhagareet - high pitched warble]

THEO [running over] We're very equal-opportunity at the world bugle, you see.

DAISY Say, you look kinda like Clint Eastwood. Are you related to Clint Eastwood?

DICKMAN [ignoring Daisy] Does she speak English, at least?

THEO Only to people she's been... properly introduced to. It's very ...protective.

DICKMAN Doesn't make for much of a reporter.

THEO [warming to his lie] That's why she's learning to take photographs instead. [talking loud and slow like he's talking to someone foreign] Take picture now? Show?

LEONA [muttered and muffled] I got something to show you--

THEO [snap] Jasmine? Take picture!

LEONA [sort of vaguely pakistani] oh, yess. Picture take i.

SOUND SNAP

DICKMAN Hey! You didn't need a flash! It's broad daylight! Right in my damn eyes.

SOUND SNAP

LEONA Many apologies!

DAISY Wanna take a picture of me?

DICKMAN [stalking closer] Hey! That camera - it looks kinda familiar.

THEO [covering] Oh! They all look alike.

LEONA [panicking] uh -- No more talk. Time to pray.

SOUND DROP TO THE GROUND

LEONA [muttering, muffled]

THEO You better not bother her now. She gets these breaks a - a bunch of times every day. It's freedom of religion, man.

DICKMAN I'm sure I've seen her before. And she ain't no --

THEO ACE! Don't use that kind of language! [whispered] You could get us sued!

LEONA [MUTTERS LOUDER]

DAISY Can she take a picture of ME when she gets up?

MUSIC

Scene 8.

AMB QUIET HOTEL ROOM

THEO That was kind of...

LEONA Mortifying?

THEO Well... You don't know much about other cultures, do you?

LEONA I only had to fool him, and he knows less. [annoyed] It's kind of like if you and I ever run into a lion - I don't have to outrun the lion... I just have to outrun you.

THEO Are there a lot of lions in - [getting it] Ohhh...

[moment of awkward silence]

LEONA I suppose you're wondering about all this.

THEO No.

LEONA It's the most embarrassing episode of my life.

THEO Oh. I wouldn't want to pry.

LEONA Back when I was young and foolish.

THEO [astonished] You were young?

LEONA And that disgusting hunk of manhood swept me off my girlish feet...

THEO [getting a bit weirded out] girlish?

LEONA He was so confident...

THEO Uh, Leona...

LEONA So self assured...

THEO Come on, Leona.

LEONA And when he walked away that dark and stormy morning, leaving me lying in a puddle of my own tears...

THEO Please stop.

LEONA [snarl] He walked away with the best scoop I'd ever had.

THEO [relieved sigh] Oh!

LEONA That's why you can't tell him anything about our story. Not one iota.

THEO Why would I, I don't plan to--

LEONA He'll knock on the door any minute now.

SOUND KNOCK

THEO Wow!

LEONA Take him to the bar.

THEO But what do I do?

LEONA Get him drunk. Keep him talking.

SOUND DOOR CHAIN

LEONA [sharp whisper] Oh, and while you're distracting him—

THEO Distracting?

LEONA Yeah. See if you can steal his story!

MUSIC

Scene 9.

AMB BAR

DICKMAN This is the life, eh? Just us guys. Us reporters. No one understands the loneliness…

THEO Uh, yeah.

DICKMAN The mantle of responsibility we don every day--

THEO Really?

DICKMAN Our responsibility to the public! To keep them informed.

THEO Oh! Is that why your – uh – family bought into the World bugle?

DICKMAN Nah. Grandad just loves Ratboy.

THEO Oh. [trying to be subtle] So...how goes it with the weed-whacker?

DICKMAN [suspicious] Hey – you trying something?

THEO No! Just thought… uh… I might be able to [uncertain] Help?

DICKMAN I don't need any help.

THEO But I might have heard something. A lead.

DICKMAN [skeptical] Reeeeally?

THEO Oh, yeah. [warming to it] I overheard something. Recently. About –uh – [lost, then bright idea] about someone buying a lot of weed whackers!

DICKMAN Really? And what could possibly make you think that he would need more than one weed whacker?

THEO He?

DICKMAN Playing the odds. 82% of these perps are male, you know.

THEO Oh, yeah. I know.

DICKMAN [intimidating] But what made you say that?

THEO Its just what I heard! Really!

DICKMAN [relenting] Cuz that's a detail the police have insisted on keeping back from the public.

THEO Oh!

MUSIC

HOTEL CLERK May I help you?

LEONA [talking in a fake deep voice] Package for Mr. Dickmam. What room is he in?

HOTEL CLERK I can accept that for him.

LEONA No. uh – it's special delivery. From the head office.

HOTEL CLERK I can page him.

LEONA Can't wait. Must stay… refrigerated. Plus, he's probably out on assignment--

HOTEL CLERK I think he's just over in the bar.

LEONA [sigh, drops the voice] Fifty bucks?

SOUND MONEY SLAPPED ON TABLE, SCOOPED UP

HOTEL CLERK [low response] Here's the spare key. Have a nice day!

MUSIC

Scene 10.

AMB BAR

THEO --And he woke up with a donkey's head!

DICKMAN What, like in the bed next to him?

THEO No, this is Shakespeare, not the Godfather! Like his head was a donkey's head.

DICKMAN [musing] Shakespeare WAS the original godfather. I think you might have a story there.

THEO Still not as good as yours!

DICKMAN When you been in the biz as long as I have…

SOUND PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED

BARTENDER No, sorry. We don't serve those here.

DICKMAN [nasty laugh] Must be talking about your "sidekick."

THEO Ew!

BERTENDER Oh, someone NAMED Smoothie. I'll check. [up] Is there a--

THEO [quick, sharp] It's for me!

DICKMAN Smoothie?

THEO Code name. Top secret. [to phone] Yeah? Yeah! Oh yeaaaaahhhhh.

SOUND HANGS UP

DICKMAN Yeah?

THEO Yeah. Gotta go. The –uh- cows came home.

MUSIC

Scene 11.

AMB NIGHT, PASTURE

THEO We always seem to end up outside in the dark waiting for dangerous people.

LEONA That's where the stories are.

THEO Did you find out anything?

LEONA Just that he's got nothing. [chuckles]

THEO Isn't that bad for the paper? I mean, they still need stories!

LEONA Puppy. [gasp] Look!

THEO Lights! Is it aliens?

LEONA Coleman.

THEO Who's Coleman?

LEONA A lamp. It's just the farmer. He must have the same idea we do.

THEO We do?

LEONA To keep watch until the vandal shows up.

THEO Would this fall under vandalism? Hmm… I guess cows count as property.

LEONA Shh! Look!

THEO He's just going in to check on them.

SOUND Mooooo

THEO That didn't sound happy.

LEONA They're cows. They don't really "do" happy.

THEO Hey, where's Lulu?

LEONA Lulu?

THEO The goat- he said she follows him everywhere.

LEONA I dunno. Sleeping?

THEO Let's get closer to the barn.

MUSIC

Scene 12.

AMB BARN

THEO [whispering] I told you there was something wrong with a man who would leave his goat behind!

LEONA If I had a nickel for every time I've heard…

SOUND Bzz. Mooooo!

THEO [standing up] How dare you!

LEONA Oh, boy.

HADLEY/DEMON Who dares disturb me at my work.

THEO Uh… does he sound different?

LEONA I'll be in the bushes – uh – stall.

HADLEY/DEMON Come forward, mortal.

THEO uh--

LEONA He means you. [uh - pushing him]

SOUND PUSH, HE STUMBLES FORWARD

THEO [whisered] What do I do?

LEONA Interview him. It. Nah, think of it as a him – less scary that way.

HADLEY/DEMON What do you want?

THEO [gulp] I -- want to hear your side of the story!

HADLEY/DEMON Story?

THEO Uh, clearly you're doing something here – and very artistically, I might add – but I can't imagine a … s-something, such as yourself doing it for no reason. You must have a … a purpose. The people want to know!

LEONA [hissed] step to the left!

THEO Huh?

LEONA You're blocking my shot!

HADLEY/DEMON You think you will shoot me? Muhahahaha! Mortal bullets will have no effect!

THEO no! no! not shot shot. Just picture shot.

LEONA [whispered] Stay in the light - in case he eviscerates you.

HADLEY/DEMON Pictures, yes. I make pictures too.

THEO Right! What are they for?

HADLEY/DEMON For? They are a summoning! When the ring is complete, he will come!

THEO [shock and awe] Satan?

HADLEY/DEMON [matter of fact] Nonsense, he's much too busy. That's why I'm here. [demony again] NO! It is the renegade that I am here to summon. I have been placed in his path and he will be mine!

SOUND CAMERA CLICKS

HADLEY/DEMON [petulant] If some people will go away and leave me to my work.

THEO maybe we can help?

LEONA [whispered] Ixnay! Otnay our Objay!

HADLEY/DEMON Help? You?

THEO I mean, if you will spend a little time maybe telling us more about what you're doing?

HADLEY/DEMON Hmm…. [thinks long] Which do you think is my good side?

MUSIC

Scene 13.

AMB OUTSIDE, DAY

THEO We should tell him! He must have been drugged, or delusional, or sleepwalking!

LEONA [assured] Possessed.

THEO or sleepwalking.

LEONA Possessed makes for a better story.

THEO Oh.

LEONA Did you have the mini recorder with you?

THEO Uh, no.

LEONA Dammit Smoothie!

THEO I did ... something else with it.

LEONA What?

THEO Let me see if it worked first.

LEONA [sigh] whatever. What's important is to figure out what questions to ask this demon possessor when we talk to him tonight.

THEO Tonight?

LEONA Meanwhile, we can get some quality time with the girls.

THEO Girls? You mean like Daisy?

LEONA No, I mean like Fred.

MUSIC

Scene 14.

AMB BARN

SOUND Moos

THEO Oh, those girls.

LEONA Shh. You'll put them off.

THEO What are we doing here?

LEONA Getting glamour shots. What else? Move that one in behind the one with the white ear.

THEO Why don't we ask farmer Hadley to help with this? I don't know anything about cow maneuvers.

DICKMAN [off, hding] [Laughs]

LEONA [starts to laugh, then cuts it off with a snarl]

THEO Holy cow!

LEONA Five of them. Come out, Dick.

DICKMAN Leona? And here I thought you'd converted.

THEO Maybe I should leave you two alone?

LEONA Yeah. I'm a transformer. {nyea-uh-uh-ow – transformer noise] Just call me optimus kick your ass.

THEO Help me out, Fred, They're not listeneing.

SOUND MOO, LICK

THEO Ew. [up] We should go back to the – things to do – back at the hotel?

LEONA No. I want to know why this notorious poacher is hanging around our story? Could it be because he's stumped on his own?

DICKMAN Im never stumped. I'm [thinks, then nasty triumph] I'm multitasking!

LULU [outside] Maaaaa

THEO Hey guys, here comes Lulu! Better be nice.

DICKMAN Who's LuLu? Is she that dishy Barbie in the teensy cutoffs from yesterday?

LEONA [chuckles] Nah, she's even more perfect for you.

DICKMAN [suggestive] Hot, stupid and has a great story?

LEONA [taking it personally] I was never hot – I mean, I was never STUPID!

SOUND DOOR OPENS

THEO [loudly, trying to break up the fight] Oh, Farmer Hadley! Lulu! How nice to see you both!

LEONA Here Dickman. Hold this. Lulu, fetch!

LULU Maaaa!

DICKMAN What's with the ball? Ow!

SOUND THUMP, BODY DROP

MUSIC

Scene 15.

AMB BARN, NIGHT

THEO He said he'd explain the whole thing tonight.

LEONA Smacks of super villain rhetoric.

THEO Huh?

LEONA You know, all that "Before I kill you, Mister Bond" crap.

THEO Kill?

HADLEY/DEMON Oh, yes, I am here to kill.

THEO [gasp!]

LEONA [gasp] I'll be in the hayloft.

HADLEY/DEMON {chuckles] I thought you might like a sound bite for your show.

THEO Uh, we're print news.

HADLEY/DEMON Too bad. That would have been sweet.

THEO But we do have a website!

LEONA But he wasn't recording.

HADLEY/DEMON [disgruntled] Well, stay out of my way, then.

THEO You said tonight you would reveal all.

LEONA I'll get the wide angle lens.

HADLEY/DEMON Tonight I will return an escaped soul back to hell!!!

LEONA Is his name Dickman?

HADLEY/DEMON He's not an escapee. But we have him on our radar.

THEO Ew.

LEONA Good.

HADLEY/DEMON No, this is a soul that escaped and is even now cutting a swath across the country!

THEO and LEONA [unison] The weed-whacker!?

LEONA [musing] Scooping him is almost better than sending him to hell…

HADLEY/DEMON These cows are the living, breathing summoning spell. Watch as I circle them up, nose to tail--

LEONA Facing widdershins, I see.

THEO Huh?

LEONA Anti-clockwise?

THEO Oh.

HADLEY/DEMON It's a satanic thing.

THEO Ahh.

LEONA Omigod!

HADLEY/DEMON [slightly offended] Please!

LEONA Just an interjection. I see it all now! I relaly do need to get up into the hayloft!

THEO Why?

HADLEY/DEMON Why don't you both go up there and observe?

THEO Uh, okay.

LEONA Come on!

SOUND CLIMBING LADDER

HADLEY/DEMON [begins the chant] loren ipsum dolar sit amat…

THEO What am I supposed to see?

LEONA Look down!

SOUND SNAPPING PHOTOS, THROUGHOUT

THEO Uh...Cows.

LEONA and?

THEO Oh! Oh, wow! When they're all in a circle like that, with the tattooed triangles on the inside, it makes--

LEONA A pentagram. Yeah. Trippy.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, OFF

THEO Did you hear that?

LEONA Hear what?

SIOUND CAMERA STILL CLICKING AWAY

THEO I'll go check.

LEONA [absorbed in her work] Yeah, yeah.

SOUND CREAKING AS THEO MOVES

THEO [muttered] I think it was over … here?

DICKMAN [muffled a bit, dictating] Investigating strange noises in the barn, hoping that the killer was hiding out, I courageously – no, scratch that – with no thought for my own safety, just the safety of the world, I pressed on.

THEO [to self] Oh, heck! [quiet, calling] Leona?

LEONA [snapped hiss] Busy.

THEO Oh, boy…

SOUND OTHER DOOR SLAMS OPEN

HADLEY/DEMON [Cuts off in mid-sentence] [dramatic] You!

WW DEMON [dramatic] Yes, it is I!

HADLEY/DEMON [matter of fact] I'm here to take you home, Jerry.

WW DEMON I don't wanna.

HADLEY/DEMON Too bad. Get in the box.

WW DEMON [huffy sigh] Fine. But I'm going because I want to and not because you told me to.

HADLEY/DEMON Yup. Just like the last four times. whatever.

SOUND SORT OF A WHISTLY NOISE

DICKMAN Is that it?

HADLEY/DEMON Yeah. Why?

DICKMAN Seems anti-climactic.

HADLEY/DEMON Who do I look like? Peter Jackson? Gotta go, then. [to Leona] One mor pic before I drop this carcass?

SOUND CLICK

DICKMAN [stunned] You!

LEONA [sneering] You!

THEO Uh, guys--!

SOUND WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE

DICKMAN This is my story, Leo. But I'll let you in as my photographer.

THEO Guys???

LEONA I'll give you a shot. But not from my camera!

SOUND WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE GETS LOUDER

THEO I'll be in the bushes.

SOUND WEIRD SWRILY EXPLOSION

Scene 16.

EXPLOSION TURNS INTO "on tape"

SOUND CLICK, turns off

CHIEF [concerned] Is Leona's film okay?

THEO Oh, yeah. It was the weirdest thing, too - no one was actually hurt, but they all had this weird blackout period. I guess I got away early enough to miss most of it, but even I don't rmember everything on the tape.

CHIEF Waitaminute - didn't you say in there somewhere that you didn't have your recorder on you?

THEO Uh, yeah...

SOUND DOOR OPENS, LEONA ENTERS

LEONA Here's those photos.

SOUND SLAPS THEM DOWN

CHIEF [going through] yeah, yeah. Yeah - OHHH! Nice goat. Yeah, yeah. Cute. Holy crap!

LEONA [chuckles]

THEO Hwat - what was that?

CHIEF I take it this compromising picture of Forsythe Dickman the third has some little part in why you got his story without him arguing at all?

LEONA [overly innocent] Nah - he just admitted that it was all one story from the beginning, and since we did all the work--

THEO [confidential] It was really hard, getting the goat to stand still for the picture!

CHIEF you didn't- uh - I mean, that poor goat!

LEONA Nah, once we got her into the tutu - it's all in the lighting.

THEO Was harder to dress Dickman.

CHIEF Well, get out of here and write up your story-- My personal shopper Pierre is gonna be in here any minute - Wednesday is intimates.

LEONA Going. Now.

SOUND THEY RUSH OUT

Scene 17.

REPORTER FRED Oh, please, you're the fourth Hitler sighting this week!

REPORTER KATHY Are you sure these tiny people who appear when you drink from your magic bottle aren't just ...uh... D-Ts?

REPORTER BOB And you're willing to wear that fur suit and infiltrate the secret hideout? Do you know the paw-shake?

SOUND HANG UP PHONE

REPORTER JUNE [excited yell] Aliens are landing in Branson!!! They're demanding tickets for Dolly!

END

Theo and Leona of the World Bugle (Team E-O to you) return for another scoop. (they originally appeared in Cultists Stole My Baby!)

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Theo - Henry Marks Leona - Robyn Keyes Chief - Julie Hoverson Larry - Dave Fontenot Baby Dali1 - Julie Hoverson Baby Dali2 - Risa Torres Baby Dali3 - Danar Hoverson Waitress - Sirena Raine Melody - Tanja Milojevic Harmony - Cailean Evedus Other Dalis - Marleigh Norton, Kat Pryde, Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard, Kimberly Gianopoulos, Kimberly Poole, Brittney Cruz

Music by Josh Woodward Dali Song - Music by Reju (used under creative commons license), words by Arthur O'Shaugnessy, Sung by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an infamous newsroom, can't you tell?"

****************************************************************************

Whatever Happened to Baby Dali?

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Chief

Theo "Smoothie" Walsh

Leona Pope

Dali 1

Other Dalis

Melody

Harmony

Waitress

Larry

Four Reporters

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a notorious Newsroom, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SCENE 1

SOUND bullpen

REPORTER 1 So your sister said - oh, not YOUR sister, a NUN named SISTER.

REPORTER 2 Drinking the vinegar counteracts the toxins in the system due to--

REPORTER 3 Fourteen people just vanished? Were you on any mind-altering substances?

REPORTER 4 Yes, if you spell it backwards it certainly does make the word--

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

THEO Chief? I - uh-- [breaks off in horror]

SOUND RUSTLE OF TAFFETA

CHIEF Whaddaya think?

THEO [freaked out] Are you... getting married? [squeak] In white?

LEONA [quiet] Are you really asking?

THEO Uh--

CHIEF Nah - scared ya didn't I?

THEO Uh--

CHIEF Don't worry. I'm still eligible.

THEO Uh--?

LEONA Back away. Don't take your eyes off her.

CHIEF Whaddaya think? It's a little tight in the gut. Gonna have to cut some of them carbs.

THEO [trying] Yeah. That would do it.

CHIEF At least I got the shoulders to pull off strapless. Hey, where you going?

THEO Uh--!

LEONA Eager to get to work. You know these young pups.

CHIEF Good attitude. Interview room 3.

THEO Oh, good!

LEONA [side of her mouth] Quick.

SCENE 2

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO what was that?

LEONA It's June.

THEO And?

LEONA Happens about this time every year.

THEO Why?

LEONA Bridal feature pull-out? I don't know! [hissed] I don't ask! [commanding] Room 3.

THEO Oh, right.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA You go first.

THEO Right. [a beat] Holy cow! It's her!

LEONA Chief doesn't move that fast. Especially in a train.

THEO No, I mean - I mean - It IS you, isn't it?

DALI 1 Is it safe here?

THEO Why does everyone ask that?

LEONA Who does he think you are?

DALI 1 I'm - I'm Baby Dali.

THEO I knew it! I love your music.

LEONA We don't do publicity stunts. C'mon, Smoothie.

SOUND HUSTLES HIM OUT OF ROOM, DOOR SHUTS

THEO We don't?

LEONA Of course we do. When we arrange them. Part of our job - your job - is to protect the Bugle from being used for anyone ELSE's cheap publicity.

THEO Oh. But Baby Dali's been missing for fourteen days!

LEONA Probably in rehab.

THEO No! No one knows where she's been! If we could break the story--

SCENE 3

LARRY Hey! You'll never guess who I just took a call from!

THEO Ratboy?

LEONA State mental health board?

LARRY [gloating] Baby Dali. She's ready to come home, and called US to break the story!

THEO Wait, but she--

SOUND SLAP

LEONA [covering] When did she call?

LARRY Just now.

THEO Where did she say she was?

LARRY Hah! No way. This is MY scoop! [running away, laughing] My ticket out of the bullpen! [stops, turns back] Hah!

THEO That's ... sad.

LEONA Yeah. Send a stripper. Come on.

THEO Where are we going?

LEONA [exasperated] Room 3?

THEO Aha!

SCENE 4

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA Sorry about that. Had to do some quick fact checking.

THEO Yeah! Make sure you're really.... [melting] Really her.

DALI 1 Precisely the problem! Proving I'm her! I mean me.

LEONA [muttered prompt] Oh?

THEO [gasp] Oh?

DALI 1 I'm plagued with posers!

LEONA [sigh] Aren't the solid black sunglasses and white fright wig a bit of a giveaway?

THEO [infatuated] I knew who you were the moment I saw you.

DALI 1 You have a nice face.

THEO I do?

LEONA My colleague will now take notes.

SOUND PEN, PAPER, SLAPPED DOWN

THEO Yeah....

MUSIC

SCENE 5

SOUND IN CAR

THEO Where are we going?

LEONA Following Larry.

THEO Who?

LEONA [disgusted sigh]

THEO [getting it] Oh, him! How do we find him again?

LEONA He hasn't left yet.

THEO How do you know?

LEONA I ordered donuts.

DALI 1 Oh!

LEONA Shh. You're not here, remember?

DALI 1 [singing] I swear!

THEO Why is she hiding in the back seat under your gym bag?

LEONA One - so she won't be seen, since she won't take off that wig.

DALI 1 It is my own hair!

LEONA Like hell. I saw it shift.

DALI 1 It is a wig - but it IS my own hair.

LEONA [shudder] uhhhhh.

THEO And two?

LEONA Two what?

THEO You said that was reason one. What's two?

LEONA So you can focus, dumbass.

THEO Oh.

LEONA There he goes! Keep your eyes on the green Camaro.

THEO Camaro?

LEONA [growl] Green car. Coming out of the parking garage!

THEO Gotcha.

MUSIC

SCENE 6

AMB PARK

LARRY [giving a code phrase] The dog flies in the springtime.

DALI 2 [squeaky] Yellow is the color of my true love's eyes.

LARRY You sound... different.

DALI 2 I use a voice modulator on stage.

LARRY Ah. So. The world is listening. Tell me your story.

DALI 2 Listening? Aren't you from the print media?

LARRY Oh. Yeah. I was speaking figuratively.

DALI 2 I see. Anyway... I have a really big story, but I have to be certain it will see print!

LARRY Of course!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS STORM UP

DALI 1 Imposter!

DALI 2 Imposter!

LEONA [off, whispered] I thought you were watching her!

THEO [vague] Uh-huh.

LEONA Go get the story dumbass.

THEO But you?

LEONA I can take photos from here.

THEO [vague] Okay.

SOUND SLAP

LEONA Did I mention I'm not giving warnings any more?

LARRY [angry] You? No way! The tale of two Dalis is all mine!

THEO I - we - brought one of them.

LARRY Then dance with the Dali you came with! It's only fair!

DALI 1 She's a fake!

DALI 2 She's a fake!

THEO Waitaminute. You don't even sound like--

BOTH DALIS Autotune!!

DALI 3 [chiming in] Autotune.

THEO Oh. Huh? Three?

MUSIC

SCENE 7

WAITRESS All, righty then - that will be 3 orders of waffles, three fruit cups-

ALL DALIS It's the only thing vegan on the menu.

WAITRESS And two pots of coffee. Comin right up!

SOUND DOOR OPENS

SOUND DINER NOISES

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OUT THE SOUND

LEONA [prompting] Ok, this isn't going to last forever - someone will say something, eventually, and then these three won't be an exclusive any more!

LARRY Exclusive to all three of us. I get my credit, too.

THEO Of course! Fair is fair.

LEONA [muttered] I got your credit right here.

DALI 1 Can we get on with this?

DALI 2 I have a recording session in two hours.

DALI 3 No, I do.

DALI 1 How can they be so much like me?

LEONA Ask them some questions - figure out which is the real one.

THEO Right. Ok. Which of you is the real Baby Dali?

ALL DALIS I am.

DALI 3 Or should I say [singing] I am me and no one else is.

LARRY Sounds convincing to me.

LEONA I think that one's a guy.

THEO That doesn't help... there's been "speculation" about Dali.

LEONA [disgusted noise] Ugh! At least let me get some snaps while you think.

SOUND TAKING PHOTOS

THEO Gee, they even pose alike.

LARRY I guess it will all come down to DNA.

THEO I don't think so. Dali is a notorious germophobe, and a compulsive clean freak. [nervously over explaining] According to her official web page, which I only browsed for informational newspaper business reasons.

LARRY Yeah, me too, but I didn't read much. Those costumes are pretty skimpy.

THEO Don't be so creepy, not right in front of her - uh, them.

SCENE 8

SOUND DOOR KICKED IN

THEO Whoa!

LARRY [faints] Uhhh...

LEONA I'll be in the... uh... Corner.

THEO Stop right there!

MELODY You're not giving orders here!

HARMONY Yeah. Get those hands up where we can see them.

LEONA Keep them talking, this is great.

THEO Talking?

LEONA Find out what they want.

THEO They're dressed like ninjas.

MELODY What did you say?

THEO Nothing!

MELODY I heard you, and I have perfect pitch.

THEO oh. Nothing ... uh... uncomplimentary.

MELODY [getting closer] Do you know who we are?

LEONA Say no.

THEO Uh, no? and - and I don't want to, because that way I can never identify you or even report you for robbing a waffle house!

MELODY [scoffing] Waffle house!

HARMONY We care nothing for your waffles.

THEO Uh, ok.

ALL DALIS We're having the fruit cup.

MELODY No. No fruit cup today. You are coming with us. Just you three.

LEONA You can't just leave us here. We might-- [prompting] might--?

THEO Uh, what?

LEONA We might [prompting] do something? Ugh!

THEO We might tell [heavy import] THEM.

MELODY [horrified] How do you know about THEM?

LEONA I'm actually impressed.

THEO oh... Everyone knows about THEM. But only a select few know how to reach THEM.

LEONA Smoothie.

MELODY [grim] right. You will come with us as well.

HARMONY What about the sleeping one? Does he know THEM?

LEONA Oh, him? He doesn't know anyone.

MUSIC

SCENE 9

SOUND WALKING, ECHOEY

MELODY Stop!

THEO Can we take off the blindfolds now?

MELODY Harmony! Take off the blindfolds. And search them. We don't want any messages getting to THEM.

SOUND RUSTLING

ALL DALIS [general interjections of annoyance like Hey! Stop! Ouch! Ooh!]

HARMONY Give me your phone.

LEONA Here.

SOUND ZIP

HARMONY What's this, in your bag? [confused, examining a camera] It has a lens like a phone, but it's awfully big. And it doesn't even have a keypad.

LEONA Hmph. It's an antique. Keepsake. I keep meaning to have it mounted on a keychain.

HARMONY It's big for a keychain.

LEONA [exasperated] I'll never lose my keys. Besides, I still use the flash... uh - flashlight function sometimes. See?

SOUND CAMERA SNAPS

HARMONY Oh. Ok then. And you.

THEO Be gentle.

LEONA [sarcastic aside] Be careful. At least she left on the ninja mask. [up, to Theo] find out what's going on.

THEO Harmony, is it? A codename, I'm sure, since you and your partner there are clearly too smart to use your real names in front of your victims - I mean in front of civilians.

HARMONY [noncommittal grunt] Hmph.

THEO All right. I'm not asking for me, but what do you plan to do with the Baby Dalis? I worry that something bad is going to happen.

HARMONY Nothing bad. To them.

THEO That's a lower case "them," right? Not a THEM them?

MELODY Enough chit-chat! You probably know why we brought you here--

LEONA Not a clue.

THEO No.

MELODY We are the Secret Protectorate Aligned to Reduce or Control Leaching of Entertainers.

THEO Leaching? Huh?

MELODY We needed an "L".

LEONA Sparcle? [snort of almost laughter]

THEO Tell me more. I'm a good listener.

MELODY You don't know it, friend, but there's a celebrity crisis happening every 20 minutes, and no one else is trying to help!

THEO No? Really?

MELODY That - those three - are proof of the latest perfidy the government has in the works.

ALL DALIS We are?

MELODY [definite] Cloning.

THEO Wow.

ALL DALIS Uh...

DALI 3 [panicked] I need to use the bathroom.

MUSIC

SCENE 10

[Whispered conversation]

DALI 1 Yes, my disappearance was a publicity stunt, and yes I am the real Baby Dali.

LEONA Heh heh - just like To Tell The Truth.

DALI 2 What?

LEONA God I feel old.

THEO And the other two - you and ... her?

DALI 2 Professional Dali impersonator. I was just taking advantage of the vacuum left by her--

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER

DALI 3 [crying and running in]

MELODY Do not worry, Baby Dalis, we are only here to liberate you and facilitate your re-entry into society.

LEONA Like a celebrity dogpound.

THEO Wait!

MELODY What?

THEO Uh--

LEONA Better make it truly, monumentally good.

DALI 2 Way to take the pressure off.

THEO Uh, what if I were to tell you I'm a reporter for the Weekly World Bugle?

MELODY I would be forced to kill you.

HARMONY We're not yet ready to reveal our manifesto to the world.

THEO Ah. Good thing that would have been a ruse, then, eh?

LEONA We're gonna die.

THEO But you have to ask yourself, then, how DO I know about THEM?

Moment of silence

MELODY [cold] I don't have to ask anything.

HARMONY [shocked] Melody! You know that we can't do that! [cut off]

MELODY Shh!!! How do I even know that you know about THEM, eh?

LEONA I do not want to die at the hands of bimbos named after the bugaloos.

THEO [ominous but vague] Do you know about the government connection?

MELODY [shocked] You know?

THEO But it's not who you think it is. They want us to believe it's this department, or that [hinting] bureau, when ultimately... [trails off suggestively]

HARMONY He does know!

THEO The officials in question might just find themselves a little less able to sleep at night, if they knew that you knew that I know that THEY know just what's behind it all.

MELODY Do you know the countersign?

THEO Like that incident last month. [breaking his train] The what?

LEONA [muttered] Bugaloos.

THEO What?

MELODY [suspicious] It almost sounds like you're one of us. Do you know the countersign?

LEONA [muttered] Benita Bizarre?

THEO Uh... Josie and the Pussycats?

LEONA [exasperated] Damn!

MELODY Welcome brother!

LEONA [impressed] Damn!

MUSIC

SCENE 11

AMB DIFFERENT ROOM

SOUND STEPS

MELODY Don't speak yet.

SOUND MUSIC TURNED ON

MELODY It jams any listening device.

THEO I love this song.

MELODY It seemed fitting. [suddenly brisk] So. What do you know about the cloning project?

THEO Uh... nothing specific. We've had our eye on suspicious activity for quite some time.

MELODY Damn. I was hoping.

THEO But--

MELODY What?

THEO Well... I don't think they can be actual "clones". Don't they take years to grow? And Baby Dali only really got famous with her song "Treehouse victim" last year.

MELODY You underestimate the cloning process. The technology is there.

THEO Oh. But they're not... perfect copies...?

MELODY That is the trickiest part. They are clearly mixing DNA.

THEO Clearly?

MELODY Yes. The squeaky one is probably mixed with that creepy chick from Poultergeist.

THEO Ri-i-ight. And the other?

MELODY [definite] Morgan Freeman.

THEO Uh, yeah.

SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN

HARMONY (breathless) We've found more! There must have been a breach at the Baby Dali containment center!

THEO Containment Center?

MELODY They had to breed them some place.

THEO Tell me, do you guys see a lot of Elvises?

MELODY How many?

THEO Thousands.

MELODY No, I mean how many Babys have we found?

HARMONY Four more, and another 8 possible sightings.

THEO That's a lot of Dalis.

MUSIC

SCENE 12

SOUND DOOR OPENS, SCUFFLE SUDDENLY STOPS

SOUND FEET, DOOR SHUTS

THEO What are you doing?

DALI 2 I want to take this all off and get them to let me go! But they won't let me!

LEONA Naked? That'll be a photo op.

DALI 2 Just the makeup and wig!

DALI 1 Never tarnish the illusion.

THEO Don't! Their belief in this clone thing might be the only thing keeping us all alive.

DALI 3 Besides, I can't take it off - I've had surgery.

THEO [creeped out] Oh?

DALI 3 For my FACE. Not down there. That's probably what started all the rumors.

DALI 1 I love the rumors.

DALI 3 [starstruck] You do? Really?

LEONA Shh!

SOUND SILENCE, DOOR OPENS

HARMONY Get in there!

SOUND SEVERAL PAIRS OF FEET

LEONA More?

THEO Oh, yeah. They've been finding more of them.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS

DALI 4 They took me right off the stage!

DALI 5 I was on a date.

DALI 7 Busking in the subway.

DALI 8 [bad asian accent] I Baby Dorry.

DALI 6 I was working a party.

THEO And no one tried to stop them from taking you?

DALI 6 What could 6-year olds do?

THEO Oh. [gets it] Ohhh.

DALI 9 I like your glasses. Are those Couture?

DALI 10 Knockoffs, but they're good aren't they? I'll give you the url.

LEONA Even if one of them does get naked, I don't think it will stop them. [up] Haven't you - no I mean you - already done that on stage?

ALL DALIS I am a SPECTACLE!

LEONA She's done just about everything on stage except light her farts.

THEO That's it!

ALL DALIS We're vegan.

LEONA Don't look at me.

THEO I don't mean [hinting] lighting gas...

LEONA You lost me.

THEO Have you ever seen the movie Gaslight?

MUSIC

SCENE 13

THEO Hey! You better get in here!

SOUND LOCK UNLOCKING

LEONA One more shot.

SOUND SNAPSHOT

SOUND DOOR OPENS

HARMONY [horrified] What happened? Where's their hair?

MELODY Is she - uh, that one - dead?

THEO [strange voice] She is dying of captivity.

ALL DALIS [chanting together] We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams.

MELODY But she's still talking.

THEO Mechanical convictions.

HARMONY I love that song.

MELODY Brother Theo, what happened?

THEO There is more at work here than you can comprehend. I like you.

LEONA Straight from Gaslight to Star Trek. Smooth.

MELODY What?

THEO But I hate you.

HARMONY You're mean!

SOUND SHE GOES RUNNING OFF, CRYING

ALL DALIS [CHANTING ALONG] World-losers and world forsakers, on who the pale moon gleams.

THEO Oh! Uh--

LEONA Don't back off.

THEO Right. [trying to match the Dali tone] We are the Music Makers and We are the Dreamers of Dreams.

LEONA You do realize she didn't write that, don't you?

MELODY [confused] Why are you just speaking it like that, why aren't you singing?

THEO [creepy whisper] Because - we have no melody!

MELODY [disturbed] But-but I'm Melody!

THEO Are you? Are you even here?

MELODY I - I am! And I still have the gun - uh... [horrified] My gun?!

LEONA Plan B.

SOUND GUN COCKS

LEONA [commanding] Time to go.

THEO Ok, we--

LEONA Quick, before they decide on an encore.

MUSIC

SCENE 14

CHIEF Good thing you got them all moving.

LEONA We got pictures of them both with and without the wigs, and of them leaving to get on a special charter bus.

THEO They painted the name on the side really fast.

LEONA No, that's actually a company that only gives tours to Dali impersonators.

THEO Go figure. Do they have an Elvis bus too?

LEONA Yeah. But they get fewer drag performers.

CHIEF [reminiscent] Yeah. They serve deep fried bananas, and spin a wheel to see which color outfit gets to sit shotgun. [breaking out] Uh, uh - I mean, I hear they do.

LEONA [quick, changing the subject] Right. We've got at least four stories out of this.

THEO And something for Larry.

LEONA [annoyed and horrified] What?

THEO He was in on it, too. [sheepish] at the beginning.

CHIEF Larry? Larry who?

LEONA From the switchboard.

CHIEF Look kid. Being nice ain't how news gets made. It's just a fact o' life.

THEO Well... If we don't give him something, he might take what he DOES have and go to another paper.

LEONA You want to give him a story?

THEO [weakly] He could have the waffle house kidnapping.

LEONA [long suffering sigh] I guess. As long as he leaves our names out of it. You just volunteered to edit it.

THEO Okay.

CHIEF So what else do you have for me?

THEO Mass migration of dalis.

LEONA [snickering] SPARCLE.

THEO The sublimation of and abrogation of self in the gestalt identity of celebrity.

LEONA Seriously?

THEO I can spin it.

CHIEF Nice. Big words make people believe crap like that. Whatever it is.

THEO I meant an article on how people try and be like famous people.

CHIEF Keep the big words. It sounds better.

THEO I'll find some experts.

LEONA [another idea] There's also that thing about whether she is a he. Theo found out--

THEO Uh, no.

CHIEF What do you mean?

THEO The real one wouldn't confirm or deny.

LEONA Even when she kissed you?

THEO Yeah, well... [shrugs] A Dali is a Dali.

CHIEF You could do something with that, you know. On the puzzles page. Get three of them and one fake impersonator.

LEONA [chuckles]

CHIEF Put pictures of them all in a four box grid and stick some clues in as to which is which. Run a little contest. Think about it. [commanding] In your office. I have to call someone about flowers.

THEO [thinking back to the wedding thing] Flowers? For?

CHIEF Truman at the Guardian when he drops dead seeing our headlines.

THEO Ohhh. Good.

LEONA Come on.

CHIEF Eh. Maybe I should just send that stripper.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

SOUND THEY LEAVE - THIS FADES ACROSS THE BULLPEN

LEONA I like the puzzle idea, though we should make it 9-up, like the brady bunch.

THEO Who?

LEONA [angry growl] Nostalgia. Look it up.

THEO Who will be the fake impersonator?

LEONA She did say you have a nice face.

THEO NO way!

LEONA I have to take the picture.

REPORTER 4 We actually already have all the Dalis we can use.

REPORTER 3 No, thanks, but if you have an MJ sighting? No?

REPORTER 2 Anything else? Photo of the prez stepping into a spaceship?

REPORTER 1 Yes, yes I'll ask - can we use anything from Ringo Starr? He's on the line and--

ALL REPORTERS Naaaaaaaah.

FADE TO END

Rookie newshound Theo Walsh is sent on his first job for the World Bugle (provider of hard-hitting news about Elvis, aliens, and the paranormal) Oh, my!

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

Theo Walsh - Henry Mark Leona Pope - Robyn Keyes Selena Hempstead - Karena Fredrick Chief - Julie Hoverson Child - Chandra Wade Truth - Melissa Pang Justice - Jerry Bennett Hygiene - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Bruce, the Bounty Hunter - Joel Harvey Sidekick - Reynaud Leboeuf Awesome Guest appearance by Bryan, Dave, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie Podcast as the other reporters!!!

Episode Music: Josh Woodward (www.joshwoodward.com) 19 Nocturne theme - Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson

Cover: Brett Coulstock

What kind of a place is it? Why it's a bullpen - this is where the NEWS happens.

***********************************************************************

CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY!

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Selena Hempstead, the mother

Theo Walsh, cub reporter

Leona Pope, jaded old hand photographer

Justice, older male cultist

Hygiene, stern female cultist

Truth, sweet female cultist

Chief, Editor of the Monthly Bugle

Reporters Bryan, Dave, Randy and Wes

Bruce the bounty hunter

Thug, his sidekick

Child

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a bullpen, can't you tell? This is where the news happens.

MUSIC

SOUND PASSING THROUGH A NOISY NEWSROOM

REPORTER BRYAN [on phone] We can't do anything about that unless Elvis actually spoke to you. He did? Can your dog verify that?

REPORTER WES [on phone] Right, I got that, but the beans - you have to eat them raw for the diet to work? Isn't that kind of crunchy?

REPORTER RANDY Do you have any pictures? Was the alien wearing the leather bunny suit while it was impregnating you?

REPORTER DAVE How do you know the post-it was placed on your fridge by aliens?

SOUND DOOR OPENS, NOISE CONTINUES UNDER

THEO Hello? Boss?

LEONA Come on in.

THEO Cool!

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, NOISE CUT OUT

THEO Hey! I'm super excited to have this chance to--

LEONA Save it. I'm not the guy. Editor'll be back in a moment.

THEO Oh! Well, I'm Theo.

SOUND FLUSH

LEONA Whatever you do, don't stare.

THEO Stare?

SOUND DOOR OPENS, HANDS WIPING ON TOWEL

CHIEF All right - oh you're here, good.

THEO Um - yeah, I'm so excited to have this chance to--

CHIEF Save it. I got your resume. Right, Theo - Theo....

SOUND PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED

THEO Walsh?

CHIEF You don't sound all that sure. Not a bad name, though kinda normal. How about we give you a nickname - Flash! No, that doesn't work with Walsh. Zip?

LEONA I'll see what fits. What's the job?

CHIEF Yeah, yeah. Ok, Theo Walsh with a journalism degree from West Podunk Community College, meet Leona Pope - she'll keep you from hurting yourself or making the Bugle liable.

LEONA Mostly I just take your photos.

THEO So, what are we going to be working on--?

CHIEF Theo. Leona. E-O. There you go. You're the E-O team now - no, no - even better - Team E-O.

LEONA Whatever.

CHIEF All business, eh, doll? Right, then. Look, Theo, my family has run this magazine for three generations.

THEO [eager] Oh, yes - I know!

LEONA [heavy sigh] Newb.

THEO This newspaper brings the most cutting edge stories to life every week!

LEONA You actually believe that?

CHIEF Shut it. Go on.

THEO Well, I've followed the World Bugle for years - and I do realize that a lot of the material in here is puff - or straight out made up stuff--

CHIEF What!?

THEO [backpedaling] No! no - let me explain! I understand completely - to be able to print the hard cold truth about the really controversial topics, like UFOs and the paranormal, you have to fill in the bulk of the magazine with implausibilities, just so that the real truth only reaches the people who already understand!

CHIEF Hmph. Yeah. Something like that.

LEONA [wicked chuckle]

CHIEF Anyway. I've got a sauna and massage, followed by a mani-pedi at noon, so let's get you moving-- I have an informant in room 3. Have fun.

THEO I'm so excited about this--

LEONA Come on.

SOUND PHONE PICKED UP

CHIEF Yeah, Sergei? Oh yeah, that sounds real nice...

SOUND DOOR OPENS, NEWSROOM NOISE

LEONA Left.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO Wh-what did you mean, don't stare?

LEONA At the Chief.

THEO He looks just like any other big newspaper editor.

LEONA You missed it?

THEO You mean the comb-over and five o'clock shadow? The mole? The flabby man-boobs?

LEONA Woman-boobs.

THEO [shuddering] Oh....

SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP

THEO After you.

LEONA You're the reporter. You go first. [ominous] Always.

THEO You make that sound like a bad thing.

LEONA I've been in the biz for 20 years and I've been teamed up 73 times. You do the math.

THEO Oh.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

THEO Hello. Um, I'm Theo--

LEONA Wink.

THEO [boggled] What?

LEONA Trying out nicknames.

THEO Not right now.

SELENA Hello?

THEO Yes, sorry. I'm Theo. This is Leona.

SELENA Is it safe here?

THEO Um--

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO [shrug] Yeah. [brightly] So you have a story for us?

SELENA Yes, but - there's a life at stake.

THEO [eager] Really?

SELENA [trying not to cry] My... baby.

THEO Oh! Here--

SOUND TISSUE BOX GRABBED AND MOVED, TISSUE PULLED

SELENA [blows her nose] They took him--!

THEO Aliens?

SELENA No. Worse.

THEO Scientologists?

SELENA [dry, not crying] Oh, please. [sniffling again] Cultists.

THEO Other cultists?

SELENA [annoyed] Yes - are you--? Um, is there another reporter I can talk to?

THEO Sorry, I'm just trying to make sure I get my facts straight.

LEONA [musing] Straight. Arrow. Shooter.

THEO What?

LEONA Nothing. But I think you got your first headline right there.

THEO I do?

LEONA [important] CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY!

MUSIC, BUT

SELENA [over music] Did you say his first?

MUSIC ENDS

SOUND CAR NOISES

THEO [narrating] So team E-O made their way to the lair of the cultists.

LEONA Town.

THEO They have a whole town?

LEONA Were you narrating?

SOUND TAPE RECORDER TURNED OFF, HIDDEN

THEO Me, no. Why? Is that bad?

LEONA I worked with a guy who narrated once. Once.

THEO [gulp] Oh. Well. What's the name of this town?

LEONA Where were you during the interview?

THEO I was there - I even took notes.

LEONA How many shirt buttons did she have open?

THEO [dreamy] four.

LEONA [sigh]

THEO Right, um--

SOUND FLIPPING PAGES

THEO Wow. [reading] I don't remember any of this.

LEONA Automatic writing?

THEO How do you think I got through college?

SOUND FLIPS ONE MORE PAGE

THEO Aha! Sorry - nope. I didn't get the name. Just wrote "Town."

LEONA Yup.

THEO What?

LEONA The name was "town". Apparently they're big on using the "true names" of things.

THEO Bet that's easy to find on a map.

MUSIC

LEONA [flat] Wow. [sucks in air] Just... wow.

THEO It's so...clean. And everyone looks kind of ... normal.

LEONA What were you expecting? Black robes and facial tattoes?

THEO Um... yeah.

TRUTH May I help you?

THEO um--?

LEONA All yours.

THEO [gulps] Right. [deep breath, blows out] Right. We're ...uh...

LEONA Smooth. That should be your nickname. Smoothie.

THEO ...scouting for a new smoothie bar. Our Smoothie bar company...um... Groovy Smoothie ...is looking for new locations.

LEONA Not too dusty.

TRUTH Wow. That would be lovely. But you'd have to use all natural ingredients. We're very back to nature here.

THEO I noticed. The all-cotton clothes. The non-synthetic shoes and accessories.

LEONA Metrosexual.

TRUTH Are you sure you just noticed, or have you been doing your homework?

THEO Um... While I'd love to say I was bright enough--

LEONA So would I.

THEO --to look ahead, I really just noticed.

TRUTH That's still good. Why don't we walk and you can tell me more about your smoothies?

LEONA I'll just snap some pics. For the folks back home. You two kids talk.

THEO Yeah. Sure!

MUSIC

AMB IN CAR, DRIVING

LEONA [exasperated sigh] I sure hope you were taking notes. She was too cute for your ears to work.

THEO If she's an example, I can't believe they're any kind of BAD cult.

LEONA Dickhead.

THEO What?

LEONA Just addressing your thinking end.

THEO No, I'm not... that kind of guy! She's sweet. [beat] I'm really not!

LEONA Yeah, yeah. What did miss pretty poison have to say?

THEO Truth.

LEONA Pushover.

THEO No, her name's Truth. They go in for--

LEONA Those literal names, right.

THEO Yup. Anyway, I couldn't ask about kidnapped kids, being in the smoothie business, but I think I got some good notes about the layout of the place.

LEONA Where do they keep the kids?

SOUND FLIPPING PAGES

THEO Well, they actually take in a lot of foster kids in this town. Apparently, they think of it as a holy cause - working with troubled children.

LEONA Vulnerable and open to manipulation. Or already so messed up, they can't complain.

THEO No! They work on healing their psychic wounds.

LEONA Her words?

THEO Yes....

LEONA Did she try and sell you on the religion?

THEO [trying to change the subject] Uh, is it much further to the motel?

LEONA [resigned, commanding] Show me.

SOUND PAMPHLET PULLED FROM POCKET

THEO It's research.

LEONA Right. Cuz they'd want a smoothie shop run by a non-believer.

THEO I actually told her that the company's policy was to bring in a manager, but hire everyone else locally - then, if someone local was able to take over, the company would be happy to--

LEONA McDoggies?

THEO What?

LEONA Where you worked your way through college?

THEO Oh. Yeah. Actually ...um... let's just say I can't stand the smell of coffee any more.

LEONA Oh-ho!

MUSIC

[whispered conversation]

SOUND CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES

THEO Thanks for coming along!

LEONA Are you joking? This is how I get my best pictures. You go first.

THEO Right. This should be about where the orphanage office is--

LEONA Shh!

SOUND INDISTINCT VOICES

THEO [whispered] Just a bit closer.

HYGIENE [normal, but off] ...utterly unruly. We have had to use... very stringent techniques.

THEO [whispered] Brainwashing!

LEONA [whispered] Listen now - talk later!

JUSTICE [normal but off] You have all my faith, Hygiene. You know how vital your part in this is.

THEO [whispered] I wish I had a tape recorder.

LEONA [whispered] Hand.

THEO [whispered] Huh?

SOUND SLAPS SOMETHING INTO HIS HAND

SOUND THUMP ON MIKE as it segues into a recording.

EVERYTHING NOT NOTED IS ON THE RECORDING

LEONA [whispered] It's already running.

THEO [whispered] But it's so small--

LEONA [whispered] I'm gonna slap you.

THEO [whispered] Right!

SOUND FUMBLING WITH THE MIKE

LEONA [now] I still plan to slap you.

THEO [now] Um, OK. [bracing himself] Go on.

LEONA [now] Uh-uh [no]. More fun if you don't see it coming.

BACK TO THE TAPE unless noted

THEO Which end do I-- Ow!

SOUND SLAP

LEONA See? Just get it near the window. [fading out] It picks up everything.

THEO [off] okay.

HYGIENE [fading in] running all over the place, breaking things, and causing havoc.

JUSTICE That WOULD be more predictable.

HYGIENE But Lucifer just sits and stares wrathfully! He is completely placid when you move him, but he won't respond to commands!

THEO [real] Lucifer? What happened to the whole true names thing?

JUSTICE Docility has its place.

LEONA [real] Maybe he has to graduate first or something.

HYGIENE It is unnatural in a child this age.

JUSTICE Perhaps it is time for... extreme measures.

HYGIENE Give me one more week before we subject him to that?

JUSTICE There isn't time. We have to break him, Hygiene. Make him ours.

HYGIENE Very well, father justice. Your word is my command.

SOUND TAPE CLICKS OFF, BACK TO REAL

AMB HOTEL ROOM. THUMPING NOISES AND BEDSPRINGS FROM NEXT DOOR

THEO Wow.

LEONA Yeah. [beat] They've been at it for nearly an hour now.

THEO No, I mean the tape. [beat] It sounds horrible.

LEONA Course it does.

THEO Can you imagine the leg cramps you would get?

LEONA The tape?

THEO Right. So, we have to get that kid out of there!

LEONA And you've been smoking, what?

THEO Huh?

LEONA We report the news. We don't make it.

THEO But how can we leave a poor defenseless child in the hands of ... those people?

LEONA Easy. We drive away, file the story, and then come back in a year to file another story about how the kid is growing up in the cult. Then a five year follow up, a tenth anniversary...

THEO No. How about this - intrepid reporter bravely rescues child from abductors? You can't say that's not a prime story!

LEONA Hmph. Yes, but--

THEO But?

LEONA [evil sweet] How about this? Dumbass rookie newshound shot dead trying to break into secret cult enclave.

THEO Oh.

MUSIC

AMB BAR

THEO What do I do here?

LEONA Mingle. Try not to get carded more than once, peach fuzz.

THEO Shouldn't we be getting ready for the drive home?

LEONA [sigh] Local color. Trying to see what the nearby folks think of the people up in Town.

THEO Really?

LEONA And half price jello shooters. It IS ladies' night. [commanding] You're driving.

THEO Leona? Leo? Oh, crap.

TRUTH Smoothie man!

THEO Uh, yeah. Yes. Truth. Nice to see you - not the kind of place - um -

TRUTH [teasing] Where you usually find much truth?

THEO Right. [laughs unconvincingly] Yeah. Aren't you supposed to be all holy or something? I mean - darn it - I mean, not drinking and carousing or anything?

TRUTH Carousing? I didn't think anyone used that word any more.

THEO Writers do. I mean, I write. Stuff.

TRUTH Like?

THEO Like?

TRUTH Stuff like what?

THEO uh [wobbles] Greeting cards?

TRUTH Lots of...carousing... in greeting cards.

THEO [fumbling, but gaining strength] I don't plan to write greeting cards forever. [shakes himself back to the present] But why are you here?

TRUTH We believe in being as real as possible. Having fun is very real. And no, we don't drink, but we do dance and occasionally even sing karaoke.

THEO [terrified] Karry-[gulp]-oke?

TRUTH Thursdays. You're in "no danger, Will Robinson."

THEO So you don't believe a sense of humor is wrong either.

TRUTH Nope.

SHIFT THROUGH THE BAR, MUSIC GETS LOUDER AT THIS END

LEONA [slurry, drunk] Jes one more - green's my flavorite.

BRUCE One more and you're gonna be flat on the floor, babe.

LEONA On top o' you.

BRUCE [chuckles] This floor is dirty - we gotta perfectly nice carpet back at our hotel.

LEONA [a bit sharper] "We?"

BRUCE Me and my partner.

LEONA I don't shwing that way.

BRUCE Nah - not like that! We work together. That's him over there with the redheaded triplets hanging on his every word.

LEONA The viking? What kind of work you do?

BRUCE [sexy whisper] Promise you won't tell?

LEONA Crosh my heart.

BRUCE That's not your heart.

LEONA Oh yeah? I got hearts all over the place.

BRUCE Ooh. Well, we're-- [glances around] Bounty hunters.

LEONA Like the guy on TV?

BRUCE Well I'm single, but yeah.

LEONA You gonna apprehend someone?

BRUCE Something like that. But the only one I want to get my hands on tonight is you.

LEONA Mmm. I gotta hit the catbox. Be back after I scratch.

BRUCE I'll get you more .... green.

LEONA Oh, yeah.

MUSIC SWELLS FOR A SECOND, THEN SLOWS TO A DANCE

TRUTH You're a very nice guy, Smoothie.

THEO It's ...Theo.

TRUTH We like names that describe people.

THEO I'm really not all that... smooth.

TRUTH Feels like it from here.

LEONA [not sounding the least bit drunk] We're going.

THEO What?

TRUTH At least let us finish this dance.

LEONA Sorry, babe. Duty calls.

THEO Smoothie duty.

TRUTH What--?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

MUSIC CUTS OUT

AMB OUTSIDE, NIGHT

THEO What was all that?

LEONA We need to get out of here. [moving slightly away]

THEO Out of town?

LEONA Out of the line of fire.

SOUND CAR DOOR DOOTS

LEONA It's a setup.

SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS

THEO What? Set up for what?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

LEONA [in car, something unintelligible]

THEO What?

SOUND WINDOW ROLLS DOWN

LEONA I'm leaving. You can climb in or stand here.

SOUND DOOR WRENCHED OPEN

THEO I thought I was supposed to drive! [ends in a squeal as she yanks him in]

MUSIC

Amb In car

THEO Where are we going?

LEONA Back to headquarters.

THEO Why?

LEONA [sigh, drums fingers] Bounty hunters.

THEO Are you on their hot list?

LEONA Not me. Dammit, kid - think! What are the odds there's a fugitive in this area? Anyone they might be hunting other than-- [tails off, hinting]

THEO Us?

LEONA How can you be so dense?

THEO [finally getting it] Oh! The kid!

LEONA Bingo, Smoothie.

MOMENT OF SILENCE

THEO We need to go back.

LEONA You're an idiot.

THEO I'm not.

LEONA You're smitten, ya weenie.

THEO I'm not-- [gives up] Yes. Yes, I'm ... in love with Truth.

LEONA Right.

THEO But I'm even more in love with the idea of catching bounty hunters in the act.

LEONA [wobbling a bit] No.

THEO [spinning the story] Breaking into a religious compound.

LEONA [cracking a bit more] No.

THEO [seductive] Maybe using extreme force. Carrying off a kicking and screaming toddler.

LEONA [growl]

SOUND CAR BRAKES TO A STOP

LEONA [ground out] You little shit.

MUSIC

AMB NIGHT, OUTSIDE

SOUND CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES

LEONA [whispered] Well, Déjà my vu, kemosabe.

THEO [whispered] I think we beat them here. We have to warn Truth.

LEONA Hell to the no, as they say. You can play hero all you want - AFTER I get the shot.

THEO What if they have guns?

LEONA Stop, drop and roll. I'll be in the bushes.

MUSIC TIME PASSES

THEO [yawning, dozing off]

SOUND A DISTANT CAR PULLS UP

THEO another big yawn

SOUND SPRITZ

THEO [gasping and choking, suddenly muffled]

[note: Leona sprayed breath freshener in his open snoozing mouth then slapped a hand over it when he woke up]

LEONA [urgent whisper] Shh! They're here.

THEO [finally gets control of himself, gulps] WHY'D you do that?

LEONA Nothing like waking up minty fresh! They're over there, far side of the-- oh boy.

THEO What? It's so dark.

LEONA [tsks] Looks like three of them, skulking across the lawn.

THEO [amused] Skulking.

LEONA What's wrong with skulking?

THEO Truth would be amused--

LEONA Fine! But later, all right?

THEO Oh. Yeah. Skulking now. Can we-- um-- head them off at the pass?

LEONA They're heading directly for the orphanage building.

THEO [uncertain] Oh, good. Um....

LEONA [sigh] Over there.

THEO Right.

MUSIC

AMB - STILL OUTSIDE

[another whispered conversation - unless otherwise noted]

THEO Did you see them?

LEONA Two of em went in- the third must be a rear guard.

THEO How can you be sure you saw three?

LEONA Watching stuff. It's sort of my job. You're getting slapped again.

SOUND DISTANT COMMOTION INSIDE BUILDING

THEO lights! They're gonna be running!

LEONA I got it.

SOUND THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SCENE, SHUTTER CLICKS A LOT AS SHE TAKES SNAPS

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, RUNNING FEET, DOOR SLAMS SHUT

CHILD [wails]

BRUCE [hissed order] keep him quiet!

THUG He bit me!

CHILD No no no no no!

SOUND DOOR OPENS AGAIN

JUSTICE [to the back of the concert hall] Stop!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS HESITATE

SELENA [off, but also loud] Bring me my child!

BRUCE You heard the lady.

TRUTH We must do something!

JUSTICE No. This is now in the hands of the lord.

HYGIENE I can only pray we've done enough.

THEO [standing and declaring himself] No way - this is just wrong!

EVERYONE REACTS

LEONA I'll be in the bushes.

SELENA [a bit closer] You're here? I thought you morons had bailed on me!

THEO Of course not-- morons? [offended] The hell you say!

SELENA Very likely. [to justice] You thought you could stop my dear little baby from fulfilling his destiny, eh? [evil genius] From wiping you and your kind from the entire world?

THEO Him?

SOUND RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES

LEONA Hand!

THEO What?

LEONA Recorder!

THEO oh!

SELENA Yes! I did it! The whole nine yards. Did the rituals, wore the lederhosen, slept with the devil. My child is the antichrist!

THEO Woh! I didn't see that coming.

CHILD [trying to get her attention] Mommy!

SELENA And all your pathetic humanistic attempts to destroy him have come to naught!

CHILD [more urgent] Mommy!

SELENA He will grow into his destiny and rule over all of creation!

CHILD [sharp] Mommy!

SELENA Honey, mommy's busy. And throw the entire world into chaos!

CHILD [almost crying] Mommy!

SELENA All right, mommy's done now. [babytalk] Woochie wanna, wittle son of evil?

CHILD Wanna see what I can do?

SELENA Isn't he cute! Whatcha gonna do, my baby beelzebub? [eager] Gonna spin your head around? Gonna spit fire?

CHILD [teasing] Nooo.

SELENA Gonna rend these naughty nice people into tiny itsy bitsy bloody wittle chunks?

CHILD Noooo.

SELENA Whatcha gonna do then, my tiny tormentor? Show mommy!

CHILD Okay. I try and rerember. [breath, noise of concentration]

SELENA oh, his first evil gesture! Anyone have a videophone?

THEO Why aren't you and your friends running?

TRUTH It wouldn't help. Why aren't you?

THEO Leona'd kill me if I lost the scoop.

SELENA Do you need help lacing your fingers together honey?

CHILD No! I can do it myself.

SELENA [brimming over with pride] Of course you can. Of course you can!

CHILD There. Now mommy watch!

SELENA I'm watching hun. Oh, if only your father could see you now!

THEO His father--? Ohh.

CHILD See my hands?

SELENA Yes! Knotted together like one big fist. Will you smite your enemies?

CHILD Whass smite?

SELENA I'll explain it later - go on and show me what you wanted to show me

CHILD [starts speaking, but very quiet]

SELENA Honey, can you speak up? Just a little? Mommy can't hear you!

CHILD [deep sigh of exasperation] Listen! This is the church. This [small noise of effort] is the steeple. Open the doors and [more effort, then triumphant] see all the people!

SELENA [horrified] What?

CHILD See all the people, mommy? My finners are the people in the church!

SELENA [big screamy accusation] You! You've ruined him!

CHILD Mommy! See the people in the church!

SELENA [breaking into sobs] All that hard work! The lederhosen! Nooooo!

SOUND RUNNING AWAY, nooooing

BRUCE [yelling after her] Hey? Hey lady? Are we still getting paid?

MUSIC

THEO [end of a story] So sister Hygiene took him back in for some milk and cookies and a round of kumbaya.

SOUND RATTLE OF 8x10s

Chief Nice work Leo. We'll have to touch up the pics, maybe give the kid some horns--

LEONA Nah put em on the mom. She earned it.

THEO Next you'll want an artist's rendition of Selena in lederhosen cavorting with Satan--

CHIEF [avid] Great idea! Very sexy! I like. I want the copy on my desk first thing tomorrow.

SOUND DOOR OPENS - NEWSROOM NOISE IN BG

THEO [weakly protesting] But- but we just got back--

SOUND PHONE DIALING

CHIEF Hello? Victoria's Secret?

LEONA [trying to keep from shuddering] Come on.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, AMB NEWSROOM AGAIN

THEO How can I get something done by tomorrow morning?

LEONA Same way you got through college.

SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN

CHIEF Hey, Leo - you ever come up with a nickname for the kid here?

LEONA Oh, yeah.

THEO You did?

LEONA Smoothie. Smoothie Walsh.

THEO Oh, no way-- [arguing, trails off as the sound pans back across the room.

REPORTER DAVE So the potato shaped like Princess Di saved your life? How did that--

REPORTER RANDY How could you not notice the minute she took her clothes off? Oh, a hologram field? You never mentioned--

REPORTER WES And that was when you saw his third eye? Are you sure that it was Dick Cheney?

REPORTER BRYAN [screaming] We have a ratboy sighting!

CLOSER

A girl living in a haunted house must find a way to protect her way of life..

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Eden - Jaiden Douwes Henry - Danar Hoverson Callandra - Julie Hoverson Frederick! - Reynaud LeBoeuf Ethan - Scott Douwes Mrs. Sherman - Angela Kirby Garth Sherman - Luke LeBoeuf News - Suzanne Dunn Henry's Mom - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard

Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Sound mastering: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Dennis Hager

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an old brownstone home, can't you tell? Where else would you expect to find ... a couple of ghosts?

***************************************************************

A Ghost of a Chance

Cast:

Eden Anderson, precocious 11-year old

Ethan Anderson, her dead father, 47

Callandra O'Doul, dead Irish maidservant, 20

Henry Torrence, burglar, 23

Frederick Ferryman, dead actor, 40s-50s

Ms. Sherman, CPS, 32

Garth Sherman, her son, a bully, 13

News [anything]

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a big old brownstone, can't you tell? Where else would you find a ghost or two?

SCENE 1 – coming home

MUSIC

SOUNDS MODERN STREET NOISE.

SOUND WE FOLLOW THROUGH A CREAKY GATE. STREET NOISE QUIETS A BIT. FOOTSTEPS ON LEAVES, THEN ON WOOD PORCH. KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS PASS THROUGH.

SCENE 2 – HALLWAY AND KITCHEN

EDEN Hey! I'm home!

SOUND BACKPACK FLUNG ONTO TABLE. DOOR SHUTS AND IS CAREFULLY LOCKED.

CALLANDRA You're going to have to do some shopping soon, miss. We're almost out of soap powder.

EDEN [sigh] I'll put it on the list.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, THEY HESITATE, THEN STOP

EDEN What? Move it. I'm tired.

CALLANDRA [evasive] You're looking a mite peaked. You could use a bite to eat. Come into the kitchen and have some soup.

EDEN [slightly suspicious] O-kay...

SOUND MODERN JAZZ, PLAYED LOW, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED

EDEN Dad's not at the videos again is he?

SOUND OPENING CUPBOARDS, CANS BEING PULLED OUT AND PLACED ON THE COUNTER

CALLANDRA [not quite convincing] No.

EDEN Then why don't you want me to go upstairs?

SOUND POP TOP ON CAN, SOUP INTO BOWL

CALLANDRA Whatever gave you that idea--?

EDEN Oh, please.

CALLANDRA Can I not just be concerned about you? Someone has to be!

SOUND MICROWAVE OPENS, FOOD IN, SETTING TIME

EDEN I'm fine.

SOUND TURNS ON MICROWAVE

MUSIC

SCENE 3 – A BIT LATER

AMBIANCE TELEVISION PLAYS LOW IN THE BACKGROUND

News ....was stolen from the J.J. Holdings museum at the university today. The vase is attributed to the school of Cellini, and has been valued at nearly half a million dollars.

SOUND CELLPHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS UP

EDEN Hey Ariel. ... Nothing. Look, I've been thinking about--

SOUND THUMPING ON CEILING

EDEN --trying out... for... Can you wait a minute, Ariel?

SOUND HOLD BUTTON IS PRESSED

SOUND DOOR OPENS. STEPS INTO FOYER, SLIGHT ECHO

SOUND THUMPING FROM ABOVE. A COUPLE OF RAPID STEPS.

SOUND [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING]

CALLANDRA Oh no, miss.

EDEN Yeah? Stop me. It's not dad - I can hear his computer going, and it's not you, since you're right here. Maybe Frederick? [yelling] Frederick?

CALLANDRA [worried] Oh...

SOUND [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING]

FREDERICK [overly theatrical, as always] Enter stage right. Yeeeees?

CALLANDRA See, it's all gone now--

SOUND THUMPING FROM ABOVE

CALLANDRA [dismay] Ooh!

EDEN [grim] What is it?

FREDERICK Shall I make a recon, my young commander?

EDEN Oh! Shoot!

SOUND BEEP ON PHONE

EDEN Gotta call you back, Ariel. Yeah, it's dad.

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP

EDEN Callandra? You want to explain--

SOUND DOORBELL RINGS. WHOOSH [GHOSTS LEAVING]

EDEN [exasperated sound] Uuh!

SOUND STAMPING FEET, CHAIN LOCK GOES ON

EDEN [sighs]

SOUND DOOR OPENS

EDEN [sweetly] Yes?

1. SHERMAN Good evening. Are your parents around?

EDEN My father is asleep. He hasn't been feeling very well.

1. SHERMAN I think he'll want to speak to me.

FREDERICK [whisper] Why? Is she covered in chocolate?

EDEN [gritted teeth] Maybe when he's feeling better. Can he call you?

1. SHERMAN Here's my card.

EDEN Oh.

CALLANDRA What's C-P-S? Does that mean she's with the coppers?

EDEN What's this about? I would invite you in, but--

1. SHERMAN No, I understand. Safety first. [serious] There's been a complaint.

EDEN By who?

FREDERICK [booming voice] Whom.

EDEN I mean - by whom?

1. SHERMAN I'll discuss all that with your father. Please do have him call me. [going off] All my info's on the card.

EDEN [calling] Thanks - uh - Ms. Sherman.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

EDEN Oh, shoot!

CALLANDRA Now, it's not that bad. Is it?

FREDERICK Of course it is. CPS are the child police service. They arrest bad little children.

CALLANDRA The devil you say! Oh, Eden, tell me darling! They won't arrest you!

EDEN They don't - but they do take children away from the wrong type of home environment.

CALLANDRA [relieved] Ohhh! We're safe enough then.

EDEN [as if] Ri-ight.

SOUND THUMPING

EDEN Are you going to tell me, or do I just get to find out for myself?

CALLANDRA Oh, my stars...

MUSIC

SCENE 4 - UPSTAIRS

SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS

HENRY [gasps] Jeez! About flipping time! You ever hear of unlawful imprisonment?

EDEN I've heard of burglary.

HENRY You're kinda small for a cop.

EDEN [exasperated noise] Dude. You can come out now, but just so you know, I've got a taser.

SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS

EDEN [gasps, shocked] You look like--!

HENRY Got my hands up, all that. [quoting] Don't tase me, [ending lamely] uh, bro.

SOUND A COUPLE MORE STEPS, THEN

HENRY [grunt as he lunges at her]

SOUND SCUFFLE. FALLING FURNITURE, SOMETHING BREAKS, THEN...

FREDERICK [unearthly wail]

HENRY [screams, then gibbers until noted]

SOUND SOMETHING SMALL CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR

EDEN I hate when you do that! That is so gross! [tsk, annoyed sigh] You coulda left your head on...

FREDERICK [huffy] It was effective.

EDEN [sigh] You. What's your name?

HENRY [gibbering] ...head came off, and cold, so cold!

SOUND SLAP

HENRY [sharp intake of breath] Wha-ah-ah?

EDEN Your name, mister burglar.

HENRY Henry. Henry Torrence. [whispered] What the heck was that?

EDEN A ghost. Now, Mister Torrence, I suppose I'm gonna have to tie you up or something, so you don't try and jump me again--

HENRY Howzabout just letting me - ya know - go?

EDEN You broke in. I have to do something, and I really don't want to have to deal with the cops - they'll bother dad.

HENRY Look, I never hurt no one, I ain't the type. I swear!

EDEN Still... I think you need to stay locked up for a while.

CALLANDRA Can I keep him? Please? I caught him!

FREDERICK Shut up woman, we may be able to use this fellow's services.

EDEN [ordering] March! I'll put you somewhere better than that closet, but you better stay put or -

FREDERICK Boooooo!

HENRY [gasps]

EDEN [unenthusiastically] Yeah, that. Boo.

MUSIC

SCENE 5 - DOWNSTAIRS

CALLANDRA What do you plan to do with him? Please say I can have him for me own - he's such a fine specimen of a man.

EDEN If you keep him, I have to feed him.

CALLANDRA Well... not necessarily...

EDEN No. No. No. I'm not having any more ghosts around here.

CALLANDRA You never let me have any fun!

EDEN Besides, didn't you notice the resemblance?

CALLANDRA To a man?

SOUND WHOOSH, FF ENTERS

FREDERICK Our dear Callandra never looked above his [mocking her accent] "luuuvly broad shoulders!"

CALLANDRA Bite your tongue, Frederick! I still have those clippings of yours, and you will sorely regret having a jape at my expense--

EDEN Shut up!

MUSIC

SCENE 6 – BREAKFAST IN BED

SOUND MORNING BIRD NOISES

SOUND MUFFLED THUMP, RATTLE AT DOORKNOB

HENRY [yawns, waking]

SOUND CHAIN RATTLES, BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE

EDEN [muffled] Are you awake?

HENRY Yeah, sure. Whatever.

SOUND DOOR OPENS WITH DIFFICULTY

SOUND EDEN ENTERS WITH TRAY

EDEN I hope you like bacon.

HENRY Uh, yeah! [surprised and enthused]

SOUND SHIFTING AS HE SITS UP IN BED, CHAIN MOVES

HENRY Thanks. Breakfast in bed. Almost like a dream, except--

SOUND RATTLE OF CHAINS

CALLANDRA [snarky] Well, we can't have you wandering around the house like some sort of ... burglar, can we?

HENRY Does she need to be here?

SOUND SETS DOWN TRAY, DISHES RATTLE

EDEN She's my backup. I need to talk to you.

HENRY [annoyed] Go ahead. I don't eat with my ears.

SOUND EATING NOISES

EDEN [snort of laughter] This is going to sound really dumb, but... [thinks hard] I have a kind of proposition for you.

HENRY [offended] You are way too young, and she's dead.

EDEN Huh?

CALLANDRA Shame on you!

HENRY Nothing. [eats noisily]

EDEN Ew! [angry sigh] Look, no. My dad is out of town, and I need someone to pretend to be him and talk to CPS.

HENRY CPS? The CPS? Hell no. I hate those bast‑‑ uh-- buttheads.

EDEN Why? You got kids?

HENRY Never mind. No way you can talk me into--

EDEN We'll pay you.

HENRY --into-- How much?

EDEN Dad said we could give you a thousand. For staying here for two weeks and pretending to be him.

HENRY He's not coming home for two weeks? [truly offended] What the hell is wrong with him, leaving you all alone?

CALLANDRA Language!!

HENRY I don't give a flying rat's patoot about my language! If your dad is so flipping negligent to leave you all alone for weeks at a time, [losing steam] then maybe you'd be ... better off--

EDEN [anguish] In foster care? No way!!

HENRY Well, no, but... don't you have any other family?

EDEN [mumbled] Not anywhere around here.

HENRY [sincere] That sucks!

EDEN Look, I'm not supposed to say anything, but my dad... He [whispers importantly] he works for the government. Top secret.

HENRY Seriously?

EDEN Uh-huh! So he can't always control when he'll be back.

HENRY Why would he - why would you even trust me?

EDEN You won't get paid until after the two weeks is up. Besides... I'm a pretty good cook?

HENRY Okay, but I have to be able to tell my mom. She'll worry if I don't get home.

EDEN You live with your mom? But you're like a grownup. That's weird.

HENRY Why do you think I don't have a real job?

MUSIC

SCENE 7 – MEETING CPS

FREDERICK [sharp whisper] Now you just behave now, my lad, or I'll give you what for again.

HENRY [trying to be flippant] "Boo." I get it. This makeup itches.

EDEN Sorry. You had to look a little older.

HENRY It is kinda creepy how I look so much like your dad.

EDEN Yeah. [fretting] Where IS she?

SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR

CALLANDRA Eep!

EDEN [to the ghosts] Scat! [quiet] Ready?

HENRY Guess we'll find out.

SOUND FEET, DOOR UNLOCKS and OPENS

EDEN Hello? Ah. Right on time.

1. SHERMAN Your father--?

EDEN Right here. Come on in.

HENRY [trying too hard to sound old] Ethan Anderson. Pleased to meet you. You're Ms. Sherman?

EDEN [warning] Dad! [explaining] He's had a cold.

1. SHERMAN [warm] Ah! I hope you're on the mend?

HENRY [clears his throat, sounds more normal] Yes, yes. Much better.

MUSIC

SCENE 8 – WAITING IN THE KITCHEN

SOUND FLAP OF KITCHEN DOOR, FEET

CALLANDRA [very nervous] How goes it?

EDEN Seems OK, so far.

HENRY [off, furious] What?

EDEN Oh no!

SOUND RUNS OFF, FLAP OF DOOR

EDEN [breathless] What?

HENRY [grim] Tell her.

1. SHERMAN [sweet] My dear, um, Eden. I was just telling your father that your school has raised issues about your father's involvement--

EDEN Why? He emails them all the time. They understand how busy he is.

1. SHERMAN We still have to take it under advisement. Now, off the record, and with the understanding that you, sir, are a fairly wealthy man, I might ask why you haven't engaged a nanny or other similar household staff--

EDEN [QUIET, prompting] DAD!

HENRY [angry] What business is it of yours, lady?

1. SHERMAN Perhaps you should step out and leave us alone again, dear.

EDEN No. I may be too young for my opinion to count, but I want to hear what you plan to do to me. We don't need anyone to look after the house. I can do that.

1. SHERMAN But you shouldn't have to - you are a child, dear, and you have better things to do.

EDEN Like what? Play Xbox and get fat?

MUSIC

SCENE 9 – AFTER SHE LEAVES

SOUND FRONT DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS

HENRY You have 20 million dollars?

EDEN And a half. Not like I can spend it. They don't trust me - that's why they call it a trust fund.

HENRY [snort]

SOUND SHE STARTS UP THE STAIRS

HENRY Hey, we're talking here.

EDEN [upset] You're only my dad while there's an audience.

HENRY [calling] Why don't you want a nanny or something?

SOUND RUNS UP THE STAIRS

CALLANDRA Poor child.

HENRY [gasps] Oh, right.

CALLANDRA Pity you're not much of a father.

HENRY [offended] You're not much help, either.

CALLANDRA Oh? And what do you expect from me? I've been dead over a century, boyo.

HENRY How's that work, anyway?

CALLANDRA [pouty] Don't know. Wouldn't tell you if I did.

HENRY Fine. Whatever. You have anything to drink around this place?

CALLANDRA [rolls eyes] Oh, yes. That would look terrible good to Ms. Sherman, wouldn't it?

HENRY I'm going out for a while. Don't worry - I'll sneak out the back. I'm good at THAT.

MUSIC

SCENE 10 – HENRY'S HOME

SOUND DOOR OPENS, MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND

HENRY [sigh, then calling] Hey mom!

MOM [bleary drunk] Baby? That you?

HENRY [resigned] Yes, mom.

MOM Where you been?

HENRY I gotta job, mom. Been working.

MOM You bring me back a little something, baby? Medicine?

HENRY [down] Tomorrow. I promise.

MOM [sarcastic] Such a good boy. You gon' expect me to bail you out again? You need to get you some better friends, baby.

HENRY I'm not a baby, mom. I'm thirty-five.

MOM You'll always be my baby, Henry, won't you? You know how much I count on you. How much it hurts every time you been taken away from me. What would I do if you were in jail? Do you ever think about that?

HENRY Yeah. [under his breath] All the time.

MUSIC

SCENE 11 – CHAT WITH DAD

SOUND COMPUTER KEYS

SOUND DOOR OPENS

HENRY Eden?

EDEN [gasps] What? Oh! You're back!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

HENRY You shouldn't sit in the dark like that.

EDEN [sarcastic] Thanks dad. [serious] I've been chatting with my real dad.

HENRY I didn't hear anything, if that's what you're worried about.

EDEN Duh. Computer chatting.

HENRY Typing. Right. I'm not much for the whole computer thing.

EDEN That could be awkward, if Ms. Sherman decides to quiz you on what you do for a living. Dad's a programmer.

HENRY For the government?

EDEN [scornful] No! [realizing] Oh, I mean... uh... he's a programmer for real, but he doesn't program for them.

HENRY [suspicious] Can I type something to him?

EDEN Sure.

SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, CLUMSY, SLOW TYPING

EDEN Is this a secret, or can I type it for you?

HENRY Yeah, go on - at this rate I'll be here all night just to say Hi. Um... [thinking] Mister... uh ... can I call him Ethan?

EDEN [responding to dad] All right. He says let's turn on the microphone.

SOUND CLICK

EDEN Now you can just talk. He still has to type, though. His mike is broken.

HENRY I don't know you, so maybe I'm not the one who should be saying this, but - here goes. Dude, leaving your kid alone makes you a bad dad. So what if the government needs you!

EDEN You're... serious?

HENRY Hell yeah. You're gonna grow up robbing banks and stuff.

EDEN Hmm. He says, just because your dad was a deadbeat, doesn't mean --

HENRY What the hell do you think you know?

EDEN He says--

HENRY I can see what he says. Background check, my ass!

EDEN I told you he's a computer guy.

HENRY Fine. You need to take care of--

EDEN Don't tell me how to raise my daughter. Oh, and he says "watch"--

SOUND [some CCTV video comes on the computer]

HENRY [shocked] How did he get that?

EDEN Is that you? Breaking into a building? Wow. Wait, is that the museum?

HENRY So that's your way of keeping me in line?

EDEN Are you the one who stole the Cellini vase?

HENRY I plead the fifth. [angry sigh] Fine. I'll do my two weeks, and then I am the hell out of here.

EDEN [angry] Very well, you worthless wretch!

HENRY What?

EDEN [innocent] Just what he said.

MUSIC

SCENE 12 – RUDE AWAKENING

SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR

CALLANDRA Mr. Anderson!!

HENRY [sleepy] What?

CALLANDRA That woman is at the door!

HENRY I can't answer it like this! I don't have that old-age makeup--

CALLANDRA Frederic!

HENRY No, no - I can do it--

SOUND POUNDING AGAIN

FREDERIC Did I hear a cue?

HENRY No, we--

CALLANDRA He needs to look old and ill. And right fast.

HENRY Really, I--

FREDERIC Hmm. Here. [horrible ghostly noise]

HENRY [screams]

CALLANDRA Shh!

FREDERIC Damnation. Once that would have turned your hair quite white - as it is, you will have to wear a cap.

MUSIC

SCENE 13 – CPS AGAIN

SOUND DOOR OPENS SLOWLY

HENRY [shaky] Yes?

1. SHERMAN Took you long enough.

HENRY I was in the shower. Nearly killed myself slipping when I came down the stairs.

1. SHERMAN Are you going to ask me in?

HENRY You might have heard the scream.

1. SHERMAN No. [hinting to let her in] It is rather chilly out here.

HENRY [sigh] Very well.

SOUND THEY GO IN, HE FAKES A LIMP

CALLANDRA You watch out for that one!

HENRY Shh!

FREDERICK She can't hear us unless we want her to.

1. SHERMAN I expect Eden is at school right now?

HENRY She's a very good student.

1. SHERMAN [disdainful] B plus.

HENRY That ain't nothing to sneeze at, lady!

SOUND SITS

1. SHERMAN But we both know she could do better.

HENRY What makes you think that?

1. SHERMAN You could get her tutors.

HENRY Why? She's real smart.

FREDERICK You tell her! But you might try using proper grammar.

1. SHERMAN There's so many things your money could do for your daughter.

HENRY I'd rather let her be herself.

CALLANDRA Oh, that's touching, that is.

1. SHERMAN You could send her to private school. My own son Garth is in private school.

HENRY [faltering] She has ...friends.... here.

1. SHERMAN [hinting] A very expensive private school.

HENRY You recruiting or something? I ain't making any decisions behind my kid's back.

1. SHERMAN You could pay me to leave you alone.

HENRY She wants to stay -- WHAT?

CALLANDRA Horrors!

FREDERIC Bezom!

1. SHERMAN You must understand, Mr. Anderson, just how poorly compensated we civil servants are these days. What a completely thankless job we do.

HENRY You really just hit me up for money?

1. SHERMAN And how particularly expensive a really good school is.

HENRY [incredulous] Money. You're asking for money.

1. SHERMAN Of course.

HENRY You're a skanky money-grubbing ho!

FREDERIC Filth straight from the bowels of satan's own thrice-crowned hounds of hell!

1. SHERMAN Language! [evil nice again] You have plenty of money. I've looked into your financials. Not just Eden's little trust fund, but liquid assets as well.

HENRY That's blackmail!

1. SHERMAN Technically, it's extortion. So far. Extortion is getting money with a threat of something yet to come.

HENRY It's still illegal.

CALLANDRA Oh, horrors!

1. SHERMAN Blackmail, on the other hand, is getting money with the threat of revealing something from the past. Like your criminal record?

HENRY My... [confused] what?

1. SHERMAN Mr. Anderson, I have no wish to go into detail, but do you really think I would come here with just the might of CPS behind me?

HENRY Maybe.

1. SHERMAN No. I have something concrete on you.

HENRY Doesn't ring a bell. [chuckles lamely] Criminal record? Me? [laughs]

1. SHERMAN Do the words 1987 and dot com mean anything to you?

HENRY But I was just-- ["a kid", but he cuts off]

1. SHERMAN Using an assumed name? You're very lucky no one thought to cross-reference your fingerprints before, but once they do what I did...

HENRY Oh, crap.

1. SHERMAN I'm in no hurry. I'd be happy to take a little something up front, and then a larger payment by the end of the week, perhaps?

HENRY I'll ...see what I have lying around.

MUSIC

SCENE 14 – CHAT WITH DAD

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET STORM IN

HENRY Is your mike on, Mr. Anderson?

SOUND COMPUTER BEEP

HENRY Good. Cause I don't know jack about how to work these things.

SOUND COMPUTER BOOP

HENRY You heard what happened? How?

SOUND BOOP

HENRY I didn't even notice a computer in the living room.

SOUND BOOP

HENRY Huh? Which button?

SOUND BOOP

HENRY No need to get snippy.

SOUND BUTTON PUSHED

ETHAN [computer generated voice] You will go immediately to the first hill bank and trust--

HENRY What do you mean immediately? I gotta do grocery shopping this morning.

ETHAN Delivered.

HENRY Not for here. for my mom.

ETHAN Get it delivered.

HENRY Hey! Mom may be an old lush, but she expects to see me from time to time.

ETHAN Bank after.

HENRY What's all this crap that witch was talking about, anyway?

ETHAN No time. Bank today. Take three thousand dollars--

HENRY I can't pass for you at a damn bank! I can't sign your name!

ETHAN Account in your name. Use your own I-D.

HENRY What? In my name? What makes you think I won't just walk off... [back on topic] Second - why three thousand? She won't settle for just three--

ETHAN Three thousand will pay off her car.

HENRY Damn. You really can find out anything, can't you?

MUSIC

SCENE 15 – HENRY HOME

SOUND DOOR OPENS, MOM'S HOUSE. TV ON

HENRY I brought your groceries.

MOM Good. Didja get any beer?

HENRY It's still in the car.

MOM Bring that in next, woudja? That's a good boy.

HENRY [from other room, confused] Mom? Where's my TV?

MOM Mine was ...uh...on the fritz, so I moved yours in here.

HENRY You did?

MOM I had help.

HENRY You forgot to pay, didn't you?

MOM That is no way to talk to your mother! Besides, if you weren't gone all the time, I wouldn't have such a problem. You know I never was good with money.

HENRY Yeah.

MOM When did you say you'd get paid for this new job you got?

MUSIC

SCENE 16 – DINNER WITH EDEN

SOUND DINNER NOISES

HENRY You made this?

EDEN [sullen] Yeah.

HENRY It's pretty good.

EDEN Should be. Been cooking since I was [Callandra's accent] "just a wee thing". [change of tone, sullen] You were gone all day. Again.

HENRY I came back.

EDEN Well, duh. We're paying you to be here.

HENRY Are the ghosts joining us?

EDEN [still sullen] Frederic gets too jumpy around food, and Callandra "doesna feel tis proper."

MOMENT OF SILENCE

HENRY Are you mad at me?

SOUND THUMP - VASE ON TABLE

HENRY What the h---ay? You going through my room?

EDEN Callandra saw you hide it. SHE's very upset with you.

CALLNDRA [from off] Though it is a right pretty wee thing!

HENRY I had to bring it along - mom was about to use it as an ashtray.

EDEN Why do you steal?

HENRY Whoa! That ain't polite to ask.

EDEN It isn't polite to steal.

MOMENT OF SILENCE

HENRY What else am I gonna do? Shove burgers? I ain't even got a GED. Without that… well…

EDEN If you're trying to convince me to stay in school, there's no point.

HENRY No way! You gonna drop out? Smart kid like you – you could be any darn thing you want!

EDEN Oh, please. I already have a GED. Or at least, I took the test – just to see, you know? And I've taken a few college courses on the Internet. I stay in school for the socialization.

HENRY Huh?

EDEN I stay in school to look normal and have friends. The work is boring as hell, but I don't want to stand out. Do you know how hard it is to manage a B+ average?

HENRY [sarcastic] Never had that problem, myself.

EDEN [mounting upset] I have to guess on each test what the correct percentage of answers is to get wrong. I have to dumb my writing down for essay questions. I have to--

HENRY Why?

EDEN Why?

HENRY Why not just say to hell with it, and let em see how smart you are?

EDEN Smart kids get noticed. I can stand out when I'm older. When it's safe.

MUSIC

SCENE 17 – WHERE'S DAD

SOUND COMPUTER NOISES

HENRY You need to get your butt home, dude. Your government might need you, but your daughter needs you more.

ETHAN Not possible.

HENRY What, are you in deep cover or something? In a foreign prison? [slow realization] Oh.... crap.

ETHAN We are both in crap.

HENRY No, I mean you - you're like them, aren't you?

ETHAN Define "them".

HENRY The ghosts.

ETHAN [beat] Yes.

HENRY Holy crap.

ETHAN No. Just regular crap.

HENRY I can't stay here forever!

ETHAN Eden needs you.

HENRY [wobbling] My mom... she needs me, too.

ETHAN Open the scanner.

HENRY What? Oh, that.

SOUND SCANNER NOISE

ETHAN I need your hand.

MUSIC

SCENE 18 – WHERE'S MOM

SOUND SILENT HOUSE, KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS

HENRY Mom, why's the TV --? [panicky] Mom?

SOUND MOVES THROUGH, TALKING

HENRY Mom, please say you're okay. Say something! Hello? Oh, jeez, what could they'a done to‑‑ [cuts off as he spots something] What?

SOUND PAPER PICKED UP

HENRY [Reading] Hope you get this. Woulda called, but--

MOM [continuing, guilt tripping] --you never gave me your number at "work". Won a cruise in a mail-in contest. Back in a month. "Mom." P-S, all expenses paid - how you like them apples. Oh, and make sure to pay the electric bill. Want heat when I get home.

HENRY [half amused, half annoyed chuckle] Ethan, you king of all shits.

MUSIC

SCENE 19 – LIKE MOTHER

SOUND OUTSIDE, DAYTIME STREET

GARTH Hey!

EDEN [suspicious] Can I help you?

GARTH [mean chuckle] You bet.

SOUND CLICK OF CAMERA PHONE

GARTH [annoyed] Hey!

EDEN [scared, but standing her ground] If this is a mugging, I just e-mailed your picture to my dad.

GARTH He's not gonna do anything.

EDEN What makes you so sure?

GARTH My mom has him by the short hairs.

EDEN Your mom?

GARTH Sherman? From CPS? Ring any bells?

EDEN She went away. Everything is fine.

GARTH Course it is. It's fine as long as you guys play ball.

EDEN [starting to get it] As long as we--?

GARTH Pay up.

EDEN But that's--

GARTH You wanna complain, go whine to your dad, he'll explain the facts of life. For now... you got an ipod?

EDEN [starting to break] I--

GARTH [threatening] Or should I say, do I got an ipod? [snarl] Hand it over.

SOUND HAND OVER

EDEN [nearly in tears] There. Choke on it, you bully!

GARTH Uh! [shoves her]

SOUND EDEN FALLS

EDEN [gasp, trying hard not to cry]

SOUND GARTH WALKS AWAY

GARTH Hah! She got the Bieber fever. [nasty laugh] Ooh! Beyonce!

EDEN [long sniffle]

SOUND RUNNING FEET

HENRY What happened? Here, let me--

SOUND SHE JUMPS UP AND THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIM

EDEN [crying]

HENRY [nervous, not sure what to say] It's okay! I'll handle this. It's-- [determined, personal] It's going to be okay.

MUSIC

SCENE 20 – getting even

SOUND QUIETLY DRESSING

HENRY [whispering] It's easy to forget she's just a kid.

FREDERIC [stage whisper] She is a most self-possessed young lady.

HENRY Shh. She only just got to sleep.

FREDERIC And you? Are you leaving her now, in her hour of need?

HENRY [grim] Something I gotta do.

FREDERIC In the middle of the night?

SOUND ZIPPER ZIPS

FREDERIC And dressed all in black? I sense skullduggery!

HENRY Sense all you want, but stay quiet about it.

FREDERIC Alas that I cannot do more than keep the light burning for your return.

HENRY Yeah. See you in the morning.

MUSIC

SCENE 21 – SATISFACTION

SOUND LOUD BANGING ON THE FRONT DOOR, DOOR OPENS

HENRY [self satisfied] Ahh! [yawns] So sorry. Long night.

1. SHERMAN Your check bounced!

HENRY [congenial] No, I put a stop payment on it. Won't you come in?

1. SHERMAN You WHAT?

HENRY I - we - aren't playing your game any more.

SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN A CRACK, UP CLOSE

EDEN [whispered, eavesdropping] Go, Henry!

FREDERIC I could always give her a visitation - maybe we'll get lucky and she'll keel over from the shock!

EDEN No! He may be a butt, but I don't want you to kill some kid's mom!

CALLANDRA They've gone into the living room!

EDEN I'll have to listen on the laptop then. Right dad?

SOUND BEEP

MUSIC

SCENE 22 – REVELATION

HENRY Would you like a soda?

1. SHERMAN I would like an explanation. What makes you think I won't go through with turning you in?

HENRY Go ahead. When they take my fingerprints and they don't match the ones you have on file, you'll look pretty silly.

1. SHERMAN You - you...!

HENRY You might have noticed that I'm a bit of a computer nerd.

1. SHERMAN Oh-ho-ho! [getting composure back] You may have changed the prints on the system, But you can't get into my backups.

HENRY Call my bluff.

1. SHERMAN Very well--

HENRY BUT--

SOUND MOMENT OF AWKWARD PAUSE

1. SHERMAN [worried] What?

HENRY I'm afraid you have a problem of your own.

1. SHERMAN I have a what? Are you trying to blackmail me? I am very careful.

HENRY About your money stuff, yeah - I'm sure you are. This is something else. A vase.

1. SHERMAN A what?

HENRY Have you read the papers recently? The museum?

1. SHERMAN The Cellini Vase?

HENRY Yeah, that thing.

1. SHERMAN What does that have to do with me?

HENRY It's in your house.

MUSIC

SCENE 23 – FINALE

EDEN What if she finds it?

HENRY What's she gonna do with it? She don't know no fences.

CALLANDRA Or any place to sell it either.

EDEN She might give it back?

FREDERIC And try to explain how she happened to come by such a fugitive object? Hah!

HENRY Hah is right.

EDEN [down] So I guess this means you're gonna go now. I mean now that it's all clear.

HENRY I guess.

EDEN Would you stay? I mean, if you could?

HENRY I'd like to but.... I dunno. My mom--

SOUND BEEP

ETHAN [computer voice] Was lucky and got an apartment in a new full-service assisted living community.

HENRY What? You can't just--

ETHAN Try and get her out. They have KeNo every Thursday.

HENRY [annoyed but thinking] Hmm..... Does she get to have a nice TV?

ETHAN No.

HENRY What? How can you--?

ETHAN You will bring one to her.

EDEN Clever.

FREDERIC Brilliant!

CALLANDRA [sniffling] Touching.

HENRY Gotcha. And what about me?

EDEN I have four more years before I can technically be emancipated. If you're willing to be my dad til then, we'll--

ETHAN Pay you one hundred thousand per year.

HENRY [dubious] That's pretty good. Hmm... Four years.

EDEN Well, what do you want, then?

HENRY Four years sounds like a heckuva lot like college.

EDEN I'm still too young.

HENRY Nah... I was thinking... you know... [quiet] For me. [up] But only if you'll help me get my GED and stuff.

EDEN I bet I could be a really good tutor!

MUSIC END

A classic-style caper, chock-a-block with art theft, swindling, and romance!

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Algernon Winthrop - Will Watt Bartholomew Hetheredge - Glen Hallstrom Harriet Carter-Nelson - Julie Hoverson Attendant - Russell Gold

Music by Laché Swing (Free Music Archive) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson (in the style of the Dell Mapback mystery covers) with help from Steve Guy

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a gentleman's club in the 1930s, can't you tell?"

***********************************************************************

THE PERFECT PIGEON

Cast:

Announcer

Algernon Winthrop, a young gentleman whose profession is art broker - with a secret life as a gentleman thief

Harriet Carter-Nelson, country heiress, who has inherited some paintings

Bartholomew Heatheredge, elder bachelor, friend and confidante of Algernon

Butler, discreet and very well trained

THE PERFECT PIGEON

MUSIC TO OPEN - LIGHT 1930s JAZZ

OLIVIA What do you mean what kind of place is it? Why it's a private room in a proper Gentleman's Club in London in the 1930s - can't you tell?

MUSIC

SCENE 1 THE CLUB ROOM

SOUND RADIO PLAYS JAZZ IN ANOTHER ROOM

ALGY Bartholomew, old man - believe it or not, I've been HAD.

BART [mock incredulous] Algernon Winthrop the third? "Had"? Hold on, shh! [beat] No, no... I don't think I hear the trumpet hailing the end of all things, so how could You possibly--

ALGY Hush! Do you want to hear the story or not?

BART [teasing] I dunno - do I?

ALGY You're the only one I can tell, so I expect you can guess what this is in regards to.

BART [knowing smirk] "Art"?

ALGY Yes. I was approached last Wednesday week by [wistful] a vision of loveliness--

BART Male or Female?

ALGY Female, of course! You know which direction my loveliness runs. A trim auburn lass with a back like she'd been born on a horse.

BART There is something to be said for centaurs.

ALGY She said she had been referred to me as a leading authority on certain kinds of paintings.

BART [chuckles expectantly] A-ha!

ALGY Well, I am! And I have the advantage of being outside the normal rope and cap mobs.

BART Someone with no affiliation to bat for.

ALGY Correct. [sigh] She invited me to her country estate, and how could I refuse? There are untold treasures hidden in mouldering attics throughout the land!

BART Better you than me. I loathe the country.

ALGY You loathe anything beyond a ten minute walk from this club.

BART Very true. [arch] Oh, you've reminded me, we're in a club. That means there is hot and cold running alcohol to hand. Shall we?

ALGY I'll stick to a weak Gin and Tonic, if you don't mind. I may have ...work... to do later.

BART Oh-ho!!

SOUND GENTLE BELL RINGS, GENTLE DOOR OPENS

BUTLER Sir?

BART Drinks, please. G and T, heavy on the T, and some of that port I'm so fond of.

BUTLER Excellent selections, sir.

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

ALGY [chuckling] He'd say that regardless of what you asked for.

BART True, but he would say it with a subtle sneer in his voice. Frankly, I can't remember the vintage of the port in question... but apparently he does.

ALGY Indispensible.

BART I know you won't recount anything juicy until he returns, so tell me more about this girl?

ALGY Harriet Carter-Nelson. Last heir of some family or other. Was left the only house not entailed to a distant chinless wonder. Took possession, found it rather a crumbling heap, but discovered there were some potentially salable items hidden about the place.

BART Items in the "canvas" line, I assume?

ALGY Precisely.

SOUND TAP AT THE DOOR

BART Come in.

SOUND BUTLER ENTERS, PUTS DOWN DRINKS, LEAVES

ALGY [sips] Perfect. Gem of a man.

BART Can't remember his name any more than the vintage, but I do try and appreciate him whenever I have the chance.

ALGY Appreciate him a bit for me, too, would you?

BART Certainly. [drinks] Now, the canvasses.

ALGY After an hour or so of driving - the place was halfway to Inverness - I came upon a stark silhouette set against a striking sunset.

BART You paint such pictures with your words.

ALGY I suppose an eye is an eye, for all that. Checking the coordinates, I discovered I had arrived. More striking still was the vision of loveliness that greeted me at the door.

BART NOT a butler, then?

ALGY No. There was some sort of staff about, but she was expecting me, and made certain to be ready upon my arrival.

BART Curiouser and curiouser - a woman who doesn't make one wait an half hour for her entrance? I like her already.

ALGY [rueful] As do I. She lacks that sheen of plasticine that so many women don the moment they "come out" and never seem to take off again. Everything about her seemed so natural. So genuine.

MUSIC TRANSITION

SCENE 2 OUTSIDE THE HOUSE

SOUND FROGS, NIGHT NOISES

HARRIET I'm so pleased you found it! Come in, come in! Oh, no wait - sorry. You should turn your car around before the light goes. Some of the ground is boggy and it's quite treacherous in the dark.

ALGY I'll be perfectly fine.

HARRIET [mock sigh] Your funeral. Come along.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL THEN WOOD, DOOR SHUTS

ALGY I didn't realize there was any civilization this far into the hinterlands.

HARRIET Oh, there isn't. Not really. But I love it out here. The country is so beautiful - nine weeks out of the year. Between mold season and mosquito season.

ALGY [laughs]

BART [Voice Over] Enough with the flirting - tell me about the paintings.

ALGY [VO] Give me a moment to wallow in our collective wit, won't you?

BART [VO] One more moment, then. Proceed.

HARRIET There's a set of rooms that's quite liveable, and a few larger enclosed spaces that might pass for human habitation. [drops the banter] I'm hoping - truly - that some of the paintings will be worth enough that I can sell them and [loving] rescue the poor house. [clipped again] You did say you have contacts and know people who might be looking to buy?

ALGY I shall do the best for you that I can.

ALGY [VO] And I would. Whatever my other interests are, once I give my word, I always keep it.

BART [VO] Particularly to such a lovely young thing, eh, wot?

HARRIET It's very kind of you.

ALGY Well, I do expect to make some little commission on it, of course.

HARRIET Of course. Right through here.

MUSIC

SCENE 3 THE CLUB ROOM

SOUND ALGY DRINKS

ALGY [disgusted sigh] and it was ... tragic.

BART Strong word.

ALGY Strong feeling. The room she took me into was hung with a dozen limp landscapes.

BART Limp?

ALGY Oh, you know the type "Aunt so-and so painted this in 1860 on the French Riveria". Or "Grandmama was always well regarded for her eye for beauty".

BART Good night. And after such a long drive!

ALGY And watching that look of hope slide off her dainty face. The light going out in her hazel eyes.

MUSIC

SCENE 4 INSIDE THE HOUSE

SOUND SLIGHT CREAKS WHEN THEY WALK

HARRIET That bad?

ALGY I may be able to get you an odd bob or so - perhaps from an American. Not more.

HARRIET Oh.

ALGY It happens to the best of us.

ALGY [VO] She turned away, and the line of her shoulders spoke volumes.

BART [VO] Reading her shoulders? On a first date? [chuckles]

ALGY I-I-- Perhaps I should... go?

HARRIET No. [coming to a decision, almost teary] I... Can I trust you?

ALGY Goodness, would anyone say no to that?

HARRIET [burst of laughter] Goodness be blowed! I'm going to take a chance. People have said good things about you. Come along.

SOUND WALKING, CREAKING, UNDER VO

ALGY [VO] She took me deep into the bowels of the house, into some sort of secret room. I watched closely as she tweaked various odds and sods on a rococo mantlepiece, and a panel slid open.

SOUND CREAK AS PANEL SHIFTS

SOUND HOLLOW MOANING WIND

HARRIET There's a family ghost, but it's benign.

ALGY Spirits have never bothered me.

ALGY [VO] And in this room - by gad!

BART [VO] Yes?

ALGY [VO] Arrayed around the walls were a good dozen of what looked like genuine Old masters. Undiscovered, possibly unknown.

BART [VO] Real?

ALGY Real?

HARRIET Yes, but. Problematic.

ALGY How so?

HARRIET Apparently, according to unverifiable family lore, one of our ancestors was quite the notorious bandit.

ALGY Bandit?

HARRIET Highwayman, I believe they called the titled ones. He raided everything within a week's ride, they say, and stashed most of the boodle here. Everything that could be sold easily, went long ago. Gold, jewels, things like that.

ALGY Well, if they were stolen so long ago, I doubt there would be any debate as to the ownership.

HARRIET [very doubtful] Oh... I'm sure. It's just...

ALGY Yes?

HARRIET [pitiable] There's no money. Not a sou. I can't possibly defend even the slightest case. A solitary whisper of doubt, and I'll lose everything.

ALGY I see.

HARRIET And without concrete provenance, there's no legitimate way I can sell even one of these. Tragic, isn't it?

ALGY There are plenty of people who would buy, provenance or no. You might not get full measure, but that all depends on your patience and negotiating talent.

HARRIET [exasperated] Buyers there may be, but I wouldn't know where to find them!

ALGY I would.

HARRIET [still fuming, not hearing him immediately] And even if I did, I wouldn't know the first thing to say-- [breaks off, realizing] What?

ALGY I know all the right people. If you can trust me with any one of those, I'll get you top dollar.

HARRIET But why would you help me? And how can I possibly trust you?

ALGY Oh, I'll take my standard commission, of course. And I'll play you fair on the first one, if for no other reason than in hope that you'll let me take on the rest.

HARRET [worried musing] It's a big step. The mere thought of letting them out of my sight terrifies me. It's not as if I have insurance or anything. If the worst should happen - I'd be lost.

ALGY If I could, I would buy one outright from you - at a discount, you understand - and hazard a chance I could make a profit. But these are far out of my range, unless I were to insult you by offering a pittance.

HARRIET A pittance would at least keep body and soul together until you were able to sell it. Could you - manage something in a down payment? Even just call it an assurance - we could write up a contract and everything!

ALGY Oh, I don't think we need go that far. But I could advance you something, if you don't mind waiting a day or two.

HARRIET [musing] Let's see - a day or two for you to get back, then I have to arrange a lift into the city, to get to the bank, and back....

ALGY [amused] Are you hinting that you would prefer cash?

HARRIET Am I that transparent? [sweetly] I used to be quite a good liar, I'm told, but desperation does wear one's nerve a bit thin. And the local shops no longer honor this house with credit.

ALGY I could manage, say, a thousand pounds assurance. If you'll let me take that small one.

HARRIET A thousand? You think this is worth so much?

ALGY Ten times that, at least.

HARRIET My hero! I'll have it crated and ready for transport when you return, will that be all right?

ALGY Certainly.

MUSIC

SCENE 5 THE CLUB ROOM

BART You didn't.

ALGY I did.

BART And which one of the limp landscapes did you purchase for a thousand pounds?

ALGY [sigh] A rather dreadful view of some lighthouse that's slightly off plumb.

BART [laughs heartily] And what do you plan to do about it?

ALGY What do you think?

BART Can you find your way back in again?

ALGY I believe so. I truly would have played fair with her, but...

BART What can she expect? Swindling a notorious art thief like "The Badger"?

MUSIC - TIME PASSES

SCENE 6 THE CLUB ROOM - NEXT DAY

SOUND DOOR OPENS

ALGY [entering melodramatically] Oh, Bart! Bart, my old chum! All is lost!

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

BART Sit, dear boy. Sit and tell! Is this your enchanting titian-haired siren?

ALGY Enchanting! Enchantress is more like it!

BART Why? Don't tell me you couldn't get back into her secret painting room?

ALGY [chortles sarcastically] Oh-ho-ho. It's far worse than that.

BART Ah. Good thing I laid on some rather strong liquor when I got your cable. Drink up.

ALGY [drinks] There's really not much to tell.

BART I hope you have more than that! This is expensive stuff!

ALGY I got into the house. Even managed to find the right combination of whorls on the carving - she'd pushed a number of extra thingumees, did I mention that?

BART So she knew you were watching?

ALGY [sighing admission] Yes. She's frightfully brilliant.

BART Let me get this straight - this charming chit of a girl has fooled you twice, and yet you still admire her?

ALGY I admire her because she has fooled me twice.

BART And her loveliness has nothing to do with it?

ALGY Well... [smiling] it certainly doesn't hurt.

BART [beat] So... you got into the room.

ALGY Yes. Yes. I got in.

BART [exasperated] And?

ALGY Every one of the frames that I had so closely examined not two weeks before was filled... with landscapes!

BART THE landscapes?

ALGY For all I know she has an infinite supply of the blasted things! [sudden realization] By Jove!

BART What?

ALGY I can't believe it never occurred to me before - what if I'm not the first?

BART Whatever do you mean?

ALGY What if this little minx has pulled this same trick on other so-called art dealers?

BART [chuckles] Are you outraged at her daring, or because she didn't pick you first?

ALGY There she was, dressed in plain homespun, crying infinite poverty, when she may have just held up half the crooked daub handlers in Piccadilly!

BART I can see why you admire her.

ALGY The beast!

BART I can't wait to meet her.

ALGY Wretch!

BART You'll have to bring her around sometime.

ALGY What?

BART Well, you are going to see her again, aren't you?

ALGY You old dog. You know everything. [beat] She should be here any minute.

BART Then I expect it's a good thing I've dropped a word here and there about a niece who might be coming into town any day now, isn't it?

ALGY I don't know why I even try--

SOUND KNOCK AT DOOR

BART Yes?

SOUND DOOR OPENS, BUTLER ENTERS

BUTLER Sir, there is a young lady here to see mister Algernon Winthrop. I told her merely that I would inquire...?

BART Proper, as always. Don't give her any definite answer, there's a good chap, but bring her on up.

BUTLER [slightly miffed] Very good, sir.

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

BART That. That is definitely the sound he would make if I placed an order for anything substandard.

ALGY I say, Bart, hide me, would you?

BART What and leave your young lady entirely in my clutches?

ALGY I know you'll get something out of her, and all the more if she doesn't realize I'm here.

BART [indulgent] That door there. It has a lovely large keyhole, and a connection to the corridor. I'll ferret out whatever she's hiding. You'll get your hands on those paintings yet.

ALGY Oh, I already have plans for that.

BART Oh? What--?

SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR.

SOUND SCRAMBLE AS ALGY HIDES

SOUND HIS DOOR QUIETLY CREAKS SHUT

BART [calling] Come in.

SOUND HER DOOR OPENS

SOUND BART POURS DRINK

BUTLER [introductions] Miss Harriet Carter-Nelson. Mister Bartholomew Heatheredge.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS

[NOTE: from this point until she "overplays her hand", BART and ALGY are pulling a con on Harriet to get her to trade back the painting]

BART [suddenly stern] Please have a seat, Miss Carter-Nelson. I pray you won't take offense at my not rising, but my gout has been simply murder this past week.

HARRIET [uncertain] But... I was invited here by Mister Winthrop?

BART I have sent him on some trifling errand, in hopes that we might finish our business without his interference.

HARRIET Business?

BART Poor Algy has a lamentably sentimental nature when it comes to these things.

HARRIET Pray enlighten me of "these things" that you are speaking of?

BART I assume you will not be adverse to endorsing this.

SOUND PAPER PRODUCED WITH A FLOURISH

HARRIET What is it? [almost a laugh] A bill of sale? For--

BART The painting currently in Mr. Winthrop's possession.

HARRIET But it's--

BART Practically worthless? Nonetheless, Mr. Winthrop requests that you make it over to him in its entirety, in return for monies which have already changed hands - to wit, one thousand pounds.

HARRIET Why should he want to claim ownership of the silly thing?

BART [fraught with ominous meaning] Why indeed. [brisk] All you need concern yourself with is your signature on that document, placing the item into legal custody of my client.

HARRIET Client?

BART Did he fail to mention that I am his family solicitor?

HARRIET [worried] Solicitor. Yes, I believe he overlooked that.

BART Come, come. He won't be gone all day.

HARRIET No. I would like to hear the reason for this.

BART [furious] Miss Carter-Nelson! I am not here to give explanations, merely to get one of two outcomes from you - and while my preference would be for you to regain your painting, and my client his money, that is undoubtedly out of the question. Should the need arise, I am also prepared to begin legal proceedings.

HARRIET [gasp]

SOUND KNOCK

ALGY [outside] I say, Bart, have you got someone in there?

BART Drat.

HARRIET [musing] Lamentably sentimental, you say?

BART Mister Winthrop, perhaps you would--

HARRIET [loud, over him, cheery] Come in!

SOUND DOOR OPENS, ALGY ENTERS

ALGY Good gracious! Are you keeping secrets from me, old man?

BART I am merely trying to legitimize the transaction that passed between you two--

HARRIET [flirty] He's trying to get me to sign over all ownership of that painting.

ALGY Oh! Good job. Go on.

HARRIET You... you actually WANT it?

ALGY [hinting] It's not a matter of what I want--

BART [cutting him off] AHEM. It's a matter of making the entire situation clear and above board. The painting has more than been compensated for.

HARRIET [suspicious] What do you plan to do with it?

BART [rising irritation] That is none of your concern! The only thing that needs to happen here and now is for you to transfer title or return my client's deposit.

HARRIET This is hardly fair. I should need to consult a solicitor as well - see to it that this bill of sale is proper and aboveboard!

BART You're right, of course. If you will give me the name of your solicitor, I can contact him directly. [muttered] Probably best to have him on hand, regardless, just in case Mr. Winthrop decides to take my advice as to... legal action.

HARRIET Mr. Winthrop, I just want to--

ALGY You can call me Algernon, if you like, Miss Carter-Nelson.

HARRIET [hesitant, confused] Algernon. Very well, but I--

ALGY And perhaps I might be allowed to call you Harriet?

HARRIET [a bit wry] Will it help convince you this does not require legal action if we are on a first name basis?

ALGY [laughs] Perhaps.

HARRIET [slightly wheedling] Will it help convince you to let me in on the big secret about the... uh... painting in question?

ALGY Oh, that. It's really quite simple--

BART Ahem.

ALGY [fatuous] Hush, Barty. I know how to handle women.

BART AHEM!

ALGY Shall I ring and have someone bring you a lozenge? No? Very well. [confidential, pleased] Now Harriet. I can take a joke as well as the next fellow. Don't you agree?

HARRIET You've been a pip.

ALGY And I'm sure you feel that perhaps I've only got what I deserve, as I may very well have been on the verge of stealing your lovely old master, or at the very least short-changing such a poor but lovely young heiress.

HARRIET You would be surprised how many might consider such dastardly deeds, given our relative positions.

ALGY [annoyed] How many? [smooth again] Well, I can assure you that I would have played fair with you - and got you the best possible deal--

BART That is all moot. Why don't you just null the entire transaction and give the painting back. The colonel-- [catching himself in a mistake] I mean, the person in question - ahem - has stated a clear unwillingness to own any piece of dubious origin.

ALGY A-HEM.

HARRIET [musing] A Colonel?

ALGY I suppose you must have realized by now that I have a potential buyer for the painting, and that I will be making back - mm - more than my thousand.

HARRIET For that drab thing?

ALGY Some pieces sell on merit, others on sentiment. The best salesmen are those who find the right customers.

HARRIET How much?

BART As far as you are concerned, it is one thousand pounds, already paid, and an agreement on my client's part not to litigate for false pretenses.

HARRIET No, really, [very warm] Algernon. How much?

ALGY [melting] I've been offered five thousand, but only with a clear title.

HARRIET [shock] Five? For Great Aunt Ermintrude's "Impressions of a Baltic Lighthouse?"

BART [muttered] A leaning Baltic lighthouse.

ALGY [annoyed] A Baltic lighthouse a certain colonel recognizes as a place near where he was once stationed in his youth. A place he used to meet his one true love.

HARRIET [amazed] Truly?

ALGY So he says, and I was of no mind to disabuse him.

HARRIET Suddenly I have been hit with a terrible guilt complex about having taken such foul advantage of you.

ALGY Oh really?

HARRIET Such a sentimental streak - I never would have suspected it.

ALGY I hide it well.

BART [snort of laughter turned into cough]

HARRIET I think the best way to handle this is to give you your money back and call it all even.

ALGY Oh, really?

HARRIET Yes. And, just to show what a good sport I am, I'd - I'd like to make a present of the silly thing to your friend -um- colonel, uh...? [hinting]

ALGY [breaks down laughing]

BART I fear you've overplayed your hand, young lady.

HARRIET I? Whatever do you mean?

ALGY You are adorable.

HARRIET [offended] You make it sound as if I was a puppy!

ALGY [still trying to stop laughing] No, no, no. You are far cleverer than any puppy.

HARRIET I should hope so. [huff] I think this is where I should take my leave.

ALGY [suddenly sober] No.

HARRIET [wary] Why?

ALGY There's still the matter of my money.

HARRIET Get it from your colonel!

SOUND A BIT OF A SCUFFLE AS HE STOPS HER FROM LEAVING

BART Here now! Here now! I will not have this! Sit down, both of you!

SOUND THEY BREAK APART WITH A GASP

BART I said sit!

SOUND CHAIR NOISES

SOUND DRINKS POURED

BART I have the perfect answer to this dilemma, if you will just be quiet and listen.

ALGY He probably does. He's very clever.

HARRIET I think you both find yourselves too clever by half.

ALGY You fit in quite nicely, then, don't you?

BART How odd. I distinctly recall-- Did I not say to be quiet?

ALGY [teasing] We'll be good, papa.

HARRIET Are you planning to mete out justice like old king Solomon?

BART Do you want half a painting? [beat] Good. Now. The way I see it, your problem, Miss Carter-Nelson, is you wish to preserve your home, and are going about it in this rather nefarious manner.

HARRIET Well...

BART This is no time for prevarication, miss --Harriet.

HARRIET I am using what little I have to save my home. Yes.

BART Very well.

HARRIET And if I happen to take slight advantage over those who otherwise would have taken similar advantage of me--

ALGY I already told you, Harriet darling, I would never have--

HARRIET But I couldn't know that, could I?

BART Hush! [beat] I swear you bicker like-- well, we'll leave that for the moment. [chuckles] And your problem, dear boy, is you would love to get your hands on the lovely old masters this young woman consorts with.

HARRIET [amused] You make it sound quite filthy!

ALGY [quiet] Not the only thing. [up] Yes. I would love to be the one to discover such lovely pieces and be able to find them good homes. Even legitimate ones.

BART Oh, well then - the answer is simple.

HARRIET Oh? Really?

BART You two should marry.

HARRIET [startled, outraged] What?

ALGY Capital idea. Was thinking something along those lines myself.

HARRIET oh! [indignant gasp] Here!

SOUND PURSE CLICKS OPEN, COUNT OUT MONEY

HARRIET Here is your blasted thousand pounds.

SOUND MONEY TOSSED ON TABLE

SOUND PURSE SNAPPED SHUT

HARRIET [huff] Good day!

SOUND SHE LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR

BART [chuckle] She suits you.

ALGY [confident] Just a matter of time.

BART Make sure to send along some of the wedding cake, there's a good chap.

THE END

ANNOUNCER [credits]

An alien encounter with a battle of wills.

And a bunch of stereotypical accents!

[NOTE: Outdated and non-PC terminology regarding mental issues]

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

"Not guilty by reason of insanity" sounds like an easy out to murderer Edmund - but when he checks into Dr. Larson's mental hospital, he gets much more than he bargained for.

Cast List Edmund/Achilles - Kim Turner Preacher Ronald - Pat McNally Rose Connelly - Joy Jackson Hector - Cole Hornaday Dr. Larson - Marge Lutton Terrance - Greg Porter Lawyer - Sigmund Hoverson Ape man - Reynaud LeBoeuf District Attorney - Melinda Mains Also heard - Julie Hoverson

Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Cover Photos: Front - Witek Burkiewicz (via Stock Xchange.com)

"What kind of a place is it? Why, it's an insane asylum - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a murderer?"

************************************************************************

MURDER WARD

Cast:

OLIVIA, the host

EDMUND Rafelsen (M/30s) - evil alter ego "Achilles"

RUDY Horton, Esq. (M/50s) - Edmund's lawyer

TERRANCE (M/20s) - the guard

ROSE Connelly (F/20s) - paranoid, hears voices

HECTOR Wilson (M/20s) - phobic, fears women

RONALD Tomlinson (M/40s) - believes he's obeying god

VINCENT (M/any) - frightening, violently crazy

DOCTOR Sara LARSON (F/40s) - psychiatrist

CROWD, GIRL, MOM, KID - any voices

DISTRICT ATTORNEY - District Attorney

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an insane asylum, can't you tell? Where else would you find ...a murderer?

MUSIC

OLIVIA [voice over] "Not guilty by reason of insanity". A legal defense, often misused to try and get a lighter sentence for a heinous crime. And what does it really mean? In a nutshell--

SCENE 1. OFFICE

RUDY --it means at the time you did what you did, you didn't - couldn't - understand what you were doing was wrong. It's a tough sell, Ed. No matter what the movies make out, most juries just don't believe--

EDMUND [cultured voice] Mr. Horton, I would prefer that you address me directly when you speak to me.

RUDY Ed, this isn't funny.

EDMUND There is no "Ed" here. Edmund, however, is sleeping. Mr. Horton, if you cannot bring yourself to use my name, at least--

RUDY OK, look--

SOUND rustling paper

RUDY [disapproving] --Achilles - I--

EDMUND And I am not insane. Nor is Edmund. I knew perfectly well what I did was wrong. All those pretty little women. I was really doing them a favor. The world is so harsh.

RUDY I-- Look, Achilles, let me talk to Ed for a while. It's his name on the docket, after all.

EDMUND Very well. I shall rouse him for you. [voice changes to more lower class - after this, he speaks as Ed any time not otherwise noted] Yeah? What is it shyster? Hey! Why's my cigarette all burned down all of a sudden?

MUSIC

SCENE 2. COURTROOM

crowd [MURMURS]

SOUND gavel

DOCTOR Larson Ahem. As I said, after a thorough examination, I have concluded that while Edmund is nominally the dominant persona, his alter ego Achilles was the one who actually committed... [fade out]

MUSIC

SCENE 3. ASYLUM HALLWAY

sound footsteps on tile. jingle of keys

TERRANCE Guess you think you're lucky, eh?

SOUND door unlocks

EDMUND And why's that?

SOUND door opens

inmates [AD LIB, MURMURS "IN CHARACTER" see monologues at end]

EDMUND What the--?

TERRANCE Your new pals, bub. As I was saying, I guess you THINK you're lucky, getting off without the death penalty and all. Come on.

SOUND slow footsteps

EDMUND Look mac, I thought I was gonna have a private room--

TERRANCE These are the induction cells. Once the Doc gets a handle on your syko-sees, she'll move you to someplace appropriate.

EDMUND She?

SOUND footsteps stop

TERRANCE Sure. You saw her at your trial - Doctor Larson. She's got some big-brain new ideas about how ta deal with luniacks like yourself.

SOUND keys JINGLE.

TERRANCE Your room, misshur.

SOUND cell unlocks, DOOR opens.

EDMUND But, but there's a DAME in here. Ain't we supposed to be--

TERRANCE Funny thing about that. Dames go off the pier too. And we're overbooked in that department. She probly won't be here long. Besides, she's waaaay over there. She can't hurt you.

SOUND footsteps

HECTOR [fading in - urgent milktoast] --he's right. She shouldn't be in here. You don't understand the damage they can do. [fading] Women are--

RONALD [fading in, hissing whispers] ‑‑have new instructions. It is time for you to let me go. HE has declared it. [fading] My presence is required--

SOUND footsteps end, jingle of keys

ROSE [fading in] --staring at me. Are you sure they can't get out? Please, would you check the locks again? [fading] I'm so afraid--

SOUND door opens and shuts.

inmates [MOMENT OF SILENCE]

ROSE [sigh]

RONALD [normal, husky voice] Hey. New guy. Got any smokes?

EDMUND What?

RONALD Smokes.

EDMUND Even if I did, they wouldn't let us have any matches, would they?

ROSE [hard dame] Who are you kidding? You can get pretty much anything in here, just as long as you know who to ask. And HOW to ask it.

EDMUND Funny, you sounded crazy a minute ago.

ROSE [snort] Yeah, well. We all have our bad days... [raising voice slightly] And some never have good days, right Heck?

HECTOR Wicked Jezebel. You shouldn't be here.

ROSE [to Edmund] We're pretty sure that Hector there is the real McCoy.

RONALD Now, now. We're ALL nuts. We must keep that in mind.

ROSE Yeah, but THAT guy - he just never lets up!

EDMUND But if you ain't crazy--

RONALD [chuckles] Court says we are. Even with moments of lucidity, well-- What can they do?

EDMUND What if they're listening? Recording, maybe?

ROSE I thought I was the one with the persecution complex.

RONALD I've been trying to catch them for over a month. Nothing doing. They're just not interested. Besides, once the jury brings down the verdict, the court has to keep you locked you up until they cure you.

ROSE OR you give up and confess.

RONALD Oh, sure. [sarcastic] I'll just admit it was all phony, take my lumps and go to the Chair!

EDMUND What if one of you decides to squeal?

ROSE [laughs] Who'd take the word of a head case?

HECTOR If you try and spit your fiendish poison at me, fiend, I shall find a way to defend myself!

rose [disgusted sigh] I am real sick of him.

RONALD He probably had a bad mother.

ROSE Yeah? Well who didn't?

EDMUND The guard said I'd only be in here for a little while--

RONALD Yeah. Us too. I've now been here for two months, and Rose--

ROSE Rose Connelly, p'raps you hearda me?

EDMUND YOU'RE Rose Connelly?

rose [pleased] Yeah. The one and only. My sister's got a scrapbook of clippings for me. She can't bring them, but she tells me all about them when she visits.

RONALD Rose's been here about three weeks. Since her sentencing.

EDMUND And Romeo over there?

ROSE Hah! Cute. Two incredibly long days.

EDMUND And...this is it?

RONALD What?

EDMUND This is what we get? I mean, in prison they at least get some kind of exercise and stuff. Geneva convention, and all that.

ROSE Ah, it's just temporary. I guess the loony bins are all booked up right now. [giggles] Say, maybe there's a convention in town.

RONALD Don't worry. We get to talk to the Doc each day, regular as clockwork. She's a sweetheart, but I bet Hector isn't making any improvements.

HECTOR [matter of fact] Doctor? She's the devil! I refuse to give her the satisfaction of a single word.

ROSE [derisive] "Doctor," hah! She's the one that let me get myself in here. I thought it would be real tough to fool a head shrinker, but boy was she a pushover. Always so sympathetic. So understanding. She don't deserve to be a nurse, let alone a doctor.

RONALD Funny, she testified at my trial too. Hmm. Guess we both got lucky.

EDMUND [absently] Yeah. Lucky.

MUSIC

SCENE 4. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

DOCTOR Larson Edmund, I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate.

EDMUND [as Achilles] I am trying my utmost, madam, but he simply refuses to converse with you.

DOCTOR Larson [not batting an eye] Then let's you and I talk, Achilles. You claim that the killing was--

EDMUND [as Achilles] Killings. Let us be precise. Mercy killings, actually. [fading] I felt so kindly‑‑

MUSIC

SCENE 5. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND SNORING from all inmates

SOUND scritching, like a mouse trying to bore through wood

EDMUND [snores, then wakes, frightened] Ah! ah! What?

[NOTE LOW VOICES]

RONALD Shh. You'll wake the neighbors.

EDMUND What was that? But that noise - it's--

RONALD I know. We call him Mortimer.

EDMUND This place has mice?

RONALD We haven't seen him, so we're not sure what particular type of rodentia he is, but we sure hear him. Particularly when it's quiet.

EDMUND But how can I get any sleep--?

RONALD You get used to it. We all get used to lots of things.

HECTOR [coming awake with a scream] Aaagh! Off me, you fiend from hell! No! No! [goes on incoherently]

ROSE [Wakes with a whimper]

[NOTE VOICES NORMAL]

EDMUND That'll take some getting used to.

RONALD Yeah.

MUSIC

SCENE 6. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

DOCTOR Larson Edmund, why don't you tell me about your mother?

EDMUND [as Edmund] My mother? What - why? My mother's fine. She got nothing to do with this.

DOCTOR Larson Do you love your mother?

EDMUND Well, o'course. I mean, you gotta - it's just nature, ain't it? [trailing off with] No matter... what... she does t'you.

DOCTOR LARSON What did your mother do, Edmund? [beat] Edmund?

EDMUND [as Achilles] It's no use, doctor. He has gone into retreat.

MUSIC

SCENE 7. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND cell block door opens

INMATES [begin their various muttering]

TERRANCE This way folks. Step lively now.

SOUND CROWD MURMURS, LOTS OF SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS

HECTOR What is this? How dare you bring in more of THEM! Mischief! Mischief!

ROSE [aside, shocked, not pretending] What's a kid doing here?

MOM Tommy, now look at that - that's what crazy folks look like.

KID Gee.

TERRANCE [like a carnival barker] Not just any crazy folks, lady, these are all crazy murderers!

CROWD Ooh!

TERRANCE Each and every one of these... people... has committed the most heinous of crimes!

GIRL Wow, look at that one over there, he's kinda cute--!

HECTOR Harlot! Harlot! Do not approach, or I must smite thee down!

GIRL What's smite - is that bad?

TERRANCE Best to stay away from the bars. Now, this here is Rose Connolly, known throughout the entire state--

ROSE [seriously disturbed] Stop looking at me! How can you--? Get them outta here, wontcha?

TERRANCE --For killing her husband while under the inexorable compulsion of a persecution complex.

ROSE This isn't right!

GIRL What's inexcorable - is that bad?

MOM Killing your man - now, that ain't right!

RONALD Come, come, now - leave her, she is unimportant, aha! But I - I have a message to give unto you.

MUSIC - TIME PASSES

SCENE 8. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND CROWD WANDERS OUT, DOOR SHUTS

ROSE [Breaks down] Oh!

RONALD How mortifying.

ROSE [sobbing] Like animals in a zoo.

EDMUND I'm surprised they didn't start throwing us peanuts.

RONALD I tried to get them away from you, Rose, I really did. But big headlines trumps preaching, I guess.

HECTOR This should stand as a warning to you, woman! You are never alone! There is always a witness to the wicked things you do!

ROSE I have had just about enough out of you! You-- noisy little weasel! We girls, we're just folks just like everybody else - you have no right to--

RONALD Rose, calm down. Shh. It's not going to help.

EDMUND Yeah. For crying out loud, we've made it this far, how much worse can it get?

MUSIC

SCENE 9. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

EDMUND [as Achilles] It was mortifying for Edmund, Doctor. I think he may have suffered a terrible setback.

DOCTOR Now, the tours are conducted for very good reasons.

EDMUND What, pray tell?

DOCTOR It's really not something we should be discussing, but - since you are so concerned - First, it is to show the public that this facility is on the up and up - you've certainly heard of the old fashioned "asylums" where inmates were neglected and beaten? This way, nothing is hidden - so no abuses occur--

EDMUND [almost breaking character] No abuses?

DOCTOR Also, it helps to make insanity seem less frightening to the general public. Most people have seen insanity only in movies - where it is so inevitably terribly destructive and dangerous. This way, they see the human side of it.

EDMUND [as Achilles] I see that your intentions are admirable, but I can't help but think that a trip through the violent ward would merely reinforce the negative popular belief?

DOCTOR That's why the tour through the violent ward is only for serious students of psychology. [fading] You must have misunderstood.

MUSIC

SCENE 10. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND cell block door opens

RONALD And the lord said--

ROSE Can't you make them stop staring?

SOUND footsteps, door closes

inmates [CONTINUE MURMURS]

sound cell door opens

EDMUND [Achilles] Thank you, my good man.

SOUND cell door closes, footsteps. then a scuffle!

HECTOR [struggling] Give it to me!

TERRANCE [struggling] Leave go, you ape!

HECTOR [struggling] I have to-- oof! [air knocked out of him]

SOUND two footsteps. dusting off hands

TERRANCE That'll show you to tangle with me.

HECTOR [weak] Yes, but ... I have your gun.

ROSE [scream]

EDMUND Stop him Ron - you're closest!

SOUND Gun shot

TERRANCE Aargh!

ROSE Oh no! No!

HECTOR [calm and creepy] The next one is for you, Delilah! Salome!

ROSE Me? I didn't do anything-- [gasps]

inmates [GASP]

SOUND CLICK

RONALD Who put out the lights?

HECTOR It was the monster - Lilith, devourer of infants!

SOUND Pssst of gas

EDMUND Do you... hear... [getting sleepy] Some...thing...?

MUSIC - TIME PASSES

SCENE 11. CELL HALLWAY

EDMUND [waking up] Hmm? Wha--?

RONALD [groans]

ROSE [wakes with a startled gasp]

EDMUND What happened?

RONALD At least the lights are back on.

ROSE But I don't wanna open my eyes.

EDMUND Look!

RONALD Where? [disgust] Oh!

ROSE Just ... just tell me, I don't wanna--

EDMUND Better you don't look, Rose. [muttered] That's a lot of blood.

RONALD [muttered back] You don't lose that much and walk away. Too bad. Terry was a right guy.

ROSE Blood? Oh, no! Hector? Where is he? He's going to shoot me!

RONALD Calm down, Rose. He's gone.

EDMUND So's the guard. There's just the... blood.

SOUND CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER ON

DOCTOR Larson [filter/loudspeaker] We apologize for the inconvenience of using a psychotropic gas on you.

EDMUND Gas?

DOCTOR Larson [filter] Rest assured there will be no long-term effects.

EDMUND That was what I heard.

DOCTOR Larson [filter] If you are feeling groggy or your head aches, sit quietly, breath deeply, and it will pass.

SOUND CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER OFF

ROSE [breathing deeply but raggedly] It wasn't our fault - they haveta know that!

EDMUND It's not like we're a bunch of babes in the woods. They may know what happened and just not care.

ROSE So just because I killed my husband, I;m gonna - I'm gonna hurt a random stranger? That's silly.

RONALD [chuckles] No. Just insane, m'dear.

MUSIC

SCENE 12. OFFICE

RUDY I don't see any way to--

EDMUND What? This is cruel and inhumane--

RUDY You don't understand, Ed. [dry] It is Ed I'm talking to, isn't it?

EDMUND Yeah, yeah.

RUDY You are not a free citizen. You've been consigned to DOCTOR Larson's care, and--

EDMUND Now you don't understand, Horton. A guard was killed last night, in our block--

RUDY You didn't--?

EDMUND Nah, it was this loony who thinks women are all evil.

RUDY Which, of course, you don't--?

EDMUND This ain't the time for that, Rudy. I'm talking about a murder.

RUDY There's no record of--

EDMUND The corpse's name is Terry, Terrance, something like that. He is - was - a guard here. Come on, someone's gotta be doing something!

RUDY I haven't seen anything in the papers. These state-run facilities, though-- sometimes they're like a world in themselves.

EDMUND Well get me another world.

RUDY [chuckles] There's only ONE way to do that.

EDMUND Yes?

RUDY Admit that you're not insane... and go to the chair.

MUSIC

SCENE 13. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND cell block door opens, rose's footsteps and a heavy set of man's footsteps, slow and measured.

ROSE Can't you please stop looking at me? I know why - I know why you're staring! You can read my mind!

SOUND keys jingle

EDMUND [Achilles] You are such a lovely young lady. And so frightened. Come to me and I shall cure you of all your fear.

SOUND door unlocks, opens

rose Stop! Don't say things like that. He never takes his eyes off of me, you know.

RONALD [quietly] And he said unto me, for I am the way--

SOUND rose's quick footsteps, door shuts, locks.

EDMUND Hey, buddy, don't you talk?

SOUND keys jingle. Heavy footsteps leave

RONALD Justice is ever mute.

SOUND door opens, closes

INMATES [beat]

EDMUND What's with that guy?

RONALD I hate being ignored like that.

ROSE He didn't say anything in the halls - going to the doc's office OR coming back, either. No matter what I did.

EDMUND Did the doc say anything about the dead guard?

ROSE Not a word, even though I asked. She just ignored the question.

RONALD She didn't ignore you completely, though?

ROSE No... But she didn't say much. Did she talk to you at all during your appointment?

RONALD I didn't have an appointment with her this morning.

EDMUND But you were gone--

RONALD I wasn't going to say anything, but the guard just took me out and walked me around the halls for an hour.

MUSIC

SCENE 14. OFFICE

EDMUND I got rights, Horton!

RUDY Well, technically, no. Actually, I could do more for you if you WERE in prison. Once you're committed to the doctor's care, you really can't complain. Particularly since you don't have any proof for any of your allegations--

EDMUND Allegations? Proof? How's this for proof - the others will back me up!

RUDY [condescending] Two other certified inmates? Oh, sure. That'll stand up in court.

MUSIC

SCENE 15.

EDMUND You guys ever wonder what they did with old Hector?

RONALD Solitary confinement, I guess. Killing a guard's pretty serious.

EDMUND [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, unlike whatever it was we did to get here.

ROSE Hey, I draw the line at killing strangers.

EDMUND Just your husband?

ROSE Looking back, I guess it wasn't such a great idea.

RONALD You guess? Hah! You--

EDMUND Why'd you do it, then? Did he push you around or something?

ROSE [snorts] Nah. If he'd'a beaten me, I woulda had a defense in court. Nah, it was just little things. Like the sounds he makes when he eats - ate - and the thing with his toenails. Us women have to put up with this kind of thing all the time, but... It just got to me.

EDMUND It just got to you?

ROSE Well, yeah!

RONALD There's a reason the marriage vows say until death do we part--

ROSE AND I wasn't going to the chair for something like that, so I started pulling the "he was out to get me" hash on my lawyer, and it worked. More or less. Not like this joint is anything to write home about.

RONALD It wasn't so bad up until that guy Hector showed up. Since then... well.

EDMUND So who'd you kill?

SOUND tinny chamber music begins to pipe in, very quietly.

RONALD I don't think so--

EDMUND [pushing] Go on. Who?

ROSE Oh, leave off. Hey, that's kind of nice.

RONALD What?

ROSE The music.

RONALD Hmm. And if I prefer to maintain my right to avoid self-incrimination?

EDMUND Geez. Don't take it that way, I was just curious. [pause] I killed four women.

ROSE Four? Maybe I SHOULD be worried.

SOUND MUSIC STARTS TO VERY SLOWLY GET LOUDER

EDMUND Oh, I put on a song and dance for the cops about how they needed to be killed to save them and all. Making up a Mr. Hyde personality to take all the blame. [beat] Three of em were mob snitches.

ronald So what, you're a hit man?

EDMUND I owed some money. Shouldn't have got caught at all, seeing as how there was no connection between me and them, but the cops got something - fingerprints or something - and they tracked me down.

ROSE And ...the fourth?

EDMUND Huh? [offhanded] Oh, just some dame - I did her to throw off the connections and make myself look nuts. I'd already figured on being caught - and better a whacko than a torpedo, ya know?

SOUND MUSIC IS LOUD ENOUGH THAT THEY ARE RAISING THEIR VOICES OVER IT

RONALD You are some piece of work.

EDMUND Still casting stones, eh, preacher? Why don't you explain how you got here-- What in the name of --- What IS that MUSIC?

ROSE It was ok... to start with... but, now--!

SOUND MUSIC REACHES A CRESCENDO, THEN CUTS OUT WITH

MUSIC STING - TIME PASSES

SCENE 16. CELL HALLWAY

SOUND door lock unlocks, door opens.

RONALD --said the offender must be plucked out!

SOUND slow footsteps

EDMUND I am so sick of this guy.

ROSE Are you taking me away? I know you've been watching me.

SOUND rattle of large chain, stumbling footsteps

victor [growls and snaps]

sound keys, cell door opens.

ROSE [whispered] Ed? Ed? That guy - is he even human?

EDMUND [whispered] Shh. I dunno.

ROSE [whispered] But he's so... so huge!

SOUND shuffling footsteps, chain rattling.

RONALD The beast! For I have seen--

victor [growl - lunge]

SOUND scuffle of feet, chains clang against bars.

RONALD Aah!

SOUND scuffle away.

victor [snarling]

SOUND thunk of nightstick on flesh, rattle of chains

ROSE He didn't-- it didn't even notice! The guard hit it and hit it-- [screaming] Get me out of here! Please! Please get me out of here!

SOUND cell door closes, locks, rattle of chains against bars

EDMUND Shh. He's not listening anyway.

ROSE Anything! Whatever you want! [collapsing into sobs] I can't take any more!

SOUND guard's footsteps, keys, cell block door unlocked

ROSE Please! I'll admit everything! Take me to the doctor - the lawyer - the JUDGE! Anything!

SOUND [beat] footsteps, keys, cell door unlocks.

ROSE [Breaking down] Oh... thank you. Thank you...!

MUSIC

SCENE 17. OFFICE

RUDY --none of your business. She's not my case. Now, Ed, they can keep you locked up any way they want - with anyone they want - for as long as they want. You're getting three squares a day, right?

EDMUND Usually. Sometimes it comes pretty late, though. And there's been a couple of times it's been too salty to eat.

RUDY So they have a crummy cook - place like this? Go figure.

EDMUND You gotta get me out of here, Rudy.

RUDY I've told you, there's no place else to put you.

MUSIC

SCENE 18. CELL HALLWAY

RONALD I think he's asleep.

EDMUND It. Rose called it an it.

RONALD I asked the doctor about Rose. The doc said a whole lot of nothing, but I get the impression she - Rose - has revealed all, as they say, and is heading for a short vacation in a nice clean death row cell.

EDMUND Not so bad for her. Women get pardoned all the time, specially pretty ones.

RONALD Yeah. And you would know all about the pretty ones, eh?

EDMUND [remembering fondly] They were all lookers, yeah.

RONALD How can you sleep?

EDMUND Don't get high and mighty moral on me, bud, you're in here too.

RONALD I was only-- It WAS a moral choice. A decision that had to be made and no one was making it.

EDMUND Oh, so who'd you kill? Cripples?

RONALD I ended the suffering of several decrepit--

VINCENT [ROAR!]

SOUND chains smack against cell bars

RONALD [half choking] Let go!

edmund Nobody's got arms that--!

RONALD [gasping] Get someone! You gotta-- [choking]

EDMUND Hey! Hey! over here, ugly!

SOUND rattle of chains

RONALD [gasps for breath]

SOUND thumping footsteps, rattle of chains

EDMUND Hah! Gorilla! Even you can't reach this far, eh?

SOUND cell door being shaken

victor [growls]

RONALD [hoarse] Thanks, pal.

EDMUND Don't thank me yet - I think those hinges are coming loose!

SOUND cell door BREAKS open, rattle of chains

RONALD Oh, god! No! Release the gas! Someone please release the gas!!! [choking]

victor [growls]

SOUND chains rattling against bars

SOUND tinny chamber music plays over the fight noises

EDMUND Not the music! The gas! He's dying, for crying out loud!

RONALD [expiring noise]

SOUND gas

MUSIC

SCENE 19. OFFICE

EDMUND Horton, whatever I need to do, whatever I need to sign, just hand it over. I ain't spending another night in this place.

RUDY You understand the consequences? You won't have the slightest option of recanting again and going back to your original statement.

EDMUND Yeah, yeah. Anything - and I mean anything - is better than this freak show.

MUSIC

SCENE 20. RECEPTION PARTY

SOUND glasses tinkle, drinks being poured

DOCTOR Larson I'm so glad you find my program effective, Mr. District Attorney.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY Well, I admit I had my doubts, when you first outlined it--

DOCTOR Larson You expressed concern about the danger of physical harm to the subject? As you now see, there is never any direct physical contact. Thus, there can be no allegations of physical harm or coersion.

ROSE He might have come close to dying with fright, though. [teasing] You were quite terrifying, darling.

victor [growls jokingly, then fairly cultured voice] After fifteen movies as monsters

ROSE And an apeman...

VICTOR [chuckles] And one apemen, who wouldn't be?

HECTOR I'm rather glad I get to duck out early. Murderers just [shudders] give me the creeps.

TERRANCE Hey, we're out of sham-pane. Want me to go and get some more?

HECTOR Nah, I'll go. Be right back!

DISTRICT ATTORNEY It seems like a lot of effort, though, for a single confession. A lot of manpower. [tip of the hat] And woman power.

DOCTOR Larson Ah, but it's valuable work on a number of levels. We convince a murderer to confess, and we learn a great deal about the human psyche each time through the experiment.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY Each time? How many--?

ROSE Hmm... [thinking] I've had the screaming meemies four times--

RONALD And I've nearly died... oh, three, I think.

DOCTOR Larson Not all of them last as long as our good friend Edmund.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY I'll drink to that.

MUSIC

CLOSER

INDIVIDUAL SPEECHES FOR THE "INMATES" FOR "ad lib" SECTIONS

ROSE I can feel them, all the time, watching everything I do - always making sure. Always knowing. I never get a moment alone, never a smidgen of privacy. How can I live like this? It's always the same - at first, they seem so nice, so different, then they turn on you, controlling you, having to know everything you do, and then they just don't let you do anything. I couldn't even have a glass of water without getting permission.

HECTOR Sinner! Be penitent and god may be merciful and end your despicable life - hah, raise your head in the presence of your condemnation, will you? Created to sin, designed by Satan to tempt honest men from the path of righteousness. Daughters of Eve, you share her taint! You try and draw us into your web, to make us debase ourselves for your enjoyment! Wickedness! Temptress! Succubus!

RONALD God moves in mysterious ways, for his decisions are inscrutable and his calling ineffable. He has summoned me to his bidding, and I must obey. There is no evil in ending the suffering of those that god would have called home to his presence. He does not strike out in anger, but reaches forth to embrace his injured and damaged children, who need his solace.