19 Nocturne Boulevard

Might be harder to explore space than we expect.

Sometimes "reality" TV takes it one step too far. Sometimes two steps. Sometimes a flying leap.

WARNING: IMPLIED VIOLENCE AND TORTURE

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

Announcer - Frankenvox Alison - Beverly Poole Bart - Michael Faigenblum Carl - Mike Campbell Debbie - E. Vickery Ms. Sheldon - Sharon Delong Tanya - Tanja Milojevic Mom - Shayla Conrad-Simms Dad - Reynaud LeBoeuf Son - Eli Nilsson Fred - Joel Harvey Bob - Glen Hallstrom Helen - Helen Edwards June - Shelbi McIntyre Kathy - Kim Poole Additional Voices - Russell Gold; Julie Hoverson

Music by Brian Bochicchio (Seraphic Panoply) Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's right here, right now, can't you tell?"

************************************************************************

IDIOT BOX

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

TV Announcer

Alison, chipper

Bart, sullen

Carl, upbeat, hearty

Debbie, nervous, angry underneath

Ms. Sheldon, executive producer

Tanya, in the sound booth

Family - mom, dad, teenage son

Bar - Fred, Bob, Helen

Dorm - June, Kathy

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's right here, right now, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER last week, in the record-breaking debut of The Box, we were introduced to our four contestants:

ALISON [chipper] I'm Alison, from Santa Monica. Hi, mom!

CARL [hearty] Carl, from Atlanta - home of the Cartoon Channel!!

DEBBIE [nervous] Debbie, from Salem. Uh, Oregon. [quickly] Salem Oregon.

BART [sullen] Bart, Minneapolis [disgusted sigh].

ANNOUNCER The rules are on the screen now for all you viewers out there, to cover the formalities. They are also available on our website at [spelled out superfast] w-w-w-dot-s-k-i-n-n-e-r-i-d-i-o-t-b-o-x-dot-com.

AMB FAMILY LIVING ROOM

SOUND CHIPS EATEN FROM BAG

ANNOUNCER [TV] And after this brief message, we'll show you the results of last week's voting.

SOUND CLICK OF REMOTE

SOUND POPCORN POPPING IN MICROWAVE

MOM [off] You better not have turned that off, hun!

SOUND MICROWAVE DINGS

DAD Just muted. Sick of all these ads for freaking erectile dysfunction. If anything's going to give a guy man-trouble, it's having to watch all those damn ads.

SOUND POURING POPCORN INTO BOWL

SON Ew, dad. T-M-I.

MOM [coming in, munching popcorn] The one I hate is that smiling guy. His wife just looks so scared all the time. Almost as creepy as the King.

SON Am I adopted? Please say yes.

DAD Ooops, back on!

ANNOUNCER [TV] Did everyone vote?

MOM I certainly did!

SON Mom? [disgusted noise] Why?

ANNOUNCER [TV] The voting is closed, the tabulations have been made, and the scores are coming up on the screen now.

MOM [over the announcer] Why not? I want that nice young girl - the blonde - to win. She's very wholesome.

ANNOUNCER [TV] And it looks like today Alison has been selected!

MOM [satisfied] There!

ANNOUNCER We have Alison in the studio now - let's see how she takes it.

SOUND LIGHT MUSIC, ON THE TV SEGUES INTO REALITY

ANNOUNCER Hello Alison! Say hi to everyone!

ALISON Hi! Hi mom! Dad!

ANNOUNCER How's the first week been treating you?

ALISON This place is great!

ANNOUNCER Throughout the show, we'll be showing some of the fun you four have been having. Now, why don't you tell me what you think of your new friends?

ALISON Oh, wow - everyone's really great.

ANNOUNCER Don't you find Bart a bit... isolated?

ALISON He's just self-contained. I'm sure he's a good guy, he just doesn't open up real easily.

ANNOUNCER And Debbie?

ALISON She's shy - a lot like my sister. Hi Vickie!!

ANNOUNCER [chuckles] That's great.

ALISON And Carl - well, he's a blast. He's always thinking up great stuff to do.

ANNOUNCER Yesterday you had sole access to the Dairy Dan Amusement park.

ALISON Oh, man - that was awesome! They closed the gates and we got to ride all the rides all day long - no lines, no crowds! Woo!

ANNOUNCER You've been chosen.

ALISON Woo! [stumbles] I - What? What?

SOUND CONTROL BOOTH

ANNOUNCER [TV] Please step into the box.

ALISON [TV - gasp, then steels herself] Right. [somewhat bitter] Thanks America.

1. SHELDON That's the shot - tight in on 2, now 3 - yes! Keep her face centered until she shuts the door.

TANYA Got it.

1. SHELDON Okay, keep the volume low on that. It's early yet - don't want to wear out the viewers...

SOUND [TV] ELECTRIC SHOCK NOISE, SOMEWHAT BRIEF

ALISON [TV - short scream]

ANNOUNCER [TV] We'll be right back after the break to find out what today's challenge will be.

AMB DORM ROOM

JUNE Omigod! Omigod! Did you see that?

KATHY [distracted] Hmm? No but I sure heard it - did they just do what I think they did?

JUNE They just shocked the crap out of the blonde chick!

KATHY Was there actually crap?

JUNE [duh] She was in the box. Shh. It's coming back on.

SOUND TV TURNS UP

ANNOUNCER [TV] We'll be right back with more of The Box after these messages.

SOUND SOUND DOWN AGAIN

JUNE I hate when they do that.

KATHY Shock someone?

JUNE No, have the logo come up and make you think the show is back on.

KATHY Yeah, that's much worse.

JUNE You know what I mean! It was totally mean that they shocked her - she's the one who got the most votes!

KATHY Isn't that what everyone was voting for?

JUNE No! At least, I don't think so - I mean, I thought it was voting for who would win something cool. I ...voted for her.

KATHY You actually voted?

JUNE On the website, yeah.

KATHY Of course there's a website. Maybe you should read the fine print.

JUNE Oh, oh! It's back on! Jeez, look at her poor hair!

SOUND TV UP

ANNOUNCER [TV] Back to the interview room, to hear from Alison.

ANNOUNCER [real] Before we go on, I need to point out, this is the only time you can choose to leave the show. Are you prepared to stay?

ALISON [gulps, then quiet] Yes. [clears her throat, louder] Yes. [very shaky] That wasn't so bad.

ANNOUNCER Excellent. Now I believe you recently graduated from college, Alison. What did you get your degree in?

AMB BAR

ALISON [TV] I'm a liberal arts major, with a minor in art history.

FRED So she's unemployed, eh?

ANNOUNCER [TV] And you are engaged to be married?

BOB Too bad. All the cute ones are taken. Even with that weird hairdo.

SOUND TV SWITCHED TO SPORTS

FRED Hey, we were watching that!

HELEN Why? It's awful, letting them mess with people on TV like that!

FRED [scornful] It's not real.

BOB Course it is - it even has a website!

HELEN Puh-leez. Lots of things have websites that aren't real.

BOB Name one.

HELEN Pamela Anderson's boobs.

FRED She got you there, pal.

BOB C'mon - just switch it back long enough to see what today's challenge is? Please?

HELEN Ya big softie, you.

SOUND TV CHANGES BACK

ANNOUNCER [TV] Carl, you got the second most votes this week - Do you have anything to say to the viewers at home? Obviously you're doing something right, to get so many votes.

CARL [TV] I think it's just my sunny personality, Bob. People like winners, and I am a winner.

AMB LIVING ROOM

SON Weiner.

MOM Language!

SON [dismissive noise] Doesn't that dipstick know that most votes gets zapped?

DAD Maybe he doesn't - they might not tell THEM everything, either. Makes sense. Why else would they be so excited?

SON But that sucks! That sucks big time! Here they are, trying to be all cool and get people to vote for them, and they're like masterminding their own torture or something.

DAD It's just a game, No one really gets hurt.

MOM Well, I was kind of upset that Alicia--

SON Alison.

MOM Yes, that she got shocked. I didn't know that voting for her would do that. I kind of feel bad now.

SON Well, don't vote for her next time.

MOM I certainly won't!

ANNOUNCER [on TV] Well, we've spoken to two of our four contestants, and the voting is open for the halftime winner. Go on line now or text to--

SOUND TV MUTES, AMB/DORM

SOUND COMPUTER KEYS

KATHY What are you doing?

JUNE Voting.

KATHY Vicious much?

JUNE No! I - I just don't want her to have to get shocked again. Damn! It only lets me choose one of those two - not the other guy.

KATHY So you want to see him get shocked?

JUNE Well, no, but I like him the least.

KATHY Just cause you don't think he's cute.

SOUND ONE LAST KEY

JUNE Um, there.

KATHY So who'd you vote for?

JUNE The guy - the nice one - of course. I like him, too, but I don't want her to get shocked again.

SOUND TV UP AGAIN

ANNOUNCER [TV] Regular text messaging fees apply. And now‑‑

SOUND OMINOUS MUSIC ROLLS IN

ANNOUNCER [TV, ominous] The moment in the spotlight. Will it be Alison or Carl? The voting closes in three minutes, so hurry up and make your vote count - if the lines are overloaded, make sure and try back - but be quick. [normal] While we wait, let's watch some clips from the preliminary interviews with the other two contestants.

MUSIC

ANNOUNCER [TV] And what are you studying?

DEBBIE [TV] I'm - um - a poli sci major.

FRED So she's gonna end up unemployed too.

BOB Whatever happened to good old trade schools?

FRED They're still around - just the trades aren't. You seen any cobblers in the U.S. of A recently? Nope. It's all farmed out to Pakistan and Koala Lumper.

HELEN Lumpur.

FRED Sez you.

HELEN I can turn it off, you know.

BOB Yeah - see now Helen here's got a job that can't be farmed out - long as there's guys like us, there's always gonna be bars, eh?

FRED Until they invent a mixology robot.

BOB Hey, the lights are flashing on the screen, must be something important.

SOUND TV TURNED UP.

SOUND OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES

ANNOUNCER [TV; evil "suspense" pacing] And the one who got the most halftime votes. Will it be Alison, our stoic liberal arts major?

JUNE Yes, yes - come on come on!!!

ANNOUNCER [TV] Or Carl, who tutors children with learning disabilities.

MOM Oh, that's awful!

SON Awful? That he works with retarded kids?

MOM [almost a whisper] That I voted for him.

ANNOUNCER [TV] And the one who got the most votes in the 8-minute half-time poll was--

SOUND HEAVY DRUMBEAT

ANNOUNCER [TV] Was--

SOUND HEAVY DRUMBEAT

KATHY Look at how much she's sweating!

JUNE You'd sweat too if you just got shocked!

ANNOUNCER [TV] is -Carl!

JUNE Whew!

KATHY Shh. Let's see what happens.

ANNOUNCER [TV] This means that at the end of tonight's show, Carl will be up against the second half winner in a showdown to see who gets a million dollars sent to the charity of their choice.

HELEN Waitaminute - she gets shocked and he gets a chance to win big bucks? That's so not fair!

FRED That's the way it is. Women always getting the short stick.

HELEN Especially when they're dating you, eh?

BOB [laughs, tried to stop]

FRED Yeah, yeah - you can joke now, but I'll give you 70-30 odds that the other winner is that other guy.

BOB The grouch?

FRED Yup. Is it a bet?

BOB Fifty bucks?

FRED Whoah, whoah! Let's not get carried away here, now.

MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT

ANNOUNCER Entering week five of The Box, you can see the ratings posted for our four contenders. [hushed] Last week, it looked as though Debbie had finally broken--

DEBBIE [TV] I hate it! I hate you all! You can all just go and--

SOUND LONG SERIES OF BLEEPED WORDS

SOUND ZAPPING AND SCREAMING UNDER NEXT LINE

ANNOUNCER But after her trip to the box, she refused to cry off.

DEBBIE [TV] [breathing heavily and gulping] No [gasp] way! [gasp] You don't [gasp] get rid of me [long shaky breath] that easily. [sob]

ANNOUNCER And now, a new week - and what was this week's challenge?

STUDIO AUDIENCE Fasting!

ANNOUNCER Yes, fasting. Whoever could go the longest without eating even a single bite of food got a free pass this week‑‑

ANNOUNCER [TV] --and we'll find out who managed that in just a moment - after a few words from our sponsors.

SOUND CLICK, SOUND OFF

JUNE [urging] C'mon Debbie!

KATHY Debbie? Hah. She's got no body fat to start with. Bart has a much better chance of surviving--

JUNE Don't say that! You just like him cause you know I don't!

KATHY I root for the underdog. It's a principal. And no one likes that poor bastard.

JUNE If no one likes him, how come Debbie's the one always getting shocked, huh? [almost a sob] Huh?

ANNOUNCER [TV] Let's bring our four contestants out on stage to hear who's going to be free and clear for another week. Alison--

SOUND MUSIC UP, DOOR OPENS, SHAKY FOOTSTEPS

ANNOUNCER [real] Alison, how are you feeling?

ALISON [trying to be perky] Not too bad. I made it almost three whole days on nothing but water.

ANNOUNCER But then you lost it?

ALISON [heavy sigh] Yeah, I had to give in and get something. [resigned] I figured fine - just put me in the box. At least that eventually ends.

ANNOUNCER Thank you, Alison. Now go over to the isolation booth while we talk with each of your friends.

ALISON [venomous] Friends? Hah!

ANNOUNCER [TV, confidential] She needs to learn to be careful about trading today's pain for tomorrow's - what she doesn't know is we've [ramping up] turned the voltage up another notch!

AUDIENCE [TV, CHEERS]

HELEN This just keeps getting worse. It has to be against the law.

BOB Oh, come on. They signed waivers, didn't they? Plus, it's all fake - like wrestling. Seriously. Even if they did do this stuff, they have to have doctors and all on staff - make sure no one really gets hurt.

SOUND UNWRAPPING AND OPENING A FORTUNE COOKIE

FRED Hey, listen to this - "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

BOB Figures the Chinese would think of that first.

FRED Nah. The Chinese didn't make that up.

HELEN Then who did say it?

FRED [immediate] Thomas Jefferson.

BOB I don't think so.

FRED Yeah? And who do you think it was?

BOB Some Greek philosopher or other. [idea] Julius Caesar!

HELEN You guys make your bet, I'll call Jonesy on the next commercial and he can google it.

SOUND TV TURNS UP

ANNOUNCER [TV] So Bart, you made it the longest without eating - you have any special tips for the viewers out there on how you did it?

BART [real] Huh?

ANNOUNCER Any tips? We'll give you a minute - these moments of uncertainty are just further proof that our show is live and unedited. While Bart ponders this, I'll recap - Alison gave into her craven need for food first, followed by Carl and Debbie - in a virtual photo finish, where Debbie held out for one millisecond longer than Carl. Good going Debbie!

BART I hate you.

ANNOUNCER Hmm? What's that?

BART I hate you and all you stand for.

ANNOUNCER Do I hear an opt-out coming? For those of you just tuning in, during this episode and this episode alone, any of our four contestants can opt out at any time - not just immediately following a trip into the Box. So Bart, are you--

SOUND A BEEP TRIES TO CUT HIM OFF ON THE FIRST WORD

BART Fuck you! You can't get rid of me that easily.

BART [TV] I don't care how many times you drug me and try to get me to bow down to the corporate machine! You and all you people at home - you are sadistic bastards, but I'm here for the long haul - And when I finish, whether I win or not, I will be traveling around the country demanding the pound of flesh each and every one of you bastards owe me!!!

KATHY For god's sake, turn it off.

JUNE No, he's making a valid point. We shouldn't be party to this.

KATHY The very act of watching it validates it.

JUNE No. I'm only doing this to bear witness.

KATHY The advertisers don't care. They just want to you to watch.

JUNE Well, I won't vote any more.

KATHY Then you can't complain when your favorite gets zapped.

JUNE [upset] Oh hell!

ANNOUNCER [TV] Well, that was very enlightening. Before you out there start emailing and phoning - please refer to clause 42 slash 8 slash F, subsection I-I-I, paragraph y, where it sets out the game's rules covering mental illness or defect. Thank you, and good night!

SOUND TV TURNED OFF

HELEN Anyone checked out the big pools?

FRED What do you mean?

HELEN There's huge bets all over the place - everyone guessing who's gonna last the longest.

BOB Well, no one's washed out yet.

FRED They're a tough bunch of kids, but I bet I could make it on that show. Age does bring wisdom.

BOB To who?

FRED You're too young to remember this, but I was a P-O-W in nam [rhymes with "ham"]. I been through it all. Torture, deprivation, brain washing.

HELEN They sure got yours squeaky clean.

SOUND DRINKS WHOLE BEER DOWN.

BOB Ahhh.

MUSIC

ANNOUNCER This week, week 9 of The Box, we might just lose a second contestant.

ANNOUNCER [TV] Alison, you've spent three days in this jacuzzi - brought to us courtesy of Big Joe's cut-rate pools and spas. Now, people might think this was fun, but of course, you can't fall asleep or you might drown!

ALISON [TV, parched, delirious] You suck, Bob.

FRED Friend of yours?

BOB You wish.

ALISON [TV] Get me out.

ANNOUNCER [TV] You do know that whomever leaves their jacuzzi first goes directly into the box?

ALISON [TV] No! I want out! OUT! I can't - you can't make me stay here!

JUNE They can't, can they?

KATHY How much you wanna bet she signed something that says they can?

JUNE That's illegal!

KATHY Being stupid and greedy? Nah. They'd run out of prisons. Unless you subscribe to the idea that our whole world is a prison.

JUNE [very upset] Don't talk like that - look at that poor girl! They're just dragging her across the stage!

KATHY Wow. I wouldn't'a thought it would take three guys to handle her, after all the crap she's been through.

ALISON [TV - screaming weakly and struggling]

ANNOUNCER [TV] It is understood, under the rules, that the clemency episode has run out and, once again, the only time you can opt out is right after a session in the box--

SON If she's all wet, wouldn't that make the shock worse?

DAD At least her hair doesn't end up all weird since they shaved her head after that challenge last week--

SON Three weeks ago.

DAD Really? Anyway, they probably compensate somehow.

MOM Are you sure?

DAD [unsure] Well... They can't really hurt her - that would be...

ANNOUNCER [TV] Oh, and - I've just got a word from the producer! We've got a three minute vote - so grab your phones!

ANNOUNCER [real] Now this will cost one dollar per vote, so make yours count! Dial the studio number and hit 1 if you want us to let Allison forfeit and leave now, push 2 if you think we should hold her to the rules. And voting opens [beat, then TV] Now!

1. SHELDON Start the positive counter.

TANYA On it. Running.

NARRATOR [TV] The positive votes will tally right here on the corner of the screen, and if, after the vote closes, there are more positive than negative votes, Alison will immediately leave the studio - damper but wiser...

BOB Man, I wish I was in Vegas.

FRED Nah - you know what's going to happen. The odd's'll be crap.

HELEN Course. They'll let her go.

FRED You gotta lotta faith in people, babe. Nah. I'll give you 10 to 1 she's gonna ride the lightning.

BOB [incredulous] "Ride the lightning?"

FRED You know - old sparky. The electric chair? Man where have you been?

BOB Considering no one's been executed in an electric chair in this state for - um - help me out Helen--

HELEN 50 years.

BOB 50 years.

FRED Really?

HELEN How the hell'm I supposed to know?

BOB Well, whatever - a long time.

HELEN Actually, I think this state always hanged people.

FRED Hung.

BOB The countdown! 5 - 4 -

JUNE 3-2-

MOM [almost breathless] One.

ANNOUNCER [TV] All votes are in, and as you can see, we had a regular landslide of support for our dear friend Allison here. we have 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes for clemency. Good for you everyone! We'll show the other side, right after this--

SOUND TV OFF

DAD No way!

MOM You can't !

SON I won't watch any more of this. This is brutal.

MOM [angry] Don't you dare! How can we not ... find out?

SON No.

MOM Just until they announce it - we don't have to watch ...if she...

SON Gets it?

SOUND REMOTE THROWN ONTO TABLE

SON You do what you want. I'll be in the garage.

SOUND [after a moment] TV CLICKS ON

COMMERCIAL [something]

KATHY I bet the commercials for this cost top dollar. Like superbowl ads.

JUNE How can you just be so snarky - that girl could die!

KATHY Nah. They can't do that. It would be illegal.

JUNE Not normally, but remember when that guy had a stroke on "Danger Island" last year? The family sued, but the waiver made it perfectly legit.

KATHY And that wasn't even that exciting.

ANNOUNCER [on TV] For those just tuning in, we have perky little Allison in the Box, awaiting your verdict. [continues under] Does she take the next shock, or have you tipped toward clemency for this poor girl?

1. SHELDON Give them the split picture.

TANYA Before and after?

1. SHELDON Uh-huh. [grim] Show them what they did.

ANNOUNCER [on TV] The negative votes have been tallied.

SOUND DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC

ANNOUNCER [ON TV] And we had 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes to let her go.

BOB I'm still saying they'll let her off.

FRED Nope. You already lost that twenty, pal.

HELEN Shh!

ANNOUNCER [TV] The negative count is seven million three hundred--

SOUND TV OFF

KATHY Did you vote?

JUNE Yes. [beat] Twenty times.

KATHY [shrug] You can't beat the bastards.

JUNE But if everyone just voted a few more times...

KATHY Three million more times.

JUNE How can people be so horrible?

SOUND [NEXT DOOR TV] SCREAMING

PEOPLE [laughing]

SOUND POUNDING ON WALL

JUNE [yelling at them] How can you be so horrible??

KATHY They're drunk. Didn't you see the sign?

JUNE [half a sob] Sign?

KATHY The one that said "come to gary's room, get drunk and watch The Box"?

JUNE [down] No.

KATHY Look, turn it on. You'll see she's not dead or anything, then you'll feel better.

JUNE But what if she's not? I mean, what if she is? I mean--

KATHY [sigh] Then you'll know.

SOUND [beat, then] TV TURNS ON

SOUND [on TV] AMBULANCE SIRENS

JUNE [sob]

MOM [sob] Her poor parents!

DAD Don't worry so much - she's not dead.

MOM She was for 43 seconds.

DAD That doesn't even count these days - happens all the time on House.

MOM [very upset] But this is real!

SOUND [on tv] MUSIC UP

ANNOUNCER [tv] And we'll be checking in with Allison as soon as she regains consciousness to confirm her wish to opt out. For now, the game comes down to Bart and Carl.

ANNOUNCER Don't forget - no matter what happens, the game's big final episode is in two weeks.

SOUND CAMERA OFF

1. SHELDON Nicely done.

ANNOUNCER It's really wearing me thin.

1. SHELDON Almost over. And after today's vote, there's no way the station can afford to cancel us.

ANNOUNCER [sigh, then grudging] Two more shows.

1. SHELDON [with meaning] And then we announce the results.

MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT

AMB NOISY BAR

BOB [ordering] Another one.

FRED Packed tonight.

SOUND DRINK SET DOWN

HELEN It's the finale.

FRED [tired] Oh, yeah. That.

BOB Bottom's up!

HELEN Slow down, or I'm gonna have to pour you into a cab.

SOUND CAR KEYS SLAPPED ONTO THE BAR, SCOOPED UP

SOUND GLASS SET DOWN HARD

BOB Ahhh.

CROWD ROAR OF EXCITEMENT

HELEN Hold on! I'll get it.

SOUND TV SOUND UP

MUSIC FANFARE

ANNOUNCER It's the night we've all been waiting for. The night the final results are announced. And we will have an ultimate winner. Let's recap what the winner will walk away with.

SOUND VOLUME DOWN

SOUND DOOR OPENS

KATHY Oh, you're not watching that, are you? [sneer] I thought you decided it wasn't worth it!

JUNE [shell shocked] I can't not watch! I have to know!

KATHY Look, let's go to the library or something.

JUNE No! I would die of suspense!

KATHY It's not--

SOUND TV VOLUME COMES UP

KATHY [sigh] I'm not staying.

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

ANNOUNCER And the contest comes down to our two finalists, Bart and Carl. They have endured amazing hardship to make it this far. Do you have anything you want to say to the people at home, Bart?

BART You still suck and you always will. Every single one of you! Every person who just sits by and supports this shit!

ANNOUNCER [still jovial] And yet, you have continued to play our sick little games - as you call them - despite being offered chance after chance to leave.

BART Hah! I don't plan to fucking let you win, you scumbags!

ANNOUNCER Well said. And you, Carl, do you have anything for the audience?

CARL [mumbles]

ANNOUNCER Speak up?

CARL [vague, reciting] We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Sitting by lone sea-- lone sea.... the sea. The sea. See see oh playmate, come out and play with me.... [fades out]

ANNOUNCER There you have it, folks. And now we go to our man in the street interviewer, Tanya. Take it away!

TANYA Thank you. I'm in a major metropolitan center here, asking people on the street what they think of the Box.

ANNOUNCER If they're outside right now, instead of glued to their sets, they must not think much of it.

BOTH [fake laugh]

SOUND TV OFF

SOUND EATING

MOM What? Don't you dare!

DAD Hey, we were watching that!

SON Are you enjoying this?

MOM Enjoying?

DAD What do you mean?

SON All this shit they've put those people through! You can barely tell them apart now, after they've been starved and had their heads shaved. They look like concentration camp victims!

MOM But - but this is the last show!

DAD What does it matter if we watch or don't watch?

SOUND THROWING DOWN A REMOTE

SON Do what you want. I'll just hope for a six-car pileup. Maybe you'll trade up.

SOUND DOOR OPENS AND SHUT

SOUND REMOTE TAKEN, TV ON

ANNOUNCER And for tonight, the big surprise is--

SOUND DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC

ANNOUNCER Two boxes!

SOUND CANNED CHEERING

ANNOUNCER One for each of you. While we get them all set, here's a word from our sponsor!

AMB BAR

CROWD Buzzing "two boxes?"

BOB [slurry] Whaddaya think they've got up their shleeves?

FRED They're gonna kill one of those boys.

HELEN [confidential] I heard that girl Allison is in a private clinic, barely alive.

FRED Where'd you--?

HELEN Internet.

BOB [sarcastic] Yeah. Then it's probably true.

SOMEONE Turn it up!

HELEN Got it!

SOUND TV UP

ANNOUNCER And now. The moment of truth! All the votes have been tallied. As you can see, we have Bart over here in the red box--

SOUND CANNED APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER [tv] --and Carl over there in the blue.

1. SHELDON close up on Bart, camera 2. Yeah, baby, clench that jaw. Now cut to that trickle of sweat on Carl's face. Nice.

TANYA Back to the announcer?

1. SHELDON One more second, and - yes!

ANNOUNCER [tv] And now, with the votes tallied, we will find out who you out there have selected as the big winner, and who has to take the big penalty.

ANNOUNCER [real] But first, we caught each of our contestants here on secret camera last night. Let's see what they were doing on the penultimate night.

SOUND QUICK JAB OF STATIC

VOICE [tv] ...need to get out now. You don't understand what they have planned for tomorrow. It's so much worse!

AMB BAR

BOB Who the hell izzat?

BART [TV] [scoff] Worse? Worse how?

HELEN Don't know.

FRED Look at that announcer fellow - he's surprised too.

HELEN [half a chuckle] Serves him right.

ANNOUNCER [tv] Sorry - we should have screened that clip before playing it. Let's go over to Carl's shot.

CARL [tv] Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall--[cuts out suddenly]

ANNOUNCER [tv] And that's all the time we have for that. And now the moment of truth. Carl or Bart? You held their fate in your hands.

SOUND COMMERCIAL COMES ON UNDER

MOM [coming in] Where's Kyle? Have you seen Kyle?

DAD [mesmerized] He'll be back. Just ... went out to a friend's house. Probably.

MOM You should turn that off and find him!

DAD We can look in ten minutes just as easily as we can look now!

MOM This is our son!

DAD It's almost over!

SOUND OMINOUS MUSIC ON TV

ANNOUNCER [tv] And now. The final countdown.

MOM Five minutes.

SOUND SHE SITS

ANNOUNCER [tv] This has been quite a journey for everyone - and we would like to thank you all for your support and participation.

BOB Support? I'd shoot that stupid bastard if I had a chance. And a gun.

HELEN You're not the only one, but a lot of people paid a lot of money into that damn show.

ANNOUNCER [tv] --making us the highest rated network series ever--

FRED yeah, and even WE count for ratings, since we happen to be watching it.

BOB [steaming into an alcoholic rage] Then let's not watch it!

SOUND SLAMS GLASS ON BAR, LIQUID SLOSHES

FRED Calm down, pal.

BOB No! Is this what our world has come to? This crap??

SOUND THROWS BEER GLASS AT TV, TV DIES, BUT OTHER SET PLAYS ON IN THE BACKGROUND

CROWD [Shocked silence]

FRED Great, one down, only seven hundred million TV sets to go.

HELEN I'll put it on your tab.

CROWD [chatter begins again]

ANNOUNCER [tv] --will definitely be returning for a second season, starting next fall--

SOUND DOOR OPENS

ANNOUNCER [tv] --and we're looking at celebrity contestants.

TANYA [tv] That will be a whole new ballgame.

KATHY Sorry, didn't know it was still on.

JUNE [distraught] Stay. Please.

KATHY Ugh. Why?

JUNE Because I don't think I'll make it otherwise.

KATHY Make what?

ANNOUNCER [tv] And now for the final outcome.

MOM Yes?

DAD About time.

ANNOUNCER [tv] the final results.

FRED Don't call the police. I'll get him home.

HELEN Yeah. This time.

ANNOUNCER [tv] What we've all been working toward.

JUNE [crying] Can't they just say it?

TV, MUSIC SWELLS, THEN CUTS OUT SUDDENLY

JUNE What?

HELEN Shit, must have blown the circuit.

DAD The electricity's still on!

KATHY Is there something wrong with your TV?

MOM No! It's practically new!

FRED Come on. Quitting time, pal.

SOUND TEST PATTERN NOISE, THEN MUSIC SUDDENLY CUTS BACK IN

ANNOUNCER Thank you all for participating in our experiment.

MOM [gasp]

ANNOUNCER As you can see, all of our actors are in perfect health.

JUNE [sob] How could they--?

KATHY Bastards.

ANNOUNCER We would love to hear your reactions to this show. Please feel free to leave us a message at www-dot-

SOUND TV SWITCHES OFF

HELEN [last call voice] Allright. That's it.

CLOSER

[NOTE: George Santayana, author of the quote.]

MATURE THEMES AND VIOLENCE

When a drifter wanders into a small town - things may get a little... hairy.

Written by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Marjorie Baines - Violet Crestley Lou Garreau - Reynaud LeBoeuf Edith Baines - Eleice Krawiec Dennis Cooperman - David Collins-Rivera (Lostinbronx) Skitch - Justin Grubbs Children - Katy and Athena

Music by Thomas Cusack / [Leafy Lane Productions] Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson and Justin Charles [1st Draft Productions] Cover Design: Charles Austin Miller

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's small town in wartime in the middle of the last century, can't you tell?"

********************************************************************

Loup Noir

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Lou Garreau, forlorn drifter

MARJORIE Baines, precocious teen

Edith Baines, mom

Skitch, thug

Officer Dennis Cooperman, Mom's old flame

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a small town street, during world war two, can't you tell?

MUSIC

AMB BIRDS, PUSH LAWNMOWER, DISTANT RADIO

MARJORIE [reading, in a gruff voice] How can you have no pity for me, oh my Beauty? [high voice] But it is my father! He is dying!--

LOU [clears his throat] I'm sorry to--

CHILDREN [surprised noises]

MARJORIE Oh! [to a child] Here, hold the place in the book.

SOUND GETS TO HER FEET

MARJORIE Do you need some help, mister?

LOU Uh. I'm looking for a Mr. Baines?

MARJORIE Father? He's not here right now.

LOU [deeply disappointed] Oh. Will he be back soon?

MARJORIE [sadly] He's... been dead for three years.

LOU [resigned] Oh. You wouldn't happen to have a brother, would you?

MARJORIE James. Yes. Why?

LOU Is HE around?

MARJORIE Overseas. Marines There's no way to know when he'll be back.

LOU [heavy sigh] Thanks.

SOUND STARTS TO WALK AWAY

MARJORIE Were you a friend of father's?

LOU [rueful laugh, low] We've never met. [up] Where's the cheapest place to stay around here?

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

SOUND LIGHTBULB CHAIN CLICKS ON, DANCES

LOU [groan of pain and waking]

DENNIS [whispered] Are you ready to talk yet?

LOU [mumbled] Talk about what?

DENNIS Talk about what you are.

LOU What am I?

DENNIS [hissed] You're a monster.

SOUND SLAP

MUSIC

AMB PARK

SOUND PAPER FOLDING

MARJORIE [coming on] Oh, hello! Sorry, I never got your name.

SOUND PAPER CRUMPLES

LOU Lewis. Lewis Garreau [gah-ROH]. Lou. And you're a miss Baines?

MARJORIE Marjorie. Why were you looking for my dad? Did he owe you money?

LOU [taken aback] I-um-- No. It's --private.

MARJORIE You don't have to treat me like some kind of kid. I'm almost old enough to drive.

LOU [quiet rueful laugh]

MARJORIE What's that you made? A bird?

SOUND PAPER

LOU It's a crane.

MARJORIE Hmm. Nice. But mister, your crane - it ain't got no legs.

LOU It's flying.

MARJORIE Can't fly forever.

LOU I suppose that depends on whether there's a good place to land.

MARJORIE Minds me. Did you find a place to land?

LOU Miss Mason was full up.

MARJORIE What're you gonna do, then?

LOU Move along. Sleep in the park. Done both often enough.

MARJORIE Must be nice to sleep out under the stars.

LOU [strange] And the moon.

MARJORIE Not much of a moon tonight. [looking up] Is it just me or is it sort of strange when it does that - hanging like a big old smile in the middle of the bright blue sky?

LOU There's plenty of strange things about the moon. [sigh] Run along home, kid. Don't you know better than to talk to strange men?

MARJORIE Hmph. If you're going to be that way--

LOU I am.

MARJORIE [angry] Hmph.

SOUND STORMS OFF, WALKING ON LEAVES

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

SOUND SLAP

DENNIS Just own up to it.

LOU [resigned but in pain] To what?

DENNIS What you did to that kid.

LOU What kid?

DENNIS You were there when we found the body, you bastard.

LOU oh...

SOUND SLAP

MUSIC

AMB PARK

MARJORIE [muttering, huffy] Treating me like I'm some sort of child. Who does he think he--

SOUND RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES

MARJORIE [gasp]

SOUND SHE STOPS, THEN STARTS TO RUN

SOUND RUSTLE, THUMP AS SHE RUNS INTO SOMEONE

MARJORIE [gasp]

SKITCH Hey Marjie. Need someone to walk you home?

MARJORIE Let go of me, Skitch!

SKITCH What if I don't wanna? Maybe I need someone to lean on.

MARJORIE You just want to push me over!

SKITCH Don't knock it til you try it.

MARJORIE [trying to sound tough] Let go, or I'll--

SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN THUMP AGAINST A TREE

MARJORIE [gasp]

SKITCH You will, will you? Tell you what, give me a kiss and I might let you go.

MARJORIE Kiss? You?? I'd rather kiss a dog.

SKITCH Oh, you like dogs, do you? Dog-style's fine with me-- [starts panting like a dog]

SOUND RUSTLE, BODY FALL

MARJORIE [starts to scream, muffled]

SOUND STRUGGLE

LOU Get off her, you punk!

SKITCH Find your own rabbit, grampa.

MARJORIE [still struggling]

LOU [almost a growl] Take a hike!

SOUND SKITCH GETS UP, MARJORIE RUNS AWAY

SKITCH [incredulous] You wanna rumble? [laughs] I only fight guys my own age.

LOU [still growly] Why? Scared?

SKITCH [a little uncertain now] No! [conciliatory] Look, pops, it was just a bit of fun. No harm done.

LOU A little late to apologize. [Yah! noise as he throws a punch]

SOUND FIGHT BEGINS, FADES INTO

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

SOUND SLAP

DENNIS How does it feel to crush the life out of someone?

LOU [uncertain] I...I didn't.

DENNIS And who else could it'a been? You ride into town and just by coincidence, something horrible like this happens? No sale, bub.

LOU [moan]

DENNIS That nose looks bad. Gonna need to be set.

LOU It doesn't matter.

DENNIS Here. I'll straighten it.

SOUND JUICY CRACKING NOISE

LOU [howl of agony]

MUSIC

AMB PARK

LOU Ouch! [hiss of pain]

SOUND FEET ON LEAVES APPROACH SLOWLY

LOU Go away.

MARJORIE No. You need a handkerchief or something? I studied first aid last year.

LOU I'm fine.

MARJORIE [insisting] Here. Did he bite you? [joking] You gotta watch out, that dingbat's got rabies.

LOU [low, bitter laugh] It's nothing.

MARJORIE Why were you looking for my father?

LOU I - I promised to bring him a message.

MARJORIE Maybe my mom--?

LOU No, no... I'll just move along. Maybe when your brother comes home.

MARJORIE Oh, come on--

EDITH [off] Marjie? Marjie?

MARJORIE [triumph] Too late! [up] Over here! [back to him] Come on. If nothing else, you'll get dinner out of it.

EDITH [coming in] Marjie? What are you doing? [a little wary] Who's this?

MARJORIE This is Lou, mother. He chased off Skitch.

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

DENNIS Noses bleed like a sonofabitch, don't they? [sniffs at his bloody hand, disgusted noise]

LOU [juicy sniff of pain]

DENNIS [backs off a bit] Think those ropes will hold you there for a while? I spose I might have some chains somewhere.

LOU [sniff again] Why?

DENNIS [harsh] Because I know what you are.

MUSIC

AMB DINNER

EDITH Since you're the guest, Lou, would you like to say grace?

LOU [uncomfortable mumble] I'm not used to being so formal, Mrs. Baines.

EDITH Edith.

MARJORIE Oh, I'm sure you'll do it just fine.

EDITH "Very well."

MARJORIE Huh?

EDITH "Just fine" isn't proper English, Miss Marjorie Baines.

MARJORIE Sorry, mother.

LOU [murmurs something quickly] Amen.

EDITH [consternation] oh! Amen.

MARJORIE [satisfied] Amen.

SOUND A MOMENT OF SERVING, EATING

EDITH We're not really used to having company, Lou. Will it bother you if we talk at the table?

LOU [bewildered] uh - No?

EDITH Thank you. [serious] Marjie, what was that you were saying about Scottie?

MARJIE [sigh, rolls eyes] Skitch, mother. He stopped answering to Scottie simply ages ago.

EDITH You said Lou ... [trying not to sound too worried] chased him off?

MARJIE [losing her bravado] Yeah. He was being ... pushy again.

LOU I – I don't think he's likely to bother you again any time soon.

MARJIE Oh? Did you wallop him good?

EDITH Good gracious, Marjie, sometimes I simply do not know what to say about your treatment of the English language!

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

DENNIS You think the police don't notice when an – an animal like you creeps into town and right off bad things start to happen?

LOU The bad things were here before I was. Nothing you do's gonna change that.

DENNIS Shut UP!

SOUND SLAP

LOU [Ung]

DENNIS Don't go passing out on me, now. [beat] You still in there?

LOU [gurgle]

DENNIS [mock sympathy] Yeah. I know. We'll think of something to make this better.

LOU [gurgling whisper] Don't... don't kill me.

DENNIS Now why would I want to kill you? I want something from you.

LOU [suspicious] What?

MUSIC

AMB DINNER

EDITH So, Lou, tell us something about yourself.

LOU Not much to tell. Been ... wandering.

MARJORIE "Looking for", or "looking away"?

EDITH Marjie!

MARJORIE It's from a song, mother. It's poetical.

LOU A little of both, I guess. Ain't no one makes it to ...where I am... without a few regrets.

EDITH Have you ever thought about setting down some roots?

LOU Nah. [uncomfortable mumble] Ain't no place would have me.

EDITH What's so terrible about you?

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

DENNIS See, I want to understand. To know what makes you tick, ya freak.

LOU You couldn't understand. Not in a million years.

DENNIS Well, we don't got a million years. Just a couple of hours til night falls, eh?

LOU Why do you--? [disgusted noise, realizing] You know? No! You want it! [horrified laughter] You think it would be fun!

DENNIS I think it would be... useful.

MUSIC

AMB CRICKETS and FROGS, OUTSIDE

EDITH I hope you don't mind, Lou. I don't really have any place to put you inside. But it's a fine night, and Rolf's hammock is very comfortable, and the back yard is--

LOU [uncomfortable whisper] I'm very grateful.

EDITH Here's some blankets. Even a fine night can get chilly.

LOU Thanks.

EDITH [hesitant pause, then] Marjorie said-- said you were looking for Rolf?

LOU Your husband? Yes.

EDITH Why?

LOU [sigh] Someone way back in my family did something to someone in his family, so we owed him. [quickly explaining] It's not money - I mean, look at me.

EDITH Oh. No, I didn't think-- I was just wondering if maybe you knew him. [nervous now] I should get inside, Make sure Marjorie's all ready for bed.

SOUND A FEW STEPS, CREAK OF HAMMOCK ROPES

EDITH [off] Goodnight.

LOU Night. [sigh]

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE, NIGHT

LOU [muttering, grunting, in the throes of a nightmare]

SOUND DISTANT FRANTIC WHINNY OF A HORSE

SOUND WOLF HOWLS, VASTLY DISTORTED AND DISTANT

SOUND HUNTING DOGS

SOUND HEAVY BREATHING, UP CLOSE

SOUND GUN SHOTS

MUSIC

AMB [morning birds sneak in]

MARJORIE [voice blurring into dream] Lou! Wake up!

LOU [waking with a roar, which turns into a noise of surprise as he falls out of the hammock] [then, muffled] Ouch.

MARJORIE [stifling a laugh] Sorry! You were having a nightmare. I thought it would be better to wake you up.

LOU [still muffled] Sorry. [getting up] I didn't hurt you, did I?

EDITH [off] Everything all right?

MARJORIE [walking off, still grinning] He's not used to a hammock. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

LOU [slight chuckle]

SOUND DOG NEARBY STARTS TO BARK, WON'T STOP

EDITH [from off] Come on in, I've got breakfast on! I wonder what's got into Rufus?

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

DENNIS So how does it ... work?

LOU It doesn't.

DENNIS [calmly reasonable] I could probably break your nose a few more times.

LOU It's never going to happen.

DENNIS I'll get it out of you, even if I have to bite you.

MUSIC

AMB PARK

SOUND WALKING

MARJORIE Thanks for walking me. Skitch has been ... weird recently.

LOU Weird?

MARJORIE [heavy sigh] Creepy. Grabby.

LOU You sure you don't want your mother to talk to his folks?

MARJORIE I don't want to get him in trouble. [quiet] His dad beats him up bad. Scottie used to be okay. Almost a friend. Now he's - [firm] now he's just a creep.

LOU Nice is one thing, but you gotta look out for yourself.

MARJORIE Yeah. [long moment of silence as they walk] What was it you wanted to talk to my dad about?

LOU Just something from way back. Something about his family. [painful lie] Nothing that ... can't ... wait.

MARJORIE Is it something about werewolves?

LOU [taken completely by surprise] uh-- what?

MARJORIE I only ask cuz papa always talked about great granpapa and the old country. And how he used to be a big hunter.

LOU [trying to sound disbelieving] Of... werewolves?

MARJORIE That's what he always said.

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

DENNIS So. How does it work?

LOU You'd have to kill me to find out.

DENNIS Let's save that for later.

LOU What time is it?

DENNIS Couple of hours yet. That is, if you're waiting for ...dark.

LOU I got nothing to look forward to.

DENNIS Why did you come here, to this town, anyway?

MUSIC

AMB PARK

LOU [doubtful] Your ...family hunts werewolves?

MARJORIE Well, not nowadays. I don't think there's any werewolves left. No place left to hide in the modern world.

LOU [down] Yeah.

MARJORIE Sides, doesn't take a great hunter to kill stuff any more. [beat] Now that we have grenades.

LOU [snort of laughter]

MARJORIE Hey, you can laugh! I thought maybe that was broken.

LOU Just on the fritz.

SOUND HE STOPS. SHE STOPS

MARJORIE [laughing] what? [serious] what?

LOU Don't ignore this Skitch kid. Seriously.

MARJORIE Well I wouldn't say I IGNORE him--

LOU I can see you want to be kind, but what about the next girl?

MARJORIE Next?

LOU You think you're really the only one?

MARJORIE B-but Scotty--

LOU There are things that can turn even the nicest guy into an animal.

MARJORIE [weakly] Like a werewolf?

LOU Werewolves are rare. Very rare. But angry, mean, dangerous boys are common.

DENNIS [controlled anger] Morning, Marjie. You need a hand with anything?

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

LOU How do you think you know anything?

DENNIS This.

SOUND SET SOMETHING DOWN

LOU That was--

DENNIS THAT bullet hit a strange "wolf" in the woods last night. But I didn't find it out in the woods.

LOU No. [sigh] You think this is something you could control, don't you?

DENNIS I got self control.

MUSIC

AMB WOODS

MARJORIE Morning, Deputy Cooperman.

DENNIS [acknowledging] Marjie. And this is--?

MARJORIE Lewis. He was a friend of dad's.

DENNIS [hostile] New in town?

LOU [trying to stay quiet] Just passing through.

DENNIS Were they expecting you?

MARJORIE Goodness. Listen to you, like he's a suspect or something. Maybe you should be doing something more useful, like looking for Skitch.

DENNIS [disdain] Skitch?

MARJORIE Scott Jorgenson.

DENNIS And I should be looking for him, why?

MARJORIE [backing off] He just - It's not that I want you to arrest him or something. He just was bugging me out here yesterday.

LOU He grabbed her while she was out here alone.

DENNIS I'll keep that in mind.

MARJORIE [moving away] Come on Lou - I don't want to be late for Joan's birthday party.

SOUND THEY WALK AWAY

MARJORIE [calling back over her shoulder] Bye, Deputy Cooperman!

SOUND

AMB GARAGE

DENNIS You gotta have self control to be a lawman.

LOU You're a sheriff's deputy.

SOUND SLAP

DENNIS AND when Sheriff Bonaventure is out of town, I'm in charge. [backs off a bit] Look, I can think of all sorts of ways to hurt you. But I've been reading a couple of books from the library, and they all agree that it's a bite - you biting me - that will give me what I want.

LOU No.

DENNIS You're not going to bite me? Oh, there's ways.

LOU [yelling] It's not like that. It's not goddamn tetanus or snakebite!

DENNIS Then tell me what it is like. Enlighten me.

LOU [very serious and heavy with meaning] It is a curse.

MUSIC

AMB DINNER TABLE

EDITH Should we wait dinner for Marjorie, do you think?

LOU Joan's mother said she would drive all the girls home.

EDITH Do you-- do you think Skitch is a danger? I wish Rolf - or James - was here.

LOU James is your son?

EDITH [heavy emotion] Yes.

LOU Marjorie sounded real proud that he's in the marines.

EDITH [breaks down crying]

LOU What - what's wrong?

EDITH [sobbing] He's dead.

LOU [stunned, but hesitant] Your husband?

EDITH [wail] James!

LOU [crushed] oh ...hell. [realizes] Oh. Uh. Would you-- like a shoulder? I don't mean anything by it--

EDITH [crying] Thank you. [buries her sobs in his shoulder]

LOU [trying to be comforting] There, there.

SOUND DOORBELL

LOU Maybe that's Marjorie?

EDITH [quickly calming, but strained] She would just come in.

SOUND WALKS TO DOOR

EDITH [gasp, then very important] Marjie doesn't know. About James. I got the telegram two weeks ago, and I just haven't - I can't --

LOU Your secret is safe with me.

EDITH Thank you.

SOUND OPENS DOOR

DENNIS Evening, Edith.

EDITH [surprised] Evening, Dennis. Is there a problem? [gasp, panic rising] Did something happen to Marjie?

DENNIS Nothing like that. I just wanted to check in and make sure you're doing Okay.

LOU [low rumble] We ran into the deputy in the woods on the way to the party. [tightly controlled] He was concerned.

DENNIS Can we talk, Edith? Alone?

EDITH Dennis. I'm not ready. Really.

DENNIS [hiding anger] Not about that. About you having strangers in the house with an impressionable girl like Marjorie.

EDITH [angry now] I'll raise my daughter the way I see fit! I don't need your help on that score.

DENNIS Edith, I--

EDITH I don't think we have anything else to discuss, Deputy Cooperman. We were just about to eat dinner. Good evening.

SOUND SHUTS DOOR

EDITH That ... [quiet but intense] ASS.

LOU What did he do to annoy you so bad?

EDITH Oh... He tried to marry me, way back when.

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

LOU Can I have some water?

DENNIS Tell me something first.

LOU What?

DENNIS [shrug] Anything. [excited] Just tell me SOMETHING about what it's like!

LOU It's a curse. It isn't fun.

DENNIS How can you say that? To have the power of life and death right in the palm of your hand!

LOU A gun gives you that.

DENNIS Yeah, but a gun - people go looking for a gun. But with an animal. They just shake their heads and say how sad. No one LOOKS.

LOU Not for the first one. Maybe even the first two. But what do you do when it's the 10th or 20th, or hundredth body to turn up mauled?

DENNIS You have to plan. That's all.

LOU That's part of the problem. You can't plan.

MUSIC

SOUND OUTSIDE, PORCH SWING

LOU How'd he end up a deputy, anyway?

EDITH 4-F. Too short. Everyone else went... away. [starts to cry again, quietly]

LOU Shh. Here.

EDITH It means a lot to have - to have someone to lean on. Just the comfort. It's so--

LOU Yeah, I know. [gently teasing] I won't try and marry you or anything.

EDITh [small sniffly chuckle]

SOUND FEET APPROACH

EDITH Oh goodness.

SOUND RUSTLE AS THEY PART

SOUND FEET ON STAIRS

MARJORIE [teasing] Gosh. Setting a bad example?

LOU Cold. I mean your mother was.

EDITH [a little too fast] Yes.

MARJORIE Goodness gracious! I'm just tickled to find out you're still a human being in there, mother.

LOU [embarrassed laugh]

EDITH [brisk, covering] I think it's time to turn in.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE GARAGE

DENNIS [chuckles] I'm a really good planner. I can handle it.

LOU You don't understand! It's not YOU any more. There's this ... agony, and then you wake up. You're not even a passenger on that train!

DENNIS What?

LOU It's like - like you send your camera on vacation in your place, and when it comes back, the pictures fade slowly in. You never get everything, just glimpses. And it's always the worst things you did. ALWAYS.

DENNIS You're just trying to put me off.

LOU [fierce!] NO! I would LOVE to see you suffer the way I have!! If it weren't that people would die, I would gladly pass this burden on to you.

DENNIS Only bad people.

LOU When you're - like that - every person looks the same. Meat.

MUSIC

AMB BREAKFAST

MARJORIE I hope you don't mind. Mother had to help with something at the church, so I cooked.

LOU Smells good.

MARJORIE Are you thinking of dating my mom?

LOU I... can't.

MARJORIE Whyever not?

LOU I have to move on.

MARJORIE Right away?

LOU Before the end of the week.

MARJORIE Hunting a werewolf?

LOU [sigh] Something.

MARJORIE Tell me.

LOU Don't get it into your head that you're gonna hunt werewolves, young lady.

MARJORIE Of course not. But I want to know.

LOU [indecisive grunt, eats]

MARJORIE [overly casual] Are you a werewolf?

LOU [spit take, then quiet] Yes.

MARJORIE [serious] Did you come here for dad to kill you?

SOUND HE SETS DOWN THE SILVERWARE

LOU [quiet but firm] Yes.

MARJORIE Why dad? Just cause of granpapa?

LOU Your family. It's - this is a curse. I mean the werewolf. And whoever kills the holder of the curse will be cursed in turn.

MARJORIE You killed one?

LOU A long time ago. And the only people who can kill a werewolf without being cursed are your father's family.

MARJORIE Oh, golly.

LOU So I'll go away and check back later--

MARJORIE My brother's dead.

LOU Uh-- Yeah. Your mother told me.

MARJORIE So that leaves just ...me?

LOU I couldn't do that to you.

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

DENNIS Just because you can't control yourself--

LOU You don't think I've tried?

DENNIS I am a lawman.

LOU I don't see a lot of justice right here.

DENNIS You're an animal, not a man.

LOU Kill me, then.

DENNIS I'm sure I'll have to. Eventually.

SOUND PHONE RINGS, DISTANT

DENNIS Oh, heck. [laughs, teasing] Don't go anywhere.

SOUND DENNIS LEAVES

LOU Hah. Ouch.

SOUND TAP ON GLASS

LOU What?

SOUND OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS, MARJORIE SLIPS IN

MARJORIE Oh my gosh! What did he do to you?

LOU Get out of here!

MARJORIE No way! At least I can get these knots undone.

LOU It's almost dusk!

MARJORIE [realizing] Oh! But you wouldn't hurt me!

LOU I would never. But IT doesn't care.

MARJORIE What can I do?

LOU Go home. And if you never see me again, but you... hear... howling--?

MARJORIE What?

LOU If it's not me, it'll be him.

SOUND DOORKNOB TURNS

MARJORIE I'll be back!

SOUND SHE OPENS OUTSIDE DOOR

LOU [SCREAMS, FIGHTING TO GET LOOSE, AND DISTRACT DENNIS AS HE ENTERS]

MUSIC

AMB BREAKFAST

MARJORIE But that leaves you... What will you do?

LOU Try and stay away from people, as much as I can.

MARJORIE Is it that bad?

LOU Yes. But no matter how bad it gets, I'd rather suffer it myself than leave someone else to go through it. At least I'm used to it.

MARJORIE What if you killed yourself?

LOU You don't need to fill your head with these morbid ideas.

MARJORIE Hush. What about it?

LOU I can't. I've tried. Over and over. If I even start, it takes over. That's one of the only times the wolf comes - except the full moon.

MUSIC

AMB GARAGE

LOU [Howls]

DENNIS [excited] Is it starting?

LOU No!

DENNIS Damn. I want to watch.

LOU No. You don't.

DENNIS Yeah. I do. [beat] You know what's funny?

LOU Donald duck.

DENNIS Hah. Hah. What's funny is that phone call I just got - Apparently Scott Jorgenson's dad just sobered up and turned himself in for beating his own damn kid to death.

LOU Yeah. That's real funny.

DENNIS So I got nothing to even blame you for.

LOU I suppose that means you're gonna untie me any minute.

DENNIS Uh... no.

LOU Aw, shucks.

DENNIS [deep breath] Getting late. Guess it's time for the chains.

LOU You want to know the secret?

DENNIS Yeah!?

LOU Come closer.

DENNIS Yeah?

LOU Real close.

DENNIS [a little suspicious] Really?

LOU I have to whisper.

DENNIS What?

LOU [rra!]

SOUND BITE, RIP

DENNIS [scream!]

SOUND ROPES CREAK, WOOD SPLINTERS

LOU [rough, growl] It's starting!

DENNIS Oh my god!

LOU [agony noises]

SOUND HORRIBLE SHAPE SHIFTING NOISES

DENNIS [freaking out]

SOUND GUN SHOTS

LOU [hit, expires]

DENNIS Huh. [touches his bite, hiss of pain]

SOUND CREAKY FLESH NOISE

DENNIS What?

SOUND BONE CRACKS

DENNIS [pain!] oww!

SOUND DROPS GUN, BEGINS TO FLOP AROUND THE ROOM

SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN

DENNIS [howls!]

SOUND HORRIBLE SHAPESHIFTING NOISES

SOUND GUN PICKED UP

DENNIS [almost unintelligible] Self control! I can... control... [disintegrates into a howl]

SOUND GUNSHOT

DENNIS [pain]

MARJORIE [crying] Oh! [Unh! exertion noise when she shoots]

SOUND GUN SHOT

DENNIS [yelp of pain, then angry growl]

SOUND NAILS ON CONCRETE, HE STARTS TO MOVE

MARJORIE No! Unh!

SOUND GUNSHOT

DENNIS [yelp! Expires]

SOUND WOLF FALLS

SOUND 2 more shots, then clicks.

SOUND SILENCE

MARJORIE No more nightmares, Lou.

SOUND OPENS THE DOOR

MARJORIE Not for you, anyway.

SOUND SHUTS THE DOOR

MUSIC

NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE, VERY MUCH LIKE LOU'S

MARJORIE [wakes with a gasp]

SOUND DOOR, FOOTSTEPS

AMB KITCHEN, COOKING

EDITH Honey? You look dreadful. Are you feeling all right?

MARJORIE I think we need to have a talk, mom. About my father.

END

When politics might ruin one world, what if you could slip off to another one?

Inspired by the classic 1920s Shudder Pulps, a mad scientist has captured a set of victims and forces them to play his hideous game! Warning: Mature themes and brutal violence- Seriously

Three men, chained in a dungeon! Beautiful women in peril! An evil genius doctor! Villanous minions!

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Garth Jenkins - Chris Stockett Klaus Heinz - Lothar Tuppan Luigi Marconi - David Collins-Rivera Dr. Chnossos - Chris Stockett Grace - Risa Torres Nathalia - Tanja Milojevic Amelie - Julie Hoverson Susanne - Sara Falconer Helga and Oda - Julie Hoverson Mongrel Henchmen - Danar Hoverson & Reynaud LeBoeuf

With thanks to The Vault of Evil - where I encountered the dreaded Shudder Pulps!!!

Music by Conspiracy (via Jamendo)

Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a dank dungeon room, sometime in the 1920s, can't you tell?"

****************************************************************************

TROPHY CASE

Cast:

Garth Jenkins, American athlete 25

Klaus Heinz, Prussian pilot 27

Luigi Marconi, Italian strong man 30

Dr. Chnossos - wheelchair nutjob 60

Amelie, French girl 20

Nathalia, Russian girl 20

Grace, British girl 20

Susanne, American girl 20

Helga, German girl 20

Oda, Swedish girl 20

MONGREL HENCHMEN [any age]

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a dank dungeon room, in the early 1920s, can't you tell?

1. ROOM WITH BOX, TEASER

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

GARTH See if there's something to bar the door with!

AMELIE I can't see - it's too dim in 'ere!

SOUND [outside] YELLS! THUMPING ON DOOR

GARTH [grunts, holding door shut]

ODA They are right behind us!

NATHALIA We should kill them. Then they will never catch us.

GARTH We gotta try and stay ahead of them.

GRACE There's a box over here!

GARTH Can you move it in front of the door?

GRACE Help me, someone!

ODA [plaintive] Is it heavy?

GRACE It's big. Need to get it away from the wall.

ODA [uncertain] I'll help.

SOUND GRIND OF WOOD ON STONE

GRACE and ODA [grunt, pushing]

SOUND SWOOSH OF BLADE

ODA [SCREAM, gurgle]

GRACE [Scream of fear]

SOUND BODY DROPS

ODA [whimpers, expires]

GRACE [covering mouth, trying to stop screaming]

NATHALIA [excited, but not afraid] She is dead!

GRACE [hiccuppy gasp, gets control] That blade just came out of the wall when we pushed the box!

AMELIE [to Grace] You come with me. We will 'old the door and let monsieur look. [up to him] Je ne sais - eh - we do not even know your name!

GARTH Garth. Garth Jenkins.

AMELIE I am Amelie. [hinting] And this is--?

GRACE [almost composed again, but still sniffling] Grace. I can't believe it. [starting to lose it again] How could something like that... happen..?

AMELIE 'ere. Lean on the door with me.

GARTH Well... Stay back, ladies.

NATHALIA I can see perfectly well from here.

GARTH Ok. She's dead, all right. That blade must have been on a tripwire of some kind.

NATHALIA It cut her nearly in half.

AMELIE What is this tripwire you speak of?

GARTH A trap. He said there would be traps. I guess you need to know why we're here...

MUSIC

1. FLASHBACK DUNGEON

SOUND CHAIN, SCUFFLE, ECHO, DRIP

LUIGI [muttered, in pain] Mamma mia!

GARTH Wowsers. My aching head.

KLAUS [snort of indignation]

SOUND CHAINS RATTLE

LUIGI Hey now! This is an outrage! Who are you to do this-a to me!

GARTH Do what? I can't see a thing. What's someone doing?

KLAUS [calm, superior] Someone has locked us all in chains.

1. CHNOSSOS [over intercom] Yes. [evil chuckle] You are all my prisoners.

GARTH Wowsers!

LUIGI It is an outrage!

1. CHNOSSOS Yes, yes. I am outrageous.

GARTH [to doc] You should let us go. The American government won't like this one bit. No sir.

LUIGI [to doc] You watch yourself, funny guy! You come-a let us out now, and maybe we don't-a kill you dreadful!

KLAUS Shut up! [they do] I wish to hear what this man has to say.

1. CHNOSSOS Very good. I said I am your captor, and this is true.

GARTH Hey!

LUIGI Outrage!

1. CHNOSSOS I have brought you here to play my game. [evil chuckle] I thought that would silence you. I am Doctor Chnossos. Perhaps you have heard of me? [waits, no reply, then grumpy] Probably for the best. I am a secretive genius. [upbeat again] You see, I have it in mind to find the perfect male human specimen in the entire world, and have narrowed it down to you three.

GARTH Specimen? I ain't no specimen!

LUIGI Mamma mia! Look no further! I am the strongest man alive! No one can stand before me!

KLAUS [musing] Fascinating.

1. CHNOSSOS Through exhaustive research, I have narrowed it down to you. Garth Jenkins, All-American football star, Olympic runner, and gold medal swimmer.

GARTH I can hold my breath for three minutes!

1. CHNOSSOS Luigi Marconi, European strongman and champion wrestler.

LUIGI I snap you like a twig!

1. CHNOSSOS And Klaus Heinz, fencing master, ace pilot, and big game hunter.

GARTH Really?

LUIGI Pilot, like the Red Baron?

KLAUS I see no point in denying it.

1. CHNOSSOS The game is simple. See who makes it out of my little labyrinth alive.

GARTH Wowsers!

KLAUS Hmph.

LUIGI Santa Maria!

1. CHNOSSOS There is only one exit. Somewhere out there in my maze. And only one of you may leave. [ominous] Ever.

GARTH You want us to... kill each other?

LUIGI I'm not-a that kind of feller.

KLAUS It could not be so simple.

1. CHNOSSOS You are right. It is not that simple. I do not care who dies, only who escapes. Kill or do not kill - that is no concern of mine.

GARTH Good.

1. CHNOSSOS BUT... whichever ones are left inside will surely die, for I will seal the door the minute an escape is made.

KLAUS Of course.

LUIGI Dios mio!

1. CHNOSSOS And, of course, my beloved maze - it is full of traps!

MUSIC

1. Box room

AMELIE They 'ave stopped. At the door.

NATHALIA Should we open the door and look?

GARTH I don't think so. It could be a trap.

GRACE [cold] If what you say is true, this entire place is a trap. I for one would rather die than fall into their hands, if they're anything like the fellows I saw [falters] before... before--

AMELIE oh! Moi aussi!

GARTH Nobody's dying!

NATHALIA [snort]

GARTH Nobody else!

SUSANNE [distant] [horrible screams!!! THEY GO ON A LONG TIME]

AMELIE Mon dieu!

NATHALIA We need weapons.

GRACE I wish she would stop!

GARTH Well, I've checked everything I can think of on this box. Looks like I can open it, though after what happened, I wish I had a good old pool cue or something to let me stay back.

AMELIE We will stay by the door.

GRACE Out of your way.

SOUND SLOW CREAK OPEN BOX

GARTH I just wish I knew what that crazy doctor wants with-- [breaks off in surprise] What the hay?

NATHALIA What is it?

GARTH The box is full of ... [a little worried] weapons.

MUSIC

1. FLASHBACK DUNGEON

GARTH Why in blazes are you doing this?

1. CHNOSSOS As I said, I must see who is the most perfect male. Since you each have your own strengths--

LUIGI Strength! That is what I have.

1. CHNOSSOS --there is no direct comparison except through competition. To begin with, those chains--

SOUND CLANK, CLATTER AS CHAINS FALL AWAY

1. CHNOSSOS --must come off. There is no contest in watching strong men starve to death. Speak amongst yourselves. I must go and prepare the next challenge. [evil laugh]

SOUND NOISE TO INDICATE SPEAKING SYSTEM IS OFF

GARTH You! Fellows!

KLAUS Ja?

LUIGI Donchoo come-a no closer!

GARTH See here, we should work together. If there's danger here, cooperation will be the best thing for it.

KLAUS [considering] But this voice - he said that only one can win.

LUIGI And that one - its'a gonna be me, by all the saints!

GARTH That's all fine and dandy, but right now we're just three fellers in a dark room. Let's at least stick together til we find a way out. Or some light.

SOUND DOOR GRATES OPEN

KLAUS I think you get both of your wishes.

SOUND KLAUS WALKS

GARTH Hey, not so fast! It could be a trap!

KLAUS I think it is too early in the game for that. No. This is merely an opening move. I will make the first counter move.

SOUND LUIGI GETS UP

LUIGI I'm-a gonna wait and see what happens to that bosch before I step up. No sense a-both of us getting killed alla the same time, eh?

GARTH It looks safe ...so far.

MUSIC

1. BOX ROOM

NATHALIA Weapons? Guns?

GARTH No, no guns. Hold on.

SOUND STUFF BEING MOVED, JUST A LITTLE

GARTH Huh. [almost a chuckle] A good old pool cue. Stay back!

AMELIE Why? Should we not 'elp?

GARTH I saw something move. I'm gonna see what I can...

SOUND SOMETHING FLOPS ON THE FLOOR

NATHALIA A whip! I'll take that.

GARTH You know how to use it?

NATHALIA I had a very unusual ... boyfriend.

AMELIE 'Ow unusual?

NATHALIA [laugh] Oh! Your face! He worked with the circus. Trained animals.

GRACE I don't suppose there might be a riding crop in there? I'm a dab hand with close cuts.

GARTH Stay back!

SOUND THUMP ON THE DOOR

AMELIE 'Elp me 'old the door!

GRACE [grunt, she throws herself against the door] Find us something we can use - quickly!

SOUND THUMP ON THE DOOR

MUSIC

1. dungeon
2. CHNOSSOS Come in gentlemen. [evil chuckle] I can see that physical perfection is no guarantee of courage.

LUIGI I ain't-a no coward - donchoo say that!

KLAUS [from off] I think you had best come in here.

GARTH Come on.

LUIGI I'll a-go first.

SOUND WALKING

GARTH Holy moley!

LUIGI Santa Maria!

KLAUS Most charming, are they not? Sleeping peacefully in their night shifts.

GARTH Look, here, you! It's all very well to challenge us fellows, but this--

1. CHNOSSOS The six ladies you see before you are the most beautiful women in the world.

LUIGI You ain't a-kidding!

1. CHNOSSOS You might recall a recent article about the loss, at sea, of the boat carrying the finalists in the world beauty pageant?

GARTH Jumping jehosephat!

KLAUS [aha] Of course!

LUIGI That explains-a everything!

1. CHNOSSOS It was all a ruse - the boat DID sink, but not until I had "relieved" it of its lovely cargo.

GARTH And the rest of the passengers and crew?

1. CHNOSSOS Unnecessary. They went down with the ship. Couldn't have anyone left behind to inform the authorities of my presence, could I?

KLAUS What is the matter with the girls? Why do they not awaken?

1. CHNOSSOS Oh, it's been much easier to keep them drugged until now. They should be coming to any minute. Before they do, I should tell you the rest of the rules of the game.

LUIGI Game? This ain't-a no game!

GARTH Shh. Let him talk.

1. CHNOSSOS No one escapes without a woman. I need two perfect specimens - a male and a female.

KLAUS You sound like you plan to start a master race.

1. CHNOSSOS I leave that to others. Each of you must choose one of the women for your companion.

LUIGI What do we -uh- do with the girl?

1. CHNOSSOS [juicy] Anything you like. But you must keep her alive until you find the exit.

KLAUS Do you have to keep the same woman?

1. CHNOSSOS Any woman will do. That's all the same to me.

MUSIC

1. BOX ROOM

SOUND THUMP ON DOOR!

GRACE They're going to get through any second

SOUND WHIP CRACK

NATHALIA [vicious, excited] Let them.

GARTH Here's a knife, and - oh!

SOUND THUMP OF KNIFE INTO BOX

GARTH Got it!

SOUND THUMP ON DOOR

GRACE [gasp, strain] Got WHAT?

GARTH Something spidery. Probably poisonous - that's why I'm taking this kinda slow!

SOUND SPIKE COMES CRUNCHING THROUGH DOOR

AMELIA [gaspy scream] Be more quick!

NATHALIA Let it open.

GARTH All right. On three, both of you, move over there, quick! I don't want to lose nobody else.

SOUND THUMP, CRASH!

MUSIC

1. dungeon

GARTH What about the others?

1. CHNOSSOS What?

GARTH The other girls. There's six of them and only three of us. What happens to the others?

1. CHNOSSOS [nasty wicked] Don't worry. They won't be alone for long. [evil chuckle] You think I run this place single-handed? I have a horde of ..."men" just waiting to [insinuating] make the ladies' acquaintance.

GARTH You fiend!

KLAUS Very clever.

LUIGI You put this into our hands? You make-a this all our fault!

1. CHNOSSOS [taunting] Your fault? Why, no! Think of it this way - you each get to save one of these ladies from their fate!

GARTH A fate worse than death!

1. CHNOSSOS Just because those left behind are.... mmm... doomed.

GARTH Well, we won't leave any, will we? [beat] Will we?

KLAUS It will make it very difficult to succeed, herding a flock of women through a maze.

LUIGI I like-a the ladies, but they can be a little hard to manage.

SOUND GIRLS BEGIN TO WAKEN

GARTH You heels. [up, to doc] Hey! What if we don't leave any of 'em behind? What about that?

1. CHNOSSOS You can make that choice if you want. And of course, should any of them die in the traps in this maze--

GARTH Die?

1. CHNOSSOS --and I assure you gentlemen, the traps are very very deadly! You might do well to take more than one, rather like a spare tire - since no one will make it out without a distaff partner.

KLAUS Nein.

GARTH No, Six.

KLAUS [exasperated sigh, then "duh"] No. I will burden myself with only one. Easier to watch over.

AMELIE [waking, very French] Oh la la! Ou et la?

LUIGI But how do you propose to choose who gets a-which a-one?

GARTH We should make up our minds now - before they all wake up and start a ruckus.

NATHALIE [russian-sounding mutter]

KLAUS I have already decided. I will have this blonde one.

SUSANNE [waking up] Oh!!

GARTH Why's that?

KLAUS Simple. She is the smallest. Easiest to carry, should something happen. You, girl.

SUSANNE [gasp, American] What? Where am I?

GARTH Hey, you should leave her to me. She's from the good old U-S of A!

KLAUS Too late. Come with me, girl.

SUSANNE I don't want to--

KLAUS [threatening] Do not argue with me. This is a matter of life and death!

1. CHNOSSOS Too right you are. For in five minutes, that green door on the far wall will open and a few of my choice minions will be let loose in this room. And you know what will happen then... [evil chuckle]

GARTH Holy cats! We better get a move on.

LUIGI But where a-do-a we go? There's the dreadful green door, and the way-a we came in, and then--?

SOUND GRATING OF STONE

KLAUS How convenient. Three doorways open. Come girl. I will keep you alive.

SOUND GRABS UP SUZANNE

KLAUS And we will make our exit, stage left.

SUSANNE But I don't understand!

KLAUS I will tell you all you need to know. [commanding] Come!

SOUND THEY LEAVE

AMELIE And 'oo will tell us all we need to know?

LUIGI French? Eh! I have always favored French girls. I'll take-a you.

AMELIE [defiant] Take-a me where? I do not think so!

LUIGI [getting mad] Don't argue a-with-a me! You won't-a getta better chance-a than this!

GARTH You better go, lady. Bad things are gonna happen here.

AMELIE Huh! And no bad tings will 'appen with thees fellow? Hah!

LUIGI Atsa your bad-a luck, then. You--

HELGA Ja?

LUIGI Do notta speak. Just come.

SOUND HUSTLES HER OFF

AMELIE Hmph. Adieu.

MUSIC

1. BOX ROOM

SOUND MAN CHOKING

GARTH Leave off!

NATHALIA [with exertion] He would be doing worse to me, were our positions reversed!

GARTH We already killed three of them! We should keep him alive, make him tell us how to get out of here!

NATHALIA Very well. [lets up, then hissed] You! You will take us through the maze, or He will leave you to me again, and strangling you is NOT the most painful thing I can do with this whip.

SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER

MONGREL [gasping]

GRACE Are we certain the others are dead?

GARTH Best as I can be.

AMELIA I want 'is spear. Anything to keep terrible things at arm's length.

GRACE I guess that leaves me the knife, unless you want to dig further into that box.

SOUND CREAK OF WOOD

GRACE The box! It's tipping forward!

GARTH Dang it! [to the captive] YOU! Where do we go from here?

MONGREL [gibbers in his language]

GARTH Don't tell me he don't speak no English!

AMELIA If he does not speak, then he is no use!

NATHALIA Da! Then he is mine!

MONGREL No! No!

GRACE There's an opening under the box - and the darkness! It's moving!

AMELIA Spiders!

NATHALIA Bah! A whip is useless against such as those - we must leave here!

MUSIC

1. DUNGEON

GARTH Gosh. I can't leave any of you girls here alone. That wouldn't be right.

AMELIE We can look after ourselves.

NATHALIA Speak for your own self! I want him to look after me.

ODA Someone tell us, please, what it is that is going on?

GRACE Yes. Can't you fill us in?

GARTH Not here, not now. We gotta get moving - bad things are coming.

GRACE Bad things? Could you be a bit more vague?

AMELIE [troubled] That voice over the intercom - it said that. I think he is sincere.

GARTH We'll get a move on, and I can tell you as we go.

ODA You are taking her with you?

GARTH Darnitall, I'm taking all o' y'all.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, KLAUS

SUSANNE [distant, still screaming and gasping, and sobbing]

KLAUS Verdammt. She must be behind the wall here, somewhere. [noise as he kicks the wall]

GRACE [distant scream]

KLAUS My apologies, miss America. But there remain other fish in the ocean.

SOUND HE WALKS AWAY FROM SUSANNE'S SCREAM

MUSIC

1. FLAShBACK TO BOAT

SOUND CALM OCEAN, DISTANT MUSIC

SUSANNE Gee, this is swell!

AMELIE You are recovered from your mal-de-mer?

SUSANNE One hundred percent! Gosh, even seasick sounds so much nicer in French, don't it?

AMELIE [laughs]

ODA Oh, here is where you are! It is almost time for the curfew.

AMELIE I don't think it is so dangereuse, to steal a few more minutes of this lovely ocean air!

SOUND FEET APPROACH

GRACE Ah, I'm not the only one with a mind to an evening constitutional? Makes one sleep quite soundly.

SUSANNE Is that another boat out there?

AMELIE [shrug] Eh. There are innumerable boats in the ocean.

SOUND BELL

SUSANNE Yeah. I swear it's coming right at us.

ODA [a bit worried] Oh, come along, we must obey the rules!

SOUND THEY WALK INSIDE, DOOR OPENS

GRACE You'll forget all about strange boats once you get around some warm milk, and tuck up for the night.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, LUIGI

HELGA I cannot move another step!

LUIGI [threatening] Ahhh! You know what-a will happen to you if-a you don't!

HELGA [stifled sob]

LUIGI Open that door.

HELGA My hand is still bleeding from the last door!

LUIGI So. You still have one-a good hand. [growl] Open it.

HELGA [sobbing breath]

LUIGI [warning noise]

HELGA [takes deep trepidacious breath, pushes door open]

SOUND DISTANT EXPLOSION

HELGA [gasp!]

MUSIC

1. FLASHBACK TO BOAT

AMBIANCE BOAT

SOUND EXPLOSION

NOTE GIRLS HAVE BEEN DRUGGED, ARE GROGGY

SUSANNE What? What's going on?

SOUND STUMBLING TO DOOR

SOUND HUGE CREAK, THINGS SLIDE

SUSANNE What the - oh!! [stumbles, gasps for breath]

ODA Why is the world sliding to the window?

SUSANNE I'll try to [gasping breath] try to get to the door--

SOUND STAGGERING FEET

ODA Don't leave me! I cannot swim!

SUSANNE I'll just--

SOUND DOOR FLIES OPEN

MONGREL [evil laughter]

SUSANNE [screams]

ODA What is it? Oh! [screams]

MONGREL [evil laughter]

MUSIC

1. OUTSIDE BOX ROOM

SOUND WHIP CRACK

MONGREL [scream of agony]

NATHALIA [ecstatic gasp, laugh!, sound of effort as she brings her arm back for another slice]

SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER, CATCH HAND

MONGREL [whimpering]

GARTH [ugh as he stops her] Here, now, that's enough of that!

NATHALIA Hmph. That one will be of no help!

AMELIE We cannot merely stand 'ere in the corridor! Something will come!

GRACE She's right. We should keep moving along.

NATHALIA This one goes first. If he will not help us find the way, his only use is to find the traps before we do.

SOUND CLUNK, BEHIND A DOOR

GARTH Shh! There's something in that room up ahead!

SOUND GRAPPLE

MONGREL [whimper]

NATHALIA Open the door, you beast!

MONGREL [negatory noise]

NATHALIA [intense whisper] You think I've hurt you already? You have felt nothing yet!

GRACE Here, now - that's quite enough!

NATHALIA Back off, limey! I have no wish to die!

GARTH Ladies!

AMELIE The only one 'oo wins, if we fight, is the monster 'oo put us 'ere!

NATHALIA If this thing is not going to open the door, it certainly will not be me!

GARTH [determined sigh] I'll open the door. You three, stand back. Keep an eye on him.

NATHALIA [muttered] Teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

SOUND DOORKNOB SLOWLY TURNS

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, LUIGI

SOUND ZIPPER

HELGA [sobbing]

LUIGI Get up.

HELGA No. I will not.

LUIGI You should be grateful I would even touch you - you sniveling thing.

HELGA I have lost everything. My hand. My... dignity. And now this ... insult.

LUIGI [nasty whisper] Think of it as a compliment. One last chance to feel like a woman.

HELGA [hissed, angry] I might feel like a woman, if you felt anything like a man!

LUIGI You bitch!

SOUND SLAP

HELGA [gasp]

LUIGI I am your only chance to survive. Once we get out of here, you can go to hell!

HELGA [fiery] You can go to hell right here!

SOUND SHE RUNS OFF, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY

LUIGI What?

SOUND TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS, RUSTLE AS HIS PANTS FALL, HE TRIPS

LUIGI [falling, ahhh! Oof!]

HELGA [distant - laughter is cut off by a shrill scream, in turn cut off in mid-scream]

SOUND HEAVY THUMP OF A BLADE, DISTANT

LUIGI Biiiiitch!

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, GARTH

SOUND DOOR OPENS

GARTH It's dark.

AMELIE Do not go in. I'll light something off one of these flames.

GRACE What will burn well?

GARTH I'll open the door the rest of the way, see what I can see-- urk!

SOUND SCUFFLE!

AMELIE Garth?

GRACE Oh god!

NATHALIA Bring it out into the light!

SOUND STRUGGLE STOPS

KLAUS [from within] Step back, ladies. We are coming out.

GARTH [half strangled] Why I oughtta....!

KLAUS Shh! This knife says you are now the quiet one. [up] I suggest you ladies all move over there. Unless you want your hero to have a very close shave.

GRACE Nathalia! Come here!

NATHALIA [angry noise]

SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER, HER ANGRY FOOTSTEPS

KLAUS Danke shoen. Let us be Civilized about this.

GRACE Go on then.

GARTH Civilized? Urk!

GRACE [low and intense] Do not anger the man with the knife!

KLAUS The ever practical britisher. Hah! I find myself without a companion.

GRACE Susanne?

AMELIE [gasp]

NATHALIE Fiend!

KLAUS [cold, tinged with anger] She was snatched from behind me by one of the minions. I turned and saw her pulled through a door, which I could not open.

GRACE So, being practical, what are you doing here?

NATHALIA Is it not obvious? He needs a new woman.

KLAUS Ja. [wry] Have I a volunteer? Or must I resort to threats?

AMELIE You are not going to kill 'im?

KLAUS Not if one of you comes with me. We will walk down the hall, and he will accompany us as far as the intersection there.

AMELIE Why should we trust you?

KLAUS You have my word as a Prussian.

GRACE And the others?

KLAUS [matter of fact] Wait here. He will come back for you. He is such an honorable schoolboy. Is it a deal, my fine fellow?

GARTH [gasping a bit] Only if the ladies agree.

GRACE One of us will have to--

NATHALIA I will go.

AMELIE What, you want to go with 'im?

NATHALIA Perhaps I am this tired of boy scouts. Should I take my pet along with me?

SOUND KICKS

MONGREL [Urk]

SOUND FLOPPY FALL

GRACE Goodness, I think he's... dead!

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, LUIGI

SOUND TRICKLING, DRIPPING NOISES

LUIGI Dios mio! Such a mess. Stupid woman!

SOUND DOOR OPENS, DISTANT

LUIGI Too bad-a this blade is too big to take with me. I am-a left with the same club of wood. No more blades up above? [considering noise, scanning the ceiling] No. nothing else a-looks tricky.

SOUND CAREFUL STEPPING OVER, FOOTSTEP IN STICKY PUDDLE

LUIGI [ech! Disgusted noise]

SOUND DISTANT FOOTSTEPS, BOOTS

SOUND LUIGI WALKS QUIETLY OFF, STICKY FOOT

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, LADIES

AMELIE What if 'ee does not return?

GRACE He can't get out without one of us. He must come back.

AMELIE [odd tone] But... 'ee can only leave with one of us.

GRACE We'll sort that all out when we get that far.

AMELIE [musing] Oui. We will.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, KLAUS

SOUND SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS

KLAUS There. Now, you must admit I have done you no more harm than I had to.

GARTH [angry sigh] Yes.

KLAUS And you swear you will count 20 before you move?

GARTH Yes.

NATHALIA [cold] I do not see why you should not kill him, eliminate the competition now.

GARTH Nathalia!

NATHALIA Garth, dear boy - you are adorable. But this is life and death, tovarisch.

KLAUS [furious hiss] I have given my word, woman!

NATHALIA [fierce, But backing down] Very well!

GARTH You should get a move on. For all we know that eyetalian fellow is already on his way out the exit.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY LUIGI

MONGRELS WATCHING, ON THE LEFT, GENERAL CONVERSATION

MONGREL [babbling]

MONGREL2 [babbling, slightly higher voice]

LUIGI [on right, whisper] Bastardos!

SOUND ROCK SKIPS ACROSS FLOOR

MONGRELS [gasp to a stop]

SOUND WEAPONS COMING TO READY

MONGRELS [shushing each other]

LUIGI [whispered] Now for the bait.

SOUND JUICY DRAG NOISE, FLOP

LUIGI [whispered] Look at that a-shapely leg, boys. How can you resist?

MONGRELS [murmur - excited - wolf whistle]

LUIGI [high pitched gasp, mimicking a girl]

SOUND STICKY FLOPPY NOISE, PULLS SEVERED LEG BACK

MONGRELS [nasty chuckle]

LUIGI Just a few... more... steps...

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, GARTH

SOUND WALKING, TAPPING AHEAD WITH A STICK

GRACE How will we know the exit when we find it?

GARTH I guess, from what he said, I assumed it would be obvious.

AMELIE Do not pester 'im. 'ee is doing the best 'ee can! [to Garth, warm] I trust you, completemente!

GARTH [a little uncertain] Well. They went thataway, so I figure we should try this direction.

GRACE Perhaps he knew something?

GARTH I don't think so.

AMELIE Whichever way you wish to go is fine. I am right behind you, [sexy] always.

GARTH Come on, then.

SOUND THEY TAP AND WALK OFF

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, KLAUS

SOUND SCUFFLE, SWOOSH, THUMP, CREAK OF LEATHER

KLAUS [heavy breathing] That was too close!

NATHALIA My God! That would have cut me in half!

KLAUS You look much better in one piece.

NATHALIA If we do not escape-- [leaves it hanging]

KLAUS This doctor says we will be sealed in here. Do not worry. I will kill you quickly. And then find a way to end myself as well.

NATHALIA Before you do that, we must find a place where we can ...enjoy one last minute together.

KLAUS If it was only a minute, I would call it an insult to both of us.

NATHALIA [ecstatic deep breath]

KLAUS [Deep breath] [clipped, cold] But for now - Let us try still to win, before we plan to celebrate defeat.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, LUIGI

SOUND FIGHT!

LUIGI [grunt]

SOUND CRUNCH

MONGREL [squeal, ends in gurgle, dies]

LUIGI Hah! That's-a for you.

SOUND BODY DROP

SOUND SMACKS HANDS CLEAN

SUSANNE [muffled gasp, behind wall]

LUIGI Eh?

SOUND SCUFFLE

SUSANNE [sob]

LUIGI Where are a-you?

SUSANNE Who - who is it?

LUIGI [low chuckle, then muttered, satisfied] It's-a someone who needs him a woman.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, KLAUS

SOUND WALKING APPROACHES, STOPS

NATHALIA Borje-moi! Another dead end!

KLAUS [furious!] Gott in Himmel! [deep hissed breath, calming himself] Pah! At least going this direction, we know where the traps are.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, LUIGI

SOUND DOOR GRINDS OPEN

SUSANNA [hoarse shriek] No more! Please!

LUIGI Come out of there. We need to move along!

SUSANNA [whimper] You're not one of ...them?

LUIGI I am one of-a me. And I need one of-a you. Come now, girl, or I will leave you to their mercies.

SUSANNA Noo!!!

LUIGI Come out!

SUSANNA But I-- [whimpers, sniffles] They took my clothes!

LUIGI You can-a walk naked, can't you?

SUSANNA [cries]

LUIGI Fine. I take-a you something from these-a dead fellows, eh?

SUSANNA Just anything. Please.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, GARTH

SOUND TAPPING, OFF TO THE LEFT

GRACE I know what you're about!

AMELIE Whatever do you mean?

GRACE This helpless act, and agreeing with everything poor Garth says. He won't be fooled.

AMELIE I am fooling no one. I truly agree with 'im. Is it so bad that I wish to survive?

GRACE I shan't play this game.

AMELIE She 'oo does not play cannot 'ope to win!

GARTH [coming in] Seems clear up ahead. Come on.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, KLAUS

SOUND WALKING

KLAUS Shh!

SOUND THEY STOP

SOUND DISTANT DOOR OPENS

KLAUS [whispered] stay close!

SOUND QUIET STEPS

KLAUS [whisper] This way.

MUSIC

1. HALLWAY, GARTH

SOUND WALKING

GARTH [whispered] Big open room ahead. Stay right here, and keep an eye out behind, got it?

AMELIE [fervent] Absolutment!

GRACE [clipped, a bit sour] Yes.

SOUND HIS FOOTSTEPS, THEN A GRATING NOISE

GARTH A gate! Quick! Come on!

AMELIE It's coming down too fast!

GRACE Slide!

SOUND GRATING STOPS

GARTH [grunts - effort - holding up the gate] Come... On! Quick! Get under!

GRACE Go!

SOUND DISTANT MUTTER OF MONGRELS

AMELIE They are coming!

GRACE Move your shapely posterior!

GARTH [lots of effort] Quickly!

AMELIE [breathing heavily] Oh! Oh! I am clear!

GRACE My turn, I think.

GARTH HURRRRRRY!

GRACE Oh! Something's grabbed my foot!

AMELIE [quiet] oh no.

GRACE Help me! Amelie! Ahh!

GARTH [straining] I can't hold it much longer!

AMELIE [dithering] Oh... [decides] Oui. Give me your 'ands!

SOUND HANDS SLAP TOGETHER

BOTH WOMEN STRAIN

GRACE I'm loose! Quick, Pull!!

AMELIE Uuuh!

SOUND RIPPING OF FABRIC

GARTH It's slipping!

SOUND CLANG! PORTCULLIS DROPS

GRACE Good god - If my feet were a size larger, I'd be lost. Amelie. Thank you.

AMELIE [upset] pas du tout. It was nothing.

1. CHNOSSOS True - I fear your heroics were for nothing, mademoiselle.

AMELIE [gasp]

GARTH What are you talking about?

1. CHNOSSOS You are too late.

SOUND GRATING ACROSS THE ROOM, SCUFFLE AS KLAUS AND NATHALIA ENTER

GARTH Too late? Too late for what?

1. CHNOSSOS The Italian. He has found the exit. And even though his female was.... damaged goods... I never specified they had to make it out in pristine condition.

KLAUS And now what is to happen?

1. CHNOSSOS I have what I wanted. You are ...expendable.

SOUND SPEAKING TUBE BEING CLOSED

KLAUS That door - Is that the exit? Do you know?

GARTH I guess I thought it was.

SOUND DOORS OPENING, ALL AROUND

SOUND FEET ENTER

MONGRELS [many] [laughing evilly]

KLAUS There must be dozens of them!

GARTH Quick! Circle up! Face outward.

NATHALIA No mercy!

SOUND WHIP!

GRACE Amelie, Come on!

MUSIC

1. THE WINNER

SOUND MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHAMPAGNE POURS

LUIGI So. What-a is it that I win?

SOUND MACHINE WHIRS, ENTERING

1. CHNOSSOS [not on speakers] You are the perfect male specimen.

LUIGI I coulda told you that from-a the beginning.

1. CHNOSSOS You are lucky I was only looking for physical specimens. Morally, I fear you are ... flawed.

LUIGI [shrug] You never asked for morals. You don't-a seem like the type.

1. CHNOSSOS No. I have never been overburdened with morals. Scientists can't afford such luxuries.

LUIGI [scoffing] Scientist? A dried up old-a walnut of a fellow like-a you?

1. CHNOSSOS You should be more polite to your host.

LUIGI I think-a we are past that. So? What do I win?

1. CHNOSSOS Have some more champagne and I will tell you everything.

MUSIC

1. STILL IN THE MAZE

BACK TO OUTER ROOM

SOUND FIGHT HAS ENDED. HEAVY BREATHING ALL ROUND

MONGREL [groan]

KLAUS [grunt as he stabs the man]

GARTH That looks like the last one moving. Everyone okay?

GRACE I think Amelie is hurt. Her thigh.

AMELIE It's just a scratch.

GRACE Why don't you see if you can get the door open? I'll see to this.

NATHALIA I will watch for any other ... enemies.

KLAUS So, [wry, but with humor] my fellow loser, do we go and take our prizes?

GARTH That sounds jake to me! Let's get that door open!

MUSIC

1. INSIDE DOC'S LAIR

SOUND DOOR CRASHES OPEN

1. CHNOSSOS [on speakertube] So, you have managed to escape!

KLAUS Ja.

1. CHNOSSOS You are too late!

GARTH All we want to do is get the heck out of here, doc! You try and stop us, and we'll give you what for!

NATHALIA We are not going to find and kill this beast?

SOUND LIMPING UP BEHIND

AMELIE [whimpers, gasps]

GRACE We simply do not have that luxury. It is more important to get ourselves clear. [to Amelie] Come along.

KLAUS [to doc] I doubt that there is one of us who would want any prize that came from the likes of you!

GARTH [to doc] Just you stay out of our way! You hear?

1. CHNOSSOS Go on. Leave. I have no need for any of you.

MUSIC

1. BOAT

SOUND OCEAN

SOUND CREAK OF BOAT

SOUND FEET APPROACH

GARTH All clear. And there's even some food in the galley.

KLAUS Get the ladies on board.

GARTH Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

KLAUS That leaving this ... villain... to roam at large is somehow dishonorable?

GARTH I just wanted to whup his fanny, but that sounds real reasonable.

NATHALIA [breathless, worried] You're not going back in there?

KLAUS Ja. And I am coming back out. [quiet, intense] You are fierce. That will give me the inspiration to return.

NATHALIA [gasp]

GARTH Hey.

GRACE Yes?

GARTH Is she... is she doing okay?

GRACE [resigned] She'll survive. Thanks to you. Now go on. Make the world safe for all of us.

GARTH Right. Come on, Klaus.

MUSIC

1. AMBIANCE DOC'S LAIR

SOUND DOOR BROKEN IN

SOUND JUICY PLOPPY CUTTING NOISES

GARTH and KLAUS [react as they stumble in]

1. CHNOSSOS No! Stay away! I am not finished!

GARTH Holy Cow!

KLAUS Mein Gott!

1. CHNOSSOS You will not take away my perfect specimen!

GARTH I don't want it.

KLAUS But you, old man, must be stopped.

1. CHNOSSOS Nooooo- Urk!

MUSIC

1. OUTSIDE

SOUND TWO MEN WALK BACK TO THE BOAT

SOUND BEHIND THEM THE PLACE BURN

KLAUS Mein gott. That could have been either one of us.

GARTH We can't tell none of them girls what we saw in there.

KLAUS There is no reason they should need to know.

GARTH Good. You and me, Klaus old buddy, are the only ones who will ever know what the winner of this damned game was gonna get.

KLAUS ...Skinned and mounted as a trophy.

END CREDITS

[Mature themes and violence]

A modernization of the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe, turning it into a 1980s frat house horror movie.

A bunch of pranksters find out the joke's on them.

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Frogger - Brian Lomatewama Lydia - Megan Lane Rex - James Turpin Deanna - Chandra Wade Uno - Justin Charles Buzz - Lothar Tuppan Trey - Danar Hoverson Lucky - Cary Ayers June - Kate Waterous Lisa - Melissa Pang Bob - James Sedgwick Fred - Jonathon del Arroz Dora - Melissa Bartell Kathy - Suzanne Dunn

Music by Persson (available on Jamendo) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Thanks to Glen Hallstrom for sound assistance Cover Design: Dennis Hager

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a college locker room, in the classic era of frat-house prank films, can't you tell?"

******************************************************************

POE-etic Justice

Loosely adapted from the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe by Julie Hoverson ([email protected])

Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Frogger Lydia Tripp Deanna Dora Bob, Fred, Kathy, June

FRATS: Rex Mason, fraternity head, etc. Uno Buzz Trey Lucky

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a college campus in the nostalgic era of screwball hijinks films, can't you tell?

MUSIC

LYDIA (Quotes from the original story) I never knew anyone so keenly alive to a joke as the king was. He seemed to live only for joking. To tell a good story of the joke kind, and to tell it well, was the surest road to his favor. Thus it happened that his seven ministers were all noted for their accomplishments as jokers.

AMB LOCKER ROOM

UNO Man! Did you see the look on his face!

BUZZ Like he'd never seen it bald before.

FRATS [Hearty laugh]

TREY That was you guys? Oh, man.

FROGGER [muttered] It's gonna itch.

UNO [less chummy] What?

FROGGER [laughs unconvincingly] When the hair grows back. It itches like a sonofabitch.

TREY, UNO, BUZZ [chuckle]

UNO [pretend serious] And Frogger would know!

TREY, UNO, BUZZ [laugh hysterically]

REX Cut him some slack, dudes. Frogger's our pal. He's a funny guy.

MUSIC

LYDIA About the refinements, or, as he called them, the 'ghost' of wit, the king troubled himself very little. He had an especial admiration for breadth in a jest, and would often put up with length, for the sake of it.

MUSIC

REX Are they gonna get here soon?

BUZZ If Studs and Lucky got everything right.

REX Cool, then. This is gonna be a laugh riot.

BUZZ When the froshes come walking into the rooms, each thinking they're gonna "get a little", oh yeah.

REX Got someone with a tapedeck in each bathroom?

BUZZ Too right! We had to borrow an extra one from Delta pi, but that's cool. It was Deanna made the tapes anyway.

REX Frogger, what'd you get her to say?

FROGGER [sigh, then, putting on a matching tone] I gave her this script. Should be funny as hell.

BUZZ Here! "oh, good! You got my note! I hope you don't mind that I'm a little... kinky. [laughing and having a hard time reading] I want you to undress and [collapses]

REX What?

BUZZ Gimme a minute! [laughing, deep breath] undress and put on my underwear. It's right there on the bed.

BUZZ and REX [hysterical fit]

REX Not laughing, Frogger?

FROGGER Just saving it til I see their faces.

REX [agreeing chuckle] That'll be boss. Hey, you're into all that educated stuff. What's up with this Woody Allen guy?

BUZZ That's that little Jewish nerd, right?

REX This chick I was with last week says he's all hilarious, but I watched this movie - well, some of it, I was mostly macking on another hottie, and it was all like whining.

FROGGER You want the brainhead answer or the real life one?

REX Hit me with the smart one.

FROGGER Woody Allen specializes in observational humor - looking at the angst and neuroses inherent in modern life and stepping aside and commenting on them.

BUZZ [elaborate yawn]

FROGGER But mostly it is just whining.

REX [laughs] I knew it!

SOUND DISTANT DOOR OPENS

BUZZ Shh! Here they come!

MUSIC

LYDIA I believe the name 'Hop-Frog' was not that given to the dwarf by his sponsors at baptism, but it was conferred upon him, by general consent of the several ministers.

MUSIC

AMB PARTY

REX Grab me a brewski Frogger.

FROGGER No problemo.

DEANNA Why "Frogger"? I mean, that's not like his real name, right?

REX Duh. You just gotta see him cross a street sometime. Freaking funny.

DEANNA Why do keep a little toad like that around? Did you like lose a bet?

REX Nah. Frogger's pretty frosty, for a complete nerd. He comes up with some truly awesome pranks.

DEANNA He would have to. Just looking at him is like visual herpes.

REX Nah, the guys like having him around, cuz next to a mini weenie like that, we all look like kielbassas. Not that I don't look good anyway.

DEANNA [chuckles seductively] Yeah, takes a whole can of vienna sausage to measure up to one ball park frank.

REX Plumps when you get it hot, babe.

FROGGER Your beer. And a cocktail for you.

DEANNA [cold] Thanks.

REX Cool. Hop along now, dude. My term paper is due tomorrow.

DEANNA See, that's where it's so much harder to be a girl than a guy.

REX Why?

DEANNA No matter how smart she was, I couldn't keep a dog like that around. We'd get a rep.

MUSIC

LYDIA I am not able to say, with precision, from what country Hop-Frog originally came. It was from some barbarous region, however, that no person ever heard of - a vast distance from the court of our king. Hop-Frog, and a young girl very little less dwarfish than himself, had been forcibly carried off from their homes.

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE

LYDIA Hiya, Tim!

FROGGER [warm] Hey Lydia.

LYDIA You, um, doing anything tonight?

FROGGER Me? No. Did you need some help with something?

LYDIA Me? No. I was thinking there's a showing of L'annee Derniere a Marienbad in Culver Hall tonight. And after what you said about the surrealists [falters] I thought maybe--

FROGGER Like a date?

LYDIA [backing off] Maybe. [covering] Or as friends. I mean, you don't have to pay or anything.

FROGGER No, no! I'd love to. I'm just surprised you'd still speak to me.

LYDIA Because you hang out with the jackasses? Nah. I understand. I wouldn't mind getting on someone's good side.

FROGGER [deep] It's not worth it. Really.

LYDIA But I'm lucky - I don't do anything that makes me a target. Back in Fulton County, I hated being invisible. Here, though? It's a blessing.

FROGGER Even in Fulton, I didn't have much of a choice. Gotta run now. Rex is planning a big party for the long weekend.

LYDIA He needs help?

FROGGER Mostly he just wants people to give him ideas that he can take credit for later.

MUSIC

LYDIA The king was sitting at his wine; but the monarch appeared to be in a very ill humor. He knew that Hop-Frog was not fond of wine, for it excited the poor cripple almost to madness; and madness is no comfortable feeling. But the king loved his practical jokes, and took pleasure in forcing Hop-Frog to drink.

MUSIC

ALL FRATS Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

FROGGER [drinking, gasping]

REX Awesome.

FROGGER [coughing]

BUZZ Weenie.

ALL FRATS [laugh]

FROGGER [barely contained anger] Keep 'em coming.

ALL FRATS [approval]

REX Take a breather, dude. Mellow out first. Besides, before you kiss the sky, we need your brain.

FROGGER [breathing deep, trying not to get sick] What do you expect it to do?

ALL [laugh]

REX We heard that Epsilon Omega is having a toga party.

ALL Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!

REX Shh! We're pissed we didn't think of it first.

UNO Very pissed.

REX Since we don't want to look like copycatting dildoes, we need to come up with a better party.

TREY And quick - it has to be Friday.

LUCKY Their party is Saturday.

BUZZ And it has to be awesome.

UNO And chicks have to be nearly naked.

REX Well?

FROGGER Hmm. Garden of Eden.

BUZZ We don't want any bible crap--

FROGGER You wanted less clothes than togas.

UNO That's the dumbest--

REX Hold on. Are we talking fig leaves and stuff? [considering] Hmm...

UNO I ain't gluing nothing to MY Johnson.

FROGGER Paint the bikini?

TREY What?

FROGGER Get a bunch of tempera paint, have everyone arrive in bikinis, lay out a bunch of tarps and paint each other.

REX You mean paint ON each other, right?

FROGGER Duh. I would suggest finger painting.

REX [considering] Yeah.

FROGGER And then everyone has to shower off...

REX [up] Yeah! That is so boss! Half naked chicks, AND you get to put your hands all over them. Frogger, you are the MAN.

MUSIC

LYDIA On some grand state occasion-I forgot what-the king determined to have a masquerade. Hop-Frog, in especial, was so inventive in the way of getting up pageants, suggesting novel characters, and arranging costumes, for masked balls, that nothing could be done, it seems, without his assistance.

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE

LYDIA Hey Tim!

FROGGER Lydia! Hey.

LYDIA [amused] Is this your idea?

FROGGER What?

SOUND PAPER

FROGGER "you are cordially invited to a bikini painting party--" Uh, no.

LYDIA Hmm. Well, someone invited me.

FROGGER [up] No! I mean, don't come. Those guys are dicks, and--

LYDIA I wasn't planning to, unless you were asking.

FROGGER Good.

LYDIA I'm not much for drinking - or being around a bunch of drunks.

FROGGER Good!

LYDIA I suppose... I suppose you're kind of stuck there?

FROGGER I have to be there for a while. Until everyone's drunk enough that I can slip out.

LYDIA Let's meet up later, then.

SOUND SHE WALKS AWAY

LYDIA [calling back] Maybe I'll even let you paint me.

FROGGER I-- uh-- okay.

TREY Dude.

FROGGER [gasp of shock]

TREY Nice little number. I bet you get her out of the glasses and baggy sweater and she's a total fox.

FROGGER [desperately lying] Nah. She's got no tits at all. Just tissue.

TREY Damn. Chicks are such fakers.

FROGGER [relieved sigh]

MUSIC

LYDIA Hereupon the dwarf laughed (the king was too confirmed a joker to object to any one's laughing). Moreover, he avowed his perfect willingness to swallow as much wine as desired. The monarch was pacified.

SOUND PARTY, LOTS OF LAUGHING, DISCO MUSIC

REX Ni-i-ice. Blondes look good in green.

JUNE [GIGGLES]

REX But are you a natural blonde?

JUNE Only my bikini knows.

REX Maybe it will tell me later...

JUNE [giggles]

REX See ya. Hey Frogger. I notice your hands are clean.

FROGGER Just - um- came from the bathroom.

REX Hmm. Beauty idea about giving each guy a different color and starting a contest to see what girl can get the most colors.

FROGGER Deanna's got quite a rainbow going.

REX Is that a crack?

FROGGER Huh? No - just admiration.

REX Ah, new guests. Gotta mingle.

LISA [giggle] Oh, look at you! Are you someone's little brother?

FROGGER You ever hear the phrase "Say Hello to my leetle friend"?

LISA Yeah?

FROGGER That's me.

LISA [wide-eyed] You said that?

FROGGER [sighs] No that's Scarface. I'm "the leetle friend".

LISA [giggles]

LYDIA [off, calling] Oh, there he is!

FROGGER Oh shit. Excuse me.

MUSIC

LYDIA There was a dead silence for about half a minute, during which the falling of a leaf, or of a feather, might have been heard.

MUSIC

FROGGER [hurried, whispered] What are you doing here?

LYDIA Didn't you call? Dora, at the dorm said--

FROGGER No, I didn't. You need to get out of here.

LYDIA [puzzled, but laughing] Why? It looks kind of fun.

FROGGER [frustrated noise] No! They're gonna--

BUZZ I see someone wearing too much clothes!

LYDIA Huh?

LUCKY Did you bring your bathing suit, foxy lady?

FROGGER She's not here for the party. It's a mistake.

LYDIA [annoyed] No it's not.

TREY Is this cuz of what you said about her?

FROGGER Just drop it. You gotta go.

LYDIA [sharp] What did you say?

FROGGER Nothing. C'mon, let's bail.

TREY He said you got no boobs under there.

LYDIA What? What is wrong with you? God, Tim, I thought you were my friend.

FROGGER Lydia! Don't! I can explain--

TREY Want to prove him wrong?

BUZZ Of course, if you don't have a suit‑‑

SOUND RUSTLING

LYDIA Actually, I only have a one-piece.

FROGGER Don't!

LYDIA Chill out.

SOUND RUSTLING AS SHE TAKES OFF HER TOP

ALL FRATS [approving noises]

TREY [walking away] Why don't I start - I am curious. And I'm yellow.

FROGGER [weak] No...

REX C'mon dude. Bottoms up.

SOUND RATTLE OF ICE IN GLASS

MUSIC

LYDIA Poor fellow! his large eyes gleamed, rather than shone; for the effect of wine on his excitable brain was not more powerful than instantaneous. He placed the goblet nervously on the table, and looked round upon the company with a half-insane stare. They all seemed highly amused at the success of the king's 'joke.'

MUSIC

SOUND PAINT SLOSH

LYDIA [laughing uncomfortably] That's cold!

TREY I could warm you up a bit. Maybe a hot shower. I'll scrub your back.

LYDIA [uncomfortable] I didn't say stop.

TREY I haven't seen you at one of these before. What are you, a hermit?

LYDIA Just busy studying.

TREY [suggestive] Do you study... anatomy?

LYDIA I'm an english major.

TREY This--[he's painting on her] is the bicep...

LYDIA Yeah, I know.

TREY And this-- is the [drawn out] pec-to-ral...

LYDIA [gasp of shock] I think I'm - out of my depth. I should go.

TREY Nonsense. There's seven more colors to go. Everybody wants to get his hands on you.

LYDIA No. No, look, this was a bad idea.

TREY This-- is the gluteus maximus.

LYDIA Stop!

SOUND SLAPPING NOISE

TREY Oh come on. You don't want to leave this masterpiece unfinished, do you?

LYDIA Let go of me!

REX [overplayed] OK, what's going on?

TREY Models. They're so high strung.

REX You should have a drink. Frogger did.

LYDIA I just want to go.

REX [raising his voice] Hear that everyone? She just wants to go.

ALL [everyone laughing]

DEANNA Who does she think she is?

ALL [more laughing, mostly guys]

SOUND POUNDING ON A DOOR

FROGGER [in closet] Stop! No!

REX You know, these picnic bottles were a really good idea.

SOUND SQUIRTS PAINT

LYDIA [surprised shriek]

ALL [laugh]

LYDIA [crying] Stop!

REX Well, being the king, I had her first. Who's next?

BUZZ I got red, how bout I KETCHUP!

[squirting]

ALL [laughing]

FROGGER [in closet] Nooooo!

MUSIC

LYDIA The tyrant seemed quite at a loss what to do or say - how most becomingly to express his indignation. At last, he pushed the girl violently from him, and threw the contents of the brimming goblet in her face.

MUSIC

SOUND BREATHING IN A CLOSED SPACE. OCCASIONAL THUMPS AS FROGGER BEATS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL; the party has run down

SOUND DOOR OPENS

REX Damn. Almost forgot about you. C'mon out. Everyone's all gone home.

SOUND FROGGER SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET, THUMP AS HE SLAMS REX AGAINST THE WALL

REX Unh!

FROGGER You bastard! You sonofabitch!

REX C'mon dude. It was just a joke. No big deal.

SOUND DRINKS FROM A BOTTLE

REX Here. mellow out.

SOUND OFFERS THE BOTTLE

FROGGER No big deal? You- you--!

REX Have a drink and get frosty, dude. Or I might forget I have a big paper coming up and that you need fingers if you're gonna write it for me.

SOUND FROGGER SNATCHES THE BOTTLE, DRINKS DEEP

REX There you go. That's a pal.

SOUND FROGGER THROWS THE BOTTLE ACROSS THE ROOM, BOTTLE SMASHES

REX [laughs heartily] Yeah! You cool?

FROGGER [grim, teeth gritted] I'm completely frozen.

MUSIC

LYDIA Hop-Frog endeavored, as usual, to get up a jest in reply to these advances from the king; but the effort was too much.

MUSIC

SOUND SHOWER RUNNING

SOUND PHONE RINGS, DISTANT, IS PICKED UP

DORA Yello? [up] Lydia!

LYDIA [yelling, still upset] I'm in the shower!

SOUND A MOMENT, THEN POUNDING ON THE DOOR

DORA It's that guy you like. He wants to talk.

LYDIA Tell him to sit on it!

MUSIC

LYDIA "The beauty of the game," continued Hop-Frog, "lies in the fright it occasions among the women."

MUSIC

TREY Man, he went total meltdown.

BUZZ His eyes were all bugging out.

UNO Gets all squeaky, like a little bitty piggie.

REX Shh, Here he comes. [up] Frogger, my man. Have a brewski - we need you at the top of your game tonight.

FROGGER Whatever. [drinks]

REX Jeez, check out Mr. Dickweed. He needs to mellow out. Bring on Mr. Cuervo.

SOUND LIQUID POUR

FROGGER Just tell me what you need.

REX Nuh-uh. Not until you got a good buzz. [serious] Drink.

FROGGER [sighs]

MUSIC

LYDIA "What do you mean by that? Ah, I perceive. You are Sulky, and want more wine. Here, drink this!" and the king poured out another goblet full and offered it to the cripple, who merely gazed at it, gasping for breath.

MUSIC

REX I don't know how we didn't hear about it sooner, but Epsilon Omega is doing this medival banquet thing - and it's tonight! It's sposed to be totally off the hook, with jousting and shit.

FROGGER [muttered] Jousting's on horseback.

UNO We gotta DO something!

BUZZ We gotta get in there and mess with them!

LUCKY Epsilon Omega are such douches, we gotta show em up!

REX But see, they won't let anyone in that ain't in a costume. YOU need to get us in there.

FROGGER You can't just rent some stuff?

UNO All the shops are sold out!

TREY We're like the only ones on the entire campus that didn't get an invite!

LUCKY The pussies!

REX And we gotta show them up at their own damn game! So it's got be really really medival. Come on!

UNO And frogger, man, you're the king of this crap - the bikini painting party was completely the bomb!

FROGGER [grim] That. Right. Pour me another one.

MUSIC

LYDIA The monarch was pacified; and having drained another bumper with no very perceptible ill effect, Hop-Frog entered at once, and with spirit, into the plans for the masquerade.

MUSIC

FROGGER There is this thing--

BUZZ Yeah?

FROGGER Something really authentic and medival--

LUCKY Dude! Just spit it out!

FROGGER I'm assuming you don't want to be lepers--

TREY Like the cat? I'd rather be a tiger.

FROGGER No! Leper. Like all grody zombie-looking people.

REX We could do that.

FROGGER But this will be better.

REX Yeah?

TREY Dude, zombies are medival?

FROGGER [sigh] No. No zombies. And it has to be a costume we can put together really fast.

REX Duh. Party's tonight.

FROGGER Back in the olden days, they had all sorts of weird party stuff they did. And one of them was something called the eight chained orangutangs.

BUZZ Orangutangs? Man they rock! [makes farting sound] That's like Clyde in Every which way but loose, eh?

ALL [start making monkey noises]

FROGGER It does take eight guys, though...

REX No problemo. There's five of us here, plus Ricky, Finn, and uh - Marco.

FROGGER [dark] Exactly the ones I'd'a suggested.

MUSIC

LYDIA "The chains are for the purpose of increasing the confusion by their jangling. You are supposed to have escaped, en masse, from your keepers. Your majesty cannot conceive the effect produced, at a masquerade, by eight chained ourang-outangs!"

MUSIC

ALL [making monkey noises]

FROGGER BUT we have to get you dressed up! Come on!

REX [commanding] Shut up! Listen to Frogger. Save the monkey shit for later.

LUCKY Yeah, man - monkeys throw their shit. We should have something to throw!

BUZZ I'm calling the costume shop.

FROGGER You can't.

BUZZ Who says?

FROGGER You want to be all historical, right?

REX Duh.

FROGGER OK, well they didn't have snazzy costumes way back when.

TREY What did they do?

FROGGER Covered themselves in tar, then rolled in flax.

BUZZ What the hell is flax?

FROGGER Fibers. Looks like hair.

LUCKY Tar is gross. It never comes off.

FROGGER You do it OVER clothes. Like a track suit.

TREY You expect us to get all tarred up and roll around in hair? You're a complete--

REX Genius. We break into the party like this, and those dicks at Epsilon Omega will never be able to live it down.

MUSIC

LYDIA The king and his ministers were first encased in tight-fitting stockinet shirts and drawers. They were then saturated with tar. A long chain was now procured. First, it was passed about the waist of the king, and tied, then about another of the party, and also tied; then about all successively, in the same manner, making a circle.

MUSIC

SOUND CLANKING, SHUFFLING FEET

ALL FRAT [muffled giggling]

SOUND PASSING A BOTTLE

REX Shh. Watch out for the post, dumbass!

TREY There's a buttload of posts in an old warehouse.

UNO Man, it's kind of cold.

FROGGER [dark] Don't worry - you'll be warm later.

SOUND MORE CLANKING

FROGGER I checked out the layout earlier. They've got a horseshoe of tables surrounding the middle of the room, with knights and wenches and all seated on the outside. You should go round the outside of the room first, making trouble-

TREY Grabbing chicks - "not my fault! Orangutans like boobies!"

BUZZ Beep-beep.

FROGGER [exasperated] Yeah. [up] But then get to the center of the room, and I'll come in and get the crowd going.

REX Dude, you are truly the man.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, CLANKING STARTS LOUD

ALL FRATS [monkey noises]

SOUND [distant screams]

MUSIC

LYDIA The eight ourang-outangs, taking Hop-Frog's advice, waited patiently until midnight before making their appearance. No sooner had the clock ceased striking, however, than they rushed, or rather rolled in, all together-for the impediments of their chains caused most of the party to fall, and all to stumble as they entered.

MUSIC

SOUND WALKIE TALKIE NOISE

FROGGER [hushed] Ok, they're in. Wait for my signal.

SOUND CRACKLE OF STATIC

LYDIA [almost unrecognizable, on air] Gotcha.

FROGGER We've got about five minutes...

MUSIC

LYDIA The excitement among the masqueraders was prodigious, and filled the heart of the king with glee. As had been anticipated, there were not a few of the guests who supposed the ferocious-looking creatures to be beasts of some kind in reality, if not precisely ourang-outangs.

MUSIC

SOUND [screams, laughing, monkey noises - behind doors]

SOUND DOOR CRASHES OPEN

FROGGER [squeaky british "jester" voice] Good folk!

SOUND [some quieting, ape noises still going on]

SOUND MICROPHONE SQUELCH

FROGGER Good people!

SOUND [quiet]

FROGGER Good people! I spy beasts in our midst!

FRATS [ape noises]

CROWD [ripple of laughter]

FROGGER they must have escaped from a keeper!

REX Dude, is that my mister microphone?

FROGGER [not on mike] Shh. [on mike, playing it big] It speaks! Perhaps it is merely a man in a fabulous costume?

FRATS [hooting monkey noises]

SOUND CROWD APPLAUDS

FROGGER Leave them to me! I fancy I know them. If I can only get a good look, I can soon tell who they are!

SOUND CHAIN RATTLES

FROGGER Look at these muscles. If not a beast, then a beast of a man, don't you think?

FRATS [very butch monkey noises]

FROGGER Perhaps there is someone here who can help me identify them. You, Milady?

NOTE [frogger is using the mike on the people he's talking with, but the frats are just yelling]

SOUND SLOW MACHINE NOISE SNEAKS IN THROUGHOUT, A BIT OF CHAINS, TOO

DORA Me?

FROGGER I think you know that big one in front. Do you not?

LUCKY [chuckling] Oh, yeah, she knows me. If you know what I mean.

DORA [furious] He got me drunk and took topless pictures of me, that he posted all over the dorm!

LUCKY What's a dog like her doing at an Epsilon party?

DORA You ... you bastard!

FROGGER That's a big clue, but I still don't quite recognize them. Maybe you, sir?

BOB [stuttring] They - all of them - cornered me in the locker room and pelted me with jockstraps!

BUZZ Dude, it was a joke!

BOB Every day? For a semester! It wasn't funny!

TREY It was to us.

FROGGER And you, fair maiden?

KATHY [crying] They tied me up and covered me in dip at one of their parties.

UNO What's so bad about that?

KATHY I got a rash! And a yeast infection!

REX Okay, we're out of here. This ain't funny any more.

SOUND CHAINS RATTLE, A COUPLE OF STEPS

FRATS [reaction noises - ugh, hey, whoa! - as they trip, get pulled up short]

UNO What the crap?

REX The chains're caught on something. Frogger! Help us out here.

FROGGER [annoucning] How blind they are, eh, gentle folks?

SOUND APPLAUSE

MUSIC

LYDIA With the rapidity of thought, he had inserted the hook from which the chandelier had been wont to depend; and, in an instant, by some unseen agency, the chandelier-chain was drawn so far upward as to take the hook out of reach, and, as an inevitable consequence, to drag the ourang-outangs together in close connection.

MUSIC

SOUND MORE CHAINS, STRUGGLES

BUZZ We're stuck!

REX The chains got caught on that hook thing! Can you reach it?

TREY Give me a boost!

SOUND MACHINE NOISE, HOOK RAISING

REX What the crap?

UNO We're chained at the waist, dumbass, how far you think you're gonna get climbing?

FROGGER Little do they know that this party was thrown in their [sour] honor. Is it not ironic that they were so caught up in their own amusement they didn't recognize a single one of the people they've wronged?

REX You are so dead, you little shitball. The minute we get out of here, your life will go to hell.

FROGGER My life has been hell, you evil douchbags! You think I liked being your little funny guy - your jester? You think I helped you because I thought it was fun? Every joke I helped with was like ground glass in my soul, and I still feel like I should be hanging up there with you. [to crowd] One more notch, and they'll be on tiptoe. What do you think?

CROWD [roars approval]

FROGGER It's not as funny when you're the butt of the joke, is it?

UNO Dude, just cut it out. We've learned our lesson, and shit. man.

FROGGER Lets see what the crowd thinks!

CROWD [booo]

FROGGER Sorry. Can't let it go just yet. How about you, milord? What's your beef?

SOUND HAND OVER THE MIKE NOISE

FRED [not on mike] They're gonna bury us.

FROGGER [not on mike] Not a problem. C'mon. Think of it as group therapy.

SOUND MIKE UNCOVERED

FRED [quick, ashamed] They duct taped my - my butt.

FROGGER [sincere] I'm very sorry.

SOUND CROWD SUBDUED APPLAUSE

SOUND ANOTHER CRANK OF CHAIN

FRATS [whoa! They've been pulled off the ground]

MUSIC

LYDIA The jester suddenly uttered a shrill whistle; and the chain flew violently up - dragging with it the dismayed and struggling ourang-outangs, and leaving them suspended in mid-air.

MUSIC

FROGGER Ah, ha! I begin to see who these "people" are now! But it's so dark in here. Give me a tiki torch, someone.

DORA Here.

FRED Watch out - they'll kick you!

FROGGER They could. But then they'll start swinging. It's not fun, hung up by your waist, is it?

UNO You little shit!

TREY Your ass is grass, man.

SOUND STRUGGLING, CHAIN CREAKING, SWINGING

FROGGER [to the crowd] How many of us have been hung like this - by you, or those like you?

CROWD [agrees]

FROGGER [over elaborate] Watch out! Don't swing too close to the fire!

SOUND FIRE CATCHES WITH A WHOOMPH

FRATS [screaming]

CROWD [screams]

FROGGER Whoops!

MUSIC

LYDIA "I now see distinctly." he said, "what manner of people these maskers are. They are a great king and his seven privy-councillors, - a king who does not scruple to strike a defenceless girl and his seven councillors who abet him in the outrage. As for myself, I am simply Hop-Frog, the jester-and this is my last jest."

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE, NIGHT

SOUND DISTANT FIRE TRUCKS

LYDIA I can't even feel sorry for them.

FROGGER Nope.

LYDIA It helps, to know I'm not alone.

FROGGER You should never feel alone. I'm here.

LYDIA I mean, that they hurt lots of people.

FROGGER [self-loathing] And I helped. Too many times.

LYDIA They would have done it anyway.

FROGGER I can't forgive myself.

LYDIA Could I?

FROGGER Could you what?

LYDIA Could I forgive you?

FROGGER [a bit teary] That would be a good start.

MUSIC

LYDIA It is supposed that Trippetta, stationed on the roof, had been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, and that, together, they effected their escape.

MUSIC

THE END

...

Another cautionary future tale. Science - even the most basic - is forbidden.

The first movie crew to film with real aliens? The realism! The tension!

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand...

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson

Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore

The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill: John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green

The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson

Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson

No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid.

**********************************************************************

Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]

Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]

EPISODE 5

FANSHAW Lem! Everyone's gathering! It looks a bit of a party.

LEM What's them Swedes a-doin?

FANSHAW They're standing by. Like a menacing wall of blonde.

LEM [laugh, then coughs]

FANSHAW Are you quite sure you're up for this? The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse.

LEM Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there?

MRS. DOC [behind door] You all right in there? May I come in?

LEM [up] Yes ma'am.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, SHE ENTERS

LEM Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers.

MRS. DOC That sounds wise. You've already done wonders. But I have a favor--?

LEM Anythin' ma'am.

MRS. DOC [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh--

LEM Go on?

MRS. DOC To fix my window, there? They are the ones that broke it.

LEM I already planned on jest that, ma'am. Donchoo worry.

MRS. DOC Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel.

LEM Oh, no ma'am. Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit]

MRS. DOC Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out. They can just hold their hosses.

FANSHAW I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come.

FADE

SOUND OUTSIDE

FANSHAW [sigh] Still out of sight. Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady.

EZRA Are they gonna fight?

FANSHAW [definite] No. My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks.

EZRA It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it?

FANSHAW No. Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we?

EZRA Is that the lady, in the cart? With the big hat and veil?

FANSHAW I would assume so. A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities.

EZRA Why'ud a lady wear a veil? Is she really ugly?

FANSHAW I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun.

EZRA Ain't much sun under all these trees.

FANSHAW And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage. No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see. [pause] I need to let Lem know what all is going on. I'll be back shortly.

SOUND SHOUTS

FANSHAW What?

EZRA Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight!

FANSHAW They weren't supposed to! Blast! That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart!

MRS. BEAMISH [screams] Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine!

FANSHAW Not much of a lady. And nothing much we can do here.

EZRA Oh, lookee! That feller got punched right off the cart!

SOUND GRUNTS

FANSHAW I need to go and tell Lem. Would you stay with them and see where they go?

EZRA [eager] That would help ya?

FANSHAW It would be very helpful.

EZRA I'm your man. [distracted] Oh goodness! That fellow slammed into the tree! That's gotta smart something fierce!

FADE

LEM They here yet?

DOC No. It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet.

FANSHAW Lem! Ambush!

LEM [quiet] Aw hell.

DOC What?

LEM [sigh, considering best way to say] I think I ...heard something.

DOC [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts. The way you keep hearing things.

LEM [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range. Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get.

DOC I reckon so.

LEM And with the window broken, sound can get in more.

DOC What is it you heard?

LEM Fighting. Or leastways a yell. Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind.

DOC You think there's still trouble?

LEM I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon.

DOC Dag nabbit.

SOUND STORMS OUT OF ROOM

FADE

SOUND OUTSIDE

SOUND SOMEONE RUNS UP

OLY Vad är det? [What is it?]

KJELL [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!]

OLY [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?]

KJELL [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka. [We ... took the woman back.]

SVEN Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för! [Good! Now we have what we paid for!]

OLY Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot! Now there will be war!]

FADE

FITCH What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?]

SCABBY BILL 'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout. The lads--]

PIKEY Clack on't devil! Eyup Jimmy! [speak of the devil.]

SOUND RUNNING FEET

JAMES [gasping and in some pain] Eyup! Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked! Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!]

FINCH Good night! Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn! Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.]

JAMES Canna settle now! Yon 'eads want thumpin'! Paid in full. [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads! They deserve it!]

FINCH Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good]

PIKEY [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad. Tha path's neither nowt nor summat. Time fer muckin out. Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them. [no, lad. Your way is doing no good. Time to clean this up. There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.]

SCABBY BILL Tha's the pot! Us'm tek'er first! [You're one to talk! We took her first]

PIKEY [making his point] S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.]

MINERS [mutters] "s'truth." "Ba gum." "It gets right up ma cuff." "'Arsh, that." "Toes up o'er grub? Nae!"

JAMES Us'll clean them clocks! [we won't lose!]

PIKEY Ne'er seen clock tha could clean.

DOC [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN!

ALL GO QUIET

DOC Bother. That's about all I got.

FADE

LEM This's how wars get lit.

FANSHAW Who is this woman anyway? Helen of Troy?

LEM Was she on the stage or sumpin?

FANSHAW [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun.

LEM Ain't no war great and glorious. Not till everyone as been there's long dead.

FANSHAW Oh.

LEM How'd they end that war?

FANSHAW [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse.

LEM [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us. [groans, getting up]

SOUND RUSTLING OF CLOTHES, ETC.

FANSHAW Don't--!

LEM Ain't no choice here. Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me. Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

FANSHAW Speak of the devil!

DOC Here now! What are you doing, Mister roberts?

LEM I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once.

DOC You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening?

LEM I gotta right good guess. Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her.

DOC I think so.

LEM Hitch up the cart. We're gonna mosey to the logging camp.

FADE

SOUND OUTSIDE

LARS [commanding] Du! Kock! [You! "cook"]

MRS. BEAMISH [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead!

LARS Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld. [you came here to cook for us. You owe a debt.]

MRS. BEAMISH Gah-on. Say somfing in normal talk. Ah dare ya.

LARS [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?]

ARN Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.]

FREDEK Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.]

NELS Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire.

EZRA Why's that, Mr. Nels?

NELS You! Can you do something?

EZRA What should I do?

NELS Get that woman over here. The one that was calling out.

EZRA Who? Oh! [laughs] That's no woman! That's Mr. Fanshaw.

NELS Well, he sounds like one to me. Is there anything he can do?

FADE

DOC Brought the wagon round. Come on then, lemme give you a hand.

LEM You kin carry my kit, if you would.

DOC You need support--

LEM [definite] No. Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can. And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that.

DOC I'll be right behind you, then. Just in case.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

MRS. DOC [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give.

DOC Irene?

MRS. DOC Not from you, dear. Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir?

DOC Irene!

MRS. DOC I've already got my hat on, husband. We might as well get moving.

DOC What exactly do you think you are doing, woman?

MRS. DOC [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride.

LEM [tries not to laugh]

DOC I forbid it!

MRS. DOC [sweetly] Oh, of course, dear! If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add. Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten--

DOC [losing steam] Oh hush!!

LEM The lady has a point, doc. Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us.

MRS. DOC Good. Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake! You're swaying like a sapling.

FADE

EZRA Mr. Fanshaw! [laughs] Nels says you sound like a lady.

FANSHAW It is just my accent. The way I talk.

EZRA You do talk funny.

FANSHAW Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce?

EZRA What is that?

FANSHAW When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag.

EZRA Where do they get a white flag?

FANSHAW They just make one. Please. It is important that we know.

FADE

SOUND OUTSIDE

SOUND SCUFFLE

MINERS [Arguing] "More brass'n brains" "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans" "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I."

SWEDES [arguing]

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

LEM [sigh] Shut up!

SOUND STILL FIGHTING

LEM Pardon me ma'am. Step aside if you please.

SOUND HER STEPS

SOUND GUNSHOT

ALL [go quiet]

SOUND SOMETHING DROPS

Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]

EPISODE 6

1_MOVING OUT

LEM You miners. You... uh... manskers. Um. [slowly, with gestures] We go in cart to your--

OLY Mig?

LEM Yes, your camp. You lead us.

SCABBY BILL [slightly out of breath] Right. Nowt wait aught mair. Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt.

LEM We's all a-goin. [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am.

MRS. DOC [a bit shaky] All right.

DOC [quiet] Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad.

LEM They's all still on their feet.

OLY [slowly, trying to be understood] detta var inte min idé. Inte jag. Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea. Not me. I will speak sternly to them.]

LEM You lead. [turns to Scabby Bill] You follow. Reckon?

SCABBY BILL Reckon.

FADE

2_GRADY1

SOUND SOMEONE RUNNING IN PANIC

GRADY [gasping muttered mantra] Don't slow down, don't slow down. A log! Oh sweet Jesus!

SOUND THUMP, SCRAMBLE, SLOW MOVEMENT

SOUND BEHIND HIM, MEN

MAN1 Keep heading downhill!

MAN2 Brush too thick over there! This way!

GRADY [barely there prayer] Pity me! [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion]

SOUND RUNNING AGAIN

FADE

3_AGREEING

SOUND CART PLODDING

DOC [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene.

MRS. DOC I cannot disagree.

DOC You should never've - what?

MRS. DOC [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband.

LEM [quiet chuckle]

DOC [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs] My mother always said you would be a handful.

MRS. DOC I believe mine said something very similar.

DOC About me?

MRS. DOC [laughing] No, about me.

LEM If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller.

DOC I cannot disagree.

LEM Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am.

ALL [laugh]

FADE

4_LOGGING CAMP

FREDEK Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!]

LARS Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!]

FREDEK Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!]

ARN Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.]

LARS Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.]

ARN Han ser arg. [He looks angry.]

FREDEK De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.]

NELS Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble.

OLY [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you! Stand aside!]

NELS And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down.

LARS [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?]

OLY [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot! We were in accord. Then you interfered! You stand aside!]

FADE

5_CHUCKIE

JAMES Tha gormless bastard! Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot. Even with the guns, we could win.]

PIKEY And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing. Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother. What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?]

TED [sigh] And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere. [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.]

FITCH I dinna feel fer the fight. Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure. [I don't feel like fighting. That fellow - he seems fair.]

PIKEY Cud gang fer a slurp missen. [This would be a good time for a drink.]

FADE

6_GRADY2

SOUND RUNNING

MAN1 and MAN2 [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!" "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"]

GRADY [gasping and ragged] Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river. Anything. [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away...

FADE

7_CART

SOUND HORSES. CART NOT MOVING.

DOC [whispered] Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart.

MRS. DOC As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband.

DOC [rueful laugh] Hah. Good.

SOUND HE CLIMBS DOWN

MRS. DOC I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun.

DOC The what?

LEM I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am.

MRS. DOC Happy to be useful. [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace.

FADE

8_OLY KOMMER

FREDEK Oly! De kommer! [Oly! They are coming!]

OLY Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid. They are already here.]

FREDEK Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men! Behind the ridge!]

NELS Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men.

EZRA More fighting?

FANSHAW And this must be Nels.

NELS And you must be from England.

FANSHAW Why, yes. Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there.

NELS Nay. You sound like most Britishers.

FANSHAW I suppose I do.

NELS Just like a woman.

FANSHAW I do not!

EZRA You do a bit.

FANSHAW [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men?

NELS Sure, over the ridge. Quite a ways off. I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot.

FANSHAW We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here.

EZRA Mister Fanshaw?

NELS All of my men are here. Even those with a head full of porridge.

FANSHAW That's a blessing anyway.

EZRA Mister Fanshaw!

FANSHAW I am so sorry, Ezra. I was lost in thought.

EZRA You want I should go and look at the men a-coming?

FANSHAW They sound like they're rather far off.

EZRA I can go real far off.

FANSHAW [interested] Really. Very well. You'll go and see how many there are?

EZRA I'll find out everything for ya.

FANSHAW I wonder just how far "real far" is.

FADE

9_teh dam

SOUND CROWD RUMBLE, BUT NO TALKING

SOUND LEM'S SLOW FOOTSTEPS

LEM Um, [to Oly] Dam?

OLY Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!]

LARS [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help]

OLY Go! [Go!]

NELS If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words?

FANSHAW Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late.

NELS Ya.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, LARS AND MRS. BEAMISH COME OUT

FANSHAW This? This is the woman all the trouble has been over? She's ...hardly what I expected.

LEM Ma'am. They's been quite a ruckus over you.

BEAMISH Oh, Luvly. Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English.

LEM I guess I speak American, then. But I hazard you understand me fine.

BEAMISH [begrudging] I kin mike yer out.

LEM That's good. Now these fellers, they have some claim to you?

NELS Sure, she owes us five years service.

BEAMISH [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do.

LEM Five years. Legal.

BEAMISH [annoyed sigh] Aye.

DOC [whispered] How'd you get that?

LEM [whispered] Guessed. Standard indenture.

DOC Ah!

BEAMISH [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em!

FANSHAW I say, Nels, you paid for that? Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old.

NELS What do you expect in a cook? Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat.

FANSHAW A cook! Good gad!

LEM But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to?

BEAMISH Good plain cooking. Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold.

DOC Cooking? They're willing to fight over a cook?

LEM I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch.

DOC Well...

MRS. DOC [calling from off, excited] Husband?

LEM Go on.

DOC [walking off] Yes, dear?

FADE

10_grady hides

SOUND MEN SLOWLY SEARCHING

SOUND BREATHING, IN A TIGHT SPACE

GRADY [trying to quiet his breathing]

EZRA That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella. You must be a bad man.

GRADY [whispered] Someone up there, please help me!

MAN1 I think I heard something!

FADE

11_shares

LEM [whispered, to fanshaw] Ask Nels the word for "share".

FANSHAW You're thinking to split the baby again.

LEM Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple.

DOC Lem? We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss.

LEM Do tell.

DOC Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it?

BEAMISH Beamish. Aye.

DOC My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us.

BEAMISH Where's 'at, then?

DOC Our house. It's rather in the middle of all this.

BEAMISH Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse. Not them shanties.

DOC [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all] You stay our house--

SOUND [rumble of muttering on both sides]

DOC Cook. Cook a lot.

BEAMISH I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick.

DOC They are the ones who need to agree.

BEAMISH Go'ahn then.

DOC [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You. Eat.

LEM [quiet] Eat? Nels?

NELS [Eat] ata

LEM Thankee. [up, to doc] "ata"

DOC Oh? All right. You. Come to house. "ata".

LARS [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.]

NELS Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either. He has a wife to cook for him.

OLY Nej, säger han vi äter, också. Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also. I think.]

FANSHAW No, no. He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace. No more fighting.

NELS Tell them ["You eat too"] du äter för.

FANSHAW Lem? Did you--

LEM Doo ah-ter fore.

OLY Ya. Mycket bra. [Yes. very good]

LEM And you all?

PIKEY Nae more tae eat bab out Bill? [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest. [No more eating the shit Bill cooks? I don't care where she stays.]

TED 'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!]

JAMES Eh, by gum.

SCABBY BILL Ere, now!

PIKEY Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt. [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.]

LEM Good.

DOC Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even--

SOUND GUNSHOTS, DISTANT

LEM Damn!

ALL [reactions! Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!"

EZRA Mister Fanshaw? I think they's heading this way.

Taste of the Beholder [DeK6]

EPISODE 7

MUSIC

SCENE 1.

AMB OUTSIDE

LEM [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n.

DOC But I can help--

LEM [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety. If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle.

SOUND GUNSHOTS, DISTANT

MRS. DOC [off, a bit worried] Husband?

LEM Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk. We got some rough work ahead of us.

MRS. BEAMISH Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place.

SOUND SHE WALKS TO WAGON

DOC [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us.

LEM And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles] I'll stay still as I can. But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other. Go on now. [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack? I might find myself in need of a few more shells.

MRS. DOC Here you go. [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear? My husband put a lot of work into you.

DOC [amused but still worried] You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be.

LEM I reckon I do.

DOC [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun.

LEM Preciate it.

SOUND DOC WALKS OFF

SCENE 2.

LEM [slight groan] Quickly - You, Bill. You, Oly.

SCABBY BILL Right.

OLY Ja?

SOUND SCRATCHING IN THE DIRT

LEM [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things] Sun. There. Hill. There. Ja?

OLY Ja. Bäck. Ge. [stream. Give.]

LEM Take it.

SOUND MORE SCRATCHING

SCABBY BILL Thass river?

OLY Bäck. [stream]

LEM Close enough I think. Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside? They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin.

SCABBY BILL Us'm?

LEM Course, it ain't yer fight, but--

SCABBY BILL Nay problem, lad. Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook. [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy.

LEM All righty then, sounds like yer all in. Go on. Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em.

SCABBY BILL Why them tea party manners?

LEM In case they ain't the villians here.

SCABBY BILL Ah. Right. We're bahn.

SOUND WALKS OFF

SCABBY BILL [off, calling] Ayup lads! There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn!

LEM Now for the tricky one.

OLY Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way. Around the other side. And attack from ambush?]

NELS He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well?

LEM [startled laugh] Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet.

OLY vad är det? [What is that?]

LEM Later. After dust settles.

NELS Tell him "senare" [Later]

LEM Senare

OLY Ja. Bakhåll? Ja? [Ambush]

NELS [translating] Attack from behind.

LEM Ya. Go on.

OLY [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men! Time to beat some heads!]

LEM [heavy sigh, slight groan]

FANSHAW Lem?

LEM [quiet] I'm alright. I'm alright. Just tuckered out. Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints. Think this will end it once and fer all.

FANSHAW I certainly hope so.

LONG MUSIC

SCENE 3.

AMB NIGHT, CAMPFIRE ON LEFT

OLY [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet. Then we heard them. Arn hid behind a tree. Lars was beneath a fallen log.]

ARN Hah! Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah! Good to be short, eh, Lars?]

LARS Bah!

SWEDES [general laughter]

OLY Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra. Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming! A tall one in a hat and two others. Ugly. Cruel looking. They move slowly, looking for something--]

MUSIC WIPE ACROSS THE SOUNDSCAPE

SCENE 4.

AMB CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT

SCABBY BILL Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee.

PIKEY [bragging] Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest. Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest. And no one ever looks up]

SCABBY BILL Aye, lad. Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that. No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.]

MINERS [general laughter]

PIKEY [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay. Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!]

MINERS [more laughter]

MUSIC WIPE

SCENE 5.

AMB CAMPFIRE ON LEFT

OLY Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree. I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.]

ARN Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!]

SWEDES [general laughter]

OLY Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me. Then pointed past the men. Then he raised two hands of fingers. Many men were coming!]

FANSHAW It sounds like a fascinating story. I wish I could understand a word of it.

NELS He was saying that the noisy fellow--

FANSHAW Aren't they all rather noisy?

NELS [laughs] THAT one - got above. High up. Counted the men coming behind. Showed him fingers for the count.

FANSHAW Accord without a single word. Lovely.

MUSIC WIPE

SCENE 6.

AMB CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT

FITCH Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh! Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow. I think he's been alone too long.]

SOUND SLIGHT SCUFFLE - FRIENDLY SMACK

PIKEY Dinna fash. Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad. Smack afore yows and kine. Past that, mayhaps Swede. Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise] [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows. I have never been fond of blondes.]

FITCH [teasing] Ooh-ah. Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack. [Bathe. Then we'll talk.]

MINERS [general laughter]

SCABBY BILL Right. 'oo's keeping a tally? [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right. Someone make a list of things we need for the camp. Start with some loose women.]

MINERS [hysterical laughter]

MUSIC

SCENE 7.

AMB CAMPFIRE ON LEFT

OLY De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking. Maybe for a person. Maybe for an animal. Something that could hide itself. We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.]

LARS Jag var längst. När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt. [hit noise] [I was furthest. When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.]

SWEDES [approving mumble]

MUSIC WIPE

SCENE 8.

AMB CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT

SOUND WAGON SLOWLY MOVING IN FROM A DISTANCE

PIKEY Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind. I knew we'd never want to lag behind.]

SCABBY BILL No. So... Pikey made t' shrill--

SOUND SHARP WHISTLE

SCABBY BILL [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug! [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear! And we attacked]

FITCH Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side! And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale. [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left. They broke like lose rock.]

MUSIC WIPE

SCENE 9.

AMB LEFT CAMPFIRE

OLY Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell. Struck down by our brave hands. Or our friends' hands. [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD!

SCABBY BILL [off] I hears that! [yelling back] Ayup lads? ALL GOOD!

SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud] ALL GOOD!

DOC [off] Ho there! Sounds like it's safe to approach?

MUSIC

SCENE 10.

AMB INSIDE

SOUND [OUTSIDE] THE MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING

FANSHAW Lem?

LEM [rousing from half sleep] Yup? Sounds like peace at last.

FANSHAW And the doctor just arrived. [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely-

LEM Biscuits? [chuckles]

FANSHAW [chuckles too] He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure. [beat] The men - both factions - were rather impressive. Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well.

LEM Who was it they's up against?

FANSHAW Looks like outlaws. Chasing a fugitive.

LEM And the feller they'us after?

FANSHAW [sigh] He was already ... done for. Gone.

LEM [sigh] The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now.

DOC [outside] Mister Roberts?

LEM [a bit weaker] In here!

LONG MUSIC

SCENE 11.

AMB DOC'S HOUSE

DOC I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts.

MRS. DOC [from off] Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither.

LEM I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth.

DOC Good.

MUSIC

SCENE 12.

AMB DOC'S HOUSE

LEM Alone?

FANSHAW They're all in the kitchen, yes. From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement. They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse. Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of. The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes.

LEM Cain't say that I blame her. Catch me up a bit?

FANSHAW They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals. They've all become the best of chums. And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit.

LEM One more victory for--

FANSHAW Civilization?

LEM [down] I was gonna say salvation. Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here.

FANSHAW I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of.

LEM Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own.

FANSHAW Well. When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws.

LEM Where ARE they, anyway?

FANSHAW Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing. Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days.

LEM Mm. Good.

FANSHAW But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach. It's very frustrating. Ezra, though...

LEM Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about? How come I ain't seen him, never?

FANSHAW I don't know. He's a child. A spirit. Who prefers to think of himself an angel. I rather think he's been here quite a long time. And Lem...

LEM Yup?

FANSHAW I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on. But there's this---

LEM Spit it out and let's see what color it is.

FANSHAW Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley. That is rather a long distance. He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by. I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why. Before I help him find his way onward.

LEM Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?

just pointing out I'm still alive.

also don't forget to check out my other twitter feed @MyLadysWardrobe, where i post a new old photo every day.